"Keystone is worse than Heineken and murder."

July 3, 2013 9:07 AM

Just in time for your 4th of July party shopping: 36 Cheap American Beers, Ranked
posted by Area Man (353 comments total)

I read this earlier, and this man is a moron, without a question. He puts beast heavy at the middle of the list, and puts a bunch of pretty respectable regional beers that DON'T taste like rusty nails and stale bread beneath it.
posted by codacorolla at 9:09 AM on July 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

Yuengling and Rolling Rock should both be top ten. This whole list is a farce.
posted by 2bucksplus at 9:10 AM on July 3, 2013 [13 favorites]

Brooklyn Brewery isn't a cheap beer?
posted by The Whelk at 9:11 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Brooklyn Brewery is $1-2 out of the cheap beer range in my experience.
posted by 2bucksplus at 9:12 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

man this guy's cheap beer opinions are wrong as hell and i'm now intensely disturbed that i have strong opinions about alcohol-style corn fluid
posted by beefetish at 9:13 AM on July 3, 2013 [21 favorites]

High Life at 31 is a travesty of justice.
posted by nathancaswell at 9:13 AM on July 3, 2013 [13 favorites]

This list seems to exist only to promote outraged comments, yet somehow I can't keep myself from also being outraged. Yuengling is way too low, as is Natty Boh. There's no Old Style on the list at all, which is a shame because it's pretty bad in its own fun way. My wife is from Rhode Island so I appreciate the particular regional charm of 'Gansett, but it's actually not very good. He thinks Coors is the third best cheap beer? The only explanation for that he's seen Smokey and the Bandit, but never actually drunk the beer. Terrible, terrible list.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:13 AM on July 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

Senator, I know Old Milwaukee. Old Milwaukee is a friend of mine. But there is no way on God's green Earth that Old Milwaukee is a better beer than Yuengling.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:13 AM on July 3, 2013 [20 favorites]

I would sign that letter, too.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:14 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Not reading any further since Bud Light Lime should be #2-30 (national bohemian is #1)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:14 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I hate Yuengling so much. It always tastes [and smells] skunked. And I've had a lot of it, because availability.
posted by ego at 9:16 AM on July 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

I got so mad at this list that I very nearly signed up to comment, which is pretty darn mad.
posted by codacorolla at 9:16 AM on July 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

And another thing -- I've drunk far too much Blue Ribbon in my life to ever really claim that I don't *like* Blue Ribbon, but -- top five? Really? Really. Really? Srsly -- really?
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:16 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Coors at #3 is fine but Coors light should be off this list and banned from competition for not being even beer.

Other than that fuck it I just love cheap beer! Yay Amarica!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:16 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

He got #1 and #36 right. Keystone is not really fit for human consumption and should only be used to kill slugs and Grainbelt is pretty darn good, dontcha know.
posted by Area Man at 9:18 AM on July 3, 2013

My random thoughts...

Ah, sorry, but you're dead wrong on Rolling Rock.

Just on percentages, the top one should be from Wisconsin.

If they ever remove Old Style from Wrigley Field, there should be riots bigger than in Cairo.

I wish that Hamm's was still in the running.

I admit it, you all have me intrigued by this Grain Belt

cheap ass Mexican beers that landscapers drink should be in the running. I'd prefer a Tecate over half this shit, any day
posted by C.A.S. at 9:18 AM on July 3, 2013 [10 favorites]

And another thing -- I've drunk far too much Blue Ribbon in my life to ever really claim that I don't *like* Blue Ribbon, but -- top five? Really? Really. Really? Srsly -- really?

And his praise for it is basically "it doesn't taste like pee."
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:19 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Brooklyn's in the same range as Fat Tire and Session and that's the list which is pertinent to me. All I will say about this one is that when the moment is right, nothing on earth is better than a Natty Boh.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:20 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Everyone post the real top 5. Mine is
1. Natty Bo
2. Bud lite lime
3. Bud heavy
4. Hi Life
5. Lone Star

the 5 Worst:

Iron City, Natty Lite, Beast, Gennesee, Coors Light
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:21 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Totally agree with nathancaswell above, how dare they rank High Life where they did. I scrolled down quickly to see if it was #1 or #2, and there it is at #31. Between this and Deadspin's unreasonable hatred of anything Bill Simmons does, I think they need to go away now.

An Miller Lite at #6?

This is just another internet list for the sake of making a list and gathering clickyclicks.
posted by mcstayinskool at 9:21 AM on July 3, 2013

How they didn't add Walgreens' Big Flats beer as number 36 is far beyond me.
posted by pipian at 9:21 AM on July 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish: "And another thing -- I've drunk far too much Blue Ribbon in my life to ever really claim that I don't *like* Blue Ribbon, but -- top five? Really? Really. Really? Srsly -- really?

And his praise for it is basically "it doesn't taste like pee.""

To be fair, a large portion of that list does taste like pee.

And many of those that don't taste like watered-down pee.

(I couldn't enjoy the way the word 'pee' looks more.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:21 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Friends:

Yuengling 15 years ago was beer made from grain harvested from Elysium. Everyone knows this.

But if you've only had Yuengling in the last 5 years, you might have an experience like ego's: what's the big deal about this beer?

And the truth, to me, is three fold:
1) sometimes it's just as good as it was before Yuengling was bought out, and you're like, "holy cow this beer is seriously amazing, and yet so crazy cheap. I feel party to an incredible secret"
2) often, it's alright, and nostalgia for when it's good pulls you through
3) but it's also often just not that good anymore, and then you think to yourself that it's a bad batch, and you reach for another can/case, hoping that you'll get a good one and go back to #1 for a little while.
posted by Poppa Bear at 9:22 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Coors light should be off this list and banned from competition for not being even beer.

Yeah, I don't get that at all (I'm not sold on the idea of including light beers). His taste buds are far different from mine, but I would also make "State of Tongue the Next Day" an important metric. He clearly doesn't given how high PBR is. We did a fair bit of research into this topic in college and I would say he's unduly harsh on Stroh's and Old Milwaukee in bar bottles is palatable. Do they still make Piel's? Because that sucked.
posted by yerfatma at 9:22 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Folks, I am going to give you a secret tip that makes almost any lightweight cheap beer suddenly better:

8-12 drops of Angostura per can.

No lie.

Try it with your next hipster PBR, then thank me.
posted by aramaic at 9:22 AM on July 3, 2013 [14 favorites]

Schlitz and Genny Screamers should both be ranked higher.
posted by jonmc at 9:22 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Grainbelt is pretty darn good, dontcha know.

I don't remember it from living in Wisconisn, we always drank Leines, which should definitely be on here near the top.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:22 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Nah, Miller bought Leinenkugel's years ago and it suffered. Grain Belt now holds the spot Leinie's once used to.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:23 AM on July 3, 2013

Bud Light Lime is supposed to be bad? Because it's (and the Miller equivalent, which is only $4.99 for a six pack) just about the only beer I can actually force myself to drink because it's not nearly as unbearably bitter as other beer. It's not good, but it's tolerable, which is more than I can say for something like Coors Light or Sapporo or Corona.

I just buy hard cider when I can afford it, anyway. That Angry Orchard is pretty decent, but man, that Stella Artois "Cidre" is not good, and definitely not worth $10 for 4 bottles. But this isn't cider talk.
posted by Redfield at 9:23 AM on July 3, 2013

This is forcing me to realize I have no idea what beer is supposed to cost.
posted by The Whelk at 9:24 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

How they didn't add Walgreens' Big Flats beer as number 36 is far beyond me.

Before she got moved to a new, beer-free store, my wife had to sell Big Flats to people. Oh, how we laughed.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:24 AM on July 3, 2013

If you think this list was designed to spark outrage, you should have seen the time they ranked Fla-Vor-Ice flavors.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:25 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Apple is doomed!

Oh, sorry. Wrong thread. Same page view whoring though.
posted by cjorgensen at 9:25 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Figures that you would post this, Area Man.

PREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
posted by sparklemotion at 9:25 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

I have to say I'm suprised at the lack of mexican beers. A cold modelo especial with some lime is hard to beat.
posted by Teakettle at 9:25 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Living in St. Louis, I know a number of people who work for Anheuser-Busch, and apparently even Anheuser-Busch is of the opinion that Bud Light Lime is fucking nasty because they supply their employees with endless cases of it that those employees then try to foist off onto their friends. I almost never say no to free booze of any stripe, but I just can't allow that stuff to enter my house.
posted by invitapriore at 9:25 AM on July 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

If this guy rated starburst flavors he'd put pink last.
posted by 2bucksplus at 9:26 AM on July 3, 2013 [8 favorites]

PBR tastes like sawdust. I actually like Natty Bo from a bottle, though I'm from Maryland. Really enjoyed that reductive, disdainful description of Baltimore, though, guy.
posted by spaltavian at 9:27 AM on July 3, 2013

Yuengling is in my fridge right now. It's my cheap-beer-of-choice and I think it's better than some of the stuff ranked higher than it, but to be fair, I am a Pennsylvanian and probably don't know any better. Heck, I also think Rolling Rock is a palatable beer. Piels was crappy back when I drank it in college and Milwaukee's Best (Beast) was what we drank in high school. Maybe it's better chilled...
posted by which_chick at 9:27 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

I have to say I'm suprised at the lack of mexican beers. A cold modelo especial with some lime is hard to beat.

It's cheap American beer for the Fourth of July. You're starting to sound like the kind of communist who buys the Budweiser that's not even in the flag cans.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:27 AM on July 3, 2013 [12 favorites]

His first mistake was including Bud Light Lime but not Budweiser & Clamato Chelada. A more repulsive beverage is difficult to imagine.

His second mistake was not ranking Coors Light dead last. I drank a ton of that crap in high school and didn't realize until I hit college that it was basically a sweeter Bud Light, for those of you that want liver failure and diabeetus simultaneously.

Though not strictly "American", Corona should be on this list. The best thing that's ever happened to me drinking Corona was heartburn from too much lime juice.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 9:27 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Grain Belt is in its rightful place. The rest can go in any order they like. I don't drink anymore and never drank too much beer, but man I could drink some Grain Belt any time any place. If I were a beer snob I'd say something about it being the perfect pairing for a fried walleye sandwich lakeside on a July evening.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 9:28 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Genny Cream Ale, beer of my youth, probably deserves to be so low. But I'm still annoyed, because his description is so wrong. It's not "the archetypal stale cardboard crud-juice." The charm of Genny Cream Ale is that it always tastes like the can has been sitting in someone's basement since last summer. The beer, no matter how cold, tastes room temperature. The can, no matter how clean, tastes dusty. It's like McDonald's fries, formulated to taste exactly the same every single time. Warm and dusty.

A great cheap American beer is Private Stock (...with the imported taste). But then the corner liquor store went under new ownership and stopped carrying it. I haven't seen it anywhere else and I miss the imported taste.
posted by troika at 9:28 AM on July 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

Here is the entirety of the ice pop list:

1) Green

2) Red

3) Orange

4) Purple

5) Pink

6) Being hit by a car

7) Blue
posted by Rock Steady at 9:28 AM on July 3, 2013 [26 favorites]

And his praise for it is basically "it doesn't taste like pee."

For cheap American beer (and a lot of the low end Canadian stuff, too), this is an accomplishment.

I mostly agree with the placement of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Ranier, and Olympia based on my limited experience drinking cheap beer in the US. He's wrong on High Life, though. The one Miller product I can actually finish a bottle of without grimacing.

2. Bud lite lime

No. This stuff is basically shitty 7-Up with a tiny bit of alcohol in it. It's not even beer. It doesn't taste like beer. It belongs nowhere near a list of beers, even bad ones.
posted by Hoopo at 9:29 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Will Gordon, man, what happened? You used to be cool and funny, and now ... now, this.

Besides, I conducted a (no-kidding) double-blind cheap-beer tasting a couple of years ago, and Schaefer came out on top by a huge, surprising margin.

Plus it's $7 or under for a 12-pack.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:29 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Prices being equal, I'd go with

5. PBR
4. High Life
3. Bud Lite
2. Yuengling
1. Natty Boh

I really like a bunch of other stuff which is technically cheap beer (Modelo, Sol, Corona, Red Stripe, Sappora) but often isn't cheap because it's "imported" and isn't American, aside.
posted by codacorolla at 9:29 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Where is America's Finest Imitation Canadian Beer, Black Label?

This list is fascist attempt at silencing my pseudo-Canadian preferences.

Other than that, why does anyone past college waste time trying to figure out what the best of the worst is? Oh, right. Internet.

And I live in MN, so obligatory, "Woo! Premo!"
posted by bafflegab at 9:30 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Beer, like chocolate, tea, and family relations, should be bitter.
posted by The Whelk at 9:30 AM on July 3, 2013 [21 favorites]

Piels! Crappy beer in fantastic bottles. I have several cases of Piels bottles, in their original cardboard boxes, that I've used in home brewing for over 20 years now. I guess the logic was that anyone who is cheap enough to drink Piels is cheap enough to return the bottles for deposit or something, but, man, those are some fine, fine bottles, thick and heavy and bulletproof.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:30 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I have to admit that I kind of like Genessee Cream Ale, but that may have something to do with it being the beer that my dad stocked in his basement in such great amounts that I could always snag a few without him noticing when I stayed there on weekends.
posted by invitapriore at 9:31 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Maybe Micheladas?

Somebody left a half-dozen PBRs in my fridge a few months ago. One went into chili, the rest became awesome Micheladas.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:32 AM on July 3, 2013

I'm a recent convert to the 'Gansett. It's a cheap beer that works.
posted by 1970s Antihero at 9:33 AM on July 3, 2013

Bud Light Lime is supposed to be bad?

Yes.

Because it's (and the Miller equivalent, which is only $4.99 for a six pack) just about the only beer I can actually force myself to drink because it's not nearly as unbearably bitter as other beer

It is possible you simply don't like beer. That is OK.
posted by Hoopo at 9:34 AM on July 3, 2013

Rolling Rock. Smells like three fat guys in a two-man tent.

I disagree because I love me some Rolling Rock (finally available in Canada), but that's a quality diss right there.

PBR is horrible. If you want the ironic cred that bad just drink real beer out of a PBR can. I've also never had a Budweiser product I didn't hate. Must be the rice.
posted by rocket88 at 9:35 AM on July 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

What I've noticed about Yuengling is that their lager produced in the Pennsylvania breweries is noticeably worse than the lager produced in Tampa.

Yuengling is also noticeably better on draft, IMHO.
posted by eriko at 9:35 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Gansett is my favorite cheap American beer, so I'm reasonably happy with this list. Though I agree with troika that Haffenreffer Private Stock is great too, but sadly hard to find.
posted by Kattullus at 9:35 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

My brother drove out to RI from MN in the middle of a continent-spanning blizzard and brought me six Summits and about twenty cans of Surly. Since he was now 1300+ miles from home, I bought the Narragansett "Tall Boy Tasting Flight" in exhange.

(What? Don't judge me. They, uh, weighed about the same.)
posted by wenestvedt at 9:36 AM on July 3, 2013

I love me some Rolling Rock

Yikes. Rolling Rock finished dead last in our cheap beer taste test. Miles and miles behind the next contender. Everybody thought it had gone bad. But, in fact, it just tastes like that.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:36 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I rated Bud Light Lime that high only because 4Loko isn't on here for some reason.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:36 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

For old times' sake I picked up a sixer of Schaefer the other day. After drinking one I remembered why it had been 20+ years since I'd last done so.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:37 AM on July 3, 2013

I buy Pabst when I'm out because it's cheap and better than Busch Lite. I've sort of taken a liking to the taste. My prison is my shame.
posted by dismas at 9:37 AM on July 3, 2013

I'm a recent convert to the 'Gansett. It's a cheap beer that works.

Is that "Works every time!" as in Lando Calrissian-era Colt .45 ads?
posted by wenestvedt at 9:38 AM on July 3, 2013

Schlitz is also acceptable if you have a straw.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:38 AM on July 3, 2013

PBR is absolute shit¹. Milwaukee's Best is even worse. And to put Rolling Rock far below EITHER is a fucking hate crime.

I say we burn the heretic.





1. Pretentious idiots who drink beer based on what's "in" deserve the pisswater and eventual alcoholism they get.
posted by grubi at 9:38 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Up top for the Natty Bo. I lived in Baltimore for a summer and grew to love this beer. My heart is soft for Milwaukee's Best. It stood out like a sore thumb in my grandparents' meticulously clean and organized 2nd refrigerator in the utility room, reserved for ice cream and beer only. My grandfather bought it in bulk at the commissary and always had the cans aligned perfectly on the bottom 2 shelves of that refrigerator. However, I take strong exception with ranking PBR (hipster go-juice) over original Budweiser.
posted by PuppyCat at 9:39 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I don't get the PBR hate. The only adjective that comes to mind when I think PBR is "inoffensive". It is mild without being weak, zero aftertaste, not too sweet or bitter...it's actually pretty amazing in it's ability to be completely average in every way.
posted by Hoopo at 9:39 AM on July 3, 2013 [9 favorites]

Rolling Rock has the problem of getting skunked like immediately due to the light colored bottle.

Most of the clear bottle beers do some chemical magic to their hops that keeps them from going insta-skunk but I've only rarely had Rolling Rock that didn't smell and taste horrible.

Unfortunately this problem is starting to extend to other beers that used to be relatively well handled but now that production has stepped up they tend to stay out in convenience store shelves for way too long.
posted by vuron at 9:40 AM on July 3, 2013

It is mild without being weak, zero aftertaste, not too sweet or bitter...it's actually pretty amazing in it's ability to be completely average in every way.

Which makes it water.
posted by grubi at 9:40 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Let's ask the Queers what they think of this list.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:40 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

I don't get the PBR hate. The only adjective that comes to mind when I think PBR is "inoffensive". It is mild without being weak, zero aftertaste, not too sweet or bitter...it's actually pretty amazing in it's ability to be completely average in every way.

Agreed. Is it good? No. Can I get it for $2/can at a douchebag bar with a rooftop that I'm constantly finding myself in for reasons beyond my control? Yes. That's really all I need to know about it.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:41 AM on July 3, 2013 [10 favorites]

Which makes it water.

Better water than piss or sweat.
posted by Area Man at 9:41 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

If you think craft beers are inherently better than cheap beers get the heck into a different thread we talking about trash beer up in here.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:42 AM on July 3, 2013 [13 favorites]

Which makes it water.

No, it makes it a pretty ordinary beer without any particular strengths or weaknesses. As compared to the rest of this list, which is largely disgusting with a few exceptions.
posted by Hoopo at 9:42 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Which makes it water.

Better water than piss or sweat.

But not as good as beer. If I want beer, I don't want piss, sweat, OR water.
posted by grubi at 9:43 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

So do people buy PBR because they can't stand to be where they are at without getting drunk and getting drunk on something decent is cost prohibitive?
posted by vuron at 9:43 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I love how absolutely thought out all of your opinions are, and my only thought is that he doesn't hate Natural Ice and Natural Lite nearly enough.

Incidentally, I like Pabst Blue Ribbon for two reasons. One is that my mom used to sing me to sleep with the Pabst Blue Ribbon song ("What'll you have? Pabst Blue Ribbon! Pabst Blue Ribbon beer!") when I was really little. The other is that when I was in college, my buddy and I used to each kick down a couple of dollars to get a box of Pabst Blue Ribbon and then drink it while we watched "Beverly Hills 90210," which meant that we got really...invested...in the characters by the time "Party of Five" came on an hour later.

"Dude...dude...dude...why is...why is Bailey being so mean...to Sarah? I would be...I would be like...I would be nice to her if she...if she was my girlfriend."
posted by infinitywaltz at 9:43 AM on July 3, 2013 [18 favorites]

Narragansett is... well, not good. The seasonal Narragansetts (Summer Ale is out now) are palatable, and the winter Bock is downright OK, but some places charge for 'em like a premium brand.

Grey Sail cream ale is fantastic, tho, if you're in the mood for a Rhode Island beer. Also sometimes overpriced like the seasonal 'Gansetts, depending on the package store.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:43 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Oh shiiiit someone in the comments there posted Red Dog. That is really really bad craziness. Almost as insane as Steel Reserve.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:44 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

So do people buy PBR because they can't stand to be where they are at without getting drunk and getting drunk on something decent is cost prohibitive?

That and these same people can't do anything un-ironically, it seems.
posted by grubi at 9:44 AM on July 3, 2013

I will admit that I drink the shit out of Bud Light Lime in the summer. I basically treat it like Gatorade. It's not beer, and as far as I can tell, you can't catch a buzz off of it, but it sure is refreshing.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:44 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Oh no Steel Reserve! I get a headache just hearing those words.
posted by invitapriore at 9:45 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Is Rolling Rock actually that cheap? I had no idea.
posted by infinitywaltz at 9:45 AM on July 3, 2013

This man is 100% correct in identifying his personal taste in beer at this time in his particular region.

That said, PBR tastes totally different in California, Milwaukee, and New York City presumably because it's brewed in 3 different breweries with ingredients originating from different regions and seasons. Most of those cheap Macros will taste different depending on where it was brewed, how old it is and what season it is.
posted by j03 at 9:45 AM on July 3, 2013

I IMMEDIATELY REMEMBERED YOU TELLING THIS STORY AND I AM FOR SOME REASON REALLY PROUD OF THAT

Yeah, it's like probably my best story.
posted by infinitywaltz at 9:46 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

This is a bad list.

Yuengling should absolutely be #1. Also High Life is a great cheap beer. He's just a hater.

And Coors at #3? Coors should be like #29. Coors is fucking awful.

Also where is Hamm's!?!?!
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:46 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Me and Potomac Avenue could be friends based on our top two beers.
posted by azarbayejani at 9:46 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I was sad to see that Genny Cream was so loathed - I loved it when I lived upstate, and drank it often and to excess. I miss it.

I think he got PBR just right: cheap "clean, nondescript beer". In my neighborhood you can buy a 12 pack for 7 bucks and cold in a can it is perfect. There is nothing ironic about it.

What was the name of the Boston beer that was still sold in refilled bottle (brown stubbies) as late as the turn of the millenium? They sold it at the Pour House, the Tam, and TC's Lounge, I think. THAT was a good cheap beer.
posted by dirtdirt at 9:46 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Has anyone told the "it's fucking close to water" joke, yet?

No?

Okay, then why is [INSERT YOUR LEAST FAVORITE AMERICAN BEER HERE] like having sex in a canoe?
posted by Curious Artificer at 9:47 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Which makes it water.

And? Given how long it takes the descriptions to go from "this beer tastes less awful than the previous one" to "this has a flavor that could be considered slightly pleasant," water would probably be in the top three on this list.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:47 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Grain Belt comes in clear bottles. Even their fake micro comes in clear fucking bottles. That is fucking bush league. Negra Modelo or go home.
posted by clavicle at 9:48 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yuengling is also noticeably better on draft, IMHO.

I agree, it's much better from the tap than from a bottle. Yuengling Porter on draft is very tasty but pretty rare.
posted by octothorpe at 9:48 AM on July 3, 2013

So do people buy PBR because they can't stand to be where they are at without getting drunk and getting drunk on something decent is cost prohibitive?

Getting drunk is fun sometimes. It doesn't mean you hate where you are. You may have noticed these places called bars, that people specifically seek out in order to drink alcohol. And yes, buying cheap beer usually happens when you can't afford good beer.
posted by Hoopo at 9:48 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Is Rolling Rock actually that cheap? I had no idea.

$19.50 after tax for a 24-pack of 12-oz cans of refreshing, flavorless, vaguely alcoholic perfection*

*(offer only valid while can is fresh out of the refrigerator)
posted by kagredon at 9:49 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Let's be perfectly honest if the 4th of July was everyday I'd happily drink 100 of every single kind of these beers while eating hotdogs and discussing baseball like I know or care about it forever and be fucking perfectly happy. [x] Cold. [x] Refreshing. [x] Shotgun-able. That's all you need to know.

*guitar solos into the ocean sunset on a chrome surfboard*
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:49 AM on July 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

I was going to complain about the low ranking of my hometown Genesee Cream Ale, but then I realized I haven't had it since 1975, warm, while playing penny poker in my dorm at RIT so perhaps my opinion is clouded by nostalgia and shame.
posted by tommasz at 9:50 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

I used to love cold Rocks during the summer, especially the 7 oz ponies but I can't bring myself to drink it since they left Old Latrobe and started brewing it in Newark, NJ.
posted by octothorpe at 9:50 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I don't get the PBR hate. The only adjective that comes to mind when I think PBR is "inoffensive". It is mild without being weak, zero aftertaste, not too sweet or bitter...it's actually pretty amazing in it's ability to be completely average in every way.

The adjective I use for PBR is diabetic piss, probably from the same old man they milk genny cream ale from.
posted by ennui.bz at 9:50 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

8-12 drops of Angostura per can.

The only problem with this is that when I am in situations wherein the only beer available is cheap and bad, I also have no access to Angostura bitters. Maybe I should carry a little bottle in my purse man's messenger bag for manly men who are men.
posted by infinitywaltz at 9:51 AM on July 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

Grain Belt comes in clear bottles. Even their fake micro comes in clear fucking bottles. That is fucking bush league. Negra Modelo or go home.

Negra Modelo? That's actually a Vienna-style lager. It is a real beer, not a watery American lager. Even if Negra Modelo were from the U.S., it would have no place in this discussion.
posted by Area Man at 9:52 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

probably from the same grandpa they milk genny cream ale from.

Good lord I think you may have just put me off beer altogether
posted by Hoopo at 9:52 AM on July 3, 2013

//That said, PBR tastes totally different in California, Milwaukee, and New York City presumably because it's brewed in 3 different breweries with ingredients originating from different regions and seasons. Most of those cheap Macros will taste different depending on where it was brewed, how old it is and what season it is.//

All the mass produced macro lagers combine batches of beer specifically to make sure that there are not noticeable differences from batch to batch. I hate Budweiser, but I will acknowledge that getting that weak of a flavor profile dead on in the quantities they do is an amazing feat of brewing skill. If only they would use their powers for good...
posted by COD at 9:52 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Poppa Bear: "1) sometimes it's just as good as it was before Yuengling was bought out"

Whaa? Yuenging has expanded rather considerably over the past 10 years, but it's still under (the same) private ownership.
posted by schmod at 9:53 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. MY TASTE IN BEER IS BETTER-INFORMED THAN ANYONE ELSE'S.
posted by grubi at 9:53 AM on July 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

YO GUSTO LAS CERVESAS MEXICANAS MUCHO
posted by Teakettle at 9:53 AM on July 3, 2013

Rolling Rock tastes like dishwater and PBR tastes syrupy. Also, why aren't malt liquors included? Then OE and Hoffenreffer would top the list.
posted by jonmc at 9:54 AM on July 3, 2013

This is my favorite thread in a while. Can there be a Metafilter subdomain where we only talk about shitty beer? Something like MetaFilter Beer ("The Yellow")
posted by azarbayejani at 9:54 AM on July 3, 2013 [15 favorites]

Pouring out a bottle to our long lost dear friends Carling (in the US), Hamms, Sterling, Greasy Dick/Falstaff, ...
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:54 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

What was the name of the Boston beer that was still sold in refilled bottle (brown stubbies) as late as the turn of the millenium?

Oh shit, Brubaker. I actually drank one as recently as 2006. I don't remember why I was in Boston, but I was sharing a shitty hotel room near the Garden with two guys, one of whom got monumentally wasted early in the evening and wandered off.

We made our way back to the hotel to see if we could find him, and lo and behold, he had gotten back to the room, trashed one of the beds, and was passed out across the other one. So we went back downstairs and found the nearest dive, which was completely deserted, and ordered a couple Brubakers.

We weren't causing trouble, but they had to ask us three times to leave because we were so thoroughly wrecked that we'd forget it was closing time before they finished telling us.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:54 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

OE tastes like vomit, even before it (inevitably) comes back that way. Mickey's is a much better choice for malt liquor.
posted by kagredon at 9:54 AM on July 3, 2013

I accidentally called it NegrO modelo in a restaurant the other day and the waitress did a long pause and looked at me and I pretended nothing was wrong so we just went on with our lives. I can't tell if she was going to scold me or try to give me some racist literature. I was outside Boston so it could have gone either way.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:54 AM on July 3, 2013

My Opa drank Stroh's. I'm told it was actually decent 30 years ago. Much was made of Yuengling becoming available here, so I tried it. Yuck. It doesn't make me happy, which is what beer is meant to do.

I am perhaps spoiled. My beer drinking tastes were learned in Germany, so I tend to keep things like Warsteiner and Bitburger around. American beers tend to be from Bell's (It's Oberon season, yay!!), and we have been playing with Magic Hat's Elder Betty.

I am bad at cheap beer.
posted by MissySedai at 9:55 AM on July 3, 2013

I hate cheap beer so I shouldn't even be here. But I just want to say Leinenkugel was decent until they whored out to Miller, and Grainbelt Premium is the righteous lawnmower beer of the Upper Midwest. It tastes exactly what a light lager should taste like. Schells knows exactly what they are doing with this stuff and they sell a ton of it.
posted by Ber at 9:55 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Rock Steady: "Here is the entirety of the ice pop list:"

The problem with that piece of click bait is that it is exactly right so there is no reason to get outraged.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:55 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

MY TASTE IN BEER IS BETTER-INFORMED THAN ANYONE ELSE'S.

and apparently shaped by whether or not hipsters drink it
posted by Hoopo at 9:55 AM on July 3, 2013

If you don't drink a certain beer because 'hipsters' drink it, you are worse than image-conscious
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 9:56 AM on July 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

and apparently shaped by whether or not hipsters drink it

Or! I thought I was being funny.

Interpret however you wish (apparently).
posted by grubi at 9:56 AM on July 3, 2013

Someone brought a case of Bud Light Strawber-ritas to a party at our place once.

That person is no longer allowed in our home.

By the way, anyone want a free, mostly-full case of Bud Light Strawber-ritas?
posted by backseatpilot at 9:57 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

If you don't drink a certain beer because 'hipsters' drink it, you are worse than image-conscious

I don't drink PBR because I don't like the taste. But I'm not convinced the reason hipsters drink it is because they *do* like the taste.
posted by grubi at 9:57 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Thankfully InBev Beck's (brewed in the USA = USA beer, amirite?) did not even make the list. Why must everything InBev touches turn to Ick?

And I'll put Rolling Rock in the same Ick zone. St. Louis is *not* Pennsylvania; "From the glass lined tanks of old La Trobe" and painted glass bottles to todays WTF Budweiser-esque parody complete with plastic label... eh, sorry for the rant; InBev is simply destroying one brand after another.

On a positive; a fresh PBR at a buck a pop is one heck of a beer indeed. :)
posted by buzzman at 9:57 AM on July 3, 2013

By the way, is the consensus that he's right about Keystone?
posted by Hoopo at 9:58 AM on July 3, 2013

PBR KILLS SLUGS BEST
posted by superelastic at 9:58 AM on July 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

Grain Belt comes in clear bottles. Even their fake micro comes in clear fucking bottles.

You can get Preemo and Nordeast in cans.

the Schell's craft stuff comes in brown bottles and is quite good. Nothing fake about it.
posted by cnelson at 9:58 AM on July 3, 2013

I'm not convinced the reason hipsters drink it

Hipsters don't drink it, everyone drinks it. Simmer down.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:58 AM on July 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

Most of his opinions are pretty bad (seriously, glad to see others sticking up for the Yueng), but he is correct that Heineken is, for a "classy import," pretty damn shitty too. As is Stella YEAH I SAID IT.

By the way, anyone want a free, mostly-full case of Bud Light Strawber-ritas?

Me! It's delicious. It's just not beer.
posted by psoas at 9:58 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Trying to explain to the older folks in my parents retirement community is SoCal that for just a buck or two more they could get something so very much better was humbling, to say the least.

Blank stare after blank stare, always followed by "But those beers are almost .10 a can more than Keystone!" (or Natural Ice, never anything else, in 500 different beer fridges).

I could roll my eyes but these people all have vacation homes in Palm Springs while I am eternally broke (BUT NOT FULL OF KEYSTONE!)
posted by Cosine at 9:58 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

By the way, is the consensus that he's right about Keystone?

It is not worse than Heineken; it is worse than murder.
posted by grubi at 9:58 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

I went to high school in the Marshall islands and worked at the one convenience on island, where all the beer and liquor was stored. We only had 3 beers on island. Budweiser, Miller Lite, and Michelob. One time there was a shipping error and we got 100 cases of Stroh's by accident. I'm pretty sure in the entire history of canned beer 100 cases of Stroh's has never sold out faster. The sheer novelty of something different made it the best beer ever, at least for an evening.
posted by COD at 9:58 AM on July 3, 2013 [9 favorites]

By the way, is the consensus that he's right about Keystone?

My sources say yes, though I'd rate Coors Lite slightly lower.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:58 AM on July 3, 2013

By the way, anyone want a free, mostly-full case of Bud Light Strawber-ritas?

Me! They're delicious. It's just not beer.

Sounds like it's a Pop-Tart in a can.
posted by grubi at 9:59 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

By the way, anyone want a free, mostly-full case of Bud Light Strawber-ritas?

Is it as bad as Iron City Light Mango?
posted by octothorpe at 9:59 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

My goto cheap beer in college and the surrounding drinking years was Haffenreffer. Was that just a regional thing around Boston? It had a rebus printed on the inside cap, which is a gimmick that more companies should adapt.
posted by jeremias at 9:59 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Do any of these 50 year old labels taste the same for more than 5 years at a time? How can you even compare them nowadays?
posted by klarck at 9:59 AM on July 3, 2013

If you don't drink a certain beer because 'hipsters' drink it, you are worse than image-conscious

Oh please, it is disgusting shit beer, but I am an adult, if it tasted good I would buy it (and keep it in a cozy at all times)
posted by Cosine at 10:00 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Luckily I am close enough to Canada that Labatt Blue is the cheap beer of choice.

College anecdote time:
I attended 10+ years ago, before PBR became the stereotypical Hipster beer. For some reason our bar of choice would have one case a night of PBR bottles and it would be the $1 beer until it ran out. We celebrated this blessing from the beer gods. When the PBR ran out the $1 beer would become Genny Light(it was brewed locally). The saddest event of the night would be when someone would bring back a round and there would be the lowly Genny Light in amongst the PBRs. We were legitimately poor College kids attending a State school, but that Genny Light would remain full. After drinking PBR all night my boyfriend (now husband) claimed that drinking a Genny Light was like eating a loaf of bread.
posted by ridiculous at 10:00 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Iron City Light Mango?

Oh god no even I cannot get behind that.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:00 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

everyone drinks it

No, I'm pretty sure it's just some people.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:00 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

I work in a growler shop, with some pretty heavy beer snobs. I can now draw a line between my co-workers as either "right" or "wrong" just based on the expression of disgust of the slight nod they gave when I revealed to a group of them that what I had in my fridge was a case of Tecate in cans and a bag of key limes that I got at the local barrio-mart for less than 15 bucks.

Zombie Dust is awesome, Pliny is the nectar of the gods and Spotted Cow is always on my lookout list, but sometimes I mow the yard and just want a cold one, ya know?

Also: thanks to my friend for inventing the Redneck Shandy: One can frozen lemonade concentrate, one tallboy PBR, combine in pitcher and drink straight from pitcher while sitting in folding chair in the yard, preferable with your feet in a kiddie pool. Waaaay better than it should be.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 10:01 AM on July 3, 2013 [9 favorites]

Luckily I am close enough to Canada that Labatt Blue is the cheap beer of choice.


You keep using that word...
posted by Cosine at 10:01 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

On my poor days I used to drink Chimay, but then a friend introduced me to St. Bernardus and my monocle nearly popped right out.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:01 AM on July 3, 2013 [22 favorites]

Do any of these 50 year old labels taste the same for more than 5 years at a time? How can you even compare them nowadays?

Crap. That's a good point.

Beer-xistential crisis ensues.
posted by grubi at 10:01 AM on July 3, 2013

But I just want to say Leinenkugel was decent until they whored out to Miller

I still like Leinie's, but yes, the difference is noticeable.
posted by MissySedai at 10:01 AM on July 3, 2013

Is it as bad as Iron City Light Mango?

It tastes more like Hawaiian Punch than any adult beverage has a right to. I'm going to start smuggling them into guests' coat pockets just so they get out of the house (the guests or the cans, take your pick).
posted by backseatpilot at 10:01 AM on July 3, 2013

My goto cheap beer in college and the surrounding drinking years was Haffenreffer

Headwrecka!

Oh shit, Brubaker.

Argh! Thank you so much! Brubaker!
posted by dirtdirt at 10:03 AM on July 3, 2013

Labatt Blue is the cheap beer of choice

I always found Blue (or Bleue if you live in Quebec) kinda thick and sweet. It's drinkable if it's borderline frozen though. The kind of beer you leave on the balcony in the winter.
posted by Hoopo at 10:04 AM on July 3, 2013

Ok now let's do cheap whiskey:

1. Old Granddad
end of list
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:04 AM on July 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

A beer post! A CHEAP BEER POST! I HAVE OPINIONS TOO!

There's no Old Style on the list at all, which is a shame because it's pretty bad in its own fun way.

Seriously. A cheap American beer post without Old Style? Fucking weak, man.

Also:

- Rolling Rock used to be good, as bad beers go. My dad always bought it when he (rarely) bought beer because it was what Spenser drank in the Robert B. Parker novels. Now it is fucking terrible, which makes me sad.

- I hear good things about Grain Belt Premium, but regular Grain Belt in those clear glass bottles is the worst thing I have ever tasted.

- High Life should be way further up the list. Busch Lite should be damn near the bottom. Fuck Busch Lite.

- He's right about Keystone, but when I was in school, it was $11 for a 30 rack ("30 stones for 11 bones!"), and I knew guys who would pretty much polish one off in a night by themselves, so I guess it has that going for it?

- Beast is the first thing I ever got well and truly drunk on, and consequently the first thing I ever spent hours heaving into a bucket. I will never forget the sensation of that first hangover, the dawning awareness that I didn't really know how I'd gotten home and into my own bed, and the sound of my father's voice calling up the stairs at 9am on a Saturday that now we were going to go cut firewood all morning. I will also never drink Milwaukee's Best again if I can possibly help it.
posted by brennen at 10:04 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

It's cheap-o beers that led me to realize: always pay more for a beer. Life's too short to waste. It's better to enjoy the good beer and drink three to get tipsy than to merely tolerate the bad beer and drink thirty to get tipsy.
posted by grubi at 10:04 AM on July 3, 2013 [8 favorites]

Brubaker!

Does it come in 5-packs?
posted by Hoopo at 10:04 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Hmmmm so possibly I should do some light american lager research tomorrow. And upon reflection, maybe hating on clear bottles is not in the spirit of this discussion either.

I agree that Schell's is often good. I'd say a little too good to be germane to this thread.
posted by clavicle at 10:05 AM on July 3, 2013

Coors light should be off this list and banned from competition for not being even beer.

Coors Light is what I drink to rehydrate after a long run, and I have to agree with the guy that—to my palate—it's one of the least offensive of the macro lights. Sometimes you just want a glass of water with a barely beer aftertaste. When I want an actual beer I drink Dogfish Head.
posted by echocollate at 10:05 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Angry Orchard is pretty decent

Angry Orchard is fucking BOSS and I am a crazed Angry Orchard evangelist and I don't even care if this thread is about beer ANGRY ORCHARD 5EVA
posted by elizardbits at 10:06 AM on July 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

Beast is the first thing I ever got well and truly drunk on,

Beast Ice was our college go-to cheap beer for parties, with Guinness being the "fancy" beer. I started playing beer pong with the Guinness because I just could not drink the other stuff.
posted by backseatpilot at 10:06 AM on July 3, 2013

the first time I ever got drunk for real I was 20 years old having snuck into an awful Badger bar in Madison. We got a bucket of Labatts and pounded it in the 2 hours we had after the pizza joint we worked at closed. I ended up outside the club face down in a river of my own effluvia, while still trying to hit on passing sorority chicks. I can still smell the crisp asphalt whenever someone says those magic words "Labatt's Blue"... I haven't had one since.

Ahhh, summer.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:07 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Hey, I didn't see Icehouse on that list. They still make that shit?
posted by grubi at 10:07 AM on July 3, 2013

I'm at work and can't check the post. Did the cheapo Trader Joe's brews - Name Tag and Simpler Times - make the list?
posted by terrierhead at 10:07 AM on July 3, 2013

I always found Blue (or Bleue if you live in Quebec) kinda thick and sweet. It's drinkable if it's borderline frozen though. The kind of beer you leave on the balcony in the winter.

Admittedly I stick with Blue Light and I prefer it to my other cheap beer options, but it might be more nostalgic than anything. Plus it's not a hockey game with anything but.
posted by ridiculous at 10:07 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

A little research tells me they still do make Icehouse, indeed.
posted by grubi at 10:07 AM on July 3, 2013

Potomac Avenue: "Ok now let's do cheap whiskey:

1. Old Granddad
end of list"

Heresy:

1. Evan Williams
end of list
posted by invitapriore at 10:08 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wrong.

Dickel.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:09 AM on July 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

My goto cheap beer in college and the surrounding drinking years was Haffenreffer.

A liquor store I frequented in college got a pallet of Haffenreffer and nobody, NOBODY bought it, so they dropped the price and NOBODY bought it. One day we were there early making a beer run when they wheeled the whole pallet out with the price of $4 a CASE. Let me repeat FOUR DOLLARS PER CASE. We looked at the money we had and a friend whipped out his check book and suddenly, just like that, we had a pallet of "Hassel-Haff", over 2400 cans of pure caca beer that NOBODY in Tennessee had ever heard of. There was so much of it we didn't know what to do with it, we made multiple trips with one guy standing guard on the corner to get the stuff home. At first everyone at the party greeted us like heros, but then as the drinking went on and on AND ON and it never got any better it finally dawned on us that $4 a case was probably a fair price.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:10 AM on July 3, 2013 [22 favorites]

Black Bottle is at about the same price point

That is scotch. I SAID GOOD DAY SIR.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:10 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Ok now let's do cheap whiskey:

1. Old Granddad
end of list

WRONG, IT'S OLD CROW, YOU COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG

No, but seriously, Old Granddad is also pretty good.
posted by infinitywaltz at 10:10 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Hey, BitterOldPunk, that reminds me: my parents used to live a few miles from the Jack Daniel's distillery, then moved to a few miles from the George Dickel distillery.

Just a coincidence, though; they don't drink whisky.
posted by grubi at 10:10 AM on July 3, 2013

Angry Orchard is fucking BOSS and I am a crazed Angry Orchard evangelist and I don't even care if this thread is about beer ANGRY ORCHARD 5EVA

The problem with AO is that it's a pretty high proof for a fizzy drink and it still basically tastes like cider so you can down an entire bottle of Strawman by yourself without noticing and then wake up with a monster hangover cause all that fizzy stuff messes up yer blood gas ratios and makes everything suck.
posted by The Whelk at 10:10 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

This is a masterful troll article, not only does he manage to insult 90% of the beers he's ranking, he also insults a good number of cities and regions while he's at it.

Also, Lone Star rocks.
posted by DynamiteToast at 10:10 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Dickel

Not cheap.

Evan Williams

I doubt you have had Old Grand Dad.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:11 AM on July 3, 2013

Miller High Life at #31 is a farce. This is the best summertime beer ever.

If it's good enough for Da Mayor, it's good enough for you.
posted by porn in the woods at 10:11 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

My favorite cheap knockoff liquor is Southern Host, which is a knockoff Southern Comfort. That's solely because of the shamelessness of the name, however.
posted by codacorolla at 10:11 AM on July 3, 2013

No whiskey bottle should have a green label. You could put Pappy Van Winkle in a bottle like that and it would come out tasting like peppermint motor oil.
posted by invitapriore at 10:11 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I like Dickel, but it's not like "cheap" whiskey; it's just like a "not expensive" whiskey.
posted by infinitywaltz at 10:11 AM on July 3, 2013

Ok now let's do cheap whiskey:

What, no love for Fighting Cock?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:11 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Blue/Blue light are the best, and would have easily topped this list were Canadian beers allowed. I have a bottle opener from a case of Labatt Blue that screams Rick Jeanneret calls when opening a bottle. Which is hilarious, because Blue is twist off.
posted by troika at 10:13 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Lone Star is actually really really good. All this talk makes me want to have a taste test at the BBQ tomorrow but I'll be on Cape Cod where Gansett is the only non-national beer possible.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:14 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Canadian and Mexican beers can't count in this league as it would just be unfair.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:14 AM on July 3, 2013

I doubt you have had Old Grand Dad.

Oh, I have. I just don't confuse getting punched in the face for having a good time.
posted by invitapriore at 10:16 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Honestly I prefer most of these beers to the cheap mexican variety. Tecate is swill, Dos Equis is porter swill, and Corona is pretty OK if you're in a Cantina but otherwise it's pretty mediocre. I don't know much about Canadian cheap beer but I suspect they are almost exactly like the Americans but more polite.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:17 AM on July 3, 2013

Down here in Texas it seems like if people aren't drink crap like Bud Lite, they tend to get Lone Star or Shiner Bock as the default not super pricey beer.

High Schoolers still get trashed on Nattie Lite because you can get a keg for cheap and fill up a ton of solo cups for cheap.
posted by vuron at 10:18 AM on July 3, 2013

MCMikeNamara: The problem with that piece of click bait is that it is exactly right so there is no reason to get outraged.

You didn't read the comments, I see.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:18 AM on July 3, 2013

I just don't confuse getting punched in the face for having a good time.

I doubt you are a real cheap whiskey fan then. The perfect way to take it is like a 5 Hour Energy except instead of being able to work on your essay or drive across the state afterward it enables you to dance on a table and then write a poem on the bathroom mirror in shaving cream. Then you get punched in the face. Party!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:20 AM on July 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

taste like rusty nails and stale bread
doesn't taste like pee
does taste like pee
don't taste like watered-down pee
tastes like sawdust
tastes like the can has been sitting in someone's basement since last summer
piss or sweat
diabetic piss
tastes like dishwater
tastes like vomit
tasting like peppermint motor oil

Y'all have tasted some interesting things.
posted by brain_drain at 10:21 AM on July 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

I would go:

5. PBR
4. Genesee Cream
3. Bud
2. Yuengling Black and Tan
1. Yuengling Lager

Lager is best in the cans or 22 oz brown bottles. The green bottles help get it skunky. Tecate and Moosehead are great of you expand out to North America. Warsteiner if you go beyond that.

The worst of all time is Golden Anniversary beer and Natty of any variety.
posted by Drinky Die at 10:21 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Where's the list of shitty Canadian Beers? It was just Canada Day!

Fact: Kokanee is the Okanagan word for "hockey fight!"
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:21 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Also, as a long time St. Louis resident, this smacks of the truth: PBR...tastes like Budweiser is supposed to


Man, I miss Stag.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:21 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

No Old German?

that's the current favorite in town for 2 dollar 16oz cans at the bars.
posted by iamabot at 10:21 AM on July 3, 2013

I don't know much about Canadian cheap beer but I suspect they are almost exactly like the Americans but more polite.

Actually, IMHO, the cheap Canadian beer market seems pretty small, far fewer entries at the bottom than in the States.

Molson/Labatt are still shit tho.

Any Canada-Fites remember No Name Beer, in the yellow can, that just said BEER on it?
posted by Cosine at 10:21 AM on July 3, 2013

Honestly I prefer most of these beers to the cheap mexican variety.

Wait til you try Xibeca.
posted by elizardbits at 10:22 AM on July 3, 2013

Tecate is swill, Dos Equis is porter swill, and Corona is pretty OK if you're in a Cantina but otherwise it's pretty mediocre

I recall my friends getting back from the Grad Trip to Mexico that I couldn't afford to go on, and raving and raving about Dos Equis and how it was the best and how it's too bad it's not available and I would never get to try it. Well it's here now, and it did not meet expectations. Now I can look back at my friends 20 years ago and laugh and laugh at their stupid sunburns and love of mediocre beer and Senor Frogs T-shirts.

I don't know much about Canadian cheap beer but I suspect they are almost exactly like the Americans but more polite.

Also with maple leaves on the bottle instead of stars or stripes.

Cheap Canadian beer? I gotta go with Labatt 50.
posted by Hoopo at 10:22 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I don't know much about Canadian cheap beer but I suspect they are almost exactly like the Americans but more polite.

In addition to the aforementioned Labatt, there's Molson's, which is basically Coors with a maple leaf on the can (right down to ownership), and Kokanee, which is actually pretty good, but difficult to find east of the Rockies.
posted by kagredon at 10:22 AM on July 3, 2013

Fact: Kokanee is the Okanagan word for "hockey fight!"

Fact: Growing up on the prairies Kokanee was the fru-fru snob beer. Showing up with a case was pretty much an open invitation to be branded (possibly literally) a queer.
posted by Cosine at 10:23 AM on July 3, 2013

Oh shit I just realized what they forgot: fucking LAND SHARK. I love Land Shark.

Here's a complete list of the places where Landshark is the only beer to drink:

1. A pool party (w/ tikis)
2. A beach party (tikis optional)
3. Margaritaville Casino Resort (in Biloxi or Vegas)
4. Any other pirate or nautical-themed casino
5. Any restaurant on the beach that serves fried alligator
6. A speedboat race

Surprisingly NOT at a Jimmy Buffet concert. The correct thing to drink there is Yellow Tail Chardonnay + Sprite out of a Sprite can.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:25 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Kokanee, which is actually pretty good

Well, better than Molbatte sure, but that's like saying being run over by a semi is better than being run over by a train.
posted by Cosine at 10:25 AM on July 3, 2013

Molsen Golsen! ... I mean, Golden Molden! Dangit.
posted by aramaic at 10:26 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best local beer slogan ever: "When you're out of Point, you're out of town."
posted by gingerbeer at 10:28 AM on July 3, 2013

I love Land Shark.

I do, too, but it's not cheap the way Pabst Blue Ribbon and Natural Ice are cheap.
posted by infinitywaltz at 10:28 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

And fuck the Rolling Rock badmouthing. Is good cheap beer.

And on the subject of such - Those aren't cheap beers. This is cheap beer. Back in my beer mass quantities days, that stuff was cheaper than the store generic beer, called, well, BEER (white can, light blue lettering). We knew as soon as we hit that stuff that

A] Beer swilling time was over and
B] SOMEONE was throwing up.

And the rebuses under the cap did NOT make up for the vomiting.

(At this time, we were doing the Tumwater bottles.)
posted by Samizdata at 10:28 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Xibeca

Intriguing. I like the plain wrapper.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:29 AM on July 3, 2013

Drinky Die: "The worst of all time is Golden Anniversary beer"

We have a winner. Golden Anniversary was the worst beer ever foisted on an unsuspecting public.
We're talking drink it and then spend the next two days in the bathroom running from both ends bad.
posted by namewithoutwords at 10:29 AM on July 3, 2013

In addition to the aforementioned Labatt, there's Molson's

Oh, no, no, no, you're just skimming the surface of "Premium" beers there! Where's your Alexander Keiths, Steelback, and James Ready level of high-quality products?!?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:30 AM on July 3, 2013

Also a good deal of cheap beers in Canada tend to be very local. BC has Hell's Gate and Big Surf which are some of the cheapest available and I would take over Canadian or Blue.

This is cheap beer

FUCKIN LUCKY LAGER! How did I completely forget about that stuff? Oh wait, I think I know actually. Hoo boy, that stuff is something.
posted by Hoopo at 10:31 AM on July 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

I just want to say something just so we can say it and then never have to say it again, ever: Busch Ice. Ok carry on.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:32 AM on July 3, 2013

In college there was a terrible beer called Goebel that we could get for something like $16 a 1/4 keg. Miserable stuff.
posted by octothorpe at 10:32 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

brain_drain, I can't speak for anyone else, but I have actually drank a few cans of Genny Cream Ale that had sat in my mom's basement since the previous summer. She brought it to the family reunion. Tasted fine to me. But I don't really have a discerning palate: a couple years ago some friends bought some Billy Beer from eBay. It wasn't completely undrinkable, it was actually kind of cider-y, but we stopped once we noticed there were flakes at the bottle of the can.

The best thing about Land Shark is that the Dolphins used to play in Land Shark Stadium and during NFL Hispanic Week(?) the announcers would get really into it and take any excuse to yell out ESTADIOOOOOO LANDSHARK. It's really fun to say. Try it.
posted by troika at 10:33 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Not "Estadioooo Land Chark"?
posted by grubi at 10:37 AM on July 3, 2013

PBR (and other cheap beers like Lone Star) are great during the summer when I don't want a malty or hoppy specialty beer that is so "flavorful" I've got to whip out the knife and fork and chew my way through it. Even hefeweisens can be a little thick for me.

And yeah about the whole not drinking PBR because oh noes hipsters. Psh whatever man. I'm no "Texan Americu fuck ya" but I'll drink a Lone Star any day. Mighty fine beer you got there, Lou.
posted by ishrinkmajeans at 10:37 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

There's a 6-pack of Piels in my grandma's garage that's been there for at least 15 years, probably a bit longer than that. Maybe I'll drink it this weekend.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:38 AM on July 3, 2013

MetaFilter: Your favorite Beer is too hoppy
posted by DigDoug at 10:40 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

MY FAVORITE CHEAP BEER? OH, THAT WOULD BE CHIMAY.

I'M SO RICH THAT I LITERALLY CANNOT SEE CHEAPER BEERS. WHENEVER THEY'RE OFFERED TO ME, I SIMPLY BUMP INTO THEM AND SPILL THEM ON THE FLOOR, WHILE SNORTING AND FARTING. "OH DEARIE ME," I THEN BURBLE, TEARS OF LAUGHTER SMEARING MY TWO MONOCLES.

IT'S EXACTLY LIKE HOW WHENEVER I PASS BY A HOMELESS PERSON, I ALMOST ALWAYS ACCIDENTALLY DROP MONEY INTO FIRE. BUT THEN I SAY, "OH, WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER," TO LET THEM KNOW THAT I'M OKAY.

ANYWAY, IF YOU COULD PICK UP SOME CHIMAY AT THE BEER RUN, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY ON ME RIGHT NOW. DON'T WORRY, I'LL GET YOU BACK LATER. ALTHOUGH IF I FIND OUT THAT YOU'RE POOR I MIGHT FORGET TO BE ABLE TO SEE YOU LATER, SO WATCH OUT.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:41 AM on July 3, 2013 [21 favorites]

I'll drink a Lone Star any day.

Least since Pearl closed down.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:42 AM on July 3, 2013

Fun thread. I recently mistakenly bought a case of Yuengling Light, rather than the Yuengling Lager I meant to buy. Yuengling is great but Yuengling Light is, quite possibly, the worst light beer I've ever had. Thin, watery, yeasty, yuck.

octothorpe, I remember Goebel! I remember chuckling over its supposedly correct pronunciation, "jzo-BEL," not the "GOE-bels" we'd all assumed. God, it was awful. So cheap, but so awful.
posted by cheapskatebay at 10:43 AM on July 3, 2013

200-some-odd comments and not a single mention of Utica Club sitting fat and happy in the top 5? I knew Utica Club. I went to school in Utica. Utica Club was cheaper than anything in every convenience store for 20 miles in any direction, aside from the occasional blowout sale on Keystone Light. And I can tell you for damn sure that it was never even a consideration, except when you needed to buy a six-pack of something, leave it sitting on top of the radiator for six months, and then watch the reactions of unsuspecting freshmen who mistook it for Miller High Life cans.

Meanwhile, what's all this gobshitery about Yuengling being worse than Natty Ice?
posted by Mayor West at 10:43 AM on July 3, 2013

I hate cheap beer so I shouldn't even be here....

posted by Ber

ponystrical.
posted by wenestvedt at 10:43 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's interesting that most of the hate is directed at his choices of cheap regional beers. I think there's very much a component of "sure it's a bad cheap beer, but it's our bad cheap beer". Certainly I am outraged by the inclusion of Natty Boh in this list. I doubt this guy ever went downy-ocean with it, or held a cold one of it against his forehead while roasting in the bleachers on 33rd St. And Yeungling?! I remember well my discovery of it, when it was barely marketed outside PA. I'd drive 45 min up I-83 to the first bottle shop over the Mason-Dixon to bring back 3-4 cases of the stuff. I was like Moses bringing down the tablets from the mountain.

Nuts to this guy, on general principle. Drink regional beer, period, and be proud of it. Is there a beer-drinking component of the localvore movement? There should be.
posted by The Nutmeg of Consolation at 10:46 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Xibeca is Spanish, not Mexican.
posted by threeants at 10:46 AM on July 3, 2013

MY FAVORITE CHEAP BEER? OH, THAT WOULD BE CHIMAY.

I think my happiest moment in a convenience store (...yeah, I know) was the day I discovered that Leffe sells for $9 for a six-pack. Beer that good doesn't make sense being that cheap.

Reader, I inhaled it!
posted by psoas at 10:47 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

There's a 6-pack of Piels in my grandma's garage that's been there for at least 15 years, probably a bit longer than that. Maybe I'll drink it this weekend.

Doing so would be the purest expression of American patriotism. Without independence from Great Britain, we might not have so many disgusting watery lagers.
posted by Area Man at 10:48 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

MY FAVORITE CHEAP BEER? OH, THAT WOULD BE CHIMAY.

but you'd gain so much weight.
posted by The Whelk at 10:50 AM on July 3, 2013

Rolling Rock is the only thing on that list that I might try to choke down. Give me real ale.
posted by MrBobaFett at 10:50 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

OMG his comment on Natural Ice is *exactly* why its my go to cheap beer.
posted by frecklefaerie at 10:50 AM on July 3, 2013

Wow. Thinking about Lucky makes me think of my days as a charter member of the Drunken Spelunkers Society, where alcohol abuse meant spilling your beer, and sacred time honored tradition meant the first person to enter the Gallery of Shame (what we used for the urinal) meant you got pebbles and dirt clods thrown at you... Le sigh.
posted by Samizdata at 10:51 AM on July 3, 2013

Is there a beer-drinking component of the localvore movement?

Very much so.
posted by clavicle at 10:54 AM on July 3, 2013

Unfortunately.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:55 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I know way too much about cheap beers actually. When we were 17 or 18, we would drive over the bridge into Quebec where the drinking age was lower and they sold beer at every shitty depanneur where you were less likely to get carded. There was one I recall, that was basically a reject from the brewery. There was a promotion back then, Labatt X and Y, which they billed as "copper beer". Big marketing push for the stuff, you'd vote on your favorite out of X and Y and it was going to result in a "winner" that would become the new Labatt Copper. One of them won, but Copper never really took off. For years later it was being sold in depanneurs in Gatineau as "Celtique" at a huge discount, I'm pretty sure all of it to me and my friends so we could go out into the woods and drink. Lucky was another one, Black Label (ew) and Wildcat (just don't, under any circumstances). Only one beer we ever got in Quebec was so bad even broke-ass underage suburbanite teen boys wouldn't drink it: Old Milwaukee. By the time it got warm we actually gagged on it.
posted by Hoopo at 10:56 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

In 1993, Blanchard's Liquors -- a giant store roughly mid-way between Boston College and Boston University -- had a dusty (pony?) keg of Pig's Eye Lager. It had clearly been there for many months, and I guess it was deemed Exotic by the management because it was priced at $49.

Those of us from Minnesota snorted each time we saw it, which was for quite a while because of course no one sober enough to get through the front door would pay fiddy bucks for a keg of Pig's Eye. And honestly, if we were willing to drink Pig's Eye, $50 + deposit would buy a LOT more of something -- anything! -- else that was cheaper on a per-unit basis.

As far as I know, it may still be there.
posted by wenestvedt at 10:59 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Fact: Kokanee is the Okanagan word for "hockey fight!"

Fact: Growing up on the prairies Kokanee was the fru-fru snob beer. Showing up with a case was pretty much an open invitation to be branded (possibly literally) a queer.
posted by Cosine at 10:23 AM on July 3 [+] [!]


My God, Cosine! I had no idea. Did The Kids In The Hall drink Kokanee?

In the Pacific Northwest Kokanee is considered the watery nectar of northern loggers (not lagers).
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 11:04 AM on July 3, 2013

(also I just noticed Budweiser is the only one with no explanation. heh. So true.)
posted by Hoopo at 11:05 AM on July 3, 2013

What's wrong with Miller?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:10 AM on July 3, 2013

Give me real ale.

When asked my favorite beer, I have to reply "My favorite beer is an ale."

Bass Pale Ale, thank you very much.
posted by grubi at 11:10 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

As a Canadian, I want to thank the person who mentioned lucky lagers. I think there was another brand too- wild tiger? In university we bought most of our beer in the Quebec supermarket and wine at the gas station, so we were definitely keeping it classy.

And on our trips to the grand USA, we would drink rolling rock- I thought we were being cool not buying the 30-pack/'weekender' suitcases of Miller or Bud or whatever that was. Also the low alcohol content compared to Canadian beers had us lining up our RR bottles everywhere- so classy and tough!
posted by bquarters at 11:14 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Grubi, you seem to want to talk about everything except cheap American beer.
posted by danny the boy at 11:15 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

my parents used to live a few miles from the Jack Daniel's distillery, then moved to a few miles from the George Dickel distillery

Tennessee South Central represent!

Growing up the Tullahoma mall was high class! No wonder I know so much about shite beer!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:15 AM on July 3, 2013

Grubi, you seem to want to talk about everything except cheap American beer.

it's true.
posted by grubi at 11:15 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Ok now let's do cheap whiskey:

1. Old Granddad
end of list

I am a fan of Old Granddad, but any list should include Pikesville Rye: The Aristocrat of Whiskies.
posted by spaltavian at 11:16 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Tennessee South Central represent!

We may have had this conversation in the past, The 10th Regiment of Foot, but I went to Moore County High School.
posted by grubi at 11:16 AM on July 3, 2013

The Aristocrat of Whiskies

No, this is the Aristocrat of whiskies!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:18 AM on July 3, 2013

30-pack/'weekender'

I remember seeing this billed as a "Family Pack" in one US supermarket. You know, an extra 6, for the kids.
posted by Hoopo at 11:18 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

The Aristocrat of Whiskies

I thought he meant like that awful joke.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:20 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Cheap Canadian beer? I gotta go with Labatt 50.

50 was my go-to beer during my bar daze. I'd be the only one with it, so there was no question which was mine. Then people cottoned onto that strategy, and 50 became popular. I started drinking Red Cap. Same thing happened -- I started another trend. Finally, I started drinking Molson Stock, the oldest, coldest beer in the fridge. No-one dared follow me there. An ale which tastes of flowers and salt.

My bar daze now over, I still drink Red Cap as my standard everyday beer. It's not particularly exciting, but there's a) nothing wrong with it, and b) does the job, every time. Enh.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:20 AM on July 3, 2013

I got the sense this article was written mainly to come up with reasonably funny ways to describe flavors, and on that score I found it, well, reasonably funny...

Here's the thing - the best beer in the world is the beer you happen to have at any given moment - I love expensive fancy-pants microbrews, and yet I'd still walk a mile for an ice-cold Rolling Rock in the summer. When we make our semi-annual pilgrimage to Frank Pepe's in New Haven, it's a white clam pie, a pepperoni pie, a sausage pie, and a pitcher of Genesee. Because that's just what we do. It's part of the experience - it's all good - relax.
posted by jalexei at 11:20 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

The more I think about it the more I realize a listicle ranking cheap American beer is really stupid. Cheap beer is situational. It's meaningless to talk about the top X beers, but rather to highlight specific situations and place the prime beer in to those situations. Eating crabs and corn on the cob out in perfect 80 degree weather on a roof deck? Natty boh. Getting shitty playing drinking games? Natty light. Hanging out at a BBQ eating ribs? Miller High-Life. At a bar and want to spend the smallest amount on a draft, but still have something with taste? Yuengling. Want to drink something as a joke and make your intestinal track hate you the next morning? Beast.

This list is incoherent because the beers are mentioned without context, and instead are ranked on some dimwit's subjective scale of beer goodness (which, I might add, makes it apparent that he has terrible taste). Get bent, Deadspin.
posted by codacorolla at 11:22 AM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Tennessee South Central represent!

My cousins moved to Manchester when I was 5 or so. We went down to visit them a year or two later, and for some reason everybody thought it would be a good idea to bring the kids to Lynchburg for a distillery tour.

I actually puked outside the room where they let you catch a whiff off the filtering column.

I did much better when I went back a few years ago.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:22 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

it's all good - relax.

If I could do that, I wouldn't be on Metafilter!
posted by grubi at 11:22 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

There was a better article YEARS ago in Cracked or Details or somewhere that described each type of beer's taste, effects (makes you drive the ride-on mower in circles for hours), then hangover (fuzzy-head, not good for roofing) (or makes you sleep in past your math test etc). It was pretty funny, and again as an experienced (but Canadian) cheap beer drinker, I think they might have been on to something. (Plus I feel bad for you Texans etc that don't know the fun of sticking all your cheap beers in the wall of snow outside your front door- good times).
posted by bquarters at 11:23 AM on July 3, 2013

Shaefers - to quote their old song "...is the one beer to have when you're having more than one beer!" That could go for all the others on this list as well.

Coors - Denver native here, boycotted for years, but still - the original Banquet beer (*must* be kept refrigerated because: not pastuerized!) from a bottle (not a can) when cold, is a refreshing lager. Better by far than Rolling Rock, Mickey's or some of the other swill on the list.

Cheap Liquor: Old Overholt - the end (or as we called it: Old Overcoat)
posted by dbmcd at 11:23 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Tennessee South Central represent!

My cousins moved to Manchester when I was 5 or so. We went down to visit them a year or two later, and for some reason everybody thought it would be a good idea to bring the kids to Lynchburg for a distillery tour.

I actually puked outside the room where they let you catch a whiff off the filtering column.

I did much better when I went back a few years ago.

Try living in a town in which the distillery is on top of the highest hill. It's much worse. An entire Tennessee valley filled with thick, sticky sour mash odor in the air is so nasty. On top of that, there were kids my age making a pretty penny going door to door pressure-washing houses... since the sour mash air caused excessive mildewing on brick walls and aluminum siding. Ugh.
posted by grubi at 11:24 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Can there be a Metafilter subdomain where we only talk about shitty beer? Something like MetaFilter Beer ("The Yellow")

Think bigger! Someone needs to license the name and make Metafilter Beer.

Its qualities would be interesting.
posted by ambient2 at 11:26 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

50 became popular.

Only in 1 place I've ever drank was 50 the popular drink: Dominion Tavern in Ottawa. You get it in quarts, ice cold, invariably served by an annoyed punk dude. That bar is the best and I'd feel just as comfortable walking in there today at 35 as I did when I was 18.
posted by Hoopo at 11:26 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Pffft: my sister lived in Milwaukee, and hated it because there was a brewery at three of the compass points and a chocolate factory on the fourth one. The wind always smelled!
posted by wenestvedt at 11:26 AM on July 3, 2013

How on Earth did Grain Belt get #1? It's actually the only beer on that list that I specifically dislike (well, maybe Rolling Rock is a little nasty too). Grain Belt has this weird chalky blueberry overtone that maybe you don't notice until someone mentions it but then you can't un-notice it. Gross.

Give me a High Life instead.
posted by cirrostratus at 11:27 AM on July 3, 2013

The wind always smelled!

YES BUT MILDEW
posted by grubi at 11:28 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Think bigger! Someone needs to license the name and make Metafilter Beer.

Its qualities would be interesting.

No one would be posting about having a pallet lying around for years, though, the beers themselves would probably start yelling "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING" if you tried to drink them after 24 hours outside of a fridge
posted by kagredon at 11:32 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Bass Pale Ale, thank you very much.

Just another shitty AB-InBev product now.
posted by octothorpe at 11:32 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Basically while America is pretty good at craft beer, Mexico beats us senseless at trash beer.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:33 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

Just another shitty AB-InBev product now.

I will now harrumph at you.
posted by grubi at 11:34 AM on July 3, 2013

Now to blow everyone's mind with the Next Level of cheap beer: Happoshu. This abomination is a "beer-like product" available in Japan that was created specifically to avoid taxes on malt-based alcoholic beverages (presumably due to not having much of a domestic barley or hops industry in Japan I guess). They typically use soybeans or peas instead of malt. It's...gross.
posted by Hoopo at 11:37 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

There are a few beers guaranteed to give me a raging headache while I'm drinking them: any Coors product (Killian's, Blue Moon, Coors Light); Yuengling; and Bass. I don't know why, but I noticed a pattern after a few surprise headaches.

I'll still drink Yuengling from time to time, but I usually regret it.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:37 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I will now harrumph at you.

Yes, it's true, and it's notably sweeter and more cloying. Bass used to be one of my ol' reliable standbys, as it was available pretty much everywhere and a fairly decent brew, as mass-market brews go, but I can't stand the new recipe.
posted by Slap*Happy at 11:40 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

I also agree that Premo is a great cheap-ass beer.
To add to the amusing stories tally:
The very first time I hung out with my soon-to-be best college buddies, they had a quarter-barrel of premo ($30). The next morning, I wandered into the primary bedroom to find the three guys who lived in the apartment having a farting contest as a result of the beer. The stench chased me out of the apartment when I opened the door.
posted by mfu at 11:41 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

opens link
Apple-F
S-T-A-G
no results.

This list is incomplete and missing one of the BEST shitty beers in the western hemisphere.
posted by stltony at 11:43 AM on July 3, 2013

Lionshead is good and cheap. And it has puzzles on the cap.
posted by interplanetjanet at 11:44 AM on July 3, 2013

grubi: "Just another shitty AB-InBev product now.

I will now harrumph at you."

Harrumph all you want but you're drinking an AB product brewed in update New York.
posted by octothorpe at 11:45 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Harrumph all you want but you're drinking an AB product brewed in update New York.

WHY I NEVER
posted by grubi at 11:48 AM on July 3, 2013

Just another shitty AB-InBev product now.

Sadly I have to agree - There's no reason a beloved beer can't be contract brewed in such a way that honors the original taste and recipe, but Bass was always one of my favorites, and it's frankly awful now.
posted by jalexei at 11:49 AM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Trader Joe's Prost is currently $4 for a 6 pack at my local store, and as far as I can tell, it's relabeled Gordon Biersch Marzen, a fantastic beer brewed in San Jose which is normally 7 or 8 bucks.
posted by w0mbat at 11:51 AM on July 3, 2013

I'm out of the drinking game for good, so I don't really care about this, but he gets points from me for describing Texas as "Oklahoma's southern sister."
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:51 AM on July 3, 2013

Cheap Whiskey is Old Crow or GTFO!
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:53 AM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

"Oklahoma's southern sister"

I think it was on Metafilter that I saw someone call Ohio "Baja Michigan," which is just the best.
posted by troika at 11:54 AM on July 3, 2013 [12 favorites]

Good news: I consumed more than my fair third of two pitchers of Yuengling at lunch and I am happy to report that it is still pretty good.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:55 AM on July 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

I have (vague) college memories of drinking a horrible but super-cheap beer called Blatz in the mid-80s here in Ontario, although I'm pretty sure it was a US import. Blatz could only be bought in flats (not even cases) of 24 cans and if I'm not mistaken they didn't even have pull-tops. You had to punch those triangular holes in the can with an old-timey opener.
Someone tell me it wasn't all a dream.
posted by rocket88 at 11:59 AM on July 3, 2013

Someone tell me it wasn't all a dream.

Uh ... somebody I know told me that they downloaded some erotic fiction from a BBS in the mid-90s in which the characters drank Blatz and used a churchkey to open it.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:01 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Keystone=worst hangover I ever had, by at least a mile. And that was 20 years ago. Horrible, evil shit.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 12:03 PM on July 3, 2013

Just to make you guys complaining about the smell jealous, when the breeze blows right, I can smell the hops and malt from my local, cask/bottle conditioned Fullers Ale (ESB, London Pride, etc).

Now that is a brewery
posted by C.A.S. at 12:05 PM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

(don't know anything about the church key can, but): Blatz
posted by jalexei at 12:07 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Either James Lileks or Dave Barry write that Blatz was the perfect name for that particular beer because it's the noise you made after you drank it.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:09 PM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Some missing (and in some cases presumably RIP) brews:

Red, White, and Blue
Kroger-brand generic Beer
Generic generic BEER (similar to that seen in Repo Man)
Schlitz (still available in Chicago sometimes but no longer national)

Wisconsin Club (less than $5 a case in the bottle when I was in college, man did we go through that stuff)
Huber
Huber Bock (all three preceding from same brewer, Huber Bock being actually, inexplicably GOOD)
Rheinlander (same brewer but apparently intended to be undrinkable)

I can also confirm that at least thirty years ago, Stroh's was clearly superior to PBR/Bud/Miller etc.

Weird there was no Miller Dark on the list.


slight tangent, about seven years ago when I moved to a new neighborhood, I found a fancy beer store with a wide, international selection run by a gent from southeast asia. He imported, experimentally, a tailer of Cambodian lager, the name of which escapes me. It didn't sell, so he marked it way down. It was excellent, just a remarkable beer, and unsurprisingly ideal for hot weather drinking.
posted by mwhybark at 12:09 PM on July 3, 2013

I came for the Old Milwaukee. I was not disappointed.
posted by chavenet at 12:14 PM on July 3, 2013

and oh and oh i left out the green death varietals

Little Kings Cream Ale ("It's too good to be beer," came in mini bottles that must have been 8oz. The choice of backroad midnight teens in the midwest for a good twenty years.
Rainier Ale
Mickey's Big Mouth
posted by mwhybark at 12:14 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

no need for a MetaFilter beer, imho. There's this, and it is excellent.
posted by mwhybark at 12:17 PM on July 3, 2013

(Old Overholt is Don Draper's go-to, or was until he quit drinking)
posted by mwhybark at 12:19 PM on July 3, 2013

Look, if PBR is good enough for Frank Booth, then it's good enough for me.

This list is really out-of-context, although I think it's an interesting list. I haven't had all of the beers on it, but I've had quite a few.

Before becoming a "beer" drinker and was still just some kid going to stupid parties, all anyone drank was Budweiser and Bud Light. Natty Ice was for bros who were taking their dad's lifted F-150 out to the desert. PBR was what the artsy kids who were older than us drank. Then we became those kids, and started drinking PBR. For me, PBR is just a beer that doesn't taste terrible (I don't think it tastes like piss, sweat, or even water), is refreshing when it's cold, and isn't difficult to drink in a silly social situation. Sometimes when you're in your 20's you just want to shotgun a beer with some of your buddies, and there's no way I am doing that with some sort of Lagunitas 8%er.

My favorite cheap beers, in no particular order, are PBR, Rainier, Old German, Hamms, and Genesee Ice. The local bar that I go to will have PBR, Rainier, and Hamms 16oz cans for $1.50 until 7PM, which is a good deal in my opinion. I've been to places that have done them for a dollar but I don't live by them anymore. Likewise, there are usually anniversary specials and such at certain places that'll do a pint of PBR for $1. A good pizza place here just did that and $2 cheese slices and it was great. Old German tastes a bit like PBR but I can usually find it for cheaper. Genesee Ice, on the other hand, is disgusting, but it's 5.5%. I don't particularly buy Genesee Ice often anymore, but it's a good beer to have if you want to go to a house show, socialize a bit, then save one or two for the next night. I move between the first four beers I listed when it comes to buying cheap six-packs. On top of this, sometimes I just want to drink "good" beers, so I typically buy 22s. There are times when you go to the river and loading up on a six-pack of PBR is too much when the weather is hot.

I had about 11 days worth of drinking Yuengling when I did an internship in South Carolina and it wasn't bad.

On the topic of cheap whiskey, I have three, and one has been mentioned already: Old Crow. After that I go for Beam's Eight Star and Ten High.
posted by gucci mane at 12:33 PM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

For old times' sake I picked up a sixer of Schaefer the other day.

Schaefer was the first beer I ever drank: when I was 12 a cousin and I snuck a couple cans away from a big family picnic into the apple orchard up the hill and took nervous swigs. We both were shocked at just how horrible it tasted, like maybe we'd been the victims of a practical joke.
posted by aught at 12:44 PM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

chavenet: "I came for the Old Milwaukee. I was not disappointed."

Well that's a collection of words I never thought I'd see in that order.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:52 PM on July 3, 2013 [6 favorites]

The Aristocrat of Whiskies

I thought he meant like that awful joke.
posted by wenestvedt at 2:20 PM on July 3 [1 favorite +] [!]


No, that's the actual slogan!
posted by spaltavian at 12:52 PM on July 3, 2013

oh, where is the FUCKYEAHWISCONSINCLUB tumblr?

that beer, yes you are right, it was 5 bucks a case for Wisconsin Club, but you forgot to mention that in lots of midwestern states, there was a bottle deposit that, with a case of empties, brought the total cost down towards 3 bucks.

As a beer justice note, Wisconsin also produces the unbelievably good but only locally distributed

New Glarus Brewery, some of the best craft beer in the US
posted by C.A.S. at 1:03 PM on July 3, 2013

...Cheap beer is situational....

Flagged as too intelligent for the thread.
posted by aught at 1:05 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Let's ask the Queers what they think of this list.

I got to say, I'm normally an Old Style man, but there's something to be said for seeing the Queers live at the Fireside while drinking Bud Pins.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:10 PM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

OK. I was reading this thread for a while (and digging it for sure), but I need to weigh in on a couple pressing issues:

1. Rolling Rock is the worst. Full stop. Bar none. Etc.

2. PBR in bottles was the official drink of my college ultimate team and I harbor some nostalgia for it. It can't be found in bottles any more, which is a disappointment I'm learning to live with.
posted by that's candlepin at 1:22 PM on July 3, 2013

There are a few beers guaranteed to give me a raging headache while I'm drinking them: any Coors product (Killian's, Blue Moon, Coors Light); Yuengling; and Bass.

I totally get this too with Bass. Really bad headache before the end of the pint or bottle. It's too bad because I like the taste of Bass but the splitting headache sucks. I've never gotten a headache like it with any other beer or ale (though I don't drink the others on your list, besides the occasional Yuengling, which I don't have often because I don't like its taste).
posted by aught at 1:24 PM on July 3, 2013

Huber

I bet it's awful but I've always wanted to try Huber based on some doodles in the liner notes of this Killdozer album I had. Apparently that was their beer of choice, and they seemed like pretty hilarious dudes to me. Those covers of Cinnamon Girl and Run Through the Jungle...God those guys could completely obliterate any hope of ever liking a song again.

The local bar that I go to will have PBR, Rainier, and Hamms 16oz cans for $1.50 until 7PM

I went down to Seattle with a bunch of guys last summer and we were at this dive bar that was selling tall boys of Olympia. When it was my turn to buy a round, I go up and order 4 Olympias. The guy says "8 bucks." I'm like, "no, I wanted 4 of them." He plops them down on the counter and says "yeah, 8 bucks." I'm pretty sure I said "I fuckin love the USA!" out loud. The moral of the story is even cheap beer is really expensive in Canada.
posted by Hoopo at 1:28 PM on July 3, 2013 [8 favorites]

2. PBR in bottles was the official drink of my college ultimate team and I harbor some nostalgia for it. It can't be found in bottles any more, which is a disappointment I'm learning to live with.

What? Yes, it can. Less common than the ubiquitous cans, and more often in packs of 12 rather than packs of 6 for some reason, but I see bottled PBR in most stores with a decent beer selection.
posted by kagredon at 1:32 PM on July 3, 2013

Lone Star, for when it's time to rehydrate.

Hey, I forgot, I actually made a FPP about Lone Star awhile back. God damn, I love me some Lone Star on a hot summer day, and they're all hot summer days.
posted by fiercecupcake at 1:34 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you like cheap beers, recommend this Schadenfreude of a book, Bitter Brew: The Rise and Fall of Anheuser-Busch and America's Kings of Beer - fascinating story.
posted by stbalbach at 1:40 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

A lot of furor over a bunch of crap fermented corn-and-rice brews. This is a list of things you put in your body when you want to stress-test your bladder.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:48 PM on July 3, 2013

My top 5:
Yuengling
Natty Boh
Narraganset
PBR
Bud

And the fact that Natural Ice is not at the very bottom of the list makes this guy not worth listening to, imo. One of the things I take greatest joy in as a non-college student adult person is that no one else ever bring Natty Ice to a party I'm attending ever, ever again.
posted by naoko at 1:51 PM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

I am so angry at myself for paying attention to the stupid Egypt coup to see this awesome thread.

My beer consumption habits tend towards the "one beer every so often", so I'm not as well versed in cheap beer as I would like. I do enjoy an ice cold Coors or Red Stripe (HOORAY BEER), and I chose my barber based on the availability of gratis Tecate, but I don't think SoCal has any legendary cheap American beers.

That said, my favorite cheap beer experience was having Five Guys at Dulles, buying three bottles of Yuengling Lager (which was pretty good, but not mind-blowing) and carrying them onto the plane. They didn't survive the ascent to cruising altitude.
posted by Punkey at 1:56 PM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

How can Rainier be #7? I remember going to a dive bar with my brother that only had Rainier, and we ended up leaving after 1 drink for the legion down the street because for the first time we appreciated such "quality" brews as Kokanee, Pil and Molson.

Maybe Canadian Rainier is like Canadian Marlboro? As in not the same at all?
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 2:23 PM on July 3, 2013

Will Gordon, man, what happened? You used to be cool and funny, and now ... now, this.

I didn't even realize it was Will Gordon until this comment prompted me to look again. Glad he's getting work, even if it's listicle stuff that doesn't lend well to silly discursive tangents.
posted by kagredon at 2:24 PM on July 3, 2013

I think I liked Olympia though. Tumwater.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 2:31 PM on July 3, 2013

Where the fuck is Ballantine?
posted by jonmc at 2:47 PM on July 3, 2013

Where the fuck is Ballantine?

Dunno, but I drink half a pint each day.
posted by Cosine at 2:51 PM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

My wife is from Rhode Island so I appreciate the particular regional charm of 'Gansett, but it's actually not very good.

My experience with Naragansett is that it's what puts the Blue Ribbon in PBR. It's pretty awful. (Although I find myself kinda liking their newish cream style.)

That said, one of the best article openers I've read in a while: "I realize you're going to spend Independence Day happily drinking whatever cold adult beverage you're served, because you're polite and you're an alcoholic."
posted by maryr at 2:52 PM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Tennessee South Central represent!

Coffee County ex-pat and former Jack Daniel's employee here.

To bring this back around to the topic at hand: does anyone else remember the Jack Daniel's oak-aged beers? Man it's like they predated the craft beer trend by only 20 years. For a while there the stuff was all over the place in the southeast, for pretty cheap too, as I recall. Tennessee could have had our own New Glarus if only they're held out a little while longer...
posted by 1f2frfbf at 3:32 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

maryr: My experience with Naragansett is that it's what puts the Blue Ribbon in PBR. It's pretty awful.

Having spent a fair number of hot summers in Providence, Rhode Island drinking Gansett more than water I can say that it's definitely a taste you acquire, but once it's acquired it simply tastes like sweet memories of those days of youth you never get back. Narragansett brewery sponsored the kickball league I participated in and going out on the field every team was presented with two cases of Gansett. The day I realized that I actually preferred Gansett to several other objectively better beers was the day I realized I'd probably end up getting an anchor-and-stars tattoo (still pending).
posted by Kattullus at 3:39 PM on July 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

The absence of Black Label and, more importantly, Black Label Light from this list is disturbing. I'm not sure any other beer was consumed when I was at William & Mary mid-1980s. The $1.49/six pack price certainly encouraged this.
posted by JimInLoganSquare at 3:45 PM on July 3, 2013

People in North America take beer way too seriously. It's like waxing poetic about donuts.
posted by KokuRyu at 3:50 PM on July 3, 2013

I bet it's awful but I've always wanted to try Huber based on some doodles in the liner notes of this Killdozer album I had. Apparently that was their beer of choice, and they seemed like pretty hilarious dudes to me.

Well, while the company that still makes Huber seems to have dropped Wisco (booo) and Rheinlander (yaaaay) while fearlessly embracing kiddie brews and malt liquor ("Axehead," shudder), you will be pleased to learn they have established outposts in Calgary!

Sadly, however, it seems Huber has yet to penetrate the Maple Curtain despite the cheery news that the brewer has joined our countries in the heavenly matrimony of cheap beer.

I never could figure out the why of when we got Huber or Huber Bock. Huber was decent. Huber Bock was, I kid you not, genuinely good, at least comparable to Shiner Bock and imho a bit better, more rounded. You would think the bock would be seasonal but it wasn't, it would just appear and then disappear. Wisco was actually waaaay better than it had any right to be. Rheinlander was a buck less a case and practically undrinkable; Wisco was clearly superior to most of the US industrial stuff, I guess maybe sort of comparable to Bud but (it sure seemed like maybe) less alcohol and a subtler flavor.
posted by mwhybark at 3:59 PM on July 3, 2013

That said, one of the best article openers I've read in a while

Yeah - this is the home truth that finally transcended what I am well aware was a pretty obnoxious phase of beer snobbery for me: We're all alcoholics here, and while we've all got opinions, the grownups among us are going to drink what's on offer while the people who don't have anything else to say about, really, anything are declaiming on their incredibly ramified taste at about the same volume as those who literally can't hold a conversation at any social gathering that isn't a contest about passport stamps.
posted by brennen at 4:01 PM on July 3, 2013

Maybe Canadian Rainier is like Canadian Marlboro? As in not the same at all?

Well, iirc, both Oly and Rainier are not at all the same beer as they once were. I think the brewing moved to Illinois either in the late 80s or early 90s because I know a sure way to make friends out here around 1990 was to listen to someone bitch about how the beer was way worse than before the move.
posted by mwhybark at 4:04 PM on July 3, 2013

I was going to a BYOB place with a few friends and we stopped by the liquor store. One of my friends bought a 24-pack of Keystone Light, part as a joke and part as college nostalgia. I was completely shocked when I discovered it was actually okay! Keystone Light, you are a pretty good shitty beer.
posted by en forme de poire at 4:09 PM on July 3, 2013

It's like waxing poetic about donuts.

Get me enough of the exotic and wonderful donuts from Doughnut Plant and I'll produce an ode, or at least a sonnet.
posted by The Whelk at 4:16 PM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

BTW, current circumstances suggest that Michelob Light is entirely inoffensive.
posted by that's candlepin at 4:25 PM on July 3, 2013

For folks talking about Huber, Huber is who makes Simpler Times and Red Oval for Trader Joe's. Which does show that it's much better in a bottle. (Also, they've been making it sweeter lately, for no good reason.)
posted by klangklangston at 4:50 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Think bigger! Someone needs to license the name and make Metafilter Beer.

Metafilter: The who's sorry now? of beers.
posted by Pudhoho at 5:50 PM on July 3, 2013

I would literally rather drink several different bodily fluids than Rolling Rock. Sweat? Bile? Semen? Sure.

Piss? Maybe.

The reason why Leinenkugel isn't on the list is that it can compete with craft beer, it's actually good, not ironic good.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:15 PM on July 3, 2013

I would never necessarily call Yuengling a great beer, but for its price (and the fact it's still an independent company), I will drink it happily always when I'm looking for something cheaper.

I am not too proud to admit I've downed a few cans of PBR when drunk and broke. Much to the amusement of my friends since I often mock them for going for that as their first choice. But you know, sometimes budget and the desire for alcohol supersedes one's morals. Or something.

I am, admittedly, pretty judgmental when it comes to people's taste in alcohol but I am also a big fan of people drinking what they like and owning that fact. If you like a cheap beer, that's cool with me.
posted by darksong at 6:36 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Back in my college days in Minnesota back in the early 80s, there was a cheap beer called Pfeiffer, that was $3.99 per case, plus bottle deposit!, and it was so wheat-tasting and simultaneously watery and bitter, you only drank that when money was really, really tight. Then, as juniors, and seniors, we graduated to Hauenstein, a Fine New Ulm Beer, which was $4.58 a case. That was the best cheap beer I've ever over consumed for years at a time.
posted by Windopaene at 7:06 PM on July 3, 2013

In the case of cheap beer I am of the opinion that a one-shot taste test doesn't really suffice. Instead you want a per-brand longitudinal analysis of the whole experience. So, at a minimum, you have the introduction (1 unit), the can you really still taste this meaningfully? (4-5 units), the peak/bottom dialectic (8-10), and of course the denouement (let's say T+12h). Only then can this be taken seriously as a science.
posted by passerby at 7:23 PM on July 3, 2013

50 became popular.

Only in 1 place I've ever drank was 50 the popular drink: Dominion Tavern in Ottawa. You get it in quarts, ice cold, invariably served by an annoyed punk dude. That bar is the best and I'd feel just as comfortable walking in there today at 35 as I did when I was 18.

L'50 quarts in a grumpy tavern in Southwestern Ontario. Time machine engage.
posted by ovvl at 8:13 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Drinky Die: "The worst of all time is Golden Anniversary beer and Natty of any variety."

Yes, yes, yes. Golden Anniversary is horrendous.

Not mentioned here but also awful is American beer.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:23 PM on July 3, 2013

People in North America take beer way too seriously. It's like waxing poetic about donuts.

This comment is wrong on two counts.

Now I will say this this:

Busch on draft at busch stadium. So so so good. I understand it can't be had at the new stadium which is further proof that progress sucks. (More proof: Nathan's at citifield no longer serve corn dogs FFS. Took my 10 yr old daughter to her first game this summer after promising her as many corn dogs as she wanted AND SHE GOT NONE.)

Ballantine! Jonmc will appreciate that i got turned on to ballantine while working at a certain bookstore in the mid 90's. A certain employee was never seen without a can. I rarely see it in Queens though :(

PBR i have been drinking since enjoying frozen fish bowls of it in some redneck bar outside of Athens GA in maybe '91. It never fails to not offend. So good nearly frozen on a summer day. I am grateful for the hipsters for keeping it alive.

Also from that era: Glacier bay, 12 pack of bottles, cheap. A hint of blueberries. We'd stuff em down our pants and smuggle then in to Fulton County stadium to get drunk on the cheap while watching the braves from the outfield. Inebriation also aided by two liters of 7up half emptied and then topped off with Seagram's 7. (You could bring 2 liter bottles of soda to the ball park in those days! They changed 7up to be some bull shit lemon lime sprite rip off since then anyway, so a real 7 and 7 is lost to history, but now I am rambling.)
posted by ericost at 8:36 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

People in North America take beer way too seriously. It's like waxing poetic about donuts

No one in Europe would ever take such a thing as beer seriously
posted by Hoopo at 8:43 PM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Western PA people: a good local shitty beer is Straub.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:45 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Seriously, KokuRyu, I have great respect for you, but that is crazy on both counts.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:46 PM on July 3, 2013

Any Canada-Fites remember No Name Beer, in the yellow can, that just said BEER on it?

Oh yes. First beer I ever bought with my own money. Junior high, northern Alberta, late '80s. Everryone called it "Beer beer." A friend's older sister's boyfriend made the purchase. I can't remember a thing about the taste. The friend's a well-regarded blues musician around southern Alberta nowadays, so no permanent harm done.

Also the best cheap US beer is Bud in cans that have been stored in ice-filled ziploc bags in a golf bag on the back nine on a searingly hot July afternoon in Vermont. They need to be chilled to the very brink of frozen.

Bud is an insult to beer in any other context, but those golf-bag Buds were among the most memorable beverage experiences of my whole life.
posted by gompa at 9:33 PM on July 3, 2013

Ok now let's do cheap whiskey:

1. Old Granddad
end of list

Take er easy there my friend. Obviously you're not a golfer. Let me introduce you to the wide world of Benchmark. Yes, that's right, the lowest priced Bourbon in town. You're welcome. oh yeah.
posted by freakazoid at 9:41 PM on July 3, 2013

Store Brands are always the worst of the worst. When I was a college age toff, back in the preCambrian, Padre Beer at Safeway was sold only by the case. Three dollars. A case.

One step up from a can just labelled "Beer".
posted by blob at 9:56 PM on July 3, 2013

Oh man! Just remembered how good PC Premium Draft was. For some reason Presidents Choice brand got into making beer in the 90s and they did a fantastic job and it was cheap and yet no one really gave them credit for it. That there was the ideal cheap beer. If I recall, it actually had Czech hops.
posted by Hoopo at 10:04 PM on July 3, 2013

Co-op still has a store beer, Co-op Gold. It's not terrible.

I remember no-name cigarettes too. Just a yellow pack with black writing that said Virginia Cigarettes. Wish I had bought a pack and kept it.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 11:28 PM on July 3, 2013

Just coming to say that I knew Grain Belt would be #1 the moment I saw it was in the running.
posted by cthuljew at 11:30 PM on July 3, 2013

Old grandad is great, better than a lot of bottles on higher shelves . I'll take OGD 114 over Basil Hayden's any day.
posted by sp160n at 11:38 PM on July 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

First We Feast responds.
posted by box at 8:31 AM on July 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

That First We Feast link is a perfect example of why this conversation will never lead to agreement. Old Milwaukee is fucking gross. Yet it is inexplicably in his top 8.

I'm pretty sure the takeaway from this whole thing is less that there are some surprisingly decent cheap American beers, and more that the US is a gross beer minefield.
posted by Hoopo at 8:56 AM on July 4, 2013

I'm several decades past the "cheap beer" stage of my life, but here's my most recent cheap beer story:

Greg Ginn has gotten Black Flag back together and gone out on tour. Last month, they played my local bar.

So there I was, standing at the edge of the mosh pit, watching the young men crowd surf, while listening to Black Flag play "Six Pack" - with a can of yes, PBR in my hand.

It was some sort of out-of-time, neigh-transcendent experience.
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 9:27 AM on July 4, 2013 [4 favorites]

Since Narragansett is #1 on the First We Feast list I am going to consider it authoritative. Criminy, now I'm jonesing for Gansett, and I'm usually a if-I'm-drinking-I-might-as-well-drink-something-really-tasty sorta guy. Not that Gansett isn't tasty to me, mind you, but it's no Nectar-of-the-Gods. I don't even want beer in general, just Gansett. Clearly it's time I get that anchor-and-stars tattoo.
posted by Kattullus at 10:03 AM on July 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Narragansett is a very good cheap lager but the revival is pretty much trying to recreate the Yuengling tradition+regional pride+not half bad beer formula that has done so well. I can't help but think putting the word LAGER alone in big red letters along the bottom of the can is a direct homage. I don't see it on the vintage cans after a quick look. The logic of picking Gansett in that article is that it straddles the dad beer and craft markets. That applies just as well if not better to Yuengling. I consider them equal in quality, but the amber malt in Yuengling makes it a more distinctive beer than the same old golden beer Gansett. Both are still pretty standard American lagers brewed in mass quantities with corn as an adjunct like most of the beers on these lists, you can't really call either craft brews.

Anyway, I still say Yuengling #1 here. Not for being better than Gansett, but for being what Gansett is now years before Gansett got revived.
posted by Drinky Die at 12:20 PM on July 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's like waxing poetic about donuts.

You, sir, do not understand how much I love donuts.
posted by maryr at 12:47 PM on July 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

How has the cheap whiskey conversation overlooked Kentucky Gentleman? In MD it was $6 for a fifth and entirely palatable, especially with some bitters.
posted by domnit at 2:48 PM on July 4, 2013

I was a PBR partisan for a long time, then they raised the price at my local bar. Went from $1.25 to $3 a can, and it just wasn't worth it. But none of the replacements at a dollar were worth it, either. Blatz, Schlitz and Old Milwaukee were all wrong for various reasons (OM is too sweet, Blatz tastes like bad tap water, Schlitz had a weird aftertaste). I loved Huber, and I like it OK as Simpler Times, but the one I really miss is Black Label in bottles. We'd get 18-packs for $9 from the Blue Front (plus a buck for the deposit on the waxed cardboard case). I used to love Labatt, before they dropped the bottle size, and Moosejaw when they didn't jack up the price (both of those were always better than boring Molson).

Now it's mostly Tecate as the best of my options here, not least because it makes me feel like I'm at an art opening.
posted by klangklangston at 3:39 PM on July 4, 2013

Hoopo: "I don't get the PBR hate. The only adjective that comes to mind when I think PBR is "inoffensive". It is mild without being weak, zero aftertaste, not too sweet or bitter...it's actually pretty amazing in it's ability to be completely average in every way."

Speaking as a real-ale drinker and crashing beer snob (but I repeat myself) who has literally just now finished his first ever tallboy of Pabst Blue Ribbon, this is uncannily close to my own experience. There's not enough there there to feel strongly about PBR; it has a heart full of neutrality. (I see on its Wikipedia page that Charlie Papazian has in the past waxed lyrical about it, but even Homer nods.)

On the other hand, when consumed alone in a Richmond hotel room it pairs well with Rold Gold Thins, and gives one the courage to jump like this into shirty threads on the Blue, so they must be doing something right.
posted by Zeinab Badawi's Twenty Hotels at 5:00 PM on July 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's worth noting that Narragansett gives away a necktie in 12-packs around Father's Day. Now, if you can wear a tie that actually says it's from a beer company without fear of your status, and you are on the look-out for a new tie even at the packie, it suggests that you are higher-status or higher-caste than the usual Cheap Beer Drinker.

That says, the tie from a couple of years ago is actually one of my favorite ties.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:53 PM on July 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

Was at a picnic this afternoon and ended up drinking an Iron City after the Yuengling was gone and even cold on a hot summer day it's a truly shitty brew. Bleh.
posted by octothorpe at 8:14 PM on July 4, 2013

Yeah, I.C. Light is barely adequate, but Iron City proper is flat out lousy.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:53 PM on July 4, 2013

What, no Little Kings? It's a nice breakfast beer.
posted by cyndigo at 10:48 PM on July 4, 2013

minefield

One drinker's minefield is another drinker's goldmine.
posted by brennen at 8:22 AM on July 5, 2013

It's worth noting that Narragansett gives away a necktie in 12-packs around Father's Day

Nice, but not as nice as the old 'Gansett case, so well-built my Dad still has one he uses as a small filing cabinet (bought a pair of rails at whatever the late '70s/ early '80s equivalent of Stapels was-- maybe Lechmere).
posted by yerfatma at 8:57 AM on July 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's a nice breakfast beer.

The "bromosa": one part Pabst Blue Ribbon to one part orange juice.
posted by infinitywaltz at 9:03 AM on July 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

The "bromosa": one part Pabst Blue Ribbon to one part orange juice.

A local bar used to offer a "Mimosa" of High Life and Orange Juice, because it's the Champagne of Beers. I never ordered it because it sounded execrable, and because I take hardline stand against brunch drinking as a way of hiding the fact that I'm too hungover to drink on like 2/3 of weekend mornings.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 12:35 PM on July 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

ego: I hate Yuengling so much. It always tastes [and smells] skunked. And I've had a lot of it, because availability.

Um, the "skunked" odor/taste is caused by a particular chemical (that forms naturally in beer exposed to UV light), and isn't present in noticeable quantities in Yuengling (which is in a UV-opaque brown bottle, so even in fluorescent-lit displays is unlikely to ever skunk).

I understand if you don't like it (personal taste, eh), but I suspect what you're calling "skunked" is actually an ester from the particular yeast they used. FYI.

PSA: Never buy clear-bottled beer from near a window or in a fluorescent-lit display cooler. MGD is the exception - they remove the chemical that produces the skunk effect - but then if you buy MGD you may have other taste issues anyway.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:40 AM on July 6, 2013

C.A.S.: Just on percentages, the top one should be from Wisconsin.

From the "I threw more darts than anyone else, therefore I'm the world champion dart-thrower!" school of thought...
posted by IAmBroom at 10:45 AM on July 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yuengling Lager comes in green bottles, so skunking is a possibility, but there are always cans available instead. Or the 22oz brown bottles which are my favorite Yuengling delivery method.
posted by Drinky Die at 12:38 PM on July 6, 2013

Chug it and move on
posted by baniak at 12:40 PM on July 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

Chug it and move on

AHEM: "Flagon and move on."
posted by wenestvedt at 6:33 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Well, I only came back through this thread because I still had the tab open [hoarding problems], but I see one of the most recent comments directed at me. I doubt anyone'll see this before time runs out. Hello, future MeFites.

Regarding what I mean by skunking, I mean Yuengling tastes, and smells, like the ass end of a skunk on the defensive. I've seen Yuengling's black and tans in brown bottles, but the only containers I've had regular Yuengling Lager from are green bottles and kegs. And yeah, even the kegs tasted that way, so I suppose you're on to something with the yeast.
posted by ego at 3:48 PM on July 22, 2013