"I regret I am a punching ball"
December 21, 2015 6:40 AM Subscribe
A FIFA-charterd independent ethic committee has suspended FIFA President Sepp Blatter from all football-related activities for eight years. The decision takes effect immediately.
Blatter has been FIFA President since 1998 and led the world federation through a period of consistent growth and controversy, with billions of people tuning in to the quadrennial World Cup competitions, and millions of dollars flowing into Blatter's personal accounts -- in particular, a $2M payoff in February 2011 that the committee focused on. That payoff is also being cited in a Swiss criminal prosecution (FIFA's headquarters is in Switzerland).
Blatter blames corruption for his troubles, but someone else's, saying "If we had awarded the World Cup in 2022 to the USA, we would not be here."
UEFA President Michel Platini was also banned for eight years, and has called it "a real farce" and threatened legal action against FIFA.
Blatter has been FIFA President since 1998 and led the world federation through a period of consistent growth and controversy, with billions of people tuning in to the quadrennial World Cup competitions, and millions of dollars flowing into Blatter's personal accounts -- in particular, a $2M payoff in February 2011 that the committee focused on. That payoff is also being cited in a Swiss criminal prosecution (FIFA's headquarters is in Switzerland).
Blatter blames corruption for his troubles, but someone else's, saying "If we had awarded the World Cup in 2022 to the USA, we would not be here."
UEFA President Michel Platini was also banned for eight years, and has called it "a real farce" and threatened legal action against FIFA.
Well, to be fair, it's gonna be tough running FIFA from prison.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:03 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by leotrotsky at 7:03 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
“I will fight for me and I will fight for FIFA,” he said.
Sorry, Sepp, but VISA and McDonalds have spoken, and you're out. Just go home to your nice little chalet, have your man pour you a Remy Martin, and relax. In a couple of years, the heat will have died down, and we'll make sure there's a nice corporate box for you in Russia. And if not, we'll get you a flatscreen big enough to be watched from space.
We'll never forget you.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:03 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Sorry, Sepp, but VISA and McDonalds have spoken, and you're out. Just go home to your nice little chalet, have your man pour you a Remy Martin, and relax. In a couple of years, the heat will have died down, and we'll make sure there's a nice corporate box for you in Russia. And if not, we'll get you a flatscreen big enough to be watched from space.
We'll never forget you.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:03 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
That money was just resting in my account!
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:06 AM on December 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:06 AM on December 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
Blatter, who sat alongside his daughter, name-dropped Nelson Mandela as he opened the new conference with a 20-minute monologue.
I've always said to Mahatma Gandhi that one should name-drop only when this is absolutely necessary and useful.
Now please excuse me while I have to take a call from the Dalai Lama.
posted by sour cream at 7:26 AM on December 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
I've always said to Mahatma Gandhi that one should name-drop only when this is absolutely necessary and useful.
Now please excuse me while I have to take a call from the Dalai Lama.
posted by sour cream at 7:26 AM on December 21, 2015 [11 favorites]
Blatter blames corruption for his troubles, but someone else's, saying "If we had awarded the World Cup in 2022 to the USA, we would not be here."
The only difference is that if the USA had gotten the 2022 World Cup, someone else would have blown the whistle at a slightly different time and place.
posted by savetheclocktower at 7:39 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
The only difference is that if the USA had gotten the 2022 World Cup, someone else would have blown the whistle at a slightly different time and place.
posted by savetheclocktower at 7:39 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Blatter blames corruption for his troubles, but someone else's, saying "If we had awarded the World Cup in 2022 to the USA, we would not be here."
This is pretty hilarious given how little the US cares about soccer. It's because the US cares so little that it could launch the recent FIFA corruption investigations, since FIFA has no sway here.
posted by Sangermaine at 7:41 AM on December 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
This is pretty hilarious given how little the US cares about soccer. It's because the US cares so little that it could launch the recent FIFA corruption investigations, since FIFA has no sway here.
posted by Sangermaine at 7:41 AM on December 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
"If we had awarded the World Cup in 2022 to the USA, we would not be here."
If there had not been such a visible demonstration of corruption as there was, then yes, there might not have been a thorough investigation into the corruption.
posted by cardboard at 7:43 AM on December 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
If there had not been such a visible demonstration of corruption as there was, then yes, there might not have been a thorough investigation into the corruption.
posted by cardboard at 7:43 AM on December 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
@Sangermaine Exactly. The US is perfectly positioned for this and every real football fan in the world is very much in the 'Go USA!' camp on this.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 7:46 AM on December 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by GallonOfAlan at 7:46 AM on December 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
If only the US had chosen to invade FIFA rather than Iraq back in the day, this country might have a somewhat stronger international profile....
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:54 AM on December 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:54 AM on December 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
I'm very pleased he's gone. I'm not really a football fan at all, but the shear shamelessness of the corruption is just offensive. It's people behaving like that that means we can't have nice things.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 7:56 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 7:56 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Upon further reflection, I can see how the large envelope marked 'Bribe Money' was a mistake. I should have placed the accent over the name Bribé. Bribé Money has been an invaluable servant to World Football and I was merely trying to pay her money in return for favors that...oh... wait."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:11 AM on December 21, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:11 AM on December 21, 2015 [14 favorites]
On women's football:
"Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball. They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men – such as playing with a lighter ball. That decision was taken to create a more female aesthetic, so why not do it in fashion?"
On Man Utd not wanting Cristiano Ronaldo to walk out midway through his incredibly lucrative contract:
"I think in football there's too much modern slavery in transferring players or buying players here and there, and putting them somewhere."
On gay fans wishing to attend the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, where homosexuality is illegal:
"I would say they should refrain from any sexual activities."
On the (married with kids) England captain being caught having an affair with his team-mate's girlfriend:
"Listen, this is a special approach in the Anglo-Saxon countries. If this had happened in let's say Latin countries, then I think he would have been applauded."
On diving:
"You do a little bit more than you should have done. Is this so terrible? I don't think so. At least it's not so terrible that we should intervene after a match."
On racism:
"There is no racism, there is maybe one of the players towards the other, he has a word or a gesture which is not the correct one, but also the one who is affected by that, he should say it's a game, we are in a game. At the end of the game, we shake hands."
On awarding the 2018 World Cup to Russia:
“In my opinion the World Cup in Russia will be able to stabilize all the situation in this region of Europe that is suffering now ... I am sure that football is stronger than any other movement.”
On newly elected female delegates:
"We now have three ladies on the board. Say something, ladies. You are always speaking at home, say something now."
On the committee that just banned him:
"I am not ashamed. Even if I am suspended, I am still President. The committee cannot go against the President."
Go fuck yourself, Sepp.
posted by kersplunk at 8:47 AM on December 21, 2015 [44 favorites]
"Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball. They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men – such as playing with a lighter ball. That decision was taken to create a more female aesthetic, so why not do it in fashion?"
On Man Utd not wanting Cristiano Ronaldo to walk out midway through his incredibly lucrative contract:
"I think in football there's too much modern slavery in transferring players or buying players here and there, and putting them somewhere."
On gay fans wishing to attend the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, where homosexuality is illegal:
"I would say they should refrain from any sexual activities."
On the (married with kids) England captain being caught having an affair with his team-mate's girlfriend:
"Listen, this is a special approach in the Anglo-Saxon countries. If this had happened in let's say Latin countries, then I think he would have been applauded."
On diving:
"You do a little bit more than you should have done. Is this so terrible? I don't think so. At least it's not so terrible that we should intervene after a match."
On racism:
"There is no racism, there is maybe one of the players towards the other, he has a word or a gesture which is not the correct one, but also the one who is affected by that, he should say it's a game, we are in a game. At the end of the game, we shake hands."
On awarding the 2018 World Cup to Russia:
“In my opinion the World Cup in Russia will be able to stabilize all the situation in this region of Europe that is suffering now ... I am sure that football is stronger than any other movement.”
On newly elected female delegates:
"We now have three ladies on the board. Say something, ladies. You are always speaking at home, say something now."
On the committee that just banned him:
"I am not ashamed. Even if I am suspended, I am still President. The committee cannot go against the President."
Go fuck yourself, Sepp.
posted by kersplunk at 8:47 AM on December 21, 2015 [44 favorites]
Blatter blames corruption for his troubles, but someone else's, saying "If we had awarded the World Cup in 2022 to the USA, we would not be here."
Thing is, he might actually be right. In 1994, the biggest complaint about the World Cup (other than the dull final) was the oppressive heat in Dallas, Orlando, and Detroit (no, they didn't have the AC on in the Silverdome). So they then award the World Cup to a place where the average June temperature is even higher? Very, very suspect. Especially with the hand-waving promises of some mythical unobtainium cooling system that Qatar didn't just have the money for... it didn't even exist. So now the Cup has been moved to the late fall, forcing an interruption in the European league schedule and putting the games in direct conflict with the final weeks of the NFL season. Did I mention Fox has the TV rights in the US? Yeah.
All that pales in comparison to the treatment of workers in Qatar, of course, and those hundreds, perhaps thousands of dead workers turned a simple under-the-table deal into an egregious marker of possible corruption. FIFA was just unlucky that they'd roped Americans into the mess via CONCACAF, and that Americans' feelings towards soccer are nothing compared to their vehement sense of "fairness."*
So, I think Blatter is right. He and his cronies got caught because they got in bed with the wrong group. But it's not the Americans are sore losers. It's that they made a huge mistake choosing an obviously defective bid in the named of their own greed.
* - Yes, I know that American "fairness" is self-centered and doesn't matter to non-Americans. Still, Americans have a very idealistic view of corruption, and they will do anything to stamp it out.
posted by dw at 8:55 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Thing is, he might actually be right. In 1994, the biggest complaint about the World Cup (other than the dull final) was the oppressive heat in Dallas, Orlando, and Detroit (no, they didn't have the AC on in the Silverdome). So they then award the World Cup to a place where the average June temperature is even higher? Very, very suspect. Especially with the hand-waving promises of some mythical unobtainium cooling system that Qatar didn't just have the money for... it didn't even exist. So now the Cup has been moved to the late fall, forcing an interruption in the European league schedule and putting the games in direct conflict with the final weeks of the NFL season. Did I mention Fox has the TV rights in the US? Yeah.
All that pales in comparison to the treatment of workers in Qatar, of course, and those hundreds, perhaps thousands of dead workers turned a simple under-the-table deal into an egregious marker of possible corruption. FIFA was just unlucky that they'd roped Americans into the mess via CONCACAF, and that Americans' feelings towards soccer are nothing compared to their vehement sense of "fairness."*
So, I think Blatter is right. He and his cronies got caught because they got in bed with the wrong group. But it's not the Americans are sore losers. It's that they made a huge mistake choosing an obviously defective bid in the named of their own greed.
* - Yes, I know that American "fairness" is self-centered and doesn't matter to non-Americans. Still, Americans have a very idealistic view of corruption, and they will do anything to stamp it out.
posted by dw at 8:55 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
By FIFA's own published selection criteria Qatar's bid scored last in every category. It's clear that corruption was involved in the successful German, South African, Brazilian and Russian World Cup bids, but Qatar's selection was so comically, ridiculously ludicrous it was the equivalent of a cartoon swag bag with dollar signs on it.
posted by kersplunk at 9:10 AM on December 21, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by kersplunk at 9:10 AM on December 21, 2015 [12 favorites]
I always picture Blatter as the "diplomatic immunity!" Lethal Weapon bad guy. Really there needs to be a movie franchise built about this comically awful villain.
posted by benzenedream at 9:12 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by benzenedream at 9:12 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Really there needs to be a movie franchise built about this comically awful villain.
Oh, but there is.
posted by murphy slaw at 9:24 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh, but there is.
posted by murphy slaw at 9:24 AM on December 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Well...he's not entirely wrong about the diving.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:36 AM on December 21, 2015
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:36 AM on December 21, 2015
Well...he's not entirely wrong about the diving.
Diving is the microaggression of soccer. One time? Sure, what the hell, we see it in other sports (calling for flags on every incomplete pass). But it's one of the defining characteristics of modern soccer, and it sucks, and the governing organizations should do something about it.
posted by Etrigan at 9:51 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Diving is the microaggression of soccer. One time? Sure, what the hell, we see it in other sports (calling for flags on every incomplete pass). But it's one of the defining characteristics of modern soccer, and it sucks, and the governing organizations should do something about it.
posted by Etrigan at 9:51 AM on December 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm much happier Platini is gone. Blatter is a corrupt fuck, but it's not like they made a big secret of it. Platini has been slowly fucking up European football (FFP is utterly broken, and instead of having to present balanced books, clubs should be forced to have a balanced transfer balance over 5 years instead of stockpiling talent) in favor of the rich clubs, and is no less corrupt.
posted by lmfsilva at 10:10 AM on December 21, 2015
posted by lmfsilva at 10:10 AM on December 21, 2015
Qatar's selection was so comically, ridiculously ludicrous it was the equivalent of a cartoon swag bag with dollar signs on it.
The Qatar thing shows that Blatter and company aren't just corrupt, they're also idiots. He could have kept bilking the world's soccer confederations for the rest of his disgusting life if he'd just taken the Qatari money and then somehow mysteriously gotten foiled at the last minute so the World Cup went to the US or wherever. Instead, he actually did let the Qataris win and immediately everyone who's ever been angry at FIFA had a specific and incontrovertible thing to focus their anger and investigatory skills on. Everybody has known forever that organized soccer is hilariously corrupt, but the anti-FIFA sentiment was, as far as I can tell, more low-level disgruntledness than boiling anger before Qatar, and as a corrupt official, diffuse anger at the general idea of your corruption (even if supplemented with specific details) is totally fine and boiling anger is what gets you kicked out and probably eventually arrested.
posted by Copronymus at 10:49 AM on December 21, 2015
The Qatar thing shows that Blatter and company aren't just corrupt, they're also idiots. He could have kept bilking the world's soccer confederations for the rest of his disgusting life if he'd just taken the Qatari money and then somehow mysteriously gotten foiled at the last minute so the World Cup went to the US or wherever. Instead, he actually did let the Qataris win and immediately everyone who's ever been angry at FIFA had a specific and incontrovertible thing to focus their anger and investigatory skills on. Everybody has known forever that organized soccer is hilariously corrupt, but the anti-FIFA sentiment was, as far as I can tell, more low-level disgruntledness than boiling anger before Qatar, and as a corrupt official, diffuse anger at the general idea of your corruption (even if supplemented with specific details) is totally fine and boiling anger is what gets you kicked out and probably eventually arrested.
posted by Copronymus at 10:49 AM on December 21, 2015
On awarding the 2018 World Cup to Russia:
Are Turkey or Ukraine likely to qualify? That would be ... interesting.
posted by Jahaza at 10:49 AM on December 21, 2015
Are Turkey or Ukraine likely to qualify? That would be ... interesting.
posted by Jahaza at 10:49 AM on December 21, 2015
Both qualified for the group stages of Euro 2016 - the odds aren't bad.
posted by rosswald at 10:52 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by rosswald at 10:52 AM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
One day there will be a reliable test for psychopaths/sociopaths and society will agree to prohibit them from things like politics, police and positions of any importance. Today unfortunately is not that day so we will have to content ourselves with catching them and shaming them (as if they could care) after they have made their fortunes.
posted by AGameOfMoans at 10:58 AM on December 21, 2015
posted by AGameOfMoans at 10:58 AM on December 21, 2015
Punching bag, right? What's a punching ball?
It's the large wad of cash that a president gets back when he proffers an empty bag.
posted by anothermug at 11:30 AM on December 21, 2015
It's the large wad of cash that a president gets back when he proffers an empty bag.
posted by anothermug at 11:30 AM on December 21, 2015
If he's trying to punch the ball instead of kicking he couldn't be more unqualified.
posted by solarion at 12:44 PM on December 21, 2015
posted by solarion at 12:44 PM on December 21, 2015
Well...he's not entirely wrong about the diving.
It gets hard to take things seriously when every few minutes someone flops on the ground and rolls around like they've taken a sledgehammer to the knee, but magically spring back up again and run off at full speed when they don't get noticed.
posted by Sangermaine at 1:08 PM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
It gets hard to take things seriously when every few minutes someone flops on the ground and rolls around like they've taken a sledgehammer to the knee, but magically spring back up again and run off at full speed when they don't get noticed.
posted by Sangermaine at 1:08 PM on December 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
"If we had awarded the World Cup in 2022 to the USA, we would not be here."
If we had bribed the USA we would not be in trouble for taking bribes.
posted by GrapeApiary at 6:36 AM on December 22, 2015
If we had bribed the USA we would not be in trouble for taking bribes.
posted by GrapeApiary at 6:36 AM on December 22, 2015
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*ahem*
posted by Fizz at 6:46 AM on December 21, 2015 [6 favorites]