Satan Claus

December 20, 2004 9:50 AM

Tell your kids the real Christmas Story. Revelation 12 A great and wondrous sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born.
(interesting. I never knew God asked Tolkien to write part of the bible.)
posted by Hands of Manos (27 comments total)

I had a similar vision last night when I dropped LSD.
posted by asianmack at 9:52 AM on December 20, 2004

that's it...God promotes LSD

I'm tellin' the governmnet!
posted by Hands of Manos at 9:54 AM on December 20, 2004

What follows may make the Apocalypse of St. John look like the Magic Roundabout. Hands of Manos, if you don't believe in God at the moment, then right about now would be a great time to fall on your knees and start prayin'.
posted by john-paul at 9:57 AM on December 20, 2004

New International Version, huh? That's some fix to the stories I was read as a kid.
posted by mystyk at 10:12 AM on December 20, 2004

Congratulations. You've discovered the last book of the Bible. And this is FP worthy because...?

Here is the The real story of Christmas or try the revered wikipedia.
posted by spock at 10:13 AM on December 20, 2004

I'm totally suing the Church after I devour a baby. I was going to sue Metallica, but the Church has more money than God!
posted by ba at 10:15 AM on December 20, 2004

Wow. Quotations from the Bible count as posts now? Is this meant to draw our attention to Jewish apocalyptic and its influence on the New Testament? 'Cause that might make an interesting post.
posted by footballrabi at 10:16 AM on December 20, 2004

Spock,

I'll give you two options on how I will respond to you.

Option #1. you can rephrase your question without the sarcasm and I'll be happy to answer you.

Option #2. You can email me and we can hash this out privately....but I'm not going to engage someone trolling my threads for a flamefest. My email is on my profile, feel free to contact me that way. I will be here for about 30-40 more minutes

If you choose not to do either of those options, then I will be ignoring your responses.
posted by Hands of Manos at 10:20 AM on December 20, 2004

Don't let the haters get you down, Hands of Manos. This is awesome!
posted by Mayor Curley at 10:21 AM on December 20, 2004

And this is FP worthy because...?

Try following the link. It's comparative, across different versions and different languages, which I find fascinating and elucidating. For a non-christian like myself who views this as important literature, such a tool is really really cool, and I thank the poster for it as I add it to my del.icio.us feed....

Usually with this kind of thing I like to mock the bland versions of things like Genesis in the "new", more "understandable" versions. But this has even more: this is FP worthy because I can find the following:


Jenèz 1 (Hatian Creole Version)
Hatian Creole Version (HCV)

Jenèz 1
1¶ Nan konmansman, Bondye kreye syèl la ak latè a.

2Men latè pa t' gen fòm, li pa t' gen anyen sou li. Fènwa te kouvri toupatou. Lespri Bondye t'ap plane sou dlo ki te kouvri tout latè.

3¶ Bondye di. Se pou limyè fèt. Epi limyè te fè

posted by freebird at 10:22 AM on December 20, 2004

Hell, its better than the old story.

But it'd be better if there were more car chases. And shootouts.

And glowing in the presence of bullshit quonsarfish! Not that I think this post is bullshit, I like it.
posted by fenriq at 10:23 AM on December 20, 2004

footballrabi:

1. There have been worst posts
2. Given the context of the season that is celebrated by Christians and that this is a different slant on the traditional Christmas Story, I found it appropriate.

Please feel free to campaign to Matt about removing my post if you do not find it FPP worthy or you could bitch to Hell and Back on MeTA about me if you feel the need.

we need more flaming on MeFI
posted by Hands of Manos at 10:23 AM on December 20, 2004

oh and please disregard my terrible grammar (run on sentences). I don't have an excuse...I just forgot to check it before I hit "post."
posted by Hands of Manos at 10:25 AM on December 20, 2004

A verse from the Bible, best of the Web? Say it ain't so, Joe!

It's a different twist on the traditional Christmas story because it's an altogether different story. The bible's big, with more than one story in it. This being "the Christmas story" is as absurd as Lot's wife being turned to a pillar of salt being the Christmas story.

(If your justification for posting is "other people post worse stuff", you may wish to raise the bar a bit.)
posted by mendel at 10:27 AM on December 20, 2004

freebird, yes, the "versioning" is pretty interesting- compare it to the King James Version (still the old school standard, I believe?).

But OMFG this is a horrible FPP.

The secret to comedy is timing. The secret to MeFi is context.
posted by mkultra at 10:29 AM on December 20, 2004

bitch to Hell and Back on MeTA about me if you feel the need

NSSTD.
posted by DrJohnEvans at 10:29 AM on December 20, 2004

mendel. Agreed and my apologies.

I have a feeling this will be removed and we'll all be happy.
posted by Hands of Manos at 10:30 AM on December 20, 2004

From spock's first link:

"The ancient Greek writer poet and historian Lucian (in his dialogue entitled Saturnalia) describes the festival’s observance in his time. In addition to human sacrifice, he mentions these customs: widespread intoxication; going from house to house while singing naked; rape and other sexual license; and consuming human-shaped biscuits (still produced in some English and most German bakeries during the Christmas season)."

Man, and I thought xmas was getting out of hand at my house.
posted by Outlawyr at 10:30 AM on December 20, 2004

Revelations is trippy. Maybe I'll read this "New International Version" (thanks, manos!)

Every culture has a story of a virgin-birth and a savior from out of the East. Maybe we should delve into some of these to round out the thread?
posted by Shane at 10:35 AM on December 20, 2004

new takes are always worth a read.
posted by garfield at 10:39 AM on December 20, 2004

Dearest Hands of Manos,
Please forgive the tone of my earlier question. If there is one thing that I dislike about MeFi, it is people carping about the worthiness of a post for the front page. However, I must admit that I have never seen something quite as lame (IMHO) as simply linking to a particular Bible translation's rendering of a scriptural passage - particularly with the assertion that it had something to do with "the real Christmas story". Your Tolkien reference also made it appear that you have only recently read the book of Revelations, thus my hearty "congratulations".

No doubt it is codependent of me, but I cringe when a relative newcomer to MeFi (like myself) behaves as such. I have never "cottoned to" trolls myself, so we (no doubt) have much in common. Thank you so much for outlining my options so that I might not have to endure the emotional pain of your ignoring my responses.

Sincerely,
spock
posted by spock at 10:40 AM on December 20, 2004

To tell the Real Christmas Story it becomes necessary to dispel a few incorrect notions that have been passed down through the years.

1) Jesus was NOT born on December 25th.

2) The Christmas tree is a pagan symbol.

3) The Three Wise Men did NOT visit the "baby in a manger."

4) Elves and Santa are NOT real. (really!)

5) Your gifts came from WalMart and were made in China.

6) The Grinch can bite me.

How do you like that kids? Want to hear another story? Its about Easter!
posted by nofundy at 10:43 AM on December 20, 2004

Post quality was improved when I clicked on the ReverendFun link at the top of the page.

Apropos.
posted by Wolfdog at 10:46 AM on December 20, 2004

...5) Your gifts came from WalMart and were made in China.

...How do you like that kids? Want to hear another story? Its about Easter!

Lord knows where the cocoa's coming from.
posted by AlexReynolds at 10:47 AM on December 20, 2004

For more trippiness, try Daniel and Ezekiel, which is more or less what footballrabi said.

Also, what mendel said.
posted by weston at 10:52 AM on December 20, 2004

From spock's first link:
Many of the most popular Christmas customs – including Christmas trees, mistletoe, Christmas presents, and Santa Claus – are modern incarnations of the most depraved pagan rituals ever practiced on earth.

I'm about the last person on Earth to defend Xmas, but this is outlandish. Decorating a tree? Mistletoe? Lights in windows? Gingerbread men? The tree-oriented rituals celebrated fertility, especially during the dark months of the winter when there was little left to do but hunker down and scrump. Lights in windows grew out of the tradition of placing torches out to guide lost souls (especially of family members) to sacred groves and thus, to a "way out." Man-shaped cookies (mmm mmm good!) were another form of fertility blessing. I don't recall eating babies and goat sodomy to have modern analogs in the Xmas tradition, and frankly, cannibalistic and bestial perceptions about the old ways are simply a sign of how pervasive the Xtian propaganda machine has been over the last millennia. Not that these things didn't go on, but they we no where near as prevalent as the modern stereotype-monger would lead you to believe.

I did agree with a majority of that link, but it gets a wee bit hot at the end.
posted by moonbird at 10:53 AM on December 20, 2004

Upon further review, I would like to ask Hands of Manos if he sees it as inconsistent for someone who claims to believe that Jesus visited him in a dream (covered in blue lightning bolts) to be so incredulous about the account of the apostle John describing a vision? (See Rev. 1:1)

Seems to me that you could relate better than most of us.
posted by spock at 10:53 AM on December 20, 2004