Life is too damn short for phone calls
February 14, 2016 12:58 PM Subscribe
Perhaps we should feel sorry for kids these days... their moms text.
posted by emmet at 1:07 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by emmet at 1:07 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
I have mixed feelings on this. On the one hand if you just want to communicate something with someone, or a simple back and forth, text or email is better.
On the other hand, if you actually want to catch up with someone, the phone (or videoconferencing) is the best. I prefer the phone because I can straighten up the house and get some things done while I'm chatting.
I prefer not talking on the phone at all, or having 1+ hour conversations (which is fairly rarely, but when talking with old friends, nothing beats a long conversation).
posted by el io at 1:08 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, if you actually want to catch up with someone, the phone (or videoconferencing) is the best. I prefer the phone because I can straighten up the house and get some things done while I'm chatting.
I prefer not talking on the phone at all, or having 1+ hour conversations (which is fairly rarely, but when talking with old friends, nothing beats a long conversation).
posted by el io at 1:08 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
No. Example two is reasonable enough, but the real advantage there is the picture, which works just as well when the conversation is vocal. (Yes, Virginia, you can text/MMS and talk at the same time! You can even browse the Internets while making a phone call!)
The first example is stupid, because they are completely different conversations. I make voice calls that are essentially the example text conversation all the time. Chatty people are just as chatty over text, but it's far more annoying. With the phone call, it takes up a block of time and then is over with. When texting, the shit keeps dribbling in every minute or two for half a damn hour.
That's not to say that I don't use the hell out of some text messaging, but I generally don't have long conversations that way unless it's one of those all day things where the time to a response is measured in tens of minutes or even hours. It's great for asynchronous communication, but that's about it.
It's not that I have some irrational hatred of written communication, either. I spent years of my life on IRC. And I don't even really like phone calls. They are just better suited for anything beyond a quick check-in or notification.
posted by wierdo at 1:10 PM on February 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
The first example is stupid, because they are completely different conversations. I make voice calls that are essentially the example text conversation all the time. Chatty people are just as chatty over text, but it's far more annoying. With the phone call, it takes up a block of time and then is over with. When texting, the shit keeps dribbling in every minute or two for half a damn hour.
That's not to say that I don't use the hell out of some text messaging, but I generally don't have long conversations that way unless it's one of those all day things where the time to a response is measured in tens of minutes or even hours. It's great for asynchronous communication, but that's about it.
It's not that I have some irrational hatred of written communication, either. I spent years of my life on IRC. And I don't even really like phone calls. They are just better suited for anything beyond a quick check-in or notification.
posted by wierdo at 1:10 PM on February 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
Mom Text:
Love you!...........(three days later)
Love you too!
posted by Oyéah at 1:13 PM on February 14, 2016 [7 favorites]
Love you!...........(three days later)
Love you too!
posted by Oyéah at 1:13 PM on February 14, 2016 [7 favorites]
I'm frequently on the phone all day for work - and I mean literally all day conference calls with the same people - and it's actually better for real time problem solving than email or web chat. People can talk faster than they can type, and with screen sharing, you can figure out the problem instantly. No one outside of my job believes me but really, we've tried the alternatives. We also have lots of people for whom English is not their first language, and it's crucial to know whether they understood you in real time, rather than having an endless email chain addressing misunderstandings.
But personal calls? Those are exclusively to my parents. Otherwise I just text "want to go to [event] tonight?" and talk to my friends in person.
posted by desjardins at 1:14 PM on February 14, 2016 [11 favorites]
But personal calls? Those are exclusively to my parents. Otherwise I just text "want to go to [event] tonight?" and talk to my friends in person.
posted by desjardins at 1:14 PM on February 14, 2016 [11 favorites]
I don't mind phone calls so much but please don't leave me fucking voice mail if I don't answer.
posted by octothorpe at 1:26 PM on February 14, 2016 [42 favorites]
posted by octothorpe at 1:26 PM on February 14, 2016 [42 favorites]
Some people aren't as chatty over text as on the phone. I wonder if the difference is between the ones who remember paying per text and ones who don't.
posted by Anne Neville at 1:32 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Anne Neville at 1:32 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Example three is, like, a prime example for the emotional labor thread.
Which is to say, fuck you, son who feels this is all frivolous garbage and how much better it wouldn't be if his mother didn't contact him at all.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:33 PM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]
Which is to say, fuck you, son who feels this is all frivolous garbage and how much better it wouldn't be if his mother didn't contact him at all.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:33 PM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]
I get this, and yeah, I'm an Old, but when you look at these examples through the lens of the emotional labor conversation, it just looks like "I don't want to have to deal with what people are going through or dealing with, I just want the information that pertains to me and out."
And I get that, it's exhausting, other people's lives and childcare needs and anecdotes take effort when they're not what you want to hear. But they're also how society functions well. I'm genuinely wondering if this piece is supposed to be humor or polemic.
posted by Mchelly at 1:34 PM on February 14, 2016 [15 favorites]
And I get that, it's exhausting, other people's lives and childcare needs and anecdotes take effort when they're not what you want to hear. But they're also how society functions well. I'm genuinely wondering if this piece is supposed to be humor or polemic.
posted by Mchelly at 1:34 PM on February 14, 2016 [15 favorites]
And, of course, there are texting and driving laws for when you need to escape a real chatterbox.
posted by Anne Neville at 1:35 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by Anne Neville at 1:35 PM on February 14, 2016
As someone who has anxiety, texting has been a godsend. I will text anyone and everyone over actually calling them (with the exception of catching up and/or birthday; those deserve a phone call, but it is a phone call that must be decided via text. I refuse to call anyone out of the blue).
My parents get phone calls. That's about it. Everyone else gets texting.
posted by Kitteh at 1:37 PM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]
My parents get phone calls. That's about it. Everyone else gets texting.
posted by Kitteh at 1:37 PM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]
If it's someone you like talking to, and it's not just to arrange a simple thing talking is way nicer and easier. Plus, you can multitask by talking at the same time as walking home, cooking dinner or taking a shit.
posted by Ned G at 1:37 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Ned G at 1:37 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
And again, this is a dinosaur talking, but answering machines / voicemail were one of the greatest inventions of the last century -- it was so powerful it eliminated a whole class of the workforce, and changed the game when it came to making plans and not missing connections. And now people are eliminating it because it's annoying to have to hear people talk. I know it's progress because texting is more efficient than voicemail when it comes to leaving information, but I'll be sad when it's gone.
posted by Mchelly at 1:41 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 1:41 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
Imagine if texting had been invented first, and then one day someone invented the ability to talk on the phone to someone.
"Holy shit -- you are not going to believe this new technology. People can actually talk over this device in real time and hear each other's voices!"
"What? Are you serious? Forget about how nice it will be to actually hear the person you are talking to -- do you realize how much time this is going to save?"
"No kidding! Instead of texting back and forth to decide what movie we are going to go see and when for like twenty minutes, we'll just be able to talk directly to one another and figure something like that out in thirty seconds!"
"This will be amazing! No one will ever text again!"
posted by flarbuse at 1:42 PM on February 14, 2016 [58 favorites]
"Holy shit -- you are not going to believe this new technology. People can actually talk over this device in real time and hear each other's voices!"
"What? Are you serious? Forget about how nice it will be to actually hear the person you are talking to -- do you realize how much time this is going to save?"
"No kidding! Instead of texting back and forth to decide what movie we are going to go see and when for like twenty minutes, we'll just be able to talk directly to one another and figure something like that out in thirty seconds!"
"This will be amazing! No one will ever text again!"
posted by flarbuse at 1:42 PM on February 14, 2016 [58 favorites]
Yes, Virginia, you can text/MMS and talk at the same time! You can even browse the Internets while making a phone call!
Using an earpiece of course, because if you're one of those jackholes that has a speakerphone conversation in the middle of the grocery store, well, that's an entirely different thinkpiece.
posted by madajb at 1:45 PM on February 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
Using an earpiece of course, because if you're one of those jackholes that has a speakerphone conversation in the middle of the grocery store, well, that's an entirely different thinkpiece.
posted by madajb at 1:45 PM on February 14, 2016 [5 favorites]
In a way, texting was first: telegrams Stop
The phone is for chatting or clarifying or such. Texting is for quick "soundbites" and for avoiding talking to people in person or in lieu of emails. (I'm an old.)
posted by mightshould at 1:47 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
The phone is for chatting or clarifying or such. Texting is for quick "soundbites" and for avoiding talking to people in person or in lieu of emails. (I'm an old.)
posted by mightshould at 1:47 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
Texting is distant to me. Phone calls are a little warmer and you know, sooner or later you will never hear that voice again, but I'd shuck them both for in person conversation. I think the world is too cold and perfunctory sometimes where everyone rushes and reacts, and the art of and science of reflecting is completely lost...I want to see a smile, not the unreasonable facsimile of an emoji to do it...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 1:51 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 1:51 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
Text is great. Skype is the worst.
posted by colie at 1:52 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by colie at 1:52 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Every time this topic comes up, I'm baffled why people (especially journalists) feel the need to justify their own preferred communication methods. I use both depending on the situation, without grousing about either method or feeling psychic anguish over whether I'm Doing It Right. Doesn't everyone?
I'm also baffled why leaving a voicemail is such an awful thing.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:52 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm also baffled why leaving a voicemail is such an awful thing.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:52 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
Mchelly: "And again, this is a dinosaur talking, but answering machines / voicemail were one of the greatest inventions of the last century -- it was so powerful it eliminated a whole class of the workforce, and changed the game when it came to making plans and not missing connections. And now people are eliminating it because it's annoying to have to hear people talk. I know it's progress because texting is more efficient than voicemail when it comes to leaving information, but I'll be sad when it's gone."
Except that 9 times out of 10, the voice mail message is "Um, this is Bill, call me back when you can." And to get that amazing bit of information, I have to click on the voicemail link, wait for Verizon to answer, type in my pin number, usually wade through the old voice messages that I forget to delete since Verizon seems to want me to listen to them before the one that I haven't actually heard and then finally I get to hear a message that tells me what a text could have done in 5 seconds.
posted by octothorpe at 1:52 PM on February 14, 2016 [10 favorites]
Except that 9 times out of 10, the voice mail message is "Um, this is Bill, call me back when you can." And to get that amazing bit of information, I have to click on the voicemail link, wait for Verizon to answer, type in my pin number, usually wade through the old voice messages that I forget to delete since Verizon seems to want me to listen to them before the one that I haven't actually heard and then finally I get to hear a message that tells me what a text could have done in 5 seconds.
posted by octothorpe at 1:52 PM on February 14, 2016 [10 favorites]
Skype is the worst.
I'm baffled by that as well. Why?
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:53 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm baffled by that as well. Why?
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:53 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Because if I don't engage in a communication method you picked in the way that is appropriate I look like an asshole. I hate talking into a piece of plastic next to my face but I have to choose between that or making my friend sad because I didn't pick up.
posted by idiopath at 1:54 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by idiopath at 1:54 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I want to see a smile, not the unreasonable facsimile of an emoji to do it...
But you can't see a smile over the phone, so I don't see your point. (Unless you use Facetime or Skype, which almost no one does on a regular basis.)
posted by desjardins at 1:56 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
But you can't see a smile over the phone, so I don't see your point. (Unless you use Facetime or Skype, which almost no one does on a regular basis.)
posted by desjardins at 1:56 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
For me, the warmth and intimacy of texting is superior to the autotuned, compressed, one-at-a-time simplex, broken up, noise filled, battery dying, distracted , and resentment filled joy of a begrudging phone call from some "time is money" punk.
And octothorp, sorry you need to listen to me at all, but the "fucking voicemail" is because you never ever answer the phone at all.
The carriers have made the phone call - which replaced the more efficient telegram - so difficult and painful (especially retrieving VM on the cell) that I really don't blame anyone anymore.
Nobody called their mom in the old days either.
So, back to the telegram STOP
posted by Alter Cocker at 1:57 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
And octothorp, sorry you need to listen to me at all, but the "fucking voicemail" is because you never ever answer the phone at all.
The carriers have made the phone call - which replaced the more efficient telegram - so difficult and painful (especially retrieving VM on the cell) that I really don't blame anyone anymore.
Nobody called their mom in the old days either.
So, back to the telegram STOP
posted by Alter Cocker at 1:57 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I deal with a major corporation on a regular basis, and it has become clear that they have a somewhat strange policy in place in regards to communication. There is a whole section of their personnel who will
1. Never reply to an email, but call you back
but
2. Never leave a message
So they have to wait until they can actually reach you.
This interfaces in an amusing way with my personal policy of
1. Mute my desk phone
and
2. Never answer it
Since these people almost always want something from me, I find my mental health greatly enhanced by this praxis.
posted by selfnoise at 1:57 PM on February 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
1. Never reply to an email, but call you back
but
2. Never leave a message
So they have to wait until they can actually reach you.
This interfaces in an amusing way with my personal policy of
1. Mute my desk phone
and
2. Never answer it
Since these people almost always want something from me, I find my mental health greatly enhanced by this praxis.
posted by selfnoise at 1:57 PM on February 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
But you can't see a smile over the phone
The hell you can't.
posted by Alter Cocker at 1:59 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
The hell you can't.
posted by Alter Cocker at 1:59 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I hate voicemail on my cellphone because I pay by the minute, it takes too damn long to check, and text is always better on a cell. I can tell what you want immediately.
At home though, on our dinosaur landline we have a good old fashioned answering machine. I only replaned my old tape-deck machine with a digital version last year when it finally gave up the ghost. I love my answering machine. It keeps the people I know away from me.
posted by fimbulvetr at 2:01 PM on February 14, 2016
At home though, on our dinosaur landline we have a good old fashioned answering machine. I only replaned my old tape-deck machine with a digital version last year when it finally gave up the ghost. I love my answering machine. It keeps the people I know away from me.
posted by fimbulvetr at 2:01 PM on February 14, 2016
The phone icon on my phone is in a folder, and not on the homepage.
posted by blue_beetle at 2:01 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by blue_beetle at 2:01 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. The only time we've ever spoken on the phone was just a few weeks ago after I had surgery and I was in post-op and he was waiting for me in a little recovery room elsewhere and the nurses on our respective ends handed us phones. I travel for work a couple times a year and we've thought about facetime or phone calls but we just text back and forth and throw in some I Miss You selfies or pictures of the fancy hotel or the pets back home being cute or whatever. (I don't think this is an age thing either, since I turn 40 this year.)
That said, if you do call me and don't leave a voicemail, my assumption is it wasn't important and you don't need me to call you back. For me, checking a voicemail on my phone is as simple as clicking on it and it plays.
posted by misskaz at 2:03 PM on February 14, 2016
That said, if you do call me and don't leave a voicemail, my assumption is it wasn't important and you don't need me to call you back. For me, checking a voicemail on my phone is as simple as clicking on it and it plays.
posted by misskaz at 2:03 PM on February 14, 2016
For some reason my sister, by far the busiest person I know, will not simply text me. She texts me and then waits for me to respond and then phones me. Or she'll text me to say that she's phoning me at whatever time and to let her know if I'm free. Apparently I'm the only one who gets this privilege, everyone else she texts and that's it.
And I totally get it, she wants that emotional connection because it's something really important (boyfriend issues, research issues, parental issues, issues) but the only time we have a conversation where we text back and forth is when we're in the same city.
If it's a company I never, EVER, EVER want to talk to them on the phone. So many places now allow you to schedule things online too, I just did it with my plumber and my optician does it as well. Just send me a nice little corporate email and I'll read it and respond to it if it warrants it. Or send me a piece of physical mail. I don't have voicemail, I'm not the kind of person who would ever check it, just delete it whenever it got full.
posted by Neronomius at 2:03 PM on February 14, 2016
And I totally get it, she wants that emotional connection because it's something really important (boyfriend issues, research issues, parental issues, issues) but the only time we have a conversation where we text back and forth is when we're in the same city.
If it's a company I never, EVER, EVER want to talk to them on the phone. So many places now allow you to schedule things online too, I just did it with my plumber and my optician does it as well. Just send me a nice little corporate email and I'll read it and respond to it if it warrants it. Or send me a piece of physical mail. I don't have voicemail, I'm not the kind of person who would ever check it, just delete it whenever it got full.
posted by Neronomius at 2:03 PM on February 14, 2016
Which is to say, fuck you, son who feels this is all frivolous garbage and how much better it wouldn't be if his mother didn't contact him at all.
Orrrr... if his mom is anything like mine, when he tries to talk she just interrupts him with another tidbit about unrelated stuff. There is literally one question about his life. I have learned not to even bother telling my mother anything.
posted by desjardins at 2:04 PM on February 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
Orrrr... if his mom is anything like mine, when he tries to talk she just interrupts him with another tidbit about unrelated stuff. There is literally one question about his life. I have learned not to even bother telling my mother anything.
posted by desjardins at 2:04 PM on February 14, 2016 [6 favorites]
My girlfriend and I have been together for five years, and have been co-habitating for the last two. In all that time, I think we've had fewer than five phone calls with one another.
This may be a substantial factor in our upcoming nuptials.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 2:10 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
This may be a substantial factor in our upcoming nuptials.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 2:10 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Does this asshole realise how much time he is wasting by having friends? Just drink alone at home! No organisational overhead at all and no time spent on chatting ever!
posted by the agents of KAOS at 2:11 PM on February 14, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by the agents of KAOS at 2:11 PM on February 14, 2016 [12 favorites]
I'm an old guy and have always liked email because it's like writing letters which stopped becoming a habit not because of the Internet, but because long-distance rates dropped tremendously (around 1980?). So texting is fun, too, because writing is fun.
But sometimes it's comical how far out of their way people go to use texts when a phone call can resolve an issue much more quickly. It's not hard to place a phone call (!), plus you get to hear your friend's/daughter's/SO's voice which is fun, especially when someone makes a joke and someone laughs. Ain't no emoji ever gonna warm my heart like a laugh does.
posted by kozad at 2:12 PM on February 14, 2016 [11 favorites]
But sometimes it's comical how far out of their way people go to use texts when a phone call can resolve an issue much more quickly. It's not hard to place a phone call (!), plus you get to hear your friend's/daughter's/SO's voice which is fun, especially when someone makes a joke and someone laughs. Ain't no emoji ever gonna warm my heart like a laugh does.
posted by kozad at 2:12 PM on February 14, 2016 [11 favorites]
Yeah, I guess it really helps if you've got unlimited texting/generous data plan. If you don't, well. I guess you just embrace pissing off your friends with those tedious phone calls and emails.
And scenarios 2 and 3 were pretty obnoxious, imo. In the first case, spouse or not, if you're going to be that damned picky over beer when someone is nice enough to get you some, then pick it up yourself next time. In the second case, wow. It's your actual mom. The point there is not densely packed, hyper efficient communication, it's establishing/reinforcing family bonds.
Huh. Apparently I had some ~opinions about this piece.
posted by skye.dancer at 2:13 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
And scenarios 2 and 3 were pretty obnoxious, imo. In the first case, spouse or not, if you're going to be that damned picky over beer when someone is nice enough to get you some, then pick it up yourself next time. In the second case, wow. It's your actual mom. The point there is not densely packed, hyper efficient communication, it's establishing/reinforcing family bonds.
Huh. Apparently I had some ~opinions about this piece.
posted by skye.dancer at 2:13 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
The one thing that I really like about my current job is that it's the first place that I've worked that didn't bother to give me a desk phone that I'm never going to actually use.
posted by octothorpe at 2:15 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by octothorpe at 2:15 PM on February 14, 2016
oheso.SO and I exchanged e-mails/texts for ages before we started dating. When we hit it off we continued using texts. Perhaps it's because we both work and we don't have to worry about our coworkers overhearing our personal conversation. Then we were apart for nearly a year, and we just texted. We've been back together for two years now, and I think over that entire span we've spoken on the phone once. And it felt weird.
posted by oheso at 2:16 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by oheso at 2:16 PM on February 14, 2016
Yeah, voicemail takes long enough to check that I'd prefer that people not use it to communicate anything that could easily be explained in a one or two sentence text message. Especially if it's just "call me back." Also I'm really lax about checking voicemail, so if something is urgent, voicemail is probably the worst way to communicate that to me. Longer more involved things where people just want me to have the information they need when I call back are OK.
posted by Gymnopedist at 2:17 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Gymnopedist at 2:17 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
For business I prefer e-mail because (a) I can make sure I've expressed my intentions clearly without having someone interrupt me, and (b) I have a record.
People call me all the time without leaving a message or following up with an e-mail. That lets me choose whether I want to call them back. On the other hand, their thought process escapes me ... At least I have only a couple who say nothing more than "Call me back". Most who leave a message give me some inkling what the call was about.
posted by oheso at 2:19 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
People call me all the time without leaving a message or following up with an e-mail. That lets me choose whether I want to call them back. On the other hand, their thought process escapes me ... At least I have only a couple who say nothing more than "Call me back". Most who leave a message give me some inkling what the call was about.
posted by oheso at 2:19 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Plus, you can multitask by talking at the same time as walking home, cooking dinner or taking a shit.
No, no, please don't call me while you're on the toilet.
posted by Soliloquy at 2:21 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
No, no, please don't call me while you're on the toilet.
posted by Soliloquy at 2:21 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
Can I at least snapchat?
posted by Ned G at 2:30 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Ned G at 2:30 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
Texting is way better for getting stuff done. Not so good at figuring out how somebody's doing. But generally, it's a toolbox; you need to be able to escalate from one to the other.
If it takes more than a text, send an email. If it takes more than three emails, make a phone call. If it takes more than a phone call, Skype.
posted by mhoye at 2:31 PM on February 14, 2016
If it takes more than a text, send an email. If it takes more than three emails, make a phone call. If it takes more than a phone call, Skype.
posted by mhoye at 2:31 PM on February 14, 2016
It's your actual mom. The point there is not densely packed, hyper efficient communication, it's establishing/reinforcing family bonds.
Mothers vary, and family bonds aren't always a positive thing.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:36 PM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]
Mothers vary, and family bonds aren't always a positive thing.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:36 PM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]
I don't understand... For figuring out logistics of a certain level of complexity, you could send like 20 texts or have a 2 minute phone conversation, which is much preferable to me. Plus, there's the thing about screen time, which most of us have plenty of already.
posted by overglow at 2:38 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by overglow at 2:38 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't get people getting offended when they ring me on skype and I answer with audio. If it's business I'd rather concentrate on what you're saying. And I almost always do not want to have to show my face (or worry about what sort of laundry might be hanging behind me).
posted by oheso at 2:41 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by oheso at 2:41 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
Texting is asynchronous If you need sync, you gotta call.
posted by grumpybear69 at 2:44 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by grumpybear69 at 2:44 PM on February 14, 2016
Clearly the solution to voicemail vs texting is to split the difference and send an audio clip of what you wanted to say by MMS.
posted by radwolf76 at 2:45 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by radwolf76 at 2:45 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
The advantage of texting is it's asynchronous. When I call you, I'm literally ringing a bell incessantly and demanding you drop everything and speak to me immediately.
Clearly the solution to voicemail vs texting is to split the difference and send an audio clip of what you wanted to say by MMS.
iPhones will basically let you do this right now, optionally with a transcript of your voice message. It actually works surprisingly well, again because it's asynchronous. The issue is not really voice vs text at all IMO.
posted by vogon_poet at 2:54 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Clearly the solution to voicemail vs texting is to split the difference and send an audio clip of what you wanted to say by MMS.
iPhones will basically let you do this right now, optionally with a transcript of your voice message. It actually works surprisingly well, again because it's asynchronous. The issue is not really voice vs text at all IMO.
posted by vogon_poet at 2:54 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Mothers vary, and family bonds aren't always a positive thing.
Well, yeah. Of course. But in that case, why answer the phone in the first place? Esp. since for the author, his mom not texting is a feature, not a bug.
posted by skye.dancer at 2:57 PM on February 14, 2016
Well, yeah. Of course. But in that case, why answer the phone in the first place? Esp. since for the author, his mom not texting is a feature, not a bug.
posted by skye.dancer at 2:57 PM on February 14, 2016
because your mom will call you incessantly because she assumes you're dead
posted by desjardins at 3:00 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 3:00 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
I regularly hear people complain about how annoying it is when people leave them voice mail. When I tell them, "Well, I just don't have voice mail, because I too think it's annoying," they look at me like I've grown another head.
posted by WaylandSmith at 3:13 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by WaylandSmith at 3:13 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Last night my housemate was playing a video game, and so I couldn't hear my phone buzz, because I normally leave it on silent. When I thought to check it I had like 4 missed calls from my parents and a text from my mom telling me to call her.
I immediately assumed something terrible had happened.
Nope: my dad is planning a trip to Disney World, would I like to come? Also, why haven't I set up my voice mail yet? Is something wrong with your phone? We've been calling you all day!
posted by nonasuch at 3:18 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
I immediately assumed something terrible had happened.
Nope: my dad is planning a trip to Disney World, would I like to come? Also, why haven't I set up my voice mail yet? Is something wrong with your phone? We've been calling you all day!
posted by nonasuch at 3:18 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
I don't like calling people, because I worry I'm bothering them. Texting is ok, I guess.
posted by leahwrenn at 3:19 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by leahwrenn at 3:19 PM on February 14, 2016
I've been at my job for a year and have never set up my voicemail. If someone needs me badly enough they'll email me or call my cell.
posted by desjardins at 3:31 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 3:31 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm 26 and this is one area where I feel like I'm 100. I struggle with interpersonal communication in general, but I really hate texting. It is such a pain typing on some fiddly little device! You have to use your eyes, you have to use your hands, you have to use your attention. When I get a non-urgent text I always put off answering it until later, then I forget to answer it altogether, then my friendships crumble into dust, then I'm alone in the world and wonder why I was ever born. Because of texting.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 3:37 PM on February 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 3:37 PM on February 14, 2016 [9 favorites]
iPhones are so much better because they almost never manage to make or receive telephone calls. The number of times I've had my iPhone sitting on my desk while waiting for a call, and had the call go straight to voicemail! Bah. I suspect, but can't be sure, that the little SOB can send and receive texts reliably.
posted by monotreme at 3:47 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by monotreme at 3:47 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
The argument made in the article applies just about as well to texting vs. face-to-face communication.
I sort of imagine the author keeping a constant, nervous eye out for his friends, and ducking into alleyways and hiding behind potted plants and similar wackiness to avoid time-draining conversations with them.
posted by gurple at 4:22 PM on February 14, 2016
I sort of imagine the author keeping a constant, nervous eye out for his friends, and ducking into alleyways and hiding behind potted plants and similar wackiness to avoid time-draining conversations with them.
posted by gurple at 4:22 PM on February 14, 2016
I got a new phone and never bothered to set up the voicemail. This led to all those people who would normally leaving voicemails texting me to let me know my voicemail wasn't set up, but no mention of why they called in the first place.
posted by bradbane at 4:28 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by bradbane at 4:28 PM on February 14, 2016
Protip: change your voicemail message to "Hi you've reached ___, you can text me at this number or otherwise leave a messasge".
posted by bradbane at 4:29 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by bradbane at 4:29 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
Wait, why do people hate voicemail? I love voicemail. I listen to it to decide if I actually NEED to call back or not. I hate seeing a missed call and feeling guilty/weird because I don't want to call back but not knowing if I should or not. Don't make me call you to find out what you wanted.
posted by stoneandstar at 4:43 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 4:43 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
Also jesus. I mean, my mom doesn't text OR call me and it's whatever, but my dad definitely calls and talks and talks and talks. Sometimes I'm busy and I want to get off the phone, but like... he's my fricking dad. What's up with all these spoiled adult babies?
I have learned not to even bother telling my mother anything.
Me too, but I kind of sympathize with the fact that parents who lost their friends during childrearing feel kind of lonely and they don't quite understand my life/lifestyle/generation. Be nice guys.
posted by stoneandstar at 4:44 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I have learned not to even bother telling my mother anything.
Me too, but I kind of sympathize with the fact that parents who lost their friends during childrearing feel kind of lonely and they don't quite understand my life/lifestyle/generation. Be nice guys.
posted by stoneandstar at 4:44 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
If it's super important, I expect a phone call. Because I will answer if I'm able. I don't do voicemails, I'll just call you back so don't assume I listened to your voicemail. It's it's semi important, email. Because I will answer ASAP if I'm able, and will email you back at some point because I keep track of my inbox. If it's not at all important, text. I will answer you ASAP if I'm able.... but if I'm not... I may not even remember getting that text as it gets buried under all the others.
For me texting is very much "WYD? Brunch?" and that's about it.
I'd much rather people I care about know that I will answer the phone any time I'm able than worry about being rude when I say "I'm sorry I am busy" after I answer the phone and they start on a subject that can wait until later in the day.
posted by one4themoment at 4:47 PM on February 14, 2016
For me texting is very much "WYD? Brunch?" and that's about it.
I'd much rather people I care about know that I will answer the phone any time I'm able than worry about being rude when I say "I'm sorry I am busy" after I answer the phone and they start on a subject that can wait until later in the day.
posted by one4themoment at 4:47 PM on February 14, 2016
I very much dislike texting, for the same reason I never liked chat; when I'm communicating with someone, I like to write out what I want to say, take some time to read it over, do some editing, contemplate whether I'm using precisely the right adjective, etc. etc., and then hit send. By which time, someone on the other end of a text exchange is sending "HAVE YOU DIED????"
And one of the great annoyances of my life at work, as an academic advisor, is that I can't text students without using my personal cellphone (which I sure as hell am not going to do). If I need to reach a student, I e-mail (and then am told "Yeah, I don't read e-mail") or, if it's urgent, I phone, and often get an automated "This voicemail box has not yet been set up." And then at some point the student shows up screaming about how "nobody TOLD ME that I'd been put on probation/my first class meeting room changed/my financial aid is screwed up."
For me, the perfect occasion for using voicemail is at work when you know someone isn't in; you can leave a detailed message, with all the nuances of tone and intonation, and don't have to actually interact. The perfect occasion for e-mail is when you need several drafts to get your message tuned exactly as you want it, and/or when you want to keep a record of the communication. The perfect occasion for phone or Skype is when you want to talk with someone you love who's too far away for f2f. I'm sure there are perfect occasions for texts, but they don't tend to crop up much in my life.
posted by Kat Allison at 4:59 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
And one of the great annoyances of my life at work, as an academic advisor, is that I can't text students without using my personal cellphone (which I sure as hell am not going to do). If I need to reach a student, I e-mail (and then am told "Yeah, I don't read e-mail") or, if it's urgent, I phone, and often get an automated "This voicemail box has not yet been set up." And then at some point the student shows up screaming about how "nobody TOLD ME that I'd been put on probation/my first class meeting room changed/my financial aid is screwed up."
For me, the perfect occasion for using voicemail is at work when you know someone isn't in; you can leave a detailed message, with all the nuances of tone and intonation, and don't have to actually interact. The perfect occasion for e-mail is when you need several drafts to get your message tuned exactly as you want it, and/or when you want to keep a record of the communication. The perfect occasion for phone or Skype is when you want to talk with someone you love who's too far away for f2f. I'm sure there are perfect occasions for texts, but they don't tend to crop up much in my life.
posted by Kat Allison at 4:59 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
Peanut Butter----Chocolate----PEANUT BUTTER----CHOCOLATE---PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!!!!---!!!!!CHOCOLATE!!!!
As far as voicemail goes, I have found visual voice mail on my Iphone to be FANTASTIC.
two great tastes that taste great together
posted by Pembquist at 5:02 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
As far as voicemail goes, I have found visual voice mail on my Iphone to be FANTASTIC.
two great tastes that taste great together
posted by Pembquist at 5:02 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Longish NYBooks article We Are Hopelessly Hooked looks at four books that fret about what we are doing to ourselves with tech/the net/media. A taste:
I'll just append the observation that in the past couple years I've seen *a lot less* people walking down the street "talking to themselves".
posted by Twang at 5:09 PM on February 14, 2016
Three quarters of eighteen-to-twenty-four-year-olds say that they reach for their phones immediately upon waking up in the morning. Once out of bed, we check our phones 221 times a day—an average of every 4.3 minutes....Lots of us (used to?) watch TV 3 hours a day; add up the time you spend each month watching 5-minute commercials every 20 minutes. All of these things we gamble our time on have off-buttons ... something books *don't* have !!
In a 2015 Pew survey, 70 percent of respondents said their phones made them feel freer, while 30 percent said they felt like a leash. Nearly half of eighteen-to-twenty-nine-year-olds said they used their phones to “avoid others around you....
The thing young people never do on their smartphones is actually speak to one another....
According to Eyal, checking in delivers a hit of dopamine to the brain, along with the craving for another hit. The designers are applying basic slot machine psychology. The variability of the “reward”—what you get when you check in—is crucial to the enthrallment.
I'll just append the observation that in the past couple years I've seen *a lot less* people walking down the street "talking to themselves".
posted by Twang at 5:09 PM on February 14, 2016
Kat Allison - there are definitely ways to send a text message without using a cell phone, if you're interested in some options you could do an Ask Me about it.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 5:34 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by the agents of KAOS at 5:34 PM on February 14, 2016
60 comments in and no mention that until the big carriers started a push to get everyone switched over to all-you-can-eat plans within the last year, texting was crazy expensive? I hardly ever texted before that (except iMessage), and I still don't text my parents because I know they pay for each one.
posted by stopgap at 6:14 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by stopgap at 6:14 PM on February 14, 2016
I treat texting as asynchronous communication. If I want to communicate a message that doesn't require an urgent replay, I send a text. Conversely, my phone only makes a single barely audible "chirp" when I get a text to reinforce the point that I should only look at incoming messages when I'm free to do so.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 6:36 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by RonButNotStupid at 6:36 PM on February 14, 2016 [4 favorites]
stopgap: "60 comments in and no mention that until the big carriers started a push to get everyone switched over to all-you-can-eat plans within the last year, texting was crazy expensive? I hardly ever texted before that (except iMessage), and I still don't text my parents because I know they pay for each one."
When I say "text" I usually actually mean chat via Google Hangouts. I only have a few friends that I can only get in touch with using SMS.
posted by octothorpe at 7:01 PM on February 14, 2016
When I say "text" I usually actually mean chat via Google Hangouts. I only have a few friends that I can only get in touch with using SMS.
posted by octothorpe at 7:01 PM on February 14, 2016
You guys do realize you can set up your voicemail to text you a transcript of the message, right?
posted by corb at 7:30 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by corb at 7:30 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
SCENARIO 1: FRIEND
A. PHONE CALL - can't get together but chat for a bit, having a bit of friendship-maintaining social contact anyway
B. TEXT- "Cant."
posted by straight at 7:30 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
A. PHONE CALL - can't get together but chat for a bit, having a bit of friendship-maintaining social contact anyway
B. TEXT- "Cant."
posted by straight at 7:30 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
I love texting!!!!! I love it for short conversations, dense conversations, long conversations, random check-ins, everything!
I live thousands of miles and many borders away from most of the people I love. Regular phone calls are just not gonna happen thanks to time differences and expense and whatnot. Plus, even when we're in the same country, I feel like I'm being a bother when I call. Calling requires them to put down what they're doing and talk to ME and I'm not arrogant (or even assertive) enough to demand that of anyone who isn't being paid to speak to me. On top of THAT, I am really bad at telling when it's my turn to talk on the phone. I end up interrupting and getting interrupted and my anxiety just ramps up like crazy.
Texting, on the other hand...
No stress, because I can take my time to consider and edit.
No fear that I'm bothering someone, because they can just not respond right now if they're doing something important - asynchronous communication is great like that. I can just leave them a text and they can get back to me when it's convenient.
No interrupting/getting interrupted - I send a single message, they send a single message, there's no breaking up what I have to say.
No worries about costs and borders and time differences - we can chat together when we're both available, and leave each other messages otherwise, and it doesn't cost anything extra despite living a bazillion miles away.
And as for talking to my mom, well... she's hard of hearing. Texting has been great for our relationship!
Pish tosh to the idea that you can't "reinforce bonds" and have great conversations via text. Anyone who thinks that needs to brush up their typing skills.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 7:33 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
I live thousands of miles and many borders away from most of the people I love. Regular phone calls are just not gonna happen thanks to time differences and expense and whatnot. Plus, even when we're in the same country, I feel like I'm being a bother when I call. Calling requires them to put down what they're doing and talk to ME and I'm not arrogant (or even assertive) enough to demand that of anyone who isn't being paid to speak to me. On top of THAT, I am really bad at telling when it's my turn to talk on the phone. I end up interrupting and getting interrupted and my anxiety just ramps up like crazy.
Texting, on the other hand...
No stress, because I can take my time to consider and edit.
No fear that I'm bothering someone, because they can just not respond right now if they're doing something important - asynchronous communication is great like that. I can just leave them a text and they can get back to me when it's convenient.
No interrupting/getting interrupted - I send a single message, they send a single message, there's no breaking up what I have to say.
No worries about costs and borders and time differences - we can chat together when we're both available, and leave each other messages otherwise, and it doesn't cost anything extra despite living a bazillion miles away.
And as for talking to my mom, well... she's hard of hearing. Texting has been great for our relationship!
Pish tosh to the idea that you can't "reinforce bonds" and have great conversations via text. Anyone who thinks that needs to brush up their typing skills.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 7:33 PM on February 14, 2016 [3 favorites]
What I find interesting is the drive people have towards depersonalizing a conversation. I'm thinking of something called "videophones" (yes I am old). In the 50's, 60 and 70's the video call was all the rage even though it never existed. You saw it on science fiction movies, everyone talked about it and that video call scene in 2001 was an amazing conversation starter for everyone at the time. Everyone wanted to make a video call and have a video phone. Until the early 2000's when everyone essentially had one and we all decided we hated seeing the other person on the line just a bit less than them seeing us. No one wants a video phone. If you said that to someone in the 60's or 70's they would have made fun of you because everyone wanted a videophone - up until it became a reality.
Now we have texting which further depersonalizes communication and people in the Western world love it and I wonder why. We are supposed to be social beings but we do everything we can to be less social when communicating. Is it our Western culture? Or something else? I find it puzzling.
posted by AGameOfMoans at 7:54 PM on February 14, 2016
Now we have texting which further depersonalizes communication and people in the Western world love it and I wonder why. We are supposed to be social beings but we do everything we can to be less social when communicating. Is it our Western culture? Or something else? I find it puzzling.
posted by AGameOfMoans at 7:54 PM on February 14, 2016
60 comments in and no mention that until the big carriers started a push to get everyone switched over to all-you-can-eat plans within the last year, texting was crazy expensive?
I had unlimited text messaging in 1998. It was just something that was included in my rate plan, nothing special. Of course, very few people had phones that could send text messages at the time. (Even old digital StarTACs could receive them, though, and nobody was billing for them yet) I confused a lot of people back in the day with it. Around 2004 Cingular started charging for texts, but I had (what seemed like at the time) a huge bucket of 1500 messages included with my data plan, with international SMS from the same bucket.
I understood that most people were paying 5-10c a message, though, so stopped sending them much in the mid-2000s when the carriers started charging for incoming. I always thought that was really shady, charging for something completely out of your control. At least with a phone call you can choose not to answer and thus avoid being charged.
I was never one to carry on long conversations over text though. It was, and mostly still is, something I use when whatever I need to say can be communicated in 160 characters or less and doesn't need a reply soon, if at all. I get really annoyed by people who expect an immediate response to text messages. Not only is it possible I'm busy, but it's fairly common that messages are delayed by 5-10 minutes and longer delays are not at all unheard of. Sometimes, the network loses them entirely, though that has become fairly rare in the last few years.
posted by wierdo at 8:05 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
I had unlimited text messaging in 1998. It was just something that was included in my rate plan, nothing special. Of course, very few people had phones that could send text messages at the time. (Even old digital StarTACs could receive them, though, and nobody was billing for them yet) I confused a lot of people back in the day with it. Around 2004 Cingular started charging for texts, but I had (what seemed like at the time) a huge bucket of 1500 messages included with my data plan, with international SMS from the same bucket.
I understood that most people were paying 5-10c a message, though, so stopped sending them much in the mid-2000s when the carriers started charging for incoming. I always thought that was really shady, charging for something completely out of your control. At least with a phone call you can choose not to answer and thus avoid being charged.
I was never one to carry on long conversations over text though. It was, and mostly still is, something I use when whatever I need to say can be communicated in 160 characters or less and doesn't need a reply soon, if at all. I get really annoyed by people who expect an immediate response to text messages. Not only is it possible I'm busy, but it's fairly common that messages are delayed by 5-10 minutes and longer delays are not at all unheard of. Sometimes, the network loses them entirely, though that has become fairly rare in the last few years.
posted by wierdo at 8:05 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
corb: "You guys do realize you can set up your voicemail to text you a transcript of the message, right?"
For another $2.99 a month. Not really worth it for the number of voice mails I get.
posted by octothorpe at 8:06 PM on February 14, 2016
For another $2.99 a month. Not really worth it for the number of voice mails I get.
posted by octothorpe at 8:06 PM on February 14, 2016
My parents get phone calls. That's about it. Everyone else gets texting.
Yeah, you have to be a real asshole not to call your mom - and I'll call my S.O. when one of us is out of town - but otherwise fuck a phone call. Fortunately most people my age are on the same page. I've always really disliked talking the phone and I'm not even sure why - I'd be happy to talk in person.
posted by atoxyl at 8:15 PM on February 14, 2016
Yeah, you have to be a real asshole not to call your mom - and I'll call my S.O. when one of us is out of town - but otherwise fuck a phone call. Fortunately most people my age are on the same page. I've always really disliked talking the phone and I'm not even sure why - I'd be happy to talk in person.
posted by atoxyl at 8:15 PM on February 14, 2016
I was going to say that I hate the phone for any kind of transaction, but the fact is I recently called to schedule a doctor's appointment. The online form was request only and wouldn't actually confirm the time. It took barely more than a minute of back-and-forth to settle on something that worked for everyone. That was fine.
Email and texts work best for most things, but I think the equation shifts a little if the people to whom you're emotionally the closest aren't geographically nearby, so that having actual conversations in person isn't an option. I like rambly conversations and human voices.
But even then, except for my parents, I usually schedule voice calls via text.
About voicemail: I think stonestar's right. As annoying as it is, I'd still rather know whether I actually need to call back.
I think it's significant that most contemporary smartphones really, really suck as phones. They're uncomfortable and the sound is indistinct. No wonder hardly anyone likes using them.
posted by tangerine at 8:22 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Email and texts work best for most things, but I think the equation shifts a little if the people to whom you're emotionally the closest aren't geographically nearby, so that having actual conversations in person isn't an option. I like rambly conversations and human voices.
But even then, except for my parents, I usually schedule voice calls via text.
About voicemail: I think stonestar's right. As annoying as it is, I'd still rather know whether I actually need to call back.
I think it's significant that most contemporary smartphones really, really suck as phones. They're uncomfortable and the sound is indistinct. No wonder hardly anyone likes using them.
posted by tangerine at 8:22 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
You know, it depends. If you need quick response, call. If you just want to shoot casual notes back and forth, text. I do like that texting means I don't have to drop everything I'm doing to respond to someone--I texted my mom off and on all day while cleaning and it worked well, but when a friend called later on I was in an awkward position to be interrupted and I had to drop everything.
As for voicemail: mine gives...interesting.... transcripts of conversations. Like it thinks my name is "Dan," for example.
I haven't even set up voice mail on my rarely-used landline (it's pretty much there for emergencies and mostly gets telemarketer calls), and yet somehow the phone claims I have new voice mail. I really don't want to check, it's probably all just advertising.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:24 PM on February 14, 2016
As for voicemail: mine gives...interesting.... transcripts of conversations. Like it thinks my name is "Dan," for example.
I haven't even set up voice mail on my rarely-used landline (it's pretty much there for emergencies and mostly gets telemarketer calls), and yet somehow the phone claims I have new voice mail. I really don't want to check, it's probably all just advertising.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:24 PM on February 14, 2016
Oh, and speaking of, my mom just called as I hit the send button and I was all, "watching show right now." Argh!
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:25 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:25 PM on February 14, 2016
I hate talking on the phone with my slightly hard-of-hearing dad, but the 3000-word stream of consciousness texts he sends me are possibly worse. I figure it's only a matter of time before I end up collapsing into an ungrateful black hole of filial despair and resentment.
posted by Diagonalize at 8:35 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Diagonalize at 8:35 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
My husband and I text back and forth all day, but right before he leaves for home he calls me and we have literally the same conversation every day! It's a habit from when we didn't have cell phones, I guess. When I was s SAHM I lived for that phone call every day!
posted by Biblio at 8:48 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by Biblio at 8:48 PM on February 14, 2016
I feel like I'm being a bother when I call.
Have you considered asking whether you're a bother when you call? And trusted the person to answer honestly?
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:50 PM on February 14, 2016
Have you considered asking whether you're a bother when you call? And trusted the person to answer honestly?
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:50 PM on February 14, 2016
It's as easy to be an asshole via voicemail as it is writing words on a screen. Because there's no seeing someone's expression and hearing the mixture of feelings in their tone of voice, the way they stand or sit as in real space and real time. Over the phone strips away two of those but still, that catch in her voice or the insincerity embedded in a spoken lie. You can at least hear those if you bother to listen closely. But words on a screen ? There you have to go to the Puppet Theater of the Mind, where little homunculi of your own device act out a script perhaps written elsewhere but directed by your own Hope and Fear.
And voicemail ? Leaving one when you come home and find something that makes you fly off the handle -- there's no walk to the mailbox, no spell check to slow you and no face to show the shock and pain your nasty ass wrath evokes. You are so protected from caring about it until it's too late.
By all means, stick to letters on a screen. We're all telepaths and empathic to a fault. Plus you never have to worry about completely fucking up by misunderstanding and making abusive lethal insults because your little inner werewolf has the mike. Because we are all sensitive and compassionate angels who have no need of messy interactions liking having to listen to anyone or catch ourselves as we realize how poorly we are coming across or how hurtful our petty malice looks and sounds when the face of our object of derision crumples in pain. And we feel the pain we are causing right there and then.
Nay, stick with texting, especially if it's important and a delicate matter. What chance is there of going all Thelma and Louise off a cliff by merely typing ?
posted by y2karl at 9:01 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
And voicemail ? Leaving one when you come home and find something that makes you fly off the handle -- there's no walk to the mailbox, no spell check to slow you and no face to show the shock and pain your nasty ass wrath evokes. You are so protected from caring about it until it's too late.
By all means, stick to letters on a screen. We're all telepaths and empathic to a fault. Plus you never have to worry about completely fucking up by misunderstanding and making abusive lethal insults because your little inner werewolf has the mike. Because we are all sensitive and compassionate angels who have no need of messy interactions liking having to listen to anyone or catch ourselves as we realize how poorly we are coming across or how hurtful our petty malice looks and sounds when the face of our object of derision crumples in pain. And we feel the pain we are causing right there and then.
Nay, stick with texting, especially if it's important and a delicate matter. What chance is there of going all Thelma and Louise off a cliff by merely typing ?
posted by y2karl at 9:01 PM on February 14, 2016 [2 favorites]
My voicemail message used to be, " Hi. you've reached the number that you dialed. Please leave a message." My friends and I (both of them,) don't leave messages, just hang up after the fourth ring. We call back when we get around to noticing someone called. Sometimes they answer. I was in a cafe tonight, almost all singles, all on media of some kind. The matrix is on. When will we crawl into our media beds and drink from tubes? I was wandering in home depot, people walk right at you talking their heads off, no not talking to me, not insane (maybe,) ah, on the phone. Texting, nice if it is someone from real life.
posted by Oyéah at 9:16 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Oyéah at 9:16 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Have you considered asking whether you're a bother when you call? And trusted the person to answer honestly?
Every single time, unless it's scheduled ahead. And of course the flipside is that if it isn't a good time for me when someone else calls, I have to say so.
posted by tangerine at 9:40 PM on February 14, 2016
Every single time, unless it's scheduled ahead. And of course the flipside is that if it isn't a good time for me when someone else calls, I have to say so.
posted by tangerine at 9:40 PM on February 14, 2016
I don't understand not setting up your email. I get not leaving messages. I think of it more as ping, and get frustrated at my mom's two or three minute messages, but don't you want voice mail for emergencies? I've had the police leave me a message about an injured friend who had me as the SOS and I've had nurses leave messages about my mother. Doctors don't text; they email. If someone I know leaves a voice mail I probably won't listen but I still want it there.
posted by Room 641-A at 10:03 PM on February 14, 2016
posted by Room 641-A at 10:03 PM on February 14, 2016
I don't mind phone calls so much but please don't leave me fucking voice mail if I don't answer.
How bout you pick up and don't call me back when I am trying to leave a message?
posted by boilermonster at 11:49 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
How bout you pick up and don't call me back when I am trying to leave a message?
posted by boilermonster at 11:49 PM on February 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
What's up with all these spoiled adult babies?
If you're referring to people who don't tell/contact their parents much, well, not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. A parent is not automatically good for their child.
Referring to people as "spoiled adult babies" is kind of nasty.
posted by Solomon at 12:56 AM on February 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
If you're referring to people who don't tell/contact their parents much, well, not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. A parent is not automatically good for their child.
Referring to people as "spoiled adult babies" is kind of nasty.
posted by Solomon at 12:56 AM on February 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
My parents are gone so they're not waiting for my call. My adult son generally only texts me and I'm fine with that. I actually hate getting a phone call from him because he usually only calls in an emergency.
posted by octothorpe at 3:33 AM on February 15, 2016
posted by octothorpe at 3:33 AM on February 15, 2016
If you're referring to people who don't tell/contact their parents much, well, not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. A parent is not automatically good for their child.
About a week ago, my mother called. I was in the restroom. I walked back into the living room and sat down, and received a text from her: "Are you home?" I replied back yes and received from her: "Tried to call."
So I call her to see what she wants and I get the third degree about why I didn't answer my phone. I was in the restroom. Yes, my phone tells me when I've missed a call but I literally just got back from the restroom and didn't see it. No, I was not ignoring you, I just didn't see the notification because I just sat down literally one second ago.
She didn't even want anything, she just called to chat. Before someone accuses me of not upholding my relationship with my mother, please understand that we exhange texts or phone calls almost daily. When she gets bored, she calls to chit-chat. Sometimes she gets annoyed with me because I don't have much to tell her because we spoke on the phone two days ago and I've done nothing but go to work and come home a couple of times.
Sometimes she'll get passive-aggressive and say something like "We haven't heard from you" when it's been three days between phone calls and we've texted in the interim.
So yeah, not all familial relationships are great ones. Although FaceTime has been great for my son being able to talk to his grandparents, some of whom are long distances away.
posted by Fleebnork at 6:35 AM on February 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
About a week ago, my mother called. I was in the restroom. I walked back into the living room and sat down, and received a text from her: "Are you home?" I replied back yes and received from her: "Tried to call."
So I call her to see what she wants and I get the third degree about why I didn't answer my phone. I was in the restroom. Yes, my phone tells me when I've missed a call but I literally just got back from the restroom and didn't see it. No, I was not ignoring you, I just didn't see the notification because I just sat down literally one second ago.
She didn't even want anything, she just called to chat. Before someone accuses me of not upholding my relationship with my mother, please understand that we exhange texts or phone calls almost daily. When she gets bored, she calls to chit-chat. Sometimes she gets annoyed with me because I don't have much to tell her because we spoke on the phone two days ago and I've done nothing but go to work and come home a couple of times.
Sometimes she'll get passive-aggressive and say something like "We haven't heard from you" when it's been three days between phone calls and we've texted in the interim.
So yeah, not all familial relationships are great ones. Although FaceTime has been great for my son being able to talk to his grandparents, some of whom are long distances away.
posted by Fleebnork at 6:35 AM on February 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
My wife's parents are both kind of hermits at this point and end up calling her on the phone every other day and expecting 1hr+ conversations. Neither of them texts.
She loves her parents but it's a tiring thing to have every single call, even if it starts just as "hey when are your classes ending" metastasize into an hour long black hole in your precious little down time.
My family texts and calls. Small things and little observations get done with text, we catch up maybe once a fortnight with a call. It's a considerably less stressful system.
posted by Ferreous at 7:45 AM on February 15, 2016
She loves her parents but it's a tiring thing to have every single call, even if it starts just as "hey when are your classes ending" metastasize into an hour long black hole in your precious little down time.
My family texts and calls. Small things and little observations get done with text, we catch up maybe once a fortnight with a call. It's a considerably less stressful system.
posted by Ferreous at 7:45 AM on February 15, 2016
Like someone up above said, the glorious thing about iPhones is that they are custom-made for call avoidance. They never pick up calls and send them to my voice mail, which somehow always manages to signal callers that it is full even when it is empty. And the best feature is call blocking. Damn, I love that feature. I avoid calls whenever possible. In theory I should despise texting because I'm an "old" but in fact I much prefer texting.
Can't say that I love texting -- it still feels distancing and impersonal to me -- but I've never been much of a phone call person anyway so texting is the best of all possible worlds. I have friends who loathe texting and always want to call and chat and I always want to say, "Can't we just text this conversation?"
Yet ...... and yet ...... at the same time, something about this exchange seems inevitably dickish even if it isn't meant that way:
Guy 1: Hitting the bar for football.
Guy 2: Can’t.
posted by blucevalo at 8:06 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Can't say that I love texting -- it still feels distancing and impersonal to me -- but I've never been much of a phone call person anyway so texting is the best of all possible worlds. I have friends who loathe texting and always want to call and chat and I always want to say, "Can't we just text this conversation?"
Yet ...... and yet ...... at the same time, something about this exchange seems inevitably dickish even if it isn't meant that way:
Guy 1: Hitting the bar for football.
Guy 2: Can’t.
posted by blucevalo at 8:06 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
the agents of KAOS: there are definitely ways to send a text message without using a cell phone, if you're interested in some options you could do an Ask Me about it.
Yes, I looked at this a bit, but our IT people are (appropriately) very hardnosed about our not using any technology that hasn't been thoroughly vetted for data security to transmit private student data . The whole issue of students only paying attention to texts is a big issue across higher ed, and I'm sure eventually an institutionally-approved solution will be developed, doubtless just in time for all the kids to abandon texting in favor of some as-yet-unknown new technology (*sigh*).
posted by Kat Allison at 8:32 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yes, I looked at this a bit, but our IT people are (appropriately) very hardnosed about our not using any technology that hasn't been thoroughly vetted for data security to transmit private student data . The whole issue of students only paying attention to texts is a big issue across higher ed, and I'm sure eventually an institutionally-approved solution will be developed, doubtless just in time for all the kids to abandon texting in favor of some as-yet-unknown new technology (*sigh*).
posted by Kat Allison at 8:32 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you really want to communicate, use the mode that the other person is most comfortable with for the message.
posted by achrise at 8:40 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by achrise at 8:40 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
There is, in my view, a special place in hell for people who send me a text or an email asking me if I have a few minutes for a phone call, because they have a question.
Dumbass, did you really send me a message WITH A QUESTION IN IT instead of just asking the goddamn question? What the fuck is wrong with you?
I find that, 99% of the time, it's people who are incapable of written communication for some reason. Taking time to compose a communicative email is just beyond them. They have to talk it through, and have to use my ear to do it. The older I get, the less patient I am with this, because it's really wasteful and inefficient.
These are usually the same people who, upon receipt of an email with clearly enumerated questions, will either (a) call me back instead of answering the email; or (b) reply in email, but only answer the first question and ignore the rest.
All that said, texting, email, and actual voice calls all have a place. But so much of my work is detail-oriented that email is way better for most things because of the record it creates, both for archival reasons and for "need to process this" reasons.
As for digs about "the glorious thing about iPhones" being persistent call failure, that's just being silly and assigning blame incorrectly. It sounds more like a carrier problem than an iPhone problem. I've used exclusively iPhones for years, and have literally never encountered this problem, but I know people who live in crappy coverage areas for their carrier and complain of similar trouble regardless of what brand of phone they have.
posted by uberchet at 8:52 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Dumbass, did you really send me a message WITH A QUESTION IN IT instead of just asking the goddamn question? What the fuck is wrong with you?
I find that, 99% of the time, it's people who are incapable of written communication for some reason. Taking time to compose a communicative email is just beyond them. They have to talk it through, and have to use my ear to do it. The older I get, the less patient I am with this, because it's really wasteful and inefficient.
These are usually the same people who, upon receipt of an email with clearly enumerated questions, will either (a) call me back instead of answering the email; or (b) reply in email, but only answer the first question and ignore the rest.
All that said, texting, email, and actual voice calls all have a place. But so much of my work is detail-oriented that email is way better for most things because of the record it creates, both for archival reasons and for "need to process this" reasons.
As for digs about "the glorious thing about iPhones" being persistent call failure, that's just being silly and assigning blame incorrectly. It sounds more like a carrier problem than an iPhone problem. I've used exclusively iPhones for years, and have literally never encountered this problem, but I know people who live in crappy coverage areas for their carrier and complain of similar trouble regardless of what brand of phone they have.
posted by uberchet at 8:52 AM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
The whole issue of students only paying attention to texts is a big issue across higher ed, and I'm sure eventually an institutionally-approved solution will be developed
The junior and senior Comp Sci majors could knock one out in a weekend, I bet :)
posted by thelonius at 9:13 AM on February 15, 2016
The junior and senior Comp Sci majors could knock one out in a weekend, I bet :)
posted by thelonius at 9:13 AM on February 15, 2016
They could, but it'll take another five years at minimum for the solution to be approved for institutional use. There'll have to be some committees, a policy, and then there's the Policy on Policies to contend with. Plus an intellectual property agreement with the students, and a lengthy task force on supporting the solution long-term.
(I don't know what university Kat Allison is with, I'm just thinking about my own university. We will go to any lengths to bend and twist and avoid having to do anything that touches the Policy on Policies because holy shit, do you never, ever want to go there. Eldritch horrors lurk in that policy.)
Texting is infinitely better than calling, but emails are still better than either, but generally I've just made peace with the need to adapt my contact attempts to the person. If I ever want to hear back from a sibling, I should text. If my mother needs me, I should email. My dad needs phone calls because he's still literally drafting his emails in longhand before typing them in.
posted by Stacey at 9:26 AM on February 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
(I don't know what university Kat Allison is with, I'm just thinking about my own university. We will go to any lengths to bend and twist and avoid having to do anything that touches the Policy on Policies because holy shit, do you never, ever want to go there. Eldritch horrors lurk in that policy.)
Texting is infinitely better than calling, but emails are still better than either, but generally I've just made peace with the need to adapt my contact attempts to the person. If I ever want to hear back from a sibling, I should text. If my mother needs me, I should email. My dad needs phone calls because he's still literally drafting his emails in longhand before typing them in.
posted by Stacey at 9:26 AM on February 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm a criminal defense attorney. If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to never talk to the police without consulting a lawyer and having that lawyer with you during questioning. If I could give you two pieces of advice, however, the second one would be this: have at least one close friend or family member who answers their phone and does not screen calls, and memorize that person's phone number.
I meet a ton of people who spent more time in jail than they had to because their emergency contacts don't answer the phone. If your mom or your spouse or whoever is your Person will not answer a phone call, you do not get released from jail. And if they will not answer a phone call telling them to come to court to confirm that you have a safe place to live (especially because most of my clients are juveniles), then not only are you not getting out that day, you may not be getting out at all until someone can be contacted by phone to vouch for you and/or put up money for you. There are no texts from jail. There are also usually no texts from hospitals, or crime scenes, or lots of other kinds of emergencies. If you get hit by a car and rushed to the emergency room, the doctors are going to try to contact someone by phone; they are not going to try to figure out the passcode on your cell phone and text your family to tell them that you're unconscious. If you're the victim of a crime, police or victim advocates are not going to text your spouse to tell them that you just got raped. And if you're arrested and your cell phone gets taken as evidence or prisoner property, then even if you do get released by the police because they realized you were actually innocent, you probably won't get your phone back until at least the next day, so you won't be able to text anyone, and if you don't have someone's number memorized, you're walking home from the police station.
Find a person in your life who doesn't screen and who answers the phone. Preferably someone who has a landline in your area code, because a lot of jails and police stations think it's 1991 and won't allow you to make an outgoing call to an out-of-area number or to a cell phone. And make sure that person will take a call from an unknown or blocked number, because in an emergency, there's a good chance that you or whoever is calling about you will not use your own phone to do it. Find that person, and become that person's best friend. Because hopefully you'll never need it, but if you ever do, you will be really, really grateful that some of us still answer the phone when it rings.
posted by decathecting at 9:36 AM on February 15, 2016 [12 favorites]
I meet a ton of people who spent more time in jail than they had to because their emergency contacts don't answer the phone. If your mom or your spouse or whoever is your Person will not answer a phone call, you do not get released from jail. And if they will not answer a phone call telling them to come to court to confirm that you have a safe place to live (especially because most of my clients are juveniles), then not only are you not getting out that day, you may not be getting out at all until someone can be contacted by phone to vouch for you and/or put up money for you. There are no texts from jail. There are also usually no texts from hospitals, or crime scenes, or lots of other kinds of emergencies. If you get hit by a car and rushed to the emergency room, the doctors are going to try to contact someone by phone; they are not going to try to figure out the passcode on your cell phone and text your family to tell them that you're unconscious. If you're the victim of a crime, police or victim advocates are not going to text your spouse to tell them that you just got raped. And if you're arrested and your cell phone gets taken as evidence or prisoner property, then even if you do get released by the police because they realized you were actually innocent, you probably won't get your phone back until at least the next day, so you won't be able to text anyone, and if you don't have someone's number memorized, you're walking home from the police station.
Find a person in your life who doesn't screen and who answers the phone. Preferably someone who has a landline in your area code, because a lot of jails and police stations think it's 1991 and won't allow you to make an outgoing call to an out-of-area number or to a cell phone. And make sure that person will take a call from an unknown or blocked number, because in an emergency, there's a good chance that you or whoever is calling about you will not use your own phone to do it. Find that person, and become that person's best friend. Because hopefully you'll never need it, but if you ever do, you will be really, really grateful that some of us still answer the phone when it rings.
posted by decathecting at 9:36 AM on February 15, 2016 [12 favorites]
Now that my parents are dead, I can let every single phone call go directly to voice mail. Which gets machine-transcribed into text I can look at. It's great. Well aside from the "I liked my parents and they are both dead" part, that sucks. I've turned the ringer off on my phone.
People I actually want to talk to hit me up on google talk. Or lately Telegram, which is great because I can respond with a funny cartoon drawing of myself instead of actual words sometimes. And sometimes I respond quickly, sometimes I respond a day later because I'm busy working, and it is the fucking best. All my friends know I do that, and are cool with it. They do it to me too. We just have these lengthy meandering chats that have random hiatuses.
I am definitely not the friend you want to call to bail you out of jail.
posted by egypturnash at 12:28 PM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
People I actually want to talk to hit me up on google talk. Or lately Telegram, which is great because I can respond with a funny cartoon drawing of myself instead of actual words sometimes. And sometimes I respond quickly, sometimes I respond a day later because I'm busy working, and it is the fucking best. All my friends know I do that, and are cool with it. They do it to me too. We just have these lengthy meandering chats that have random hiatuses.
I am definitely not the friend you want to call to bail you out of jail.
posted by egypturnash at 12:28 PM on February 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yet ...... and yet ...... at the same time, something about this exchange seems inevitably dickish even if it isn't meant that way:
Guy 1: Hitting the bar for football.
Guy 2: Can’t.
My various social circles (including my parents) communicate by texting (usually group chats in Whatsapp), and we almost never do this. It'll go more like:
Friend1: Going to XX for dinner, who's in?
Me: Ugh, can't. Swamped with work. Have a good one!
Friend2: I can make it by 6:30, is that ok?
Friend1: Dang, Alnedra, sorry about that. Friend2, sure! See you there!
Me: Send me pics of the meals!
Friend1: So what are you busy with?
Me: [complains about work]
Friend2: [complains about work too]
[intermittent messages that peters out when we can't stay on the chat]
We socialise way more now with texting than before because we can have the conversation in between work, kids, mealtimes and other activities. It's been a great tool for maintaining friendships where both parties can't meet physically often or at all.
posted by Alnedra at 6:54 PM on February 15, 2016
Guy 1: Hitting the bar for football.
Guy 2: Can’t.
My various social circles (including my parents) communicate by texting (usually group chats in Whatsapp), and we almost never do this. It'll go more like:
Friend1: Going to XX for dinner, who's in?
Me: Ugh, can't. Swamped with work. Have a good one!
Friend2: I can make it by 6:30, is that ok?
Friend1: Dang, Alnedra, sorry about that. Friend2, sure! See you there!
Me: Send me pics of the meals!
Friend1: So what are you busy with?
Me: [complains about work]
Friend2: [complains about work too]
[intermittent messages that peters out when we can't stay on the chat]
We socialise way more now with texting than before because we can have the conversation in between work, kids, mealtimes and other activities. It's been a great tool for maintaining friendships where both parties can't meet physically often or at all.
posted by Alnedra at 6:54 PM on February 15, 2016
Payphones, shortwave and telegrams.
Oh, the reverse charge days. (Ring) mom says: I don't know you. Hang up. Worked virtually anywhere, with a phone.
Those millions of disavowed phone calls haunt grey tiles.
So old it's ol'.
posted by clavdivs at 9:33 PM on February 15, 2016
Oh, the reverse charge days. (Ring) mom says: I don't know you. Hang up. Worked virtually anywhere, with a phone.
Those millions of disavowed phone calls haunt grey tiles.
So old it's ol'.
posted by clavdivs at 9:33 PM on February 15, 2016
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posted by GenjiandProust at 1:02 PM on February 14, 2016 [13 favorites]