Reuters reports this is the funniest joke in the world.
December 20, 2001 8:04 AM Subscribe
Reuters reports this is the funniest joke in the world. This is the result of Laugh Lab, a British experiment. They had a survey and this is the announced winner. There's no accounting for taste, but surely we can do better.
The National Post: Few laugh in Canada. Men and women appreciate different types of jokes. Men like jokes that are aggressive, put women down or involve sexual innuendo. Women like wordplay. "These findings reflect fundamental differences in the ways in which males and females use humour," Dr. Wiseman said. "Males use humour to appear superior to others, while women are more linguistically skilled and prefer word puns."
posted by Carol Anne at 8:12 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by Carol Anne at 8:12 AM on December 20, 2001
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
posted by gazingus at 8:14 AM on December 20, 2001 [1 favorite]
posted by gazingus at 8:14 AM on December 20, 2001 [1 favorite]
I see two fatal and unfixable faults here:
1. This joke is not funny.
2. See number one.
posted by Blake at 8:23 AM on December 20, 2001
1. This joke is not funny.
2. See number one.
posted by Blake at 8:23 AM on December 20, 2001
It was doomed from the start....."Laugh Lab" ???? Jokes cant be genetically remastered, they are conceived naturally.
posted by Voyageman at 8:26 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by Voyageman at 8:26 AM on December 20, 2001
Hitler: My dog has no nose!
Nazi Soldier: How does it smell?
Hitler: Terrible!
posted by TacoConsumer at 8:36 AM on December 20, 2001
Nazi Soldier: How does it smell?
Hitler: Terrible!
posted by TacoConsumer at 8:36 AM on December 20, 2001
Twelve-inch pianists all over the world are vociferously protesting this news story.
posted by Skot at 8:38 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by Skot at 8:38 AM on December 20, 2001
that was my first thought skallas.
plus, you'd have to be an idiot to not see that punch line coming. jokes are supposed to suprise you. "pitched tent... looked up at stars" obviously the tent wasnt there anymore. duh. as an assignment in college i had to create some jokes. here goes.
which flowers like to kiss? tulips (two-lips)
which flowers are silly? daffodills (daffy-dills)
those are the only ones i remember. yeah college.
posted by sadie01221975 at 8:40 AM on December 20, 2001
plus, you'd have to be an idiot to not see that punch line coming. jokes are supposed to suprise you. "pitched tent... looked up at stars" obviously the tent wasnt there anymore. duh. as an assignment in college i had to create some jokes. here goes.
which flowers like to kiss? tulips (two-lips)
which flowers are silly? daffodills (daffy-dills)
those are the only ones i remember. yeah college.
posted by sadie01221975 at 8:40 AM on December 20, 2001
the REAL funniest joke in the world (from Eddie Murphy's "Delirious")...
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear looks over and says to the rabbit, "Excuse me, Mr. Rabbit, but do you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No," replies the rabbit. "I never have any problems with shit sticking to my fur."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
posted by UncleFes at 8:47 AM on December 20, 2001
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear looks over and says to the rabbit, "Excuse me, Mr. Rabbit, but do you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No," replies the rabbit. "I never have any problems with shit sticking to my fur."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
posted by UncleFes at 8:47 AM on December 20, 2001
That joke was about as clumsy as a punchline in a bad internet comic.
posted by jragon at 8:51 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by jragon at 8:51 AM on December 20, 2001
UncleFes, that's uncanny, I was itching to post that gag myself, but bottled out because it didn't look like this thread was going down the "my favourite gag is" route. Incidentally its rated number 4 at the site I linked to above.
posted by davehat at 8:56 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by davehat at 8:56 AM on December 20, 2001
When I was a kid, this was my farvorite joke. I liked it because when I told it to adults, they found me witty and clever beyond my years. Here goes:
Q: What do Monsters eat?
A: Things.
Q: What to Monsters drink?
A: Coke. Things go better with Coke.
(Don't get it? See 1963)
posted by jazon at 9:14 AM on December 20, 2001
Q: What do Monsters eat?
A: Things.
Q: What to Monsters drink?
A: Coke. Things go better with Coke.
(Don't get it? See 1963)
posted by jazon at 9:14 AM on December 20, 2001
I think favorite punch line is better:
"My only question is, what did the chicken do?"
Seriously, this poll explains the quality of internet joke forwards. Somewhere out there people are wetting themselves laughing. "Stole our tent! HAHAHA!"
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:19 AM on December 20, 2001
"My only question is, what did the chicken do?"
Seriously, this poll explains the quality of internet joke forwards. Somewhere out there people are wetting themselves laughing. "Stole our tent! HAHAHA!"
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:19 AM on December 20, 2001
Jokes cant be genetically remastered, they are conceived naturally.
You know, I've always wanted to set up a website where strings of text are presented to users (initially meaningless), and they could vote on the humor content of the string. If it had humor value, then it spawned children, and they would be voted upon... and we would essentially "grow" a joke - or a set of jokes.
From Carol Anne's article:
The worst jokes, with 74% of people awarding them the lowest rating, are:
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
That's because what's left unsaid is the follow-up joke (read punchline)...
Q: Why'd [friend or acquaintance of the joke teller] cross the road?
A: Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!
A rather stupid joke, but it had me rolling. I guess I'm just trying to feel superior to others.
posted by SilentSalamander at 9:20 AM on December 20, 2001
You know, I've always wanted to set up a website where strings of text are presented to users (initially meaningless), and they could vote on the humor content of the string. If it had humor value, then it spawned children, and they would be voted upon... and we would essentially "grow" a joke - or a set of jokes.
From Carol Anne's article:
The worst jokes, with 74% of people awarding them the lowest rating, are:
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
That's because what's left unsaid is the follow-up joke (read punchline)...
Q: Why'd [friend or acquaintance of the joke teller] cross the road?
A: Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!
A rather stupid joke, but it had me rolling. I guess I'm just trying to feel superior to others.
posted by SilentSalamander at 9:20 AM on December 20, 2001
My favorite punchline: "It is chickenshit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
posted by ColdChef at 9:24 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by ColdChef at 9:24 AM on December 20, 2001
"...the joke was the most popular among 10,000 submitted, being chosen as the best by 47 percent of the 100,000 people..."
Bullshit.
There's only one way for these numbers to happen: The joke was the first of a long list AND the next five on the list really sucked.
Hitler: What's brown and sticky?
Nazi Soldier: I don't know.
Hitler: A stick!
posted by etc. at 9:24 AM on December 20, 2001
Bullshit.
There's only one way for these numbers to happen: The joke was the first of a long list AND the next five on the list really sucked.
Hitler: What's brown and sticky?
Nazi Soldier: I don't know.
Hitler: A stick!
posted by etc. at 9:24 AM on December 20, 2001
A priest, a rabbi and the Dalai Lama walk into a bar and order drinks.
The bartender says to them, "Great, is this another lame joke?"
posted by eyeballkid at 9:28 AM on December 20, 2001
The bartender says to them, "Great, is this another lame joke?"
posted by eyeballkid at 9:28 AM on December 20, 2001
ha! That's hilarious etc.
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:30 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by Kafkaesque at 9:30 AM on December 20, 2001
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
posted by badstone at 9:33 AM on December 20, 2001
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
posted by badstone at 9:33 AM on December 20, 2001
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says "What can I get for ya?", and the seal replies "Anything but the Canadian Club."
posted by Shadowkeeper at 9:38 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by Shadowkeeper at 9:38 AM on December 20, 2001
A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender shouts, "Hey! We don't serve food here!"
posted by ColdChef at 9:39 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by ColdChef at 9:39 AM on December 20, 2001
Mushroom walks into a bar, sits next to a beautiful woman. Mushroom says, "Hey, baby. Wanna fuck?" Woman says, "No way!" "C'mon" the mushroom says, "I'm a fun guy."
posted by ColdChef at 9:41 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by ColdChef at 9:41 AM on December 20, 2001
badstone, i liked it better when it starts out "Celine Dion walks into a bar."
posted by tolkhan at 9:42 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by tolkhan at 9:42 AM on December 20, 2001
badstone - I'm with you on that one. It still cracks me up every time I tell it, let alone hear it.
posted by Mrmuhnrmuh at 9:46 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by Mrmuhnrmuh at 9:46 AM on December 20, 2001
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a gin and tonic?"
The bartender says, "For you? No charge."
posted by etc. at 9:47 AM on December 20, 2001
The bartender says, "For you? No charge."
posted by etc. at 9:47 AM on December 20, 2001
Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted.
posted by jbelshaw at 9:50 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by jbelshaw at 9:50 AM on December 20, 2001
Two guys are chatting in the lockerroom after a workout, and one says to the other "Okay, let me ask you a question. If you could have sex with any woman, living or dead, who would it be?"
And the second guy thinks for a moment, and then says "Hmmm. I would have to say: Britney Spears, dead."
posted by Shadowkeeper at 9:58 AM on December 20, 2001
And the second guy thinks for a moment, and then says "Hmmm. I would have to say: Britney Spears, dead."
posted by Shadowkeeper at 9:58 AM on December 20, 2001
A set of fonts walks into a bar.
Barman: Sorry, we don't want your type in here.
posted by Mocata at 9:59 AM on December 20, 2001
Barman: Sorry, we don't want your type in here.
posted by Mocata at 9:59 AM on December 20, 2001
Here's that sick squid I owe you.
Lemon entry, my dear Watson.
posted by Mocata at 10:01 AM on December 20, 2001
Lemon entry, my dear Watson.
posted by Mocata at 10:01 AM on December 20, 2001
I got to the url before I realized that joke was over with. anyhow, the best way to improve something is to lead by example, so here goes:
so this guy delivering star wars episode 1 action figures pulls up to his first stop. he gets a box of action figures out of the back of his truck and goes in side to confirm the order. but while he's talking to the manager, a nerd zips by the box, grabs it, and zips off.
delivery guy: aw hell! thats the second time thats happened to me today!
manager: well, you know, today is the first day of nerd hunting season, you can shoot them if you want.
delivery guy: f'shizzy?
manager: straight up! I shot six of them just this morning.
so the delivery guy lets that little tidbit of info bubble in his brain while he's going down a country road to his next stop. in fact, he's so preoccupied with the thought that he doesn't see a deer crossing the road up ahead of him, and swerves to miss it only to flip his truck in a field. as he gets out to survey the damage, he hears rustling in the woods and turns to see a small team of nerds bum rushing the spilled boxes. so the delivery guy gets his rifle out of the cab and BLAM BLAM BLAM starts shooting the nerds.
presently, a cop pulls up.
cop: what in the hell are you doing?
delivery guy: oh, it's cool, this is nerd hunting season.
cop yeah, but you can't bait them like that!
posted by mcsweetie at 10:10 AM on December 20, 2001
so this guy delivering star wars episode 1 action figures pulls up to his first stop. he gets a box of action figures out of the back of his truck and goes in side to confirm the order. but while he's talking to the manager, a nerd zips by the box, grabs it, and zips off.
delivery guy: aw hell! thats the second time thats happened to me today!
manager: well, you know, today is the first day of nerd hunting season, you can shoot them if you want.
delivery guy: f'shizzy?
manager: straight up! I shot six of them just this morning.
so the delivery guy lets that little tidbit of info bubble in his brain while he's going down a country road to his next stop. in fact, he's so preoccupied with the thought that he doesn't see a deer crossing the road up ahead of him, and swerves to miss it only to flip his truck in a field. as he gets out to survey the damage, he hears rustling in the woods and turns to see a small team of nerds bum rushing the spilled boxes. so the delivery guy gets his rifle out of the cab and BLAM BLAM BLAM starts shooting the nerds.
presently, a cop pulls up.
cop: what in the hell are you doing?
delivery guy: oh, it's cool, this is nerd hunting season.
cop yeah, but you can't bait them like that!
posted by mcsweetie at 10:10 AM on December 20, 2001
Hey, did you hear about the pirate movie?
It's rated AAAARRRRRRRHHHHH!
posted by starvingartist at 10:14 AM on December 20, 2001
It's rated AAAARRRRRRRHHHHH!
posted by starvingartist at 10:14 AM on December 20, 2001
A termite walks into a bar and asks: "is the bar tender here?"
posted by kahboom at 10:16 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by kahboom at 10:16 AM on December 20, 2001
Crap! etc. got it first. That's what I get for not refreshing a thread after a smoke break.....
posted by brand-gnu at 10:22 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by brand-gnu at 10:22 AM on December 20, 2001
Do you know what the funniest zombie joke in the world is?
BRAAAINS!
posted by spnx at 10:25 AM on December 20, 2001
BRAAAINS!
posted by spnx at 10:25 AM on December 20, 2001
Here's a book by a college professor of mine. It's about the the philosophy of jokes [no amazon affilate crap here!]. It's pretty good.
Some of you guys should read it.
posted by zpousman at 10:29 AM on December 20, 2001
Some of you guys should read it.
posted by zpousman at 10:29 AM on December 20, 2001
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.
posted by ColdChef at 10:30 AM on December 20, 2001
A fish.
posted by ColdChef at 10:30 AM on December 20, 2001
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he's drinking it he's looking around the bar and he notices a large gorilla at the very end of the bar, placidly eating peanuts from a bowl. He motions to the bartender.
Guy: Hey, what's up with the gorilla?
Bartender: Oh, this is great! Watch this, you'll love it!
The bartender pulls a beer and slides it down the bar at the gorilla. Just as it seems the beer will smash into the wall, the gorilla lunges at the glass, grabs it, and downs the beer in one gulp. Then he leaps over the bar and comes charging, roaring, at the bartender. The bartender quickly grabs a baseball bat and smacks the gorilla right between the eyes. The gorilla stops dead in his tracks, drops to his knees, and gives the bartender a blow job. Then the gorilla goes back to his place at the end of the bar and begins eating peanuts again. The bartender grins at the guy.
Guy: Wow, that was amazing!
Bartender: Yeah! You want to try?
Guy: OK, but don't hit me so hard with the baseball bat.
posted by starvingartist at 10:38 AM on December 20, 2001
Guy: Hey, what's up with the gorilla?
Bartender: Oh, this is great! Watch this, you'll love it!
The bartender pulls a beer and slides it down the bar at the gorilla. Just as it seems the beer will smash into the wall, the gorilla lunges at the glass, grabs it, and downs the beer in one gulp. Then he leaps over the bar and comes charging, roaring, at the bartender. The bartender quickly grabs a baseball bat and smacks the gorilla right between the eyes. The gorilla stops dead in his tracks, drops to his knees, and gives the bartender a blow job. Then the gorilla goes back to his place at the end of the bar and begins eating peanuts again. The bartender grins at the guy.
Guy: Wow, that was amazing!
Bartender: Yeah! You want to try?
Guy: OK, but don't hit me so hard with the baseball bat.
posted by starvingartist at 10:38 AM on December 20, 2001
From the back of a popsicle stick:
Q: What kind of disks do pigs use?
A: SLOPPY DISKS!
GET IT?!? CAUSE THEY"RE PIGS!! THEY'RE JUST DIRTY DIRTY PIGS!
i want to get hired by Popsicle and make Popsicle-brand popsicles.
posted by fishfucker at 10:43 AM on December 20, 2001
Q: What kind of disks do pigs use?
A: SLOPPY DISKS!
GET IT?!? CAUSE THEY"RE PIGS!! THEY'RE JUST DIRTY DIRTY PIGS!
i want to get hired by Popsicle and make Popsicle-brand popsicles.
posted by fishfucker at 10:43 AM on December 20, 2001
A grasshopper hops into a bar.
The bartender says to the grasshopper, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named 'Bob?'"
...Thank you, thank you. Remember to tip your waitress.
posted by Down10 at 10:47 AM on December 20, 2001
The bartender says to the grasshopper, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named 'Bob?'"
...Thank you, thank you. Remember to tip your waitress.
posted by Down10 at 10:47 AM on December 20, 2001
so a pirate walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. the bartender notices that the pirate has a captain's wheel down his pants. he says to the pirate, "hey, do you know you have a captain's wheel down your pants? doesn't it hurt?"
and the pirate says, "arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
posted by bluishorange at 10:54 AM on December 20, 2001
and the pirate says, "arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
posted by bluishorange at 10:54 AM on December 20, 2001
A guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend sitting on the porch, crying.
"What's wrong, honey?"
"I'm leaving you! I just found out you're a pedophile!!!"
"Pedophile?!? Why, that's a pretty big word for a ten-year old..."
posted by Dirjy at 10:58 AM on December 20, 2001
"What's wrong, honey?"
"I'm leaving you! I just found out you're a pedophile!!!"
"Pedophile?!? Why, that's a pretty big word for a ten-year old..."
posted by Dirjy at 10:58 AM on December 20, 2001
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender looks and him and says "Get out of here. We don't serve your kind." The string leaves and goes to a second bar with the same result. The string goes outside, musses up his hair and ties himself all up. He then goes back into the first bar where the bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out of here?" to which the string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
posted by gazingus at 11:04 AM on December 20, 2001
posted by gazingus at 11:04 AM on December 20, 2001
Two neutrons walk into each other on the sidewalk.
One shouts, "damn, I've lost an electron!"
The other one replies, "you sure?"
The first one replies, "yeah, I'm positive!"
posted by mau at 11:10 AM on December 20, 2001
One shouts, "damn, I've lost an electron!"
The other one replies, "you sure?"
The first one replies, "yeah, I'm positive!"
posted by mau at 11:10 AM on December 20, 2001
can't believe it took this long for that goddamned string to show up. OK, here's my current fave, from McSweeneys:
A boy is walking down the street when he notices his grandpa sitting in his rocking chair on the front porch, wearing nothing from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the boy asks.
The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" the boy inquires. Without missing a beat, the old man retorts: "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. So, this is your grandma's idea!"
The air is still, and in the distance, a car horn can be heard.
The boy does not say anything, just stares at his grandfather's aged, sickeningly white penis. After a few moments, the boy takes a bite out of his peanut-butter sandwich, waves goodbye, and leaves for his friend Jeffrey's house.
______________
That one cracks me up every time.
posted by luser at 11:18 AM on December 20, 2001
A boy is walking down the street when he notices his grandpa sitting in his rocking chair on the front porch, wearing nothing from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the boy asks.
The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" the boy inquires. Without missing a beat, the old man retorts: "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. So, this is your grandma's idea!"
The air is still, and in the distance, a car horn can be heard.
The boy does not say anything, just stares at his grandfather's aged, sickeningly white penis. After a few moments, the boy takes a bite out of his peanut-butter sandwich, waves goodbye, and leaves for his friend Jeffrey's house.
______________
That one cracks me up every time.
posted by luser at 11:18 AM on December 20, 2001
A punchline that has been stuck in my head for longer than I can remember:
Well, it's not as bad as cousin Bisquick.
If anybody knows the set up, PLEASE post.
Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: He was safety-pinned to the chicken.
posted by Su at 11:19 AM on December 20, 2001
Well, it's not as bad as cousin Bisquick.
If anybody knows the set up, PLEASE post.
Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: He was safety-pinned to the chicken.
posted by Su at 11:19 AM on December 20, 2001
Blonde calls up the fire department.
Blonde: Help! My house is on fire!
Dispatcher: OK Ma'am... how do we get there?
Blonde: (pause)... Big red truck, duh!
posted by SilentSalamander at 11:35 AM on December 20, 2001
Blonde: Help! My house is on fire!
Dispatcher: OK Ma'am... how do we get there?
Blonde: (pause)... Big red truck, duh!
posted by SilentSalamander at 11:35 AM on December 20, 2001
this joke works best when read aloud. it is the only joke I know.
a panda walks into a bar, asks for a sandwhich. he sits down, eats the sandwhich. he then pulls out a gun, which he proceeds to use to shoot up the bar, before getting up and heading for the door.
the bartender yells out, "hey, what are you doing? you can't shoot up the bar like that!"
panda: "yes I can. I'm a panda; look it up."
whereupon the bartender pulls the dictionary out from under the bar and looks up....
"panda: large mammal, native of China. eats shoots and leaves."
posted by epersonae at 11:40 AM on December 20, 2001
a panda walks into a bar, asks for a sandwhich. he sits down, eats the sandwhich. he then pulls out a gun, which he proceeds to use to shoot up the bar, before getting up and heading for the door.
the bartender yells out, "hey, what are you doing? you can't shoot up the bar like that!"
panda: "yes I can. I'm a panda; look it up."
whereupon the bartender pulls the dictionary out from under the bar and looks up....
"panda: large mammal, native of China. eats shoots and leaves."
posted by epersonae at 11:40 AM on December 20, 2001
What do you call a dyslexic, agonistic insomniac?
Somebody who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
posted by willnot at 11:50 AM on December 20, 2001
Somebody who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
posted by willnot at 11:50 AM on December 20, 2001
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on him.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Q: The tame way.
posted by alumshubby at 11:50 AM on December 20, 2001
A: Unique up on him.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Q: The tame way.
posted by alumshubby at 11:50 AM on December 20, 2001
Q. How do you kill a circus?
A. Go for the juggler.
posted by holloway at 11:57 AM on December 20, 2001
A. Go for the juggler.
posted by holloway at 11:57 AM on December 20, 2001
What's the difference between a herd of elephants and a bunch of grapes?
Grapes are purple.
Why don't tigers eat clowns?
They taste funny.
What did the Lone Ranger say when he saw his horse approaching?
Here comes my horse.
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
What did Tarzan say when he saw an elephant approaching?
Here comes a grape (he was colorblind).
posted by etc. at 12:00 PM on December 20, 2001
Grapes are purple.
Why don't tigers eat clowns?
They taste funny.
What did the Lone Ranger say when he saw his horse approaching?
Here comes my horse.
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
What did Tarzan say when he saw an elephant approaching?
Here comes a grape (he was colorblind).
posted by etc. at 12:00 PM on December 20, 2001
At an outdoor music festival, the orchestra's been performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Before the final movement, there's a short intermission, and the conductor leaves the podium briefly. Seeing this, the four bass viol players sneak off the stage and over to the bar to down a few quick shots before returning to play the final "Ode to Joy."
Meanwhile, there's a strong breeze beginning to blow, and some of the sheet music is coming off the stands. Ushers quickly bring twine to the stage to tie down the pages to the stands so they won't blow away.
Just as they're finishing this, the four bass players come back from competing to see who can drink the most the quickest. They're already so plastered that they collapse heavily onto their chairs onstage; within moments, two of them are asleep.
And just then, the conductor returns to his podium, picks up his baton, looks around, and finds, to his dismay, that...
It's the bottom of the Ninth, the basses are loaded with two out, and the scores tied.
posted by alumshubby at 12:08 PM on December 20, 2001
Meanwhile, there's a strong breeze beginning to blow, and some of the sheet music is coming off the stands. Ushers quickly bring twine to the stage to tie down the pages to the stands so they won't blow away.
Just as they're finishing this, the four bass players come back from competing to see who can drink the most the quickest. They're already so plastered that they collapse heavily onto their chairs onstage; within moments, two of them are asleep.
And just then, the conductor returns to his podium, picks up his baton, looks around, and finds, to his dismay, that...
It's the bottom of the Ninth, the basses are loaded with two out, and the scores tied.
posted by alumshubby at 12:08 PM on December 20, 2001
willnot, that would be agnostic, not agonistic.
A blonde, a readhead and a brunette are walking down the street, and a really good-looking guy with dandruff walks by in the other direction.
"That guy was hot!" says the redhead.
"Yeah, but he looked like he could use some Head and Shoulders," says the brunette.
They walk on for a minute, then the blonde says,
"How do you give a guy shoulders?"
posted by me3dia at 12:12 PM on December 20, 2001
A blonde, a readhead and a brunette are walking down the street, and a really good-looking guy with dandruff walks by in the other direction.
"That guy was hot!" says the redhead.
"Yeah, but he looked like he could use some Head and Shoulders," says the brunette.
They walk on for a minute, then the blonde says,
"How do you give a guy shoulders?"
posted by me3dia at 12:12 PM on December 20, 2001
Farmer Brown had a henhouse full of chickens, all producing eggs. One day he went into the henhouse, gathered up all the eggs into a basket, and was going to market to sell them when he tripped on the doorsill and fell on the basket, shattering all the eggs.
The moral? Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Farmer Smith had more eggs than he needed, so he decided to sell his eggs at market, promising that they would all hatch into chickens. Being a good salesman, he sold all of the eggs. Weeks later, however, he was forced to return every penny because none of the eggs would hatch.
The moral? Don't count your chickens before they've hatched.
Uncle Joe was a paratrooper in the war. On the way down during a drop, he drank a whole bottle of brandy. When he landed, he killed 25 of the enemy with his machine gun, another 30 with his hand grenades, and 15 more with his bare hands.
The moral?
Don't mess with Uncle Joe when he's been drinkin'.
posted by starvingartist at 12:14 PM on December 20, 2001
The moral? Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Farmer Smith had more eggs than he needed, so he decided to sell his eggs at market, promising that they would all hatch into chickens. Being a good salesman, he sold all of the eggs. Weeks later, however, he was forced to return every penny because none of the eggs would hatch.
The moral? Don't count your chickens before they've hatched.
Uncle Joe was a paratrooper in the war. On the way down during a drop, he drank a whole bottle of brandy. When he landed, he killed 25 of the enemy with his machine gun, another 30 with his hand grenades, and 15 more with his bare hands.
The moral?
Don't mess with Uncle Joe when he's been drinkin'.
posted by starvingartist at 12:14 PM on December 20, 2001
Man walks into a bar, and the barman says to him "I bet you can't get that meat down from the ceiling". The guy says "No way, I'm not going to take that bet". The barman asks him why not and the man replies "Because the steaks are too high".
posted by astro38 at 12:18 PM on December 20, 2001
posted by astro38 at 12:18 PM on December 20, 2001
Question: What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Answer: Nacho cheese!
posted by Badmichelle at 12:21 PM on December 20, 2001
Answer: Nacho cheese!
posted by Badmichelle at 12:21 PM on December 20, 2001
Okay, this is long, but it was cracking me up yesterday -
A Tale of Two Cows:
---------------------------
CHRISTIAN: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
MICROSOFT: You buy the rights to two cows. You 'upgrade' them until they're bloated, unproductive and will only survive on MicrosoftFeed (tm). The milk they give can only be drunk from MicrosoftCups (tm) - Annoyingly, they keep getting a virus and dying.
APPLE: You have two cows. They're translucent! You can see all the guts and stuff. The cows cost more than other cows, but goddamn if they aren't the best-looking cows around.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows, but the milkmaid charges too much to milk them. You sell both cows, lay off the milkmaid, and move to mexico, where you can buy 100 cows and 20 milkmaids with the money and export it back to the States.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take your cows
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are an eleventh the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you're not sure where they are. You'll look for them tomorrow.
SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
TALIBAN ORGANIZATION: You have two cows. You load them up with explosives and herd them onto your neighbor's property where you blow them up. Your neighbor dies. You starve to death.
FREE AGENT: You have two cows. Despite the constant attention you pay them, there are frequent dry spells during which they don't give milk.
PINK SLIPPER: You have two cows. Suddenly they become a liability and you're forced to sell them on Ebay to pay your exorbitant rent.
DOT-COMMER: You have two cows. A week later you have two thousand cows. A week later you have none.
ENTREPRENEUR: You have two cows. You develop and launch tucows.com.
VENTURE CAPITALIST: You have two cows. You give them to the entrepreneur (see above).
CEO: You think you have two cows. You actually have two sheep, but no one's got the guts to tell you.
ANGEL INVESTOR: You have two cows. You give one to a start-up. The cow produces no milk. You exercise your exit option and get your cow back.
START-UP: You have two cows; your press release describes that as an IPO fast track.
START-UP II v2: You have two cows and 20 million in funding. publicly you promise 50 million gallons a year within two years, but privately you're still debating where the udders are and what they do.
DESIGNER: You have two cows. You move the udders to the side and paint them fluorescent yellow, hoping that will make the milking process more intuitive and fun.
PROGRAMMER: You have two cows. One keeps tipping over, yet nobody is pushing it. The other fails to yield any milk, despite being in good health. You spend nearly every waking minute trying to determine what is wrong with your cows and fixing them.
FILE SHARERS: You have two cows. You share clones of them with all the other herders in the pasture. The courts order the pasture closed for violating the copyright laws.
3D ARTISTS: We make our cows from scratch. They do what we want.
OPEN SOURCE: You have two cows. You invite other herders to improve your cows. You have two cows that are better than before.
GEORGE W. BUSH: One of your daddy's friends gives you two cows ...
NATIVE AMERICAN: You don't own two cows.
BUDDHIST: You are two cows.
ZEN: There are no cows.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
posted by kokogiak at 12:22 PM on December 20, 2001
A Tale of Two Cows:
---------------------------
CHRISTIAN: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
MICROSOFT: You buy the rights to two cows. You 'upgrade' them until they're bloated, unproductive and will only survive on MicrosoftFeed (tm). The milk they give can only be drunk from MicrosoftCups (tm) - Annoyingly, they keep getting a virus and dying.
APPLE: You have two cows. They're translucent! You can see all the guts and stuff. The cows cost more than other cows, but goddamn if they aren't the best-looking cows around.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows, but the milkmaid charges too much to milk them. You sell both cows, lay off the milkmaid, and move to mexico, where you can buy 100 cows and 20 milkmaids with the money and export it back to the States.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take your cows
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are an eleventh the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you're not sure where they are. You'll look for them tomorrow.
SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
TALIBAN ORGANIZATION: You have two cows. You load them up with explosives and herd them onto your neighbor's property where you blow them up. Your neighbor dies. You starve to death.
FREE AGENT: You have two cows. Despite the constant attention you pay them, there are frequent dry spells during which they don't give milk.
PINK SLIPPER: You have two cows. Suddenly they become a liability and you're forced to sell them on Ebay to pay your exorbitant rent.
DOT-COMMER: You have two cows. A week later you have two thousand cows. A week later you have none.
ENTREPRENEUR: You have two cows. You develop and launch tucows.com.
VENTURE CAPITALIST: You have two cows. You give them to the entrepreneur (see above).
CEO: You think you have two cows. You actually have two sheep, but no one's got the guts to tell you.
ANGEL INVESTOR: You have two cows. You give one to a start-up. The cow produces no milk. You exercise your exit option and get your cow back.
START-UP: You have two cows; your press release describes that as an IPO fast track.
START-UP II v2: You have two cows and 20 million in funding. publicly you promise 50 million gallons a year within two years, but privately you're still debating where the udders are and what they do.
DESIGNER: You have two cows. You move the udders to the side and paint them fluorescent yellow, hoping that will make the milking process more intuitive and fun.
PROGRAMMER: You have two cows. One keeps tipping over, yet nobody is pushing it. The other fails to yield any milk, despite being in good health. You spend nearly every waking minute trying to determine what is wrong with your cows and fixing them.
FILE SHARERS: You have two cows. You share clones of them with all the other herders in the pasture. The courts order the pasture closed for violating the copyright laws.
3D ARTISTS: We make our cows from scratch. They do what we want.
OPEN SOURCE: You have two cows. You invite other herders to improve your cows. You have two cows that are better than before.
GEORGE W. BUSH: One of your daddy's friends gives you two cows ...
NATIVE AMERICAN: You don't own two cows.
BUDDHIST: You are two cows.
ZEN: There are no cows.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
posted by kokogiak at 12:22 PM on December 20, 2001
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
And my all time favorite bar joke (because I made it up):
(best if read aloud to an expecting audience)
A mute guy goes into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says
posted by krakedhalo at 12:40 PM on December 20, 2001
And my all time favorite bar joke (because I made it up):
(best if read aloud to an expecting audience)
A mute guy goes into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says
posted by krakedhalo at 12:40 PM on December 20, 2001
And my all time favorite bar joke (because I made it up) ...
Oh, are we doing jokes we made up now?
Three musical instruments are sitting at a bar. The first one says "You know, I don't want to brag, but I'm a drum, and not only was I the first instrument in the history of the world, but percussion is essentially the backbone of all modern music."
The second instrument says "Oh yeah?! Well I'm a guitar, and, let's face it, there wouldn't be such a thing as 'modern music' without me. You can't turn on the radio these days without hearing me."
And the third music instrument says "Big deal! I'm a piano, and most of the classical compositions were written with me in mind. Not only that, but I am the basis for the keyboard, used in contemporary music worldwide!"
Well, the first musical instrument looks the third up and down, and then says "What the hell are you talking about? You're not a piano, you're a small stringed instrument, like a harp or something."
At which the third instruments leaps off his stool and bellows "Are you callin' me a lyre?!"
posted by Shadowkeeper at 12:52 PM on December 20, 2001 [1 favorite]
Oh, are we doing jokes we made up now?
Three musical instruments are sitting at a bar. The first one says "You know, I don't want to brag, but I'm a drum, and not only was I the first instrument in the history of the world, but percussion is essentially the backbone of all modern music."
The second instrument says "Oh yeah?! Well I'm a guitar, and, let's face it, there wouldn't be such a thing as 'modern music' without me. You can't turn on the radio these days without hearing me."
And the third music instrument says "Big deal! I'm a piano, and most of the classical compositions were written with me in mind. Not only that, but I am the basis for the keyboard, used in contemporary music worldwide!"
Well, the first musical instrument looks the third up and down, and then says "What the hell are you talking about? You're not a piano, you're a small stringed instrument, like a harp or something."
At which the third instruments leaps off his stool and bellows "Are you callin' me a lyre?!"
posted by Shadowkeeper at 12:52 PM on December 20, 2001 [1 favorite]
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
I'm pretty sure I've heard that one before.
posted by ColdChef at 12:58 PM on December 20, 2001
I'm pretty sure I've heard that one before.
posted by ColdChef at 12:58 PM on December 20, 2001
A leper is informed by his doctor that he has 24 hours left to live. Yet, instead of crying his life away, he chooses to catch a drink at the local bar.
The waitress walks up, vomits everywhere. The leper, slightly embarassed, offers to leave. "No no no," says the waitress, "just let me get cleaned up, I'll take your order."
The waitress tries againto serve the leper, but with the same results. The leper screams "I only have 24 hours left to live! I don't need this!" To which the waitress exclaims "It's not you! It's the guys behind you dipping their potato chips into your back!"
_______________________________________________
The pope walks into a bar and orders a water. Sitting at a table in the corner are all seven dwarves.
Dopey walks up to the Pope and asks "Hey, P. Diddy, are there any midget nuns in the Vatican?" The Pope answers "None that I know of." Dopey walks back to te table, tells everybody this, and they all have a good laugh, except for Grumpy, who is, well... grumpy.
Sleepy somnambules up to the Pope and asks "Hey Pope-eye, are tyhere any midget nuns in Europe?" The Pope thinks for a minute, and answers "None whatsoever." Sleepy goes back to his table, tells everybody this, and they're all laughing. Except for Grumpy, whose face is deep red and shaking.
Doc walks up to the Pope and says "Hey Johnny, are there any midget nuns in the world?" To which the Pope responds "I am the most travelled Pope in all of Popedom. I must say that there are no midget nuns in this world. But let me ask you a question -- Why is this so funny?"
Doc, barely able to contain himself, screams "We think Grumpy might've fucked a penguin."
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 1:02 PM on December 20, 2001
The waitress walks up, vomits everywhere. The leper, slightly embarassed, offers to leave. "No no no," says the waitress, "just let me get cleaned up, I'll take your order."
The waitress tries againto serve the leper, but with the same results. The leper screams "I only have 24 hours left to live! I don't need this!" To which the waitress exclaims "It's not you! It's the guys behind you dipping their potato chips into your back!"
_______________________________________________
The pope walks into a bar and orders a water. Sitting at a table in the corner are all seven dwarves.
Dopey walks up to the Pope and asks "Hey, P. Diddy, are there any midget nuns in the Vatican?" The Pope answers "None that I know of." Dopey walks back to te table, tells everybody this, and they all have a good laugh, except for Grumpy, who is, well... grumpy.
Sleepy somnambules up to the Pope and asks "Hey Pope-eye, are tyhere any midget nuns in Europe?" The Pope thinks for a minute, and answers "None whatsoever." Sleepy goes back to his table, tells everybody this, and they're all laughing. Except for Grumpy, whose face is deep red and shaking.
Doc walks up to the Pope and says "Hey Johnny, are there any midget nuns in the world?" To which the Pope responds "I am the most travelled Pope in all of Popedom. I must say that there are no midget nuns in this world. But let me ask you a question -- Why is this so funny?"
Doc, barely able to contain himself, screams "We think Grumpy might've fucked a penguin."
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 1:02 PM on December 20, 2001
Well, if we're doing our own jokes, too:
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buck an ear.
How do cartoonists like their eggs?
Scribbled.
What did Patrick Henry say when he entered the whorehouse?
Give me Libbey, or give me Beth!
posted by me3dia at 1:14 PM on December 20, 2001
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buck an ear.
How do cartoonists like their eggs?
Scribbled.
What did Patrick Henry say when he entered the whorehouse?
Give me Libbey, or give me Beth!
posted by me3dia at 1:14 PM on December 20, 2001
A man walks into the doctor's office. He has a carrot stuck in one ear, a piece of celery stuck in the other, and a pea stuck in each nostril. He says, “Doc, you gotta help me!”
The doctor says, “Well, son, you're not eating properly.”
posted by transient at 1:20 PM on December 20, 2001
The doctor says, “Well, son, you're not eating properly.”
posted by transient at 1:20 PM on December 20, 2001
What's a bigamist?
Fog over Naples.
No, really. What's a bigamist?
A guy who wants to have his Kate and Edith too.
posted by alumshubby at 1:27 PM on December 20, 2001
Fog over Naples.
No, really. What's a bigamist?
A guy who wants to have his Kate and Edith too.
posted by alumshubby at 1:27 PM on December 20, 2001
A man boards a plane and finds that he's seated next to the Pope, who's working on a crossword puzzle. As he sits down, the Pope asks, "Say...do you know a four letter word for woman that ends in U-N-T?"
The man comes up with the answer, but is desperately trying to think of another word so he doesn't have to say that to the pope. He's getting nervous and starting to sweat when it comes to him. "Aunt! The word is aunt!"
The Pope says, "Ah, yes! Do you have an eraser?"
posted by hootch at 1:37 PM on December 20, 2001
The man comes up with the answer, but is desperately trying to think of another word so he doesn't have to say that to the pope. He's getting nervous and starting to sweat when it comes to him. "Aunt! The word is aunt!"
The Pope says, "Ah, yes! Do you have an eraser?"
posted by hootch at 1:37 PM on December 20, 2001
Why did the Walrus go to the Tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.
posted by FL0YD at 1:47 PM on December 20, 2001
He was looking for a tight seal.
posted by FL0YD at 1:47 PM on December 20, 2001
A cowboy walks into a bar. The first thing that everyone notices is that he’s dressed in brown wrapping paper. Head to foot, from his ten-gallon hat to his spurs, entirely dressed in paper. Not only that, someone notices that his horse has a paper saddle, paper bridle, everything, all brown paper.
Needless to say, he's arrested for rustlin’.
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:47 PM on December 20, 2001
Needless to say, he's arrested for rustlin’.
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:47 PM on December 20, 2001
My brother's favorite joke is:
Him: "knock knock"
You: "who's there?"
Him: "interrupting cow"
You: "interrupting cow wh-"
Him: MOO!
posted by eckeric at 1:48 PM on December 20, 2001
Him: "knock knock"
You: "who's there?"
Him: "interrupting cow"
You: "interrupting cow wh-"
Him: MOO!
posted by eckeric at 1:48 PM on December 20, 2001
The Queen of England is being shown around a modern American hospital. Her tour group walks past a bed where a man is masturbating furiously.
"OH! What's going on here?" The Queen asks. The doctor leading the tour says "Well, this man has a rare problem. His testicles fill with fluid, and he must masturbate frequently to relieve the pressure, otherwise his testicles will explode and he will die."
"Ohhh." The tour continues, and on the next floor the group walks past a nurse bent over a hospital bed giving a patient a blowjob.
"OH! What’s going on here?" asks the Queen.
The doctor replies "Same problem, better health plan."
posted by Ty Webb at 2:08 PM on December 20, 2001
"OH! What's going on here?" The Queen asks. The doctor leading the tour says "Well, this man has a rare problem. His testicles fill with fluid, and he must masturbate frequently to relieve the pressure, otherwise his testicles will explode and he will die."
"Ohhh." The tour continues, and on the next floor the group walks past a nurse bent over a hospital bed giving a patient a blowjob.
"OH! What’s going on here?" asks the Queen.
The doctor replies "Same problem, better health plan."
posted by Ty Webb at 2:08 PM on December 20, 2001
So this seven-year-old kid's walking down the street to school when a crazy man goes running by, panting and being chased by townspeople with torches and rakes and shovels and implements of destruction. The guy stops for a second, and turns to the kid.
"Hey, kid," he says, "you want to learn a new word?"
Now, the kid's still young, and the public school system hasn't yet sucked away his natural love of learning, so even though he's a bit scared of this crazy man, he says, "S-sure."
And so the man looks him straight in the eye and says "W*bbie. You got that kid, w*bbie." The kid nods and says it back to him, and the guy runs on, the townspeople run on after him, and the kid starts walking to school again.
He gets there and sits through first period, and second period is spelling and vocabulary, so the teacher starts it out like she usually does by asking the kids if they've learned any new words. Now, little Mikey (The kid's Mikey. This is a joke about Mikey.), who, as you may later discover, is not the brightest of souls despite what is clearly an indomitable spirit and a great enthusiasm for life, has never before had a word to tell before, so he's quite excited. He waves his hand around like crazy and makes a lot of noises, and the teacher picks him first.
"And what is the word you learned, Mikey?" she asks him.
"W*bbie!" he answers proudly.
Now the teacher gets upset. Real upset. Mikey can see her face getting redder and redder until finally she shouts out, "Go to the principal's office! Go on, get out of my classroom, and never come back!"
So little Mikey goes down the hall to the principal's office and sits there on the troublemaker bench with litterers and father-stabbers and mother-rapers and father-rapers and all sorts of mean nasty grade-school hooligans until finally it's his turn to go inside to see the principal.
"Well, Mikey," the principal says, "why are you here?"
And Mikey kinda spews out "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-here."
"What was the word?"
"W*bbie."
Now, the principal's reaction was much quicker than the teacher's. He jumps up from his desk, grabs Mikey by the collar, turns him toward the door and shoves him out, yelling "Get out of my school this instant, and never come back!"
So Mikey walks home, which luckily isn't too far away, just a half a mile past the railroad tracks, and walks in the front door.
His mother, who's home doing something that really isn't of central importance to the joke which we're just gonna gloss over right now, senses something's wrong immidiately, for two reasons. First, she knows when something's upset her little Mikey. Second, he's supposed to be at school right now.
So she asks him why he's there, and he says "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home."
She's very concerned her son may have picked up some bad language, so she asks him right away what the word was.
He says, nervously (he's beginning to catch on), "W-w*bbie."
She starts to cry. "I can't believe [sob] you said that [sob] word to your own mother! [more sobbing] Go upstairs and wait for your father. I don't [sob] even know what to do with you; he'll do something."
So Mikey goes upstairs and waits there for five hours. He hears a car pull up in the driveway, and the door close. He hears his father whistling as he walks up to the door, because his father likes his job, which is very secure, and is being well-compensated for his labor, which is hardly strenuous. He hears his father come in the front door and call out a greeting, and then he hears silence. The silence is followed by loud sobbing and a shouted "He said what?!" and then increasingly angry-sounding murmurs.
After speaking to his mother for about forty-five minutes, Mikey's father finally arrived at the truth of the matter and decided he had to go upstairs to talk to his son. He decided to hear Mikey's side before forming any final judgements, though.
Mikey, who's laying face-down on his bed, hears his father's heavy tread up the treads of the stairs, hears the door open, and hears his father say, "Now, Mikey, why don't you tell me what happened."
Mikey turns his face toward his father ands says "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home-and-I-told-it-to-Mom-and-she-sent-me-upstairs."
"And what was that word, Michael?"
"W*bbie."
His father grabs Mikey by the waist of his jeans in one hand and the collar of his shirt in the other and carries headfirst him to the window and bangs his head into it. "Open that." So Mikey reaches forward and opens the window, and his father tosses him out of it, then leans out and looks down and yells (you guessed it) "Never come back!"
Mikey, whose fall was broken by his mother's prize rosebushes, picks himself up, picks the thorns out of himself, and picks a direction and starts walking.
A couple of hours later he's in downtown Baton Rouge (Mikey lives in Baton Rouge, of course.), walking down the street in a not-too-nice neighborhood when a nice towncar pulls up beside him. He sees a hand through the tastefully tinted back passenger window reach for something, and the window smoothly glides down. Inside the car is the mayor.
Now, this was back in 1996, when politics had yet to become corrupted, so the mayor was a good man and concerned about a young child walking the streets of his fair -- dirty and occasionally crime-ridden, but fair -- city at so late an hour.
He asks the kid what's going on, and the kid says, "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home-and-I-told-it-to-Mom-and-she-sent-me-upstairs-and-I-told-it-to-my-dad-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-house-and-I-didn't-have-anywhere-else-to-go-so-here-I-am."
The mayor's horrified that any parent in his city would behave in such a reprehensible manner, not to mention trained educators, so he asks what the word was, so as to be fully appraised of the situation.
And Mikey, who's almost resigned at this point, says, "W*bbie."
The mayor gets very upset and claps his hands. The trunk on the car pops, and then the driver's door opens up and a very large man in a v-neck sweater vest steps out and around the car, picks Mikey up, and puts him in the trunk.
The trunk closes and the car drives for a little while. The car stops, the trunk opens, and Mikey finds himself sailing through the air just past a sign that says "Baton Rouge city limits." The mayor's window rolls down again, and he leans out and says "And never come back!" The car pulls a U-turn and speeds away.
Mikey, having nothing else to do, starts walking down the interstate away from the city. After about an hour of this (it's about 10 o'clock, pretty close to his bedtime, so he's getting tired), a limousine whizzes by him, then stops and backs up. Mikey can almost make out the shape of a hand through the heavily-tinted window as it pushes the lever to lower the window. Inside he's surprised to see Mike Foster, then-governor of Louisiana!
Governor Mike Foster of Louisiana, in case you don't know, is the governor that cares, so he's definitely curious why a small kid is walking down the interstate in the middle of the night, and he asks Mikey why. Says, "Kid, why are you walking down the interstate in the middle of the night?"
And Mikey takes a deep breath, 'cause it's getting hard to get all of this out without a pause, and shoots out, 'Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home-and-I-told-it-to-Mom-and-she-sent-me-upstairs-and-I-told-it-to-my-dad-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-house-and-I-told-it-to-the-mayor-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-Baton-Rouge-and-I-didn't-have-anywhere-else-to-go-so-I-just-started-walking."
Governor Mike Foster of Louisiana is quite conerned at this, because he knows the mayor of Baton Rouge and knows him to be a caring, concerned public official much like himself, and so he asks little Mikey what this word was.
Mikey says, "W*bbie."
Governor Mike Foster of Louisiana snaps, and two large men in cheap domestic suits get out of either side of the car, pick Mikey up, and throw him in the trunk. The car starts up again with a squeel, and drives for a very long time.
'Round about two in the morning (Mikey's got a digital watch with indiglo-technology), the car stops and Mikey, who's drifting in and out of consciousness what with the trauma and missing his after-school nap and his bedtime, not to mention not having eaten since breakfast, feels himself flying through the air for the third time that day right past a huge, frightening light-up poster of Governor George W. Bush's face underneath which are the words "Welcome to Texas." Governor Mike Foster of Louisiana has the car pause just before it finishes its U-turn and speeds off to lean out the window and shout "Never come back!"
And Mikey picks himself up, dusts himself off, goes into a truck stop to buy a pack of cigarettes to keep himself occupied, and starts walking again.
A little bit later, in Beaumont, Mikey, who's a nearly master-class interstate-walker by now from all the practice he's had that night, doing what he does best when a car pulls up beside him.
Now Mikey's seen some nice cars that night, outside and inside (the limo, despite being larger, really wasn't quite as nice as the towncar, since the towncar's trunk had much nicer upholstery), and he's decidedly not impressed with this one. To start with, it's that particular shade of green designers, if they were being honest, would refer to as "babyshit," the color being only relieved by the flakes of rust and duct tape that seem to be doing most of the load-bearing. Then there's the fact that it's a Pinto. But the most striking thing is the tint job: someone's taken a magic marker and colored in the window to darken it. Behind the window, through all the gaps where the coloring wasn't done so well, Mikey can see someone cranking furiously to roll down the window. Inside he sees then-President of the United States, Bill Clinton!
Now, we all know how kind, caring, and compassionate President Clinton was, and we all know the way this joke's working, so it shouldn't surprise any of you to learn that Bill was very, very interested in this little boy walking along I-10 at three in the morning, and he asks what's going on.
Mikey takes a drag on his cigarette and tells him: "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home-and-I-told-it-to-Mom-and-she-sent-me-upstairs-and-I-told-it-to-my-dad-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-house-and-I-told-it-to-the-mayor-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-Baton-Rouge-and-then-I-told-it-to-Governor-Mike-Foster-of-Louisiana-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-state-and-now-I'm-in-Texas-and-to-be-honest-with-you-that-fucking-sucks."
Bill looks at him seriously and says "Mikey, I feel your pain. What was this word that caused so much trouble for you? Was it "relations"? I've always disliked that word."
And Mikey blows some smoke in his face and says, defiantly, "W*bbie."
Bill sort of nods a little, cranks the window back up and turns to confer with Al Gore, who's driving by the way. After a bit, Mikey sees them reach an agreement, and the get out of the car, pick Mikey up, peel the duct tape off and unhook the bungie cords from the trunk so they can open it, and toss him in. They clunk around, making sure it'll stay shut, and drive for a while.
The fumes in the back make Mikey pass out pretty quickly, but he comes to mid-air sailing over the Mexican border and he hears Bill shout "Never come back!" and the Pinto turns around and speeds off.
Mikey's upset, because his last cigarette was broken in the fall, but he gets up, dusts himself off, and starts walking into Mexico. Around six in the morning, the sun starts coming up, and Mikey's looking for somewhere, anywhere, he can curl up and get a little sleep, because he's about to pass out from tiredness. While he's darting glances around the main street of a town he's in, he bumps into a very large, very hairy, very scary man with a very large, very scary knife strapped to his leg.
The man looks down and says, "Hey keed, what're you doing walking around Mexico all by yourself so early in the morning, and so young?"
And Mikey, after a few stuttering false starts (sleep deprivation combined with nicotine withdrawl combined with fear will do that to you), says "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home-and-I-told-it-to-Mom-and-she-sent-me-upstairs-and-I-told-it-to-my-dad-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-house-and-I-told-it-to-the-mayor-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-Baton-Rouge-and-then-I-told-it-to-Governor-Mike-Foster-of-Louisiana-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-state-and-then-I-told-it-to-Bill-Clinton-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-US-and-now-I'm-in-Mexico-which-quite-frankly,-while-better-than-Texas-by-far,-is-very-far-from-home-and-frightening."
The man takes a bit of time to process this, because his English is pretty good, but Mikey's talking really fast and all those letters jammed together like that are kind of hard to read, and it sort of reminded him of the time a sargeant in the army was talking to them for forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but he had fun with it and eventually figured it out and nodded and aksed, "So what was the word?"
And Mikey, not a little terrified at this point, looks up, sighs, and says, "W*bbie."
Now, you know how you've heard tell of angry people having fire in their eyes? Well, this man's eyes were like the sun, and he growled and grabbed his knife from its sheath at his side just as Mikey took off running.
And they were both running, with Mikey dodging and paying no attention and the man behind him barrelling past people, shouting "Kill! Kill!" and they ran and ran and ran out across the road when BAM! a bus hit the both of them, killing them instantly. And the moral of the story is always look both ways before crossing the road.
posted by fidelity at 2:09 PM on December 20, 2001 [3 favorites]
"Hey, kid," he says, "you want to learn a new word?"
Now, the kid's still young, and the public school system hasn't yet sucked away his natural love of learning, so even though he's a bit scared of this crazy man, he says, "S-sure."
And so the man looks him straight in the eye and says "W*bbie. You got that kid, w*bbie." The kid nods and says it back to him, and the guy runs on, the townspeople run on after him, and the kid starts walking to school again.
He gets there and sits through first period, and second period is spelling and vocabulary, so the teacher starts it out like she usually does by asking the kids if they've learned any new words. Now, little Mikey (The kid's Mikey. This is a joke about Mikey.), who, as you may later discover, is not the brightest of souls despite what is clearly an indomitable spirit and a great enthusiasm for life, has never before had a word to tell before, so he's quite excited. He waves his hand around like crazy and makes a lot of noises, and the teacher picks him first.
"And what is the word you learned, Mikey?" she asks him.
"W*bbie!" he answers proudly.
Now the teacher gets upset. Real upset. Mikey can see her face getting redder and redder until finally she shouts out, "Go to the principal's office! Go on, get out of my classroom, and never come back!"
So little Mikey goes down the hall to the principal's office and sits there on the troublemaker bench with litterers and father-stabbers and mother-rapers and father-rapers and all sorts of mean nasty grade-school hooligans until finally it's his turn to go inside to see the principal.
"Well, Mikey," the principal says, "why are you here?"
And Mikey kinda spews out "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-here."
"What was the word?"
"W*bbie."
Now, the principal's reaction was much quicker than the teacher's. He jumps up from his desk, grabs Mikey by the collar, turns him toward the door and shoves him out, yelling "Get out of my school this instant, and never come back!"
So Mikey walks home, which luckily isn't too far away, just a half a mile past the railroad tracks, and walks in the front door.
His mother, who's home doing something that really isn't of central importance to the joke which we're just gonna gloss over right now, senses something's wrong immidiately, for two reasons. First, she knows when something's upset her little Mikey. Second, he's supposed to be at school right now.
So she asks him why he's there, and he says "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home."
She's very concerned her son may have picked up some bad language, so she asks him right away what the word was.
He says, nervously (he's beginning to catch on), "W-w*bbie."
She starts to cry. "I can't believe [sob] you said that [sob] word to your own mother! [more sobbing] Go upstairs and wait for your father. I don't [sob] even know what to do with you; he'll do something."
So Mikey goes upstairs and waits there for five hours. He hears a car pull up in the driveway, and the door close. He hears his father whistling as he walks up to the door, because his father likes his job, which is very secure, and is being well-compensated for his labor, which is hardly strenuous. He hears his father come in the front door and call out a greeting, and then he hears silence. The silence is followed by loud sobbing and a shouted "He said what?!" and then increasingly angry-sounding murmurs.
After speaking to his mother for about forty-five minutes, Mikey's father finally arrived at the truth of the matter and decided he had to go upstairs to talk to his son. He decided to hear Mikey's side before forming any final judgements, though.
Mikey, who's laying face-down on his bed, hears his father's heavy tread up the treads of the stairs, hears the door open, and hears his father say, "Now, Mikey, why don't you tell me what happened."
Mikey turns his face toward his father ands says "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home-and-I-told-it-to-Mom-and-she-sent-me-upstairs."
"And what was that word, Michael?"
"W*bbie."
His father grabs Mikey by the waist of his jeans in one hand and the collar of his shirt in the other and carries headfirst him to the window and bangs his head into it. "Open that." So Mikey reaches forward and opens the window, and his father tosses him out of it, then leans out and looks down and yells (you guessed it) "Never come back!"
Mikey, whose fall was broken by his mother's prize rosebushes, picks himself up, picks the thorns out of himself, and picks a direction and starts walking.
A couple of hours later he's in downtown Baton Rouge (Mikey lives in Baton Rouge, of course.), walking down the street in a not-too-nice neighborhood when a nice towncar pulls up beside him. He sees a hand through the tastefully tinted back passenger window reach for something, and the window smoothly glides down. Inside the car is the mayor.
Now, this was back in 1996, when politics had yet to become corrupted, so the mayor was a good man and concerned about a young child walking the streets of his fair -- dirty and occasionally crime-ridden, but fair -- city at so late an hour.
He asks the kid what's going on, and the kid says, "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home-and-I-told-it-to-Mom-and-she-sent-me-upstairs-and-I-told-it-to-my-dad-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-house-and-I-didn't-have-anywhere-else-to-go-so-here-I-am."
The mayor's horrified that any parent in his city would behave in such a reprehensible manner, not to mention trained educators, so he asks what the word was, so as to be fully appraised of the situation.
And Mikey, who's almost resigned at this point, says, "W*bbie."
The mayor gets very upset and claps his hands. The trunk on the car pops, and then the driver's door opens up and a very large man in a v-neck sweater vest steps out and around the car, picks Mikey up, and puts him in the trunk.
The trunk closes and the car drives for a little while. The car stops, the trunk opens, and Mikey finds himself sailing through the air just past a sign that says "Baton Rouge city limits." The mayor's window rolls down again, and he leans out and says "And never come back!" The car pulls a U-turn and speeds away.
Mikey, having nothing else to do, starts walking down the interstate away from the city. After about an hour of this (it's about 10 o'clock, pretty close to his bedtime, so he's getting tired), a limousine whizzes by him, then stops and backs up. Mikey can almost make out the shape of a hand through the heavily-tinted window as it pushes the lever to lower the window. Inside he's surprised to see Mike Foster, then-governor of Louisiana!
Governor Mike Foster of Louisiana, in case you don't know, is the governor that cares, so he's definitely curious why a small kid is walking down the interstate in the middle of the night, and he asks Mikey why. Says, "Kid, why are you walking down the interstate in the middle of the night?"
And Mikey takes a deep breath, 'cause it's getting hard to get all of this out without a pause, and shoots out, 'Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home-and-I-told-it-to-Mom-and-she-sent-me-upstairs-and-I-told-it-to-my-dad-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-house-and-I-told-it-to-the-mayor-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-Baton-Rouge-and-I-didn't-have-anywhere-else-to-go-so-I-just-started-walking."
Governor Mike Foster of Louisiana is quite conerned at this, because he knows the mayor of Baton Rouge and knows him to be a caring, concerned public official much like himself, and so he asks little Mikey what this word was.
Mikey says, "W*bbie."
Governor Mike Foster of Louisiana snaps, and two large men in cheap domestic suits get out of either side of the car, pick Mikey up, and throw him in the trunk. The car starts up again with a squeel, and drives for a very long time.
'Round about two in the morning (Mikey's got a digital watch with indiglo-technology), the car stops and Mikey, who's drifting in and out of consciousness what with the trauma and missing his after-school nap and his bedtime, not to mention not having eaten since breakfast, feels himself flying through the air for the third time that day right past a huge, frightening light-up poster of Governor George W. Bush's face underneath which are the words "Welcome to Texas." Governor Mike Foster of Louisiana has the car pause just before it finishes its U-turn and speeds off to lean out the window and shout "Never come back!"
And Mikey picks himself up, dusts himself off, goes into a truck stop to buy a pack of cigarettes to keep himself occupied, and starts walking again.
A little bit later, in Beaumont, Mikey, who's a nearly master-class interstate-walker by now from all the practice he's had that night, doing what he does best when a car pulls up beside him.
Now Mikey's seen some nice cars that night, outside and inside (the limo, despite being larger, really wasn't quite as nice as the towncar, since the towncar's trunk had much nicer upholstery), and he's decidedly not impressed with this one. To start with, it's that particular shade of green designers, if they were being honest, would refer to as "babyshit," the color being only relieved by the flakes of rust and duct tape that seem to be doing most of the load-bearing. Then there's the fact that it's a Pinto. But the most striking thing is the tint job: someone's taken a magic marker and colored in the window to darken it. Behind the window, through all the gaps where the coloring wasn't done so well, Mikey can see someone cranking furiously to roll down the window. Inside he sees then-President of the United States, Bill Clinton!
Now, we all know how kind, caring, and compassionate President Clinton was, and we all know the way this joke's working, so it shouldn't surprise any of you to learn that Bill was very, very interested in this little boy walking along I-10 at three in the morning, and he asks what's going on.
Mikey takes a drag on his cigarette and tells him: "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home-and-I-told-it-to-Mom-and-she-sent-me-upstairs-and-I-told-it-to-my-dad-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-house-and-I-told-it-to-the-mayor-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-Baton-Rouge-and-then-I-told-it-to-Governor-Mike-Foster-of-Louisiana-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-state-and-now-I'm-in-Texas-and-to-be-honest-with-you-that-fucking-sucks."
Bill looks at him seriously and says "Mikey, I feel your pain. What was this word that caused so much trouble for you? Was it "relations"? I've always disliked that word."
And Mikey blows some smoke in his face and says, defiantly, "W*bbie."
Bill sort of nods a little, cranks the window back up and turns to confer with Al Gore, who's driving by the way. After a bit, Mikey sees them reach an agreement, and the get out of the car, pick Mikey up, peel the duct tape off and unhook the bungie cords from the trunk so they can open it, and toss him in. They clunk around, making sure it'll stay shut, and drive for a while.
The fumes in the back make Mikey pass out pretty quickly, but he comes to mid-air sailing over the Mexican border and he hears Bill shout "Never come back!" and the Pinto turns around and speeds off.
Mikey's upset, because his last cigarette was broken in the fall, but he gets up, dusts himself off, and starts walking into Mexico. Around six in the morning, the sun starts coming up, and Mikey's looking for somewhere, anywhere, he can curl up and get a little sleep, because he's about to pass out from tiredness. While he's darting glances around the main street of a town he's in, he bumps into a very large, very hairy, very scary man with a very large, very scary knife strapped to his leg.
The man looks down and says, "Hey keed, what're you doing walking around Mexico all by yourself so early in the morning, and so young?"
And Mikey, after a few stuttering false starts (sleep deprivation combined with nicotine withdrawl combined with fear will do that to you), says "Well-I-learned-a-new-word-on-the-way-to-school-today-and-I-told-it-to-my-teacher-and-she-sent-me-to-the-principal's-office-and-I-told-it-to-the-principal-and-he-sent-me-home-and-I-told-it-to-Mom-and-she-sent-me-upstairs-and-I-told-it-to-my-dad-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-house-and-I-told-it-to-the-mayor-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-Baton-Rouge-and-then-I-told-it-to-Governor-Mike-Foster-of-Louisiana-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-state-and-then-I-told-it-to-Bill-Clinton-and-he-kicked-me-out-of-the-US-and-now-I'm-in-Mexico-which-quite-frankly,-while-better-than-Texas-by-far,-is-very-far-from-home-and-frightening."
The man takes a bit of time to process this, because his English is pretty good, but Mikey's talking really fast and all those letters jammed together like that are kind of hard to read, and it sort of reminded him of the time a sargeant in the army was talking to them for forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but he had fun with it and eventually figured it out and nodded and aksed, "So what was the word?"
And Mikey, not a little terrified at this point, looks up, sighs, and says, "W*bbie."
Now, you know how you've heard tell of angry people having fire in their eyes? Well, this man's eyes were like the sun, and he growled and grabbed his knife from its sheath at his side just as Mikey took off running.
And they were both running, with Mikey dodging and paying no attention and the man behind him barrelling past people, shouting "Kill! Kill!" and they ran and ran and ran out across the road when BAM! a bus hit the both of them, killing them instantly. And the moral of the story is always look both ways before crossing the road.
posted by fidelity at 2:09 PM on December 20, 2001 [3 favorites]
Wow, it took me over two hours to type that. I'm so glad I don't have anything else to do.
posted by fidelity at 2:11 PM on December 20, 2001
posted by fidelity at 2:11 PM on December 20, 2001
A musician dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is giving him a tour, they come to a heavenly concert hall where the most amazing rock band is playing, with all the greatest of rock stars that have passed on....Jimi Hendrix, Buddy Holly, Keith Moon...they're all there. The musician is amazed.
"Wow," says the musician. "What an amazing band. But hey - is that Bono on lead vocals? I didn't know he was dead."
"Ssssshhh!" says St. Peter. "That's God. He just likes to think he's Bono sometimes."
posted by dnash at 2:13 PM on December 20, 2001
"Wow," says the musician. "What an amazing band. But hey - is that Bono on lead vocals? I didn't know he was dead."
"Ssssshhh!" says St. Peter. "That's God. He just likes to think he's Bono sometimes."
posted by dnash at 2:13 PM on December 20, 2001
A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "Highballs are on me!"
posted by turaho at 2:13 PM on December 20, 2001
posted by turaho at 2:13 PM on December 20, 2001
Damn that was a long drag for such a fizzle of a punchline fidelity, but you dragged me the whole way.
posted by kokogiak at 2:16 PM on December 20, 2001
posted by kokogiak at 2:16 PM on December 20, 2001
I've got a new word for you fidelity:
brevity
posted by gazingus at 2:23 PM on December 20, 2001
brevity
'bre-v&-tE
: soul of witposted by gazingus at 2:23 PM on December 20, 2001
Not only is that Holmes/Watson joke far from the "funniest joke in the world," the LaughLab folks told it wrong. It's supposed to be the other way around--Holmes says all the blah, blah, blah about stars and planets, and it's Watson who points out the obvious, that somebody stole the tent.
That way the joke is more effectively a reversal of the listener's expectations, as well as a challenge to authority (both qualities Freud cites as important in "Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious").
Of course, what did Freud know? This was his favorite joke:
A royal personage was traveling in his kingdom, and he spotted a peasant man of about his own age who resembled him greatly. He called the peasant over to his carriage and said, "My good man, has anyone ever remarked on your resemblance to me?" "Yes, Your Highness, people comment on it often," was the man's reply. "Well," said the nobleman, "I know this may be a delicate question, but...did your mother ever work in the palace?" "No, Your Highness," said the peasant. "But my father did."
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:49 PM on December 20, 2001
That way the joke is more effectively a reversal of the listener's expectations, as well as a challenge to authority (both qualities Freud cites as important in "Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious").
Of course, what did Freud know? This was his favorite joke:
A royal personage was traveling in his kingdom, and he spotted a peasant man of about his own age who resembled him greatly. He called the peasant over to his carriage and said, "My good man, has anyone ever remarked on your resemblance to me?" "Yes, Your Highness, people comment on it often," was the man's reply. "Well," said the nobleman, "I know this may be a delicate question, but...did your mother ever work in the palace?" "No, Your Highness," said the peasant. "But my father did."
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:49 PM on December 20, 2001
Two Americans travel to Africa, where they hire a local guide to take them on an overnight adventure safari. Armed with machetes to chop through the thick jungle, they set off into the unknown. When dusk approaches, they hear the ominous sound of drums in the distance. Their guide becomes visibly nervous, and one of the adventurers asks him "What's going on with the drums?"
The guide says "Don't worry about the drums. As long as the drums play, we are OK. However, when the drums stop...." He trails off, his eyes glancing around fearfully. They continue their trek, pushing deeper into the jungle, and the sound of the drums intensifies. The second adventurer asks the guide, "What happens when the drums stop?" The guide simply looks at him with wide frightened eyes, but refuses to answer. Now the two adventurers are a little afraid. It's getting dark, and the sound of the drums gets louder and faster. Again, the first adventurer asks, "What happens when the drums stop?", but he gets no response from the nervous guide. Finally, as the drumbeats grow louder and more frenzied, their wild rhythm pounding in his ears, the second adventurer siezes the guide by both shoulders and shouts, "Dammit, man, what happens when the drums stop?", and the guide whispers: "Bass solo."
posted by varmint at 3:45 PM on December 20, 2001
The guide says "Don't worry about the drums. As long as the drums play, we are OK. However, when the drums stop...." He trails off, his eyes glancing around fearfully. They continue their trek, pushing deeper into the jungle, and the sound of the drums intensifies. The second adventurer asks the guide, "What happens when the drums stop?" The guide simply looks at him with wide frightened eyes, but refuses to answer. Now the two adventurers are a little afraid. It's getting dark, and the sound of the drums gets louder and faster. Again, the first adventurer asks, "What happens when the drums stop?", but he gets no response from the nervous guide. Finally, as the drumbeats grow louder and more frenzied, their wild rhythm pounding in his ears, the second adventurer siezes the guide by both shoulders and shouts, "Dammit, man, what happens when the drums stop?", and the guide whispers: "Bass solo."
posted by varmint at 3:45 PM on December 20, 2001
"Now that I look back on it, I probably shouldn't have glanced in the rear-view mirror" Tom Reflected.
posted by fuq at 3:46 PM on December 20, 2001
posted by fuq at 3:46 PM on December 20, 2001
fidelity, my version of that is "Purple Flowers", not "w*bbie", and the longest I ever stretched it out for was two-and-a-half hours. My wife harangued me for years to tell her the joke, as all my friends would tell her about it.
Finally, after we were safely married I told it to her. She just got mad at me. The moral of the story: beware the pointless shaggy dog joke, by any name.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:47 PM on December 20, 2001
Finally, after we were safely married I told it to her. She just got mad at me. The moral of the story: beware the pointless shaggy dog joke, by any name.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:47 PM on December 20, 2001
I once told that joke while camping, and then spent ten minutes running away from someone with an axe. Luckily, there were no streets I had to cross.
posted by fidelity at 4:01 PM on December 20, 2001
posted by fidelity at 4:01 PM on December 20, 2001
Fidelity: I once told that same joke at 4H Camp in Louisiana, except that it was a "Purple Bishop."
Interesting....
posted by ColdChef at 4:09 PM on December 20, 2001
Interesting....
posted by ColdChef at 4:09 PM on December 20, 2001
Knock-knock.
Who's there.
Atch.
Atch who?
Gesundheit.
posted by alumshubby at 4:31 PM on December 20, 2001
Who's there.
Atch.
Atch who?
Gesundheit.
posted by alumshubby at 4:31 PM on December 20, 2001
"These new brake shoes on the car seem to be a bit too sticky," said Tom haltingly.
posted by alumshubby at 4:34 PM on December 20, 2001
posted by alumshubby at 4:34 PM on December 20, 2001
As my physics teacher once said: "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
fidelity: I always knew that joke as 'purple wombat'. Nobody I knew had the guts to get Mikey out as far as Mexico...
posted by eoz at 6:32 PM on December 20, 2001
fidelity: I always knew that joke as 'purple wombat'. Nobody I knew had the guts to get Mikey out as far as Mexico...
posted by eoz at 6:32 PM on December 20, 2001
Ah, since it's so classy in here:
Lesbian walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "What can I get you?"
Lesbian says, "I'd like that 16 year-old girl at the end of the bar."
Bartender replies, "Sorry ma'am. We don't serve minors to lickers in here."
posted by yerfatma at 6:51 PM on December 20, 2001
Lesbian walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "What can I get you?"
Lesbian says, "I'd like that 16 year-old girl at the end of the bar."
Bartender replies, "Sorry ma'am. We don't serve minors to lickers in here."
posted by yerfatma at 6:51 PM on December 20, 2001
Q: How do you get the Web Designer off your porch?
A: You pay for your Pizza.
Hahahaha!
posted by jonmc at 7:09 PM on December 20, 2001
A: You pay for your Pizza.
Hahahaha!
posted by jonmc at 7:09 PM on December 20, 2001
Here's something interesting:
Fidelity's Mega-Post Shaggy Dog Joke above=2226 Words
Now, here's something even more interesting:
Character count=12345 characters
Well, I'll be a W*bbie!
posted by ColdChef at 7:57 PM on December 20, 2001
Fidelity's Mega-Post Shaggy Dog Joke above=2226 Words
Now, here's something even more interesting:
Character count=12345 characters
Well, I'll be a W*bbie!
posted by ColdChef at 7:57 PM on December 20, 2001
it's bad, but the one that always stuck with me was...
Question: How do you get a nun pregnant?
Answer: You fuck her.
I think it would be really cool to know where jokes originated from - like a big credit list, where the originator would get their due.
posted by bk at 8:02 PM on December 20, 2001
Question: How do you get a nun pregnant?
Answer: You fuck her.
I think it would be really cool to know where jokes originated from - like a big credit list, where the originator would get their due.
posted by bk at 8:02 PM on December 20, 2001
A guy walks into a psychiatrist office with a duck on his head; the duck says "get this guy off my ass"
three guys and a gal stranded on a deserted island. After 1 week she's so ashamed of what they're doing she commits suicide. After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing they bury her. After another week they're so ashamed of what they're doing they dig her back up.
guy wants to get married and has three good prospects:he gives each girl $1,000, and three months later he asks what they did with the money. One gave it all to charity, one invested in a dot com, and the other spent it on a new stereo. so who did he marry?
the one with the big tits!
posted by Mack Twain at 9:15 PM on December 20, 2001
three guys and a gal stranded on a deserted island. After 1 week she's so ashamed of what they're doing she commits suicide. After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing they bury her. After another week they're so ashamed of what they're doing they dig her back up.
guy wants to get married and has three good prospects:he gives each girl $1,000, and three months later he asks what they did with the money. One gave it all to charity, one invested in a dot com, and the other spent it on a new stereo. so who did he marry?
the one with the big tits!
posted by Mack Twain at 9:15 PM on December 20, 2001
We're running a story about this humor study on the front page of our newspaper tomorrow. I was so impressed with some of the stuff in here (particularly the person/thing-walks-into-a-bar series fairly near the top) that I added a tagline at the end of the story sending people to this Web page for "an interesting discussion" of the story and some jokes that might just be funnier than the Holmes-and-Watson shtick.
Nice work, everybody.
posted by diddlegnome at 10:54 PM on December 20, 2001
Nice work, everybody.
posted by diddlegnome at 10:54 PM on December 20, 2001
bk, there was a short story written where there's a research project that tries to discover the origins of joke, with disastrous results. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name or who wrote it. Anyone?
posted by EatenByAGrue at 11:15 PM on December 20, 2001
posted by EatenByAGrue at 11:15 PM on December 20, 2001
More information about the study here. Just as somebody mentioned (can you believe it, I'm too lazy to check), the article mentions that the reason the Watson/Holmes joke is probably because a whole lot of people thought it was somewhat funny, but almost nobody thought it was the funniest (sort of like the non-zero-sum games and Tit-for-Tat mentioned in Richard Dawkins' The Selfish Gene)
More interesting, however, was the fact that part of the study involved computer-generated jokes. Reportedly, most were awful, but this one beat out the bottom third:
Q: What kind of murderer has moral fibre?
A: A cereal killer
Amazing! I mean, it got a chuckle out of me! One computer-generated joke that didn't fare so well:
Q: What kind of line has sixteen balls?
A: A pool cue!
I don't get it - either there's nothing to get or I'm too stupid. Anyone care to enlighten me?
posted by SilentSalamander at 11:46 PM on December 20, 2001
More interesting, however, was the fact that part of the study involved computer-generated jokes. Reportedly, most were awful, but this one beat out the bottom third:
Q: What kind of murderer has moral fibre?
A: A cereal killer
Amazing! I mean, it got a chuckle out of me! One computer-generated joke that didn't fare so well:
Q: What kind of line has sixteen balls?
A: A pool cue!
I don't get it - either there's nothing to get or I'm too stupid. Anyone care to enlighten me?
posted by SilentSalamander at 11:46 PM on December 20, 2001
Here are a couple ones I've heard recently:
Q: What has nine arms and sucks?
A: Def Leppard
Q: How is Neil Armstrong different from Michael Jackson?
A: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, but Michael Jackson fucks little boys.
Q: What is the worst part about having sex with a five-year-old?
A: Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.
Q: What is twelve inches long, blue, and makes women scream in the morning?
A: Crib death.
posted by kevinc at 12:07 AM on December 21, 2001
Q: What has nine arms and sucks?
A: Def Leppard
Q: How is Neil Armstrong different from Michael Jackson?
A: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, but Michael Jackson fucks little boys.
Q: What is the worst part about having sex with a five-year-old?
A: Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.
Q: What is twelve inches long, blue, and makes women scream in the morning?
A: Crib death.
posted by kevinc at 12:07 AM on December 21, 2001
So glad you wrapped up this thread on a tasteful note, Kevinc. Anyone else think diddlegnome is going to regret her decision to link to this page in her article?
posted by pardonyou? at 6:27 AM on December 21, 2001
posted by pardonyou? at 6:27 AM on December 21, 2001
Ah, hell, since it's never too late to tell a bad joke:
What do you call nuts on a wall?
Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chin?
Blow job!
posted by werty at 7:38 AM on December 21, 2001
What do you call nuts on a wall?
Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chin?
Blow job!
posted by werty at 7:38 AM on December 21, 2001
SilentSalamander: It's a play on words. In Britain, they call a line (e.g. at a bank) a queue.
posted by me3dia at 10:13 AM on December 21, 2001
posted by me3dia at 10:13 AM on December 21, 2001
Ah, right. Not too bad, then. Thanks, me3dia!
posted by SilentSalamander at 7:32 AM on December 22, 2001
posted by SilentSalamander at 7:32 AM on December 22, 2001
A guy in his living room hears a knock on the front door. Opens the door and there's a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there's a knock at the front door. The guy opens the door and sees the snail. Snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"
posted by nikzhowz at 8:26 AM on December 22, 2001
Three years later there's a knock at the front door. The guy opens the door and sees the snail. Snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"
posted by nikzhowz at 8:26 AM on December 22, 2001
what has three legs and lives on a farm?
paul mccartney and his fiancee
posted by boogah at 12:12 AM on December 23, 2001
paul mccartney and his fiancee
posted by boogah at 12:12 AM on December 23, 2001
two pigs are walking through the desert. one pig turns to the other and says:
"i'm so hot, i'm bacon."
posted by chrisroberts at 1:42 PM on December 26, 2001
"i'm so hot, i'm bacon."
posted by chrisroberts at 1:42 PM on December 26, 2001
two biscuits are walking down the street.
one says to the other, 'go on, tell me where you live.
the second replies, 'no way, you'll steal my washing!
posted by asok at 4:54 PM on December 26, 2001
one says to the other, 'go on, tell me where you live.
the second replies, 'no way, you'll steal my washing!
posted by asok at 4:54 PM on December 26, 2001
What's the difference between an orange?
A bicycle because a vest has no sleeves.
posted by Apoch at 4:37 AM on December 29, 2001
A bicycle because a vest has no sleeves.
posted by Apoch at 4:37 AM on December 29, 2001
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
I got stung by a bee the other day, £20 for a pot of honey.
I bought a bottle of HP sauce the other day, I'm paying it back 3p a week for the next four years.
posted by gi_wrighty at 10:44 AM on December 29, 2001
Half a dog.
I got stung by a bee the other day, £20 for a pot of honey.
I bought a bottle of HP sauce the other day, I'm paying it back 3p a week for the next four years.
posted by gi_wrighty at 10:44 AM on December 29, 2001
A priest and a rabbi walk in to a bar, and the bartender says "This must be some kind of joke".
posted by ericost at 12:17 PM on January 3, 2002
posted by ericost at 12:17 PM on January 3, 2002
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posted by luser at 8:12 AM on December 20, 2001