This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For

January 11, 2013 6:21 PM

US citizens petitioned the White House to "secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016" (previously). The White House (or, more specifically, Paul Shawcross, Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget) responded.
posted by capricorn (62 comments total)

It was, actually, exactly the petition response I was looking for.
posted by capricorn at 6:22 PM on January 11, 2013 [75 favorites]

You rock, good sir.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:23 PM on January 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Well played, Shawcross. You have earned redemption.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:24 PM on January 11, 2013

It was, actually, exactly the petition response I was looking for.

This, to the word, is what I was going to write.
posted by OmieWise at 6:27 PM on January 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

What about a Star Destroyer?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:28 PM on January 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

I love this response!
posted by young sister beacon at 6:31 PM on January 11, 2013

And now you see why good will triumph over evil. Because evil... Has no sense of humor.
posted by envygreen at 6:33 PM on January 11, 2013 [13 favorites]

Fuckin' great response!
posted by ReeMonster at 6:35 PM on January 11, 2013

Sometimes it seems like we're doing nothing because we don't yet have Burger Kings on Mars but there really are some exciting things going on in space right now. This guy sums it up nicely.

And whoever came up with C3po should be given, like, a plaque or something. That's pretty goddamn awesome.
posted by bondcliff at 6:39 PM on January 11, 2013 [7 favorites]

OK, that's just awesome!
posted by msbubbaclees at 6:42 PM on January 11, 2013

Bondcliff... you should volunteer to make them one for a fraction of the price... If I recall, yours turned out nicely. With just a minimal amount of government funds, you could have had a fully functional deathstar!
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:42 PM on January 11, 2013

Perhaps a bi-partisan Senate committee, consisting of 2 Republicans and 2 Democrats could be set up to review the petition.

May I suggest calling it R2-D2?
posted by ShutterBun at 6:44 PM on January 11, 2013 [61 favorites]

While I appreciate this response, what really sealed it for me was the Administration's insistence that many Bothans die in order to bring it to us.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:48 PM on January 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Bondcliff... you should volunteer to make them one for a fraction of the price...

Dear Askme... I have some extra painters tape and glow sticks. How do I apply for a government grant?
posted by bondcliff at 6:51 PM on January 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

+1
posted by Glinn at 6:51 PM on January 11, 2013

Perhaps a bi-partisan Senate committee, consisting of 2 Republicans and 2 Democrats could be set up to review the petition.

Oh god damn it, Bernie Sanders is on the committee!
posted by munchingzombie at 6:54 PM on January 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Pretty much all these stunt petitions are really like: hey whitehouse say something funny.
posted by 2bucksplus at 6:59 PM on January 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

At least we finally took down that terrorist mastermind Obi-Wan Kenobi.
posted by Rhaomi at 7:00 PM on January 11, 2013 [4 favorites]

And whoever came up with C3PO should be given, like, a plaque or something a case of beer.

What a great response. Mmmmm! Delicious beer!
posted by Pudhoho at 7:04 PM on January 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Reagan woulda done it.
posted by miyabo at 7:18 PM on January 11, 2013 [6 favorites]

Disappointed to find out the Administration does not support blowing up planets.
posted by bleep at 7:28 PM on January 11, 2013

They were okay with bombing the moon.
posted by gingerbeer at 7:46 PM on January 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

If this isn't enough to guarantee the G.O.P. doesn't win the White House (without major changes to ideology and attitude) in my lifetime, I don't know what is.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:46 PM on January 11, 2013

I keep telling you people: we're going to miss Obama when he's gone.

Man, that C3PO link...it's like someone built a DVD Easter egg into the bureaucracy.
posted by dry white toast at 7:53 PM on January 11, 2013 [10 favorites]

Obama launches a Marshmallow Cannon. Because, you know, why not?
posted by crossoverman at 7:56 PM on January 11, 2013 [4 favorites]

Because one hates science and is a joyless prole, that's why not.

Or, alternatively/additionally, one could be Fox News.
posted by JHarris at 8:03 PM on January 11, 2013

Man, it must be fun to work in the Obama administration. Well played.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:06 PM on January 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

That was stellar!
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 8:07 PM on January 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

I swear, the first time I read it I thought it said: "We don't have a Death Star, but we do have floating robot assassins".
posted by ceribus peribus at 8:20 PM on January 11, 2013 [6 favorites]

Some people say that Death Stars are dangerous, pointing to their ability to wipe out entire planetary civilizations, but we here at the NRA believe that there are no bad Death Stars, only bad Death Star users, and that the best way to combat the threat of Death Stars is to make sure that every competent citizen everywhere has his own Death Star.

What could go wrong with that?
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:34 PM on January 11, 2013 [22 favorites]

This petition should be aimed at the Legislative, not the Executive Branch. How in the bejeebus is the POTUS supposed to build a Death Star without an $850,000,000,000,000,000 appropriation from Congress? I mean, I suppose the Executive Branch could "secure the resources and funding" from the private sector but then it would have to be the Arby's Death Star or the Coca-Cola Death Star which means we'd have to put a hat on it or paint it red, which just undermines the whole intimidation effect. The Stormtroopers would have to plaster corporate logos on their helmets, like NASCAR.
Separation of Powers, people. It's not just a good idea, it's the Constitution.
posted by Dr. Zira at 8:39 PM on January 11, 2013 [4 favorites]

laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.
posted by anewnadir at 8:49 PM on January 11, 2013

Love this, the best thing I have seen today.
posted by annsunny at 9:31 PM on January 11, 2013

Typical government LIES. We all KNOW that Timothy Geithner could mint a $850,000,000,000,000,000 coin out of KAIBURR CRYSTAL.

Wake up, DROIDS
posted by graphnerd at 9:45 PM on January 11, 2013 [8 favorites]

What could go wrong with that?

I find your lack of faith disturbing.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 10:05 PM on January 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.
posted by anewnadir at 8:49 PM on January 11

Ironysterical.
posted by w00bliette at 10:06 PM on January 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Yea....like they are going to admit that they are building one....or already have one that is operational
posted by asra at 10:06 PM on January 11, 2013

It's ok if Obama doesn't do this because Canadian University Press (student newswire cooperative) passed a motion to collect dues to build a Death Star ages ago. So no worries student media will protect you.
posted by chapps at 10:46 PM on January 11, 2013

The Administration does not support blowing up planets.

Somewhere in Alabama, a group of people are interpreting this as being 'soft on immigration'.
posted by quarsan at 11:50 PM on January 11, 2013 [16 favorites]

OTOH, maybe the grownups seem funny because we are old. Like, this is hilarious to me, but maybe the laaaaaaame comment came from the only young one here.

I mean, I am old, but you are all honorary me.
posted by angrycat at 3:20 AM on January 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

I like that the response says that hey, but we're building quadruped walkers! I seem to remember these were used by the bad guys and that video is frightening even without that connection to the Imperial fleet.
posted by ersatz at 3:56 AM on January 12, 2013

Death Stars don't kill civilizations. Civilizations kill civilizations.
posted by Thorzdad at 3:59 AM on January 12, 2013 [6 favorites]

Official White House Response to Peacefully grant the State of Louisiana to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government. and 8 other petitions

Our States Remain United
posted by radwolf76 at 4:16 AM on January 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

This would be a lot funnier if (a) the US administration did not, in fact, blow people up from a great distance using incredibly advanced technology; and (b) if they were open about their views on real things that actually exist, e.g., their legal advice that allegedly says that the US President can order people executed by administrative fiat. Instead they have gone to incredible attempts to conceal something that anyone outside the Administration would think is the sort of thing that ought to be public information.
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:56 AM on January 12, 2013 [5 favorites]

Considering the skin cancer rates on this planet, I'd say we already had a death star.

*lowers blinds*
posted by orme at 5:54 AM on January 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

Obama to gawky white kid: "Is [your air cannon] fully operational?"

GWK: "If you fools only knew."
posted by Drexen at 6:27 AM on January 12, 2013

"...Even though the United States doesn't have anything that can do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, we've got..."

Hang on a minute, the new science editor is on the other line....
posted by mule98J at 7:04 AM on January 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

This would be a lot funnier if (a) the US administration did not, in fact, blow people up from a great distance using incredibly advanced technology;

Nah, it's still clever and hilarious. We need more folks in government with a sense of humor, and who understand what an appropriate response to absurdity should be. Less fearmongering, more humor.

I especially appreciated the way he went out of his way to encourage people to explore science education options and fields.
posted by zarq at 7:35 AM on January 12, 2013 [3 favorites]

angrycat: OTOH, maybe the grownups seem funny because we are old. Like, this is hilarious to me, but maybe the laaaaaaame comment came from the only young one here.

I think he was saying it was 'laaaaaaaaame' that they declined to build a Death Star? Maybe?
posted by capricorn at 8:01 AM on January 12, 2013

Good response; I'm always glad to see them responding in a fun way to stuff like this.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:05 AM on January 12, 2013

Official White House Response to Peacefully grant the State of Louisiana to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government. and 8 other petitions

Hmm...I wonder what the other states are. Let's see: North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, Florida, and Texas. Hey! Those are all Confederate states! What a coincidence!

Kind of makes it hard to sympathize when most of those states whine about the Civil Rights Act being "stuck in a Jim Crow-era time warp."
posted by kirkaracha at 8:55 AM on January 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

The secession petition response was very gracious. It reminds me of reading Beggars in Spain by Nancy Kress, where the wealthy Sleepless folks have moved to their own orbital and want to secede from America, and Leisha the lawyer writes up a long document that basically says, "Nobody is allowed out of here, ever, under any circumstances now."

Though some days, well, I wonder if that's working out so well.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:07 AM on January 12, 2013

What do you expect from Barack HUSSEIN Obama? Typical """Community Organizer"""

/sarcasm, of course. It saddens me to have to point this out.
posted by CarlRossi at 9:10 AM on January 12, 2013

Louisiana...

North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, Florida, and Texas.

It was also the response to the petition to deport the signers of those other petitions, which I think was a nice touch.
posted by radwolf76 at 9:25 AM on January 12, 2013

This really brightened my morning.
posted by Golden Eternity at 9:44 AM on January 12, 2013

There are a lot of dumb petitions on there ("Recount the Election" with 68,000 signatures), but also some that seem pretty sensible, like recognizing pharmacists as health care providers for medicare purposes (30,079 signatures), making taxpayer-funded research printed in scientific journals free over the internet (52,306 signatures) and "Support Mandatory Labeling of GMO Foods" (60,324 signatures). I also see five separate petitions asking to recognize the WBC as a hate group with over half a million signatures total and at least three related to Dianne Feinstein with the general theme of, as one states - BAN DIANNE FEINSTEIN.
posted by young sister beacon at 9:52 AM on January 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, Florida, and Texas

What?

I'm all in favor of letting Texas go! Except for Austin. Maybe not Austin.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:09 PM on January 12, 2013

This administration really knows how to speak to me -- in the binary language of moisture vaporators. (I used to program binary load lifters, which is practically the same thing.)
posted by Guy Smiley at 5:34 PM on January 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

Man, that's like...the most perfect response possible to that petition.
posted by dcrewi at 8:33 PM on January 12, 2013

Would you care for some complimentary fresh-baked bread with you artisanal circus?
posted by blue_beetle at 12:25 PM on January 13, 2013

Whatevs, Guy Smiley, you're just looking for an excuse to head over to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters.
posted by Dr. Zira at 6:00 PM on January 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT -- The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet.
posted by radwolf76 at 5:18 PM on January 15, 2013