Butts pumped up like a pair of Reeboks
January 8, 2014 10:45 AM Subscribe
Buttloads of Pain - Illegal Ass Enhancements May Be America’s Next Health Epidemic (NSFW) Because of its clandestine nature, it’s impossible to quantify exactly how many people in the US are illegally getting their butts pumped up like a pair of Reeboks.
Well that's something I didn't need to know existed.
posted by Zalzidrax at 10:56 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Zalzidrax at 10:56 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Bummer.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
lol butts
posted by entropicamericana at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by entropicamericana at 10:57 AM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
wtf butts
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:59 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:59 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I live an organic lifestyle in more ways than one, thankyouverymuch.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:59 AM on January 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:59 AM on January 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
Whoa... this is like the opposite of that one XKCD.
posted by kmz at 10:59 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by kmz at 10:59 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I correctly guessed that this was a Vice article, which fills me with conflicting emotions. Kudos to Vice for mastering the WTF news market, I guess, and I feel terrible for the women who desire bigger butts so much that these black market injections sound like a good idea.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:01 AM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by filthy light thief at 11:01 AM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Apparently, Brazil is way ahead of the curve on this one. That's right, the butts fall into the lower leg.
posted by phaedon at 11:03 AM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by phaedon at 11:03 AM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
This is all very weird and disturbing to me, coming, as I do, from a time when women obsessed over reducing the size of their butts.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:10 AM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 11:10 AM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
whoa, that's some scary shit:
Injected silicone can be corrosive and can easily migrate throughout the body. When it breaks down, which can happen in a matter of hours or over the course of several years, it becomes almost impossible to completely identify or locate. According to a comprehensive history of silicone injections in the US edited by Harvard Law professor Peter Barton Hutt, 555cc of silicone can break apart into 30 billion small globules once inside the body, and each of those 30 billion pieces has the potential to cause an infectious reaction.
posted by mannequito at 11:12 AM on January 8, 2014
Injected silicone can be corrosive and can easily migrate throughout the body. When it breaks down, which can happen in a matter of hours or over the course of several years, it becomes almost impossible to completely identify or locate. According to a comprehensive history of silicone injections in the US edited by Harvard Law professor Peter Barton Hutt, 555cc of silicone can break apart into 30 billion small globules once inside the body, and each of those 30 billion pieces has the potential to cause an infectious reaction.
posted by mannequito at 11:12 AM on January 8, 2014
Apparently, Brazil is way ahead of the curve
I see what you did there.
posted by zombieflanders at 11:13 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I see what you did there.
posted by zombieflanders at 11:13 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
This is all very weird and disturbing to me, coming, as I do, from a time when women obsessed over reducing the size of their butts.
You are living in a pre-Mix-A-Lot world
posted by Hoopo at 11:14 AM on January 8, 2014 [28 favorites]
You are living in a pre-Mix-A-Lot world
posted by Hoopo at 11:14 AM on January 8, 2014 [28 favorites]
Man, just keep the ass genetics gave you.
posted by Redfield at 11:14 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Redfield at 11:14 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
this article could have been so good but the writer was seemingly more concerned with sounding like a douche-y dudebro throughout.
posted by nadawi at 11:15 AM on January 8, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 11:15 AM on January 8, 2014 [8 favorites]
It looked pretty good, especially considering that only a few years ago her haunches had mutated into a distorted heap of poisoned flesh and immense pain.
This is a sentence that I never expected to read, and I kind of wish I hadn't. It's like WarHammer 40K fiction....
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:16 AM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
This is a sentence that I never expected to read, and I kind of wish I hadn't. It's like WarHammer 40K fiction....
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:16 AM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
There are at least two reasons why injectable, non-biodegradable fillers aren't legal in the US for butt augmentation. One, they tend to harden and/or move around and cause complications. (If they do move around they'll be hard to remove.) Two, it would take a huge number of injections, strategically placed, of a standard permanent soft tissue filler (like say, Artecoll / ArteFill) to produce a satisfactory result. So the approved procedures are fat grafts or implants. Fat is actually the ideal substance here: it's soft, molds well and has a low rejection rate.
Silicone should really not be injected into the buttocks. Or the breasts. Or the lips, for that matter. The rejection and complication rate -- especially down the road -- is too darn high.
posted by zarq at 11:17 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Silicone should really not be injected into the buttocks. Or the breasts. Or the lips, for that matter. The rejection and complication rate -- especially down the road -- is too darn high.
posted by zarq at 11:17 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
This is all very weird and disturbing to me, coming, as I do, from a time when women obsessed over reducing the size of their butts.
I think there's a Tina Fey quote that sums this up really nicely (quote is abriged for conciseness):
I am totally in favor of increasing the number of body types we find attractive and also basing less of our approbation on appearance, but every time some new physical attribute is deemed "good", it just narrows down the type of body we actually admire.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 11:18 AM on January 8, 2014 [41 favorites]
I think there's a Tina Fey quote that sums this up really nicely (quote is abriged for conciseness):
But I think the first real change in women’s body image came when JLo turned it butt-style...And then, what felt like moments later, boom—Beyoncé brought the leg meat. A back porch and thick muscular legs were now widely admired. And from that day forward, women embraced their diversity and realized that all shapes and sizes are beautiful. Ah ha ha. No. I’m totally messing with you. All Beyonce and JLo have done is add to the laundry list of attributes women must have to qualify as beautiful.It's true and it's really frustrating. Every time someone is admired in a "different" way, there's some hope that it will expand the definition of "beautiful", ideally to a point where it is completely individualized and even rendered meaningless. Unfortunately, that's never what happens. You just add to the list of implants you should get, or workouts you should do, or things you should have that you don't. You need a tiny waist but a big butt because naturally those things always go together. You need to be in good shape but not terrifyingly so. You need butt implants because if you maintain a trim figure your butt gets small because that's how your personal body works.
I am totally in favor of increasing the number of body types we find attractive and also basing less of our approbation on appearance, but every time some new physical attribute is deemed "good", it just narrows down the type of body we actually admire.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 11:18 AM on January 8, 2014 [41 favorites]
This is the most horrible part of the article:
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:20 AM on January 8, 2014 [90 favorites]
“The buttock today is what the boobs were in the 60s,” Dr. Mendieta told me inside his office. His face looked like a Clark Kent mask, his skin pulled back at his temples, and he wore a royal-blue, custom-made admiral coat of fine Valentino silk. “But butts are better. When you look at breasts, you have to look at a face. There is no room to fantasize. But when you turn it around, there is no face anymore. You’re free to put whatever face you want on that booty.”That's some straight-up Patrick Bateman shit there.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:20 AM on January 8, 2014 [90 favorites]
just the latest incident in a growing list of injected-grease quackery.
I recall some well-known Hollywood types getting victimized by fake doctors doing wrinkle injections.
posted by superelastic at 11:20 AM on January 8, 2014
I recall some well-known Hollywood types getting victimized by fake doctors doing wrinkle injections.
posted by superelastic at 11:20 AM on January 8, 2014
i dunno, i think in the running for worst sentence in the article is :
My fears were confirmed when she stood up and let me give it a squeeze. It looked like heaven, but it felt like I was groping a gravestone.
also the weird focus on trans women, like this is a scourge they brought upon us. illegally injecting substances to give a bigger butt or boobs or lips or general "fillers" is hardly just a trans woman issue.
posted by nadawi at 11:22 AM on January 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
My fears were confirmed when she stood up and let me give it a squeeze. It looked like heaven, but it felt like I was groping a gravestone.
also the weird focus on trans women, like this is a scourge they brought upon us. illegally injecting substances to give a bigger butt or boobs or lips or general "fillers" is hardly just a trans woman issue.
posted by nadawi at 11:22 AM on January 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
Man, just keep the ass genetics gave you.
This is absolutely the kind of sentiment which which I completely agree in theory and in practice unfortunately just isn't fair. I agree with you! It would be great if we all were just happy with our butts and proud of them and could sit around giggling at the word "butts" all day*. Unfortunately, I don't think these women are undergoing this surgery because they are really excited about it or because spending that time and money and taking that risk seems like tons of fun. It's more likely that they're doing this because it's been made clear to them that physical attractiveness is a high proportion of their value and as such they need to do whatever they can to maintain it.
I'm really not trying to attack you personally and, again, I agree with you in theory, but unfortunately we live in a society where women are pressured to look and present themselves in a certain way and blaming them for attempting to measure up to those standards, even in risky and unhealthy ways, is maybe focusing the blame in the wrong place.
*In fact this is what I do and I have the email evidence to prove it.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 11:23 AM on January 8, 2014 [18 favorites]
This is absolutely the kind of sentiment which which I completely agree in theory and in practice unfortunately just isn't fair. I agree with you! It would be great if we all were just happy with our butts and proud of them and could sit around giggling at the word "butts" all day*. Unfortunately, I don't think these women are undergoing this surgery because they are really excited about it or because spending that time and money and taking that risk seems like tons of fun. It's more likely that they're doing this because it's been made clear to them that physical attractiveness is a high proportion of their value and as such they need to do whatever they can to maintain it.
I'm really not trying to attack you personally and, again, I agree with you in theory, but unfortunately we live in a society where women are pressured to look and present themselves in a certain way and blaming them for attempting to measure up to those standards, even in risky and unhealthy ways, is maybe focusing the blame in the wrong place.
*In fact this is what I do and I have the email evidence to prove it.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 11:23 AM on January 8, 2014 [18 favorites]
It looked like heaven, but it felt like I was groping a gravestone
Somehow that sounds like a line from a Meatloaf song, circa Bat Out of Hell.
posted by yoink at 11:26 AM on January 8, 2014 [21 favorites]
Somehow that sounds like a line from a Meatloaf song, circa Bat Out of Hell.
posted by yoink at 11:26 AM on January 8, 2014 [21 favorites]
Is this the greatest collection of words to ever appear in an FPP? It's gotta be in the conversation.
posted by dry white toast at 11:28 AM on January 8, 2014
posted by dry white toast at 11:28 AM on January 8, 2014
That's some straight-up Patrick Bateman shit there.
That's like the firm of Ballard, Burroughs, Cronenberg, and Dick on a heavy ether binge.
"You Nexus, huh? I design your butt."
posted by octobersurprise at 11:41 AM on January 8, 2014 [12 favorites]
That's like the firm of Ballard, Burroughs, Cronenberg, and Dick on a heavy ether binge.
"You Nexus, huh? I design your butt."
posted by octobersurprise at 11:41 AM on January 8, 2014 [12 favorites]
Vice is essentially the Edgy Daily Mail at this point, I guess?
posted by ominous_paws at 11:46 AM on January 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by ominous_paws at 11:46 AM on January 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
I don't think this is an edge-case or a case of link bait (well, not primarily intended as link bait). Butt injections are not unusual (in that there is a definite trend in some demographics), and, if you pair it with breast enhancement and other enhancements, it's pretty disturbing to consider.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:47 AM on January 8, 2014
posted by KokuRyu at 11:47 AM on January 8, 2014
My god people JUST DO SQUATS
for fuck's sake
posted by elizardbits at 11:49 AM on January 8, 2014 [15 favorites]
for fuck's sake
posted by elizardbits at 11:49 AM on January 8, 2014 [15 favorites]
Do squat? Fuck, we're already here on Metafilter. Talk about redundant advice.
posted by yoink at 11:52 AM on January 8, 2014 [28 favorites]
posted by yoink at 11:52 AM on January 8, 2014 [28 favorites]
Also oh my god Vice, regular butt implants do not cost $16,000.
posted by elizardbits at 11:54 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 11:54 AM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Vice is essentially the Edgy Daily Mail at this point, I guess?
No
posted by Hoopo at 11:56 AM on January 8, 2014
No
posted by Hoopo at 11:56 AM on January 8, 2014
I'm having another of those "call down the asteroids" moments, here. Seriously WTF humanity? Whatever I don't look like or have, that's what I should look like or have, right? Across my life, I don't know how many small-breasted women I've met who wish theirs were large, & large-breasted women who wished theirs were smaller. And guys with the size of their dicks, and height of their hairlines.
Be who the fuck you are, people. Goddam. You've only got so much time here -- spend a little of it enjoying the place and a whole lot less of it trying to impress all the other stupid apes. The sun could blink out tomorrow and no one would care about the size of your tits/ass/dick. So much effort utterly wasted.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:58 AM on January 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
Be who the fuck you are, people. Goddam. You've only got so much time here -- spend a little of it enjoying the place and a whole lot less of it trying to impress all the other stupid apes. The sun could blink out tomorrow and no one would care about the size of your tits/ass/dick. So much effort utterly wasted.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:58 AM on January 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
I grow gladder and gladder to be older and older. The last vestige of my slender youthfulness disappeared ten years ago and I will never have to worry about transforming my Norwegian flat/square butt into bodacious curves. I'm just fat, and even if I manage to be just skinny again, I'll be a scrawny old Scandinavian/north of England broad.
There's a point where you realize that the race you were in ended fifteen years ago and the new one bears no relation to your life at all.
And then you buy another book and a new pair of shoes. Life is good.
posted by jrochest at 11:58 AM on January 8, 2014 [15 favorites]
There's a point where you realize that the race you were in ended fifteen years ago and the new one bears no relation to your life at all.
And then you buy another book and a new pair of shoes. Life is good.
posted by jrochest at 11:58 AM on January 8, 2014 [15 favorites]
elizardbits: "Also oh my god Vice, regular butt implants do not cost $16,000."
Across the US it's likely about half that, all costs included. Except in NYC and LA, where anything goes.
posted by zarq at 12:02 PM on January 8, 2014
Across the US it's likely about half that, all costs included. Except in NYC and LA, where anything goes.
posted by zarq at 12:02 PM on January 8, 2014
Yes, I know this because I used the google, a tool which is also available to the writers at Vice.
posted by elizardbits at 12:03 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 12:03 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Also oh my god Vice, regular butt implants do not cost $16,000.
What mefite has actually priced out butt implants?
posted by elizardbits
Ah.
posted by Aizkolari at 12:03 PM on January 8, 2014 [20 favorites]
What mefite has actually priced out butt implants?
posted by elizardbits
Ah.
posted by Aizkolari at 12:03 PM on January 8, 2014 [20 favorites]
This is one FPP where I'm glad I read the MeFi comments before clicking through to the article.
posted by slogger at 12:04 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by slogger at 12:04 PM on January 8, 2014
now I'm having flashbacks to Warren Ellis' novel Crooked Little Vein..
posted by zenwerewolf at 12:04 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by zenwerewolf at 12:04 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
elizardbits: "Yes, I know this because I used the google, a tool which is also available to the writers at Vice."
And I know it because I've worked with surgeons, plastic and otherwise. It should have taken them 2 minutes to make a phone call to any random plastic surgeon and instead they pulled a random number out of their butts.
posted by zarq at 12:05 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
And I know it because I've worked with surgeons, plastic and otherwise. It should have taken them 2 minutes to make a phone call to any random plastic surgeon and instead they pulled a random number out of their butts.
posted by zarq at 12:05 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
...so to speak.
posted by zarq at 12:05 PM on January 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by zarq at 12:05 PM on January 8, 2014 [11 favorites]
it’s impossible to quantify exactly how many people in the US are illegally getting their butts pumped up like a pair of Reebok
Bullshit, just ask them. People who like big butts cannot lie.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:06 PM on January 8, 2014 [45 favorites]
Bullshit, just ask them. People who like big butts cannot lie.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:06 PM on January 8, 2014 [45 favorites]
i am imagining the facepalm you did upon realizing your unintentional lols and it is glorious
posted by elizardbits at 12:06 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 12:06 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
My whole life is one long series of unintentional lols
posted by zarq at 12:08 PM on January 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by zarq at 12:08 PM on January 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
Be proud of your lols. I had to have mine injected.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:11 PM on January 8, 2014 [13 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:11 PM on January 8, 2014 [13 favorites]
They can have as much of my ass as they'd like. I'd gladly sell it off on surplus.
posted by mykescipark at 12:14 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by mykescipark at 12:14 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
My god people JUST DO SQUATS
The astounding amount of ignorance about what is and isn't possible via plastic surgey is kinda terrifying, then again I'm still unnerved by all the casual low grade steroid use around me. I'm very body mod positive ( life isn't fair, it's your body, etc) but these things need...doctors supervision and there are a lot of quacks out there.
posted by The Whelk at 12:16 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
The astounding amount of ignorance about what is and isn't possible via plastic surgey is kinda terrifying, then again I'm still unnerved by all the casual low grade steroid use around me. I'm very body mod positive ( life isn't fair, it's your body, etc) but these things need...doctors supervision and there are a lot of quacks out there.
posted by The Whelk at 12:16 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Whelk, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:19 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:19 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
They can have as much of my ass as they'd like. I'd gladly sell it off on surplus.
"Sell it off"? You capitalist butt-hoarders sicken me. We need socialist butt redistribution: from each according to his bubbility, to each according to need!
posted by yoink at 12:25 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
"Sell it off"? You capitalist butt-hoarders sicken me. We need socialist butt redistribution: from each according to his bubbility, to each according to need!
posted by yoink at 12:25 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
this article could have been so good but the writer was seemingly more concerned with sounding like a douche-y dudebro throughout.
This is a perfect summation of everything produced by Vice ever
posted by ook at 12:26 PM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
This is a perfect summation of everything produced by Vice ever
posted by ook at 12:26 PM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
My god people JUST DO SQUATS
Not until I get some robotic knees.
posted by emjaybee at 12:26 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
Not until I get some robotic knees.
posted by emjaybee at 12:26 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'm sitting on a jiggly goldmine!
posted by Kitty Stardust at 12:28 PM on January 8, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by Kitty Stardust at 12:28 PM on January 8, 2014 [9 favorites]
there are a lot of quacks out there.
This is true. So, remember: duck when you hear a quack, or get a bill you'll regret.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:39 PM on January 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
This is true. So, remember: duck when you hear a quack, or get a bill you'll regret.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:39 PM on January 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
My ass is getting bigger the natural way, beer and chips.
posted by C.A.S. at 12:45 PM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by C.A.S. at 12:45 PM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
real housewives of beverly hills is thus this sort of horror show for me. women, some of whom might be interesting if they lived different lives, discussing vaginal reconstruction over dinner like another person would talk about their new hot tub or whatever.
posted by angrycat at 12:56 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by angrycat at 12:56 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Real Housewives of ______ is a franchise of horror show, for sure. It's a lot like the Saw movies franchise, except you're rooting for the Jigsaw Killer the whole time.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:07 PM on January 8, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:07 PM on January 8, 2014 [9 favorites]
So these butts apparently last as long as a pair of Reeboks as well.
posted by crayz at 1:12 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by crayz at 1:12 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
This was on a TV drama last night! More seriously, there was a fatal case in Philly a few years back.
EDIT: Important to mention, the perpetrator in that awful case was not a doctor of any sort.
posted by Mister_A at 1:17 PM on January 8, 2014
EDIT: Important to mention, the perpetrator in that awful case was not a doctor of any sort.
posted by Mister_A at 1:17 PM on January 8, 2014
It's like WarHammer 40K fiction....
Butts for the Butt God!
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:21 PM on January 8, 2014 [14 favorites]
Butts for the Butt God!
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:21 PM on January 8, 2014 [14 favorites]
My god people JUST DO SQUATS
But that's the thing, squats may give them the ass they desire but they'll also get muscular legs. They don't want that. They want big bust, small waist, big ass, slender legs and arms.
That goal is simply unnatural.
posted by sbutler at 1:23 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
But that's the thing, squats may give them the ass they desire but they'll also get muscular legs. They don't want that. They want big bust, small waist, big ass, slender legs and arms.
That goal is simply unnatural.
posted by sbutler at 1:23 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I lived in Florida from 1991 until about 10 years ago. I was at the epicenter of crazy plastic surgery stories.
First of all THIS AD played non-stop on local channels. Stripper titties in the afternoon! No one so much as blinked.
You could get a grill at the Swap Shop Flea Market. Or hell, just get your teeth fixed in the back seat of a car!
Sure, there were tons of people who got injectibles from questionable sources, but hey, that shit's expensive and I've got a face to freeze!
People we worked with went home to Venezuela to get tummy tucks.
I'm a bit jaded. I think though, my mind got completely blown one Noche Buena waiting for the pig to be lifted out of the pit, when we were in the kitchen listening to a cousin tell the story of how she got her face lift in her kitchen. HER FUCKING FACE!
Folks, trust and believe, if there's some cheap, easy way to get the body or face or hair or whateverthefuck of your dreams, overnight, there are people out there who will RUN to have it done. It's easy to justify, "He's a real doctor in the DR, he just isn't licensed here." "In Brazil it's done all the time." "The government pays for it in Venezuela."
This isn't some weird, bizarre NEW thing that's happening. It's a weird, bizarre FOREVER thing that's been going on since women used belladonna to make their eyes more appealing.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:26 PM on January 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
First of all THIS AD played non-stop on local channels. Stripper titties in the afternoon! No one so much as blinked.
You could get a grill at the Swap Shop Flea Market. Or hell, just get your teeth fixed in the back seat of a car!
Sure, there were tons of people who got injectibles from questionable sources, but hey, that shit's expensive and I've got a face to freeze!
People we worked with went home to Venezuela to get tummy tucks.
I'm a bit jaded. I think though, my mind got completely blown one Noche Buena waiting for the pig to be lifted out of the pit, when we were in the kitchen listening to a cousin tell the story of how she got her face lift in her kitchen. HER FUCKING FACE!
Folks, trust and believe, if there's some cheap, easy way to get the body or face or hair or whateverthefuck of your dreams, overnight, there are people out there who will RUN to have it done. It's easy to justify, "He's a real doctor in the DR, he just isn't licensed here." "In Brazil it's done all the time." "The government pays for it in Venezuela."
This isn't some weird, bizarre NEW thing that's happening. It's a weird, bizarre FOREVER thing that's been going on since women used belladonna to make their eyes more appealing.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:26 PM on January 8, 2014 [7 favorites]
Butt for the grace of G*d go I.
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:26 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by Devils Rancher at 1:26 PM on January 8, 2014
Also oh my god Vice, regular butt implants do not cost $16,000.
I thought the article said they "can cost up to $10,000". Where did you pull $16,000 from? Did they ninja-edit the article?
posted by Hoopo at 1:27 PM on January 8, 2014
I thought the article said they "can cost up to $10,000". Where did you pull $16,000 from? Did they ninja-edit the article?
posted by Hoopo at 1:27 PM on January 8, 2014
Butts for the Butt God!
Things I always find funny: butts and X for the X God jokes. What I'm saying is thank you, thank you so much.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:27 PM on January 8, 2014 [9 favorites]
Things I always find funny: butts and X for the X God jokes. What I'm saying is thank you, thank you so much.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:27 PM on January 8, 2014 [9 favorites]
You're welcome.
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:33 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:33 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Why are so many people getting cloud transplants?
posted by JHarris at 1:35 PM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by JHarris at 1:35 PM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
Where did you pull $16,000 from?
I think the answer is obvious.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:36 PM on January 8, 2014 [19 favorites]
I think the answer is obvious.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:36 PM on January 8, 2014 [19 favorites]
Lols for the Lol Throne!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:36 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:36 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
(Er, cloud implants. If I'm going to make an obscure reference to a previous post, I might as well get the wording right.)
posted by JHarris at 1:37 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by JHarris at 1:37 PM on January 8, 2014
I read through the article thinking 'damn, this sounds like a Carl Hiaasen novel come to life,' then realized that the novel already exists. (Although the irl version lacks the death by marlin and the weedwhacker prosthesis.)
posted by ActionPopulated at 1:43 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by ActionPopulated at 1:43 PM on January 8, 2014
I thought the article said they "can cost up to $10,000". Where did you pull $16,000 from? Did they ninja-edit the article?
It says "cost up to $10,000 more than their illicit counterparts" and the only illicit price listed is $6000.
posted by RobotHero at 1:59 PM on January 8, 2014
It says "cost up to $10,000 more than their illicit counterparts" and the only illicit price listed is $6000.
posted by RobotHero at 1:59 PM on January 8, 2014
Butts for the Butt God!
ASS FOR THE ASS THRONE!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:59 PM on January 8, 2014
ASS FOR THE ASS THRONE!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:59 PM on January 8, 2014
Am I the only one who read "Crooked Little Vein" by Warren Ellis?
This was actually a major plot point in the book.
posted by daq at 2:01 PM on January 8, 2014
This was actually a major plot point in the book.
posted by daq at 2:01 PM on January 8, 2014
"Thousands of people worldwide"
LITERALLY MILLIONTHS OF THE POPULATION
TREND PIECES, GOSH
posted by DoctorFedora at 2:04 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
LITERALLY MILLIONTHS OF THE POPULATION
TREND PIECES, GOSH
posted by DoctorFedora at 2:04 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
...concrete?!
posted by thomas j wise at 2:06 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by thomas j wise at 2:06 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Well, with big breasts out-of-style, and the backlash from these butt shenanigans soon to be a major thing, i predict the Next Big Thing will be Big Bellies. Fat Tummies. Abs covered with flab. And I am proud to say that I was ahead of the curve here, and got mine the natural way. No gut implants for me, thank you.
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:06 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:06 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Weird, I was just subjected to third-hand gossip about someone a coworker knows whose girlfriend is saving up to "get her butt done". That said, I don't think it's black market silicone? I think it's a legit plastic surgery? Hard to tell. Office gossip about such matters is pretty nebulous.
LA is weird.
posted by Sara C. at 2:13 PM on January 8, 2014
LA is weird.
posted by Sara C. at 2:13 PM on January 8, 2014
this article could have been so good but the writer was seemingly more concerned with sounding like a douche-y dudebro throughout.
This is basically my reaction to anything from Vice, for at least a decade now.
posted by Sara C. at 2:15 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
This is basically my reaction to anything from Vice, for at least a decade now.
posted by Sara C. at 2:15 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
"Whelk, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?"
That would have worked, if you hadn't stopped him.
posted by Guy Smiley at 2:15 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
That would have worked, if you hadn't stopped him.
posted by Guy Smiley at 2:15 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think there's a Tina Fey quote that sums this up really nicely (quote is abriged for conciseness):
I don't think Tina Fey quite gets it right there.
I think Jennifer Lopez built on Mix-a-Lot's work in bringing the idea of a full bottom being something sexually and visually appealing to mainstream (effectively white) America*, but if you consume just about any of the songs, movies, art, and literature being made by and primarily for African-Americans from at least the late 1960's on, you'll find plenty of admiration and desire for a much, much fuller ass than what Hollywood, Madison Avenue, and High Fashion were trying to tell the world was nice.
Some black feminists -- including rappers and singers -- have opined that it is sort of bitterly ironic that through tanning, lip and butt injections, HW, MA, and High Fashion were telling non-black women to take things from black women to add to their idea of beauty, but still failing to feature black women themselves in their products -- or playing down those features when they can be bothered to feature a black woman.
* There was one middle aged white male sportswriter who had this real creepy habit of mentioning J Lo's behind in a great many of his articles. I don't think he does it as much anymore, but there was a stretch where pretty much every other article mentioned her bottom in some way.
posted by lord_wolf at 2:18 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
I don't think Tina Fey quite gets it right there.
I think Jennifer Lopez built on Mix-a-Lot's work in bringing the idea of a full bottom being something sexually and visually appealing to mainstream (effectively white) America*, but if you consume just about any of the songs, movies, art, and literature being made by and primarily for African-Americans from at least the late 1960's on, you'll find plenty of admiration and desire for a much, much fuller ass than what Hollywood, Madison Avenue, and High Fashion were trying to tell the world was nice.
Some black feminists -- including rappers and singers -- have opined that it is sort of bitterly ironic that through tanning, lip and butt injections, HW, MA, and High Fashion were telling non-black women to take things from black women to add to their idea of beauty, but still failing to feature black women themselves in their products -- or playing down those features when they can be bothered to feature a black woman.
* There was one middle aged white male sportswriter who had this real creepy habit of mentioning J Lo's behind in a great many of his articles. I don't think he does it as much anymore, but there was a stretch where pretty much every other article mentioned her bottom in some way.
posted by lord_wolf at 2:18 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
ominous_paws: Vice is essentially the Edgy Daily Mail at this point, I guess?
No, too much text, not enough large, color corrected photos. Vice has forever been "edgy" (their name even implies this).
posted by filthy light thief at 2:20 PM on January 8, 2014
No, too much text, not enough large, color corrected photos. Vice has forever been "edgy" (their name even implies this).
posted by filthy light thief at 2:20 PM on January 8, 2014
Butts for the Butt God!
ASS FOR THE ASS THRONE!
Hey the Oglaf thread is over there.
posted by The Whelk at 2:21 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
ASS FOR THE ASS THRONE!
Hey the Oglaf thread is over there.
posted by The Whelk at 2:21 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
Metafilter: black market butt injections
posted by Reversible Diamond-Encrusted Ermine Codpiece at 2:35 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by Reversible Diamond-Encrusted Ermine Codpiece at 2:35 PM on January 8, 2014
really that's like trying to increase breast size by doing chest presses
Are you joking or are you unaware that this is a thing that happens? Because I went up ~1.5 cup sizes.
posted by elizardbits at 2:37 PM on January 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
Are you joking or are you unaware that this is a thing that happens? Because I went up ~1.5 cup sizes.
posted by elizardbits at 2:37 PM on January 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
...big breasts out-of-style...
The deuce you say!
posted by The Tensor at 2:40 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
The deuce you say!
posted by The Tensor at 2:40 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I mean like I'm obviously aware that this did not increase the actual mammary-gland-having breast tissue but instead embiggened the pectoral muscle behind the breast tissue but the overall result is in fact the same.
posted by elizardbits at 2:41 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 2:41 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
It says "cost up to $10,000 more than their illicit counterparts" and the only illicit price listed is $6000.
Yes, this. I did a maths.
posted by elizardbits at 2:42 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
Yes, this. I did a maths.
posted by elizardbits at 2:42 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
Where's the black market twerking, and how much does that cost?
posted by oceanjesse at 2:45 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by oceanjesse at 2:45 PM on January 8, 2014
I am totally in favor of increasing the number of body types we find attractive and also basing less of our approbation on appearance, but every time some new physical attribute is deemed "good", it just narrows down the type of body we actually admire.
Yeah....I'm just old (and white) enough that I remember when you had to worry that your butt was too big, and now I'm still just young enough to be in the demographic that's supposed to be concerned that the butt isn't big enough. Oh, my, God, Becky.
posted by blue suede stockings at 3:13 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yeah....I'm just old (and white) enough that I remember when you had to worry that your butt was too big, and now I'm still just young enough to be in the demographic that's supposed to be concerned that the butt isn't big enough. Oh, my, God, Becky.
posted by blue suede stockings at 3:13 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
FTA: "one of the nation’s most notorious ass quacks"
Going straight on my business cards.
posted by rmless at 3:14 PM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
Going straight on my business cards.
posted by rmless at 3:14 PM on January 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
Everything about this article is seemingly calculated to ruin my appetite, from the concept of people wanting grotesquely large and out-of-proportion rear ends, to the descriptions of the things done to produce them, to the illustrations, to the smarmy tone of the writing. I made it much more than halfway through, but I now wish I had not made the effort.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:14 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:14 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
There are a few flea markets I frequent, and all of them feature a mix of about 70% new, imported goods and 30% garage sale-type stuff (which is what attracts me). The vendors of imported clothing tend to have a largely Latino client base. What's fascinating to me is that the mannequins are totally, completely different creatures than what you'd see in a more mainstream American department store. Most notably, the lower torsos have big old puffy butt cheeks.
It was immediately noticeable to me, as a white chick, when I started going to these places, and it demonstrates how cultural our ideals are, especially for women.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:26 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
It was immediately noticeable to me, as a white chick, when I started going to these places, and it demonstrates how cultural our ideals are, especially for women.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:26 PM on January 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
it’s impossible to quantify exactly how many people in the US are illegally getting their butts pumped up like a pair of Reebok
Bullshit, just ask them. People who like big butts cannot lie.
No, the admirers cannot lie. Nothing is said about those with the aforementioned (lol) butts.
posted by MikeKD at 3:39 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Bullshit, just ask them. People who like big butts cannot lie.
No, the admirers cannot lie. Nothing is said about those with the aforementioned (lol) butts.
posted by MikeKD at 3:39 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
My god people JUST DO SQUATS
Yeah, my other half saw her butt in the mirror the other day and was like, "My god! What happened to my butt?! I have a butt now! This is the best my butt has EVER looked, ever!" and that's only after three months of doing squats twice a week for three sets and not even increasing the weight or whatever. But yeah, it's pretty well-known that squats help build, develop and lift the...uh...gluteal muscles.
posted by infinitywaltz at 3:41 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yeah, my other half saw her butt in the mirror the other day and was like, "My god! What happened to my butt?! I have a butt now! This is the best my butt has EVER looked, ever!" and that's only after three months of doing squats twice a week for three sets and not even increasing the weight or whatever. But yeah, it's pretty well-known that squats help build, develop and lift the...uh...gluteal muscles.
posted by infinitywaltz at 3:41 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you're going to do the squatz, you can't forget the oatz.
posted by entropicamericana at 3:54 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by entropicamericana at 3:54 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
"You Nexus, huh? I design your butt."
"If only you could see what I've done with your butt."
Also, as an inveterate both-genders buttman I sort of feel like I am responsible for terrorism now
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:18 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
"If only you could see what I've done with your butt."
Also, as an inveterate both-genders buttman I sort of feel like I am responsible for terrorism now
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:18 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I hate myself for thinking this, but I wonder if there is any overlap between the butt enhancement population and the anus bleaching population.
posted by Danf at 4:26 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Danf at 4:26 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
TL; DR - DAT ASS
posted by jayder at 4:29 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by jayder at 4:29 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
the only illicit price listed is $6000.
Other than the $3000 one mentioned as the first procedure she underwent. Also "up to" $10,000 more.
posted by Hoopo at 4:34 PM on January 8, 2014
Other than the $3000 one mentioned as the first procedure she underwent. Also "up to" $10,000 more.
posted by Hoopo at 4:34 PM on January 8, 2014
Illegal Ass Enhancements
Band name.
I liked them better before they got big.
posted by yoink at 5:11 PM on January 8, 2014 [16 favorites]
Band name.
I liked them better before they got big.
posted by yoink at 5:11 PM on January 8, 2014 [16 favorites]
Artificially Inflated Hipster
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:21 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:21 PM on January 8, 2014
I liked them better before they got big.
It's only when the band breaks up that things will get really dangerous.
posted by jaduncan at 5:28 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's only when the band breaks up that things will get really dangerous.
posted by jaduncan at 5:28 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
"Big" is one thing. Where "big" lands with age is another. I do not want my ass in a sling (rather literally) in order to keep it where my money put it, some 10 years on. Like shopping for jeans that fit isn't enough to produce a tectonic plate-shifting anxiety attack already.
posted by datawrangler at 5:51 PM on January 8, 2014
posted by datawrangler at 5:51 PM on January 8, 2014
the writer was seemingly more concerned with sounding like a douche-y dudebro throughout.
Vice's tone is important and useful. The publication renders itself politically incorrect to Republicans, Democrats, and their assorted affiliates, a costly, and therefore more probably honest, signal of credibility for those of us attempting to avoid those groups' disinformation campaigns.
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 6:00 PM on January 8, 2014
Vice's tone is important and useful. The publication renders itself politically incorrect to Republicans, Democrats, and their assorted affiliates, a costly, and therefore more probably honest, signal of credibility for those of us attempting to avoid those groups' disinformation campaigns.
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 6:00 PM on January 8, 2014
The pictures of ass implants gone wrong was horrible, but what really made me gag was the writing:
...she writhed up and down a chrome pole that seemed to extend into the heavens... the flesh of her ass rippled ... like that cup of water in Jurassic Park. And for the pièce de résistance, ... Seven wrapped her meaty, greased-up cheeks around the chrome beanstalk and slid them down to the floor like molasses dripping down the stem of a fork.
posted by BlueHorse at 6:03 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
...she writhed up and down a chrome pole that seemed to extend into the heavens... the flesh of her ass rippled ... like that cup of water in Jurassic Park. And for the pièce de résistance, ... Seven wrapped her meaty, greased-up cheeks around the chrome beanstalk and slid them down to the floor like molasses dripping down the stem of a fork.
posted by BlueHorse at 6:03 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
That is an excellent juxtaposition of comments.
posted by zombieflanders at 6:06 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by zombieflanders at 6:06 PM on January 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Must be jelly 'cause jam don't... oh, no I guess it's jam.
posted by angerbot at 6:13 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by angerbot at 6:13 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
"one of the nation’s most notorious ass quacks"
fuck why can't we change usernames
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:14 PM on January 8, 2014 [12 favorites]
fuck why can't we change usernames
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:14 PM on January 8, 2014 [12 favorites]
mudpuppie: It was immediately noticeable to me, as a white chick, when I started going to these places, and it demonstrates how cultural our ideals are, especially for women.
Along the same lines, this article about the changes in mannequins in Venezuela recently was pretty interesting.
posted by sneebler at 7:14 PM on January 8, 2014
Along the same lines, this article about the changes in mannequins in Venezuela recently was pretty interesting.
posted by sneebler at 7:14 PM on January 8, 2014
With a name like mine, I won't dare make a crack about all of this.
posted by ShutterBun at 8:12 PM on January 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by ShutterBun at 8:12 PM on January 8, 2014 [5 favorites]
I won't dare make a crack about all of this
posted by ShutterBun
I saw what you did there.
posted by datawrangler at 8:36 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by ShutterBun
I saw what you did there.
posted by datawrangler at 8:36 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
MetaFilter: just one teardrop in an ocean of ass
posted by XMLicious at 9:52 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by XMLicious at 9:52 PM on January 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
At the club, I found myself gawking through a flurry of green dollar bills at the immense hams on a sweet, redbone girl
OK, is "redbone" as weird and racist term as it sounds to me? I freely admit I've never heard it before. I guess I just assume the worst when it comes to words describing skin color.
posted by mollymayhem at 10:53 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
OK, is "redbone" as weird and racist term as it sounds to me? I freely admit I've never heard it before. I guess I just assume the worst when it comes to words describing skin color.
posted by mollymayhem at 10:53 PM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I hate myself for thinking this, but I wonder if there is any overlap between the butt enhancement population and the anus bleaching population.
They meet in the middle.
posted by Dip Flash at 11:22 PM on January 8, 2014 [8 favorites]
They meet in the middle.
posted by Dip Flash at 11:22 PM on January 8, 2014 [8 favorites]
With a name like mine, I won't dare make a crack about all of this. [more]
favorited 2 times, recently by feckless fecal fear mongering
Gonna count that as an eponysterical-fave, I think.
posted by ShutterBun at 2:09 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
favorited 2 times, recently by feckless fecal fear mongering
Gonna count that as an eponysterical-fave, I think.
posted by ShutterBun at 2:09 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
OK, is "redbone" as weird and racist term as it sounds to me?
It's been around for quite some time in black America, particularly in the South though it pops up all over the place. It's usually, though not always, used to describe black (i.e., not bi/multi-racial) women who are lightly complected, but as with most words, it's often used a little more broadly than that.
And, yeah, even though you'll find some black women who proudly use the term to describe themselves (e.g., a few of my nieces), it's deeply, deeply problematic for a variety of reasons that are too numerous and weighty for this thread -- think of it as more or less a modern equivalent of "high yellow."
posted by lord_wolf at 8:13 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's been around for quite some time in black America, particularly in the South though it pops up all over the place. It's usually, though not always, used to describe black (i.e., not bi/multi-racial) women who are lightly complected, but as with most words, it's often used a little more broadly than that.
And, yeah, even though you'll find some black women who proudly use the term to describe themselves (e.g., a few of my nieces), it's deeply, deeply problematic for a variety of reasons that are too numerous and weighty for this thread -- think of it as more or less a modern equivalent of "high yellow."
posted by lord_wolf at 8:13 AM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
OK, is "redbone" as weird and racist term as it sounds to me?
Yes. Generally not OK to use if you're a white person, and even if you are using it in an in-group "reclaimed" sense, it's absolutely not a neutral term. It's yet another example of the icky douchey tone Vice tends to employ for no particular reason, and almost in willful insistence on being awful.
posted by Sara C. at 9:44 AM on January 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Yes. Generally not OK to use if you're a white person, and even if you are using it in an in-group "reclaimed" sense, it's absolutely not a neutral term. It's yet another example of the icky douchey tone Vice tends to employ for no particular reason, and almost in willful insistence on being awful.
posted by Sara C. at 9:44 AM on January 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
OK, is "redbone" as weird and racist term as it sounds to me? I freely admit I've never heard it before. I guess I just assume the worst when it comes to words describing skin color.
posted by mollymayhem 12 hours ago [1 favorite +]
More common than redbone, in my experience, is "red."
Maybe it's problematic for white people to use it, but I have never once heard a white person use the terms redbone, red, or high yellow. "Light-skinned" is what white people say.
posted by jayder at 11:19 AM on January 9, 2014
posted by mollymayhem 12 hours ago [1 favorite +]
More common than redbone, in my experience, is "red."
Maybe it's problematic for white people to use it, but I have never once heard a white person use the terms redbone, red, or high yellow. "Light-skinned" is what white people say.
posted by jayder at 11:19 AM on January 9, 2014
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posted by JHarris at 10:53 AM on January 8, 2014 [2 favorites]