There should have been a weight limit sign on that dock...

June 3, 2014 8:28 PM

I think we're going to need a bigger dock....
posted by HuronBob (58 comments total)

It's official: Vimeo has been purchased by YouTube.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:36 PM on June 3, 2014 [8 favorites]

Oh, my god.
posted by Area Man at 8:44 PM on June 3, 2014 [10 favorites]

yea, what was ever supposed to be the difference between the two anyways?
posted by emptythought at 8:44 PM on June 3, 2014

Is that really 11 or 12 groomsmen?

I don't even like that many people.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:44 PM on June 3, 2014 [64 favorites]

A teenage beaver is off camera giggling hysterically.
posted by arcticseal at 8:49 PM on June 3, 2014 [19 favorites]

Those tags... *slow clap*.

But yea, power to them but I don't understand that many groomsmen/maids of honor. Every time I see that I flashback to Bilbo's birthday speech where he says, "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

I just can't grok the reasoning behind it but people are different so, again, best of luck to them as their weddings surge across the nation destroying small docks, stairwells, making untold wedding photographers sigh and say under their breath 'oh another one of these weddings', and making airline billing departments chortle with glee.
posted by RolandOfEld at 8:55 PM on June 3, 2014 [9 favorites]

O.K. that bridesmaid on the end? The one who runs toward safety the second she hears the dock crack? I want her on MY team!
posted by Floydd at 8:56 PM on June 3, 2014 [22 favorites]

O.K. that bridesmaid on the end

To be fair, what did you want the guys at the end or the other bridesmaids to do, flap their arms and hover? They saw what was coming just as soon as she did, she just happened to actually have a GTFO option, which she does get some props for taking and for the self-preservation instinct and for not being the person holding up the others who also saw daylight at the end of the tunnel as the train, I mean water, was bearing down on them.

Those guys at the end... they just quit squirming (in the hope that there was a chance that it wasn't too late, spoiler, it was) then braced up and waited for the inevitable. Groomsmen With Nowhere to Go (and cellphones/wallets in pockets), we salute you.

Oddly enough it looks like the Bride was bearing up like a champ, smiling all the way through from what I could glean.

Seriously, each time you watch it you learn a little bit more about humanity...
posted by RolandOfEld at 9:12 PM on June 3, 2014 [10 favorites]

It seems like this happens every couple of months. I mean it's always funny to see this happen to these ridiculously enormous wedding parties — especially to the kind of people who would both wear the wrong formal clothes for the time of day and wear tennis shoes with them — but enough is enough, huh?
posted by ob1quixote at 9:12 PM on June 3, 2014 [3 favorites]

I'm pretty sure this is retribution for whatever those groomsmen are wearing on their feet. Like ... karma didn't have time to plan nothin' fancy, just had to fix this problem right now.
posted by komara at 9:13 PM on June 3, 2014 [10 favorites]

yea, what was ever supposed to be the difference between the two anyways?

Vimeo was [still is] slower than snake shit to load?
posted by BlueHorse at 9:28 PM on June 3, 2014 [3 favorites]

And vimeo doesn't ask for a login every time some random person reports a nipple.

The way most of them just slowly sink rather than run for dry ground is impressive, but also sort of sad.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:33 PM on June 3, 2014

Bride and groom have big-ol grins, they’re all right by me.

I hypothesize this was one of those photos-AFTER-the-ceremony kind of plans. So they’re thinking, yay I get to take this ridiculous thing off an hour early
posted by axoplasm at 9:38 PM on June 3, 2014

I've been in these situations before. I'm totally the person that will push you outta the way to save myself. Sorry if you're that person, but you're getting wet.
posted by ZaneJ. at 9:45 PM on June 3, 2014

axoplasm: “I hypothesize this was one of those photos-AFTER-the-ceremony kind of plans.”

From the impression I got from seeing this on both the NBC and ABC Nightly News broadcasts tonight, and USA Today confirms, these were pre-ceremony photos.
posted by ob1quixote at 9:58 PM on June 3, 2014

Well thank god it's being covered as the national news event it clearly is.
posted by stargell at 10:02 PM on June 3, 2014 [28 favorites]

They saw what was coming just as soon as she did, she just happened to actually have a GTFO option

Nah, there's about five feet of daylight between her and the bridesmaid she was right next to before that one reacts. She did have strategic position but she also had great reflexes and decisiveness. Clearly the bridesmaid to select for your zombie apocalypse team.
posted by tavella at 10:28 PM on June 3, 2014 [6 favorites]

Wedding Dockmageddon 2014: LIVE UPDATES EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR FOREVER.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:29 PM on June 3, 2014 [4 favorites]

Well, to be fair, if they reported the important things going on, viz. we're all going to end our days in misery and it's the fault of maybe 0.01% of the people on the whole planet, nobody would watch.
posted by ob1quixote at 10:29 PM on June 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

By which I mean, I agree completely. I was disgusted it was presumably on all three nightly news broadcasts.
posted by ob1quixote at 10:30 PM on June 3, 2014

I feel like it must be a national news event based again, to elaborate on shakespeherian's point, the size if the bridal party; who else has so many folks involved but real live important people?

I'm not even sure I'd have that many people to invite to my hypothetical wedding, let alone put on tuxes for me, fancy shoes or not.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:32 PM on June 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm the guy who takes the cue to start swimming out to sea. The far shore can't be THAT far.
posted by 256 at 10:39 PM on June 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

there's about five feet of daylight between her and the bridesmaid she was right next to before that one reacts.

True, but I respectfully disagree with the notion that the fact that the gap exists serves as any evidence of her zombie-avoidance proclivity. A good baseline perhaps...

When the car in front of me leaves, I still cannot accelerate instantly, so I will remain stopped for a moment. I must delay leaving for a moment. If I started up instantly, I'd stay too close to the car ahead of me, and that would not be safe. Each departing car must delay in the same way

Clearly the bridesmaid to select for your zombie apocalypse team.

I'd take the guy who started reaching to save his phone and wallet before the dock was halfway down any day. Plus he's larger and I probably slower than me... Yea, I said it.
posted by RolandOfEld at 10:45 PM on June 3, 2014

The far shore can't be THAT far.
We survived, nay succeeded, by following your orders in EVE Online fleet battles how exactly...?
posted by RolandOfEld at 10:47 PM on June 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

What's up? Dock?

No?
posted by benito.strauss at 10:52 PM on June 3, 2014 [7 favorites]

stargell: "Well thank god it's being covered as the national news event it clearly is."

Quick! Someone go send a reporter out there and ask them if they found the missing airplane under the dock!
posted by schmod at 11:42 PM on June 3, 2014

I've been in these situations before. I'm totally the person that will push you outta the way to save myself. Sorry if you're that person, but you're getting wet.

George Costanza has a Metafilter account?
posted by The Gooch at 11:52 PM on June 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

George Packer, I believe, is doing the insider report via unnamed sources in next week's New Yorker, and the retrospective about what-it-all-means will be handled by Anatol Lieven in the New York Review of Books around September.
posted by dhartung at 12:02 AM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

Looking forward to the Bill Viola reshoot.
posted by aesop at 12:20 AM on June 4, 2014 [3 favorites]

hal_c_on: "And apparently, its ok to have several very good friends who will fly halfway across the country to engage in all sorts of cultural activities."

I'm all for an extended definition of the "culture" concept and everything, but "standing on a dock together" might be stretching it.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 1:37 AM on June 4, 2014

stargell: "Well thank god it's being covered as the national news event it clearly is."

International news. There are British and Swedish journalists posting comments on the video, asking to use it.
posted by brokkr at 2:04 AM on June 4, 2014

Those accents are Minnesota so hard, I teared up.
posted by Foam Pants at 4:17 AM on June 4, 2014 [5 favorites]

The blessed of the web.
posted by clvrmnky at 4:49 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

They are indeed Minnesotan, which makes me wonder why their were so many screams. You don't live in the Land of 10,000 Lakes without a few docks collapsing beneath you. I used to walk to summer camp by clambering over the ruins of collapsed docks on lake Minnetonka. They say that Paul Bunyon and his blue ox Babe used to use collapsed docks as combs. Our state flag is an image of a collapsed dock. The University of Minnesota college cheer includes the words "Rah rah rah for ski-u-ma, rah for the collapsed dock." Hell, our local Democratic Party, the DFL, stands for Don't Fall in a Lake.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 4:55 AM on June 4, 2014 [43 favorites]

i kind of wish the cameraperson had kept filming or if they did hadn't edited it to cut out the climbing out of water carnage... is that wrong?
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 5:13 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'd take the guy who started reaching to save his phone and wallet before the dock was halfway down any day. Plus he's larger and I probably slower than me... Yea, I said it.

I fell off a dock last summer, when I sat down in a folding chair that apparently wasn't set up properly. As I slipped backwards into the water, my first thought was "thank God I left my phone inside," my second thought was "hey, am I going to hit my head on that boat behind me?"

It's important to have priorities.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 5:32 AM on June 4, 2014 [6 favorites]

Guess she won't be selling that dress on Ebay.
posted by echocollate at 6:12 AM on June 4, 2014

Not on eBay, but I'm sure there's a fetishist site for half soaked wedding dresses.
posted by ursus_comiter at 6:15 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

You might want to recalibrate your accenteometer. The video was filmed by Megan Fritze, a native of Eagan.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 6:30 AM on June 4, 2014

I wonder who came up with the idea of all those people assembled on that dock? At first I thought, wow....not going to be very popular with the bridal party. Then after watching this go viral and the whole party having their moment of fame....how quickly one can go from goat to hero.
posted by notreally at 7:05 AM on June 4, 2014

Why wasn't Megan invited to be in the video?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:06 AM on June 4, 2014

They are indeed Minnesotan

So the wedding was held up north, by the lake, then? This makes perfect sense now.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:07 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

Aftermath photos! And a couple ceremony photos. The wedding was only delayed 10 minutes, and all groomsmen wore pants, claims internet.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:14 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

i kind of wish the cameraperson had kept filming or if they did hadn't edited it to cut out the climbing out of water carnage... is that wrong?

The omitted second half shows them devoured by the kraken.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:18 AM on June 4, 2014 [7 favorites]

Omitted if you get all your news from the biased human media. That second part's all over Kraken News, as a lighthearted piece to take minds off the troubles of the world.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:24 AM on June 4, 2014 [2 favorites]

i kind of wish the cameraperson had kept filming or if they did hadn't edited it to cut out the climbing out of water carnage... is that wrong?

The omitted second half shows them devoured by the kraken

The omitted second half shows them going, "Oh my god, did you get that on camera???!" Followed by howling, cackling laughter as they all realize that, even though the wedding wasn't perfect, it was perfect "in its own quirky way," which is validated by the existence of the video. Thank god we did not see the second half of the video.
posted by Halogenhat at 7:30 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

Why did that many people pile onto an obviously old dock in the first place? It's like the rash of party/porch collapses in Chicago about 10-15 years ago.... 25-50 people in a space only meant to hold 2 or 3 at a time is not a sane thing to do.
posted by MikeWarot at 7:35 AM on June 4, 2014

Nah, there's about five feet of daylight between her and the bridesmaid she was right next to before that one reacts. She did have strategic position but she also had great reflexes and decisiveness. Clearly the bridesmaid to select for your zombie apocalypse team.

Watching it again, yeah, bridesmaid #2 is kind of just standing there and bridesmaid #3 actually reacts quicker and manages to dash ahead of #2 (or George Costanza-ishly push #2 out of the way, depending on how you see it).
posted by naoko at 7:37 AM on June 4, 2014

I like how, whether they went down with the ship or scurried to safety, not one single bridesmaid (or the bride!) let go of their bouquet. The guys are standing there worried about their cellphones and wallets, but those bridesmaids have their minds on the essentials.
posted by easily confused at 7:45 AM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm happy to see freshwater kraken are finally getting some recognition. Everyone focuses on the big north sea kraken discussed in the Icelandic sagas and other traditional sources, but the smaller lake-dwelling kraken of Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Ontario can quite fierce in their own way. I wouldn't think of buying a cabin or parcel of lakefront property without first getting a report on the lake from a Kraken inspector.
posted by Area Man at 7:47 AM on June 4, 2014 [6 favorites]

I wouldn't think of buying a cabin or parcel of lakefront property without first getting a report on the lake from a Kraken inspector.

Confirming: you mean an inspector who IS a Kraken, right? With a little hard hat and clipboard giving you helpful information about the local Kraken community?
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:56 AM on June 4, 2014 [7 favorites]

(For the record, my comments last night about people and their wedding party size should be interpreted more about my general failure as a social creature and deep-seated misanthropy, not as a judgement of people with lots of friends and family who would travel to their wedding. These people, especially the bride and groom, seem lovely.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:59 AM on June 4, 2014

Confirming: you mean an inspector who IS a Kraken, right? With a little hard hat and clipboard giving you helpful information about the local Kraken community?

Exactly. The key to meeting with the Kraken inspector is that you can't look relieved upon hearing that the lake in question has few Kraken.
posted by Area Man at 8:11 AM on June 4, 2014 [3 favorites]

George Costanza: "[That dock] eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offence."
posted by I'm Doing the Dishes at 9:02 AM on June 4, 2014

Criticizing wedding party size qua size seems kind of pointless and sour. Sure, it can mean an over-elaborate wedding, or it could just mean the bride and groom have a substantial group of close friends and family and don't want to anyone to feel left out or in a lesser grade of friendship. They seem to have taken the mishap in good humor, which suggests they weren't overinvested in the Perfect Wedding.
posted by tavella at 9:03 AM on June 4, 2014

> Confirming: you mean an inspector who IS a Kraken, right

There's no need for cephlapod-first language. "Kraken-American" is not an insult.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:55 AM on June 4, 2014

Not that I'm awesome at guessing people's weights -- I'm no carny -- but I figured 170lbs. for the gents, 110lbs. for the ladies, and got a number that was over 3000 pounds.

Rule of thumb: 20 people is way too many for anything that might normally hold around 5 people, and would be crowded with 10 people. That goes especially for anything on the water, which is forgiving when you fall into it, and merciless if you can't stay afloat.
posted by Sunburnt at 10:44 AM on June 4, 2014

Why wasn't Megan invited to be in the video?!

Conspiracy me says that's because Megan was the one who engineered the disaster, and "Jumps to Safety Bridesmaid" was obviously in on it. I have a wall of stills from the film connected by string, so wake up sheeple!
posted by happyroach at 5:17 PM on June 4, 2014 [1 favorite]