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November 24, 2014 12:44 PM Subscribe

13 amazing food and life hacks you need to know right now.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering (308 comments total) 94 users marked this as a favorite

Your toilet is perfectly functioning and convenient foot whirlpool.
posted by Chitownfats at 12:47 PM on November 24, 2014 [19 favorites]

Wow! I did need to know all that right now! Thanks, feckless fecal fear mongering!

Also: eponysterical?
posted by scaryblackdeath at 12:47 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

I love the one tine on the fork is slightly bent. OK it drives me MAD... FIX THAT.
posted by mrgroweler at 12:49 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Note perfect.

Also, apparently my wife is a wizard.
posted by bonehead at 12:52 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

Coasters on drinks aren't meant to deter roofies. It's a sign to the bar staff that someone is still sitting there and intends to finish that drink.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 12:52 PM on November 24, 2014 [55 favorites]

Who are all these maniacs who insist on perfectly creaseless bottom sheets? You're going to SLEEP ON IT. Just half-assedly fold it into a lump and call it a day.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:53 PM on November 24, 2014 [100 favorites]

Did you know that one of the many uses of lemon juice is to make things taste like lemons? You're welcome.
posted by monospace at 12:53 PM on November 24, 2014 [48 favorites]

I was all ready to come in with full GRAR, because the last thing anyone needs is more stupid "hacks" that probably don't even work, so it took me a minute to deflate the grar and enjoy the suggestions. A++, would hack again.
posted by Dip Flash at 12:54 PM on November 24, 2014 [28 favorites]

Rings true. I've been doing that thing with the knife to make perfect potato wedges for years.
posted by klarck at 12:54 PM on November 24, 2014 [9 favorites]

This reminds me a lot of Viz Top Tips (which must have been referenced on MeFi before because I don't know how I would have heard of them otherwise).
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:56 PM on November 24, 2014 [7 favorites]

The snack bag tip is brilliant. I've been using my underwear as a container for years and in hindsight that's absolutely fucking stupid, especially since laundry day and snack day are on the same day.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:57 PM on November 24, 2014 [47 favorites]

Life hack: Eat snacks seven days a week.
posted by bondcliff at 12:59 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

How to get a bikini body:
Put a bikini on your body.
posted by lodurr at 1:01 PM on November 24, 2014 [103 favorites]

13 Life hacks:

14. There's Always More Room For More GRAR (not to be confused with more GWAR, although some people can't get enough of them, either)
posted by surazal at 1:01 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Can verify that the cake one works. Great tips!
posted by Wretch729 at 1:01 PM on November 24, 2014 [11 favorites]

I like to cut perfect potato wedges by slicing open my left index finger and simultaneously pooping my pants while spilling a gallon of canola oil on the floor and making it all get on fire including the poop. You might say I have a "flare" for cooking.
posted by fleetmouse at 1:02 PM on November 24, 2014 [42 favorites]

Also: It is impolite to burp with your mouth full. I learned that one from my Mama.
posted by NedKoppel at 1:02 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

I've been enjoying perfectly cooked burgers like that for years.
posted by skybluepink at 1:02 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

The snack bag tip is brilliant. I've been using my underwear as a container for years and in hindsight that's absolutely fucking stupid, especially since laundry day and snack day are on the same day.

You do laundry every day?!?!?
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:02 PM on November 24, 2014 [17 favorites]

Best hacks would hack moar. Also I'm all outta cake. Oh yeah SPOILER ALERT on that last bit.
posted by Mister_A at 1:03 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Captain Obvious' Special Tip of the Day: tell people about some trivial or even well known bullshit trick or whatever, it doesn't matter. The KEY THING is to put a totally unnecessary preemptive "You're Welcome" (or "Your welcome" if you prefer) at the end! Gratitude is yours for the taking! Bitte Schön!
posted by mr.ersatz at 1:03 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

It's true; nobody needs that much asparagus.
posted by emjaybee at 1:03 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Hear, hear. Forks are perfectly good inventions, and preferring them over chopsticks is nothing to be ashamed about.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:03 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

You can instantly double the amount of orange juice you have by just cutting it with water. It tastes the exact same.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 1:04 PM on November 24, 2014 [9 favorites]

On the real, I would never put a coaster on my damn drink, because I drink at Dirty Frank's and Ray's Happy Birthday bar, oy the coasters! Like experiments gone awry they are.
posted by Mister_A at 1:04 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

If the solution to keeping cake moist is to eat the whole thing, then that should also be the answer for both the snack dispenser and chip clip issues. I demand more consistency in my life-hack advice.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:05 PM on November 24, 2014 [21 favorites]

This reminds me a lot of Viz Top Tips

Pretty much. Just add 30 years and the internet.
posted by Thing at 1:05 PM on November 24, 2014

and preferring them over chopsticks is nothing to be ashamed about.

Chopsticks are the perfect flamin' hot Cheetos implement.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 1:06 PM on November 24, 2014 [19 favorites]

Doing something wrong?

Start doing it right instead!
posted by ernielundquist at 1:06 PM on November 24, 2014 [26 favorites]

Who are all these maniacs who insist on perfectly creaseless bottom sheets? You're going to SLEEP ON IT.

Related - people who iron their sheets. WHO IS EVEN GOING TO SEE WHETHER YOUR SHEETS ARE WRINKLY IN THE FIRST PLACE, except for a) you, who's going to sleep on it, and b) anyone you may bring home if you get lucky, and if they're staring at the sheets instead of naked you, you've got a bigger problem than whether or not your sheets are wrinkled.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:07 PM on November 24, 2014 [41 favorites]

Puts me in mind of this brilliant bit:

Steve... how can I be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes?" First.. get a million dollars.
posted by Mister_A at 1:08 PM on November 24, 2014 [9 favorites]

who leaves a drink unattended? that's like leaving children unattended, except unlike children, you can just finish the drink and then do that thing that's so very important.

I mean, if there was a major earthquake right now, I can assure you I'd go immediately to the nearest appropriate safe spot ... and bring my drink with me.
posted by philip-random at 1:08 PM on November 24, 2014 [19 favorites]

Chopsticks are the perfect flamin' hot Cheetos implement.

As someone who is pretty decent with chopsticks and a big fan of lots of junk food that turns your fingers different colors, I, no kidding, gasped with excitement at reading this.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:10 PM on November 24, 2014 [41 favorites]

I'd be right there with ya, philip-random, glowering at all the damn drink-coasterers now greedily eyeing our cocktails.
posted by Mister_A at 1:10 PM on November 24, 2014

who leaves a drink unattended?

Among the many horrible things nicotine addiction does to you, it also, these days, separates you from your drink.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:11 PM on November 24, 2014 [14 favorites]

I don't iron my sheets (too lazy) but if you question why people do it, you have not slept on ironed sheets. It is fabulous.
posted by desjardins at 1:12 PM on November 24, 2014 [8 favorites]

The "Check this out" link is also brilliant.
posted by graymouser at 1:14 PM on November 24, 2014 [7 favorites]

You do laundry every day?!?!?

I am a really complicated person OK???
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:15 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

Use a felt tip pen to write the date on your eggs before you crack them, that way you can remember how long they've been opened.
posted by furtive at 1:17 PM on November 24, 2014 [15 favorites]

Is anyone annoyed with the tonal shift for the drink one? Unless I'm misreading, it's the only one that's sarcastic and it feels super off for that reason.
posted by ODiV at 1:17 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

I don't iron my sheets (too lazy) but if you question why people do it, you have not slept on ironed sheets. It is fabulous.

I don't understand how ironing would in any way improve the sleeping experience, unless you mean freshly ironed (i.e., still warm).
posted by axiom at 1:18 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Bonus hack: The cake thing also works for keeping wine fresh after the bottle has been uncorked.
posted by rocket88 at 1:18 PM on November 24, 2014 [52 favorites]

5 foods you've been eating completely wrong
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 1:20 PM on November 24, 2014 [14 favorites]

I'm probably biased since I grew up using chopsticks but they're seriously the best. Especially for somebody fussy about getting hands dirty like me. Bone-in chicken wings, chips, fries, whatever. All no muss no fuss with chopsticks.
posted by kmz at 1:20 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

Viz Top Tips
posted by brilliantmistake at 1:21 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Fill the unsightly hole at the front of your house with a convenient wooden door!
posted by Sebmojo at 1:22 PM on November 24, 2014 [13 favorites]

I'm just going to weigh in and say that #3 is not in any way foolproof.
posted by Sara C. at 1:24 PM on November 24, 2014

Growing up in Phoenix, my mom would always just have us get right into the car no matter how hot it was inside after sitting in a sunny parking lot. As a teen, I got myself a motorcycle and we moved someplace (in LA) with underground parking, so that problem diminished. I was in my mid-twenties before I was regularly getting into hot cars again, and I realized all on my own that I could just open the door and wait a couple seconds for the heat to escape. Didn't feel like it was all that genius of me, but I was left wondering why Mom never figured that one out.

It blew my mind when I saw that same trick as a "life hack" on the interwebz. Seriously? That was worth sharing to the world as innovative advice?
posted by scaryblackdeath at 1:25 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Don't stand in the fire, everyone knows that!
posted by Mister_A at 1:27 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

As someone who is pretty decent with chopsticks and a big fan of lots of junk food that turns your fingers different colors, I, no kidding, gasped with excitement at reading this.

I eat popcorn with chopsticks (only at home, not at the movies, I'm not crazy). I mostly do this not because I'm worried about my fingers, but because it's great chopstickin' practice.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:29 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

how else are you supposed to dry your shoes?
posted by pyramid termite at 1:29 PM on November 24, 2014

Folding a fitted sheet isn't so you can have a perfectly wrinkle-free sheet on your bed. It's so you can have a nice tidy folded sheet stacked with all your other linens in your linen closet, instead of a puffy unruly sheetmonster threatening to eat the entire shelf.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:30 PM on November 24, 2014 [33 favorites]

who leaves a drink unattended?

People who want their barstool to be unoccupied when they get back from the toilet.
posted by Fnarf at 1:32 PM on November 24, 2014 [7 favorites]

I eat popcorn with chopsticks (only at home

How do you manage to pick up an entire handful of popcorn and stuff it into your wide open mouth until it overflows and you have to soften it with what little moisture is left on your lips in order to keep from choking?

Because that's how popcorn is eaten.
posted by bondcliff at 1:32 PM on November 24, 2014 [43 favorites]

The author's picture on the right hand side is captioned, "I'd shake your hand, but I seem to be holding 2 ice cream cones. Also, this is the Internet."

So, there's another tip for you: If you don't want to engage in physical contact with strangers, then always be holding two ice cream cones and/or always be on the Internet. Now that's sound advice.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 1:33 PM on November 24, 2014 [16 favorites]

instead of a puffy unruly sheetmonster threatening to eat the entire shelf.

Enough with this antisheetmonsterism! Sheet monsters are people too!
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:33 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Milk hack:

When he was a kid, a good friend of mine--call him Pete--stuck a push-pin into a gallon of milk and put it back in the fridge. His mom later opened the fridge. "Hmm," she mused aloud, "I wonder what this push-pin is doing stuck in this gallon of milk," whereupon she removed the push-pin. Milk immediately sprang forth, onto her clothing and the floor. "PETE!" she shouted, "did you put a push-pin in this gallon of milk? I pulled it out and it made a mess everywhere!" "Mother," Pete said, "why did you remove the pin?"

You're welcome.
posted by Zerowensboring at 1:34 PM on November 24, 2014 [78 favorites]

14. Avoid catching rabies by never getting into a biting contest with anything that has it
posted by turbid dahlia at 1:34 PM on November 24, 2014 [19 favorites]

you know, i realized that i had failed to make some jump into adulthood when my peers started talking up xxx thread count sheets. Still don't know what the fuck that is about. Maybe those huge thread counts make the bottom sheet foldable. But really, as long as you have a clean bottom and top sheet, who cares? These are all my sheet thoughts.
posted by angrycat at 1:35 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

If I ever ever see one of these in the wild, well I'll just have to star a blog about observing hacks in the wild.
posted by sammyo at 1:35 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

It's so you can have a nice tidy folded sheet stacked with all your other linens in your linen closet, instead of a puffy unruly sheetmonster threatening to eat the entire shelf.

??

Why would you have more than one bed sheet for your bed? Are you bored easily or something?
posted by MartinWisse at 1:36 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

Maybe you entertain a lot, or have kids, or are obsessive, or are planning to build some kind of sail-powered craft, MartinWisse. These are all good reasons to have immense quantities of sheets.
posted by Mister_A at 1:38 PM on November 24, 2014 [7 favorites]

Maybe you are throwing a mummy party!
posted by Mister_A at 1:38 PM on November 24, 2014 [9 favorites]

Why would you have more than one bed sheet for your bed?

Because you're a grown-ass adult.
posted by bondcliff at 1:40 PM on November 24, 2014 [60 favorites]

Maybe you entertain a lot, or have kids, or are obsessive, or are planning to build some kind of sail-powered craft, MartinWisse.

or at the very least, it's so you don't have to do laundry right away when the sheets get a little dirty - you've got the spares to put on the bed right away so the old ones can hang out in the hamper a couple days.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:41 PM on November 24, 2014 [12 favorites]

you know, i realized that i had failed to make some jump into adulthood when my peers started talking up xxx thread count sheets. Still don't know what the fuck that is about. Maybe those huge thread counts make the bottom sheet foldable.

fuck foldable, it makes them soft as hell. The first time I bought (very) high threadcount sheets I was hooked... it makes an enormous difference.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:41 PM on November 24, 2014 [8 favorites]

Oh my gosh — WE — could have a mummy party! Right here! Who's in? Some of you will have to be floral mummies. One of you gets to be a burgundy mummy. OK that'll be me actually. And one of you gets to be a sort of butternut squash mummy!
posted by Mister_A at 1:42 PM on November 24, 2014 [14 favorites]

Why would you have more than one bed sheet for your bed? Are you bored easily or something?

The day I discovered the joy of having a second set of sheets is the day I turned into an adult. Not a coincidence, either.
posted by mudpuppie at 1:44 PM on November 24, 2014 [11 favorites]

Well, I was getting ready to go up to hang out with my dad at the hospital whilst he got his twice daily infusion when I heard some loud voices coming toward the elevator. So I held the door open when two guys come up with pizzas and two litres and all and are rather overburdened. They were quite appreciative for my holding the elevator.

So...

LIFEHACK - When your arms are full and you are heading to an elevator, talk loudly so someone on the elevator can hear and maybe hold the elevator for you!!

#lifehax #elevatorhax #pizzaandsodacarryinghax #ihatestairsbecausemykneesarebadandittakesmeforeverevenifmyarmsweren'tfull
posted by Samizdata at 1:46 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Ironed sheets just feel better. The trick is finding some sucker to iron them for you.
posted by Kabanos at 1:46 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

I think the Europeans do something different with bed sheets. They have one only on the bottom or on the top or something, I forget. I'm pretty sure that's where MartinWisse's confusion comes from.
posted by desjardins at 1:48 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

They have one only on the bottom or on the top or something, I forget. I'm pretty sure that's where MartinWisse's confusion comes from

Like they leave the mattress bare and cover themselves with a sheet? Or they cover the mattress and lie on it with nothing on top of them?
posted by Sangermaine at 1:50 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

I think they have a sheet under them and then just a blanket and/or duvet on top of them. No sheet in between.
posted by desjardins at 1:51 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

oh oh oh this made me go back and look at what is probably my favorite mefi comment ever!

i think about it every time i take out a new toilet paper roll and can't be arsed to put it on the thing. LIFEHACK!
posted by ghostbikes at 1:51 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

They're pretty okay people otherwise so I don't really have a problem with it.
posted by desjardins at 1:52 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Man, those are some weird old tricks!
posted by TedW at 1:53 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

If you sleep in the buff, the higher threadcount is totally worth it.
posted by eclectist at 1:54 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

23) Save time in MeFi threads by realizing that Americans do lots of stuff differently from how people in other countries do it.
posted by Chrysostom at 1:55 PM on November 24, 2014 [12 favorites]

Why does everyone say high threadcount sheets are soft?

The highest threadcount sheets I've ever slept on were at some swanky hotel in Vegas. They were stiff as a board. A very unpleasant experience.

OTOH we had a nice soft set of cheap-ass sheets we got at Target....
posted by lodurr at 1:56 PM on November 24, 2014

Sheet under them and a duvet, always a duvet. Don't know about the rest of Europe but that's how I sleep
posted by marienbad at 1:56 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

I realized all on my own that I could just open the door and wait a couple seconds for the heat to escape.

I cannot tell you how thrilled I was when I discovered that the car I bought recently has a button on the key fob that will roll down the windows without you even having to step out of the house (assuming line-of-sight with the car, of course). That alone has transformed my summertime automotive life.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:56 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Tired of always having to iron and fold sheets? Just burrow into a big pile of leaves or yard waste at night and sleep there!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:57 PM on November 24, 2014 [11 favorites]

The cake thing also works for keeping wine fresh after the bottle has been uncorked

Everyone knows wine goes bad the instant you open it and you have to finish the entire bottle right away, duh.

Wait- what do you people do sheets wise? I go- mattress, mattress pad- fitted sheet- flat sheet, duvet. Extra sheets for company/not having to wash them so often purposes.
posted by The Whelk at 1:57 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Why would you have more than one bed sheet for your bed?

What else are you going to use for curtains?
posted by Spatch at 1:58 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

If the solution to keeping cake moist is to eat the whole thing, then that should also be the answer for both the snack dispenser and chip clip issues. I demand more consistency in my life-hack advice.

Chips are not supposed to be moist. You're welcome.
posted by jaguar at 1:58 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

You don't usually find a flat sheet used in Europe. Just fitted sheet and then a duvet. My wife has converted me to this method. I am convinced that flat sheets cause bad sleeps. Just like loose lips sink ships.
posted by Kabanos at 1:59 PM on November 24, 2014 [13 favorites]

I've never been inspired to try the CD spindle bagel holder thing because I always figured it would make my bagel taste like CDs.

what?
posted by lodurr at 1:59 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

mattress, mattress pad- fitted sheet- flat sheet, duvet.

I go: Floor, skin, organs, core of solid explosive cordite, tiny homunculus who carries my humors, sleeping bag.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:00 PM on November 24, 2014 [85 favorites]

I find higher thread count egyptian cotton sheets are ideal for MUMMY PARTIES!!!
posted by Mister_A at 2:00 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

Dump a bag of oreos on the floor and eat the oreos off of the floor like an animal you piece of shit.
(HT FoodNetWerk)
posted by boo_radley at 2:01 PM on November 24, 2014 [7 favorites]

Wait- what do you people do sheets wise? I go- mattress, mattress pad- fitted sheet- flat sheet, duvet. Extra sheets for company/not having to wash them so often purposes.

As long as the duvet is in a washable cover, there's no need for the flat sheet.

Just like loose lips sink ships.

Loose sheets sink sheep? I'm trying for a parallel here, but I'm not quite finding it.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:01 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Um you used the wrong article there, which just wrecked any credibility your comment may have had, boo_radley.
posted by Mister_A at 2:02 PM on November 24, 2014

stop trying to make ~~fetch~~mummy parties happen
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:02 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

If your high thread-count sheet is hard, it has been treated with starch. Which makes it look fancy. Sheet, flat or fitted, and duvet in its own high-thread-count Egyptian cotton folder. All ironed. Bliss.
(But only something I achieve on holidays)
posted by mumimor at 2:03 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

As long as the duvet is in a washable cover, there's no need for the flat sheet.

Unless the weather's too warm for a duvet, in which case a single sheet is plenty. Although sometimes even that's too much.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:04 PM on November 24, 2014

guys there may be a mummy itt shhh^^^
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:04 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Sometimes cats (also babies! And occasionally husbands!) like to vomit on your bed at 3am. Which is only one of the many good reasons to have spare sets of sheets. Unless you like having to pull out your dusty sleeping bag and huddle on the couch the rest of the night. Which I have done.
posted by emjaybee at 2:05 PM on November 24, 2014 [13 favorites]

Personally I can't sleep comfortably without some sort of blanket or sheet or something at least partly on top of me. No idea why. (mattress, sheet, me, sheet, duvet).
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:05 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

Forget it, I'm just chanting Mummy party in an increasingly loud voice around the house.
posted by The Whelk at 2:06 PM on November 24, 2014 [10 favorites]

> Um you used the wrong article there, which just wrecked any credibility your comment may have had, boo_radley.

punk rock will never die
posted by boo_radley at 2:06 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

I am intrigued by this no-top-sheet business.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 2:08 PM on November 24, 2014

Mummy parties, like a toga party but spookier.
posted by The Whelk at 2:09 PM on November 24, 2014

Bunny peeps and birdie peeps all taste the same, so you can eat them all the same way: throw them out after discovering a pack of stale, rock hard marshmallows that nobody liked fresh anyways.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:10 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

Personally I can't sleep comfortably without some sort of blanket or sheet or something at least partly on top of me. No idea why. (mattress, sheet, me, sheet, duvet).

Yes, this is the correct method. My husband (who is from the UK) found it confusing at first, and still manages to kick it off his side of the bed, but it is the correct method of sleeping.

Because MOTHERFUCKING AMERICA, YO!
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 2:11 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Make a thoughtful bean spread by dumping beans on your bedspread.
posted by Kabanos at 2:11 PM on November 24, 2014 [8 favorites]

I find higher thread count egyptian cotton sheets are ideal for MUMMY PARTIES!!!

But Egyptian mummies were wrapped in LINEN! Everybody knows that!

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:14 PM on November 24, 2014 [12 favorites]

> I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

That's the bean dip talking.
posted by boo_radley at 2:20 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

another reason for multiple sheet-sets is flannel sheets for the winter and not-flannel for not-winter. Actually I think this household now has upwards of 5 sheet sets -- 2 sets of standard queen, 1 flannel queen, and at least 2 full sets-- so I think given the mattresses and air mattresses available, plus how nice it is to throw a sheet over the couch if someone is sleeping on it, we could conceivably have all in use? Lifehack: use all your sheets and then do laundry (but also lifehack: store sheets in a pillowcase that way no one sees the mess you've made of "folding" the fitted sheet and you probably won't be missing a critical set) (also we use a flat sheet over the duvet so the dogs can snuggle and that flat sheet gets washed every time I wash hots because man dogs are gross, grosser than me)
posted by worstname at 2:20 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

This is my setup, from top to bottom:

cat
duvet
toddler
me
potato chip crumbs
fitted sheet
mattress protector
mattress
bed
dust bunnies

I sleep pretty well, YMMV.
posted by Kabanos at 2:20 PM on November 24, 2014 [29 favorites]

Having a second set of sheets mean that you can strip the bed and then make the bed immediately. This means that even if you get bored waiting for the first set of sheets to be done and go to the pub, you come home at three in the morning to the wonder of new clean sheets on your bed, as opposed to being faced with the horror of a naked mattress, soggy sheets and have to sleep in your sleeping bag. For three nights.
posted by kjs4 at 2:21 PM on November 24, 2014 [32 favorites]

Turn any pizza into a personal pan pizza by believing in yourself.
posted by VTX at 2:22 PM on November 24, 2014 [111 favorites]

Sleep set up: Drawing of a horse, me, drawing of a different horse
posted by Ferreous at 2:22 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

> I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

That's the bean dip talking.

No, no- I'm just a bit on edge. I slept in a big pile of hedge clippings last night. Sorry.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:22 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

Mister_A: And one of you gets to be a sort of butternut squash mummy!

Where do I get butternut squash sheets? I have handfuls of money and just need to know which direction I should be pointing the hands.
posted by mountmccabe at 2:23 PM on November 24, 2014 [7 favorites]

another reason for multiple sheet-sets is flannel sheets for the winter and not-flannel for not-winter.

This is the One True Way in the northern climes... unless your cats sleep with you and then you end up with hairy sheets all winter.
posted by desjardins at 2:24 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

well first you need a very sharp knife
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:24 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

If you like ironed sheets so much ... first put them on the bed and then iron them .. voila ... warm ironed sheets.

Warning: check the bed for any occupants before ironing.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 2:25 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

This is my setup, from top to bottom:

Ours is more like:
Quilt
Other blanket
Cat
Top sheet
Us
Fitted sheet
Mattress etc.

Sheets are flannel. Always flannel.
posted by rtha at 2:26 PM on November 24, 2014

This is my setup, from top to bottom:

Reruns of The Cleveland Show on Adult Swim
Half-finished drink
prize bull octorok
Couch

To hell with your bourgeois sheets
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:30 PM on November 24, 2014 [31 favorites]

cat 1
duvet cover
down comforter because I can't be fucking bothered to put it inside the duvet cover nobody has time for that
flat sheet
cat 2
me
fitted sheet
mattress pad
mattress
another fitted sheet
box spring
slats
flat boxes full of shit from 25 years ago that I can't bear to chuck out, plus the shoes I never wear
posted by tzikeh at 2:30 PM on November 24, 2014 [13 favorites]

For the best cup of morning coffee, pass water through ground coffee beans before drinking.
posted by Songdog at 2:32 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

Chez Larsson: Making a (Swedish) Bed
posted by Kabanos at 2:34 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Use a felt tip pen to write the date on your eggs before you crack them, that way you can remember how long they've been opened.

Oh, before. That is where I have been going wrong.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:34 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

To avoid lumps in your porridge, avoid porridge.
posted by Kabanos at 2:35 PM on November 24, 2014 [8 favorites]

For the best cup of morning coffee, pass water through ground coffee beans before drinking.

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:35 PM on November 24, 2014 [8 favorites]

Simplify your workflow in the office by eliminating all mistakes.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 2:35 PM on November 24, 2014 [7 favorites]

Fireproof your home by building it out of water!
posted by Songdog at 2:36 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Hate hangovers? Never sober up!
posted by The Whelk at 2:36 PM on November 24, 2014 [10 favorites]

This is fun! Top to bottom we have:

Cat 1 (as near husband's crotch as possible) and Cat 2 (nose buried in his armpit)
Giant thick bedspread that is too large for our bed and kind of ugly but really effing warm
Top sheet that has been twisted over to my husband's side because he is a sheet stealer.
Me, husband, 3 -4 pairs of bedsocks that have been lost in the depths at the end of the bed.
Fitted sheet
Dust cover
mattress
Ikea bedframe the we really should replace because the slats have come loose on my husband's side and he occasionally falls through when our jimmied-together fixes stop working.
Dust, more bedsocks, books, lozenge wrappers
Carpet
House foundation
Miles of the earth's crust
Hell (probably)
posted by emjaybee at 2:36 PM on November 24, 2014 [12 favorites]

Our set up is:

Quilt (Classy, red, white, and green quilt with beautiful quilting that we got as a wedding present)
If cold, quilt #2 (Crazy quilt, made up of jungle print fabric that my husband selected at the fabric store when he was six, because "Jungle prints!!!")
Comforter (Belonged to my father-in-law in college; don't want to think any further than that)
Flat Sheet
Me/hubby
Fitted sheet
Mattress
Top of box spring
Cats
Ruined underside of box spring because, see above
Storage boxes
posted by damayanti at 2:38 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

My favorite reason for having multiple sheet sets is that they sell them all matched. This is very boring, makes it difficult to tell anything apart such as pillow status.

Bed currently has grey fitted sheet, yellow flat sheet, comforter cover that is white with green pears and four different color pillow cases, though they're all solid. I think we used all the patterned ones with the last set-up.
posted by mountmccabe at 2:40 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

Your toilet is perfectly functioning and convenient foot whirlpool.

Huh. I thought it was the garbage disposal.
posted by sexyrobot at 2:40 PM on November 24, 2014

Simplify your workflow in the office by eliminating all mistakes.

We used a version of this for our undergraduate lab reports: Simplify error analysis by eliminating any errors in your results.
posted by Kabanos at 2:40 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

What's a bedsock?
posted by newpotato at 2:41 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

It's worn over the foot of the bed. You're welcome.
posted by Songdog at 2:42 PM on November 24, 2014 [18 favorites]

I'm surprised, and a little saddened, that thus far in the top sheet/no top sheet debate no one has mentioned the sex juice issue. A top sheet is generally easier to wash (and cheaper to replace) than a duvet cover.
posted by pupsocket at 2:45 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

I just bought a new bed that has drawers and is flush with the ground so I wouldn't have put up with things vanishing under the bed or putting on the freaking MATTRESS SKIRT ever again.
posted by The Whelk at 2:46 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Realizing that top sheets are a ridiculous waste of time, energy, and fabric is a legit life hack though.
posted by bleep at 2:47 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

I dunno about top sheets, but damn those turtles are uncomfortable!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:47 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

I'm surprised, and a little saddened, that thus far in the top sheet/no top sheet debate no one has mentioned the sex juice issue.

ARE YOU MAKING THESE 8 COMMON JUICING MISTAKES?
1. Too Many Sweet Fruits And Vegetables
2. Your Juice Is Lacking The Color Green
3. Timing Is Everything!
4. Not Cold Pressed
5. Not Drinking It Right Away
6. Your Juice Isn't Clean
7. Drinking Your Juice In 3 Seconds Flat
posted by Kabanos at 2:51 PM on November 24, 2014 [9 favorites]

For all the people who say "Stick a fork in him, he's done" -- you're doing it wrong. If you know he's done, there's no point in sticking him with a fork. You stick a fork in him to find out if he's done.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:52 PM on November 24, 2014 [7 favorites]

If you need to carve him, you may start by sticking a fork in him. But only if he's done.
posted by jaguar at 2:54 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Farmers know this one weird trick: for the freshest milk, use a cow!
posted by Songdog at 2:54 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

cat
cat
someone else's cat
last week's laundry
sheet
this week's laundry
toddler
socks
more socks
unexpected fourth cat which does not belong to us
human objects
duvet cover cover
duvet cover
duvet
duvet undercover
flat sheet
sine-wave sheet (ironed)
two-thread-count Iraqi cotton pork sheet
human bodies
fitted sheet
unfitted sheet
mattress pad
mattress
bed frame
several guitars
floor
HADES
another cat
posted by scrump at 2:56 PM on November 24, 2014 [43 favorites]

I forgot the other cat so insert another cat between some of the sheets

I mean if you swing that way

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
posted by scrump at 2:57 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

I have three sets of sheets because we don't have a drier and have to hang dry them. No top sheet. Out set up goes:
Feather duvet #1 (this should have a cover but I'm behind on laundry)
Feather duvet #2 in duvet cover
Me and SO
Flat sheet (because fitted sheets are a pain to put on and always come off overnight)
Mattress cover
Memory foam topper
Cheap Mattress
Metal Bed
Under the bed drawer full of paper, suitcases
Dust dust dust

We live in Scotland, hence two duvets. I have been known to go up to three.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:59 PM on November 24, 2014

How to tell if am avocado is ripe:
Did you just buy it because you wanted to have it with dinner? Not ripe.
Is it in the fridge because you put it away when it wasn't ripe, and now you've forgotten that you have it? It's ripe!
Did you just find it in the fridge and remember, oh yeah I forgot I had that avocado? Way, way over ripe.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:01 PM on November 24, 2014 [46 favorites]

Fireproof your home by building it out of water!

I was sitting in the movie theater with my husband watch "Quantum of Solace" and it's the part where they're in the desert at the crazy hotel that's made of hydrogen for some reason? And I turn to my husband and whisper "They're going to blow it up, aren't they?" Because why take the time to establish that this resort is powered by this really explosive gas? For fuck's sake, it's liking building a castle out of sugar cubes and then later complaining about the ants.

Anyhoo. Not sure what the bedding situation was like at the Hydrogen Hotel.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 3:01 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

Duvet (in duvet cover)
Kitty
Me
Fitted sheet
Mattress cover
Mattress

I find top sheets to be super uncomfortable to sleep with. I toss and turn a lot and by the morning inevitably the sheets are all over the place and/or tangled around me. I've also found it's much easier for the duvets to slip off a top sheet and I frequently wake up in the middle of the night freezing. Plus they make making the bed so much more complicated (where do you put the duvet while you lay down the top sheet?)

My current favourite duvet I've owned for about fifteen years, and the covers about ten. That means they're ultra soft and so comfortable, but starting to get a bit threadbare. I've been coveting some high thread-count duvet covers for a while, but one of the things they don't tell you about being an adult is how much adult things cost. Fer Chrissake, $300 for a single set of duvet covers? That's like more than half the furniture in my living room combined.
posted by Phire at 3:02 PM on November 24, 2014

For the best cup of morning coffee, pass water through ground coffee beans before drinking.

Awww, SFIPHT!!
*sprays grounds from mouth
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:03 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Sheets are flannel. Always flannel.

In the summer why do you not burst into flame as I surely would if I tried to use them at temperatures higher than forty degrees Fahrenheit?
posted by winna at 3:03 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Siberian Husky
Comforter
Blanket
Blanket
Top Sheet
Peoples
fitted sheet
Mattress topper
Memory Foam Mattress pad
Cheapo Mattress
Bed frame
Cat
Cat
Cat
Cat
Boxes of god knows what
carpet
posted by HuronBob at 3:05 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

At the risk of violating the spirit of the thread: The best way to determine the ripeness of an avocado is to pop off that little nub at the top and peek inside. If it's the color of an avocado you'd like to eat, it's ripe. If it's too pale or too dark, put it back on the pile and seek another one. When you've found the perfect avocado, surreptitiously nudge all of those fallen avocado nubs under the produce case with your foot.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:06 PM on November 24, 2014 [13 favorites]

In the summer why do you not burst into flame as I surely would if I tried to use them at temperatures higher than forty degrees Fahrenheit?

In the Bay Area 55 degrees is what passes for "oh my god it's so cold I can barely feel my limbs" weather. The flannels get pulled out at around 60 or so. (So, late December?)

Did I mention we also get grouchy when it's too damn hot to think? AKA 85?
posted by aspo at 3:07 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

I can't stand top sheets, it feels like sleeping in a letterbox. If I ever stay in a hotel there's always this viciously tucked in top sheet that doesn't allow for the possibility of an ACTUAL PERSON attempting to get into the bed. Somehow I jam myself in there and then commence a kind of angry flailing wiggle until it comes undone and I can curl it all about my person and get some kip.

Then the next day the housekeeping elves come and painstakingly straighten the thing out and weld it on again and I feel bad that I had to spoil their grand plan to prevent three-dimensional people from getting in there.
posted by emilyw at 3:09 PM on November 24, 2014 [29 favorites]

Being raised in the Ozarks, I've always just skimmed past the word "duvet," happily ignorant of the exact definition, assuming it's probably just a French word for blanket.
posted by General Tonic at 3:14 PM on November 24, 2014 [8 favorites]

HOW TO MAKE THE BED:

1. Take everything (including pillows) and throw it on the floor.
2. Apply the bottom sheet. If not fitted, tuck the excess sheet under the mattress so it doesn't slosh about.
3. If you have a top sheet, apply the top sheet. Tuck if you like to tuck. I don't.
4. Continue applying layers until they are all applied. Do not tuck additional layers.
5. At the headboard end of the bed, grasp all of the layers (except the bottom sheet) and fold them back about 18" so that the top sheet is visible and there is room for pillows.
6. Replace the pillows.

Ta-da! Bed made.
posted by grumpybear69 at 3:14 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Three sheets
Wind
posted by The Bellman at 3:15 PM on November 24, 2014 [28 favorites]

Top to bottom:

A man
A plan
A canal
A comforter
Panama
posted by Turkey Glue at 3:21 PM on November 24, 2014 [34 favorites]

Bread
Mayonnaise
Lettuce
Tomato
Bacon
Duvet
Bread
Mattress
Burma-Shave
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:28 PM on November 24, 2014 [23 favorites]

What I want to know is, who lives in a world where they have more pants hangers than chip clips?

I'd find it more useful to turn chip clips into pants hangers. In my house no snack or chip bag is unclipped, but I only have three pants hangers. So, every time my pants come out of the dryer, I have to decide which of my pants are nice enough and worn often enough to be worthy of be hung in the closet. And if you're a pair of shorts, you can just forget even seeing inside the closet hangspace, cause you're second class garments that will be folded and shoved into a bin, or a drawer if you're lucky.
posted by FJT at 3:29 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

Ha!

Silk duvet in a cotton duvet cover
Moi
Fitted sheet
Another fitted sheet
Mattress protector (according to IKEA.com, and who am I to argue)
Another one
Futon
One more
Frame
Floor

Winter nights get chilly in Denmark (and I sleep with an open window), but silk duvets are surprisingly warm (yet somehow cool in summer), and utterly comfortable.
posted by bouvin at 3:30 PM on November 24, 2014

man
man
man
man
man
man
Jesus
man
man
man
man
man
man
fitted sheet
posted by The Bellman at 3:30 PM on November 24, 2014 [10 favorites]

Strongest meats
Colored sheets
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:32 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

> "Also, apparently my wife is a wizard."

oh crap guys HE KNOWS

convene the tribunal and prepare the ritual
posted by kyrademon at 3:34 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

and preferring them over chopsticks is nothing to be ashamed about.

Chopsticks are the perfect flamin' hot Cheetos implement.

One day my mad dream of Cheetos that don't coat your hands in cheese dust thus interfering with your gaming will come true. Until then, chopsticks.
posted by Drinky Die at 3:34 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

I have one amazing lifehack that can solve almost any household issue that might arise:

Go to Bed Bath & Beyond. Cripes, people.
posted by Sara C. at 3:35 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

HOW TO MAKE THE BED (DUVET VERSION):

1. Spread duvet over bed
2. (Optional) Straighten pillows
posted by Phire at 3:35 PM on November 24, 2014 [17 favorites]

Non-Insomniac Winter Nights
Cat
Cat (both cats usually evicted from bedroom within 15 minutes of lights-out)
Quilt with pattern of cute adorable cats on it
Green down comforter which over the years has become this amorphous shape
Black down comforter of normal shape
White electric blanket set, in true Lou Gottlieb fashion, to 9
Topsheet
Husband and wife
Fitted Sheet
Bed

Non-Insomniac Summer Nights
Quilt with pattern of cute adorable cats on it
Black down comforter
Green blanket
White blanket
Topsheet
Husband and wife
Fitted Sheet
Bed
Cat we thought we'd kicked out earlier

Insomniac/Wildly-Disparate Sleep Schedule Days/Nights
Cat
Cat
Brown blanket
Green blanket
White blanket
Me
Durable cat-scratch-proof futon cover
Couch
posted by Spatch at 3:37 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

How to tell if an avocado is ripe

Do you wish to eat this avocado now? It's not ripe.
Is the avocado in your refrigerator? It might be soft, but it's mushy and disgusting inside.
Is the avocado in your produce basket? It's overripe. No, you shouldn't try to plant it and grow a tree. That shit takes forever. Go back to the store and buy some ripe ones.
posted by a halcyon day at 3:37 PM on November 24, 2014 [9 favorites]

Siberian Husky
Comforter
Blanket
Blanket
Top Sheet
Peoples
fitted sheet
Mattress topper etc.

Huron Bob, you lie!

Having once slept with a Siberian Husky, I know it goes like this:

Siberian Husky
Hair
Sweaty peoples
Moar hair
Sweaty fitted sheet...
posted by BlueHorse at 3:44 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

My favorite life-hack of recent memory.
posted by idiopath at 3:46 PM on November 24, 2014 [8 favorites]

Stop putting those avocados in the refrigerator.
posted by mumimor at 3:46 PM on November 24, 2014

Go to Bed Bath & Beyond. Cripes, people.

Indeed, at BB&B you can get a fitted sheet folding flip-board, a hands-free Cheetos feeding funnel (buy two; one for plain and one for Flamin' Hots!), an avocado ripeness probe, a fork tine debending crook, asparagus pickling flasks for excess asparagus, an egg calendar, a ten-pack of plastic pants hangers, a phone number for a guy who will watch your drink for you while you go to the bathroom...
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:48 PM on November 24, 2014 [28 favorites]

people
world
elephant
turtle
turtle
turtle
turtle
turtle
turtle
&tc.
&tc.
&tc.
posted by drlith at 3:49 PM on November 24, 2014 [14 favorites]

THANKSGIVING LIFEHACK:

We all know you can make Thanksgiving turkeys with your hand, but did you know you can also make a Thanksgiving Canada goose? Stick your thumb out, but keep your fingers down. Take a whole bunch of brussels sprouts or green beans from the Thanksgiving table and mash them up in your fist. Then squirt the resulting mush out the back.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:56 PM on November 24, 2014 [29 favorites]

My current bed troupe are the stiff pillows cause the SO likes like three of them so he can sit up in bed and work and it helps post nasal drip apparently? And I have to throw pillows away cause it feels like sleeping on a strange neck torture device.
posted by The Whelk at 3:59 PM on November 24, 2014

Ooh, this'll be fun -

COLD WINTER NIGHTS:

blue fleece blanket
superfluffyawesome TARDIS throw blanket received as a gift
duvet
red fleece blanket
topsheet
The Empress and her Callipygos in their splendor
bottom sheet
slab of awesome high density foam which has lasted nearly ten years now

WARMER WINTER NIGHTS:

Same, except blue fleece blanket and TARDIS blanket are folded at foot of bed.

SPRING AND FALL:

Patchwork quilt
red fleece blanket
topsheet
Empress
bottom sheet
high density foam

WARMER SPRING:

Same except no patchwork quilt.

SUMMER:

exotic Indian-print tapestry used as bedspread
topsheet
Empress
bottom sheet
etc.

HOT SUMMER:

Topsheet
Empress
Bottom Sheet
etc.

REALLY HOT SUMMER:

Empress
Bottom sheet
etc.

SERIOUSLY OH MY GOD HOT SUMMER;

topsheet which has been dunked into the tub and wrung out
Empress
Bottom sheet
etc.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:59 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

strange neck torture device

$9.99 at Bed Bath & Beyond
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:00 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

THANKSGIVING LIFEHACK:

5 banquet turkey dinners, jar of cranberry sauce, hostess apple pie

no, seriously, my family's having pizza
posted by pyramid termite at 4:03 PM on November 24, 2014

hair shirt
hair shirt
me
sedated porcupines
sedated alligator
non-sedated honey badgers for the pillows

i'm a tough guy
posted by pyramid termite at 4:07 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

HOW TO MAKE THE BED (DUVET VERSION):

1. Spread duvet over bed
2. (Optional) Straighten pillows

For extra fancy I like to spritz lavender water over the sheets!
posted by winna at 4:13 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

You don't rub crude oil all over your body beforehand?

Huh- I guess that's just how it is there in Dallas.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:28 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

mattress, mattress pad- fitted sheet- flat sheet, duvet

For me, it's:
snoring dog
comforter
quilt
flat sheet
me/snoring husband
fitted sheet
fabulous memory foam gel cover thing
mattress
posted by Beti at 4:29 PM on November 24, 2014

You can instantly double the amount of orange juice you have by just cutting it with water. It tastes the exact same.

I do this, but with tonic water. Is good!
posted by JHarris at 4:38 PM on November 24, 2014

(Actually club soda -- I get those two mixed up.)
posted by JHarris at 4:40 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

If the solution to keeping cake moist is to eat the whole thing, then that should also be the answer for both the snack dispenser and chip clip issues.

The cake thing doesn't help. Sometimes I've eaten several whole cakes but my chips just keep getting stale.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:46 PM on November 24, 2014 [7 favorites]

Winter:
Cat
Down Comforter
Top sheet (a recent innovation since I can't seem to find sheet sets without them)
me
bottom sheet
Bed
Rest of universe

Summer:
me & cat
Bottom sheet
Bed
Rest of universe
posted by evilDoug at 4:48 PM on November 24, 2014

cat 1 at highest point of elevation formed by spousal physique
80% of me exposed to nice crisp cold air
20 % of duvet in duvet cover (because top sheets are FALSE AND STUPID)
20 % of me (sweaty)
80 % of duvet in duvet cover with bits of duvet strategically bunched and wrapped to prevent skin to skin contact with heat generating spousal unit
spousal unit who seeks to snuggle under the false pretense of being cold while clearly radiating wasteful amounts of scorching heat
cat 2 tucked in behind spousal knees
sheet
stack of ancient futon mattresses now as hard as wooden planks
tatami mats
solid hardwood futon frame
assorted dust bunnies and cat hair
wood floor
black widows
crawl space
dirt
subterranean termites
infinite stack of turtles
posted by Hairy Lobster at 4:48 PM on November 24, 2014 [10 favorites]

if you confuse tonic water and club soda DO NOT be my bartender then because I will throw that "G&T" right back in your face :P

no really, I've had this happen to me at least 3 times when I ordered a gin and tonic... UGH!!!
posted by lonefrontranger at 4:49 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

For truly comfortable sleeping it is important not only to ditch the topsheet, but to have a separate duvet for every sleeper.

It is so awesome to be able to sleep in your very own duvet burrito with no fear of blanket stealing.
posted by insoluble uncertainty at 4:54 PM on November 24, 2014 [9 favorites]

> The first time I bought (very) high threadcount sheets I was hooked... it makes an enormous difference.

Aziz Ansari blows the lid off the deception of Big Sheet. [they've been doubling the count when they use two-ply thread]
posted by morganw at 4:56 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm so glad that I bothered to check why this silly post had so many comments since last I'd looked. I don't sleep with a top sheet and have been made to feel bad about it for years, but I'm pretty much incapable of doing so - every time I sleep in a bed that has one by the time I wake up the top sheet has been kicked off the bed, sometimes across the room.

Even though my mom is one of the people who has been needlessly judgmental about the top sheet thing, she also taught me how to fold a fitted sheet, a skill that has come in handy on a few occasions.

#LIFEHACK: Learn how to fold a fitted sheet. When visiting other people, offer to help with the laundry on the last day when guest linens are being dealt with. Fold the fitted sheets and have your skills lauded by these people for years.
posted by Mizu at 5:13 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Life hack: stop using the word moist. Just stop.
posted by madamjujujive at 5:14 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

  
    __  _______  _______________   __  _______  _______________   __  _______  _______________
   /  |/  / __ \/  _/ ___/_  __/  /  |/  / __ \/  _/ ___/_  __/  /  |/  / __ \/  _/ ___/_  __/
  / /|_/ / / / // / \__ \ / /    / /|_/ / / / // / \__ \ / /    / /|_/ / / / // / \__ \ / /   
 / /  / / /_/ // / ___/ // /    / /  / / /_/ // / ___/ // /    / /  / / /_/ // / ___/ // /    
/_/  /_/\____/___//____//_/    /_/  /_/\____/___//____//_/    /_/  /_/\____/___//____//_/

posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:29 PM on November 24, 2014 [20 favorites]

I will never understand the objections to the word moist.

It's ... a word.

It means slightly wet.
posted by kyrademon at 5:34 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Okay yeah, it's not really the word so much as what the word means. Now I can't stop imagining the feel of different, slightly wet things.
posted by VTX at 5:38 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Like ... dew on flower petals?

Pleasant lotion?

Cake?

I don't get it.
posted by kyrademon at 5:42 PM on November 24, 2014 [10 favorites]

sleeping arrangements in casa 5_13:

duvet in cover
SO
bottom sheet
mattress
2 floors of the house, and about 8 hours
duvet in cover
top sheet
fuzzy blanket
fuzzy blanket
me, naked
bottom sheet
mattress pad
mattress
dust, abandoned art projects

apparently, I need my space. and fuzzy blankets.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:42 PM on November 24, 2014

"Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty."
posted by Hairy Lobster at 5:43 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

I learned how cold I really am. Because fitted sheet, sheet (wife uses sheet above her) me, electric blanket, duvet cover surrounding down comforter, quilt, and another quilt plus 2 cats depending on the night.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:44 PM on November 24, 2014

Serious tip: I only buy striped sheets so I can instantly tell if I'm putting them on the bed the right way. This has saved a lot of frustration with the fitted sheet.
posted by desjardins at 5:46 PM on November 24, 2014 [40 favorites]

Winter sleeping necessity: Heated Mattress Pad.

Trust me. I'm from Wisconsin.
posted by nerdler at 5:54 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

I tell you what- flannel sheets are bad enough in the wintertime.

In the summer, well- it gets pretty moist.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:00 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Two comforters. Life is simple.
posted by underflow at 6:05 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Serious tip: I only buy striped sheets so I can instantly tell if I'm putting them on the bed the right way. This has saved a lot of frustration with the fitted sheet.

The last set of sheets I bought, the fitted one has little tabs sewn in that say "Top/Bottom" and "Side". A+ would put sheets on the correct way every time again.
posted by dorque at 6:06 PM on November 24, 2014 [8 favorites]

T-top sheet?! Apparently, after living in Canada for 16 years and in the US for 3 years, I am still not completely acculturated. I thought that was just something that hotels did. I guess I've never had a non-immigrant boyfriend, so I just never found out. You learn something new everyday.
posted by tickingclock at 6:15 PM on November 24, 2014

Sometimes I've eaten several whole cakes but my chips just keep getting stale.

Try switching up now and then.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:16 PM on November 24, 2014

Don't put salt in your eyes.
posted by mingo_clambake at 6:18 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

Zerowensboring, thanks for the pushpin story. When I was in grade 7, I got the strap several (hmm, quite a few) times because I was "bad". Once I got sent to the principal's office and was left waiting in the hall for a couple of hours (and never did see him). But there was a tack, and one of those plastic water-filled fire extinguishers on the wall. When I pulled the tack out, a fine stream of water went almost halfway across the hall, so I put the tack back in.

Several months later, someone on the PA said, "Will the student who put the tack in the fire extinguisher please come to the office RIGHT NOW!" Of course, by then I'd learned my lesson. Sure hope they caught the kid that did it.
posted by sneebler at 6:36 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Sometimes I've eaten several whole cakes but my chips just keep getting stale.

My favorite Aunt eats chocolate cake with potato chips. Problem solved!
posted by CrazyLemonade at 6:40 PM on November 24, 2014

How to play the flute: Blow on one end and move you fingers up and down on the other.

Great!

Super!

Next: how to rid the world of all known diseases.
posted by plinth at 6:49 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

"Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth." - Ambrose Bierce
posted by sneebler at 6:52 PM on November 24, 2014

I want my 2 megs back please
posted by clavdivs at 6:53 PM on November 24, 2014

You can instantly double the amount of orange juice you have by just cutting it with water. It tastes the exact same.

Sunny Delight does that. They call it "California Style".
posted by sourwookie at 6:59 PM on November 24, 2014

I'm still trying to wrap my head around not routinely using a top sheet. I mean, aside from the heathen Dutch, who would forgo the comfort of sliding betwixt two sheets while reserving the option of deploying the down?

HOT WEATHER

Top sheet
sobsister
Fitted sheet

COLD WEATHER

Down
Top sheet
sobsister
Fitted sheet

Anything else is contra naturam, people!
posted by the sobsister at 7:00 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]

Chopsticks are the perfect flamin' hot Cheetos implement

Please write moar tips. I find this intriguing and wish to subscribe to your newsletter or twitter or tumblr or RSS or YouTube feeds.

Here's my tip of the day. For a wonderful coconut free Ambrosia fruit salad, just take some things you happen to have around the house like a little fruit cup with everything found in generic ambrosia and then turn up the volume (wink) with some wonderful blackberries you happen to have that are about to turn because nobody is eating them fast oh and also some bananas about to be turnt up not brown yet and drain all the fruit cocktail juice by opening the lid just slightly to create your very own strainer for this exact purpose. You're welcome.

Then make sure you happen to have a shit load if whipped cream or cool whip lying around and mix all that shit up with a splash of some random juice in your fridge. Give to kid. They will lurve this decadent Sandra Lee style approach to cans and you will feel like the barefoot contessa for turning up the volume. If you did the strainer thing, Alton Brown is in your blood. If you inhaled the nitrous oxide from your Redi Wip, you're a straight culinary descendent of Bourdain.

Your kids are now hacked. Pwnt. They will easily follow all of your orders without hesitation for about five minutes after.
posted by aydeejones at 7:04 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

Note: if you have coconut, turn up the volume on this coconut free Ambrosia by throwing some of that shit in there. It must be shredded, children struggle with eating the outer husk.
posted by aydeejones at 7:04 PM on November 24, 2014 [4 favorites]

Hey fellows, I've got one! Tired of your aeons-old wrappings trailing on the ground and fraying? Try this one weird Black Ritual of Anubis!
posted by Mister_A at 7:21 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

This thread has made me feel as if having a heated bedroom is decadent.
posted by Ik ben afgesneden at 7:26 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Sooo I only have one set of sheets for my bed, and the unfoldable sheet has a pretty big hole in it.

It started out as big as my head, and now it’s as big as my middle and I’m considering sliding through it for extra warmth during these cold months.
posted by Chutzler at 7:29 PM on November 24, 2014

Top to bottom

Cocker Spaniel 1
Cocker Spaniel 2
Comforter (fall and winter only)
Blanket or quilt
Flat sheet, cotton
Me
Fitted sheet, cotton
Mattress cover
Mattress
Box springs
Bed inherited from grandparents
Spiders, dust bunnies, and whatever toys the cocker spaniels have left beneath the bed
posted by magstheaxe at 7:29 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Screw this sheet jibber-jabber, how many pounds of dust mites and dust mite dropping do you folks consider the minimal amount for maximum comfort?
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 7:39 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

desjardins: I think the Europeans do something different with bed sheets. They have one only on the bottom or on the top or something, I forget. I'm pretty sure that's where MartinWisse's confusion comes from.

Whoever hands in the wrong sheet spends the night in the box.
posted by dr_dank at 7:40 PM on November 24, 2014

How do you think I get out of bed in the morning? Anything less than a tidal wave of mite-mentum won't do it, I'll tell you that.
posted by Chutzler at 7:41 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Re the Aziz Ansari bit linked upthread.

So, this weekend I happened to need to hit up Bed Bath & Beyond for a new set of sheets. I had done a little research so I knew how the whole threadcount racket works. So I'm surfing over to the Wamsutta Percale 400 threadcount zone, and I notice something.

BB&B doesn't carry Hotel Luxury Linens anymore.

But they have something new in the 600+ thread count tier: Palais Royale.

So at this point, five star hotel sheets are completely bullshit. Now, if you want to feel luxurious, you want to imagine yourself sleeping at fucking Versailles.

Palais Royale? Really? Come on.

Needless to say I left with the simple classy 400 thread count percale. Palais Royale? Who do they think they're kidding?
posted by Sara C. at 7:53 PM on November 24, 2014

You have to be careful with the Palais Royale sheets.

You could wake up one morning to find yourself surrounded by a roomful of 18th-century courtiers.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:12 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Let them eat dry cake.

On moist sheets.
posted by dglynn at 8:23 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

just to second what desjardins has said, one does not iron sheets for the appearance of ironed sheets, one irons them for them the sensation of ironed sheets. Alas for those of us without room to iron the sheets.
posted by crush-onastick at 8:35 PM on November 24, 2014

NEVER USE "HACK" WHERE "TIP" IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE.
posted by zardoz at 8:38 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

A moist morsel is a messy meal. Mostly.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:43 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

just to second what desjardins has said, one does not iron sheets for the appearance of ironed sheets, one irons them for them the sensation of ironed sheets.

Is this something that you would have to wash your sheets to know about?
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:45 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

NEVER USE "HACK" WHERE "TIP" IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE.

Never use "hack the tip" where "circumcision" is sufficient.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:52 PM on November 24, 2014 [13 favorites]

Life Hack.

A synonym of Click Bait.

I have to admit to trying to learn how to learn to fold fitted sheets, though. Twice. No luck.

As a 62-year old dog, I am still open to learning new tricks, but it seems to me as if life has not changed enough to suddenly open a new bag of happy solutions just because the Internet has offered up an opportunity for millions of answers to life's minor problems. Now, the Web has given a colorful cornucopia of explanations for why things have gone wrong (David Icke has happily combined all of the conspiracies into one - Reptilians, Jews, Aliens, The Queen, The Trilateral Commission, The Fed, The Bohemian Grove, the Council on Foreign Relations…one-stop shopping!).

But peanut butter, folding things, cooking…you are all on your own, folks. Turn off your computer.
posted by kozad at 8:57 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Ask Metafilter: Life has not changed enough to suddenly open a new bag of happy solutions just because the Internet has offered up an opportunity for millions of answers to life's minor problems.
posted by bleep at 9:05 PM on November 24, 2014

As an American, I would like to advance the opinion that top sheets are a scurrilous plague that cannot be eradicated quickly enough. Feet should be either free to curl beneath all of the blankets into a footrito, or else free to chill in the cool air, as dictated by the ambient temperature. Top sheets are like foot prisons that prevent feet from either being sufficiently warm or sufficiently cool, which is just awful all around.

Unfortunately my spouse insists they're mandatory, which leaves me operating a secret campaign to "accidentally" kick them to the base of the bed over time when they appear....
posted by sciatrix at 9:31 PM on November 24, 2014 [10 favorites]

cat
awesome $15 fleecy blanket from Costco, to make sure my feet are covered
duvet in a duvet cover because I'm not a savage, pulled up over my ears
me
fitted sheet
that one memory-foam mattress we all got from Amazon because of that AskMe
bedframe
dust bunnies
fitted sheet
a stack of self-inflating camping mattresses, self-inflated
floor
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:35 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

> As an American, I would like to advance the opinion that top sheets are a scurrilous plague that cannot be eradicated quickly enough. Feet should be either free to curl beneath all of the blankets into a footrito, or else free to chill in the cool air, as dictated by the ambient temperature

You have my vote for whatever position you're campaigning for, sir or madam.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:36 PM on November 24, 2014 [1 favorite]

Top sheets are like foot prisons that prevent feet from either being sufficiently warm or sufficiently cool, which is just awful all around.

Top sheets are the bed giving you a big lineny hug.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:49 PM on November 24, 2014 [5 favorites]

Life hack: You don't need to tuck the top sheet in! What are you crazy or something?
posted by aspo at 10:24 PM on November 24, 2014 [11 favorites]

Best European Háqüēs: electric kettle; duvet/no top sheet; bidets

Best American Hacks: American toilet (BIG and gloriously wasteful; no shelves); American refrigerator (BIG and gloriously wasteful; shelves)
posted by taz at 10:40 PM on November 24, 2014 [6 favorites]

Here's my tip of the day. For a wonderful coconut free Ambrosia fruit salad, just take some things you happen to have around the house like a little fruit cup with everything found in generic ambrosia and then turn up the volume (wink) with some wonderful blackberries you happen to have that are about to turn because nobody is eating them fast oh and also some bananas about to be turnt up not brown yet and drain all the fruit cocktail juice by opening the lid just slightly to create your very own strainer for this exact purpose. You're welcome.

As long as you left the plums alone.
posted by Samizdata at 11:10 PM on November 24, 2014 [3 favorites]

Bed stuff:
I slept with a woman who only owned fitted sheets, no flat ones, and used a fitted sheet as a top sheet. No joke,
fitted sheet
people
fitted sheet
She also only slept about two hours at a time.
I suspect there may have been a causal relation there.

I gave up on flat sheets around the same time I gave up on pajamas, because I would often wake up with one or the other or both kicked down to the foot of the bed and tangled around my ankles.

For two years, I didn't have my own room, and I slept in a sleeping bag on a non-fold-out couch.

Now,

I go
Comforter
Fleece blanket
Me
Comforter
Futon

Sheets are a pain in the ass.
In summer, I ditch the topmost comforter.
In deepest winter, I add a top layer of: Quilt my mother made for a wedding present for me and my wife, which now that I'm ten years divorced the little panel in one corner on the bottom side with the wedding date on it doesn't taunt me as much as it did the first few years.

Also, I feel like I might be the only person I know who
A) keeps the blankets square on the bed even as I turn over while
B) not tucking anything under the foot of the bed.
I can't sufficiently explain how I do this. My girlfriend doesn't understand it, so she often winds up trying to fit her entire person under one corner.
If I get out of bed, I often come back to not enough blanket for a whole Moofoo, and I re-blanket us both, because I'm an adult and there's no reason I should have to spend half the night fighting with a quarter of a blanket.
I have suggested that she fit her mattress at her place with buttons, so she can just button her sheets and blankets to the bed to keep them square.

I've looked it up, and I don't think I've ever seen a duvet in person.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 12:30 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

So in 2007 there was a pretty huge ice storm that took out power for a week, and even though we had gas heating, the fans and control board still needed electricity. So on the second night of that bullshit, when my roommate Dave complained about the cold, I offered the following protip:

1. Protip: if you're cold at night, use the zipper on what you call your comforter to turn it back into a fucking sleeping bag.
posted by pwnguin at 12:35 AM on November 25, 2014 [5 favorites]

Great-grandmother's quilt
Virtuous pagans
Comforter
Lustful
Duvet in duvet cover
Flannel blanket
Gluttons
Fleece blanket
Avaricious
Light blanket
Flat sheet, Turkish cotton
Wrathful
Flat sheet, Egyptian cotton
Heretics
Fitted sheet
Mattress pad
Violent
Mattress
Frauds
Box springs
Traitors
Bed frame
Dusty boxes with grade school report cards
Floor
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 3:28 AM on November 25, 2014 [12 favorites]

No, seriously, I do not understand flat sheets at all. What is their purpose? I have never slept with one, and now that I live in the Land of the Duvets I am no longer an outcast. Life is good.
posted by Gordafarin at 5:10 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

because juices of people and animals are sopped up by the top sheet, keeping your duvet juice-free
posted by angrycat at 5:51 AM on November 25, 2014 [3 favorites]

In addition to that, I just find that top sheets make everything warmer. Plus, what do you do in summer - just sleep totally uncovered? Or do you use a duvet even in summer? That baffles me.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:04 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: well- it gets pretty moist.

Those of you who are in mixed-sheet relationships, here's your pro tip: the top-sheet fan gets the whole of the top sheet, folded double. That way the TS hater gets to sleep TS-free, and the fan gets twice as much topping.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:15 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think I may have to rethink how I layer my cat.
posted by Kabanos at 6:18 AM on November 25, 2014 [4 favorites]

No, seriously, I do not understand flat sheets at all. What is their purpose?

For me I think it's so that the fabric on the bottom of me feels like the fabric on the top of me. It's also nice for in the summer if it's too hot to toss off all the layers but the top sheet because it feels weird to me if I'm not covered by something when I'm sleeping.

It's also so that you only touch sheets which are thin fabric and easy to wash vs. the blanket that is the next layer. We never wash our blankets/coverlets/duvets but we wash the sheets twice a week.

I suppose one could wash pillows too but instead we put pillow cases on them. But maybe we can stir a up a third group of people who think that putting pillow cases on their pillows is a travesty or something.
posted by VTX at 6:19 AM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

In summer you sleep under the duvet cover without the duvet inside it. For the all of three days that this might be necessary.

The duvet cover gets washed when the bottom sheet does.
posted by emilyw at 6:23 AM on November 25, 2014 [3 favorites]

So you're taking your duvet out of the cover EVERY WEEK? You people have a lot of free time on your hands. Or, alternately, some disgusting bottom sheets.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:25 AM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

Serious Pro-Tip For Realsies:

In summer, take the down comforter out of the duvet cover and just use the duvet cover like a thin cool blanket.

Keep in mind, though, I am TOP SHEET 4 LYFE yall.

Top sheet means you don't have to pull your shitty $14.99 IKEA duvet cover off the duvet or comforter or whatever we're calling it nowadays to wash it once a week.

Also, top sheets are soft. Duvets are OK against your skin, but not as nice as a sheet.

For the record:

down duvet thing
duvet cover I haven't gotten around to stuffing with the down part because Lazy
TOP SHEET BITCHES
Sara C.
socks I kick off in the night
iPhone charger
the newest issue of Ms. Marvel
small change
bottom sheet that has a hole in it AFTER TWO YEARS wtf IKEA you had one job
completely fucking useless mattress pad
over-squishy mattress I'm definitely replacing following yesterday's AskMe
murphy bed
probably all the underwear and t-shirts I can't find
dog hair
a gorgeous hand-knotted kilim designed by my friend Bharati
ants
floor
downstairs neighbors talking animatedly about whether Foxcatcher was good
hill
more ants
probably a fault line of some kind?
the earth's molten core
ants
posted by Sara C. at 6:29 AM on November 25, 2014 [7 favorites]

I was the giant great and still
That sits upon the pillow-hill,
And sees before him, dale and plain,
The pleasant land of counterpane.
posted by Chrysostom at 6:35 AM on November 25, 2014 [3 favorites]

Featherbed
Featherbed
Featherbed
Featherbed
Featherbed
Featherbed
Featherbed
Featherbed
Featherbed
Featherbed
Mattress
Mattress
Mattress
Mattress
Mattress
Pea
Mattress
Mattress
Mattress
Mattress
Mattress

Yet I always sleep for shit. Think I should invest in a few more mattresses? Maybe a Tempur-Pedic?
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:39 AM on November 25, 2014 [10 favorites]

....Damn, Metroid, do you really need a bed to be THAT soft?

have you tried a firmer mattress instead? I've tried a featherbed and slept TOTALLY crappy because it wasn't giving me anywhere near enough support, then I switched to the Foam Mattress Of Awesome and it changed my life. Seriously, two of my last boyfriends interrupted things in the middle of the first time we got busy at my place to ask "wow, this is a really comfortable bed, where'd you get the mattress?"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:04 AM on November 25, 2014

The duvet cover gets washed when the bottom sheet does.

So you're taking your duvet out of the cover EVERY WEEK? You people have a lot of free time on your hands. Or, alternately, some disgusting bottom sheets.

Again, and I'm serious--do you non-top-sheet folks not have frequent sex? I find it necessary to change my sheets at least once a week, or they get crusty. </humblebrag>
posted by pupsocket at 7:10 AM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

The purpose of a flat sheet is to keep the people sweat and skin oils off the duvet. I suppose one could say that's why you use a duvet cover. HOWEVER, it is much simpler to toss a flat sheet into the washing machine than it is it wrestle a cover off a duvet, launder it, and stuff the duvet back into its cover. I guess if you sleep in pyjamas, you don't need either a flat sheet or a duvet cover, but who sleeps in pyjamas?
posted by crush-onastick at 7:33 AM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

The purpose of a flat sheet is to keep the people sweat and skin oils off the duvet. I suppose one could say that's why you use a duvet cover.

That's what I'd say.

So you're taking your duvet out of the cover EVERY WEEK? You people have a lot of free time on your hands.

It's five minutes tops to pull off a duvet cover and replace with a clean one. 5 minutes is worth it for a superior sleeping experience.
posted by Kabanos at 7:51 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

So you're taking your duvet out of the cover EVERY WEEK? You people have a lot of free time on your hands.

Yes, and I also take the pillows out of the pillow cases once a week. It takes about as long as getting the bottom sheet off does. It's not sewn in there or something!
posted by emilyw at 7:52 AM on November 25, 2014 [5 favorites]

There are a bunch of people in this thread I want to sleep with. Cuz y'all good at sleeping.
posted by Mister_A at 7:53 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

There are a bunch of people in this thread I want to sleep with.

Well hello there. (wink)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:58 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

> If I get out of bed, I often come back to not enough blanket for a whole Moofoo, and I re-blanket us both, because I'm an adult and there's no reason I should have to spend half the night fighting with a quarter of a blanket.

Which is why all sensible people have a one duvet per person rule.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:22 AM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

kyrademon
3567 pp, 16662 gp, 76540 sp, and 136983 cp in loose coins
Bolt of Gold Cloth (1000 gp)
Brass Cloth Tabard (800 gp)
Amulet of Natural Armor (+5) (50000 gp)
Bolt of Silver Cloth (1700 gp)
Silver Tiara inlaid with Mithral (8000 gp)
Box of Perfumed Candles (80 gp)
Hematite Ring set with Malachite (700 gp)
Polished Stone Rod (20 gp)
Heavy Steel Shield (Medium) (+3 shield, Improved Fire Resistance) (inscription provides clue to function) (51170 gp)
Iron Choker (160 gp)
Carved Wooden Puzzle Box (110 gp)
Chrysoberyl Pedestal (1000 gp)
Brass Gauntlets set with Golden Pearl (2000 gp)
Ivory Dice (pair) set with Eye Agate (500 gp)
Pink Pearl Jar wreathed in Continual Flame (2000 gp)
Bronze Holy Symbol (of a God of Chaos) set with Smoky Quartz (1100 gp)
Carved Wooden Ring (90 gp)
Ring of Wizardry (I) (20000 gp) (design provides clue to function)
posted by kyrademon at 8:32 AM on November 25, 2014 [10 favorites]

I think top sheets are like tighty-whities.

And duvet-only is like boxers. Or maybe commando.
posted by Kabanos at 8:37 AM on November 25, 2014

With a duvet per person, don't you wind up with duvet in between you and your bed partner? Seems like it would significantly reduce snuggle opportunities.
posted by Lexica at 8:42 AM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

me
regolith
posted by dmd at 8:59 AM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

No, seriously, I do not understand flat sheets at all. What is their purpose?

I usually don't use one either, but you know how sometimes you flip the pillow over at night, and the other side is cool, and it feels pretty awesome? Sometimes getting into a bed with a flat sheet feels just like that, but all over your body.
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:19 AM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

me
regolith

That sounds hardcore, dmd, but my research has revealed that it's apparently rather luxurious.
posted by taz at 9:20 AM on November 25, 2014

It's five minutes tops to pull off a duvet cover and replace with a clean one.

in theory maybe but in practice it's more like me hold blanket corners and flailing around inside a duvet cover for 20 minutes weeping and eventually curling up into a sad resigned little ball of duvet failure and sleeping right there on the floor
posted by poffin boffin at 9:21 AM on November 25, 2014 [6 favorites]

[It's] more like me... flailing around inside a duvet cover for 20 minutes...

Life hack: It goes better if you make spooky ghost noises.
posted by carmicha at 9:27 AM on November 25, 2014 [6 favorites]

this works for all things, yes.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:39 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

Lexica:

"With a duvet per person, don't you wind up with duvet in between you and your bed partner? Seems like it would significantly reduce snuggle opportunities."

While we don't use 2 duvets I do strategically bunch up bits of our large shared duvet between me and my wife creating a natural barrier. She does want to snuggle but I can't tolerate it. She always complains about being cold but it seems like she's cold because she radiates away heat like a thousand suns. Me on the other hand, I'm always too warm and I rarely even cover myself entirely in winter. If there is any skin-to-skin contact between us and it's not deepest winter with the window open so it's cold enough inside the bedroom to see your breath then I can't sleep. Too much heat.

This is also why tucking in sheets is just wrong. Being able to expose or cover your feet at will is how I regulate body temperature. Tucked in top sheets are an abomination and I have never seen them anywhere but in the US.

Plus tucked in top sheets usually means a duvet without a cover. When I sleep in hotel beds the top sheet inevitably ends up twisted up somewhere and I'm now exposed skin to uncovered duvet. This is gross. Uncovered duvets are another abomination that must be stopped and expunged from the minds of humans and from the records of history.

I can change a duvet cover as quickly as I can change a regular sheet. In fact putting a fitted sheet on a bed takes longer. Here is how it's done:

1) invert duvet cover (seams on outside)
2) bunch it up towards opening, reach inside and grab back corners with hands
3) with a corner in each hand grab two corners of the duvet
4) pull your hands out of the duvet cover (this reverts your duvet cover except now the duvet is inside of it, straight, no bunching up, a duvet corner in each cover corner.)
posted by Hairy Lobster at 9:46 AM on November 25, 2014 [5 favorites]

Awesome three-layer wool cloak a friend made for me (when very, very cold)
Purple fleece blanket (when very cold)
Comforter in comforter cover, which is held in place with safety pins, because lose to sheet makes no sense and how do you guarantee alignment and besides it complicates my nightly quest to turn myself into a burrito, OR
Comforter cover with no comforter on it (late spring)
Single sheet (really hot summer)
Me
Flat or fitted sheet, I know how to tuck and I don't care
Nice mattress pad
Nice memory foam
Mattress
Box
Carpet
Probably-wooden floor
Mice holes
Apartment downstairs
Probably-concrete floor
Foundation
etc.

(I don't have a bedframe despite being functional adult. Just don't see the point, frankly.)
posted by seyirci at 9:48 AM on November 25, 2014

> With a duvet per person, don't you wind up with duvet in between you and your bed partner? Seems like it would significantly reduce snuggle opportunities

No, you overlap them and snuggle until the moment your bed partner turns into pile of molten lava, at which point you push him away and happily retreat to your side of the bed.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:49 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

Crazy Russian Hacker: How to Put on a Duvet Cover Like a BOSS!

This video does nothing to support my claims of quick-and-easy duvet cover change, but is worth watching just for the camouflage uniform, novel burrito technique, and pronunciation of "duvet".
posted by Kabanos at 10:10 AM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

Actual tip: use wooden clothespins for chip and other bag clipping.

You can buy a bag of 50 in the laundry section of the grocery store for like 3 bucks or something. You can even use one of them to close the bag holding the rest! Clipping for years.

Seconding not tucking in the top sheet. It is cruel and unusual punishment to bind yourself in there.

Unless you're super-concerned the monsters under the bed will reach out and grab your unprotected foot in the middle of the night with horribly cold claws. Small price to pay.
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:33 AM on November 25, 2014

until the moment your bed partner turns into pile of molten lava, at which point you...

... press my back up against the wall and shove them out of bed onto the floor like it's leg day and i'm hella pumped
posted by poffin boffin at 10:57 AM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

Does anyone else have cats who do that thing in the middle of the night where they both increase in numbers and grow in size? Our two pretty much turn into 10 lions overnight is what it seems like. They paralyze us and the blankets.
posted by rtha at 11:28 AM on November 25, 2014 [5 favorites]

I was having a relentlessly shitty day and I have giggled at this for about 20 minutes and it is helping. Out of gratitude, I will present my most recently acquired Actual Life Hack: Put a lazy susan in your refrigerator so that you can twirl it to access all the boxed up leftovers and mysterious jars of condiments and fine artisinal cheeses, as opposed to only discovering them when you're emptying everything out of your refrigerator to find out what that smell is.
posted by KathrynT at 11:30 AM on November 25, 2014 [7 favorites]

Just thinking about flat sheets makes me want to buy another half-dozen fleece blankets and sleep under all of them like a wildling.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 11:30 AM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

Seconding not tucking in the top sheet. It is cruel and unusual punishment to bind yourself in there.

On the other hand, having the top sheet tucked in is like being gently hugged which is very comforting if you are single and sleeping alone.

that may be the most depressing thing I've typed all day
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:01 PM on November 25, 2014 [10 favorites]

optimally, I roll myself up in the top sheet like a burrito. it goes:

quilt
quilt
top sheet
me
same top sheet
fitted sheet
matress pad
futon
posted by yeolcoatl at 12:27 PM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

You can instantly double the amount of orange juice you have by just cutting it with water. It tastes the exact same.

FLAGGED AS EVIL LIES
posted by psoas at 12:28 PM on November 25, 2014 [3 favorites]

On the other hand, having the top sheet tucked in is like being gently hugged which is very comforting if you are single and sleeping alone.

this is why so many of the lists include cats fyi

because with a cat you are never alone

(even if you really want to be like for instance when you are pooping)
posted by scrump at 12:31 PM on November 25, 2014 [4 favorites]

the best part is the little angry paws scrabbling furiously under the crack of the door you are steadfastly holding shut with your knee
posted by poffin boffin at 12:43 PM on November 25, 2014 [10 favorites]

That top-sheet-only in summer thing never worked for me. It's like a lie. I need blankets to be heavy more than I need them to be warm. I keep fantasizing about a chain mail blanket that's got maybe a thin army blanket underneath to prevent snags.
Someday.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 12:54 PM on November 25, 2014 [7 favorites]

I have never had to replace bed linens, car seats, beach towels, pic-a-nic blankets, etc., due to sex juices. Clearly, I/ we are doing it wrong. Hope me, MefiFilter!
posted by theora55 at 12:56 PM on November 25, 2014

I know about cats in beds. I don't have that in my life any more either.

I'mma go home and lie down in my lonely bed and listen to The Police.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:01 PM on November 25, 2014

Mister Moofoo: check these puppies out
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:04 PM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

winter
possibly a wool blanket or 2
duvet, a.k.a. down comforter, in duvet cover.
flannel top sheet
small, cuddly, farting dog
me
pillows in flannel pillow cases
pillows in shams for sitting up to read in bed
flannel fitted sheet
electric mattress warmer
mattress that I've slept on for a number of years, so full of miteshit and mites
fitted white sheet
bed

Labor Day
all cotton, flat-woven top sheet - knitted/ jersey sheets and/ or polyester sheets are crap.
small, cuddly, farting dog, making it sure is warm cuddling so close to you, but I shall not be budged smells
me
pillows in all cotton, flat-woven pillow cases
pillows in shams for sitting up to read in bed
all cotton, flat-woven fitted sheet
mattress that I've slept on for a number of years, so full of miteshit and mites enjoying summer in Maine
fitted white sheet
bed
posted by theora55 at 1:06 PM on November 25, 2014

I think they have a sheet under them and then just a blanket and/or duvet on top of them. No sheet in between

With a duvet, yes. Blanket and no top sheet bars you from civilisation according to certain experts in southern countries*.

*Who have not lived in the UK with ineffectual radiators that the landlord won't fix. Duvet and two blankets, ta.
posted by ersatz at 1:52 PM on November 25, 2014

People, you're all pronouncing it wrong. It's 'duwet'.
posted by lodurr at 2:05 PM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

You can instantly double the amount of orange juice you have by just cutting it with water. It tastes the exact same.

You can save even more by using Tang instead of real juice! It tastes like astronauts!
posted by bonehead at 2:25 PM on November 25, 2014 [4 favorites]

For the most frugal juice though, you just need to keep a pitcher at the back of the fridge and add all the remaining syrups from canned goods. Fruit salad, peaches and pears are all good. Adding sweet pickle juice and the liquid from canned beans and other vegetable saves even more!
posted by bonehead at 2:29 PM on November 25, 2014 [1 favorite]

-- and after it ferments, you'll save a trip out for Ripple!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:16 PM on November 25, 2014 [2 favorites]

Great-grandmother's quilt
Virtuous pagans
Comforter
Lustful
Duvet in duvet cover
Flannel blanket
Gluttons
Fleece blanket
Avaricious
Light blanket
Flat sheet, Turkish cotton
Wrathful
Flat sheet, Egyptian cotton
Heretics

Your cattas have funny names.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 4:20 PM on November 25, 2014 [5 favorites]

Actual tip: use wooden clothespins for chip and other bag clipping.

really? I just ~~stole~~ reallocated about a kg worth of randomly-sized metal binder clips from my office. For free. And in a pinch (heh) I can use the big 2" ones to deactivate the cat when it's time for claw clipping.

in the lfr household the situation goes something like:

cat prime
emergency backup cat
plushy fluffy Costco velour throw on bottom half of bed which keeps most cat hair off the duvet and most cats off the pillows
duvet, in a duvet cover because come on, it's not that hard, really
flat sheet
(occasionally) emergency backup cat, esp. if very cold
mr and mrs lfr
random socks , undies and sleepwear
fitted sheet
smartphones (sleep cycle alarms are the shit yo)
generic mattress pad
generic mattress
generic box spring
murphy bed that cost more than it should have but doesn't squeak
flat storage boxes full of spare linens and god only knows what else
slippers
dust bunnies
cat hair
random cat toys guaranteed to make random irritating noise at 3AM
hardwood floor
brown recluse spiders
crawl space
fill clay
radon infused bedrock
&etc...
posted by lonefrontranger at 4:49 PM on November 25, 2014

No, seriously, I do not understand flat sheets at all. What is their purpose? I have never slept with one, and now that I live in the Land of the Duvets I am no longer an outcast. Life is good.

Reading your comment, I finally understand the lyrics to the Serial Experiments Lain opening:

And you don't seem to understand,
A shame you seemed an honest man.
And all the fears you hold so dear,
Will turn to whisper in your ear

And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing

posted by pwnguin at 6:16 PM on November 25, 2014

UFO
pool of water
leaky roof
verdant ecosystem
ceiling/growth medium
cat (orange)
comforter cover part A (white)
comforter (blue and white)
missing sock (probably gray)
comforter cover part B
cat's astral projection
flat sheet (white)
cloud of ideas for brilliant contributions to recently ended metafilter threads
the neutralmojos (off-white and brown)
fitted sheet (green)
foam mattress
bed-frame
gift wrapping center
carpet (beige)
wood, concrete, etc.
dinosaur bones
mole people's drink coasters
mole people's drinks
upside-down dinosaur bones
upside-down factory workers (over-worked) in China where all of the above is manufactured
posted by neutralmojo at 4:28 AM on November 26, 2014 [7 favorites]

> I go: Floor, skin, organs, core of solid explosive cordite, tiny homunculus who carries my humors, sleeping bag.

Exploitation! Occupy Potomac Avenue!
posted by homunculus at 10:45 AM on November 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

The whole:

Stack of things above you
You
Stack of things beneath you

...gag is one of the more interesting bits of emergent site behavior I've seen here in some time.
posted by JHarris at 4:20 AM on November 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

It certainly is a top sheet turvy thread.
posted by Kabanos at 7:49 PM on December 1, 2014 [4 favorites]

I don't know how they got themselves wedged in those piles of things, or why
posted by bleep at 10:25 PM on December 1, 2014 [3 favorites]

For the most frugal juice though, you just need to keep a pitcher at the back of the fridge and add all the remaining syrups from canned goods.

Mix in a teaspoonfull of yogurt and allow to ferment to get your own healthful drink!*

--
*to avoid severe intestinal distress, do not actually drink healthful drink.
posted by lodurr at 5:58 AM on December 2, 2014

Max's Life Hacks
posted by the man of twists and turns at 3:37 PM on December 9, 2014

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