The Incident Report. Or, The Time I Broke It

March 10, 2012 2:08 PM

"[It] is the shape, size and color of a baby eggplant.” Jeff Winkler on the time he broke his penis.
posted by dragoon (80 comments total)

Dr. Hwang, the urologist. You can't make that kind of stuff up.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:13 PM on March 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

Houston's top proctologists are a father and son with the last name, "Butts."
posted by Navelgazer at 2:16 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Once someone told me this kind of thing was possible to do, I said, "I am NEVER having sex on top. Never never never. I do not want to be The Girl Who Broke The Penis."

Thanks for the reminder, Jeff *Winkler.*
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:21 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

This was a hard article to read .
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:24 PM on March 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

I've mentioned an incident involving ovarian torsion before; I think I may also have mentioned, though, that it also happened in the midst of a very early date with a guy. And he took care of me in exactly the same way that Jaci took care of this guy.

Except he stuck around for another year and change.

I feel like sending him to go lay a smackdown on her or something, because seriously.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:24 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Brandon Blatcher: “This was a hard article to read.”

You read the whole thing? Yeesh. Not me.
posted by koeselitz at 2:26 PM on March 10, 2012 [6 favorites]

"The hydrocodine was difficult to get"

Suspension of disbelief broken here.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 2:28 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

You read the whole thing?

*Shrugs* It wasn't that long and it passed the time.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:30 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Words that should never be associated with anyone's penis:

The whole thing looks exactly like a mongoose-slaughtered snake stuffed through a mini life-preserver.
posted by Forktine at 2:33 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Brandon Blatcher: “*Shrugs* It wasn't that long and it passed the time.”

I want to make a joke out of that, but I can't think of one. Maybe somebody else can.

Anyway, yeah, morbid curiosity got the better of me and I read it. It started off painfully explicit and ended up sort of depressing.
posted by koeselitz at 2:35 PM on March 10, 2012

When I was four I ran my tricycle into a parked car, gashed my chin open. Guess who sewed it up? Yes, Dr. Chin.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:38 PM on March 10, 2012 [8 favorites]

You read the whole thing? Yeesh. Not me.

Here's the money shot for those who don't want to read the whole thing:

Mike is the first friend I made in town. He loves things like body modification and getting drunk at Chili’s. It’s his last day at the office. I couldn’t find medical-grade weed, so this is his going-away present. Maybe a half-minute after I show him, just as I’ve gotten my penis back in my pants, Mike looks at me with eager, sparkling eyes. "Lemme see it again."

posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 2:39 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was delivered by an OB named Harry Tusch.
posted by CaptainCaseous at 2:39 PM on March 10, 2012

Not the day to recommend metafilter to aging aunt.
posted by mattoxic at 2:40 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

I do not want to be The Girl Who Broke The Penis.

Don't worry. Most dudes prefer Stieg Larsson's other works.
posted by jonp72 at 2:47 PM on March 10, 2012 [78 favorites]

Anyway, yeah, morbid curiosity got the better of me and I read it. It started off painfully explicit and ended up sort of depressing.

Stylistically, I was fascinated how he told the story in non straight forward manner. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not, but it did well in pulling me into the story.

I feel like sending him to go lay a smackdown on her or something, because seriously.

Nah, she was awesome.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:48 PM on March 10, 2012 [5 favorites]

Metafilter: The whole thing looks exactly like a mongoose-slaughtered snake stuffed through a mini life-preserver.
posted by nevercalm at 2:54 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

There’s lots of black-and-blue bruising around the base and the balls. Dr. Hwang had used my old circumcision scar as a cut-here guide; dried streaks of blood crust around the ring of thick crude stitching that encircles the shaft and is tied up on the backside like a Christmas bow. Above that, bloated, shiny skin of deep maroon puffs out and up, as if I’d taped a half-deflated balloon to the top of the shaft.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKI-tD0L18A
posted by codacorolla at 2:54 PM on March 10, 2012 [6 favorites]

Brandon Blatcher: “Stylistically, I was fascinated how he told the story in non straight forward manner. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not, but it did well in pulling me into the story.”

Yeah, I say depressing, but it was pretty interesting how this transformed from a piece about a broken piece to a piece about guilt-dating, which is an interesting subject in itself. And yeah, I liked the interesting format.

A lot of good stuff coming out of The Awl lately, it seems like.

EmpressCallypigos: “I feel like sending him to go lay a smackdown on her or something, because seriously.”

Hm. I kind of agree with Brandon that Jaci in the story wasn't so bad. It's a tough thing. It's not just with broken penises, either; I've known people who, for instance, had just started dating someone when they got in a terrible car accident, or had a parent die, or something like that.

Suddenly the terms of the relationship change. Any decent person wouldn't leave someone right after their mom died, right? Or right after they lost a leg? But – if you just started dating that person, and you realize pretty quickly that they're not really a person you want to be dating in the long term, what then? You suddenly have this awkward conflict between what you perceive is the decent thing to do and what you think is probably best for you.

Giving the other person a few months like Jaci did is probably the right thing to do in those situations.
posted by koeselitz at 2:57 PM on March 10, 2012 [15 favorites]

I am still not clear on exactly what he did to his penis. The coy refusal to repeat medical terminology is stylistically apt but just WTF happened to his dick? Some kind of hydraulic rupture? It's not like there are any bones in there to actually break.
posted by localroger at 2:58 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I am so NOT going to read this.
posted by freakazoid at 2:59 PM on March 10, 2012

I think Jaci went way above and beyond the call of duty on this one, to be honest.
posted by empath at 3:01 PM on March 10, 2012 [11 favorites]

I was really moved by this essay. I don't think there are enough works about experiences people have with their health and the medical system that have a really strong voice like this one and that work through all the crowded hours of intense medical encounters that are mainly ambulatory. A lot of work is either book-length because of the chronic or dramatic nature of a person/family's experience, or very spiritual/processed/heavily metaphorized such that they may only appeal to pretty narrow audiences, or only work with some small part of the experience or the most outrageous part.

This one recognizes the absurdity of his injury while still working through shame, new infatuation and the pain of rejection, what the recovery process truly was like for him, and how it seemed to bring to light, for him, who friends are and who you tell these things to and why and when. I was particularly into his friend Mike and how much Mike's full acceptance and even prurient interest in the author's situation was comforting and kind of what the author needed.

When we're young, only a minority of us encounter chronic and serious illness/trauma--but a lot of us have annoying, upsetting, notable short-term non-terminal stints with acute problems. Because of that youth and the fact of surviving things like this, they get underplayed by everyone around us even if the effects can be far-reaching (financial, to our intimate relationships, our self-esteem and self-image). The author's fleeting pride with causing his buddy to faint due to a description of his injury and procedure gets and what I mean--he needs this survivable thing to make an impact that he can witness.

I got a little schmoopy, here, but since I'm in healthcare and deal with young people in healthcare, it's really good to see something like this. I often want to recommend something to people to read that sits somewhere between a clinic brochure and The Year of Magical Thinking. I hope he's made a full recovery in all ways.
posted by rumposinc at 3:02 PM on March 10, 2012 [15 favorites]

I read 4 paragraphs before I had to stop.
posted by cjorgensen at 3:02 PM on March 10, 2012

I read 4 paragraphs before I had to stop.

If it makes you feel any better it gets worse towards the middle. There's pus.
posted by codacorolla at 3:04 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

The coy refusal to repeat medical terminology is stylistically apt but just WTF happened to his dick? Some kind of hydraulic rupture? It's not like there are any bones in there to actually break.

Penises definitely break. Here is an article about it (including the compelling sentence: "We had this patient who suffered penile fracture after running across the room and trying to penetrate his wife with a flying leap."); wikipedia.

I knew a girl who broke a guy's penis; she was both very guilt-stricken and almost proud. One time a girl almost broke mine, but luckily all it did was bend and hurt, rather than actually get damaged -- it was a very scary moment, though, and killed the mood totally.
posted by Forktine at 3:07 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

For the truly brave, a google image search for "penile fracture" will prove that a picture is worth any thousands of words. Be forewarned, though: you can't unsee what has been seen.
posted by Forktine at 3:09 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Flagged as WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHERGRMFUUUUUUUUUUUUUOWOWOWOWOW.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:15 PM on March 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

There's a part in the piece, which I won't link, which apparently caused his friend to pass out upon hearing it.
posted by lazaruslong at 3:20 PM on March 10, 2012

For the truly brave, a google image search for "penile fracture" will prove that a picture is worth any thousands of words. Be forewarned, though: you can't unsee what has been seen.

I thought, "Oh, I'm a lady, this fractured penis stuff won't be a big deal for me."

Incorrect.
posted by something something at 3:20 PM on March 10, 2012 [6 favorites]

I've known people who, for instance, had just started dating someone when they got in a terrible car accident, or had a parent die, or something like that. Suddenly the terms of the relationship change. Any decent person wouldn't leave someone right after their mom died, right? Or right after they lost a leg? But – if you just started dating that person, and you realize pretty quickly that they're not really a person you want to be dating in the long term, what then? You suddenly have this awkward conflict between what you perceive is the decent thing to do and what you think is probably best for you.

My mom and dad were in law school in Tennessee and had been dating for three months when both my dad's parents were killed and his sister put into a coma because of a car crash caused by a drunk driver in Southern Illinois. (My mom had met them once, the weekend before the accident.)

I've talked with my mom a lot about this—she dealt with exactly that conflict. She has told me that she thought about it long and hard and that there were only two options that were fair to all concerned: either go all in, and let your partner know that you're in it for the long haul, or leave quickly and as gracefully as you can muster. She went all in, and they were engaged two months after the accident.

Incidentally, the accident has been weighing very heavily on my family this year, moreso than others. First, we are always most aware of it around the anniversary, February 15, and secondly, the church from which my grandparents were buried (and where many of the life events of my extended family occurred) was destroyed in a tornado two weeks after the anniversary this year. Yet another link to the grandparents I never knew is gone. Of course, if my mother hadn't decided to stay with my dad through his traumatic experience, I wouldn't be here to mourn, so.
posted by ocherdraco at 3:20 PM on March 10, 2012 [12 favorites]

"I knew a girl who broke a guy's penis; she was both very guilt-stricken and almost proud. One time a girl almost broke mine, but luckily all it did was bend and hurt, rather than actually get damaged -- it was a very scary moment, though, and killed the mood totally."

My experience has been that women don't seem to be very aware of the potential for this. I, too, have had a number of painful incidents. But I think that part of it is that there's quite a bit of variation in men's erect penises in terms of size, hardness, and the flexibility with regard to that anchoring tendon.

The risk for an incident like this does seem to be much higher during woman-on-top intercourse. The penis slips out and the partner's weight comes down on its tip, bending the shaft. And it's much more likely during the most intense and energetic portion.

I had a sense that the story was heading toward Jaci breaking up with him. Having her be so great during the emergency and aftermath drew him much closer to her, and probably she was drawn closer to him, as well, but I think she freaked out at the sudden intense intimacy.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 3:27 PM on March 10, 2012

I thought, "Oh, I'm a lady, this fractured penis stuff won't be a big deal for me."

Okay, I had to do a Google image search (I'm male)...

Ehh. Bad, but not the worst thing I've seen on the internet. I'm not sure what that says about me as a person.
posted by sbutler at 3:28 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

If only this said Henry instead of Jeff.
posted by Fizz at 3:29 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Now you've given me, given me, nothing but shattered peen, shattered peen...
posted by dr_dank at 3:29 PM on March 10, 2012 [6 favorites]

Interesting article. Of course, my curiosity got the better of me. The pictures I saw weren't any more awful than any other image of a body part that was having surgery performed on it. If that sort of thing freaks you out, then don't look, but it's no worse than someone having their tonsils out.
posted by Solomon at 3:39 PM on March 10, 2012

When I was four I ran my tricycle into a parked car, gashed my chin open. Guess who sewed it up? Yes, Dr. Chin.

I have a friend who was circumsized by a Dr. Cox.
posted by whyareyouatriangle at 3:50 PM on March 10, 2012

OW.
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 3:50 PM on March 10, 2012

Brandon Blatcher: "You read the whole thing?

*Shrugs* It wasn't that long and it passed the time."

It's average, damn it! And I wanted to play videogames anyway.
posted by Splunge at 4:02 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Here in New Zealand, reports of a rogue male nudist at Peka Peka beach are being dealt with by police sergeant Bigwood. Really.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 4:02 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

When I was a teenager, I was sent to a psychiatrist: Dr. Fallick
posted by kamikazegopher at 4:06 PM on March 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

Been there - read that. My path was The pain, when will it end -> google link to the Matt obit on Breitbart -> link off of Rolling Stone.
posted by rough ashlar at 4:06 PM on March 10, 2012

I really didn't expect this to be such an interesting piece. It started out as an excuse for really awesome puerile humor, created a context where two people who were just screwing around had to get all serious, went with it, and then collapsed into wistfulness -- the sheer opposite of what was expected.

Yeah, just beautiful writing, in the least expected way possible.
posted by effugas at 4:36 PM on March 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

There he is: living in a punk art collective, hip, modern, alternative ... sticking it to small town America or the man or whatever ... and he can't tell them that he broke his penis? He has to make up a bullshit story?
(Maybe it was to avoid embarrasment for his girlfriend... and why did his mom know part of the medical explanation for the bullshit story right off the bat? In the middle of the night? That does not sound like the upbringing where broken penises should be avoided during dinner conversation.)
posted by mmkhd at 4:37 PM on March 10, 2012

Metafilter: It started off painfully explicit and ended up sort of depressing.
posted by randomkeystrike at 4:39 PM on March 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

First, we are always most aware of it around the anniversary, February 15

Happy Lupercalia. Also my birthday.
posted by localroger at 4:40 PM on March 10, 2012

Suddenly the terms of the relationship change. Any decent person wouldn't leave someone right after their mom died, right?

On the evening of our first date, I brought my now wife home to the place she was staying, only to find out that her mom had died. I took her to the airport that night and bought her a ticket to Quebec. That sort of worked out for us - having a semi-long distance relationship for a few months wasn't a bad thing. And no broken penises yet, thank Crom!
posted by sneebler at 4:40 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I for one can't blame Jaci for wanting to, uh...

make a clean break.
posted by randomkeystrike at 4:40 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I heard of a guy 'breaking his penis' while entering a hot tub. Slipping and landing badly.

I read this article, funny how even a broken penis ends up being a facebook-2nd life sort of story in the end.

Also..he was very calm about baby eggplant appearances, possible non-functionality, and gangrene. Christ. And I'm female!
posted by bquarters at 4:41 PM on March 10, 2012

Okay, so after some unpleasant link following I get that it's basically a hydraulic rupture of what I understand (ignoring all the latin nonsense) to be the tough outer wall of the penis which forms its shape when it's inflated by blood pressure.

I was unaware that this sort of injury was possible and I'm not sure I'm glad I now know that it is.

I'm off to tell my wife I have a headache and fap to Betty Page pics. Very carefully.
posted by localroger at 4:49 PM on March 10, 2012

I thought this was going to be about the guy from Three Dog Night.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:56 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

I laughed pretty hard when I got to the end of the comments here and saw the related posts.
posted by Drumhellz at 4:59 PM on March 10, 2012

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Loved his dry wit about an event that would send a lot of men over the edge. I'm bummed it didn't work out for he & Jaci, but hey, circumstances.

I wanna give Jaci a hug. And I have a hunch Mike would've liked to have been involved in "rehab" but that's probably just me being a perv.
posted by wallabear at 5:03 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

There he is: living in a punk art collective, hip, modern, alternative ... sticking it to small town America or the man or whatever ... and he can't tell them that he broke his penis? He has to make up a bullshit story?

You never know how truly alt you are until you break your dingdong.
posted by codacorolla at 5:44 PM on March 10, 2012 [5 favorites]

I just checked, and it looks like Dr. Fear is still practicing oral surgery in the town where I grew up. (Now updated for the 21st century with a webpage entitled Meet Dr. Fear!)
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:47 PM on March 10, 2012

It's not like there are any bones in there to actually break.

Humans are lucky in that regard. Most other mammals? Not so much.
posted by radwolf76 at 5:52 PM on March 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

The only part that turned my stomach was the mention of getting a bj at 11 days post injury. Which according to his entry form two days later meant he still had stitches in and wasn't even close to healed.

Also, it's not until two weeks later that his lack of function inspires him to "get creative" in the bedroom, if you can classify "the shocker" as creative.
posted by billyfleetwood at 6:21 PM on March 10, 2012

Not sure what it was, but I found his style of narrative to be oddly encapsulating.
posted by Evernix at 6:23 PM on March 10, 2012

The urologist that did the vasectomies at the Army hospital I worked at was named Dr. Buck.
posted by HuronBob at 6:24 PM on March 10, 2012

No. No no no. No.
posted by Flunkie at 6:29 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

*Shrugs* It wasn't that long and it passed the time."

I want to make a joke out of that, but I can't think of one. Maybe somebody else can.

That's what she said?
posted by scalefree at 6:53 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

The google image search was not so bad. It does confirm the "baby eggplant" metaphor.
posted by Tesseractive at 6:59 PM on March 10, 2012

My mother has worked for:

Dr. Pie - OB/GYN
Dr. Casanova - OB/GYN

Her dentist was Dr. Root.
posted by jopreacher at 7:09 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Dr. Dick Chopp did my vasectomy.
posted by tippiedog at 7:18 PM on March 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: Bad, but not the worst thing I've seen on the internet. I'm not sure what that says about me as a person.
posted by 445supermag at 7:21 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Holy crap that urology team has Dr. Dick Chopp, Dr. Stephen Hardeman, *and* Dr. Lester Wang in it.
posted by billybunny at 7:41 PM on March 10, 2012 [6 favorites]

Yeah, my walk-in clinic visit for a testicular issue back when I lived in CT? Dr. Dick Hanwacker was on it.

(Yes, he does go by Dick)
posted by rollbiz at 8:42 PM on March 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Holy crap that urology team has Dr. Dick Chopp, Dr. Stephen Hardeman, *and* Dr. Lester Wang in it.

There is no way that the presence of Dr Hardeman makes up for Drs Les Wang and Dick Chopp.
posted by Forktine at 9:42 PM on March 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

I hear this injury is very common in large animal breeding.
posted by moonbiter at 9:56 PM on March 10, 2012

My doctor is called Dr Hope. I expect he's more popular because of that than he necessarily deserves to be.
posted by lollusc at 10:01 PM on March 10, 2012

nope.
posted by sourwookie at 11:42 PM on March 10, 2012

Now you've given me, given me, nothing but shattered peen, shattered peen...

I wish that I could turn back the cock...
posted by Talkie Toaster at 1:59 AM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Dr. Dick Chopp did my vasectomy.

There is no way a guy with a look on his face like that is going anywhere near my nutsack, much less a name like that.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:35 AM on March 11, 2012

This is why I always wear a wrist guard.
posted by orme at 7:26 AM on March 11, 2012

These doctor names are killing me. My offering: I had a friend whose gynecologist was Dr. Beevers.
posted by norm at 8:13 AM on March 11, 2012

I hear this injury is very common in large animal breeding.

I bet there's some biophysics-y explanation of this. Like how larger animals are better at retaining heat but more vulnerable to injuries if they fall out of a tree. Something about body weight being proportional to r³ and shear wiener strength only being proportional to r².

"Consider a spherical cow with a cylindrical wang...."
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:47 AM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Consider a spherical cow with a cylindrical wang...."

I think I accidentally found that on FurAffinity one time. Was supressing the memory of it until just now.

And before someone says "You mean steer, not cow," you've never browsed the artwork on FurAffinity.
posted by radwolf76 at 12:40 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Here are the author's web site and his Twitter in case anyone wants to invite him to Metafilter.
posted by MegoSteve at 3:10 PM on March 11, 2012

Here's two words in favour of condoms for more than just contraception:
Frenulum Tear.


Lots, and lots of blood, and still horribly disturbing inside a condom, but it could have been much, much worse...
posted by Elysum at 6:34 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

koeselitz: "I kind of agree with Brandon that Jaci in the story wasn't so bad. It's a tough thing. It's not just with broken penises, either; I've known people who, for instance, had just started dating someone when they got in a terrible car accident, or had a parent die, or something like that.

Suddenly the terms of the relationship change. Any decent person wouldn't leave someone right after their mom died, right? Or right after they lost a leg? But – if you just started dating that person, and you realize pretty quickly that they're not really a person you want to be dating in the long term, what then? You suddenly have this awkward conflict between what you perceive is the decent thing to do and what you think is probably best for you."

This is a major theme in the recent movie 50/50, which was loosely fact-based. (It's pretty decent, fwiw).
posted by Chrysostom at 11:04 AM on April 4, 2012