Squeeze those pips
August 5, 2014 11:46 PM Subscribe
“Hey,” I said to my boyfriend. “So I need to do something weird to your dick later.” I thought for a second and then added, “It’s for work,” as if that somehow made it better. My boyfriend nodded curiously. “It’s a grapefruit. I need to put a grapefruit on your dick. I’m sorry.”Gabrielle Moss tries the grapefruit blowjob technique as recommended by Auntie Angel. NSFW.
Auntie Angel aka Denise Walker started doing sex education professionally after she found out she had a knack for it:
So when was Angel “born”?It also helped her in dealing with her own bad experiences with sexual assault:
Ten years ago. I was with a particular guy. I was so excited about things I was doing with him that I started telling my girlfriends, and they were dumbfounded. They were like, “You have to show us.” They started telling their friends, and they told their friends. That’s how Angel was born, out of helping my girlfriends. But it spread like fire – it just went everywhere.
I found that I loved sex when I was in control of it, doing what I wanted to do. I eventually branched out of the promiscuity. I got God in my life and I turned my love of sex – especially positive, empowered sex – into something I use to help other people. So I flipped what happened to me into something positive, and that’s where Angel came in.
Those with citric allergies need not apply. But seriously, isn't that a fairly large amount of critric acid to apply to an area that one might have shaved recently?
posted by doctor_negative at 12:07 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by doctor_negative at 12:07 AM on August 6, 2014
This is as stupid as the fire challenge.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:13 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by five fresh fish at 12:13 AM on August 6, 2014
Even after RTFA, you're not curious in the slightest? Drop the vanilla kink, make it a grapefruit!
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 12:15 AM on August 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 12:15 AM on August 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
...thumb and forefinger...?
posted by Reyturner at 12:16 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Reyturner at 12:16 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Just don't Google the cinnamon challenge. Unless you're into it.
posted by Mr. Six at 12:25 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by Mr. Six at 12:25 AM on August 6, 2014
I love how they dress these articles up with "actually food has a long and storied history with sex..."
meanwhile *scrolls to where is the fucking blowjob part already*
posted by univac at 12:35 AM on August 6, 2014 [42 favorites]
meanwhile *scrolls to where is the fucking blowjob part already*
posted by univac at 12:35 AM on August 6, 2014 [42 favorites]
*grapefruit-crowned-penis waves back*
posted by univac at 12:40 AM on August 6, 2014 [60 favorites]
posted by univac at 12:40 AM on August 6, 2014 [60 favorites]
The acidity probably isn't too much of an issue. Y'see, there was this one desperate time in my life when I was in a KOA bathroom with a handful of barbecue sauce packets...
posted by mikurski at 12:43 AM on August 6, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by mikurski at 12:43 AM on August 6, 2014 [10 favorites]
Ick. I don't like grapefruit. It's the citrus I like the very least.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 12:45 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 12:45 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
MetaFilter: more exciting than just licking a penis that tastes like penis.
posted by loquacious at 12:46 AM on August 6, 2014 [20 favorites]
posted by loquacious at 12:46 AM on August 6, 2014 [20 favorites]
Normally I read these things and think "Oh God as if you could be arsed" but this sounds like fun. Plus grapefruit is a diet food so this is pure win-win!
posted by billiebee at 12:47 AM on August 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 12:47 AM on August 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Fuck the grapefruit, that blowjob gave the lavalier a run for its money.
posted by phaedon at 12:56 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by phaedon at 12:56 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
*looks eagerly for mandarin*
posted by Segundus at 1:02 AM on August 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 1:02 AM on August 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
Nine years telling my SO I can't abide grapefruit.
posted by biffa at 1:10 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by biffa at 1:10 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Next up: A Buddha's handjob?
posted by aubilenon at 1:18 AM on August 6, 2014 [25 favorites]
posted by aubilenon at 1:18 AM on August 6, 2014 [25 favorites]
My boyfriend described the texture of the grapefruit pulp as vagina-likeComing soon to theaters: American Grapefruit
posted by narain at 2:13 AM on August 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
Ick. I don't like grapefruit. It's the citrus I like the very least.
Put on the Rocket Raccoon costume on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:20 AM on August 6, 2014
Put on the Rocket Raccoon costume on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:20 AM on August 6, 2014
"...a fellatio technique supposedly so pleasurable and thrilling, it can induce a heart attack."
DNRTFA, but are we certain this "Auntie Angel" isn't a retired James Bond villainess?
posted by Captain l'escalier at 2:22 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
DNRTFA, but are we certain this "Auntie Angel" isn't a retired James Bond villainess?
posted by Captain l'escalier at 2:22 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
Or perhaps not retired, and this article is but viral training for her Army of Amazons...We'll just have to await the"go" signal and hope our boy James is up to the challenge.
posted by Captain l'escalier at 2:39 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Captain l'escalier at 2:39 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
I like this Auntie Angel:
Your vagina is amazing – she is so amazing that, nine times out of ten, a man you’re having sex with will have an orgasm. That’s how great she is.
Yes, that's right, if you put your penis in my vagina, there's a 10% chance I'm gonna stop this before you ejaculate, so *pay attention to me*.
Yeah, I like her very much, even though there is no Nobel prize for advances in the field of fellatio, which there totally should be.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 2:47 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your vagina is amazing – she is so amazing that, nine times out of ten, a man you’re having sex with will have an orgasm. That’s how great she is.
Yes, that's right, if you put your penis in my vagina, there's a 10% chance I'm gonna stop this before you ejaculate, so *pay attention to me*.
Yeah, I like her very much, even though there is no Nobel prize for advances in the field of fellatio, which there totally should be.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 2:47 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Maybe it could be The Jenna Marie Massoli Prize in Sexonomics in Memory of Alfred Nobel?
posted by Elementary Penguin at 3:03 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Elementary Penguin at 3:03 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Grapefruit contraindicated if using cholesterol lowering statins. Not sure if this applies in this case. Research is unlikely
posted by rmhsinc at 3:13 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by rmhsinc at 3:13 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
I wanted to suggest the grapefruit blowjob to my girlfriend but she beat me to it. I was pipped at the post.
posted by Decani at 3:18 AM on August 6, 2014 [15 favorites]
posted by Decani at 3:18 AM on August 6, 2014 [15 favorites]
If you want to try this technique but you're not hung enough to poke through a whole grapefruit, try using a kumquat!
posted by jake at 3:20 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by jake at 3:20 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
For all those too afraid to watch the video (chickens), Auntie Angel does clarify that if you are on meds that don't permit grapefruit, are allergic or simply dislike grapefruit, a large navel orange may be substituted.
posted by gingerest at 3:20 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by gingerest at 3:20 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Damn it, that would have seemed like an awesome response to gingerest if only I'd waited 5 seconds to hit Post Comment
posted by jake at 3:21 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by jake at 3:21 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Well, I'm on meds that I thought didn't permit grapefruit, but I found out recently that they're okay with it after all...
posted by daisyk at 3:24 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by daisyk at 3:24 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
I thought back on all my years reading Pinterest, and realized that this was truly the first time any craft project I had found on the Internet had actually worked out.
I lol'd.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:26 AM on August 6, 2014 [13 favorites]
I lol'd.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:26 AM on August 6, 2014 [13 favorites]
This sounds awful and is never never happening. Sorry, citrus fetishists.
Your vagina is amazing – she is so amazing that, nine times out of ten, a man you’re having sex with will have an orgasm. That’s how great she is.
Though to be fair nine times out of ten a man having sex with a creepy hand-held plastic vagina, warm apple pie, a pillow, a tubesock, a box of kleenex, wadded up blankets, or a bowl of buttered linguini would also have an orgasm.
posted by Justinian at 4:08 AM on August 6, 2014 [15 favorites]
Your vagina is amazing – she is so amazing that, nine times out of ten, a man you’re having sex with will have an orgasm. That’s how great she is.
Though to be fair nine times out of ten a man having sex with a creepy hand-held plastic vagina, warm apple pie, a pillow, a tubesock, a box of kleenex, wadded up blankets, or a bowl of buttered linguini would also have an orgasm.
posted by Justinian at 4:08 AM on August 6, 2014 [15 favorites]
Linguini, you say?
posted by Segundus at 4:15 AM on August 6, 2014 [20 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 4:15 AM on August 6, 2014 [20 favorites]
For an ego-boost, use a pomelo (binomial name Citrus maxima)!
posted by phunniemee at 4:16 AM on August 6, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 4:16 AM on August 6, 2014 [7 favorites]
Purely in the interest of scientific rigour, this should probably be tried in a blinded experiment, with tightly restricted degrees of freedom.
posted by metaBugs at 4:16 AM on August 6, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by metaBugs at 4:16 AM on August 6, 2014 [8 favorites]
Maybe it’s because I’m a neat freak; maybe it’s because it always seemed too Caligula-style decadent;
I have to say if you think using food in bed is 'Caligula-style decadent' you desperately need to get out more.
posted by winna at 4:26 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
I have to say if you think using food in bed is 'Caligula-style decadent' you desperately need to get out more.
posted by winna at 4:26 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
Squeeze my lemon til the juice runs down my leg
posted by GallonOfAlan at 4:26 AM on August 6, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by GallonOfAlan at 4:26 AM on August 6, 2014 [9 favorites]
If you want to try this technique but you're not hung enough to poke through a whole grapefruit, try using a kumquat!
If this grapefruit technique actually works as well as it's supposed to, I think kumquat is probably the last thing I'll do.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:26 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
If this grapefruit technique actually works as well as it's supposed to, I think kumquat is probably the last thing I'll do.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:26 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Does this technique work with clementines? Because...well...um...
posted by Thorzdad at 4:27 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Thorzdad at 4:27 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'd be remiss if I didn't add to this thread by noting that the only dirty pun I know in Italian involves transposing the words pompelmo (grapefruit) and pompino (blowjob). You're welcome.
posted by psoas at 4:30 AM on August 6, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by psoas at 4:30 AM on August 6, 2014 [16 favorites]
Thorzdad: "Does this technique work with clementines? Because...well...um..."
♫ Oh my Darling, Oh my Darling,
Oh my Darling Clementine. ♫
posted by octothorpe at 4:35 AM on August 6, 2014 [17 favorites]
♫ Oh my Darling, Oh my Darling,
Oh my Darling Clementine. ♫
posted by octothorpe at 4:35 AM on August 6, 2014 [17 favorites]
What if you use Olive Oyl instead of butter on the linguini?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:53 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:53 AM on August 6, 2014
Those noises Auntie Angel makes... they might kind of kill the mood.
posted by Flashman at 5:10 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Flashman at 5:10 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
Greg are you sure she wasn't talking about that Reagan FPP?
Brings a whole new meaning to "win one for the Gipper".
posted by smoke at 5:12 AM on August 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Brings a whole new meaning to "win one for the Gipper".
posted by smoke at 5:12 AM on August 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Greg Nog: OH MY GOSH I AM GOING TO TRY THIS
I expect a liveblog.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:20 AM on August 6, 2014 [7 favorites]
I expect a liveblog.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:20 AM on August 6, 2014 [7 favorites]
Why does the article not link directly to the youtube channel of Auntie Angel? It links to half a dozen other things, including a freaking Sade music video on youtube! That's poor form.
They say it became a regular exercise for them, I just hope they ate all the grapefruits because wasting food sucks.
The Auntie Angel video is explicit (she sucks a dildo - scary loud, it's super close to the mic) but good. There are so many fun things to do, I welcome everyone who encourages folks to be playful. Go Auntie Angel!
posted by travelwithcats at 5:26 AM on August 6, 2014
They say it became a regular exercise for them, I just hope they ate all the grapefruits because wasting food sucks.
The Auntie Angel video is explicit (she sucks a dildo - scary loud, it's super close to the mic) but good. There are so many fun things to do, I welcome everyone who encourages folks to be playful. Go Auntie Angel!
posted by travelwithcats at 5:26 AM on August 6, 2014
I salute this woman, her arcane knowledge, her wit, and the almost-frightening wildcat noises she makes while going down on a dude.
posted by middleclasstool at 5:31 AM on August 6, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by middleclasstool at 5:31 AM on August 6, 2014 [8 favorites]
This sounds awful and is never never happening
Let he who has never fucked a microwaved banana peel cast the first stonefruit. Or something.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:35 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Let he who has never fucked a microwaved banana peel cast the first stonefruit. Or something.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:35 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Brings a whole new meaning to "win one for the Gipper" Gripper.
This does not sound pleasant at all, but if people (like the boyfriend in the article) are having their minds (and other things) blown by this, then the world is a better place.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:38 AM on August 6, 2014
This does not sound pleasant at all, but if people (like the boyfriend in the article) are having their minds (and other things) blown by this, then the world is a better place.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:38 AM on August 6, 2014
That sound it makes when Angel simulates a blowjob is like something out of a horror movie
posted by smackwich at 5:40 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by smackwich at 5:40 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Rumor has it that "squeezing the pips" was how one got backstage access to the Apollo back in the day.
posted by delfin at 5:41 AM on August 6, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by delfin at 5:41 AM on August 6, 2014 [7 favorites]
What's with all the links to bustle.com today? I'm not impressed with any website that has a link to "How to make s'mores in your oven" because that is just The Wrong Way To Do It And They Should Feel Bad.
posted by math at 6:02 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by math at 6:02 AM on August 6, 2014
This is as stupid as the fire challenge.
"The fire challenge"? Oh god. Does that involve rubbing ghost peppers on your cock.
posted by naju at 6:15 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
"The fire challenge"? Oh god. Does that involve rubbing ghost peppers on your cock.
posted by naju at 6:15 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
It involves fucking a fire demon...without falling in love.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 6:24 AM on August 6, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 6:24 AM on August 6, 2014 [18 favorites]
More a problem for your partner, that.
posted by MartinWisse at 6:24 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by MartinWisse at 6:24 AM on August 6, 2014
Who knew that grapefruit, of all things, works so well on a grilled cheese sandwich?
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:40 AM on August 6, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:40 AM on August 6, 2014 [9 favorites]
Based on my experiences with both grapefruit and blowjobs this will end up in somebody's eye. Which will probably not be fun.
posted by srboisvert at 6:41 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by srboisvert at 6:41 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm pretty skeptical about this.
Not of the method itself, but since that post yesterday about native advertising...
sponsored by Gulf Citrus Growers Association
posted by hypersloth at 6:49 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
Not of the method itself, but since that post yesterday about native advertising...
sponsored by Gulf Citrus Growers Association
posted by hypersloth at 6:49 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
"The fire challenge"? Oh god. Does that involve rubbing ghost peppers on your cock.
It involves flammable liquids, a match, an idiot willing to literally set himself on fire, and a desire for youtube infamy.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:57 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
It involves flammable liquids, a match, an idiot willing to literally set himself on fire, and a desire for youtube infamy.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:57 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
I feel like I'm becoming acquainted with the MetaFilter After Dark community.
Welcome. Here's your flying toaster.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:17 AM on August 6, 2014 [42 favorites]
Welcome. Here's your flying toaster.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:17 AM on August 6, 2014 [42 favorites]
Gather round, friends, and I will tell you the story of the day all the guys on Metafilter fucked a grapefruit.
posted by prize bull octorok at 7:19 AM on August 6, 2014 [19 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 7:19 AM on August 6, 2014 [19 favorites]
prize bull octorok: They'll never believe one grapefruit survived even half of us.
posted by idiopath at 7:38 AM on August 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by idiopath at 7:38 AM on August 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Who knew that grapefruit, of all things, works so well on a grilled cheese sandwich?
With a side of taters.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 7:39 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
With a side of taters.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 7:39 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Expert challenge: Durian
posted by zippy at 7:43 AM on August 6, 2014 [22 favorites]
posted by zippy at 7:43 AM on August 6, 2014 [22 favorites]
This is what grapefruit culture looks like.
posted by dr_dank at 7:44 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by dr_dank at 7:44 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Why did the vanilla chick totally ruin the surprise for her boyfriend? She took fucking two sentences to NOT follow Angel's specific instructions to blindfold then and not tell the secret! What a ninny! And then she's surprised it worked?! Really???
posted by ReeMonster at 7:51 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by ReeMonster at 7:51 AM on August 6, 2014
Zippy, you never had durian, huh? I'm not talking about the smell.
posted by travelwithcats at 7:55 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by travelwithcats at 7:55 AM on August 6, 2014
Yeah… no.
I'm going to my grave having worn only non-edible cock rings. This is the plan.
Sticking to the traditional whiskey- and ganja-blowjobs.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 7:57 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm going to my grave having worn only non-edible cock rings. This is the plan.
Sticking to the traditional whiskey- and ganja-blowjobs.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 7:57 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Brandon Blatcher: "What if you use Olive Oyl instead of butter on the linguini?"
Popeye finds you and punches your teeth down your throat, that's what.
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:11 AM on August 6, 2014 [12 favorites]
Popeye finds you and punches your teeth down your throat, that's what.
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:11 AM on August 6, 2014 [12 favorites]
She has terrible knife skills.
posted by donpardo at 8:23 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by donpardo at 8:23 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit doing grapefruit.
posted by Twain Device at 8:26 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Twain Device at 8:26 AM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
Warm, soft, damp, with seeds inside, so round...
posted by elgilito at 10:01 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by elgilito at 10:01 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
This reminded me that I haven't had grapefruit in a long time, and that grapefruit is pretty good. So I added grapefruit to my grocery list. Still not sure whether I'm gonna eat it or fuck it, though.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 10:15 AM on August 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by escape from the potato planet at 10:15 AM on August 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
From wikipedia: The grapefruit (Citrus × paradisi) is a subtropical citrus tree known for its sour to semi-sweet fruit, an 18th-century hybrid first bred in Barbados.[1] When found, it was named the "forbidden fruit"
They knew...
posted by naju at 10:24 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
They knew...
posted by naju at 10:24 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
This is clearly just botanality.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 10:36 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Kitty Stardust at 10:36 AM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Still not sure whether I'm gonna eat it or fuck it, though.
Nothing stops you from doing both...
posted by MartinWisse at 10:46 AM on August 6, 2014
Nothing stops you from doing both...
posted by MartinWisse at 10:46 AM on August 6, 2014
This is better than Cosmo's trick of putting a donut on your dude's penis and eating it off as "sexy foreplay," but not by much. I am not going to ask anyone to fuck fruit in front of me. Maybe I'm a prude.
posted by sockermom at 10:47 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by sockermom at 10:47 AM on August 6, 2014
My wife is a big grapefruit eater. Not sure how, if, or when to bring this up.
posted by nubs at 10:51 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by nubs at 10:51 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
This is better than Cosmo's trick of putting a donut on your dude's penis and eating it off as "sexy foreplay,"
foreplay schmoreplay, I'll eat a donut off anything
posted by billiebee at 11:01 AM on August 6, 2014 [13 favorites]
foreplay schmoreplay, I'll eat a donut off anything
posted by billiebee at 11:01 AM on August 6, 2014 [13 favorites]
Kink will never make you special.
posted by Invisible Green Time-Lapse Peloton at 4:47 PM on August 6
And neither will vanilla.
posted by Decani at 11:02 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by Invisible Green Time-Lapse Peloton at 4:47 PM on August 6
And neither will vanilla.
posted by Decani at 11:02 AM on August 6, 2014
My wife is a big grapefruit eater. Not sure how, if, or when to bring this up.
1. Cut a hole in the fruit
posted by uncleozzy at 11:04 AM on August 6, 2014 [23 favorites]
1. Cut a hole in the fruit
posted by uncleozzy at 11:04 AM on August 6, 2014 [23 favorites]
What kind of skimpy giant-holed donuts are y'all buying anyway?
posted by PMdixon at 11:30 AM on August 6, 2014
posted by PMdixon at 11:30 AM on August 6, 2014
This is better than Cosmo's trick of putting a donut on your dude's penis
Wow, neither item would be improved by this.
Although I'm moved to ask, which kind of donut? Because the ones with nuts - yikes. Cinnamon? Ow? Maybe? Glazed? I'd be thinking the whole time of skin flakes.
Good Christ--jelly filled?
I am so not in the mood for a donut right now.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:58 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
Wow, neither item would be improved by this.
Although I'm moved to ask, which kind of donut? Because the ones with nuts - yikes. Cinnamon? Ow? Maybe? Glazed? I'd be thinking the whole time of skin flakes.
Good Christ--jelly filled?
I am so not in the mood for a donut right now.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:58 AM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
prize bull octorok: "Gather round, friends, and I will tell you the story of the day all the guys on Metafilter fucked a grapefruit."
I have told the story on metafilter in the past the time I ate out a plum. Those delicious red veiny fleshy parts, just bursting with life and orgiastic "Let me fuck your face" tauntings. How could I not.
And yes, what about the rest of us who might need a fruit that's not so ostentatious? She's just trying to humblebrag for her man.
posted by symbioid at 12:22 PM on August 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
I have told the story on metafilter in the past the time I ate out a plum. Those delicious red veiny fleshy parts, just bursting with life and orgiastic "Let me fuck your face" tauntings. How could I not.
And yes, what about the rest of us who might need a fruit that's not so ostentatious? She's just trying to humblebrag for her man.
posted by symbioid at 12:22 PM on August 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
It's a heck of a lot more sanitary than a raw chicken, at least.
posted by bonehead at 12:27 PM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by bonehead at 12:27 PM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Keep fucking that chicken.
posted by symbioid at 12:29 PM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by symbioid at 12:29 PM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
[files article under "long, resigned sigh"]
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:34 PM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:34 PM on August 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
And now where is the guy who teaches other men how to pleasure their women with fruit!?
posted by travelwithcats at 1:09 PM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by travelwithcats at 1:09 PM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Who knew that grapefruit, of all things, works so well on a grilled cheese sandwich?
Who knew that grilled cheese sandwich, of all things, works so well on a dong?
posted by FatherDagon at 1:10 PM on August 6, 2014
Who knew that grilled cheese sandwich, of all things, works so well on a dong?
posted by FatherDagon at 1:10 PM on August 6, 2014
Doesn't Henry Miller describe some kind of fruitfucking? I want to say it's a cored apple filled with whipped cream, but I could be wrong.
posted by Dr Dracator at 1:11 PM on August 6, 2014
posted by Dr Dracator at 1:11 PM on August 6, 2014
And now where is the guy who teaches other men how to pleasure their women with fruit!?
Shameless excuse to link to Key & Peele: Imagine there's an explosion at the envelope factory
posted by book 'em dano at 1:18 PM on August 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
Shameless excuse to link to Key & Peele: Imagine there's an explosion at the envelope factory
posted by book 'em dano at 1:18 PM on August 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
And now where is the guy who teaches other men how to pleasure their women with fruit!?
Plums, polo mints and tic tacs
posted by billiebee at 1:49 PM on August 6, 2014
Plums, polo mints and tic tacs
posted by billiebee at 1:49 PM on August 6, 2014
I never did a sex to a fruit or a vegetable. I've hardly lived!
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:18 PM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:18 PM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have fucked
the grapefruit
that were in
the fruitbowl
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were fantastic
but I
saved the sides
posted by Sparx at 3:49 PM on August 6, 2014 [34 favorites]
the grapefruit
that were in
the fruitbowl
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were fantastic
but I
saved the sides
posted by Sparx at 3:49 PM on August 6, 2014 [34 favorites]
2. Put your dick in the box
posted by Strass at 3:51 PM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Strass at 3:51 PM on August 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
pumplamousse
fun etymology fact: the pamp in pamplemousse is from the Dutch pompel – "swollen, large"
posted by zippy at 5:47 PM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
fun etymology fact: the pamp in pamplemousse is from the Dutch pompel – "swollen, large"
posted by zippy at 5:47 PM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
Under what section do I put this on my OkCupid profile tho
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:29 PM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:29 PM on August 6, 2014 [5 favorites]
Billiebee, will you eat a s'more off of anything or just doughnuts? Hermione Granger, add it under The First Things People Notice About Me: Grapefruit pulp.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:45 AM on August 7, 2014
posted by Bella Donna at 12:45 AM on August 7, 2014
OH MY GOSH I AM GOING TO TRY THIS
(scrolls rapidly thru the rest of the thread only looking for the next Greg Nog post ... grrrrrrrrs in disappointment upon finding none)
posted by marsha56 at 1:06 AM on August 7, 2014
(scrolls rapidly thru the rest of the thread only looking for the next Greg Nog post ... grrrrrrrrs in disappointment upon finding none)
posted by marsha56 at 1:06 AM on August 7, 2014
<bloodninja> I put on my grapefruit and wizard hat
posted by panglos at 7:16 AM on August 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by panglos at 7:16 AM on August 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
disappointment upon finding none
Prolly a heart attack.
posted by flabdablet at 9:04 AM on August 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Prolly a heart attack.
posted by flabdablet at 9:04 AM on August 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
This seems like a self-selection success. Anyone willing to incorporate a bit of citrus into their blowjob technique is either already so enthusiastic about the knob gobbling that they're going to be a high achiever or they're in a desperate rut and grasping at straws (instead of, you know) and the recipient will be so thrilled to receive any head that it'll be reviewed positively.
posted by phearlez at 9:10 AM on August 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by phearlez at 9:10 AM on August 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
This practise has been referred to as the Overnite Sensation. Direct your attention to the vulvic grapefruit.
I'm sorry I had to bring Zappa into this, but someone had to.
posted by Homemade Interossiter at 10:27 AM on August 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry I had to bring Zappa into this, but someone had to.
posted by Homemade Interossiter at 10:27 AM on August 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Part of me is curious about trying this, the other part is wondering whether Auntie Angel ever heard of Rubyfruit Jungle.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:30 PM on August 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:30 PM on August 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Two words to make this even better (mostly for the giver who should eat this first about 20 minutes ahead of time, but resulting enthusiasm gains are good for all):
Miracle Fruit.
posted by Muddler at 7:55 AM on August 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
Miracle Fruit.
posted by Muddler at 7:55 AM on August 8, 2014 [4 favorites]
[is sad because the article is really only good for two people and that's not a realistic prospect anytime soon] what would make me a less sad person right now, is a fleshlight
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 4:19 PM on August 8, 2014
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 4:19 PM on August 8, 2014
Greg nog is this week's Golden God.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:26 PM on August 8, 2014
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:26 PM on August 8, 2014
Greg Nog's lady friend is the one I'm crediting with godhead here. So to speak.
posted by gingerest at 4:19 AM on August 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by gingerest at 4:19 AM on August 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
Yeah, but when's the last time you told the entire blue "hey I just had sex and here's a specific thing we did"?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:08 AM on August 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:08 AM on August 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm definitely not knocking Greg's awesomeness. Just giving credit where it's due.
posted by gingerest at 5:11 AM on August 9, 2014
posted by gingerest at 5:11 AM on August 9, 2014
Well, yeah. But my praise was more about being willing to go public, which is something I would NEVER be brave enough to do.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:15 AM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:15 AM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Greg Nog's lady friend is the one I'm crediting with godhead noghead here.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:26 AM on August 9, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by five fresh fish at 7:26 AM on August 9, 2014 [6 favorites]
For posterity, I will say the sourness made my mouth pucker a bit, which was new and different, but not unwelcome.
posted by likeatoaster at 9:07 AM on August 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by likeatoaster at 9:07 AM on August 9, 2014 [8 favorites]
Important note! Thank you both!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:41 PM on August 9, 2014
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:41 PM on August 9, 2014
I'LL START A FUCKING blowjob META, YOURE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 2:57 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 2:57 PM on August 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
A friend says "Eh. Nice but not mind-blowing."
A friend also says beware of previously undetected paper cuts
posted by billiebee at 3:43 AM on August 10, 2014
A friend also says beware of previously undetected paper cuts
posted by billiebee at 3:43 AM on August 10, 2014
Grapefruit I can see, but paper? Step too far.
posted by flabdablet at 4:33 AM on August 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 4:33 AM on August 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Lauding Greg Nog for this seems like taking coals to Newcastle.
posted by phearlez at 7:11 AM on August 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by phearlez at 7:11 AM on August 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
Previously undetected paper cuts ...On your mighty muscle of manhood? That confuses me. How do you get a paper cut on your penius? On second thought, never mind. I'd rather not know.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:34 AM on August 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 12:34 AM on August 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
On your hand!! Honestly, you people with your minds in the gutter... Although I'm sure there's an origami fetishist reading this with a knowing smile.
posted by billiebee at 2:24 AM on August 12, 2014
posted by billiebee at 2:24 AM on August 12, 2014
Tried this last night.
It was better than the average (but not nearly as good as the best) blowjob received previously from this particular lady. Hole cut in grapefruit was somewhat snugger than ideal. No discomfort from grapefruit juice in urethra, but some from juice dripping down onto anus. Overall, any marginal improvement not worth the stickiness and inconvenience of having to shower afterwards rather than falling into post-orgasmic slumber.
Will try again with more appropriately sized channel and perhaps pre-warmed grapefruit. If no improvement, will not repeat.
posted by Vodka Martini on the Socks at 6:06 PM on August 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
It was better than the average (but not nearly as good as the best) blowjob received previously from this particular lady. Hole cut in grapefruit was somewhat snugger than ideal. No discomfort from grapefruit juice in urethra, but some from juice dripping down onto anus. Overall, any marginal improvement not worth the stickiness and inconvenience of having to shower afterwards rather than falling into post-orgasmic slumber.
Will try again with more appropriately sized channel and perhaps pre-warmed grapefruit. If no improvement, will not repeat.
posted by Vodka Martini on the Socks at 6:06 PM on August 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
some... juice dripping down onto anus
posted by en forme de poire at 1:09 AM on August 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by en forme de poire at 1:09 AM on August 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
sorry I didn't actually have anything to add there, I just wanted to repeat that
posted by en forme de poire at 1:10 AM on August 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by en forme de poire at 1:10 AM on August 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
MetaFilter: I didn't actually have anything to add there, I just wanted to repeat that
posted by Elementary Penguin at 6:11 AM on August 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Elementary Penguin at 6:11 AM on August 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
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posted by Decani at 12:05 AM on August 6, 2014 [8 favorites]