Throw me in a haunted wheelbarrow and set me on fire
May 12, 2016 8:37 PM   Subscribe

The Friday poem: 'Monica’, by Hera Lindsay Bird Monica Geller off popular sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S / Is one of the worst characters in the history of television / She makes me want to wash my hands with hand sanitizer / She makes me want to stand in an abandoned Ukrainian parking lot / And scream her name at a bunch of dead crows
posted by Sebmojo (26 comments total) 31 users marked this as a favorite
 
I like this poem and I like this new tradition.
posted by benito.strauss at 9:11 PM on May 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


I hope she sees Cheers next. Rebecca is gonna get it.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 9:54 PM on May 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


"Friends" wasn't an acronym, the widely-spaced all-caps logo just made it look that way.

(Tangentially, M*A*S*H was an acronym but the asterisks were a stylization from the movie's poster.)
posted by El Mariachi at 10:04 PM on May 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


I love this so freaking much.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 10:12 PM on May 12, 2016 [1 favorite]


Wait, so it doesn't stand for "Frankly Repellant Individuals Endure Never Diminishing Suffering?"
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 10:12 PM on May 12, 2016 [7 favorites]


Someone who hate-watches shows and writes poems about them?

She is my people.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:18 PM on May 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


"Friends" wasn't an acronym

Sure it was.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:53 PM on May 12, 2016 [7 favorites]


Ross was so much worse than Monica. I recently rewatched this, and every time Ross opened his mouth I found myself launching obscenities at the screen. One time I got so mad I scared the cat.

I also do this with Carrie from Sex and the City and everyone on every season of Survivor.
posted by sockermom at 11:06 PM on May 12, 2016 [5 favorites]


F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I substitute that for C.H.O.M.P.S
or R.O.T.O.R even the I.W.W, and still get amazingly vivid images of this sub par but funny poem.
The images of despair, the wheelbarrow full of parking lot cows are quite sophomoric but fitting for the subject matter.

God, remember when they all wanted a 100 grand a week?
Now that's a poem.
posted by clavdivs at 11:10 PM on May 12, 2016 [3 favorites]


Monica was just disappointing, she could have been great but the writers ruined her. Ross though, he was terrible.

Sockermom knows what's up
posted by Carillon at 11:32 PM on May 12, 2016


every time Ross opened his mouth I found myself launching obscenities at the screen.

"I turned my wife gay and she left me for another woman" running joke.

That's not why she left you, Ross.
posted by adept256 at 11:48 PM on May 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


Phoebe was worse.
posted by MartinWisse at 1:44 AM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


Than Monica that is. Ross is still the king of the shitlords.
posted by MartinWisse at 1:46 AM on May 13, 2016


I just gave a poem a standing ovation. At 7:45 am alone in my kitchen.
posted by Maaik at 4:46 AM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


They were all the worst. Who are we kidding?
posted by pxe2000 at 4:50 AM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


Did everyone complaining about Ross get to the end of the poem, or
posted by ominous_paws at 5:22 AM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


That may be the best poem I have ever read.
posted by leesh at 5:37 AM on May 13, 2016


If I am at all mildly surprised today, I will say (with a feigned Southern accent), "Well, throw me in a haunted wheelbarrow and set me on fire!"
posted by steef at 5:41 AM on May 13, 2016 [4 favorites]


Can this poem BE more on point?

I KNOW!
posted by wabbittwax at 6:32 AM on May 13, 2016 [5 favorites]


In all seriousness, I would have stood up and cheered if the series finale of Friends had ended with Ross thrown in a haunted wheelbarrow and set on fire.
posted by wabbittwax at 6:34 AM on May 13, 2016 [3 favorites]


Often I look at the world

And I am dumbfounded that anyone can function at all

Given the kind of violence that

So many people have inherited from the past

But that’s still no excuse to throw

A dinner plate at your friends, during a quiet game of Pictionary
posted by allthinky at 6:51 AM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


And don’t even get me started on Ross


Is the line that should end any poem, essay, critical analysis, or honestly any written work at all, about F.R.I.EN.D.S.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:24 AM on May 13, 2016 [5 favorites]


this poem is pretty rachem
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:09 AM on May 13, 2016


What kind of a name for a show was F.R.I.E.N.D.S

When two of them were related

And the rest of them just fucked for ten seasons?


I am in love with the author of this poem. (But I have to confess, Monica is 100% my favorite character. Because we are so similar.)
posted by kate blank at 11:54 AM on May 13, 2016


I just gave a poem a standing ovation. At 7:45 am alone in my kitchen.

Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen.

Oops. Wrong show.
posted by NedKoppel at 1:51 PM on May 13, 2016 [1 favorite]


I generally hate most current poetry and was all set for a good old eye-rollin' time when I clicked the link. But this was so surprisingly good and funny that I yelped with laughter. Actually yelped.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 5:50 PM on May 13, 2016


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