& as I went to grab her buttcheeks she screams "NO MY GLASSES!"
October 12, 2018 12:26 PM Subscribe
please tell me about a time you laughed so hard you cried. (SLTwitter) Currently best viewed via the user's timeline, since she's retweeted the best ones, but I made the original tweet the main link for posterity. Also, I am deceased. Happy Friday!
The one of these from my childhood went as follows: My mom, sister, and I went to see the movie Shining Through, a WWII spy/ love story starring Melanie Griffith and Michael Douglas. They were big fans of the book, but it became clear quick that this was not a very good movie. My mom and my sister would put their heads together and whisper about differences from the book, bad dialogue, etc.
I remember the line: Melanie Griffith said, "I knew the day was a Friday, because the day after was a Saturday, and the kids didn't have to go to school." Both mom and sister rushed in to whisper about that terrible line, and their heads met with the sound of two cocoanuts being knocked together. Everyone turned and looked. The after effect of the bad line, the pain, and possibly minor concussion meant that they started laughing so hard that they could hardly breathe, and an usher actually came by to shush us (only time I've actually seen that happen).
posted by BeeDo at 12:54 PM on October 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
I remember the line: Melanie Griffith said, "I knew the day was a Friday, because the day after was a Saturday, and the kids didn't have to go to school." Both mom and sister rushed in to whisper about that terrible line, and their heads met with the sound of two cocoanuts being knocked together. Everyone turned and looked. The after effect of the bad line, the pain, and possibly minor concussion meant that they started laughing so hard that they could hardly breathe, and an usher actually came by to shush us (only time I've actually seen that happen).
posted by BeeDo at 12:54 PM on October 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
Solid Friday afternoon FPP. This one had me snorting.
posted by mcstayinskool at 12:54 PM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by mcstayinskool at 12:54 PM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
These made me so happy, I read them yesterday and now I'm going through to see the new replies since then! This one is my favorite, I don't know why but it made me burst out laughing: I changed my manager’s contact picture in my phone to Roosevelt Franklin from Sesame Street....
Seems like a great way to help with my phone anxiety.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 1:01 PM on October 12, 2018 [17 favorites]
Seems like a great way to help with my phone anxiety.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 1:01 PM on October 12, 2018 [17 favorites]
We had been playing games with some friends when the munchies hit, and we decided the best way to slice a pepperoni would be for me to hold the (large, sharp) knife steady in mid-air while somebody else swung the pepperoni at it like he was trying to hit a pinata.
Well, it went through the pepperoni like a room-temperature knife through cured sausage, and the severed piece flew across the room -- somehow in the wrong direction; to this day I don't understand the physics here -- and slapped one of the hosts square in the face.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:04 PM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
Well, it went through the pepperoni like a room-temperature knife through cured sausage, and the severed piece flew across the room -- somehow in the wrong direction; to this day I don't understand the physics here -- and slapped one of the hosts square in the face.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:04 PM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
I sound like I'm crying right now because I'm trying to stifle my giggles at this dream-spiration.
posted by gladly at 1:04 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by gladly at 1:04 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm still reading through these and loving them. The picture of the dog sinking in the blanket is amazing. So far, I've laughed the hardest at the email to an accounting firm which was accidentally sent before it was complete so all it said was, "Dear Jeffrey, I am afraid"
I could read these stories all day...
posted by acidnova at 1:05 PM on October 12, 2018 [12 favorites]
I could read these stories all day...
posted by acidnova at 1:05 PM on October 12, 2018 [12 favorites]
A few months ago I visited Greenfield Village. To set the scene, Greenfield Village is kind of a weird place - it's a living-history museum with guys in period dress riding penny farthings around, set among historically important buildings (Edison's lab, the Wright Brothers workshop, Noah Webster's house, etc.) that Henry Ford purchased and shipped to Dearborn, MI. There's also a ton of train stuff, and it happened that the day we were there was Thomas the Tank Engine Day, with a full size actual steam train shaped like Thomas tooting around the place. There were signs everywhere saying you can MEET SIR TOPHAM HATT!!! and my girlfriend and I were trying to guess what form IRL Sir Topham Hatt would take - like, just a bald guy in a vest? Makeup? Do kids even like Sir Topham Hatt?
While we're goofing about this, we're approaching the epicenter of the Thomas & Friends zone, and walk behind a building with a back service door left open. I get a weird feeling and look inside. There, inside a dark room, his back turned to us, is a person in a 6 foot tall fully enclosed prosthetic Sir Topham Hatt suit. Sir Hatt shuffles slowly up a step, helped by an assistant, and disappears from view; a second later, a security guy gives us a stern look and closes the door.
It took me a good ten minutes to recover.
posted by theodolite at 1:06 PM on October 12, 2018 [8 favorites]
While we're goofing about this, we're approaching the epicenter of the Thomas & Friends zone, and walk behind a building with a back service door left open. I get a weird feeling and look inside. There, inside a dark room, his back turned to us, is a person in a 6 foot tall fully enclosed prosthetic Sir Topham Hatt suit. Sir Hatt shuffles slowly up a step, helped by an assistant, and disappears from view; a second later, a security guy gives us a stern look and closes the door.
It took me a good ten minutes to recover.
posted by theodolite at 1:06 PM on October 12, 2018 [8 favorites]
Oh! The other night my daughter was in the bath, playing, and my wife and I were standing in the bathroom having a spirited discussion about something -- not an argument, exactly, but the tones were sharp and the volume was high, which is very, very unusual for us -- when suddenly the little one stands straight up in the bathtub and yells, "Aaaah! Stop it, stop it!"
I figured she was freaked out by the way we were talking to each other, so I give her what I hope is a comforting look and tell her in a soft voice that it's okay, ask what's wrong.
She cocks her head to the side and says, "it's called a hustle, sweetheart."
My wife and I both collapsed laughing.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:14 PM on October 12, 2018 [12 favorites]
I figured she was freaked out by the way we were talking to each other, so I give her what I hope is a comforting look and tell her in a soft voice that it's okay, ask what's wrong.
She cocks her head to the side and says, "it's called a hustle, sweetheart."
My wife and I both collapsed laughing.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:14 PM on October 12, 2018 [12 favorites]
I love to test a person's gullibility, usually with spur of the moment lies. Here are some favorites:
1. Young employee buys slice of pizza from a new pizza joint near our work. I ask how it is. She says, "Actually, it's really good. The pepperoni has a nice spice to it."
Without missing a beat, I say, "They must use peppermouse. Let me see." She shows me the slice and I say, "Yeah, that's why. Peppermouse."
"What's peppermouse?"
"Most pepperoni is from cows and pigs but peppermouse is thinly sliced mouse that's bred to be extra spicy."
"Seriously?!"
"Yup."
She eats there most lunch breaks.
Six months later I hear her recommending the restaurant to a regular customer and telling him to make sure he asks for the peppermouse. "What's that?" he asks, and she proceeds to explain it to him. Knowing my penchant for lying, he looked at me and we both burst out laughing.
2. Same employee walks into work one day and says, "Hey, did you hear about REM?" (We worked in a record store.)
"Yeah," I say, "Michael Stipe murdered Bill Berry. It's all over the news."
"Oh my god! I just heard that they broke up!"
"Yeah, that's why. Murder."
"Ho-ly shit!"
I couldn't stop laughing in the back room when she tried to convince customers it was true. "Apparently it's all over the news," she'd say.
She was furious.
3. I was dating a Jewish woman. She was probably 30 at the time. I asked her to my mother's place for Christmas dinner, something she'd never had. She said sure. Couple weeks later we're on our way there and I told her "My mom almost cancelled dinner. I forgot to tell her you were Jewish and she was worried she didn't have anything for you to eat. Thankfully, her neighbor is a rabbi and he had some extra kosher powder. Sprinkled it on everything, so all's good."
"Kosher powder!? That's a thing?"
"Yeah. You never heard of it? I thought you were Jewish!"
"I'll have to tell my parents about it. I don't think they know about it either."
And... next time I had dinner at her parents' place, she brought it up. I'm laughing thinking about it now.
posted by dobbs at 1:17 PM on October 12, 2018 [9 favorites]
1. Young employee buys slice of pizza from a new pizza joint near our work. I ask how it is. She says, "Actually, it's really good. The pepperoni has a nice spice to it."
Without missing a beat, I say, "They must use peppermouse. Let me see." She shows me the slice and I say, "Yeah, that's why. Peppermouse."
"What's peppermouse?"
"Most pepperoni is from cows and pigs but peppermouse is thinly sliced mouse that's bred to be extra spicy."
"Seriously?!"
"Yup."
She eats there most lunch breaks.
Six months later I hear her recommending the restaurant to a regular customer and telling him to make sure he asks for the peppermouse. "What's that?" he asks, and she proceeds to explain it to him. Knowing my penchant for lying, he looked at me and we both burst out laughing.
2. Same employee walks into work one day and says, "Hey, did you hear about REM?" (We worked in a record store.)
"Yeah," I say, "Michael Stipe murdered Bill Berry. It's all over the news."
"Oh my god! I just heard that they broke up!"
"Yeah, that's why. Murder."
"Ho-ly shit!"
I couldn't stop laughing in the back room when she tried to convince customers it was true. "Apparently it's all over the news," she'd say.
She was furious.
3. I was dating a Jewish woman. She was probably 30 at the time. I asked her to my mother's place for Christmas dinner, something she'd never had. She said sure. Couple weeks later we're on our way there and I told her "My mom almost cancelled dinner. I forgot to tell her you were Jewish and she was worried she didn't have anything for you to eat. Thankfully, her neighbor is a rabbi and he had some extra kosher powder. Sprinkled it on everything, so all's good."
"Kosher powder!? That's a thing?"
"Yeah. You never heard of it? I thought you were Jewish!"
"I'll have to tell my parents about it. I don't think they know about it either."
And... next time I had dinner at her parents' place, she brought it up. I'm laughing thinking about it now.
posted by dobbs at 1:17 PM on October 12, 2018 [9 favorites]
oh my god, why. why is this so funny. why. a co-worker just asked me what's wrong with the document i'm (supposed to currently be) reviewing, "because you look... scared?" no, i am not scared, i am trying so hard not to laugh out loud, and now i am crying, and i can't explain the situation to my co-worker, and i don't even know why it's funny.
duke reveal the bean
posted by halation at 1:19 PM on October 12, 2018 [16 favorites]
duke reveal the bean
posted by halation at 1:19 PM on October 12, 2018 [16 favorites]
Mine:
Playing charades with my boyfriend and his friends - the category was Food and the word was Honey (which is kind of hard to pantomime, but whatever). Friends were doing some kind of thing with a bee stinger squirting something into a bowl (I know that's not how honey is made), and boyfriend, clearly baffled, guesses "Bird... poop?" and then "OH!!!!" like he's got the answer, and says with 100% confidence, "Bird poop soup!"
Also (this is even weirder and potentially less funny if you weren't there but I'm going with it), one time my friend bought this ornamental plate at a festival for 500 yen. He wasn't terribly attached to his purchase initially, but another friend and I mocked the plate and its hideousness pretty mercilessly, and he became defensive and decided it was the Best Plate Ever and damn the haters. So a few days later, bored at work, I created a Facebook account for the plate, friended him, and proceeded to get aggressive and post a bunch of stupid dishware puns and memes. The owner of the plate was at first bewildered and then blamed our other friend for it. I am laughing thinking about it.
Eventually our entire friend group became Facebook friends with the plate. We're all on different continents now, but someone still wishes the plate a happy birthday every year...
posted by sunset in snow country at 1:26 PM on October 12, 2018 [20 favorites]
Playing charades with my boyfriend and his friends - the category was Food and the word was Honey (which is kind of hard to pantomime, but whatever). Friends were doing some kind of thing with a bee stinger squirting something into a bowl (I know that's not how honey is made), and boyfriend, clearly baffled, guesses "Bird... poop?" and then "OH!!!!" like he's got the answer, and says with 100% confidence, "Bird poop soup!"
Also (this is even weirder and potentially less funny if you weren't there but I'm going with it), one time my friend bought this ornamental plate at a festival for 500 yen. He wasn't terribly attached to his purchase initially, but another friend and I mocked the plate and its hideousness pretty mercilessly, and he became defensive and decided it was the Best Plate Ever and damn the haters. So a few days later, bored at work, I created a Facebook account for the plate, friended him, and proceeded to get aggressive and post a bunch of stupid dishware puns and memes. The owner of the plate was at first bewildered and then blamed our other friend for it. I am laughing thinking about it.
Eventually our entire friend group became Facebook friends with the plate. We're all on different continents now, but someone still wishes the plate a happy birthday every year...
posted by sunset in snow country at 1:26 PM on October 12, 2018 [20 favorites]
eh, I guess you had to be there...
posted by hydra77 at 1:31 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by hydra77 at 1:31 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
My dad, brother and I all went to see 127 Hours in the theater together. When we walked out of the dark theater, with my dad leading the charge, my dad stopped suddenly in front of us. He turned around, and with his arm pulled out of the sleeve of his jacket he began swinging the empty arm sleeve around widely while laughing hysterically. The other people exiting the movie theater were horrified. It was so crude, but the timing! I died.
Several years later, my brother sadly had to have his arm amputated. When I went to visit him in the hospital post-surgery - he proudly asked, "Do you know how long the surgery took?" Can you guess what his answer was? It still makes me laugh today, despite the awful circumstances surrounding it.
posted by anoirmarie at 1:33 PM on October 12, 2018 [14 favorites]
Several years later, my brother sadly had to have his arm amputated. When I went to visit him in the hospital post-surgery - he proudly asked, "Do you know how long the surgery took?" Can you guess what his answer was? It still makes me laugh today, despite the awful circumstances surrounding it.
posted by anoirmarie at 1:33 PM on October 12, 2018 [14 favorites]
I don't know why but it made me burst out laughing: I changed my manager’s contact picture in my phone to Roosevelt Franklin from Sesame Street....
Loved this one too, and it sent me down the rabbit hole...the writer of that tweet is also the author of (all nsfw if scripty curse words count) Effin Birds, which has such gems as this and this and this
posted by mcstayinskool at 1:34 PM on October 12, 2018 [8 favorites]
Loved this one too, and it sent me down the rabbit hole...the writer of that tweet is also the author of (all nsfw if scripty curse words count) Effin Birds, which has such gems as this and this and this
posted by mcstayinskool at 1:34 PM on October 12, 2018 [8 favorites]
We were over at a couple's this summer for dinner, and we were chatting with the wife while the husband was manning the grill. He finishes up and brings the food over to the table, and as he raises his arms to put the tray on the table his shorts fall to his ankles like a scene out of a cartoon. I felt terrible but I could not stop laughing.
I think the worst part for me was that, in college, I had to do the same maneuver as part of a gag in a play (comedic fight, pants fall down, innuendo of doing the other guy on the table). I could not have pulled that trick off any smoother in a controlled stage environment than he accidentally did on his back porch that day.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:42 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think the worst part for me was that, in college, I had to do the same maneuver as part of a gag in a play (comedic fight, pants fall down, innuendo of doing the other guy on the table). I could not have pulled that trick off any smoother in a controlled stage environment than he accidentally did on his back porch that day.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:42 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
I've got a few from my first few years of college. I'd just found my core group of friends freshman year. It was a weeknight and I'd always wanted to play Telephone Pictionary, the game where each person gives a suggestion, the next person draws it, the next person describes the drawing, and so forth. I think I learned about it on the green, actually. We'd just come off a long afternoon of calculus homework, so what the hell? Let's do it. One person had a few colored pencils/pens but that was all. So we start drawing and passing and this one prompt gets to me. I don't remember what exactly it was - I think it was something like "pom-pom in a tornado" so that's what I drew, using the single blue colored pencil and my limited drawing ability. It ended up looking sort of like a Tangela minus the feet being swept up in a tornado. I was giggling as I finished it but god I sobbed when I learned the prompt. The suggestion was gotta go fast.
I wish I still had the picture. I've got a few from telephone pictionary, actually.
The other time was about a year later, same group of friends. We were all pretty social-justice focused in the cringey baby gay way that we were at like 19, so the whiteboard at the entrance of our apartment required men to check their privilege before entering. (I know, I know, I'm embarrassed even typing that) Well, we had one singular straight guy friend who would come over occasionally. One time, he was bringing us Waffle House or something and we forgot to remind him to check his privilege before he stepped over the threshold. Now, the consequence for this (also on the whiteboard) was to sit under the living room table and baa for 5 minutes.
So he dutifully got under the table and started baaing. Whenever he went quiet or tried to protest, my ex would cut him off with "I DON'T HEAR BAAING" and he would immediately let out the best "BAAAA" I've ever heard, vibrato and all. He brought us waffles and we made him baa. The whole time we were on the floor cry-laughing. Still top 10 funniest things that has ever happened to/around me.
posted by scruffy-looking nerfherder at 1:44 PM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
I wish I still had the picture. I've got a few from telephone pictionary, actually.
The other time was about a year later, same group of friends. We were all pretty social-justice focused in the cringey baby gay way that we were at like 19, so the whiteboard at the entrance of our apartment required men to check their privilege before entering. (I know, I know, I'm embarrassed even typing that) Well, we had one singular straight guy friend who would come over occasionally. One time, he was bringing us Waffle House or something and we forgot to remind him to check his privilege before he stepped over the threshold. Now, the consequence for this (also on the whiteboard) was to sit under the living room table and baa for 5 minutes.
So he dutifully got under the table and started baaing. Whenever he went quiet or tried to protest, my ex would cut him off with "I DON'T HEAR BAAING" and he would immediately let out the best "BAAAA" I've ever heard, vibrato and all. He brought us waffles and we made him baa. The whole time we were on the floor cry-laughing. Still top 10 funniest things that has ever happened to/around me.
posted by scruffy-looking nerfherder at 1:44 PM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
My baby had learned to reach out and grab toys for the first time. I was so excited! So we decided to film it for posterity. The film features our two voices saying "come on! come on! clever girl! you can do it, YES you can!" and so on, to a baby that stares blank-faced and unmoving at the camera for 20 seconds and then very slowly falls over sideways.
posted by Catseye at 1:49 PM on October 12, 2018 [53 favorites]
posted by Catseye at 1:49 PM on October 12, 2018 [53 favorites]
dobbs, that kind of humor just seems mean-spirited to me.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 1:55 PM on October 12, 2018 [45 favorites]
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 1:55 PM on October 12, 2018 [45 favorites]
An item on the BBC News talking about petrol cars being banned by 2040. My mum (74) says, slightly panicked, that they'll have to save up for a new car by then.
My dad deadpanned that he didn't think it would be a problem, whilst several children and grandchildren cracked up around them.
posted by threetwentytwo at 2:33 PM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
My dad deadpanned that he didn't think it would be a problem, whilst several children and grandchildren cracked up around them.
posted by threetwentytwo at 2:33 PM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
Oh god this one
CW for the C word, albeit coming from grandma
posted by sapere aude at 2:35 PM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
CW for the C word, albeit coming from grandma
posted by sapere aude at 2:35 PM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
One time I was at the local fair with my husband, and we were looking at the goats and sheep, and we were looking at one sheep and it sneezed and at the exact same time a dozen poop pellets shot out of its butt. It was one of the funniest things I have seen in my whole life.
That reminds me of the funniest thing that's ever happened to me, which was that one time I was watching a documentary about manatees with my brother and a manatee farted... underwater... so it was just a string of bubbles rising to the surface and I literally peed my pants laughing. I'd give my left arm to find that gif'd somewhere.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 2:43 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
That reminds me of the funniest thing that's ever happened to me, which was that one time I was watching a documentary about manatees with my brother and a manatee farted... underwater... so it was just a string of bubbles rising to the surface and I literally peed my pants laughing. I'd give my left arm to find that gif'd somewhere.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 2:43 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
First vacation as a couple, in Greece: We were sitting on the hotel room bed, I was counting the money, he was fiddling with the camera, getting more and more irritated because „the flash won‘t go off“. Since he‘s very short sighted, he lifts his glasses and holds the camera right up to his nose.
FLASSSSHHHH!
„Argh!“ he yells and falls over sideways.
I was cry-laughing so hard my whole body hurt, and the more he pouted the funnier it got.
Still married 15 years later!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:47 PM on October 12, 2018 [13 favorites]
FLASSSSHHHH!
„Argh!“ he yells and falls over sideways.
I was cry-laughing so hard my whole body hurt, and the more he pouted the funnier it got.
Still married 15 years later!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:47 PM on October 12, 2018 [13 favorites]
My four year old likes to run ahead and hide behind street corners. Then she jumps out and yells „BOO“ and you have to do a credible impression of being startled or she will force you to repeat the whole thing. I should add that she has an extremely loud voice for a four year old.
So, one morning, she runs ahead and with sudden clarity I realize - she’s miscalculated. Out she leaps: „BOO!“ And infront of me, a tiny Asian lady jumps out of her own skin and shrieks!
Four year old‘s face freezes in the most pitiful expression of terror and she hightails it back to me and hides her face in my lap! Tiny lady, still a little pale, gives me the WTFiest look that ever WTFed!
Meanwhile, I‘m trying to direct reassurances in one direction and apologies in the other but all that‘s emerging from my throat is a kind of gasping wheeze and there are tears running down my face.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:08 PM on October 12, 2018 [27 favorites]
So, one morning, she runs ahead and with sudden clarity I realize - she’s miscalculated. Out she leaps: „BOO!“ And infront of me, a tiny Asian lady jumps out of her own skin and shrieks!
Four year old‘s face freezes in the most pitiful expression of terror and she hightails it back to me and hides her face in my lap! Tiny lady, still a little pale, gives me the WTFiest look that ever WTFed!
Meanwhile, I‘m trying to direct reassurances in one direction and apologies in the other but all that‘s emerging from my throat is a kind of gasping wheeze and there are tears running down my face.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:08 PM on October 12, 2018 [27 favorites]
I had to stop reading these because Nano McGee, who is 2, does not appreciate the fine distinction between laughing until you're crying and just crying and she is getting very distressed at mom's weird sobbing.
I RETURN AFTER BEDTIME.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:20 PM on October 12, 2018 [31 favorites]
I RETURN AFTER BEDTIME.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:20 PM on October 12, 2018 [31 favorites]
I used to work at a local sandwich shop called Carlos' Gosp'l Cafe in downtown Santa Fe. The restaurant had a loyal group of regulars. One of the regulars, Corey, was a very cranky old lady who came in at least once a week to eat Hangover Stew and complain. I loved her.
One day, at the height of summer when the restaurant patio was *crammed* with people, Corey told me about being a breast cancer survivor and that she wore a prosthetic breast. She hated the fake boob. She said it made her feel strange when she hugged people because the prosthetic breast was hard and it would surprise people getting hugged.
She said, "Feel it! You'll see what I mean..." and forgetting that I was waiting tables in a crowded patio I gamely reached out and gave her breast a squeeze. She was right. It didn't feel natural at all. And as I realized it didn't feel natural (still firmly gripping her breast) I also looked around the patio and observed that many people were looking horrified and confused about the waitress who was groping that old lady's boobie. Good times.
posted by omphale27 at 3:23 PM on October 12, 2018 [32 favorites]
One day, at the height of summer when the restaurant patio was *crammed* with people, Corey told me about being a breast cancer survivor and that she wore a prosthetic breast. She hated the fake boob. She said it made her feel strange when she hugged people because the prosthetic breast was hard and it would surprise people getting hugged.
She said, "Feel it! You'll see what I mean..." and forgetting that I was waiting tables in a crowded patio I gamely reached out and gave her breast a squeeze. She was right. It didn't feel natural at all. And as I realized it didn't feel natural (still firmly gripping her breast) I also looked around the patio and observed that many people were looking horrified and confused about the waitress who was groping that old lady's boobie. Good times.
posted by omphale27 at 3:23 PM on October 12, 2018 [32 favorites]
I'm about 10 or 11 and we're visiting New York City for the first time. New York City! We saw all the sights. We're standing on the observation deck at the Empire State Building and looking around and all of a sudden, my little brother--who would be six or seven--points and gets me to look at something. It's a pigeon, and it is the fattest pigeon I have ever seen. Its feathers are all fluffed out the way pigeons do sometimes. He says in this childlike, baby-talk voice, "that bird is puf-fy!"
The entire weekend all anyone had to say was "the puf-fy bird" in that same goofy kid voice and we kids would all just lose our minds laughing. Our parents were so frustrated that they paid for five tickets and waited in line for over an hour to go up the Empire State Building just for us to stare at a pigeon that was really, really puffy. But, MeFi, it was puffy.
posted by capricorn at 3:55 PM on October 12, 2018 [18 favorites]
The entire weekend all anyone had to say was "the puf-fy bird" in that same goofy kid voice and we kids would all just lose our minds laughing. Our parents were so frustrated that they paid for five tickets and waited in line for over an hour to go up the Empire State Building just for us to stare at a pigeon that was really, really puffy. But, MeFi, it was puffy.
posted by capricorn at 3:55 PM on October 12, 2018 [18 favorites]
Driving with the news on the radio, and the announcer says "[Some Politician] was suspended from their position today after referring to the tainted processed meats poisoning/recall scandal as Death by a Thousand Cold Cuts"
It just pushed the right button.
posted by CynicalKnight at 4:04 PM on October 12, 2018 [11 favorites]
It just pushed the right button.
posted by CynicalKnight at 4:04 PM on October 12, 2018 [11 favorites]
This is probably extremely you-had-to-be-there, but I was out with my daughter when she was eight or so, and we had been having a really nice day together. As we were driving down the road, talking, I said "Hey, kid, I really love you."
She immediately responded "Some kids at my school eat paper."
I almost had to pull over, I was laughing so hard. No sentimentality in that child.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 4:25 PM on October 12, 2018 [57 favorites]
She immediately responded "Some kids at my school eat paper."
I almost had to pull over, I was laughing so hard. No sentimentality in that child.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 4:25 PM on October 12, 2018 [57 favorites]
I've got a 6-year-old in the house so it's pretty much non-stop hilarity around here. Viz:
Kid: What's that song on my bedtime playlist that's sung by Darth Vader?
Me: ???
Kid: The one that says "If it be your will."
Me: [long pause while I can barely breathe] That's Leonard Cohen.
On a theme established by BeeDo:
When Soren Jr. was a tiny toddler, he fell whilst toddling and started crying. Me and my husband both rushed over, one on each side of him, and we both leaned over to pick him up at the same time and managed to crash our heads together with incredible force. So then we are all crying, for a variety of different reasons.
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:26 PM on October 12, 2018 [35 favorites]
Kid: What's that song on my bedtime playlist that's sung by Darth Vader?
Me: ???
Kid: The one that says "If it be your will."
Me: [long pause while I can barely breathe] That's Leonard Cohen.
On a theme established by BeeDo:
When Soren Jr. was a tiny toddler, he fell whilst toddling and started crying. Me and my husband both rushed over, one on each side of him, and we both leaned over to pick him up at the same time and managed to crash our heads together with incredible force. So then we are all crying, for a variety of different reasons.
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:26 PM on October 12, 2018 [35 favorites]
My husband was winding up an outdoor extension cord after some project, and it kept getting stuck, so he started yanking it, and it got stucker, so he yanked it harder, and it got stucker, so he started to get mad at it and yank it REALLY hard, and just as I'm saying, "Maybe you should just go find what it's caught o--" it comes free and it's got a really heavy outlet end, three outdoor outlets and he gave it a GINORMOUS tug so it whizzes back at high speed and hits him right in the crotch, at which point he lets out a howl of shock, turns white, grabs his crotch, and slowly topples over sideways.
I had to leave the house to go for a walk for half an hour because I could not stop laughing my ass off, which I realize is not sympathetic but crotch-hit compilations on America's Funniest Videos leave me helpless on the floor so seeing one in person was too much!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:35 PM on October 12, 2018 [29 favorites]
I had to leave the house to go for a walk for half an hour because I could not stop laughing my ass off, which I realize is not sympathetic but crotch-hit compilations on America's Funniest Videos leave me helpless on the floor so seeing one in person was too much!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:35 PM on October 12, 2018 [29 favorites]
In college, a friend found a complete, functional, toddler-sized drum kit at the store and purchased it on a whim. Some other friends and I had just taken some shrooms and were waiting for them to kick in. In the midst of this, first friend proceeded to sit down at the tiny drums, and with a completely straight face, began to rock out on them semi-professionally as if they were normal sized. I’m sure the shrooms were at least partially responsible, but in that moment it was funniest thing I had ever seen.
As to what kind of twisted monster would conceive of a drum kit meant for a small child, I cannot speak.
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:36 PM on October 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
As to what kind of twisted monster would conceive of a drum kit meant for a small child, I cannot speak.
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:36 PM on October 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
I have so many moments from live performances - both being part of them, and attending them - that have put me into tears more than anything else, but none of them translate well to text. But I will forever be a fan of live music and acting for the unpredictable elements that lead to humor, intentional or not... from things going wrong, to expectations not matching reality, or just pure surrealness.
The one that sticks out the most to me was during a performance of Phantom of the Opera. My mom was a huge fan, and would drag us (me and my brother) out to a showing every year it came around. So I was pretty well used to seeing it - some things would always be the same, but some things were utterly unpredictable. Like during Masquerade - Having suffered through this multiple times, I was used to seeing the so-called phantom himself come out during this scene in his usual half mask, but for this one performance, he inexplicably came out with a full skull mask - wearing a purple-blue hood, and in blue tights. I instantly fell into fits of quiet sobbing laughter, unable to explain why, with my Mom getting angrier and angrier, and my brother becoming more and more curious. Finally, between gasps, I was just barely able to get out one word - "Skeletor." We had to leave the theater.
To this day, I can put myself in tears of laughter just remembering it, and I can simply say the word "Skeletor" to my brother at any moment and prompt the same reaction. My Mom never got it - she didn't see how it was that funny that he looked like a cartoon villain. The thing is, that in my mind, it was so much more than him looking like Skeletor - in that exact moment, in the span of a few microseconds, he became Skeletor, and I completely reframed Phantom of the Opera in the context of the He-Man universe - it all aligned instantaneously in a way that somehow worked TOO WELL. And somehow, my brother got ALL OF THIS as well, from just the one word.
And that's where this sort of humor is really hard to convey - it takes a certain level of familiarity with specific things that suddenly get reframed in an utterly unexpected way. And if that's the stuff you find most funny, it can be incredibly hard to explain to someone else why you find it that way.
Anyways, I still want to see the Eternian version of Phantom of the Opera.
posted by MysticMCJ at 4:45 PM on October 12, 2018 [32 favorites]
The one that sticks out the most to me was during a performance of Phantom of the Opera. My mom was a huge fan, and would drag us (me and my brother) out to a showing every year it came around. So I was pretty well used to seeing it - some things would always be the same, but some things were utterly unpredictable. Like during Masquerade - Having suffered through this multiple times, I was used to seeing the so-called phantom himself come out during this scene in his usual half mask, but for this one performance, he inexplicably came out with a full skull mask - wearing a purple-blue hood, and in blue tights. I instantly fell into fits of quiet sobbing laughter, unable to explain why, with my Mom getting angrier and angrier, and my brother becoming more and more curious. Finally, between gasps, I was just barely able to get out one word - "Skeletor." We had to leave the theater.
To this day, I can put myself in tears of laughter just remembering it, and I can simply say the word "Skeletor" to my brother at any moment and prompt the same reaction. My Mom never got it - she didn't see how it was that funny that he looked like a cartoon villain. The thing is, that in my mind, it was so much more than him looking like Skeletor - in that exact moment, in the span of a few microseconds, he became Skeletor, and I completely reframed Phantom of the Opera in the context of the He-Man universe - it all aligned instantaneously in a way that somehow worked TOO WELL. And somehow, my brother got ALL OF THIS as well, from just the one word.
And that's where this sort of humor is really hard to convey - it takes a certain level of familiarity with specific things that suddenly get reframed in an utterly unexpected way. And if that's the stuff you find most funny, it can be incredibly hard to explain to someone else why you find it that way.
Anyways, I still want to see the Eternian version of Phantom of the Opera.
posted by MysticMCJ at 4:45 PM on October 12, 2018 [32 favorites]
I'm on public transit right now, two seats away from a coworker, reading these and trying not to explode into hysterical giggles. It's killing me. Like, when I get home I'm seriously going to have to lie down for a while.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 5:08 PM on October 12, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 5:08 PM on October 12, 2018 [5 favorites]
My wife and I were packing one of those POD storage things for a cross country move. Phoenix AZ in October, 90 degrees. Our dear friend Erin is helping end she's this dynamo of endless energy and positivity but even she's flagging after five hours in the heat.
She was struggling to fit one of our nightstands in the pod. After wrestling with it for a while, she BEAMS a huge kind of sly smile and says, "I've got an idea!"
She lifts up the nightstand by the front legs ...and the drawer in the front slams open and smacks her in the forehead with an echoing cavernous WHAP!
It looks for all the world like her amazing bright idea was to clock herself with the drawer. Thankfully she wasn't hurt because we were all laughing so hard we could barely stand. I can still hear the sound and see her confused look.
posted by skullhead at 6:16 PM on October 12, 2018 [17 favorites]
She was struggling to fit one of our nightstands in the pod. After wrestling with it for a while, she BEAMS a huge kind of sly smile and says, "I've got an idea!"
She lifts up the nightstand by the front legs ...and the drawer in the front slams open and smacks her in the forehead with an echoing cavernous WHAP!
It looks for all the world like her amazing bright idea was to clock herself with the drawer. Thankfully she wasn't hurt because we were all laughing so hard we could barely stand. I can still hear the sound and see her confused look.
posted by skullhead at 6:16 PM on October 12, 2018 [17 favorites]
As to what kind of twisted monster would conceive of a drum kit meant for a small child, I cannot speak.
My nomination for funniest off-hand remark in a thread re funny stories.
Related: there is (or at least there was 25 years ago) a toy drum that has a crank on the side that operates a drumstick(?) within. So, a toddler who isn't able to keep track of a stick and/or lacks the coordination to effectively bang on the skin can generate steady drum rolls by simply turning the crank.
I got one for my then 2 year old nephew for xmas. I have no idea what I was thinking when I bought it—i had a three old, so I should have recognized the problem before I made it through checkout. I didn't realize what i had done until I saw the look on my SIL's face as her son opened the box.
posted by she's not there at 6:53 PM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
My nomination for funniest off-hand remark in a thread re funny stories.
Related: there is (or at least there was 25 years ago) a toy drum that has a crank on the side that operates a drumstick(?) within. So, a toddler who isn't able to keep track of a stick and/or lacks the coordination to effectively bang on the skin can generate steady drum rolls by simply turning the crank.
I got one for my then 2 year old nephew for xmas. I have no idea what I was thinking when I bought it—i had a three old, so I should have recognized the problem before I made it through checkout. I didn't realize what i had done until I saw the look on my SIL's face as her son opened the box.
posted by she's not there at 6:53 PM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
I decided to search for a farting manatee gif for lollymccatburglar, but I got stuck at this other manatee gif and now I'm having a hard time keeping myself off the floor.
posted by bilabial at 7:31 PM on October 12, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by bilabial at 7:31 PM on October 12, 2018 [5 favorites]
The funniest and but somewhat saddest thing happened years ago. My ex and I were eating in an upstairs restaurant overlooking a street. A giant dog and his owner stop in front of the building next door and the dog lays a equally giant poo right in the middle of the sidewalk. We spend our entire meal watching people carefully dodge it. Then we see a very frail old woman make her way down the street. We know what is going to happen. We just know it. Just as she is about to reach it, a truck pulls out of the street between the buildings and blocks our view. The truck drives off, and all we can see now is the poor woman trying to wipe her shoes. We were hysterical, mostly from the timing with the truck! Sad that we couldn’t save her.
posted by gryphonlover at 7:37 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by gryphonlover at 7:37 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
Oh, the huge manatee!
posted by Daily Alice at 7:46 PM on October 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by Daily Alice at 7:46 PM on October 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
My father is ridiculously knowledgeable about esoterica, and also acts like this is completely normal. When I was 12, he would start conversations with me by saying things like "You know about Madame Blavatsky, right?" (Though ask him a question about routine matters and he's likely as not to say "How the hell would I know?")
Anyway. One night my family is out to dinner and he points out a framed picture on the wall and says, "That's a reproduction of Breton's bestiary from 1564, don't you think?" and my family is on him. "If you remember the 1560s, you weren't there!" "Don't trust anyone over four hundred and thirty!" It was a glorious roasting which had no long-term effects on anyone's behavior, thank God. We are an absurd tribe and we like it that way.
posted by aws17576 at 7:51 PM on October 12, 2018 [23 favorites]
Anyway. One night my family is out to dinner and he points out a framed picture on the wall and says, "That's a reproduction of Breton's bestiary from 1564, don't you think?" and my family is on him. "If you remember the 1560s, you weren't there!" "Don't trust anyone over four hundred and thirty!" It was a glorious roasting which had no long-term effects on anyone's behavior, thank God. We are an absurd tribe and we like it that way.
posted by aws17576 at 7:51 PM on October 12, 2018 [23 favorites]
dobbs, that kind of humor just seems mean-spirited to me.
TBH my primary feeling was thankfulness that I don't know many people like this/don't know dobbs.
posted by deadwax at 8:01 PM on October 12, 2018 [6 favorites]
TBH my primary feeling was thankfulness that I don't know many people like this/don't know dobbs.
posted by deadwax at 8:01 PM on October 12, 2018 [6 favorites]
The older people accidentally posting inappropriately hilarious gifs to serious situations is what's doing me in right now.
I'm trying to think of some memorable ones, but they're all along the lines of "you had to be there" or "so exhausted that it feels like you're drunk and everything is hysterically funny" or "only funny to people who understand this weird in-joke" that they wouldn't seem hilarious to the average outsider -- which is probably the point of many of these.
One from middle school: my friends and I were having lunch and one of my friend's cousins, a year younger than us, had joined us. She was pretty snotty and we didn't really like her, but tolerated her for our friend's sake. She got into an argument with one of my other friends, who was right about whatever fact they were arguing about, but the cousin stubbornly insisted that she was right because she wasn't an "idiot. I. D. O. T." We lost it, much to her confusion, and to this day, it remains a vague callback when one of us (because my friend and I are still bffs) does something stupid but doesn't want to admit it. "I'm an idot."
Another one, from about a decade ago when my family and I went to Disneyland Paris. We discovered the Peter Pan ride was a bit... exuberant when going around the corners. Instead of a nice, gentle ride in the air on a fake pirate ship, we were whipped through the course like it was Mr. Toad's. This gave all of us the giggles, much to the bafflement of the ride operator at the end as we all laugh-cried our way off the ride. Peter Pan isn't supposed to be that funny! None of us have forgotten about "Peter Pan on speed" and it still makes us laugh, but last year we went back to Disneyland Paris and rode it again. It was much smoother and more sedate -- no more fearing we're going to lose a mast when we turn a corner. It was mildly disappointing, actually.
posted by paisley sheep at 9:23 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm trying to think of some memorable ones, but they're all along the lines of "you had to be there" or "so exhausted that it feels like you're drunk and everything is hysterically funny" or "only funny to people who understand this weird in-joke" that they wouldn't seem hilarious to the average outsider -- which is probably the point of many of these.
One from middle school: my friends and I were having lunch and one of my friend's cousins, a year younger than us, had joined us. She was pretty snotty and we didn't really like her, but tolerated her for our friend's sake. She got into an argument with one of my other friends, who was right about whatever fact they were arguing about, but the cousin stubbornly insisted that she was right because she wasn't an "idiot. I. D. O. T." We lost it, much to her confusion, and to this day, it remains a vague callback when one of us (because my friend and I are still bffs) does something stupid but doesn't want to admit it. "I'm an idot."
Another one, from about a decade ago when my family and I went to Disneyland Paris. We discovered the Peter Pan ride was a bit... exuberant when going around the corners. Instead of a nice, gentle ride in the air on a fake pirate ship, we were whipped through the course like it was Mr. Toad's. This gave all of us the giggles, much to the bafflement of the ride operator at the end as we all laugh-cried our way off the ride. Peter Pan isn't supposed to be that funny! None of us have forgotten about "Peter Pan on speed" and it still makes us laugh, but last year we went back to Disneyland Paris and rode it again. It was much smoother and more sedate -- no more fearing we're going to lose a mast when we turn a corner. It was mildly disappointing, actually.
posted by paisley sheep at 9:23 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
The first thing that came to mind when I saw this thread was a car that my brother’s friend once owned. It was in such poor condition that it honked every time it went over a bump, and for some reason this just destroys me every time I think about it.
Next up we have a Canadian friend of ours, who realized well into her twenties, based on our reactions, that “the kids in my classes would finger each other constantly” was not how people conventionally describe making a particular rude gesture.
Finally, we have a good-natured South African coworker my wife once had, in an office otherwise mostly filled with Americans. He liked to occasionally practice his American accent, and based on media exposure, I guess, one week his go-to practice phrase was “fuhgeddaboutit!” Later that week, he walks into the office and announces that he’s got it, he has it down, and promptly demonstrates by saying, in his Goodfellas-est voice, “Don’ WORRY about it!”
posted by DoctorFedora at 9:30 PM on October 12, 2018 [9 favorites]
Next up we have a Canadian friend of ours, who realized well into her twenties, based on our reactions, that “the kids in my classes would finger each other constantly” was not how people conventionally describe making a particular rude gesture.
Finally, we have a good-natured South African coworker my wife once had, in an office otherwise mostly filled with Americans. He liked to occasionally practice his American accent, and based on media exposure, I guess, one week his go-to practice phrase was “fuhgeddaboutit!” Later that week, he walks into the office and announces that he’s got it, he has it down, and promptly demonstrates by saying, in his Goodfellas-est voice, “Don’ WORRY about it!”
posted by DoctorFedora at 9:30 PM on October 12, 2018 [9 favorites]
My wife has laughed *at* me so hard she cried a couple of times; once when I attempted to jump from one wooden flower box to another and almost but did not quite make it, the other when I farted while we were walking past a bar and an old man walked out the front door and into the wake and said “Oh. OH GAWD!!!”
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:41 PM on October 12, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:41 PM on October 12, 2018 [12 favorites]
My husband has recently been trying to find the perfect water bottle - small enough to fit in a cup holder, big enough to hold a good supply of water, secure enough so thay it won’t leak in your bag, etc. so he’s been ordering a new water bottle every week or so in his quest.
The other day I came home and found he had accidentally ordered a Camelback water bottle that had looked full-size online, but was actually a child-size, basically just one-step-above-a-sippy-cup. I walked in and he was drinking from a sippy cup using his giant man hands, and stubbornly refusing to acknowledge that the bottle was clearly for a toddler and that he had mistakenly ordered the wrong size. I could not stop laughing.
posted by samthemander at 10:07 PM on October 12, 2018 [15 favorites]
The other day I came home and found he had accidentally ordered a Camelback water bottle that had looked full-size online, but was actually a child-size, basically just one-step-above-a-sippy-cup. I walked in and he was drinking from a sippy cup using his giant man hands, and stubbornly refusing to acknowledge that the bottle was clearly for a toddler and that he had mistakenly ordered the wrong size. I could not stop laughing.
posted by samthemander at 10:07 PM on October 12, 2018 [15 favorites]
dephlogisticated's comment about the kid-sized drum set dredged up a memory for me. Back when I was in college at BU, a group of my friends had been talking about making a music video - mostly just for fun, to try out their hand at filming and video editing and whatnot. Basically just pick some angry song and do some kind of goofy video for it. But nobody really had any specifics in mind so it got tossed around for a while without anything actually coming of it.
Well, walking back from the dining hall one day someone found, tossed out to the curb with the trash, a bedraggled, one-eyed but bright pink and still perfectly functional Pianosaurus. And that was it. Suddenly we had the star of our music video. It got brought back to the dorm and passed around and everybody was getting excited about the possibilities when another guy in the dorm, Lucas, happened by and saw the Pianosaurus and was like, "Hey, I have one of those!" After some discussion, he agreed to get it for us to include it in the music video, on the condition that we also work a lot of asparagus into the video. (Lucas was like that.) So now there were 2 Pianosauruses (Lucas's was, it must be noted, in much better condition!) and a couple bunches of asparagus to star in the film. The initial gang behind the project roped in me and several others and for a couple weeks we helped them film the Pianosauruses and sometimes the asparagus in a bunch of odd places all over campus and nearby Brookline and Boston. This resulted in a bunch of laugh-out-loud moments for us but I'm not sure I remember them well enough to give details and even if I did I suspect most of them fall into the too-hard-to-explain, anyway-you-had-to-be-there category.
The final product (the video, that is - I expect the Pianosaurus has long since shuffled off this mortal coil), however, survives to this day (CW: NSFW lyrics & title), thanks to the fact that the Internet never forgets anything. Complete with overlaid audio tracks of Lucas plinking away on a Pianosaurus. There are a bunch of moments in it that make me laugh (I dunno how well they translate if you weren't there for the filming), but most of all it's at 0:59 when the toaster pops that for some reason, even to this day, never fails to make me lose it in a fit of giggles.
posted by mstokes650 at 10:11 PM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
Well, walking back from the dining hall one day someone found, tossed out to the curb with the trash, a bedraggled, one-eyed but bright pink and still perfectly functional Pianosaurus. And that was it. Suddenly we had the star of our music video. It got brought back to the dorm and passed around and everybody was getting excited about the possibilities when another guy in the dorm, Lucas, happened by and saw the Pianosaurus and was like, "Hey, I have one of those!" After some discussion, he agreed to get it for us to include it in the music video, on the condition that we also work a lot of asparagus into the video. (Lucas was like that.) So now there were 2 Pianosauruses (Lucas's was, it must be noted, in much better condition!) and a couple bunches of asparagus to star in the film. The initial gang behind the project roped in me and several others and for a couple weeks we helped them film the Pianosauruses and sometimes the asparagus in a bunch of odd places all over campus and nearby Brookline and Boston. This resulted in a bunch of laugh-out-loud moments for us but I'm not sure I remember them well enough to give details and even if I did I suspect most of them fall into the too-hard-to-explain, anyway-you-had-to-be-there category.
The final product (the video, that is - I expect the Pianosaurus has long since shuffled off this mortal coil), however, survives to this day (CW: NSFW lyrics & title), thanks to the fact that the Internet never forgets anything. Complete with overlaid audio tracks of Lucas plinking away on a Pianosaurus. There are a bunch of moments in it that make me laugh (I dunno how well they translate if you weren't there for the filming), but most of all it's at 0:59 when the toaster pops that for some reason, even to this day, never fails to make me lose it in a fit of giggles.
posted by mstokes650 at 10:11 PM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
My wife and I have an electric Moka pot style caffettiera that she has had since we first started dating.
It has a little button that pops out when it's finished brewing. One day, when it had done its usual brewing job, I remarked "The coffee maker just went pop."
"It must be a weasel," she deadpanned, with zero pause for thought. She has a gift at this kind of thing.
I fell over. I have rarely laughed so hard. It was many minutes before I recovered.
The device is now officially known in our household as The Weasel.
posted by But tomorrow is another day... at 10:20 PM on October 12, 2018 [5 favorites]
It has a little button that pops out when it's finished brewing. One day, when it had done its usual brewing job, I remarked "The coffee maker just went pop."
"It must be a weasel," she deadpanned, with zero pause for thought. She has a gift at this kind of thing.
I fell over. I have rarely laughed so hard. It was many minutes before I recovered.
The device is now officially known in our household as The Weasel.
posted by But tomorrow is another day... at 10:20 PM on October 12, 2018 [5 favorites]
Dad: [makes some remark that's been lost to time]
Mom, mock offended: Are you calling me old??
Dad: I would never DREAM of calling you fat.
...
...
...
e-either.
posted by hishtafel at 10:39 PM on October 12, 2018 [5 favorites]
Mom, mock offended: Are you calling me old??
Dad: I would never DREAM of calling you fat.
...
...
...
e-either.
posted by hishtafel at 10:39 PM on October 12, 2018 [5 favorites]
I have rarely laughed/cried so much as I did looking at this gif for like 30 minutes straight. It gets funnier the more time you look at it.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 11:55 PM on October 12, 2018 [16 favorites]
posted by CrazyLemonade at 11:55 PM on October 12, 2018 [16 favorites]
dobbs, that kind of humor just seems mean-spirited to me.
I believe that's just the way it's coming across online as there's nothing mean about it. The people who are involved in these conversations continue to tell them themselves as funny stories years later. Many times I've had ones I'd forgotten about come back to me from third parties (or strangers to me) told to them by the one who fell for the tale in the first place.
Seeing the humor in, and being able to laugh at, your own gullibility is a strength as far as I'm concerned.
TBH my primary feeling was thankfulness that I don't know many people like this/don't know dobbs.
You should get out more. We're awesome.
posted by dobbs at 8:22 AM on October 13, 2018 [5 favorites]
I believe that's just the way it's coming across online as there's nothing mean about it. The people who are involved in these conversations continue to tell them themselves as funny stories years later. Many times I've had ones I'd forgotten about come back to me from third parties (or strangers to me) told to them by the one who fell for the tale in the first place.
Seeing the humor in, and being able to laugh at, your own gullibility is a strength as far as I'm concerned.
TBH my primary feeling was thankfulness that I don't know many people like this/don't know dobbs.
You should get out more. We're awesome.
posted by dobbs at 8:22 AM on October 13, 2018 [5 favorites]
Oh my God, I have to stop reading this at work. Trying not to laugh out loud is getting painful.
posted by sarcasticah at 8:32 AM on October 13, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by sarcasticah at 8:32 AM on October 13, 2018 [1 favorite]
My mom used to be a pretty avid birdwatcher. years ago, when I was about 14 or 15, we had taken a family road trip to Florida, and mom had brought her binoculars and bird book along, happy to have the chance to see some new and different birds. We were driving along the highway, and she was peering out the window with her binoculars, hoping to spy birds, and suddenly exclaimed "Oh my God, look at the size of that bird!! No... wait... never mind." It was an airplane.
posted by sarcasticah at 8:37 AM on October 13, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by sarcasticah at 8:37 AM on October 13, 2018 [5 favorites]
Years ago I was working as a freelance web developer, and my best friend wanted me to meet his boss as a potential client. My friend was running quite late, but while waiting, Boss and I found that we got along famously. We decide it would be a funny prank to pretend to have a big argument in front of Friend when he arrives. My assignment was to start it off by calling one of Boss's ideas "dumb."
Friend arrives, and we're all business. Boss keeps trying to tee me up, but I keep chickening out. About an hour into pleasant business talk Boss yells "I JUST CAN'T DO IT!" and we both died laughing, while Friend looked very confused and concerned. I believe I slapped the table.
On another occasion, when I was a kid, in the old days when gas stations were first flirting with integrated restaurants, my family drove past a brand-new gas station with a Wendy's in it. My mom remarked that this was strange, and joked that maybe the gas pumps dispense ketchup. I swear all I did was say "Ding!" and my mom laughed so hard that she only occasionally dropped into the range of human hearing and for the rest of the drive we all had hair laugh triggers.
Oh geez I have loads of these. Good times.
posted by Hot Pastrami! at 9:42 AM on October 13, 2018 [4 favorites]
Friend arrives, and we're all business. Boss keeps trying to tee me up, but I keep chickening out. About an hour into pleasant business talk Boss yells "I JUST CAN'T DO IT!" and we both died laughing, while Friend looked very confused and concerned. I believe I slapped the table.
On another occasion, when I was a kid, in the old days when gas stations were first flirting with integrated restaurants, my family drove past a brand-new gas station with a Wendy's in it. My mom remarked that this was strange, and joked that maybe the gas pumps dispense ketchup. I swear all I did was say "Ding!" and my mom laughed so hard that she only occasionally dropped into the range of human hearing and for the rest of the drive we all had hair laugh triggers.
Oh geez I have loads of these. Good times.
posted by Hot Pastrami! at 9:42 AM on October 13, 2018 [4 favorites]
I have rarely laughed/cried so much as I did looking at this gif for like 30 minutes straight. It gets funnier the more time you look at it.
Oh god, the beat that passes before its doofy little tail deflates.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:03 PM on October 13, 2018 [10 favorites]
Oh god, the beat that passes before its doofy little tail deflates.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:03 PM on October 13, 2018 [10 favorites]
We had spirit week in high school, and to this day group events make me twitchy, and back then I thought I was smarter than everybody else, and a) spirit week was stupid because who cared about school spirit b) spirit week was stupid because how do you show your spirit with clash day. You wear an orange sweater and purple pants and that somehow proves something? So fucking stupid.
I also had a problem with getting fits of the giggles and these giggles becoming, like, life threatening if I'm in a situation where I shouldn't be laughing, it just becomes impossible to breathe.
And on hat day of spirit week, this kid opens my eyes to the possibility of spirit week. Because he has a baseball cap, and on the brim of the cap is the rear end of plushy horse, with its tail raised, and little round plushy balls of horse shit underneath the brim.
Reader, I was impressed. Suddenly spirit week was worthwhile. This was a kid who had somehow got his hands on an actual hat with a horse shitting on it and wore it to school. This kid took on superhero properties. I sat behind him in history, gazing at what I could see of that horse hat.
Another kid in the class was apparently equally mesmerized, and he was sitting next to the horse hat guy. The mesmerized kid stretched to cover his intentions and then brought his pencil up and over the hat kids head so that he could try to stick his pencil up the horse's ass. As one does.
Then the hat kid, who'd been oblivious to this attack, looked up and saw the pencil coming for the top of his head/the horse's ass. He flinched, and his attacker, apparently alarmed at the discovery, didn't just drop the pencil but flung it across the room in some spasm of surprise.
I was at the back of the class, in keeping with my general wanting to not participate in anything mode, and I was the only one who'd seen the whole thing.
I have this clear memory of being bent double, gasping for air, tears coming down my face, trying to walk out of the class because the teacher kicked me out for being disruptive, which made me upset but I was still howling with laughter.
posted by angrycat at 2:06 PM on October 13, 2018 [7 favorites]
I also had a problem with getting fits of the giggles and these giggles becoming, like, life threatening if I'm in a situation where I shouldn't be laughing, it just becomes impossible to breathe.
And on hat day of spirit week, this kid opens my eyes to the possibility of spirit week. Because he has a baseball cap, and on the brim of the cap is the rear end of plushy horse, with its tail raised, and little round plushy balls of horse shit underneath the brim.
Reader, I was impressed. Suddenly spirit week was worthwhile. This was a kid who had somehow got his hands on an actual hat with a horse shitting on it and wore it to school. This kid took on superhero properties. I sat behind him in history, gazing at what I could see of that horse hat.
Another kid in the class was apparently equally mesmerized, and he was sitting next to the horse hat guy. The mesmerized kid stretched to cover his intentions and then brought his pencil up and over the hat kids head so that he could try to stick his pencil up the horse's ass. As one does.
Then the hat kid, who'd been oblivious to this attack, looked up and saw the pencil coming for the top of his head/the horse's ass. He flinched, and his attacker, apparently alarmed at the discovery, didn't just drop the pencil but flung it across the room in some spasm of surprise.
I was at the back of the class, in keeping with my general wanting to not participate in anything mode, and I was the only one who'd seen the whole thing.
I have this clear memory of being bent double, gasping for air, tears coming down my face, trying to walk out of the class because the teacher kicked me out for being disruptive, which made me upset but I was still howling with laughter.
posted by angrycat at 2:06 PM on October 13, 2018 [7 favorites]
My high school history teacher used to mark our province-wide exams and told us his favourite opening line ever in a WW2 essay, which was: "Hitler had begun to spread his testicles across Europe". He was pretty sure the kid meant tentacles, but one couldn't know for certain. I still laugh thinking about this 20 years later and sometimes can't even tell the story without cry-laughing.
posted by just_ducky at 3:58 PM on October 13, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by just_ducky at 3:58 PM on October 13, 2018 [12 favorites]
The beloved and I sometimes do rhyming couplets.
A few years ago, I was undressing for bed, and I had been working out a lot recently, and she said "you are so muscular" and with my gift for enhancing erotic moments I instantly replied "the cat is crepuscular."
Well he is.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:06 PM on October 13, 2018 [10 favorites]
A few years ago, I was undressing for bed, and I had been working out a lot recently, and she said "you are so muscular" and with my gift for enhancing erotic moments I instantly replied "the cat is crepuscular."
Well he is.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:06 PM on October 13, 2018 [10 favorites]
Working on my Queer Lady Magician show:
The Assistant: The wand is SUCH a phallic symbol. [Spoiler Item Here] is SUCH a phallic symbol.
Our SM: There's SO MANY phallic symbols in this show.
Me: (to the Assistant) YOU'RE a phallic symbol.
Given that the Assistant is being played by a white guy and his character is basically Toxic Masculinity in a nutshell, this assessment is entirely accurate and also a never ending source of injokes.
posted by divabat at 6:07 PM on October 13, 2018 [4 favorites]
The Assistant: The wand is SUCH a phallic symbol. [Spoiler Item Here] is SUCH a phallic symbol.
Our SM: There's SO MANY phallic symbols in this show.
Me: (to the Assistant) YOU'RE a phallic symbol.
Given that the Assistant is being played by a white guy and his character is basically Toxic Masculinity in a nutshell, this assessment is entirely accurate and also a never ending source of injokes.
posted by divabat at 6:07 PM on October 13, 2018 [4 favorites]
Son is a toddler, just beginning to eat normal human foods. We made spaghetti. He loved it. He loved it so much that he smeared the sauce all over his face while eating it. My wife started to lose it - she can’t breathe, she can’t make a sound, just barely manages to gasp “he looks like an oompa-loompa” and that was it, 8 was laughing just as hard as she was, he started to laugh as well which just made it worse, and we were all 3 done for the night. We somewhere have a photo of him, orange face and all, that we will pull out to embarrass him with at his high school graduation...
In college, at a bank, woman in front of me wearing a fur. Another person asks her if the fur is real. She answers “It’s fox fur. (Sigh) I wish it was real...” I ran out of the bank before I could lose my shit, she apparently had no idea how to pronounce “faux”...
In church as a kid. Woman in the pew in front of us lays her fur coat down so that it hung over the back of the pew a bit. I reached out to touch it because it looked so soft. My little brother leaned over to me just as I touched it, and said, deadpan, “it’s dead.” My dad had to escort both of us out of the service.
posted by caution live frogs at 7:34 AM on October 14, 2018 [7 favorites]
In college, at a bank, woman in front of me wearing a fur. Another person asks her if the fur is real. She answers “It’s fox fur. (Sigh) I wish it was real...” I ran out of the bank before I could lose my shit, she apparently had no idea how to pronounce “faux”...
In church as a kid. Woman in the pew in front of us lays her fur coat down so that it hung over the back of the pew a bit. I reached out to touch it because it looked so soft. My little brother leaned over to me just as I touched it, and said, deadpan, “it’s dead.” My dad had to escort both of us out of the service.
posted by caution live frogs at 7:34 AM on October 14, 2018 [7 favorites]
Okay, I've been outed because a Friend of the Plate is apparently on Metafilter and now I'm loling for real
posted by sunset in snow country at 10:05 AM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by sunset in snow country at 10:05 AM on October 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
sunset in snow country: The Plate is an amazing story and totally the sort of shit I'd pull, as someone who enjoys taking jokes to absurdist conclusions.
(Right now I'm waiting for a shipment of two badges with the word "WHY" printed in Retro Wave Meme form to gift to The Assistant because that's how he responds to every damn compliment and the Retro Wave colors are his fave)
posted by divabat at 3:46 PM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
(Right now I'm waiting for a shipment of two badges with the word "WHY" printed in Retro Wave Meme form to gift to The Assistant because that's how he responds to every damn compliment and the Retro Wave colors are his fave)
posted by divabat at 3:46 PM on October 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Oh, thank you so much for this thread...I had had an argument with my mother and was feeling awful, and then I clicked on this link and was soon laughing so hard that I had tears streaming down my cheeks and was starting to full-on sob-wheeze from laughter. My mother came into the room to check what all the fuss was about and I tried to read out a few of the tweets to her but couldn't because i was laughing too hard. Finally I was able to read out the 'Hi Jeffrey, I am afraid' tweet and set her off too. Now harmony has been restored in the Ziggy household.
posted by Ziggy500 at 6:05 PM on October 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Ziggy500 at 6:05 PM on October 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
To understand the background here you have to know that my mom lets things sit in her refrigerator until they're well past the expiration date. This means that her half and half will often separate so she'll have to shake it to get it to mix again. I realize this is gross and she shouldn't drink expired half and half but she doesn't listen to me.
We recently went to visit a friend of hers who she wanted me to meet and he, being a gracious host, served coffee along with a brand-spanking new, unexpired carton of half and half. Unbeknownst to my mother, he opened the half and half in the kitchen before presenting to us. So of course she grabs it and shakes it like her life depends on it.
Half and half: on the ceiling. Me and her friend: in tears. Mom: mortified.
posted by zeusianfog at 12:55 PM on October 15, 2018 [5 favorites]
We recently went to visit a friend of hers who she wanted me to meet and he, being a gracious host, served coffee along with a brand-spanking new, unexpired carton of half and half. Unbeknownst to my mother, he opened the half and half in the kitchen before presenting to us. So of course she grabs it and shakes it like her life depends on it.
Half and half: on the ceiling. Me and her friend: in tears. Mom: mortified.
posted by zeusianfog at 12:55 PM on October 15, 2018 [5 favorites]
I just thought of another one. This was at pub trivia. The question was "What is Sheldon Cooper's catchphrase on The Big Bang Theory?" and I accidentally wrote down "Bazigna!" Trying to pronounce this as though it's an Italian word sent me into gasping-for-breath level laughter all night and I still can't help grinning when I think of it. Bazigna!
posted by capricorn at 9:27 AM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by capricorn at 9:27 AM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
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posted by trillian at 12:48 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]