Finding Love Ain't Easy
March 9, 2012 3:39 AM Subscribe

A Treasury of the World's Worst Online Dating Stories
posted by rodmandirect (252 comments total) 84 users marked this as a favorite

Is this something I'd need a robe and wizard hat to understand?
posted by ShutterBun at 3:44 AM on March 9, 2012 [17 favorites]

• I went on a date with an otherwise cute girl who wore a "Trogdor the Burninator" shirt and said at least one 4chan meme to me, unprompted, out loud

I'm failing to see this as 'worst' in any sort of a fashion.

/disclaimer: i have gotten laid on the strength of my nerdery.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:56 AM on March 9, 2012 [72 favorites]

But the manatee was actually dead, and the body ended up falling apart and she was covered in dead manatee slime and someone had to fish her out and clean her up. After some words of consolation from me about how fucked up that experience must have been, she told me she made it up, and every other story she had told me that night, because she likes making up stories.

Ha! This chick rules!
posted by tumid dahlia at 4:03 AM on March 9, 2012 [33 favorites]

What other types of cat do you plan on having in the future? Do you have their names picked out? I think "Thomas" and "M'Lady Bundles" are good names.
posted by Maaik at 4:07 AM on March 9, 2012 [16 favorites]

I don't believe I've ever actually properly been on a "date". Usually what happens is I just open up my legs as wide as possible, something pops, I black out and next thing I know I am blissed-out on a crisp white bed with a pretty girl pushing tubes into me to keep me nutriated.
posted by tumid dahlia at 4:09 AM on March 9, 2012 [7 favorites]

He spent one-third of the time telling me about the musical he was writing about raccoons, one-third of the time talking about C++, and one-third of the time demonstrating the plot of Othello using the salt and pepper shakers.

and this could be me, but with Platypuses, Python, and Pynchon*

* OK, not actually Pynchon, but it fits the P.*y.* mask.
posted by titus-g at 4:10 AM on March 9, 2012 [13 favorites]

Partyhats?
posted by tumid dahlia at 4:10 AM on March 9, 2012

Platypus partyhats!
posted by titus-g at 4:11 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

• Went on two dates. Girl followed me on twitter. Girl randomly started replying and cursing at my tweets.

I can't really pass judgement on this absent further information. I mean, he could run one of those fictional TV show character accounts or something.
posted by Maaik at 4:13 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

No actual dating resulted from this, but one opening message sent to me was just "Asian?" because yes, that is my race in my profile. I didn't respond, so 1-2 weeks later he recontacted me with "Are you full Asian?"

This is a wonderful resource.
posted by robself at 4:16 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

Or, Platypus partyhat!, even.

Although since I've already bought this rather excellent platypus badge/pin for the sigoth I guess I could make my own.
posted by titus-g at 4:16 AM on March 9, 2012

Weird about that manatee thing...I know two distinct people who insist that it happened to "their friend." I mentioned it to a Florida native and I guess it's a well-known urban legend down there?
posted by troika at 4:16 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I went on a date with an otherwise cute girl who wore a "Trogdor the Burninator" shirt and said at least one 4chan meme to me, unprompted, out loud.

I like this one, where the protagonist hangs out on the internet enough to recognize 4chan memes, but finds the same quality in a partner to be a deal-breaker instead of a common interest. Hmm...
posted by PercussivePaul at 4:19 AM on March 9, 2012 [77 favorites]

He started singing "In Your Eyes" to me in the middle of a restaurant. Loudly. After having just told me "You're everything I'm looking for in a woman."

Then when he stopped singing he told me that nevertheless, I must stop cutting my hair.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:22 AM on March 9, 2012 [38 favorites]

And he got the words to the song wrong.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:22 AM on March 9, 2012 [31 favorites]

We found love, but it was too late. It was already one of Them.
posted by LogicalDash at 4:26 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Some of these stories have quite a few holes and loose ends. If I was less of a trusting person I might suggest some of them have been "spiced up" or even fabricated entirely.

I have one future cat picked out. A Scottish fold named Scamper. If a date has a problem with my imaginary future cat well then I guess it wasn't meant to be.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:28 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

Pretty much all of my bad dating experiences can be summed up by this xkcd "Pickup Artist" comic. In other words, most of the "bad" ones weren't so much bad as annoying and over with quickly (I tend to have a reparté like that woman and very much enjoy the resulting schadenfreude with PUAs).

'Course then there was the dude who fit the "nonconsensual polyamorist" story to a T, sigh.

I have two cats, one is also puffy. His name is Kanoko, which is actually a woman's name, but it means "fawn" because he had spots like one as a kitten... and he doesn't have spots any more, as well as being generally, distinctively not built like a fawn. (Maine Coon. He'd been abandoned, so I had little way of knowing how he'd turn out.) The other one is named Susuwatari, Susu for short, after the soot sprites in Studio Ghibli's "My Neighbor Totoro", and she lives up to her name. This short story acts as a very effective filter in my geographical area, I've found. (So much so that I was dumbstruck when it actually attracted a cute guy recently, who I'll be dating this weekend. Hee.)
posted by fraula at 4:34 AM on March 9, 2012 [17 favorites]

I can't even begin to rehash the details, but the guy drove a Cougar as if it were a Ferrari, had a facial twitch that I'm pretty sure can be seen from space, had favorite hobbies along the lines of watching History channel documentaries, and disapproved of my eating of croutons in my salad. Because of carbs.

What's so wrong about liking History channel documentaries? I am... asking for a friend.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 4:34 AM on March 9, 2012 [10 favorites]

I got walked out on on a date that seemed like it was going fairly well because I said I didn't like french fries. I am still baffled by it.

Had she said she didn't like "freedom fries," I bet this would have had a different ending.
posted by three blind mice at 4:35 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I got walked out on on a date that seemed like it was going fairly well because I said I didn't like french fries. I am still baffled by it.

Yeah, no. More like, you were being completely awkward, self-centered and negative the whole date and the french fries thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. Actually, they were probably already planning on walking out and that comment was purely coincidental.
posted by quincunx at 4:37 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

Yeah, no. More like, you were being completely awkward, self-centered and negative the whole date and the french fries thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. Actually, they were probably already planning on walking out and that comment was purely coincidental.

How could you possibly know that? Maybe they just thought they were ugly.
posted by delmoi at 4:43 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Maybe they just thought they were ugly.

Ugliness is covered under "already planning on walking out." It does kind of make me wonder where the date was. McDonalds? A fast food place?

So many unanswered questions.
posted by quincunx at 4:46 AM on March 9, 2012

Yeah, no. More like, you were being completely awkward, self-centered and negative the whole date and the french fries thing was the straw that broke the camel's back. Actually, they were probably already planning on walking out and that comment was purely coincidental.

So, where did you guys actually go for this date then?
posted by MattWPBS at 4:49 AM on March 9, 2012 [17 favorites]

I got walked out on on a date that seemed like it was going fairly well because I said I didn't like french fries. I am still baffled by it.

Maybe the date was especially sensitive that French Fries are Belgian?
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:50 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

He talked about burning man for an hour, then got into the 'truth' about 9/11. When we left the bar, he said he would 'treat us to donuts,' but he only bought one (which he picked) and gave me a chunk. After he took a bite. I'm sure he's a nice guy.

And ... scene.
posted by chavenet at 4:52 AM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

So, where did you guys actually go for this date then?

Hey, I'm just saying, some of these say more about the person complaining than they do about the bad date. Two sides to every story and all. Some of them are truly egregious, but a lot of them make me wonder what really happened.
posted by quincunx at 4:54 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

What's so wrong about liking History channel documentaries?

Anyone making that phrase a plural will never see anything wrong with "them".
posted by DU at 5:04 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

So we're in front of a bar. I'm having a discussion with the taxi driver about the fare. He's trying to overcharge me. No big deal. She throws a hamburger at the driver. Starts swearing like a sailor at him. Driver starts yelling at me. I'm already in a bad mood. All hell breaks loose. Fists fly. A window gets broken. I get the hell out of there before the cops show up.

As I catch my breath a few blocks away, my cell phone rings, "Hey, aren't we going to have a drink?"

Sometimes it's best to know these things right up front.
posted by three blind mice at 5:06 AM on March 9, 2012 [16 favorites]

A guy said how great it was that I was a "mommy," and when I explained that I was more a mom than a mommy, and a bit about my parenting philosophy about trying to make my then-young son more independent, he corrected me. "You'll always be a mommy," he told me. "That's the gift you got when you had your son." Not only was he totally infantilizing me with his gross Ronny Reagan virgin-mother bullshit, and presuming to explain for me my place in the world (without having met me) but he wasn't fucking listening. I explained, nicely, why it bugged me, and he said he was glad he found out early how ugly I was on the inside.

This man is undoubtedly a serial killer nowadays.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:06 AM on March 9, 2012 [14 favorites]

Anyone making that phrase a plural will never see anything wrong with "them".

Come on, each one of Hitler's hemchmen were unique in their own way.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 5:07 AM on March 9, 2012 [9 favorites]

His henchmen too.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 5:07 AM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

Usually what happens is I just open up my legs as wide as possible, something pops, I black out and next thing I know I am blissed-out on a crisp white bed with a pretty girl pushing tubes into me to keep me nutriated.

I think this is one of those "your mileage may vary" situations.
posted by ShutterBun at 5:11 AM on March 9, 2012

Note to self: Before next date, get rid of the dead squirrel from the messenger bag
posted by Flunkie at 5:13 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

This man is undoubtedly a serial killer nowadays.

Or a Fox anchor.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:16 AM on March 9, 2012 [7 favorites]

He spent one-third of the time telling me about the musical he was writing about raccoons, one-third of the time talking about C++, and one-third of the time demonstrating the plot of Othello using the salt and pepper shakers.

I am straight and married, but would go on a second date with this guy.
posted by Mayor West at 5:17 AM on March 9, 2012 [36 favorites]

First date, at a restaurant. We discuss the menu and she is stunned into a full 30 seconds of contemplation when I casually mention that I'm a vegetarian. Her eyes move to the top-left like she's doing challenging math, back to my face, back to thinking about five times.
She says that he friend forwarded her my profile because I resemble her ex-boyfriend
Tells me how in love she was with ex, and how difficult breakup has been for her. All attempts to steer away from this last no more than four exchanges
34 minutes after sitting down she tells me that she wants to teach me Cantonese so that I can talk to her parents and our next date should be that lesson
I feel a rumbling in my guts and realize that I am going to have an attack of diarrhea and for the only time in my life I am thankful for it. I actually had to suppress a smile when I said "We need to settle up because I am about to have an attack of diarrhea and have about 20 minutes to get home. Email me if you want."
She never does. I don't notice.

posted by Mayor Curley at 5:24 AM on March 9, 2012 [24 favorites]

I've told this one before:
I was a semi-employed derelict, but she treated me to a steak dinner on the second date, then suggested we go back to my place. We're fooling around, I reach for a condom. She tells me I don't need to use condoms; she's an adherent to the Rhythm Method. But she takes prenatal vitamins "just in case".

Dick-shrivelling.
posted by notsnot at 5:26 AM on March 9, 2012 [20 favorites]

My dates "catch phrase" was a quote from Seinfeld. I love TV, so I thought that was a good sign. When we meet, I start to talk about Seinfeld and he tells me he doesn't watch tv and doesn't even own one.

So, not only does this matter at all, it's a deal breaker? That is incredibly sad.
posted by CaseyB at 5:30 AM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

I think my worst first date may have been with the guy who told me I should have a breast reduction, and then read to me from his novel told from the point of view of a rapist.

That was 20 years ago or so, and honestly if I had been palming my face every day since then, that wouldn't have been nearly enough facepalm.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:30 AM on March 9, 2012 [39 favorites]

I like this one: Made the wrong comment about conceptual artist Matthew Barney to the wrong art student... got called a "bourgeois pig." There's something kind of young and sweet about it. I can see them dating for the rest of grad school, and into a recriminations soaked late 20s.
posted by OmieWise at 5:31 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

First date hell.
posted by ninebelow at 5:34 AM on March 9, 2012

I once went on an online date with an otherwise very nice girl who wouldn't stop talking about how much better she was feeling, now that she was no longer taking her mood stabilizers for bipolar disorder.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:36 AM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

from article: “He spent one-third of the time telling me about the musical he was writing about raccoons, one-third of the time talking about C++, and one-third of the time demonstrating the plot of Othello using the salt and pepper shakers.”

That's absolutely awesome. What was the second date like?
posted by koeselitz at 5:41 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

he doesn't watch tv and doesn't even own one.

So, not only does this matter at all, it's a deal breaker? That is incredibly sad.

To be fair, there's a big difference between "a guy who happens to not own a TV" and a "guy who somehow manages to make his non-TV-ownership a conversation point." I can imagine some kind of creepy vibe where he imagined himself as the subject of an "Onion" news article. Sounds good at first, sure, but then...eh...

(and seriously, doesn't even pick up on a Seinfeld reference? WTF yo?!?)
posted by ShutterBun at 5:42 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

"So I set up a profile on the OKCupid (as you do) and arranged a date with a woman who seemed a good match: around my age, occupied with intellectual concerns, pursuing a humanities PhD at a nearby university–all traits that landed her squarely within my highly selective wheelhouse. ...When she came up the stairs I knew immediately it was her (from her pictures, obviously), and she knew immediately that I was me, either because of my pictures or because it might have been mentioned that there could have been a remote chance that I'd be the guy reading a collection of prose by the late-18th century French symbolist poet Stéphane Mallarmé (sorry, world) or perhaps because of the way she recoiled when we first made eye contact, twisting her face into a pained look suggesting disgust mixed with disappointment, as if to see me in person had been to realize she'd been sold a false bill of goods. And she was not happy about it! (I, on the other hand, was mortified.) This fraction of a second set the tone for the rest of the evening (which was to be predictably brief), and we soldiered our way through a single drink together (which as I may have mentioned was actually my second, thank god). She was not only visibly displeased with our little arrangement but went out of her way to make this as evident as possible: she was pissy, sour, and completely uninterested in making the best of this awful situation, something I was trying (and failing oh so miserably) to do. In short, it was the most excruciating half hour of my professional dating life. As soon as we both realized there was most certainly not going to be another round she started angrily protesting the inattentiveness of our (actually perfectly attentive) waitress (I guess because I was so off-putting that the bill had to be paid RIGHT NOW) and she got up and stormed off to the bathroom. I took the opportunity to sneak over to the bar and pay up and ensure we'd both get out of there before she snapped, and when she stormed her way back she shrieked "Ugh when is our waitress going to come ugh!" and I politely informed her that it had been taken care of and we could both be on our way now. So we walked out together. I lit up a much-needed cigarette and was pleased to see her do the same since at least this was one thing she wouldn't be judging me for.

"Some issues" doesn't even begin to cover this one...
posted by quincunx at 5:42 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

I coincidentally just read that one that quincunx quotes, and had come back here to comment on it. I kept expecting a sudden "Oh, no, wait, that wasn't me, that was him."
posted by Flunkie at 5:45 AM on March 9, 2012

I coincidentally just read that one that quincunx quotes, and had come back here to comment on it. I kept expecting a sudden "Oh, no, wait, that wasn't me, that was him."

Clearly, he forgot his fedora. That's the only possible explanation for why she wasn't charmed. Couldn't have hurt to have spontaneously gifted her a banjo, either.
posted by quincunx at 5:49 AM on March 9, 2012 [24 favorites]

I don't believe I've ever actually properly been on a "date". Usually what happens is I just open up my legs as wide as possible, something pops, I black out and next thing I know I am blissed-out on a crisp white bed with a pretty girl pushing tubes into me to keep me nutriated.

If you keep going out with Rush Limbbough you'll have to turn in your MetaFilter password.
posted by rough ashlar at 5:54 AM on March 9, 2012 [7 favorites]

I once went on a date with someone because her profile mentioned liking the show Arrested Development. It turned out that she liked the show because she had previously dated her cousin. Really.
posted by unreasonable at 5:55 AM on March 9, 2012 [38 favorites]

• I went on a date with an otherwise cute girl who wore a "Trogdor the Burninator" shirt and said at least one 4chan meme to me, unprompted, out loud.

So many of their rejects seem like our dream-dates. I probably printer her Trogdor shirt!
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:05 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

MetaFilter: that wouldn't have been nearly enough facepalm.
posted by infini at 6:05 AM on March 9, 2012

My worst date was the one set up by my dad. Do I need to continue?
posted by infini at 6:05 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

One woman thought it would be funny, before our first meeting, to call me a 7:00 am and pretend to be an Asian massage parlor shaking me down for money.

Come on. Although early, that is pretty darn funny.
posted by batou_ at 6:08 AM on March 9, 2012 [9 favorites]

Damn. Someone else got to the fedora gag before me.
posted by running order squabble fest at 6:10 AM on March 9, 2012

• I was recently on a date where during the middle of dinner he pulled out his phone, opened up Grindr, and showed me a photo of a penis another user had sent him.

Am I a bad person if I am hoping he was on a date with a woman?
posted by Forktine at 6:22 AM on March 9, 2012 [18 favorites]

So, not only does this matter at all, it's a deal breaker? That is incredibly sad.

You should date people that share your interests. Imagine instead that he had a Nabakov quote on his profile, but never read any books.
posted by empath at 6:27 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

SELF UNIT ATTENDED DATE EVENT AT 1900 AT ARRANGED LOCATION AND INTERFACED WITH DATE UNIT. FOODSTUFF AND BEVERAGE WERE CONSUMED AND JUDGED AS ADEQUATE BY BOTH SELF UNIT AND DATE UNIT. SELF UNIT ENGAGED IN CONVERSATION WITH DATE UNIT AND ACCEPTABLE COMMUNICATION LEVELS WERE MAINTAINED THROUGHOUT DATE EVENT. SELF UNIT AND DATE UNIT THEREAFTER PROPOSED AND AGREED THAT SECOND ITERATION OF DATE EVENT OCCUR IN ACCORDANCE WITH MUTUALLY ACCEPTABLE TIME AND LOCATION SPECIFICIATIONS. SELF UNIT DETACHED FROM DATE UNIT AND THENCE PROCEEDED TO HOUSING AREA AND ENTERED SLUMBER ZONE. SLUMBER COMMENCED AT 2330. SLUMBER DECOMMENCED AT 0700. DATE EVENT REPORT ENDS.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 6:28 AM on March 9, 2012 [78 favorites]

He spent one-third of the time telling me about the musical he was writing about raccoons, one-third of the time talking about C++, and one-third of the time demonstrating the plot of Othello using the salt and pepper shakers.

Is he still single?

I think the implication here is that this means that he spent the entire date talking.
posted by empath at 6:29 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

It's become a cliche to say in these dating story threads that many of these stories are far more revealing about the teller. But I'm going to do it anyway.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:33 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you can think of any table settings that are better suited for demonstrating the plot of Othello, I'd like to hear them.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:34 AM on March 9, 2012 [46 favorites]

One should always keep a dead squirrel in their messenger bag, just in case. It's a handy get-out-of-jail-free card.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:39 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh man, the timing of this post couldn't be more awful for me. I'm going out on my first OKCupid date tonight. I am now mortified that I'm going to end up with an online dating horror story.
posted by tryniti at 6:40 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

DATE EVENT REPORT ENDS.

Alas, I never heard from Self Unit again.

*sighs wistfully*
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:40 AM on March 9, 2012 [11 favorites]

I am now mortified that I'm going to end up with an online dating horror story.
posted by tryniti

You can't conceive of how eponysterical this is to me.
posted by infini at 6:42 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

you don't need a dead squirrel--you can make do with a stuffed squirrel. all you need to do is pull it out and explain how rocky has to participate in any romantic moments.
posted by lester's sock puppet at 6:44 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

Oh man, the timing of this post couldn't be more awful for me. I'm going out on my first OKCupid date tonight. I am now mortified that I'm going to end up with an online dating horror story.

Leaving aside from the one girl with Borderline Personality Disorder, my experience with OK Cupid has been pretty good. But that's a pretty big thing to leave aside.
posted by empath at 6:46 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

Pretty much all of my bad dating experiences can be summed up by this xkcd "Pickup Artist" comic. In other words, most of the "bad" ones weren't so much bad as annoying and over with quickly (I tend to have a reparté like that woman and very much enjoy the resulting schadenfreude with PUAs).

Very disappointed in the taste of a few of these women--both stories of "terrible" dates using "the Game" end up in bed with their dates.

Had a horrible date with a friend's roommate I had mashed with at a dinner party. So I take her out and she just can't stop talking about this dude named Bronson from work she says she has a crush on. In my mind, this is going nowhere but we are friends, so i soldier on. She mentions he lives nearby and since I'm not going to want a second date I say why dont we go over there? I'm definitely trolling at this point.

She's like "really, that wouldn't bother you?" I say no problem. We get there and the guy is obviously gay and is hanging out with his boyfriend. I still don't think she got it figured out, ever.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:46 AM on March 9, 2012 [20 favorites]

We get there and the guy is obviously gay and is hanging out with his boyfriend. I still don't think she got it figured out, ever.

"I hooked up with this guy at my roommate's party, and it totally turned out he was this really sweet gay guy that went with me to this guy's house I was crushing on just so I could make him jealous!"
posted by empath at 6:48 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

I kind of lost interest in the stories from The Awl link because not too many of them seemed particularly terrible. It just seemed like standard "bad date" stuff -- by far not the worst.

But then, maybe I hang out with a bunch of weird people who tend to attract crazy people. Or are at least better storytellers.

The bad date stories here are better.
posted by darksong at 6:50 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

In the Russian Roulette of blind internet-dating, Surprise! Borderline Personality Disorder is the gun exploding in your hand, and shrapnel embedding itself into every living surface.
posted by griphus at 6:54 AM on March 9, 2012 [19 favorites]

I went on a date with an otherwise cute girl who wore a "Trogdor the Burninator" shirt and said at least one 4chan meme to me, unprompted, out loud.

I like this one, where the protagonist hangs out on the internet enough to recognize 4chan memes, but finds the same quality in a partner to be a deal-breaker instead of a common interest. Hmm...

To me, there is something extremely unsettling about the type of person who constantly uses internet memes in real life. I was actually thinking about this recently, after an awkward encounter with such a person, and I think I've put my finger on why. It sort of signals that the person does not know how to switch their behavior/speech/etc between different situations, and that their internet hobby is the very center of their life. Like, take the other story in the link, about the Mets fan. The guy wasn't just into the Mets, he made the Mets the center of his identity to the point where it made other people uncomfortable. People do that with internet culture all the time, and it is actually MORE offputting if you're familiar with the memes, because... well, YOU know about that shit too, but you don't feel the need to talk about it ad nauseum on a first date. I think memes are funny but if a guy got all 'clean all the things' and 'challenge accepted' on a first date, I'd be weirded out.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:56 AM on March 9, 2012 [23 favorites]

Alas, I never heard from Self Unit again

REGRET FOR PREVIOUS ACTIONS COMMENCED AT 1445. REGRET FOR PREVIOUS ACTIONS DECOMMENCED AT 1448.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 6:56 AM on March 9, 2012 [19 favorites]

I think memes are funny but if a guy got all 'clean all the things' and 'challenge accepted' on a first date, I'd be weirded out.

Unless you hang out on reddit, in which case you would know that the other party has begun the dance which preludes the septennial Redditor mating ritual. An encyclopedic knowledge of advice animals, rage comics and assorted ephemera is the equivalent of a peacock's tail or the enormous antlers of the extinct Irish elk.
posted by griphus at 7:07 AM on March 9, 2012 [9 favorites]

Shortly after moving to North Carolina from New York, I found myself out on a date with a pleasant woman. Everything was going fine and we were sitting at some bar or restaurant on a weeknight making conversation. Everything was going very well.

For some reason I asked her to name three people from history she would meet if she had the chance. That sounds like something a person might frequently ask as a conversation starter, but it really wasn't. I think it was the first time I had ever asked someone that. She gave me some answer and it was interesting. I don't remember who they were as it was fifteen years ago.

She then asked me who my three would be. Oddly enough, I hadn't really considered that even though I had asked the question. So I said, "John Lennon, FDR, and Jesus."

"Jesus?" she asked, rather puzzled.

"Sure. He obviously made quite an impression on people at the time, and I would think he would be very interesting to talk to."

"But everything we need to know about Jesus is already in the Bible."

"Well, I would think that there was more to him than just some miracles and parables."

"If God wanted us to know more about Jesus, it would be in the Bible."

There would be no consecration of the date that evening, and there would be no second date.
posted by flarbuse at 7:08 AM on March 9, 2012 [21 favorites]

Watching mefites get all defensive and insecure on behalf of the rejected people is almost as entertaining as reading the stories themselves.

When I asked what she was doing on a blind date when she was going to give birth in two weeks she said: 'The baby has me; I want someone.'

Some of this stuff is just pure gold that no one could make up if they tried.
posted by hermitosis at 7:12 AM on March 9, 2012 [15 favorites]

"Well, I would think that there was more to him than just some miracles and parables."

"If God wanted us to know more about Jesus, it would be in the Bible."

If you're alluding to His Behaviour at His cousin's Bat Mitzvah, everyone agreed never to speak of that again.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:13 AM on March 9, 2012 [26 favorites]

It sort of signals that the person does not know how to switch their behavior/speech/etc between different situations, and that their internet hobby is the very center of their life.

Hey don't bring mefi meetups into this!
posted by hermitosis at 7:13 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

Am I the only one who's reading this article/thread with dread, half-expecting to see a story about themselves?
posted by modernserf at 7:17 AM on March 9, 2012 [14 favorites]

I've had my share of dates like this, but I've had a harder time enjoying these stories since, just once, I ended up on the other side of it.

I was going through a bad time, probably shouldn't have been trying to date anyone, but ... yeah. That was, somehow, totally me saying those things.

Evidence both before and after suggests that I do not have crippling psychological disorders.

Sometimes, something just goes terribly wrong ... and it's you.
posted by kyrademon at 7:17 AM on March 9, 2012 [15 favorites]

We agreed to have dinner at the most beautiful restaurant in Grand Forks. The china and silverware were clean, the linens were noticeably lint-free, and the food was served at an appropriate temperature. My date consumed her generous meal quietly and efficiently. Our conversation touched on such topics as family and siblings, television ownership, and the abundance of good parking in Grand Forks. When my date chose to use curse words, she did so deliberately and to a degree not in excess of what is generally considered normal. She decided to end the meal with coffee (served hot) and truly generous slice of coconut cream pie, while I decided to stick with cool water. We had a lively discussion about health and personal finance and then moved on to deeper subjects. Our server cleared our table with a minimum of fuss. I decided a reasonable tip was appropriate.
posted by newmoistness at 7:23 AM on March 9, 2012 [116 favorites]

And then what happened?
posted by infini at 7:27 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yeah, no. More like, you were being completely awkward, self-centered and negative the whole date and the french fries thing was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Hey, I'm just saying, some of these say more about the person complaining than they do about the bad date.

...
posted by kmz at 7:28 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

And then what happened?

The intercourse (free) was warm and comforting on a cold day. The duration was generous. My server was ready with Parmesan cheese.
posted by griphus at 7:30 AM on March 9, 2012 [106 favorites]

When I asked what she was doing on a blind date when she was going to give birth in two weeks ...

That might be my favorite. Like the fact that she was 8.5 months pregnant was a minor detail she forgot to mention before the date.
posted by octothorpe at 7:31 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

To me, there is something extremely unsettling about the type of person who constantly uses internet memes in real life. I was actually thinking about this recently, after an awkward encounter with such a person, and I think I've put my finger on why. It sort of signals that the person does not know how to switch their behavior/speech/etc between different situations, and that their internet hobby is the very center of their life.

Yes! This is actually very perceptive and I never thought about it in these terms before.

It also suggests to me -- based on previous experiences with meme-droppers -- that the person who is dropping memes (or, in an earlier iteration, Kevin Smith references) has an unconscious and disappointed expectation that the physical world is, or should be and therefore could be, more like the internet. The kind of people who feel like the world would be a better place if we could just replace all the waitresses with touchscreens, or something.
posted by gauche at 7:32 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

He spent one-third of the time telling me about the musical he was writing about raccoons, one-third of the time talking about C++, and one-third of the time demonstrating the plot of Othello using the salt and pepper shakers.

Othello with salt and pepper shakers is too obvious. You have to re-enact it with ketchup and mustard, so that onlookers get confused about what's supposed to be whom and think it's a story about the Chinese colonization of North America.
posted by madcaptenor at 7:33 AM on March 9, 2012 [19 favorites]

Am I the only one who's reading this article/thread with dread, half-expecting to see a story about themselves?

No, but my sock puppet was.
posted by madcaptenor at 7:34 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Othello with salt and pepper shakers is too obvious.

What you do is you get two salt shakers, unscrew the top off one of them, empty out about a half-inch of salt, pour in an equal amount of pepper and then launch into your thesis about the long-standing tolerance of blackface w/r/t performances of Othello, with special attention to the role as played by Laurence Olivier, Orson Welles and Anthony Hopkins.
posted by griphus at 7:39 AM on March 9, 2012 [16 favorites]

There's going to be a whole new PUA-school based around impressing women with your condiment puppetry.
posted by modernserf at 7:43 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

My date was ultimately convicted of involuntary manslaughter (his mother and sister testified that the father was a violent and sadistic abuser), and served no prison time. Eventually, his life led him to eharmony and to me.

Vindication!
posted by zombieflanders at 7:49 AM on March 9, 2012

What is PUA?
posted by infini at 7:50 AM on March 9, 2012

"I hooked up with this guy at my roommate's party, and it totally turned out he was this really sweet gay guy that went with me to this guy's house I was crushing on just so I could make him jealous!"

Nahhh, she knew I wasn't gay. We'd known each other 8 months before that. Seriously, Bronson was flaming. There was a point later that year where her and I were alone on her friends porch and I knew she wanted it to go further, but I had my birthday party the next weekend that she was invited to, and I had just learned that a girl I had dated that had moved back home was coming back for a visit. I wasn't going to mess around with that possibility coming right up.

Later on she moved into the basement of my friends house and isolated herself and put tinfoil up on all the windows. It was sad.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:50 AM on March 9, 2012

Then the same thing happened with two more guys, then I made a rule that you set up a meeting after the first e-mail exchange,

BTW, totally serious here folks: If you're new to internet dating, THIS is a rule to live by.

I've done the "we really seem to hit it off by email!!!" long paths to 1st-date disasters: stood up (after two weeks of daily emails), she wigged out and kept postponing, etc.

If the initial correspondence seems promising, move to a date SOON (heck, it can be just coffee!). Some peeps seem to get their kicks out of being a virtual "great date", when they aren't ready to deal with IRL human beings.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:53 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

What is PUA?

The last resort of a desperate man.

"Pick-Up Artist(ry.)" Scroll up to the XKCD comic linked in this thread, it's a pretty good distillation of the concept
posted by griphus at 7:53 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

What is PUA?

Stands for Pick Up Artist. Ever had a guy act really strange around you, sort of complimenting you but cutting you down at the same time, while trying to get some sort of upper hand with you? A guy that makes you feel weird and seems a tiny bit scripted but kinda interesting?

That's a part of the "seduction community" a group of men devoted to trying to have sex with women on the first day they meet them. Its all technique and self-psyching.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:58 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

We were talking about hobbies, and he explained that lately he'd been spending a lot of time setting up a sting to catch his ex-fiancee committing insurance fraud.
posted by argonauta at 8:00 AM on March 9, 2012 [7 favorites]

It's also so codified -- guess who the target market is, just guess -- that if you are a woman who dates, reading up on it enough to identify the techniques will save you a lot of time in avoiding idiots.
posted by griphus at 8:01 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

What is PUA?

Stands for Pick Up Artist. Ever had a guy act really strange around you, sort of complimenting you but cutting you down at the same time, while trying to get some sort of upper hand with you? A guy that makes you feel weird and seems a tiny bit scripted but kinda interesting?

That's a part of the "seduction community" a group of men devoted to trying to have sex with women on the first day they meet them. Its all technique and self-psyching.

Yes.

OMFG they read that horrible advise by Dr Dating or whatever on AskMen.com
posted by infini at 8:02 AM on March 9, 2012

God men are pathetic
posted by mattoxic at 8:02 AM on March 9, 2012

And it explains what seemed to me to be extremely odd behaviour by someone I'd been on a fieldtrip in rural South Africa with about 4 years ago... at last, comprehension!
posted by infini at 8:03 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Hey, some of us are pathetic on our own terms, thankyouverymuch.
posted by modernserf at 8:03 AM on March 9, 2012 [7 favorites]

It was fascinating, I have to say, but it was also profoundly depressing.

Yeah, that's been my experience with online dating, too.

The Matthew Barney comment/bourgeois pig thing totally could have been my story, except she was an art professor, not a student.
posted by brand-gnu at 8:07 AM on March 9, 2012

God men are pathetic

Oh yeah, I tried dating a priest once - total disaster.
posted by Dr Dracator at 8:10 AM on March 9, 2012 [12 favorites]

Really? I once dating an incarnation of Vishnu. He was pretty alright. And that third eye was really something. But talk about family drama...
posted by griphus at 8:13 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

We agreed to a movie then dinner afterwards to discuss the movie. It seemed like a reasonable idea on her part. Unfortunately, the movie was Quills, and she did not take well to seeing Kate Winslet be horribly raped and murdered. (Neither did I, really, since I really quite like Kate Winslet.) After the movie ended we walked out in silence. "Do you still want to get dinner?" "No," she said, and that was that.
posted by mightygodking at 8:16 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was a 'date from hell'. The real story is that there was this guy who was total PUA and I found him very unattractive. He was a brat to everybody. He asked me to get dinner at this seedy diner when he was 20-something and I was 16; I was aghast. He showed up 15-20 minutes late, which was fine. I had brought 6 of my close friends and we were already seated, eating. HI. NICE 2 SEE U.
posted by 200burritos at 8:18 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

> Stands for Pick Up Artist.

A friend of mine went through a PUA phase. The thing is, it works (or can, anyway). One night we were out at a bar and he told me he'd demonstrate some of the techniques for me on our waitress; "First I'm going to do this, she'll probably do this or this, and then I'll do this..." The entire interaction went pretty much the way he said it would and by the end of the night she was flirting with him and gave him her phone number. As a married guy who was always pretty hopeless when it came to dating, I felt like someone watching a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:21 AM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

Really? I once dating an incarnation of Vishnu. He was pretty alright. And that third eye was really something. But talk about family drama...

You were dating my exhusband too?
posted by infini at 8:29 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

If the DUI conviction and the brown teeth weren't enough, he really nailed it with "I don't mind fat chicks much".
posted by shiny blue object at 8:30 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

One of those stories is mine.
posted by ph00dz at 8:30 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Back in university I asked this girl I liked out to dinner and she invited me over to her place instead. Even better, right? She cooked me a nice meal, we had a fun chat, and I thought things were going pretty well. Then she suggested stepping out to a nearby bar for a drink. Well, one drink turned into two and two into four and she got progressively morose and then she started talking about this guy she'd recently broken up with. "Uh, oh," I thought. The evening ended with her literally crying on my shoulder as I walked her home.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:33 AM on March 9, 2012

The Card Shark, I'd think there's a really good chance that your friend left a hefty tip, and they never hooked up. Waitresses have pretty much heard all the lines, you know? There's a good chance there was some reverse jujitsu going on there.
posted by taz at 8:34 AM on March 9, 2012 [9 favorites]

That's certainly possible, but if she was just after the tip would she have given him her phone number?
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:44 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Did the number start with 555?
posted by modernserf at 8:47 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

In the Russian Roulette of blind internet-dating, Surprise! Borderline Personality Disorder is the gun exploding in your hand, and shrapnel embedding itself into every living surface.

She lied on her profile, she wasn't thin. Not at all. That's ok if one doesn't lie about it. She was also a lot more intense than over the internet and phone. She also said that she had sex with men for cocaine, because she used to be a cocaine addict. In fact, she had a 24-hour home health aid because of her breakdown in the Bronx and had to get back to her place because she was actually supposed to be at a NA meeting but discreetely snuck out so she could go on the date and the home health aid couldn't know. After she showed me her self-mutilation scars she decided I was now her boyfriend. I went to the bathroom and she completely vanished.

The next day she left a voice message to say that we could now have sex, but only at my place. I declined.
posted by fuq at 8:47 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

This list is pathetic. Some of these are truly horrible but the rest read like "The person I dated was not a mindless drone and showed some hints of intelligence, creativity, ethnicity, and different values than mine. I'm just looking for another dull suburban person to continue to churn out dull suburban children with. Any non-standard opinion or goal that doesn't relate to this is a deal-breaker. Thanks."

Give the guy who is writing a musical about racoons a chance or the guy who really loves dogs a chance. Or if you don't, then don't complain about how "all the good men are taken." These guys sound pretty interesting and don't deserve to be on this list.
posted by damn dirty ape at 8:49 AM on March 9, 2012 [11 favorites]

Waitresses have pretty much heard all the lines, you know?

Waiters/waitresses hook up with their customers all the damn time. It's really not that unusual. I mean, being a server means being cautious and having to shoot down lots of unfortunates, but when you see something you like, you go for it. Every waiter/bartender/etc. I know is like this.
posted by hermitosis at 8:50 AM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

and she knew immediately that I was me, either because of my pictures or because it might have been mentioned that there could have been a remote chance that I'd be the guy reading a collection of prose by the late-18th century French symbolist poet Stéphane Mallarmé (sorry, world)

If you're going to ostentatiously announce that you like to be seen in public "reading a collection of prose by the late-18th century French symbolist poet Stéphane Mallarmé," at least put the man in the right century. This dude sounds 1000 times worse than the person that he's writing about as "ew, that horrible woman I had a date with."
posted by blucevalo at 8:52 AM on March 9, 2012 [10 favorites]

I got walked out on on a date that seemed like it was going fairly well because I said I didn't like french fries. I am still baffled by it.

I can't be with anyone who doesn't like fries, ok?!!?!?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:53 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

Ok, here's mine: was on a dating site, communicating with a guy for a bit when he asks me about the fact that I like to ski. He asks whether I mean snow ski or water ski because he has a tracheostomy and if he went water skiing, he might drown. I was speechless. As was he.
posted by Kokopuff at 8:56 AM on March 9, 2012 [11 favorites]

See thus us why I never dated, from fucking around to married, bam, none if thus meet your dinner crap.
posted by The Whelk at 8:56 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Give the guy who is writing a musical about racoons a chance or the guy who really loves dogs a chance.

You know what? No. There's nothing wrong with people having unusual interests or dreams, but for the vast majority of people who meet someone online, the first date is really all about demonstrating that you are a functional human being worthy of being taken seriously as a candidate for romantic partnership. It's sort of like a job interview, in that they know that you won't ALWAYS dress like this or have your best foot forward, but it's important to prove that you know what the basic expectations are.

It is (usually) not a proper setting in which to prove how utterly unique you are, or how devil-may-care you are about societal conventions, etc. On a first date, people mainly want to know whether you are safe to let into their lives, full stop. Seriously, almost anything beyond that is a serious bonus. So, if you start out by proving that you have a very poor idea of what might be interpreted as creepy/strange/tragic by others, you aren't doing yourself any favors.

Save the raccoon musical till the second date, at least.
posted by hermitosis at 9:02 AM on March 9, 2012 [45 favorites]

Save the reveal that it's an erotic musical til the third date.
posted by The Whelk at 9:05 AM on March 9, 2012 [26 favorites]

The guy who wrote Sh*t My Father Says tried all the major dating sites.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:06 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

Oh yeah, I tried dating a priest once - total disaster.

I see your mistake -- what you want is the seminary dropout. then there's at least a chance you'll hook up.

It is (usually) not a proper setting in which to prove how utterly unique you are, or how devil-may-care you are about societal conventions, etc. On a first date, people mainly want to know whether you are safe to let into their lives, full stop. Seriously, almost anything beyond that is a serious bonus. So, if you start out by proving that you have a very poor idea of what might be interpreted as creepy/strange/tragic by others, you aren't doing yourself any favors.

Actually, I AM the kind of person who'd be jazzed by the racoon-musical people. (Call me, guys!)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:07 AM on March 9, 2012

>Save the raccoon musical till the second date, at least.

So, in other words if he's not an excellent social manipulator who doesn't understand the best way to hide things from you, then dealbreaker amrite?!

By the time you have that first date, you've probably had x amount of emails and calls. Its not 1955. We don't need chaperones or Dear Abby's guide to first dates. If someone is writing a musical that's something I'd love to hear, especially if the alternative is guarded and cagey small talk because each side is unwilling to be remotely interesting or honest with the other side.

"Do you like stuff?"

"I guess."

"Good."
posted by damn dirty ape at 9:08 AM on March 9, 2012 [8 favorites]

"Actually, I AM the kind of person who'd be jazzed by the racoon-musical people."

And if the raccoon musical was based on Steven Boyett's cult classic novel The Architect of Sleep? ZOMG I WILL GET A DIVORCE TO DATE YOU.

(Note: Will not actually get a divorce)

(Note: Will not actually date you)

(Note: Will probably tell Steve you're totally violating his copyright)

(Note: You know what? Forget I said anything)
posted by jscalzi at 9:11 AM on March 9, 2012 [16 favorites]

By the time you have that first date, you've probably had x amount of emails and calls.

As all these stories show us, despite some people knowing how to self-represent fairly well from behind a screen, a lot of them really fail at it in real life. There is certainly a way to be "your best self" on a first date without being a social manipulator. Ad I think we've all given people a second or third chance even if there was a little awkwardness because we sensed they might be a really decent person.

These people are not those people.
posted by hermitosis at 9:12 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

DDA, the point of the Raccoon musical anecdote (as was noted earlier in the thread) is not that the guy was a wierdo who liked weird things, but that he Talked. The Entire. Time. About stuff his date plainly did not find interesting.

In terms of basic social interaction that's two cardinal sins: 1) Conversation is a two-way street; and 2) One needs to show some awareness that people around you are not you.

If you cannot at least make a special effort to not totally dominate a conversation when you are supposed to be getting to know someone, then yeah, most people will not put up with your un-social behaviors.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 9:14 AM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

My personal highlights:

_ Three dates, phone call that ends with "I've been feeling really weird since I stopped taking my anti-psychotic medication," which had never come up before in any of the lengthy conversations we'd had, ever.

_ Short, intense relationship with a woman whom I discovered afterwards was concurrently dating another guy because he could supply her with cocaine.

_ Second date at the movies, and we picked (more or less at random) Aurore, a movie about an entire village's complicity in the torture and murder of a young girl in 1950s Quebec. After the date, she (a Francophone) told me that she was an ardent separatist and couldn't wait for her nation to throw off the yoke that my people (I'm an Anglophone) had imposed on her.

_ Short-term relationship that ended at the kissin' stage that resulted in a decade of stalking, including a decapitated rooster head being left on my stoop.

_ Calling my girlfriend after a 2 a.m. cycling accident (on my way home from a friend's, hit by a truck) to take me to the emergency room, because she was the only person I could think of with a vehicle big enough to handle both me and my bike. Got dumped in the emergency room. To be fair, she'd been acting weird for a couple of weeks, and I told her that if she had anything she really needed to come clean about, she might as well do it while I was already in shock.

_ Her profile said she was a licensed doctor; I went to the date feeling a bit out of my league, only to find that she was a licensed chiropractor, of the chakra-and-incense variety, and quite fervent about the conspiracy keeping her cure for all life's ailments out of the hands of the people thanks to the machinations of Big Medicine.

3/6 via dating sites, 3/6 via good-old-fashioned IRL dating.

BUT

the Internet introduced me to my wife (via the late, lamented Barbelith): we're going on three years of marriage without a hiccup. So it doesn't all end badly!
posted by Shepherd at 9:16 AM on March 9, 2012 [9 favorites]

So, in other words if he's not an excellent social manipulator who doesn't understand the best way to hide things from you, then dealbreaker amrite?!

What? Knowing what not to say the first time you meet someone in person is how you make sure you don't strike out from the get-go. Now, personally, I think the Raccoon musical thing is harmless (and even sort of endearing, and, apparently not the actual turn-off in the anecdote) but that whole "you have to BE YOURSELF on dates" thing has a huge caveat in that you're also not supposed to provide a torrent of pure YOU.

Regardless of how much you speak and email someone before meeting them in person, you have not yet meet them in person. There's a big difference between "excellent social manipulator" and "person who knows what not to say to make sure the other person is comfortable."
posted by griphus at 9:16 AM on March 9, 2012 [7 favorites]

There have been enough online dating posts here over the years that I'm sure this story is a rerun, but my worst online date was actually my first:

* My date asked me straight out how much money my parents made per year (she claimed that she wanted to know what my lifestyle expectations were since she had grown up in a household where having maids and nannies was the norm. Since I was just in my mid-20s at the time I guess she was trying to gauge my potential as a future earner)

* Earlier in the evening, she had told me this really elaborately detailed cover story that I needed to memorize about how we "met", so we wouldn't have to acknowledge to any of our friends that we had met online. She was being presumptuous.
posted by The Gooch at 9:17 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Give the guy who is writing a musical about racoons a chance or the guy who really loves dogs a chance. Or if you don't, then don't complain about how "all the good men are taken."

Women are allowed to have standards and preferences beyond "has a pulse, not actively beating me"

I see this all the time from men and women alike. I don't get it because there is no allowed. I think 2 dates is enough, unless a complete disaster.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:18 AM on March 9, 2012

How do I discuss my raccoon musical on a first date? [more inside]
posted by modernserf to human relations at 12:17 PM - 0 Answers +
posted by modernserf at 9:19 AM on March 9, 2012 [35 favorites]

People are weird, and depressing (in aggregate, when their stories are presented like this).
posted by maxwelton at 9:22 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

I had a first date recently (a month ago) where I told a Big Fucking Secret about my history that one usually would wait until, I don't know, the fifth or sixth date at least to tell? Actually, I told it before the first date, because we met in real life, and in some pre-first-date chatting online she pointed me to her OKCupid profile, and I figured I ought to reciprocate, because she's going to find out anyway.

You know what? It gave us something to talk about on the first date. Which went spectacularly well, yada yada yada I've been really tired for the last month.

She's also made me self-conscious about using the word "awesome", because she once went on a bad date with a guy that used that word thirty-seven times in an hour (she counted), but let's ignore that.
posted by madcaptenor at 9:22 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

On a first date, people mainly want to know whether you are safe to let into their lives, full stop.

Wow. And with that, my dating history became even more pathetic. Went right from my being 'uninteresting' to 'unsafe'. Jeebus.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:22 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

"The guy who really loves dogs" wasn't shot down because he really loves dogs. He was shot down because he

Wanted thirty dogs (literally thirty, as in had their specific breeds picked out);
Had zero dogs.

I'm not saying he necessarily should have been shot down due to that, but that combination does seem a bit weirder to me than "really loves dogs".
posted by Flunkie at 9:22 AM on March 9, 2012 [10 favorites]

demonstrating the plot of Othello using the salt and pepper shakers

I demand the YouTube video.

Perhaps a series: Shakespeare Condiment Theater.
posted by Gelatin at 9:23 AM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

Still reading the main article, I just totally choke-laughed when I got to this:

...The tones of both emails are breezy but friendly and I go on with my life/OKCupid dating. A few days later I receive an email from his listserv and notice that one of his new stories shares a title with a fairly unique phrase I had worn on a button. The story is told in the first person. The narrator is a condescending, poseur asshole often mistaken for a lesbian, and at one point she actually says, "No! I just dress this way to repel men!" The story ends with her being beaten savagely with a cricket bat.
posted by hermitosis at 9:25 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

Instead of burning other people, which I could do for hours, I'm going to burn myself.

My first ever online-date-related phone call, the woman asked me what I studied in college. I must have been rambling, because about five minutes into it, she yelled, "Oh my God! I got into a car accident! I'll call you right back."

Never heard from her again.

It takes a while in the beginning to stop saying to yourself, "is she ok? Is she ok?"
posted by phaedon at 9:25 AM on March 9, 2012 [14 favorites]

Hamlet practically stages itsself
posted by Dr Dracator at 9:25 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Earlier in the evening, she had told me this really elaborately detailed cover story that I needed to memorize about how we "met", so we wouldn't have to acknowledge to any of our friends that we had met online. She was being presumptuous.

Oh, man, I once had a cover story. Rather than a rough-around-the-edges college dropout from Brooklyn, she had told her parents that I had graduated from an Ivy League university (as did she) and that I either owned a yacht or had taken yachting classes or there was just generally a yacht involved in there somehow (NB: I have never been on a yacht.)

Eventually, she either told her parents who I actually was -- we dated long enough that I ended up meeting them and I was of no mind to lie to people -- or she had been bullshitting me about telling them all this stuff.
posted by griphus at 9:27 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

"My name is griphus, millionaire, i own a mansion and a yacht."
posted by The Whelk at 9:30 AM on March 9, 2012 [13 favorites]

These people are not those people. Ah, internet profoundity... after reading this thread I think I'd go out on a date with most of you, even you Ironmouth though I'll have to brush up on which threads to steer away from in a conversation

*ducks*
posted by infini at 9:45 AM on March 9, 2012

Vegan. Taxidermist.

I ordered the steak. Rare.
posted by sexyrobot at 9:57 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

That's certainly possible, but if she was just after the tip would she have given him her phone number?

If she was after the tip, she certainly would have given him some phone number. Players get played, my friend. Players get played. As the confidence artists say, you can't cheat an honest person.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:04 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

She lied on her profile, she wasn't thin. Not at all.

A girl described herself as "lithe," which is usually taken to mean thin, like a reed. She wasn't thin like a reed, but further consultation with the dictionary revealed that "lithe" also means flexible, and she may well have been.
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:08 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

All y'all are assuming the dated-priest was a Roman Catholic priest. He could have been an Eastern Rite priest (like George Stephanopoulous's father), or he or she could have been an Anglican or Episcopalian priest.

But it's funnier if it was a Roman Catholic priest, I agree.

To commit the dreadful faux pas of telling another story about my dating life, I did once go on a date with a man who was enrolled in the Holy Cross Greek Orthodox School of Theology. Nothing hilarious happened, except that there was a caterpillar in his salad or something like that. It turned out that we had exactly one thing in common--we had both hated the Ancient Greek class in which we had met. Apart from that, he liked to spend time with his family and other nice-guy priest stuff like that, whereas at that point in my life I was really more interested in going to the Rathskeller to hear punk bands and smoking lots of weed.

I would have been the shittiest priest's wife ever, except that I am good at baking.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:10 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

If it's so stupid, why are you doing it? If online daters are losers, why do you want to date them?

I think it's the same rhetorical device as "I don't mean to be racist, but" or "For your convenience"--the self-reflexive fauxpology that indicates contempt for the interlocutor.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:11 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think what Sidhedevil is trying to say is...
posted by griphus at 10:12 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Female humans! Do YOU desire a mate that matches or exceeds your high criteria? Then your search is NEAR TO COMPLETION! Simply plug your input device into outflow chute of a "quidnunc kid 2000" and receive digital romance at a high to very high delivery rate!

The quidnunc kid 2000 robotic love processor is fully charged and operational and ready to output its love at you in a variety of codecs. Romance applications can be downloaded straight to your central memory core, and include all major love datasets, such as:

-- long walks in semirural environments;
-- candlelit dining experiences;
-- laughing and playing in the surf, optionally with a dog;
-- fucking; and
-- staring deep into one another's optical information-gathering nodules.

Guaranteed to be virus free and compatible with all major browsers. CAN YOU AFFORD NOT TO INTERFACE WITH THIS DEVICE TODAY? Please do not attempt to respond to the previous query until you have processed the following subroutine of recommendations:

"QUIDNUNC KID UNIT ACCESSED AT 1400. DEVICE CONNECTION ERROR. ABORT/RETRY/FAIL_?"
- Cynthia, 27, Vermont.

"His plastic manipulation units caressed my very soul as we drunk deeply from the goblet of physical intimacy".
- Julie, 35, Maine.

"OK, I guess, but I really wanted an Ipad."
- Sally, 42, California.

PURCHASE AND CONSUME LOVE AT ONCE WITH THE QUIDNUNC KIFATAL ERROR PLEASE RESTART YOUR COMMENT
posted by the quidnunc kid at 10:12 AM on March 9, 2012 [60 favorites]

Is that a jammed overflow chute or are you just happy to see me?
posted by griphus at 10:18 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Your opening "Female humans" makes me join drasticin reading your post in Morbo voice. (This is a feature, not a bug.)
posted by stevis23 at 10:20 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

My fiance and I met on line.... Whenever anyone asks us if that was weird, and how our first date went... I usually say something like

"Well... I mentioned that I use transportation... and she said "My God! So do I!", and the rest is history."

Although to be honest, our first date almost met with disaster when she accidentally insulted me, as I lived in an area with a lot of treatment centers, and specifically lived in a gated community known for its residents being active in the recovery community.

When she found out where I lived, (which was within 10 minutes of meeting) she asked with a joking smile:

"You're not one of those Rehabbers, are you?!"

after a long awkward pause, I responded that "Yes... I am..."

We spent the next 20 minutes alternating between more awkward silence, and ambiguous talk about food and the weather after which the date ended because she had to wake up early.

I had written her off as an ignorant and prejudiced "normie," and vented to my roommates and some friends that night about how judgmental some people can be, and how RUDE!

One of my friends countered with the idea that maybe it had been a joke and she didn't expect my answer to be Yes, and if I liked her otherwise, to text her and thank her for the date anyway. After a little debate on that, I decided that I would do so the following day, and well... the rest really is history... :)
posted by Debaser626 at 10:22 AM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

Waiters/waitresses hook up with their customers all the damn time. It's really not that unusual. I mean, being a server means being cautious and having to shoot down lots of unfortunates, but when you see something you like, you go for it. Every waiter/bartender/etc. I know is like this.

The only servers I know who have ever hooked up with customers are particularly sleazy bartenders. All male. And I know a whole lot of servers. Though this is solidly a college town, so maybe that changes the dynamic.

From the other side, it's extremely dumb and inconsiderate to hit on your waitress. Dumb because her job is to be friendly to you and get you to like her. Either you can't know based on anything but a large number of interactions in and out of her professional setting whether she's really attracted to you, or most of the waitresses I've ever had have had the hots for me (they haven't.). Inconsiderate because they have to deal all day with idiots who not only think, "She keeps coming over and asking stuff! She likes me!" but are slowing her down.

I can definitely see, though, how the concentration of douches and 21-year-olds at the bar in a college town can shut down the whole system for everybody.

Anyway, this one is about me: OKC date, Chinatown in Chicago, very Chinese restaurant. Conversation seemed to go pretty well, but, knowing she was a vegetarian and not thinking, I ordered baby octopus. A whole plate of whole, happy-looking baby octopi. She had green beans. She wasn't overtly put off, but there was no second date.
posted by cmoj at 10:26 AM on March 9, 2012

"Well... I mentioned that I use transportation... and she said "My God! So do I!", and the rest is history."

My girlfriend and I have been bonding recently over the fact that we both have noses.
posted by madcaptenor at 10:26 AM on March 9, 2012 [8 favorites]

Rosenfork and Guildenspoon are Dead. Playing now at a napkin near you.
posted by Babblesort at 10:26 AM on March 9, 2012 [28 favorites]

She never does. I don't notice.

Paradoxical!
posted by kenko at 10:47 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Earlier in the evening, she had told me this really elaborately detailed cover story that I needed to memorize about how we "met", so we wouldn't have to acknowledge to any of our friends that we had met online

Not a bad story, and not even about dating, but this reminds me of crossing into Canada at the Port Huron border crossing and trying to figure out how to explain "visiting a bunch of Internet friends I'd never met in real life for a shindig". Eventually I settled on honesty. The border guard seemed a bit incredulous ("What if they're axe murderers?" "I'm pretty sure they're not axe murderers.") but eventually let me through.

Later on I did have a one bad experience with Canadian border guards but most of the time they were pretty cool. The American border guards even more so, almost too nice. The time I had trouble was when two of my friends and I were going to another shindig in Toronto and they almost turned us back because we didn't have much cash on us, only credit cards. I guess they thought we were going to Toronto to be on the dole or something? Then on the way back: "Are you all US citizens?" "Yep" "Did you buy any food in Canada?" "Um, some candy." "Ha, that's fine, just go on through." Note the lack of exchange of any identification whatsoever.
posted by kmz at 10:52 AM on March 9, 2012

This makes me wish I'd accepted more OKC dates, just so I'd have some interesting stories.

Had one date with a guy who wore a low-cut ruffly blouse ala Prince and talked about how much he loved & respected his mother all night. Hazard of meeting men in dark goth clubs.

Way back in the days of Prodigy I went on a "date" with a dude I met over the industrial music BB. He had a weird, robotic yet squeaky voice and the first thing he said to me was "You don't look too bad." He was also 5 years older than I and absolutely covered in acne. We went to see "Point of No Return" and I fantasized about telling him I was going to the bathroom and then ditching him. But I was 16 and had no way to get myself home.

He's probably playing Wave Gothik Treffen this year.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 10:54 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

"visiting a bunch of Internet friends I'd never met in real life for a shindig"

What's wrong with just "visiting a bunch of... friends... for a shindig"?
posted by madcaptenor at 10:55 AM on March 9, 2012

I am now mortified that I'm going to end up with an online dating horror story.

You should worry more about BEING the story.

Years ago there was this party on Yahoo! singles. After some exchanges it was agreed to swap pictures and the response back was "not attracted to you". My inside my head response to their picture BEFORE the rejection was 'in ugly tree, fell down tree and hit many ugly branches on way down. Then while walking away - ugly tree fell on them.'

Some 2 years later and back at Yahoo! singles get the same username saying "read your profile I'm interested .. blah blah blah" I wrote back 'a few years ago you told me you did not find my physically attractive and now that I'm older I doubt that has improved.'

The response back "I've lowered my standards, can we get together?"
posted by rough ashlar at 10:58 AM on March 9, 2012 [44 favorites]

Hahaha oh man, I feel a little weird that some of these horror stories are things I could totally see myself doing.

My worst case dating scenario... was actually not all that bad. But when the conversation turned to "future plans" the guy could not tell me much beyond how many dogs he wanted to own at some future time. He wanted to own thirty dogs. He had their names and breeds picked out already. At the time he owned no dogs at all.

I already own dogs though, is that less horror-ish?
posted by cairdeas at 11:11 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Everyone I know is guilty of the future-pet-that-already-has-a-name. Not thirty, but still guilty. My dear and I have a future-tortoise named Foxtrot. My sister has a future-bloodhound named Arsenic. I have a future-beta named Charlemagne.
It's actually a really fun game.
posted by FirstMateKate at 11:19 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

These people are not those people. Ah, internet profoundity... after reading this thread I think I'd go out on a date with most of you, even you Ironmouth though I'll have to brush up on which threads to steer away from in a conversation

*ducks*

I'm much sweeter in real life. Plus you seem smart and pretty ;)
posted by Ironmouth at 11:23 AM on March 9, 2012

god i'm terrible. please excuse me.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:25 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Hamlet practically stages itsself
I would perform Food Hamlet at a Waffle House.
posted by bibliowench at 11:31 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

The response back "I've lowered my standards, can we get together?"

See, the RIGHT answer here would have been "Turns out I spent a long time being a totally insufferable douche. Time has passed, and I have now realized the error of my ways via a series of complicated events that would probably be cackling-inducingly hilarious if they had happened to someone else. Coffee?"

I mean, the answer would probably still be "No," but at least you wouldn't feel like you'd been insulted twice.

(As a parenthetical aside: every once in a while I wonder why I was never on OKCupid, and I think about hopping on to see what all the fuss is about. Then I remember that I'm happily and monogamously married, and in fact have been with my husband since before there was Google, and THAT'S why I was never on OKCupid.)
posted by KathrynT at 11:31 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

He offered to make me dinner, but let me know that he intended to dumpster dive for the food. I am a germophobe, and suggested we go out to dinner instead, my treat. As we were being sat by the hostess, he grabbed some food from a plate that hadn't been cleared from an empty table. Saying, "I hate to see food go to waste!", he proceeded to stick said food in his mouth and eat it. The hostess and I made horror-filled eye contact, and I died inside. I ended up sitting through the most uncomfortable dinner ever, because I don't know how to leave when someone is clearly out of their mind.
posted by loriginedumonde at 11:31 AM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

I went on a date with an otherwise cute girl who wore a "Trogdor the Burninator" shirt and said at least one 4chan meme to me, unprompted, out loud.

Sounds like the kind of guy who would employ chiaroscuro shading.
posted by clearly at 11:41 AM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

Here's an interesting idea: I wouldn't be shocked if at least one pair of these posts represented both sides of a date gone horribly wrong. If they could be matched up, that would be some kind of gold.
posted by Edgewise at 11:45 AM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would perform Food Hamlet at a Waffle House.

When shall we three syrups meet again? Over pancakes or toast?
posted by The Whelk at 11:47 AM on March 9, 2012 [4 favorites]

Not intended as a derail but to those of you currently without cats but considering ownership: Your future cats asked me to tell you to discard names with prominent "S" sounds.
posted by achrise at 11:47 AM on March 9, 2012

My future cat is named Pafnuty. It's fun to say.
posted by madcaptenor at 11:50 AM on March 9, 2012

I am a germophobe ... I don't know how to leave when someone is clearly out of their mind.

I realize your mental image was of him scraping McDonalds hamburgers off the bottom of a dumpster, but major supermarkets routinely throw out incredible amounts of pre-sell-by-date packaged food and produce bagged with only other produce. People getting for free the same stuff that was inside the store is why you see all of the huge compactors outside supermarkets (and Best Buys too). But, yeah, he should probably save the plate-snatching for the third date.
posted by cmoj at 11:52 AM on March 9, 2012

But, yeah, he should probably save the plate-snatching for the third date.

Which brings us back to hermitosis' heartfelt plea to the rest of us to please be human on the first date/job interview

That was too sweet, Ironmouth
posted by infini at 11:55 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Wait, isn't everyone else working a musical about racoons?

RABID: THE MUSICAL
SCENE 6

SUNRISE, A SUBURBAN PARK. A RACOON ARGUES WITH ITS COMPANIONS. THEY RUN OFF ONE BY ONE, LEAVING A LONE RACOON PERCHED ATOP A GARBAGE CAN.

RACOON (SUNG, HESITANTLY AT FIRST BUT WITH INCREASING CONFIDENCE AND VOLUME):

I am tired of the night
Tired of hiding in the dark
No more will I go scampering
by moonlight in the park
I want to feel the sunlight
shining warm upon my fur
Nothing against all my kin
It just what I prefer!

It's time to try
some Diurnality
I think I'll try
some Diurnality
And you can't make me sleep

I'm through being nocturnal
just 'cause I'm a procyonid
Even if the sun is shining
Doesn't mean we all must be hid!
Too long they've called me bandit
Banishing me to the night
Well if I must steal
I might just as well steal light!

The bluest sky
with Diurnality
The sun so high
got some Diurnality
posted by mikepop at 11:56 AM on March 9, 2012 [41 favorites]

Wait, isn't everyone else working a musical about racoons?

No, I'm working on a musical about condiments.
posted by madcaptenor at 11:57 AM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

In my mind, Racoons:The Musical is a sequel to Cats that includes a bank heist
posted by I am the Walrus at 11:59 AM on March 9, 2012 [8 favorites]

I want to put this in an online dating profile and see what happens:

"I like sunsets, long walks on the beach and inspiring people to write online dating horror stories. You could even say it's my passion in life. If I'm so awful that you have to tell all your friends about me for years to come, I will have succeeded. Hopefully you are the same way. Let's treat our date as a contest to see who can one-up the other for how obnoxious and repellant a human being can be on a first date. If you're sick of going on dates where everyone is on their best behavior, and if this sounds like your idea of a great (or just unpredictable) night, message me. XOXO"
posted by naju at 12:05 PM on March 9, 2012 [19 favorites]

Otoh, I draw the line at your current squeeze giving me a ride home at the end of our date
posted by infini at 12:11 PM on March 9, 2012

I am sad and disturbed by the number of bad date experiences written by women which can be summed up by "I really didn't like him and wanted to leave, but ended up staying and having my boundaries violated because I felt compelled to be polite and not say anything."
posted by Anonymous at 12:14 PM on March 9, 2012

I wish I had understood years ago that I have rights and that keeping the peace and not making trouble and being nice aren't actually more important than my rights. I'm 47 and I'm STILL trying to learn that.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 12:48 PM on March 9, 2012 [12 favorites]

Thanks to this thread, it's come to my attention that playing with your food, referencing internet memes, sharing obscure hobbies or interests, and other deviations from standard etiquette during a first date is actually a sign of a bad date for many people.

With that in mind, I'd like to offer my services. I can provide you with a terrible date for the low low price of a meal at a medium-to-low quality chain restaurant of your choice.

Past clients* have endured:

+ The entire first level of Pacman recreated in sushi
+ An artistic rendering of Mt. Everest from mashed potatoes, complete with a mountaineer from a torn sugar packet planting a toothpick flag on the summit (a sherpa fell to his ketchupy death along the dangerous slopes)
+ A boardgame made out of drink coasters and a packet of World of Warcraft trading cards
+ Interrupting his monologue about his favorite football team to explain that "I'm sorry, I don't watch reality TV" and asking if "the Knicks will be at the Superbowl" with a deadpan expression
+ Playing dumb and referring to the Wii as "the nintendo" and confusing "Half-Life" with "Halo" and asking if I can "download it from iTunes"
+ Snorting while I laugh
+ Napkins turned into a small origami army attacking the steaksauce, which represented the Lilliputins and Gulliver, respectively.
+ Explaining what modern rap lyrics have in common with Old English poetry
+ Pulling crayons out of my purse to draw on the paper tablecloth
+ Challenging him to a thumb war to determine who pays for the meal

So, if you feel left out of the conversation and desire to have your own first-hand experience on a bad date, don't hesitate to contact me!

*All true stories, and I was sober during all of them. It's come to my attention that this may be why I'm single.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 12:55 PM on March 9, 2012 [56 favorites]

subject_verb_remainder, I am enspousenating you with stars in my eyes. We don't even have to date. Let's just take over the corner booth at the IHOP and try to figure out why Napoleon failed at Waterloo. You can use my stormtroopers if you let me take artsy macro photographs of your steak armies afterwards and post them on the internet.

(I've been waiting for the one that goes: "She carried a camera bag, not a purse, and after we had an otherwise mostly normal meal, she pulled this little Star Wars toy out and arranged it with her teacup." But then I remember, I don't do this 'dating' thing anymore, so I am okay. I think.)
posted by cmyk at 1:08 PM on March 9, 2012 [8 favorites]

Interrupting his monologue about his favorite football team to explain that "I'm sorry, I don't watch reality TV

Oh my god I am so stealing that line.
posted by Aznable at 1:11 PM on March 9, 2012 [15 favorites]

Move over cmyk, subject_verb_remainder is my kind of cup of tea. Of course that cup was being used to recreate the decent into the volcano by Professor Lindenbrook and company to find the center of the Earth!
posted by mfoight at 1:34 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

subject_verb_remainder, will you long-distance pretend-marry me?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 1:34 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

I met my wife on an online dating site! It's been over a year, and so far, so good.

Frankly, my experiences with online dating were generally excellent, and I did it for over a decade. I was pretty careful to eliminate people fairly early - for example, I discovered that "not having a TV" was a decisive factor for a lot of people so I put it in my profile, after the first date where someone referenced some TV show I'd never heard of and looked at me like I was a serial killer.

I also made it clear that I was a pot smoker and occasional acid head, I liked to go to live music in divey clubs late at night, an unbeliever, and that I hated Republicans.

And after one or two bad experiences I insisted on a fairly fresh full-length photo (in particular, one woman had weeping sores, ouch!)

So generally I met people I liked, we had a good time, several of them are still my friends or at least good acquaintances...

I know there's at least one person on Mefi who I talked to on one of these sites and never met - I tried to avoid that, it nearly always that meant that there was someone else I was interested in and didn't want to jinx, but I feel bad anyway.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 1:35 PM on March 9, 2012

Yup. That's being socialized as a female for you.

Up to "having my boundaries violated", maybe, I'd think it's just "being socialized". It's really hard (as well as really rude) to just up and leave when someone is talking to you. It's hard to cut short a conversation by saying something as blunt as "hey, I don't like you, later"; it's hard, too, to deceive someone ("going to the bathroom") and then skedaddle. (This is why charming people are so fucking annoying; they appeal to your socialization, against, sometimes, your judgment.)
posted by kenko at 1:41 PM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

I, too, think that Trogdor woman sounds like an awesome date. I'D love to meet her - or at least have her shirt.
posted by jb at 1:41 PM on March 9, 2012

I think every bad date would be better thought of as "I met someone completely incompatible with me, so I moved on" -- unless the other person won't move on. That makes it a bad date, because it is unwanted and it simply won't end.

Ok, here's mine: was on a dating site, communicating with a guy for a bit when he asks me about the fact that I like to ski. He asks whether I mean snow ski or water ski because he has a tracheostomy and if he went water skiing, he might drown. I was speechless. As was he.

Actually, I think that's a pretty slick way of bringing up his tracheostomy; far better than "oh, by the way, I had a tracheostomy."
posted by davejay at 1:43 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

The rest of you may be kidding but I really did just spouse subject_verb_remainder.
posted by kenko at 1:43 PM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

cmoj, I have plenty of Freegan friends. I know lots of food gets thrown out that is perfectly edible, in packaging. Like I said, I'm a germophobe, and no bit of rationality will make it okay for me to personally eat dumpstered food. It's fine for everyone else, and I've been along on dumpster missions. I'm just not going to eat it.
posted by loriginedumonde at 1:43 PM on March 9, 2012

Short-term relationship that ended at the kissin' stage that resulted in a decade of stalking, including a decapitated rooster head being left on my stoop.

Hey, on the plus side: free rooster head.
posted by davejay at 1:45 PM on March 9, 2012 [8 favorites]

kenko: "The rest of you may be kidding but I really did just spouse subject_verb_remainder"

I crushed her.

Wait, that doesn't sound correct...
posted by I am the Walrus at 1:49 PM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I mean, the answer would probably still be "No," but at least you wouldn't feel like you'd been insulted twice.

Shocking revelation - you have to work to insult me.

It helps if you are some petty low-level functionary who claims authority you do not have.

The 1st round - after making the judgement about the bad photography and thinking 'seem OK as a person based on the electronic exchange up to that point' I felt I dodged a emotional-baggage bullet. The 2nd time was just laughter.

Glad to be out of the dating 'game'.
posted by rough ashlar at 1:50 PM on March 9, 2012

I already own dogs though, is that less horror-ish?

Yes. Someone who dreams of owning thirty dogs, and already has the breeds picked out, yet currently owns none...is someone who demonstrably spends a great deal of time and effort dreaming about big future plans, without bothering to take the first step towards that goal, to see if their dream is actually something they'd enjoy for real (rather than in the abstract.)

Not really a desirable quality in a person if marriage is something you'd like to experience in the future; you might end up spending years of your life discussing the idea of your future wedding and life together, without ever getting a proposal or proposal acceptance from the other person, or worse -- after years of planning and detail, finally getting married, and having the person be perpetually disappointed because the reality of marriage doesn't map to their dream of marriage.

of course, that doesn't just apply to marriage; it also applies to kids, jobs, places to live, cars to drive, houses to own, and right on down to everything else in a life: if you spend tons of time and effort dreaming about something without taking even the smallest steps to experience it, it will rarely end well. Taken to an extreme, would you want to be with a person who fantasized extensively out loud about what they'll do "when" they win the lottery, but never bothered to buy a single lottery ticket?
posted by davejay at 2:02 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

So it sounds like basically dating is pretending to be normal until you find the person you can be weird with.

Why not just be weird in the first place? Seems like it would cut out a lot of the bullshit.
posted by madcaptenor at 2:02 PM on March 9, 2012 [16 favorites]

Why not just be weird in the first place? Seems like it would cut out a lot of the bullshit.

You've pretty much just described why I've always been surprisingly successful in dating.
posted by davejay at 2:04 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Not really a desirable quality in a person if marriage is something you'd like to experience in the future; you might end up spending years of your life discussing the idea of your future wedding and life together, without ever getting a proposal or proposal acceptance from the other person, or worse -- after years of planning and detail, finally getting married, and having the person be perpetually disappointed because the reality of marriage doesn't map to their dream of marriage.

Man, are people really coming to deep conclusions like this based on silly things people say on first dates?

I love how we've now placed such huge weight on analyzing the guy who wants thirty dogs and talks about the breeds he wants - most likely he's not some tragically noncommital guy who needs psychotherapy, he's just a guy who thought that was a funny subject to wax poetic about in a conversation so the date wouldn't be quite so boring, and he wasn't serious at all but his date took it the wrong way.
posted by naju at 2:16 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think there's weird, and there's weird.

I'm a "weird" guy. But I'm not weird in terms of "having trouble interacting with others" or "not being a responsible member of society". I'm weird because I have tastes and interests that are at variance with those of much of the rest of society - that doesn't mean I'm not presentable!

Most of the counterparties in these "dating horror stories" are "weird" in the "has trouble interacting with others, is not presentable to the family and is not a responsible member of society" category.

They're probably well aware of these issues, and they're actually acting fairly rational by hiding them as long as they can.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 2:16 PM on March 9, 2012 [5 favorites]

Kenko, I'm waiting for a positive response from s_v_r. I don't want to be presumptuous.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 2:23 PM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Man, are people really coming to deep conclusions like this based on silly things people say on first dates?

Well, if a person is talking about something that's really, really important to them? Yes, I should think so. That's not really about "analyzing" or suggesting that a person needs psychotherapy; that's about listening to the other person, hearing what they're telling you is important to them, and thoughtfully considering how you feel about it. Which is, ultimately, what dating is about.

I'm wondering why you think this particular person was trying to be funny, though; I haven't personally experienced someone going through that level of trouble to establish detail (thirty breeds previously picked out, remember) unless they genuinely care about the subject. I personally wouldn't have judged it a goof.
posted by davejay at 2:24 PM on March 9, 2012

>I love how we've now placed such huge weight on analyzing the guy who wants thirty dogs and talks about the breeds he wants

OK, but that's "weird b" if you see my analysis above. This person is aspiring to be a dog hoarder! And worse, appears to be unaware that for most people, even dog lovers, the idea of having thirty dogs sounds like a nightmare, not a dream. We have two lovely foster dogs (if you want a charming, affectionate little dog and are in the NYC area, drop me a line), very well-behaved, and they're never a problem, but if we had three more it would start to occupy too much of our time, and if we had twenty-eight more, that would be our entire a life.

And consider that this obsessive dog lover doesn't even own one dog. It's like someone going on and on about being a famous musician when they can't sing and don't own any musical instruments... it's "weird b".

There's also the point of appropriateness. If someone I knew told me that they'd always had a secret fantasy of being a Mafia hit man, I wouldn't think anything of it, it'd be interesting. If someone told me that on a first date (and I were female), I'd be frightened. "Weird b" again.

The dog guy doesn't have enough of an accurate model of other people to know what he says is going to weird 99% of the population out. Another red flag.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 2:25 PM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I dunno, I totally just make shit up on the fly to be funny all the time. Sometimes I deadpan it too. Riffing on dog names and breeds sounds like an attempt to have a good time. "Um, no, no I don't have any dogs
posted by naju at 2:29 PM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

(oops that cut off, but you get the gist)
posted by naju at 2:30 PM on March 9, 2012

>>he's just a guy who thought that was a funny subject to wax poetic about in a conversation so the date wouldn't be quite so boring, and he wasn't serious at all but his date took it the wrong way.

That's the bias of the storyteller; we only know one side of the story. The guy may have been trying to get her to cheer up or laugh at some stupid names. Unfortunately, people naturally empathize with the critical person. Me? I usually root for the weirdo underdog, but these conversations really reveal how quickly we judge and dismiss people.

I think the nerdy guys win in the end. Its like an extended childhood. They don't learn those wonderful social manipulator skills others pick up on early so they can go ahead and write that weird ass racoon musical or whatever. I'd hate to live in a world where the idea of being deemd 'uncool' or 'undatable' by the lowest common denominator made everyone give up on creative projects, humorous conversation, and generally small talk bullshitting. I'm so glad guys like Dan Harmon or Joss Whedon never cared about being so darn cool.

If you're weird, stay weird. Don't let Ms. Judgmental SourDater bring you down. You'll find someone who will appreciate you.

/happily married weird guy
posted by damn dirty ape at 2:36 PM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

But again -- there's "letting your freak flag fly" weird and then there's "I am not fully cooked yet" weird. Re-enacting Othello with the salt and pepper shakers? The former. Saying you'll treat your date to donuts, and then buying a single donut, taking a bite out of it, and then offering them some? Kind of the latter.

I've told my "I knew it was over when" story here before, but let me make it clear: that dude was not an objectively bad date. He was just a bad date for me. But the guy who took me out for pizza when I was in college, except that "out for pizza" meant "one slice each from Sbarro which we will eat in my car while it is pulled over on the side of a semi-rural highway," and which he did not even eat because he launched into a monologue about why the Government was biased against white straight men and wanted to enslave them to women forever, and when I tried to speak up, looked at me with hatred and yelled "YOU DON'T GET TO TALK!"? That guy was an objectively bad date.

God, I'd forgotten about that until right this very minute.
posted by KathrynT at 2:48 PM on March 9, 2012 [26 favorites]

damn dirty ape,

I think you're creating a false dichotomy. You seem to be pushing the idea that either you're a free spirit who just does whatever and fuck the rules, man, or you're a SOULLESS CONFORMIST AUTOMATON who wants to extinguish creativity and deviance under a fog of gray suburbia.

What others above have been stressing is that it's perfectly fine to like or do whatever you want no matter how "weird", but that that's not mutually exclusive with being able to handle yourself socially. You can like something, REALLY like something, yet still be perfectly able to deal with people in not-uncomfortably-bizarre ways. It's not "social manipulation".

No matter how much you've communicated beforehand, a first date really is a trial run for seeing if you can ever get along with someone. You're trying to establish a rapport. You're trying to figure out if this is someone you are romantically/sexually attracted to, and if this is someone you can reasonably spend time with. So it's fine to talk about your hobbies, but not to the point of entirely dominating the conversation, or being aggressive about it.
posted by Sangermaine at 3:16 PM on March 9, 2012 [10 favorites]

Up to "having my boundaries violated", maybe, I'd think it's just "being socialized".

The acceptance of having one's boundaries violated is where the "female" part of "being socialized as female" comes in.
posted by Anonymous at 3:51 PM on March 9, 2012

Kenko, I'm waiting for a positive response from s_v_r. I don't want to be presumptuous.

Oh please presume! I can use this as an excuse to talk about how my "husbands and wives" on the internets think I'm awesome just the way I am next time I embarrass a blind date.

In all honesty, my weirdness on first dates is due to two things: the effort to ferret out dealbreaking attitudes with regards to fun in life, and reacting to disapproval by treating it like a challenge. (Tell me I shouldn't play with my food... go on... I dare you.)

My job title (game designer) is a really useful litmus test for bringing out deal breaking attitudes in others (asking me when I'm going to get a "real job" or talking about the evils of consumerism and media and capitalism and how can I live with myself?!). In situations where my job doesn't come up, having that irreverant attitude lets me know if someone is too self-concious to, well, allow themselves to act like kids and if they'll stop me from acting like that too. I think 'play' is one of the most important skills people lose as they get older. I still go to the beach to make sandcastles! It's alright if someone thinks that's weird, and I'll still be your friend, but I don't want to date someone who thinks I'm too old for that.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 3:57 PM on March 9, 2012 [12 favorites]

Joe started pulling tricks from The Game. He started throwing in backhanded compliments, making fun of the fact that I'm in grad school, that I'm tall, that I like Stella Artois... pretty much anything you could use to describe me, he could insult. However, he did in this weird, jokey way, and sometimes apologized afterwards, so I wasn't exactly sure what was up.

WTF

Things took a turn for the the what-the-fuck when he started asking to touch my butt and for me to touch his dick through his pants.

WTF

I was a little tipsy and new to dating again, so I went along with this, for a little bit

WTF

Then he upped the ante by asking me to take a cellphone shot of my butt in the bathroom. Yes, really: a shot of my naked butt, in the bathroom, to be texted to him.

WTF

What. the. fucking. fuck.

Exactly

After about half an hour of being shamed for being boring,

WTF

I tried to do so

WTF

when he suggested we head back to his place, I was like "Why the fuck not?"

WTF

As the clothes came off, I saw that Joe had a tattoo of an old man's face on his chest. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Apparently, his grandfather.

WTF

After some mediocre doggie style

WTF

I made my escape.

WTF

Woo! I had had my first adventure in Single New Yorker-dom! And it was done.

Ummm... congratulations?
posted by Flunkie at 4:49 PM on March 9, 2012 [9 favorites]

You know what? No. There's nothing wrong with people having unusual interests or dreams, but for the vast majority of people who meet someone online, the first date is really all about demonstrating that you are a functional human being worthy of being taken seriously as a candidate for romantic partnership.

...

It is (usually) not a proper setting in which to prove how utterly unique you are, or how devil-may-care you are about societal conventions, etc. On a first date, people mainly want to know whether you are safe to let into their lives, full stop. Seriously, almost anything beyond that is a serious bonus. So, if you start out by proving that you have a very poor idea of what might be interpreted as creepy/strange/tragic by others, you aren't doing yourself any favors.

Well, it depends on if you want to date someone 'mainstream'. If you're going on a lot of dates, why waste your time with someone who's not going to be tolerant or interested in your quirks?

Take the 30 dogs guy. Maybe he wants to find a girl who will actually like the idea of having thirty dogs. So if a girl is turned off by it, then it's not the girl for him. It could actually be a bad thing if they hit it off and fall in love, because then he'd have to give up his dream.

So there is an efficiency argument in favor of letting it all hang out. If the guy is really attractive then why waste time with people he's not going to have compatibility with over the long term. People will put up with much more 'quirky' behavior from someone if that someone is super hot.
posted by delmoi at 5:42 PM on March 9, 2012

Ummm... congratulations?

Is it really that surprising that a woman would have sex with someone she didn't like, just because sex is fun on it's own?
posted by delmoi at 5:44 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

And she looked a little puzzled, and said, "No... No, I'm not Indian."

and it seemed like it was going to somehow be weirder for me to be all, "Uh no I knew you weren't Indian, I was, uh, I was making a joke because I thought it was an obvious thing, I mean uh if you WERE Indian I would find that surprising, 'cause, uh, you look more like a white lady is the thing"

So instead I said, "Oh."

I think I'd rather people think I was terrible at jokes then an idiot. The risk is that you might subtly imply that she was an idiot for not getting your joke, but it's possible to be funny while explaining the joke.

But then just as the waiter set down our entree, he launched into this whole rant about how the Emancipation Proclamation was the worst thing that ever happened to this country, a terrible violation of the Constitution and a grim overreach of Federal power, that it was the beginning of the road to perdition and ruin in Our Great Nation.

Not that Ayn Rand isn't a terrible person, and not that Objectivists aren't terrible, but I'm pretty sure Slavery goes against Rand's philosophy.
posted by delmoi at 5:59 PM on March 9, 2012

I love how we've now placed such huge weight on analyzing the guy who wants thirty dogs and talks about the breeds he wants

Well, given the limited information we have, it seems equally likely to be either a fun, wacky bit of speculation, or an annoying conversational derail.* I went on a date once with someone who literally could not stop talking about Hannah Arendt for the whole date. I think Hannah Arendt was an interesting writer and an important figure in intellectual history, but after the first twenty minutes of this guy's monologue, I never wanted to hear her name again, ever.

I would probably react in the same way if the dog thing was a derailing monologue. If the dog thing were a wacky, fun improvisation, I'd either get in the spirit of the thing or try to change the topic gracefully, depending on how well it was pulled off.

But there really are people, of all genders, who want to spend the entire date talking about The One Thing They Want To Talk About and resist all attempts to change the subject.

And P.S.: I am the weirdo underdog myself, so my seeing both potential takes on the situation is hardly my being all Mean Prom Queen to the weirdo underdogs. Weirdo underdogs, of all genders, can also be self-obsessed asshats who insist on talking and never listening.

*The same is true of Raccoon! The Musical guy. If it's one of the things he talked about, as part of a give-and-take conversation, more power to him; if he monologued at her about it as though it would be on the exam later, I can see how it would be annoying.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:11 PM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Not that Ayn Rand isn't a terrible person, and not that Objectivists aren't terrible, but I'm pretty sure Slavery goes against Rand's philosophy.

That man would not have been the only person to have used Rand as a starting point from which to make a pro-CSA argument. There are three or maybe four people doing it right here.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:14 PM on March 9, 2012

Not meaning to nitpick your comment, delmoi; I thought exactly the same thing the first five or ten times I encountered the Secesh Ayn Rand argument. It doesn't seem internally consistent to me, either, but it is A Thing that is Out There.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:22 PM on March 9, 2012

Not intended as a derail but to those of you currently without cats but considering ownership: Your future cats asked me to tell you to discard names with prominent "S" sounds.
posted by achrise at 11:47 AM on March 9 [+] [!]

What? My cat is quite appropriately called Solomon. Yes he is a neurotic mess, but he was thus when we got him, before he was called solomon.
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 6:25 PM on March 9, 2012

subject_verb_remainder, I just favorited the shit out of your last comment. Growing up is for old people.

And I spoused you.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 6:36 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

cmyk... I used to have a LEGO stormtrooper as part of my keychain so he was with me always, and then his head fell off and for a while I claimed he was a victim of the guillotine during the French Revolution.

I also have action figures in bathroom medicine closet ready to surprise attack snooping visitors.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 1:25 PM on March 9 [3 favorites +] [!]

As someone who uses classes on user generated content to secretly teach the history ofthe French Revolution, as well as an alternate interpretation of A New Hope, and the history of the Galactic Empire as told by the bard Jay-z, and never mind my key fob which is a VF-1 Valkerie with all it's limbs blown off.... sorry I had a terminal nerd-out and forget my point.
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 6:45 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Maybe I'm a bit late to the party, but I'll throw in my bad dating stories.

I agreed to meet a girl at a coffee shop. Upon arriving there, I saw that she had all her knitting gear laid out on the table. I said hi and went to get my coffee. She didn't look up, but whatever. I get back. I spent the next hour staring at this girl's scalp. I couldn't tell you her eye color because she never looked up. I didn't contact, but 2 weeks later, she texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out in 20 minutes. No, no I didn't.
posted by reenum at 6:56 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Ok, I know one of these people. The descriptors describe (as they do...) someone I used to work with. And he's actually an awesome guy although maybe a terrible blind date. I probably would be too. Ugh. I kind of feel ill but at least I know he'll probably never read that...unless someone else he knows does and sends it to him.

The first comment or so on The Awl pretty much nails it- one woman's trash is another woman's treasure. Although trash is a pretty terrible term too. Christ, why are people so mean???
posted by bquarters at 7:16 PM on March 9, 2012

Why not just be weird in the first place? Seems like it would cut out a lot of the bullshit.

People should probably just be themselves on first dates to weed out the people who are going to think that they're too weird for words. Better a bad first date than a bad relationship or a bad marriage.
posted by octothorpe at 7:57 PM on March 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

one woman's trash is another woman's treasure. Although trash is a pretty terrible term too. Christ, why are people so mean???

Honestly, this is what scares me when I think about what it would be like to be single again. I'm by no means capital-W weird, but I'm also not ultra mainstream in every way. I could easily imagine a bad online dating match-up turning into one of these stories, with me as the punchline.
posted by Forktine at 8:18 PM on March 9, 2012

s_v_r, I see your crayons and raise you a pocket watercolor set which is ALSO in my purse (next to my Catwoman lego keychain). I crayon and watercolor all the time. And have done so on first dates. I've been married for waaaaay long, so I don't know how it would seem coming from middle-aged me, but it USED to be received pretty positively. There's also usually a puppet somewhere on my person. If not, I can improvise one out of my hand, or the napkin, or the utensils.

I did manage to become someone's worst date story once, and I'm still not sure how. Guy I met in a stuck elevator apparently found me charming enough to hunt me down my mail slot in the English department. I didn't particularly notice him among the people I was trying to diffuse in the elevator, but his note was funny so I met him for lunch at a small bar near my off-campus job. I came from a meeting downtown, and for once had no crayons with me. It seemed a pretty dull, uneventful date to me, but I thought I was polite, if not showing much interest. A mutual acquaintance saw me the next day and said, "What did you DO to poor (dude X)! He's scared to DEATH of you!" Whuuuu??? Never heard from dude X again. Still no idea what I did to terrify him. Should have brought the crayons.
posted by theplotchickens at 8:32 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

"So, how did you two meet?"
"Uh in a 'worst dates thread' on the interwebs, she told us how she'd be a terrible first date so we had to scramble to get in line"

;p
posted by infini at 9:03 PM on March 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

For what it's worth, I just got back from the aforementioned first OKCupid date. It was not terrible as far as I could tell. If a story shows up on that site tomorrow that sounds remotely familiar to our evening though, I'm gonna be pissed.
posted by tryniti at 9:03 PM on March 9, 2012 [3 favorites]

Yeah, I'm thinking I might need to rewrite my OKCupid profile to this much more appreciated format.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 9:44 PM on March 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

Going on my first OKC date on Monday. Letting my freak flag fly. Thanks, Interwebz!
posted by buzzkillington at 12:02 AM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Apparently I went on a (second) date with someone about three years ago and we walked past a shop window in which a brooch was displayed (among other things) and she said it was pretty and I said something that basically translated to "beauty and pretty things are empty and meaningless" and then she said it was nice to see me and I got on the train. And this is why I date people who prefer power tools to jewelry.

(I totally forgot this had happened until I went out with her best friend last year and he reminded me, because apparently she'd told him this story, and he asked WTF I'd been thinking.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:34 AM on March 10, 2012

...what you want is the seminary dropout...

That's third date stuff, surely?
posted by tumid dahlia at 1:05 AM on March 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

That man would not have been the only person to have used Rand as a starting point from which to make a pro-CSA argument. There are three or maybe four people doing it right here.

Not meaning to nitpick your comment, delmoi; I thought exactly the same thing the first five or ten times I encountered the Secesh Ayn Rand argument. It doesn't seem internally consistent to me, either, but it is A Thing that is Out There.

Oh, I have no doubt that objectivists can be internally incoherent. Ayn Rand had this thing about how it was OK to steal land from the Indians because they weren't "using it" and hadn't thought up property rights, so they didn't have any. But I was just looking up what she actually said about it, and she consistently uses the term 'slavery' to describe what she opposes, i.e. taxation is slavery, sacrifice is slavery, and so on. But if slavery isn't bad, then her whole philosophy falls apart.

It's like a hard-core Christian who hates poor people.
posted by delmoi at 5:39 AM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Why not just be weird in the first place? Seems like it would cut out a lot of the bullshit.

I have a speed dating theory* that you shouldn't be trying to impress people, but filter them for people like yourselves. My question would be something like "Who is your favourite Muppet?" and "what do you think of adults who have toy Totoro dolls?" (the second should be answered with "So jealous!")

*remains totally as theory due to being long-term/married before speed dating was invented.
posted by jb at 6:49 AM on March 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

All's I can say is I have a dozen "check-for-nearest-exit" stories, I can't even figure out which to share. If you think you have it bad, imagine being on OKC in your fifties. All the quirks and characteristics have calcified into profound anger, disappointment, schlumpyness, poor dental care, and outright hatred of women based on The Ex. Dating as an older woman is like a circle of hell Dante could not have imagined. Luckily, I'm very good at picking up the early red flags, and I live in Manhattan so I never ever ever have to get in a car with one of these folks (please, don't do that, it's always the part of the story that sets my heart racing). Anyway, here's the early red flag that recently caused me to close down my OKC profile, again:

I posted a profile picture from a safe distance of me on a recent tropical vacation. I'm sitting in a deck chair at the water's edge in a bikini, but again, safe distance, not exactly provocative. To kind of show that I remain in good-enough shape. I get an opening salvo from a man my age (50s), lives downtown, great looking, cool profile, interesting job, promising as hell, and here's the entire email: "Great bikini pic, I can't stop thinking, landing strip or Telly Savalas?"

Hope me, and I mean that literally.
posted by thinkpiece at 8:10 AM on March 10, 2012 [7 favorites]

I went on a date with an otherwise cute girl who wore a "Trogdor the Burninator" shirt and said at least one 4chan meme to me, unprompted, out loud.

The thing I like the most about this guy is that he's straight-up telling you that enough people talk to him directly into his mind that he needs to specify that she said it out loud instead of telepathically.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:22 AM on March 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

My girlfriend and I have been bonding recently over the fact that we both have noses.

My girlfriend and I have been bonding recently over the fact that we both have...other things.
posted by benbenson at 8:58 AM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Not having the same thing can also be interesting
posted by Dr Dracator at 10:32 AM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

This is what got me in the bonding mood.
posted by infini at 10:48 AM on March 10, 2012

I am one of those people mentioning memes on a first date. I met my most recent boyfriend through memedates. I wasn't able to meet him until 3 weeks ago. Best Mardi Gras week ever. And it seems that was the highlight of our relationship.

Three months of talking and one week together was amazing, though. If he called right now and asked me to marry him, I'd probably say 'Challenge accepted.' Being understood - without explanations - has an unbelievably strong effect, when you're used to be the different girl.

The British accent certainly didn't hurt.
posted by doyouknowwhoIam? at 1:04 PM on March 10, 2012

And consider that this obsessive dog lover doesn't even own one dog. It's like someone going on and on about being a famous musician when they can't sing and don't own any musical instruments...

He could have been a renter? Landlords generally don't let you have pets. Yeah, I'm playing Devil's Advocate really.

A friend of mine has been going out with an OKC date for a while now, which surprised me as another friend has had nothing but crappy experiences with people met there. They often quote memes to each other. It's rather sweet.
posted by mippy at 7:05 AM on March 12, 2012

I suppose my worst dating story is that I've never been on a date. reading some of these I can't say I'm terribly sorry about that.
posted by Decani at 5:06 AM on March 14, 2012

I had a date that started with a totally acceptable thirty minute geek out about lord of the rings but then took a sharp turn to the super racist, including the following non-exaggerated statements:

"Is racism really bad... to the extent that it's accurate?" (this one shut down my brain so badly I started asking him how he was defining racism, only to slowly realize he was defining it the usual way)

"But you have to admit you feel scared when you're in those neighborhoods."

"Well, yeah, white people have advantages, but it's because we earned them over many generations of excellence."

"When we met at the club, I was really surprised at who you were with." (I was with one of my best friends, who is black. At this point I transitioned from frozen horror to getting the fuck out of there with an "it's getting late." It was not late. It was racist.)
posted by prefpara at 10:01 AM on March 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

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