Dog, sometimes I suspect you of holding with the Arminian schismatics.

April 6, 2017 4:25 PM

A message from Reformed theologian John Calvin to my dog Murphy, who I suspect is not a member of the elect, by Mallory Ortberg.

This is the third issue of the Shatner Chatner, Ortberg's new weekly newsletter. The first installments dealt with her doomed attempt to appreciate Into the Woods and her irreducible feelings for William Shatner.

posted by Iridic (25 comments total)

"This morning you have thrice barked to be let out, only to refuse to do anything upon achieving the condition of outness, thereby wasting my time and yours, even while the Psalmist reminds us that God has made our days as handbreadths, and an age is nothing before Him. You will answer for this in eternity."

lolol. I don't know anydoggie like this, uh uh. ::rolls eyes::

Enjoyed this, thanks!
posted by Rufous-headed Towhee heehee at 4:28 PM on April 6, 2017 [6 favorites]

A dog can be a Saint or a heretic.
But Dog is Dog.
posted by SyraCarol at 4:54 PM on April 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

Calvin is just bitter because Melanchthon's dog always fetches the ball and brings it back. Because Melanchthon is just good like that.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:08 PM on April 6, 2017 [8 favorites]

PS AutoCorrect tried to turn "Melanchthon" into "annoying thing." I think at least some of Melanchthon's contemporaries would've laughed at that. They might also have felt guilty afterwards.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:11 PM on April 6, 2017 [8 favorites]

I need a word that describes humor that does not make me laugh out loud but which delights me nonetheless. This is aimed directly at me and I love it.
posted by JDHarper at 5:43 PM on April 6, 2017 [12 favorites]

They're damned dogs, Iridoc.
posted by gwint at 5:48 PM on April 6, 2017 [16 favorites]

This is a good bit, but the Shatner appreciation might actually be perfect.
posted by knuckle tattoos at 6:52 PM on April 6, 2017 [5 favorites]

Oh god I missed her.
posted by domo at 8:15 PM on April 6, 2017 [14 favorites]

Fun fact! Mallory Ortberg's dad is John Ortberg a relatively famous Presbyterian author and pastor. So you can trust that this piece is based on solid reformed theology.
posted by vorpal bunny at 8:39 PM on April 6, 2017 [13 favorites]

Oh god I missed her.

Me too. I signed up for more of this immediately.
posted by mordax at 12:12 AM on April 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

Her observations about the show Columbo In the Shatner article feel completely spot-on, and I wish she would go into it further. <3
posted by theatro at 3:52 AM on April 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

Love her so much. Also my dogs are decidely not members of the elect. My cats, however, inform me that they are in a state of grace, and i am not.
posted by Cocodrillo at 4:37 AM on April 7, 2017 [6 favorites]

I knew she couldn't keep away. Her erudite silliness would need an outlet, thank god.
posted by Malla at 5:17 AM on April 7, 2017

Oh god I missed her.

Me too. I signed up for more of this immediately.

Same here--thanks so much for posting, I've also immediately signed up. I like reading her as Dear Prudence but her theological & literary satire is so deeply and uniquely pleasing.
posted by n. moon at 5:23 AM on April 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

Fun fact! Mallory Ortberg's dad is John Ortberg a relatively famous Presbyterian author and pastor.

1) I cannot believe I never knew this.
2) It seems so obvious in retrospect. She's like the stereotypical bright PK cranked up to 11.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 5:46 AM on April 7, 2017 [6 favorites]

If John Calvin is concerned about dogs failing to embrace effectual grace, it may be based on his own experiences:

"Recalling his 1541 return to Geneva shortly before his death, Calvin told his ministerial colleagues, “I had as great difficulty as before in performing my office. People set their dogs on me, which caught at my robe and my legs.” "

Of course, those dogs were likely wretched proponents of antinomianism.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 6:20 AM on April 7, 2017 [5 favorites]

For further reference, this is Murphy and his diaper adventure.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:55 AM on April 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

Puts me in mind of this dog confession.
posted by thelonius at 7:15 AM on April 7, 2017

I need a word that describes humor that does not make me laugh out loud but which delights me nonetheless.

Actually, I'd say Ortbergian should be coined this in her honor except she also often makes me laugh out loud.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:34 AM on April 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

Her description of Shatner in that Colombo episode is perfection. It's the most Shatner-ish Shatner thing anywhere and it's perfect.
posted by ceejaytee at 10:17 AM on April 7, 2017

I love this bit so much I just want to make a file on my desktop to save it in.

"Columbo, like Star Trek, is a show that tries very hard to imagine how to solve problems without violence, and showcases a certain sort of male peacefulness that makes me cry when I try to explain it to someone else"
posted by Space Coyote at 11:30 AM on April 7, 2017 [6 favorites]

How can I call you a good dog? Consider the book of Ephesians: When you were dead in your transgressions, wherein ye walked according to the courses of this world, according to the princes of the powers of the air, of the spirit now at work in the sons of disobedience, you lived in the lust of the flesh, doing the desires of the flesh, and were by nature children of wrath. This morning you have thrice barked to be let out, only to refuse to do anything upon achieving the condition of outness, thereby wasting my time and yours, even while the Psalmist reminds us that God has made our days as handbreadths, and an age is nothing before Him. You will answer for this in eternity.

They're all good dogs, Calvin.
posted by Mchelly at 12:52 PM on April 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

Troy's feelings for Levar Burton as expanded through Ortberg's feelings for Shatner are my feelings for Ortberg.
posted by zymil at 6:26 PM on April 7, 2017 [3 favorites]

So you can trust that this piece is based on solid reformed theology.

And how. Very triggering & I am that dog.
posted by scalefree at 6:52 PM on April 7, 2017

So excited that she has a newsletter! By the way, for those of you who miss The Toast, I highly recommend listening to the podcast for Dear Prudence. It's a lot more Mallory Ortberg-ish than the column - for instance, a few weeks ago, there was an extended soliloquy about how the worst kind of person you can be is the kind of person who gets offended when a server says "no problem" instead of "you're welcome."
posted by lunasol at 10:29 PM on April 7, 2017