Snarkin' at Sarah

December 4, 2009 3:30 PM

Slate challenged its readers to write like the Palin. Here are the results.
posted by bearwife (48 comments total)

"the Palin"?
posted by LSK at 3:38 PM on December 4, 2009

I know it's Palin, but I really hope this post sticks around. This is bad writing at its best.
posted by 0xFCAF at 3:39 PM on December 4, 2009

This pre-supposes she wrote Going Rogue in the first place.

Which is a cheap shot, granted, but then, so is the contest.
posted by IndigoJones at 3:40 PM on December 4, 2009

Ok, that was pretty funny - especially first place:

"One night after a long day of campaigning, when the haters had made my spirits reach a nadir, I looked into Todd's eyes, which were as blue as the stripes on Old Glory, and too representing truth and loyalty, and he looked back at me with a twinkle of determination which I hadn't seen since I told him my goal of having another baby in my fifties and naming it Tron, then did I know for sure that I could carry on, like he, and we, have done together all of these years on this long, Iron Dog race of a marriage that is at once grueling and celestial, onerous and majestic."
posted by Lutoslawski at 3:40 PM on December 4, 2009 [5 favorites]

PALIN PALIN PALIN PALIN PALIN!

Sorry, that just sort of slipped out. Seriously, though, this is pretty funny, but I'm sort of expecting that this maybe kind of might not really wendell.
posted by infinitywaltz at 3:40 PM on December 4, 2009

Has anyone actually read the book? Is it as...um...colorful and charming as these satires would suggest? Because I'm assuming she had a ghost writer, right?
posted by infinitywaltz at 3:41 PM on December 4, 2009

Can I get us started? HAHA PALIN IS SOOOOO STUPID< SHE IS STUPIDER THAN HER FANS! BUT NOT REALLY - THEY'RE STUPIDER!1

I love a good Palin mockery as much as the next guy, but I think we've pretty well juiced this lemon.

When she runs for president in 2012, then, by all means, resume juicing.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 3:44 PM on December 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

I love a good Palin mockery as much as the next guy, but I think we've pretty well juiced this lemon.

At the risk of over-thinking this particular plate of beans moose chili, the terror of Palin isn't that she's stupid, but that she's willfully evil and is able to get away with it by having a ditzy country girl image.
posted by infinitywaltz at 3:48 PM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Palin's ghostwriter is Lynn Vincent.

This post is because I love bad writing and its spoofs. And we all understand the references.
posted by bearwife at 3:48 PM on December 4, 2009

Nah. If it were a "Write Like Obama" contest, it'd still be funny because satirizing famous people is funny in and of itself. Palin's writing doesn't bug me, from what I've read of it, and I still thought this was funny.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:49 PM on December 4, 2009

Here's an actual random quote from Going Rogue. I used Amazon's "Surprise Me!" link on the "Look Inside", so this isn't cherry-picked (though I am only pasting the 'best' part of the page it showed me):

... The B team was scattered all over, too. Todd and I shook our heads -- the 'experts' still didn't get it. What mattered to us was showing respect for the everyday, hardworking folks who had put their lives on hold and dedicated everything they had, everything, to fight for what's right. It had been the most spectacular ride -- a roller coaster, yes, but we'd do it all over again in a heartbeat -- and we'd learned some lessons along the way.

posted by 0xFCAF at 3:52 PM on December 4, 2009 [3 favorites]

This post is ilke the one time Todd and I were mushing across the majestic frozen tundra and he was whipping the dogs like a dead horse, and off in the distance I spied, you know, the supreme epitome of Alaska's wonder, a polar bear, which I shot. Because.
posted by mrbarrett.com at 3:53 PM on December 4, 2009

I'm not sure if "ghostwriter" is the correct term for Going Rogue, because Lynn Vincent (who has a clear evangelical, partisan focus, as noted by Politico) is given credit by numerous sources. The wiki entry for the book currently lists the authors as "Sarah Palin with Lynn Vincent".
posted by filthy light thief at 3:54 PM on December 4, 2009

Salvor Hardin: "Can I get us started? HAHA PALIN IS SOOOOO STUPID<>"

No, that's not quite it: "The campaign path once led me into the homey kitchen of June Asbel, where the aroma of toasted almonds and nutmeg mixed with a sense of American perseverance and optimism."


but don't let me stop your UGH I HATE METAFILTER PEOPLE SO MUCH WHEN PALIN APPEARS festival of fistshaking.
posted by boo_radley at 3:54 PM on December 4, 2009

It's like the Bullmoose-ilLitton contest.
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 3:55 PM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

oh god, my tags
posted by boo_radley at 3:55 PM on December 4, 2009

This post is because I love bad writing and its spoofs.

Apparently.
posted by gman at 3:56 PM on December 4, 2009

Not clear on why a photo slideshow is the best way to present the winners of a writing contest.
posted by brundlefly at 3:56 PM on December 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

Michael Palin called. He wants his name back.
posted by irisclara at 3:57 PM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

I don't comment on Palin threads because when she becomes president in 2012 she will go back and look at these and send everyone to the Alaska gulags.
posted by qvantamon at 3:59 PM on December 4, 2009 [4 favorites]

Sarah Palin Posts Which I Have Read And Liked:

1) This Post

These two are particularly good:
"Here's a little news flash for your Department of Media: Superman's parents chose life and he was adopted in small-town USA by real Americans who run our factories, harvest our meat-bearing animals, and wave Old Glory down at the courthouse and the churches, not in Washington D.C. by cynical power-brokers and liberal scientists."

"It was only then, after I had removed the saddle from the moose, that I noticed the sweet sound of the warblers singing while perched on the fence post reminding me that unlike New York, Wasilla would always have my heart which not only pumps red, but also white and blue."
posted by killdevil at 3:59 PM on December 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

Lynn Vincent might be the writer, but from the few excerpts I've read it seems as though she's trying hard to capture Palin's folksy voice. Meanwhile, Palin keeps adding to her corpus of amazing statements:

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin gave support Thursday to a conspiracy theory promoted by fringe groups, that President Obama may not have an American birth certificate, saying, "I think the public rightfully is still making it an issue." Washington Post, 4 Dec 09
posted by woodway at 4:04 PM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

Can someone cross this post over with this one?
posted by qvantamon at 4:13 PM on December 4, 2009

"harvest" our "meat-bearing" animals?
posted by hattifattener at 4:32 PM on December 4, 2009

I think we've pretty well juiced this lemon.

You betcha, but there's still the pulp and the zest to keep us busy!
posted by amyms at 4:42 PM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

"...since I told him my goal of having another baby in my fifties and naming it Tron..."

This is funny. The whole Palin thing would be more funny if I didn't think it was going to have such a disastrous ending.
posted by chemoboy at 4:46 PM on December 4, 2009

woodway: "Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin gave support Thursday to a conspiracy theory promoted by fringe groups, that President Obama may not have an American birth certificate"

Muslim Obama ruined my family's Christmas (Special).
posted by boo_radley at 4:47 PM on December 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

Chris Kelly's "A Rogue Thanksgiving" would have made a good entry.

The punchline: Herbert Hoover wrote like Palin.
posted by Houstonian at 4:50 PM on December 4, 2009

Not clear on why a photo slideshow is the best way to present the winners of a writing contest.

Yeah I read (some) of this last night and the click-throughs annoyed me to much to bother after the first few entries. But I've got no beef with Meefs snarkin' at Palin. Snark on! Alaska.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:58 PM on December 4, 2009

Well, let's see. Of course in the great history of Metafilter there have been comments that there's never going to be absolute consensus by every Mefite, and there are those issues, again, like in posts where there are controversial topics where I believe are best held on a MeTa level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of Metafilter, there would be other comments like this.
posted by Smedleyman at 5:02 PM on December 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

I thought #9 was closest to the appropriate "word salad" style.

The minute I was on that stage in Florida with all those lights in my eyes and the smell of Alaska still on my fingertips and my family, too, all around out there, I was where I dreamed of all those years on the basketball court and in Alaskas's God given beauty which we must cherish and use as God gave it us to use and in honor of the troops, also.

posted by Wolfdog at 5:07 PM on December 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

You know, there's keeping an eye on your crazy ex to make sure she doesn't break into your house and cut up all your clothes (again!), and then there's stalking.
posted by rodgerd at 5:22 PM on December 4, 2009

From Boo Radley's link:

"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."

In Wiseman's extensive thread that attacked the president, his supporters and Muslims, he stated "...you obama people need to move to a muslim country...oh wait, that's America....pitiful."

At another point he said, "you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different........"

Wow. I have read some crazy ass shit coming from small time politicians, but this one is a doozy. He actually believes the POTUS scheduled his speech about the war to pre-empt a Christmas cartoon? One that has been shown about a gajillion times? AND is available on DVD? Way to RUIN Christmas, Obama!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:24 PM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

I missed the deadline to submit mine to The Week, but luckily, I held onto it:

I always knew the man I would fall in love with would be just like a pit bull, with one exception: ChapStick. I could see its glisten on Todd's lips as his sled pulled away, the dogs pulling him across the bridge to...anywhere, really. My (platonic) lesbian friend watched from the window as I braved the storm, a maverick in the bitter cold; yet I was sweltering. I longed for him, but I knew he would return: At night I could see his snowplough from my house.
posted by troybob at 5:46 PM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm really tired of these posts. No more, please. Just no more.
posted by MarshallPoe at 5:57 PM on December 4, 2009

Muslim Obama ruined my family's Christmas (Special).

OMFG. I thought that link was going to be something jokey, but yikes. The anti-Obama weirdness is getting scarier, and sicker, and more outlandish by the day.
posted by amyms at 5:57 PM on December 4, 2009

I love a good Palin mockery as much as the next guy, but I think we've pretty well juiced this lemon.

I'm really tired of these posts. No more, please. Just no more.

You do realize that this woman could be your next president, right? I think we have only just scratched the surface of the volume of mockery and derision that is, frankly, morally obligatory (as well as really funny).
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 6:03 PM on December 4, 2009

deliberately Palinesque mixed metaphor, honest
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 6:07 PM on December 4, 2009

Just bout the only positive thing I can say about the 'Filter's current Palin obsession is that at least were not talking about Ann Coulter anymore.
posted by jonmc at 6:18 PM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

So, to do that I ask my friend to write it while I tell him about how everyone was a jerk at my last job?
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:27 PM on December 4, 2009

I'm really tired of these posts. No more, please. Just no more.

My gawd, no one forces you to read them. There's not a prize at the end of the day for reading every single front page post. You are free to move along.
posted by amyms at 6:38 PM on December 4, 2009

The first Slate comment:

People, people! No one came close. Your sentences parse.

Did you or did you not read the contest description?? LIKE Palin. Anyone who wrote an independent clause: Fail. Anyone who stayed on a topic for >= 8 words: Fail.

Brooke Adams' was close.

True dat.
posted by telstar at 6:58 PM on December 4, 2009 [2 favorites]

woodway: Lynn Vincent might be the writer, but from the few excerpts I've read it seems as though she's trying hard to capture Palin's folksy voice.

That poor, poor writer. (no hamburger)
posted by Decimask at 8:15 PM on December 4, 2009

"the soft periwinkle glow of the Alaskan morning"
All I could think about reading that line, was this guy .
posted by maortiz at 8:55 PM on December 4, 2009

From Secret Life of Gravy's link to Boo Radley's link: "...The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic).."

I've often thought there should be an eigenstate in the mental health field between balls out crazy (in non clinical terms) and 'not crazy'. I understand what blind hatred can do to a person's mental state. But at what point does one - or society - recognize someone as functional but still perhaps a danger to themselves or others.
I get that this was hyperbole but wow.
posted by Smedleyman at 9:09 PM on December 4, 2009

I can pretty much make fun of Sarah Palin every day, but I don't think it is good for me to do it too often.

I don't say much about her on Metafilter because the best Sarah Palin Comment Ever on Metafilter has already been made and will never be surpassed:

"Sarah and Todd Palin have five children: boys Track, 19, and Trig, 4 months, and daughters Bristol, 17, Willow, 13, and Piper, 7."

Dear GOD! Vice Presidents don't get to NAME anything, do they?!
posted by ColdChef
posted by marxchivist at 9:11 PM on December 4, 2009 [1 favorite]

she's willfully evil and is able to get away with it by having a ditzy country girl image.

You know, that's what people said about Bush, too ('cept a country boy image, natch.) Maybe I should be teaching my kids to fake that, so they can get away with murder (not literally) as they get older.
posted by davejay at 9:33 PM on December 4, 2009

I work in a bookstore and during slow moments at the register I've flipped through her book - these take-offs are pitch perfect.
posted by phrontist at 9:54 PM on December 4, 2009