Halliburton: Your Future, Like it or Not.

June 16, 2006 11:11 AM

Introducing the SurvivaBall™, from Halliburton. Unveiled at the LexisNexis Catastrophic Loss Conference, the SurvivaBall™ is a "one-size-fits-all solution to global warming."
posted by monju_bosatsu (35 comments total)

"The SurvivaBall is designed to protect the corporate manager no matter what Mother Nature throws his or her way," said Fred Wolf, a Halliburton representative who spoke today at the Catastrophic Loss conference held at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Amelia Island, Florida. "This technology is the only rational response to abrupt climate change," he said to an attentive and appreciative audience.

Most scientists believe global warming is certain to cause an accelerating onslaught of hurricanes, floods, droughts, tornadoes, etc. and that a world-destroying disaster is increasingly possible. For example, Arctic melt has slowed the Gulf Stream by 30% in just the last decade; if the Gulf Stream stops, Europe will suddenly become just as cold as Alaska. Global heat and flooding events are also increasingly possible.

In order to head off such catastrophic scenarios, scientists agree we must reduce our carbon emissions by 70% within the next few years. Doing that would seriously undermine corporate profits, however, and so a more forward-thinking solution is needed.

At today's conference, Wolf and a colleague demonstrated three SurvivaBall mockups, and described how the units will sustainably protect managers from natural or cultural disturbances of any intensity or duration. The devices - looking like huge inflatable orbs - will include sophisticated communications systems, nutrient gathering capacities, onboard medical facilities, and a daunting defense infrastructure to ensure that the corporate mission will not go unfulfilled even when most human life is rendered impossible by catastrophes or the consequent epidemics and armed conflicts.

"It's essentially a gated community for one," said Wolf.

Other companies and organizations on the cutting edge of the global energy, climate, and sustenance fights are ExxonMobil, Cargill, Coca-Cola, Dow, and the American Petroleum Institute.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 11:11 AM on June 16, 2006

Double.
posted by russilwvong at 11:14 AM on June 16, 2006

Crap. Oh, well.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 11:15 AM on June 16, 2006

actually this is at least the 4th if not the 5th time i've seen this on mefi. Not chastising or anything, just amazed that it keeps coming up.
posted by jrb223 at 11:19 AM on June 16, 2006

What a n00b.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 11:22 AM on June 16, 2006

Yeah, I feel like I have seen this posted at least three times before this. I wonder if we should have a contest to see what the most double-posted site in the history of Metafilter is. Also not chastising.
posted by ND¢ at 11:23 AM on June 16, 2006

I know this has been posted at least 3 times that I can recall. But I think there was a quadruple, as well. Which would make this a quintuple post. Why is halliburtoncontracts not showing up as a double?

Needless to say, this has been posted before, and if you wanted to post it again monju_bosatsu, you should have at least put a on the end of your post. Then it would be a ok.
posted by dios at 11:25 AM on June 16, 2006

I just posted it a week or two ago, and it was a triple then.
posted by jonson at 11:27 AM on June 16, 2006

Yeah, I swiped the link from your blog, jonson.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 11:29 AM on June 16, 2006

Serious policy question here: if one obviates the fact the post is a double, does one need to post to get around the triple? for a quad? Etc...
posted by dios at 11:30 AM on June 16, 2006

Here we go again....
posted by eriko at 11:32 AM on June 16, 2006

Heh. I managed to miss it the first time around, er, second time around, I mean, the third time around.

Thanks for the refresher?
posted by Atreides at 11:43 AM on June 16, 2006

what's Halliburton?
posted by matteo at 11:49 AM on June 16, 2006

Excellent post, somehow I hadn't seen this yet. Not to worry, if you hadn't posted it someone would.
posted by econous at 11:50 AM on June 16, 2006

Yeah, I skipped the other ones, too.

I assume the observation that the Survivor Balled Coporate Managers look like blood-sucking ticks has already been made.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:56 AM on June 16, 2006

I've never seen this particular product before.

It's a hilarious joke, right? Because climate change is teh funny?

Must I retune my snarkoscope?
posted by butterstick at 12:02 PM on June 16, 2006

I'd rather use duct tape and plastic.
posted by Smedleyman at 12:03 PM on June 16, 2006

econous writes 'Not to worry, if you hadn't posted it someone would'
Somebody did. Two somebodies, in fact. Somebody will, again. And again. Again.
'Til the end of time.
posted by signal at 12:04 PM on June 16, 2006

Last comment before hilarious inline images are added that make this thread unkillable by the whimsy-loving Matt!
posted by soyjoy at 12:08 PM on June 16, 2006

posted by If I Had An Anus at 12:34 PM on June 16, 2006

I thought the secondary links were worh it.
posted by sourwookie at 12:54 PM on June 16, 2006

with reference to the link in If I Had An Anus's first picture, why do cuddle parties exist?
posted by jrb223 at 12:57 PM on June 16, 2006

posted by CynicalKnight at 1:08 PM on June 16, 2006

It's a hilarious joke, right? Because climate change is teh funny?

Yes it is. The Yes Men.
posted by atrazine at 1:29 PM on June 16, 2006

Yes it is. The Yes Men.

To whom I linked in my first comment.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 1:32 PM on June 16, 2006

0wnz0r3d!

What's the red circle?
posted by mkultra at 1:35 PM on June 16, 2006

*digs hole in sand for head of manager*
posted by Cranberry at 1:55 PM on June 16, 2006

I have an image of a dog barfing from the ceiling, is it appropriate to in-line it in this thread? If not, why not? More importantly is it cool to ask this question in this forum or does etiquette demand it be posted elsewhere? If elsewhere then is MetaTalk or AskMeta more appropriate? I'm thinking MetaTalk, as the question relates directly to MetaFilter. 'I have such questions to ask you.'
posted by econous at 2:02 PM on June 16, 2006

Isn't complaining that something is a second or third time post -- about the same as making it a fourth and fifth?

n00b?.......Teh?

Give me five front page posts of everything compared to having to read that kind of stuff.

Teh?.....good lord....we stilll have elementary schools in this country right?
posted by timsteil at 2:25 PM on June 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

teh
shibboleth failure
cabal alert
posted by sonofsamiam at 2:28 PM on June 16, 2006

posted by monju_bosatsu at 2:28 PM on June 16, 2006

I love those guys. The Yes Men that is.
posted by disgruntled at 2:57 PM on June 16, 2006

posted by analogue at 3:03 PM on June 16, 2006

Here I was thinking I'd found my soulmate who also loves fucking grammar nazis
posted by raedyn at 3:03 PM on June 16, 2006

Wow. I can't believe someone I don't know visited my blog. All those weeks of writing hilarious & insightful comments and posting amazing links every day have finally paid off! I'm retiring from the internet.
posted by jonson at 3:32 PM on June 16, 2006