Beards from Below
September 2, 2011 12:37 PM Subscribe
Beards from Below? Why does everything always have to be about a merkins?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:43 PM on September 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:43 PM on September 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
Unnerving.
They look like they are waiting to pounce on me and eat me.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:43 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
They look like they are waiting to pounce on me and eat me.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:43 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
The Whelk is only over beards because he's gay married now and can't use the excuse of "she and I are together" to pass in polite society like he used to.
Actually, this could be A Thing. Men everywhere shave their beards to symbolically show support for gay rights.
posted by phunniemee at 12:44 PM on September 2, 2011
Actually, this could be A Thing. Men everywhere shave their beards to symbolically show support for gay rights.
posted by phunniemee at 12:44 PM on September 2, 2011
Gross. There's such a fine line between, "Hello, I have a friendly furry face" and "Mrphlgirhrglz! I am so lousy with robust, kinky keratin that my bathwater turns to human-flavored Jell-O when it cools."
posted by hermitosis at 12:44 PM on September 2, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 12:44 PM on September 2, 2011 [9 favorites]
I'm surprised this website isn't called "Back off a bit, dude, I'm choking here."
posted by griphus at 12:44 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by griphus at 12:44 PM on September 2, 2011
Actually, this could be A Thing. Men everywhere shave their beards to symbolically show support for gay rights
Thus making all the Bears sad.
posted by The Whelk at 12:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [12 favorites]
Thus making all the Bears sad.
posted by The Whelk at 12:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [12 favorites]
Why does everything always have to be about a merkins?
Because we're proud to be A Merkins.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [6 favorites]
Because we're proud to be A Merkins.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [6 favorites]
Also everyone wears bear costumes.
posted by phunniemee at 12:46 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by phunniemee at 12:46 PM on September 2, 2011
Speaking of beards, over the course of August, I grew one by accident. Someone give me some inspiration of what to shave it into. Right now it looks like it's gonna be a Lemmy.
posted by griphus at 12:50 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by griphus at 12:50 PM on September 2, 2011
Hope the photographer is signing some sort of waiver here..
posted by obscurator at 12:50 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by obscurator at 12:50 PM on September 2, 2011
Because we're proud to be A Merkins.
...Where at least our beards are free
And I won't forget the men who died
Who gave their goatees for me
posted by scody at 12:52 PM on September 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
...Where at least our beards are free
And I won't forget the men who died
Who gave their goatees for me
posted by scody at 12:52 PM on September 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
Eww.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 12:53 PM on September 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Mister Fabulous at 12:53 PM on September 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
and can't use the excuse of "she and I are together" to pass in polite society like he used to.
If "she" were a bearded lady, she'd be a bearded beard (meta-beard? beard-squared?).
posted by 445supermag at 12:53 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
If "she" were a bearded lady, she'd be a bearded beard (meta-beard? beard-squared?).
posted by 445supermag at 12:53 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I totally thought this was going to be something different.
But that's okay, because this reminded me that I really need to go trim my beard-from-below.
posted by koeselitz at 12:59 PM on September 2, 2011
But that's okay, because this reminded me that I really need to go trim my beard-from-below.
posted by koeselitz at 12:59 PM on September 2, 2011
No, it is as I thought when I read the link. Do not want.
posted by maryr at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by maryr at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2011
From beneath you, it beards.
posted by The Whelk at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 1:00 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
Half these pictures look like a fleshy Bert the Muppet.
posted by zamboni at 1:02 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by zamboni at 1:02 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
And griphus? IANYG (I Am Not Your Girlfriend) but my vote for how to shave your beard would be "off".
posted by maryr at 1:03 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by maryr at 1:03 PM on September 2, 2011
Nuts to that -- she likes facial hair and I'm milking that for all its worth until she changes her mind.
posted by griphus at 1:07 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by griphus at 1:07 PM on September 2, 2011
clean shaven is for 15 year olds and people in finance
beard pride 4 life
posted by nathancaswell at 1:12 PM on September 2, 2011 [25 favorites]
beard pride 4 life
posted by nathancaswell at 1:12 PM on September 2, 2011 [25 favorites]
My husband and my son both have neat trimmed beards.
Having beard trimmed is a bit like having hair combed.
posted by Cranberry at 1:14 PM on September 2, 2011
Having beard trimmed is a bit like having hair combed.
posted by Cranberry at 1:14 PM on September 2, 2011
So, beard trimming is totally optional and awesome to not do?
posted by skynxnex at 1:16 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by skynxnex at 1:16 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
THIS IS A PLOT TO DETECT THE SLOT OF THE BEARD INJECTOR NODE!
posted by clavdivs at 1:17 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by clavdivs at 1:17 PM on September 2, 2011
I can't find it now, but one of the letters to the editor of Outside Magazine, responding to an article about winter beards, said something like, "Having a winter beard is like having an autumn penis. Some things are just about being a guy year-round."
posted by mreleganza at 1:19 PM on September 2, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by mreleganza at 1:19 PM on September 2, 2011 [6 favorites]
It's no wonder children and dogs don't like men with beards. From their perspective it's an inhuman beast wanting to devour them.
posted by LoudMusic at 1:21 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by LoudMusic at 1:21 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
A touch of frost, and the penis drops.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:22 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:22 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
O Autumn, laden with fruit, and stain’d
With the blood of the grape, pass not, but sit
Beneath my shady roof; there thou may’st rest,
And tune thy jolly voice to my fresh pipe,
And all the daughters of the year shall dance!
Sing now the lusty song of fruits and flowers,
And bring my cock is back to my pants.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:29 PM on September 2, 2011
With the blood of the grape, pass not, but sit
Beneath my shady roof; there thou may’st rest,
And tune thy jolly voice to my fresh pipe,
And all the daughters of the year shall dance!
Sing now the lusty song of fruits and flowers,
And bring my cock is back to my pants.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:29 PM on September 2, 2011
While this doesn't require an NSFW tag, I would have appreciated it anyway.
posted by not_on_display at 1:29 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by not_on_display at 1:29 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
As a great lover of beards, I'm over beards being fetishised like this. Why saddle great things with having to be an annoying internet meme? Just letting beards be is the best way to honour them.
posted by beau jackson at 1:30 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by beau jackson at 1:30 PM on September 2, 2011
Ooh, is it time to share my latest historical beard fun fact?
Henry David Thoreau, not the handsomest of men to begin with, wore his neckbeard with pride, and insisted women found it attractive. Actual women, on the other hand, tended to disagree. Louisa May Alcott is on record telling Emerson that it would "most assuredly deflect amorous advances and preserve the man's virtue in perpetuity."
posted by deludingmyself at 1:30 PM on September 2, 2011 [14 favorites]
Henry David Thoreau, not the handsomest of men to begin with, wore his neckbeard with pride, and insisted women found it attractive. Actual women, on the other hand, tended to disagree. Louisa May Alcott is on record telling Emerson that it would "most assuredly deflect amorous advances and preserve the man's virtue in perpetuity."
posted by deludingmyself at 1:30 PM on September 2, 2011 [14 favorites]
This does not look like a beard.
I am so totally submitting to this site. I have a monster right now.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:30 PM on September 2, 2011
I am so totally submitting to this site. I have a monster right now.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:30 PM on September 2, 2011
Hm. I had a beard at one point, and wouldn't mind growing one out again, except these things nag at me:
1) Mrs. maxwelton doesn't like 'em
2) They're just more hair to keep neat
3) I have greying (alright, a lot of greying) hair. I suspect I'd have a pretty-much totally grey beard.
The flip of that is:
1) I only shave once a week as it is
2) Irritating the Mrs isn't necessarily all bad
Hm.
posted by maxwelton at 1:32 PM on September 2, 2011
1) Mrs. maxwelton doesn't like 'em
2) They're just more hair to keep neat
3) I have greying (alright, a lot of greying) hair. I suspect I'd have a pretty-much totally grey beard.
The flip of that is:
1) I only shave once a week as it is
2) Irritating the Mrs isn't necessarily all bad
Hm.
posted by maxwelton at 1:32 PM on September 2, 2011
3) people could call you "grey beard", which is fucking awesome
it's like being the badass old gorilla
posted by nathancaswell at 1:33 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
it's like being the badass old gorilla
posted by nathancaswell at 1:33 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm totally hot for my husband's beard and have hated it the few times he's chopped it. It runs the gamut from neatly trimmed (the Zach Galifianakis Goes To The Oscars look) to woodsman (the Drew From Toothpaste For Dinner), and I find all equally alluring.
This website, however, skeeves me out beyond belief. I looked at the first few images and couldn't continue - too weird for me. The wormholes of the web truly are boundless.
posted by takoukla at 1:33 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
This website, however, skeeves me out beyond belief. I looked at the first few images and couldn't continue - too weird for me. The wormholes of the web truly are boundless.
posted by takoukla at 1:33 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I hate my beard, but I hate shaving even more, so I shave about three times a year. Sometimes four.
My girlfriend likes the beard.
I lave enough hair right now to make someone a merkin.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:35 PM on September 2, 2011
My girlfriend likes the beard.
I lave enough hair right now to make someone a merkin.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:35 PM on September 2, 2011
445supermag: beard-squared?
This is a beard, squared.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:35 PM on September 2, 2011
This is a beard, squared.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:35 PM on September 2, 2011
Mine. Expect to see it on their site soon! Well, I am submitting it anyway.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:45 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by cjorgensen at 1:45 PM on September 2, 2011
While this doesn't require an NSFW tag, I would have appreciated it anyway.
I looked at the first few images and couldn't continue - too weird for me.
Yeah, I don't know what it is. The bottom of the chin, below the beard, seems like such a private area.
posted by muddgirl at 1:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I looked at the first few images and couldn't continue - too weird for me.
Yeah, I don't know what it is. The bottom of the chin, below the beard, seems like such a private area.
posted by muddgirl at 1:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mine. Expect to see it on their site soon! Well, I am submitting it anyway.
Also, that looks exactly like the back of my dad's head. Creeeeepy. There's some Uncanny Valley shit going on here.
posted by muddgirl at 1:46 PM on September 2, 2011
Also, that looks exactly like the back of my dad's head. Creeeeepy. There's some Uncanny Valley shit going on here.
posted by muddgirl at 1:46 PM on September 2, 2011
This is disturbingly pubic.
posted by pinky at 1:48 PM on September 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by pinky at 1:48 PM on September 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm balding on top, so I wish I could just make the hair move up there. I was thinking of pioneering the beard to head comb-over, but I bet it's already been done.
posted by cjorgensen at 1:55 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by cjorgensen at 1:55 PM on September 2, 2011
hippybear: "What is a bear costume exactly? That's easy. Beard, flattop, flannel shirt, Carhartt cargo shorts, boots. Maybe suspenders and/or a ballcap, too."
I'll go with everything but the ballcap. My balls will remain uncapped, thank you.
posted by Splunge at 2:13 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'll go with everything but the ballcap. My balls will remain uncapped, thank you.
posted by Splunge at 2:13 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I was hoping this would be "bee beards below." now I am sad. And unbearded.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:40 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:40 PM on September 2, 2011
I shaved my bee beard. Got a buzz cut.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:42 PM on September 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:42 PM on September 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
I like going to my local barber cause it's basically a really manly excuse to get a facial. Scented foams and all.
posted by The Whelk at 2:59 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by The Whelk at 2:59 PM on September 2, 2011
I shaved my bee beard. Got a buzz cut.
I did that once, but it turned out I was allergic to the shaving cream, and I broke out in hives.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I did that once, but it turned out I was allergic to the shaving cream, and I broke out in hives.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Poor honey.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I go to an old school barber shop. They cut hair. They'll trim your beard, if you want, but I trim my own. They use a straight razor. These guys have been cutting hair since dinosaurs had feathers.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:13 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:13 PM on September 2, 2011
Is this the new planking? Or was owling the new planking? And if planking was the old planking, is this the new owling? I'm bad at culture.
posted by EatTheWeek at 5:42 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by EatTheWeek at 5:42 PM on September 2, 2011
How much time has gone into this? Jesus, I don't really do much with myself, but this!
posted by Roachbeard at 6:23 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by Roachbeard at 6:23 PM on September 2, 2011
Anyway, everyone. Grow a beard. Do it. Now. (Well, not the women. Unless you really really want to.)
No can do, hoss, mine grows in all patchy.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:59 PM on September 2, 2011
No can do, hoss, mine grows in all patchy.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:59 PM on September 2, 2011
I think one of those is my ex-husband. This has me mildly freaked, mostly because of the dog's-eye-view perspective. It's like a wee insight into why we had such weird dogs.
posted by catlet at 7:04 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by catlet at 7:04 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am going to send in a shot of my mustache from below, want to see if I can get a sub genre going.
posted by Ad hominem at 7:33 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by Ad hominem at 7:33 PM on September 2, 2011
beards are sexy, this less so. i am disappointed in whelk.
posted by PinkMoose at 7:45 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by PinkMoose at 7:45 PM on September 2, 2011
I've got my entire life to go bald and grow a beard like every other 'mo in America.
posted by The Whelk at 7:55 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by The Whelk at 7:55 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
hint: it's a word 'mos use to describe themselves
posted by thedaniel at 8:28 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by thedaniel at 8:28 PM on September 2, 2011
it's not beards from below as much as it is beards head-on with dudes painfully hyperextending their necks. if you want to do beards from below, the camera should be at crotch level. that's how i'm used to looking up and seeing them, anyway.
posted by fallacy of the beard at 8:32 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by fallacy of the beard at 8:32 PM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
Some of those are just plain creepy. Really strange.
posted by leahwrenn at 8:51 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by leahwrenn at 8:51 PM on September 2, 2011
I love a man with a beard but this just isn't right. :(
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 9:47 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 9:47 PM on September 2, 2011
I keep waiting for a Ballchinian to appear.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 10:38 PM on September 2, 2011
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 10:38 PM on September 2, 2011
One or more of thse bearded dudes should attach some fake eyes and a fake mouth on their neck and then take one of these photographs where their bearded jaw obscures their actual face.
posted by Anything at 2:26 AM on September 3, 2011
posted by Anything at 2:26 AM on September 3, 2011
3) people could call you "grey beard", which is fucking awesome
it's like being the badass old gorilla
"Ak Sakal" is literally "white beard" in Kyrgyz and is what the wise men / elders get called there, and apparently in a lot of Turkic cultures.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:14 AM on September 3, 2011
it's like being the badass old gorilla
"Ak Sakal" is literally "white beard" in Kyrgyz and is what the wise men / elders get called there, and apparently in a lot of Turkic cultures.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:14 AM on September 3, 2011
The best thing about my local barber is ear and nose hair trimming. A lot of those fancy places don't do this. But as you advance in age, this becomes an essential part of grooming. Laugh now. But your time will come.
::cackle::
posted by Splunge at 6:09 AM on September 3, 2011
::cackle::
posted by Splunge at 6:09 AM on September 3, 2011
Man, the internet is weird. What's next, chodes from below?
posted by ReeMonster at 6:57 AM on September 3, 2011
posted by ReeMonster at 6:57 AM on September 3, 2011
I lave enough hair right now to make someone a merkin.
Talk about a win-win situation.
posted by Forktine at 7:12 AM on September 3, 2011
Enough with the up-neck photos. Is this site really becoming a nerd TMZ?
posted by Danf at 7:44 AM on September 3, 2011
posted by Danf at 7:44 AM on September 3, 2011
What's next, chodes from below?
Infinitely preferable to chodes from above, imho.
posted by griphus at 8:00 AM on September 3, 2011
Infinitely preferable to chodes from above, imho.
posted by griphus at 8:00 AM on September 3, 2011
Image presents J. Scott Campbell's Chodes from Above.
posted by griphus at 8:19 AM on September 3, 2011
posted by griphus at 8:19 AM on September 3, 2011
...at least until you plot the lines of perspective.
posted by griphus at 8:55 AM on September 3, 2011
posted by griphus at 8:55 AM on September 3, 2011
hippybear: "What is a bear costume exactly? That's easy. Beard, flattop, flannel shirt, Carhartt cargo shorts, boots. Maybe suspenders and/or a ballcap, too."
I know what I'm gonna be for Halloween!
posted by deborah at 7:32 PM on September 3, 2011
I know what I'm gonna be for Halloween!
posted by deborah at 7:32 PM on September 3, 2011
Forget that hack, carry around a picture of smokey the bear.
I met his creator, yes he was very aware of what he was doing with the broad shouldered lumberjack icon.
posted by The Whelk at 8:00 AM on September 4, 2011
I met his creator, yes he was very aware of what he was doing with the broad shouldered lumberjack icon.
posted by The Whelk at 8:00 AM on September 4, 2011
He's Smokey Bear the Bear. If you're on a first name basis with him, I don't see why he couldn't be Smokey the Bear... (as opposed to, say, "Smokey the Pacificst from The Big Lebowski)
posted by muddgirl at 9:41 AM on September 4, 2011
posted by muddgirl at 9:41 AM on September 4, 2011
Smokey, The Bear if you're nasty.
posted by The Whelk at 11:02 AM on September 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by The Whelk at 11:02 AM on September 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
also hippbear your outfit missed the mid-life crisis tribal tat
posted by The Whelk at 11:13 AM on September 4, 2011
posted by The Whelk at 11:13 AM on September 4, 2011
either or, it's right up there with regular testostrone injections and a chin implant
posted by The Whelk at 12:10 PM on September 4, 2011
posted by The Whelk at 12:10 PM on September 4, 2011
Bruce Campbell?
Also, my beard is now on the site! 9th one down on the labor Day post.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:32 PM on September 6, 2011
Also, my beard is now on the site! 9th one down on the labor Day post.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:32 PM on September 6, 2011
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posted by The Whelk at 12:38 PM on September 2, 2011