What would Darth Joker do?

February 2, 2008 8:45 AM

Can a lightsaber cut through Superman? Through him it cuts, hmmmm?
posted by Kickstart70 (32 comments total)

Does the lightsaber have the element of surprise?
posted by effwerd at 8:55 AM on February 2, 2008

Neither this post nor Superman would survive the green.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:56 AM on February 2, 2008

But will it blend?
posted by phaedon at 8:57 AM on February 2, 2008

A red laser can kill Superman, if it's tuned to be the same as the light of a red sun. (Kryptonians gain their power from the light of a yellow sun, and lose it in the light of a red sun.) If the blade of the light saber was that same red color, it would cut just fine.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 9:10 AM on February 2, 2008

"If, on your journey, you should encounter [Superman], [Superman] will be cut."
posted by Iridic at 9:13 AM on February 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

I think of neither Superman 2 nor Episode I as canon: do I out-nerd this post?
posted by shakespeherian at 9:21 AM on February 2, 2008

Jedis can't actually cut through "everything" with the sword. Example: the big huge door in Episode I. They had to jam in their lightsabers and "melt" a doorway inside the door. The sword was fast to go into the door because they applied all the force to the tip, but was slow cutting because the Jedis are only so strong. Picture you cutting through a watermelon. In the same principle, a lightsaber technically might be able to cut through Superman, but there's nobody strong enough to force it through. Unless you somehow get the Hulk to use a lightsaber. But the Hulk doesn't exist.

So then by that logic you could stab superman with a lightsaber successfully, but it would be a pain in the ass to slice him in half.
posted by furtive at 9:24 AM on February 2, 2008

Neither this post nor Superman would survive the green.

I'm writing a short story about whether a lightsaber could cut through Superman...
posted by TheophileEscargot at 9:27 AM on February 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

This thread is not being respectful of the mythology.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 9:42 AM on February 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

I don't know. I think it could easily go either way. Superman doesn't look to be in very prime shape these days.
posted by otolith at 9:56 AM on February 2, 2008

Slices through him like butter.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:59 AM on February 2, 2008

No way ironmouth. If he were weakened from green k maybe, but c'mon, he takes hits from powerful energy weapons all the time and they barely phase him.

(geekfight! geekfight!)
posted by vrakatar at 10:03 AM on February 2, 2008

Of course, if we really want to get geeky, then the next question is, "Which Superman? Pre-crisis or post-crisis?"
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 10:16 AM on February 2, 2008

The notion that because Supes uses his heat vision to shave therefore means that lasers can harm him is ridiculous. His heat vision isn't 'lasers.' His heat vision can cut his own hair because it's an ability granted to Kryptonions by the yellow sun, thus making it as powerful as the invincibility granted to Kryptonions by the yellow sun. It's not because it's frickin lasers.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:17 AM on February 2, 2008

and lightsabers are not freakin' lasers either, so.... I think at best, a lightsaber might singe or scorch a kryptonian
posted by vrakatar at 10:24 AM on February 2, 2008

shakespeherian: Nope, you're not alone on the canon thing. The very first time I saw Episode I, when it got to the scene where Qui-Gon melts the door, my first thought was, "Hey! Lightsabers don't work like that!"

But yeah, otherwise, I think the question of Superman vs a Lightsaber is pretty clear-cut, no pun intended. Supes has faced far worse and lived.

So, next round: Superman vs the Death Star! First you need a small planet and a lot of rope to tie Superman to it while the laser warms up . . .
posted by InnocentBystander at 10:30 AM on February 2, 2008

fearfulsymmetry, that was the most terrifying thing I've heard in weeks.
posted by danb at 10:32 AM on February 2, 2008

he takes hits from powerful energy weapons all the time and they barely phase him.

Typo, or nerd pun?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 10:53 AM on February 2, 2008

I used to have an old comic where Superman and Supergirl were in the core of the Earth, tossing nuclear weapons into the molten part. They were both smiling and one of them was saying something to the effect of "Our invulnerable bodies are no match for the heat of the inner earth, so we can help out by destroying these nuclear missiles where they won't hurt any one else!"

The lightsaber doesn't stand a chance.
posted by PhatLobley at 11:20 AM on February 2, 2008

My money's on Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater
posted by PlusDistance at 11:28 AM on February 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Point's moot. Once a bear with a knife gets in the room, they're all dead.
posted by OrangeDrink at 11:53 AM on February 2, 2008

So...Superman, who can shatter planetoids, move faster than thought, fire beams from his eyes, create freezing hurricane winds with his breath, has an array of extremely powerful/ stealthy/ unearthy/ magical allies, is just going to stand there and let someone saw through him?

Maybe you could use it to open him up like Rocky Balboa in a fight.
posted by Smedleyman at 12:06 PM on February 2, 2008

But the Hulk doesn't exist.

This is true, and why I geniunely respect this post. The whole Marvel universe is totally made up and anybody who would believe in it is an idiot. And PhatLobley, I love your quote, although it was probably "The heat of the inner earth is no match for our invulnerable bodies..." But the answer to the question about Superman vs. a light sabre, is that Superman is way to cool to ever have anything to with the George Lucas's pathetic creations, and the whole Star Wars universe is less to him the the dirt between the toes of lowest, filthiest begger in the bottled city of Kandor.
posted by Faze at 12:17 PM on February 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Answer: yes. Because as the Dark Knight so correctly said, Superman is an easily manipulated ponce.
So why couldn't he be mind-tricked by some hippie with a rat tail and end up with the business end of a lightsaber thru his torso?
posted by Busithoth at 12:56 PM on February 2, 2008

Busithoth, you ignorant man-slut. Supes could be mesmerizied, hypotizied, it does not matter. The sabre just does not have the juice to really harm him.
posted by vrakatar at 1:13 PM on February 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

I wonder if Superman's metachlorians would save him.
posted by Kickstart70 at 3:02 PM on February 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

Well, I'm not sure whether on not a light saber would cut through superman, but I think it's clear he could easily be carved up into a delightful centerpiece of delicate, fanciful fillets and cuts with the subtle knife. Because that cuts through everything.
posted by cytherea at 3:24 PM on February 2, 2008

Ron Popeil has something to say here!
posted by shakespeherian at 3:32 PM on February 2, 2008

Superman is vulnerable to magic.Seems like The Force would qualify.
posted by Bernt Pancreas at 4:41 PM on February 2, 2008

Nope. Force powers are telepathic, telekinetic...biological in nature. Jedi are not spellcasters.

I'm overly geeky right now. Thanks gods there is a football game tomorrow, I'll drink beer and holler.
posted by vrakatar at 4:52 PM on February 2, 2008

WTF PEOPLE

The conveyor belt keeps the lightsaber from moving through the air, and as such it connot possibly generate lift, much less penetrate Superman.
posted by blasdelf at 8:11 PM on February 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

I think of neither Superman 2 nor Episode I as canon: do I out-nerd this post?

You clearly haven't seen The Donner Cut of Superman 2, then. There are copies floating 'round the usual places.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 1:37 AM on February 3, 2008