It all comes out in the wash

August 4, 2006 7:41 PM

A crash course in how to collect semen from your bull. You're probably going to want to start with a Breeding Soundness Examination [NSF anyone with eyes. Oh god.] Decide if you want to go with an artificial vagina or electroejaculation. Remember that "Successful electroejaculation of an animal demands skill. It is not simply a matter of punching buttons and turning knobs, but requires finesse in determining the proper timing and amplitude of pulses to apply to a given male. " Read the guidelines for making your artificial vagina and get more info on when to use the shocker. Then evaluate the semen for abnorabilities. Try not to lose any as it can be fairly valuable. For a good overview, consider attending this course.
posted by hindmost (21 comments total)

If Bull Semen isn't to your taste (ewwwww!), you can go retail and purchase Boar Semen from here.
posted by jonson at 7:49 PM on August 4, 2006

I was a little surprised to find out that sperm is also collected from roosters.
posted by clevershark at 8:09 PM on August 4, 2006

Are bulls with abnorabilities like superheroes among bulls? Or bulls with developmental delays?
posted by cgc373 at 8:13 PM on August 4, 2006

So far, the comments are a cock and bull story.
posted by Tube at 8:15 PM on August 4, 2006

Can I have my five dollars back now?
posted by paxton at 8:16 PM on August 4, 2006

Why is ejaculation necessary? Why not just stick a needle in the epididymis and get it out that way?
posted by geoff. at 8:24 PM on August 4, 2006

Why not just stick a needle in the epididymis

You first.
posted by sluglicker at 8:27 PM on August 4, 2006 [2 favorites]

Why not just stick a needle in the epididymis and get it out that way?
Would lose some of the romance I assume. For the bull, anyway.
posted by hal9k at 8:29 PM on August 4, 2006

Standard equine repro veterinary stuff. Gloves used for the gyn exam. Mare bondage. AI, artificial insemination.

Elephants reproduce too.

The Baculum is a unique bone found in the penis of most mammals. This bone aids in copulation when mates have only a short encounter and need to perform quickly. The Baculum is sometimes referred to a “hillbilly or mountain man toothpick” and can be utilized as a coffee stirrer. The largest Baculum in the mammal kingdom belongs to the walrus, which can reach a length of 30 inches.

Dogs get stuck together after sex, thus the eggs have a better chance of getting fertilised.

Sometimes animals can get confused.
posted by nickyskye at 8:34 PM on August 4, 2006

Three probes are shown below - the upper one is a commercial product for bulls and the lower probes were hand-made for use with small leopards (middle) and ferrets (bottom).

I don't even know where to begin with this thread — it could very well be the motherload [sic]!

Oh, and ... eponysterical.
posted by rob511 at 8:39 PM on August 4, 2006

I myself am a fan of electroejaculation.
posted by Sailor Martin at 8:44 PM on August 4, 2006

Oh....I totally get that joke from Clerks now!
posted by Smedleyman at 8:47 PM on August 4, 2006

"You cannot diagnose a corkscrew penis when electroejaculating a bull."

Noted.
posted by The Tensor at 8:53 PM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

Elephants reproduce too.

That's a relief. If they didn't, you'd be looking at a flock of herniated storks.
posted by kaemaril at 9:28 PM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

Decide if you want to go with an artificial vagina or electroejaculation.

And suddenly it's 1992 again and I'm back doing the cashier job at a porn palace in downtown San Francisco.
posted by dantsea at 9:58 PM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

Many males can be induced to ejaculate by applying pressure and massage to the penis.

Now there's an idea! To the batcave, Robin!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:17 PM on August 4, 2006 [3 favorites]

(time to shine the batpole)
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:17 PM on August 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

Where can I get one?
posted by marvin at 12:26 AM on August 5, 2006

I get my bull semen the old fashioned way:

Cow costume.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:43 AM on August 5, 2006 [3 favorites]

I still remember some cheesy article about "Worst Jobs Ever": some guy had to get semen from turkeys. For him, the worst part was the excitement and enthusiasm on their faces when they got to know him. "Hey, here comes the handjob man!"
posted by imperium at 6:22 AM on August 5, 2006 [1 favorite]

It's disappointing that the ejaculate quantity is only 5 ml (about a teaspoon). All that work for so little juice.
posted by alms at 10:59 AM on August 5, 2006