Oh boy, do 13-year-old-girls have a surprise in store for them

March 11, 2010 9:14 AM

Will Critics Spoil the Secreting End of Remember Me? The movie opens tomorrow, March 12th. The Village Voice and New York Magazine have already spilled the beans. [ALL LINKS SPOILERIFFIC LIKE "WHOA!"]
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey (245 comments total)

Perez Hilton spilled the beans a while back, too.
posted by amro at 9:15 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Can't you kind of tell from the poster? And title? And tagline?
posted by roll truck roll at 9:17 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

Perez Hilton spilled the beans a while back, too.

Indeed he did.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:18 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

The secreting end? As in, a grotesque, infected stump of an ending that oozes pus all over? I guess that sounds right.
posted by cirripede at 9:19 AM on March 11, 2010 [11 favorites]

Sometimes I doubt these critics commitment to sparkleboyfriend.
posted by WolfDaddy at 9:20 AM on March 11, 2010 [40 favorites]

I would have been shocked by the ending if it hadn't been spoiled. Shocked in a really good, like "Way to go! You got me!" way. I'm kind of bummed that I couldn't resist reading the first spoiler I saw.
posted by amro at 9:20 AM on March 11, 2010

I loved this spoiler. Awesome. I wasn't going to see it anyway. Pattinson looks anemic as usual. Do they have to use make-up on him in Twilight? Because he's really pale already.
posted by anniecat at 9:21 AM on March 11, 2010

The whole thing baffles me. Why would anyone write a movie with an unrelated storyline that just, BAMN, ends that way? And why cast Robert Pattinson, of all people, in it? And who did they think was going to see this movie that gives a damn about the story, anyway? Just shine the light on RPatz for 2 hours and call it ad ay.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:21 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

Rosebud is the sled!
posted by briank at 9:21 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

I've never heard of this movie. And I'm afraid to click on the links because I'm afraid of spoiling the movie I've never heard of. This feels weird.
posted by naju at 9:22 AM on March 11, 2010 [22 favorites]

Shoot. I was hoping that this was about a film version of Never let me go (spoilers).
posted by No Robots at 9:22 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I agree with the Gawker commenter who says: Note to script writers: historical tragedies do not make good endings. They could potentially be good openings, but bad endings.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:22 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

"Too soon?" seems to be happening a lot faster these days.
posted by studentbaker at 9:25 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

Do they make it clear in the movie what year it is?
posted by amro at 9:25 AM on March 11, 2010

Doesn't the title of the damn movie slightly imply that someone is going to get their dead on in it? Stay classy, Hollywood. Now if you'll excuse me, I simply must make my flight to Lakehurst, New Jersey. It should be fantastic, we're taking that fantastic new airship, I BELIEVE IT'S CALLED THE HINDENBERG.

[Credits roll]
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:27 AM on March 11, 2010 [24 favorites]

They should have called it Nevar Forget Me.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 9:27 AM on March 11, 2010 [58 favorites]

Oh, that is priceless.
posted by brundlefly at 9:28 AM on March 11, 2010

Something has to be edible before it can be spoiled.
posted by Babblesort at 9:28 AM on March 11, 2010 [16 favorites]

Do they make it clear in the movie what year it is?

Not until the final moment when it's made unmistakeably clear. Until then, there seems to be no indication of the date.

I just find it so cheap and crass and exploitive to do it that way.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:31 AM on March 11, 2010

The ending to this movie makes me that special kind of disproportionate, white-hot internet-mad. Mostly because it's a lazy and stupid ending. Just as lazy and stupid as "...and it was all a dream!" But I also think that The Village Voice and New York Magazine have not only the right but the duty to spoil it, because wow, what a shitty day that was for a whole lot of people. I don't think it's too soon to make a good movie about 9-11, but yeah, it's too soon to spring that on people in a big GOTCHA at the end. That's not the movie they signed up for and you're being a manipulative dick if that's the way you're going to get your tears at the end.

GRAR! Internet rage!
posted by Thin Lizzy at 9:31 AM on March 11, 2010 [12 favorites]

When I was a kid I wanted to make a movie with interesting characters and an engaging plot, something that would draw you in and get you to care about what you were watching. Then, about 50 minutes in, nuclear war breaks out, and you're left totally hanging.

This is about as close to fulfilling my childhood dream as I imagine will ever happen.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:32 AM on March 11, 2010 [13 favorites]

I would pay 20$ to go see a movie called Horrible Things happen to Edward Cullen. It would be a two hour montage of Cullen-torment inspired by Wile E. Coyote, The Big Book of Bunny Suicides, and 3,000 years of Man's inhumanity to Man.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:34 AM on March 11, 2010 [13 favorites]

♫GUESS YOU FINALLY MADE A MON-KEYYY ... ♫
posted by Damn That Television at 9:35 AM on March 11, 2010 [21 favorites]

Warning to curious people: WIKIPEDIA also ruins the surprise.
posted by Midnight Rambler at 9:35 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Pattinson finally rips off his face like the aliens from V?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:35 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

He dies of an allergic reaction to vagina?
posted by Joe Beese at 9:36 AM on March 11, 2010 [19 favorites]

Forget this crap! How did Claire get off the island???
posted by cmoj at 9:37 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

Do they really expect their target audience not to ruin it for all of their friends? Because, you know...teen girls aren't really known for their secret KEEPING abilities.
posted by ColdChef at 9:38 AM on March 11, 2010

The terrorists just officially lost.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:38 AM on March 11, 2010 [10 favorites]

I saw a clip of this movie on The Daily Show last week. Just awful acting. Awful. Painful. A wheelbarrow of Razzies are in this kid's future.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:38 AM on March 11, 2010

Sounds idiotic. Also, effective. I'd never had heard of this movie without this MeFi post. (Chew on that, "I'm immune to advertising" people from the ad blocker thread).

BTW, the chick with the penis is actually dead through the whole movie. More of a ghost penis.
posted by Nelson at 9:40 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

I can almost see the noble beginnings of an idea underneath all of this, where somebody thought about the sheer number of people who died in the tragedy and wanted to re-humanize them beyond a statistic and blah and blah and blah this is not the way to do this.

United 93 was the way to do that. This is just exploitative trash, no matter how good the intentions were at the outset.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:43 AM on March 11, 2010

He climbs the Empire State Building, Fary Wray blonde girl in hand blah blah blah man is the real monster.
posted by griphus at 9:43 AM on March 11, 2010

Woulda been so much cooler if Pattinson's character WAS THE 20TH HIJACKER OMG NO.
posted by xmutex at 9:43 AM on March 11, 2010 [9 favorites]

When I was a kid I wanted to make a movie with interesting characters and an engaging plot, something that would draw you in and get you to care about what you were watching. Then, about 50 minutes in, nuclear war breaks out, and you're left totally hanging.

Sounds like a screenplay by Hotblack Desiato
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:47 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think all movies should end with the entire cast dying in a bus plunge.
posted by brundlefly at 9:49 AM on March 11, 2010 [8 favorites]

So Emilie de Ravin is really a guy? Who knew?
posted by Pollomacho at 9:49 AM on March 11, 2010

Including costume dramas.
posted by brundlefly at 9:49 AM on March 11, 2010 [6 favorites]

Why would anyone write a movie with an unrelated storyline that just, BAMN, ends that way? And why cast Robert Pattinson, of all people, in it?

Is it Ghostbusters 2money?
posted by DU at 9:51 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Roger Ebert merrily references the ending without outright spoiling it:

"Remember Me" tells a sweet enough love story, and tries to invest it with profound meaning by linking it to a coincidence. It doesn't work that way. People meet, maybe they fall in love, maybe they don't, maybe they're happy, maybe they're sad. That's life. If, let us say, a refrigerator falls out of a window and squishes one of them, that's life, too, but it's not a story many people want to see. We stand there looking at the blood seeping out from under the Kelvinator and ask with Peggy Lee, is that all there is?

You can't exactly say the movie cheats. It brings the refrigerator onscreen in the first scene. It ties the action to a key date in Kelvinator history, one everybody knows even if that's all they know about refrigerators. But come on. This isn't the plot for a love story, it's the plot for a Greek tragedy. It may be true, as King Lear tells us, that as flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods. But we don't want to think ourselves as flies, or see fly love stories. Bring on the eagles.

Heavens to Betsy, that's funny.
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:52 AM on March 11, 2010 [41 favorites]

What on earth is the point of making a whole movie and then tacking on a gratuitous shock ending that isn't even related to everything that went before? I don't get it. If I had gone to see this movie without being spoiled (which I would never do because Twilight, whatever), I would have been royally pissed by this ending.
posted by Mavri at 9:53 AM on March 11, 2010

All I want to say is after the first time I read a comment online saying Robert Pattison looks like a foot, I cannot unsee it. And I'm not even saying the dude is ugs, he looks fine to me. It's just that there really is an odd uncanny resemblance in his facial structure to a foot. I don't even understand how that's possible. A human face does not look like a foot. Somehow, he manages to look like a foot.

...Faces just don't look like foot, man.
posted by kkokkodalk at 9:53 AM on March 11, 2010 [23 favorites]

Sounds like a screenplay by Hotblack Desiato

I keep forgetting how many of the jokes in Metalocalrpse are actually Disaster Area jokes.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:54 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I love Roger Ebert.
posted by Mavri at 9:54 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

In sort of related news: the NYT reports that Cantor Fitzgerald is preparing an online futures market for speculation on box-office revenue.
posted by Joe Beese at 9:54 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I never had any plans to see this movie, so I felt quite ok about reading the spoiler. And all I can say is wow...can they get any more exploitative?
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:54 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

(checks RottenTomatoes... 39%. Sure, spoil away. Reads..)

Really? Who that was a good idea?
posted by NortonDC at 9:55 AM on March 11, 2010

On non preview, Ebert for the win.
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:56 AM on March 11, 2010

Overlooked in all this is that this is an inferior remake of the underrated Japanese drama Remembrance, in which young Takeshi and his true love Miho struggle with their disapproving parents and other obstacles but at last get married. On Takeshi's first day as a sarariman, his skyscraper building in Tokyo is destroyed by a giant radioactive lizard. Really makes ya think.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:56 AM on March 11, 2010 [16 favorites]

kkokkodalk: "All I want to say is after the first time I read a comment online saying Robert Pattison looks like a foot, I cannot unsee it."

I know what you mean. Whenever I see Quentin Tarantino's head, it always reminds me of a wedge of cheese.

I can't really explain it. But the connection - having been made - apparently can not be unmade.
posted by Joe Beese at 9:57 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Christ, it's the feature-length equivalent of the clip of a peaceful Sunday drive that ends with a screaming ghost.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:57 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm sure this will go over well here in New York. What we all need is more 9/11 rehashing in our lives. :P
posted by zarq at 9:57 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

What on earth is the point of making a whole movie and then tacking on a gratuitous shock ending that isn't even related to everything that went before?

It's almost like Pattinson's movie choices are in some sort of Twilight zone.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:58 AM on March 11, 2010 [5 favorites]

You know...I just remembered that a few weeks ago, my nieces asked me if I would take them to see this movie and I told them no, because it looked shitty, but now I kind of want to bring them just so I can watch their little hearts shatter at the end. Does that make me a bad uncle?
posted by ColdChef at 9:58 AM on March 11, 2010 [53 favorites]

Sounds basically ike Bambi Meets Godzilla.
posted by brain_drain at 9:58 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

brundlefly: "I think all movies should end with the entire cast dying in a bus plunge."

Isn't that how "The Young Ones" ended?

BTW, at first glance I read that as "pus binge", ewwww.
posted by Splunge at 10:01 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

Now it makes sense.

I got beaten up by a lot of people when I was younger. I was a bit of an idiot, but I always thought the assaults were unprovoked. It was after I first started acting and I liked to behave like an actor, or how I thought an actor was supposed to be, and that apparently provoked a lot of people into hitting me.
posted by Joe Beese at 10:02 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

The poster and title is a big reveal, anyway -- it reminds me of the mystery posters I used to do as a kid -- a booklet with a mystery you had to solve and the clues were on the jigsaw puzzle you had to put together -- but you had no idea what the picture until you put the puzzle together -- in theory you should have never been able to figure it out until you read the story and studied the clues on the picture -- but in practice all you had to do was look at the front of the box and if you were blessed with even two functioning brain cells you could figure out the mystery and the culprit without all the work and save a few bucks...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 10:02 AM on March 11, 2010

Ok, just called my older sister. "Hey, do your girls still want to go see that "Remember Me" movie? They do? Sure, I'd love to take them."

It's on.
posted by ColdChef at 10:03 AM on March 11, 2010 [48 favorites]

In my mind's ear, I hear the title being said in Bender's voice (Autoplaying noise. YTMND, natch). Now that I know for sure John DiMaggio isn't actually in it, I automatically hate it.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 10:03 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I saw some clips of this on the Daily Show too, and (a) Was Pattinson really really high when he filmed that show? Because he seemed really high. Like, you know that feeling where if you take your eyes of of the person who's talking, you're going to freak the fuck out? That's how Pattinson was looking at John Stewart. (b) The movie looked terrible. I thought the plot was that Pattinson was a recent immigrant to our land who could only speak broken English. Turns out it's just mumblings and stutters and awkward pauses.
posted by muddgirl at 10:04 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Directed by Allen Coulter? Something's fishy here...
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:05 AM on March 11, 2010

You know...I just remembered that a few weeks ago, my nieces asked me if I would take them to see this movie and I told them no, because it looked shitty, but now I kind of want to bring them just so I can watch their little hearts shatter at the end. Does that make me a bad uncle?

What the fuck are uncles for if not this?

And on preview YOU SIR ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS
posted by Shepherd at 10:06 AM on March 11, 2010 [11 favorites]

Maybe this is way off, but is there any chance the filmmakers have some right-wing agenda? You know, get the impressionable tweens screaming and crying and saying something must be done about the terrorists, for god's sake, they killed my soulmate. Dad, you didn't vote for McCain? How COULD you. God, my parents are SO embarrassing. Ugh.
posted by naju at 10:06 AM on March 11, 2010

checks RottenTomatoes... 39%. Sure, spoil away.

Yeah, good point... I guess 39% is not bottom-barrel but still I'm kind of conflicted about the worth of using MeFi to talk about a low grade movie.
posted by crapmatic at 10:06 AM on March 11, 2010

Hey Mom, can you come and pick us up at the mall? No, no, we went to the movie, it was fine, it's just uncle ColdChef just won't stop crying and can't drive us home...
posted by Pollomacho at 10:07 AM on March 11, 2010 [34 favorites]

You're a complete bastard ColdChef, and I salute you. You have raised the bar of bastardry.
posted by Pope Guilty at 10:10 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm kind of conflicted about the worth of using MeFi to talk about a low grade movie.

Metafilter is like the Statler and Waldorf equivalent of Siskel and Ebert.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:12 AM on March 11, 2010 [14 favorites]

All I have to say is "HA!"
posted by Vindaloo at 10:12 AM on March 11, 2010

I'm kind of conflicted about the worth of using MeFi to talk about a low grade movie.

We are not talking about it, we are mocking its bathos.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:14 AM on March 11, 2010

ColdChef -- when you exit the theater be sure to stop, turn to the line waiting to get in for the next screening and say: "The boyfriend dies in the World Trade Center on 9/11." You'll see alot of tears and anger in that crowd.
posted by ericb at 10:14 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

oh my god it's called remember me and he dies on 9/11 lmao
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:16 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

I hate when critics spoil the end or twist in a movie. I hate it even more when Entertainment Weekly gives away the twist in Kick Ass in a tiny blurb under a picture.
posted by b2walton at 10:17 AM on March 11, 2010

I would like to see this thing, if only to hear the cries of "BULLSHIT!" at the end of the film.
posted by citywolf at 10:17 AM on March 11, 2010

> Maybe this is way off, but is there any chance the filmmakers have some right-wing agenda?

If by "right-wing agenda" you mean CA-CHING CA-CHING $$$ CA-CHING"....then, yes.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:18 AM on March 11, 2010

If I watch it online for free is the ending still spoiled?
posted by pianomover at 10:18 AM on March 11, 2010

When I was a kid I wanted to make a movie with interesting characters and an engaging plot, something that would draw you in and get you to care about what you were watching. Then, about 50 minutes in, nuclear war breaks out, and you're left totally hanging.

Sounds like a screenplay by Hotblack Desiato

Reminds me a bit of Miracle Mile.
posted by Dr-Baa at 10:18 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

Eh, I think I've seen trailers or something. Maybe just the poster. Or not. Either way, here's the IMDB summary:

A romantic drama set in New York City during the summer of 2001, where Tyler (Pattinson), a rebellious young man, meets Ally (de Ravin) through a twist of fate. Her spirit helps him heal after a family tragedy, though soon the circumstances that brought them together threaten to tear them apart.

MovieWeb has a bit more, and it sounds like perfect tween/teen fodder ("Tyler didn’t think anyone could possibly understand what he was going through until the day he met Ally").
posted by filthy light thief at 10:21 AM on March 11, 2010

It's almost like Pattinson's movie choices are in some sort of Twilight zone.

He dies in this movie and turns into a sparkly vampire?
posted by zarq at 10:24 AM on March 11, 2010

Whatever else one thinks about Pattinson, I do love how he seems to basically hate Twilight fandom. And not think much of the original works either.

About Comic-con panel: "It's terrifying. It's like the sound you hear at the gates of hell."

From a magazine interview:

"When you read the book," says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, "it's like, 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues there."

From some video interview:

When I read it, it seemed like (grimaces) I was convinced that ... Stephenie was ... convinced that she was Bella, and uh, and you, it wasn't, it was like it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published, like reading her ... her sort of sexual fantasy about some -- especially when she says that it was based on a dream, and it's like, "Oh, then I had a dream about this really sexy guy" and she just writes this book about it, and there's some things about Edward that are just so specific that it's like, I was just convinced that, that this woman is mad, she's completely mad, and she's in love with her own fictional creation and I -- sometimes you, like, feel uncomfortable reading this thing, and I think a lot of people feel the same way, that it's kind of voyeuristic, ah, and it creates this sick pleasure in a lot of ways.

And apparently he inflicts reading Twilight as a punishment on his buddies when they lose bets:

After (he replied) to the text message, we found out that Rupert recently lost a bet to actor Robert Pattinson, who was once part of the Harry Potter cast in a previous film, and insisted that Rupert read the bestselling book. Rupert is now "stuck reading 'Twilight' " and that Rob was just texting him to see how far along he was getting.
Rupert admitted he had only read the first five chapters of the bestselling book and we just informed him that there were three more books in the series. "No, really, are you serious? I thought there was just this one book?" Only now realizing he has to read three more, Rupert took his phone out and sent another message to Rob. By the looks of things, we can bet it wasn't a very pleasant message.

(all sourced from Cleolinda's amazing Twilight page.)
posted by kmz at 10:24 AM on March 11, 2010 [41 favorites]

I can't really explain it. But the connection - having been made - apparently can not be unmade.

Root Beer tastes like toothpaste there I said it.
posted by The Whelk at 10:27 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

Directed by Allen Coulter? Something's fishy here...

If you watch the lle collapse in slow motion, Ambrosia, the e looks like it was detonated from the baseline. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!
posted by condour75 at 10:27 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

"Get outta my way, you fuckin' peasant. You fuckin' piece of shit... Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? Enh?"
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:28 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

Let's put 20 seconds on the clock and see how many terrible jokes I can make ok go...

Give them credit at least that the last 15 minutes they're all speaking ROT13!

History buffs are protesting the addition of the hijackers use of wooden stakes.

The sequel's going to be set at Super Bowl XLV.
OR HAVE I SAID TOO MUCH?

*Ding*

posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:28 AM on March 11, 2010

I was hoping it might be a remake of the awesome teenage-angst novel of my youth, Christopher Pike's Remember Me. We all know that Robert Pattinson + supernatural dead teenager angst == $$$.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:30 AM on March 11, 2010 [7 favorites]

Root Beer tastes like toothpaste there I said it.

Root beer has always tasted like icky medicine to me. Which is why I can't drink root beer at all.
posted by kmz at 10:30 AM on March 11, 2010

Yes, regardless of anything, I will always kind of love Pattinson for those interviews about Twilight. They're fantastic.
posted by aclevername at 10:31 AM on March 11, 2010

I don't know why any teenage girl would be upset by the ending. The dude's a vampire. He'll be back.
posted by gc at 10:32 AM on March 11, 2010

I'm actually picturing it happening like this in the movie.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:35 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

The twist is that he's not a vampire, just a creep.
posted by The Whelk at 10:36 AM on March 11, 2010

Hedwig dies.
posted by cog_nate at 10:37 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Psst, No Robots...
posted by oinopaponton at 10:37 AM on March 11, 2010

He dies of an allergic reaction to vagina?

Context for those who might not get the reference:

"I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vagina. But I can't say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn't exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover."

posted by ericb at 10:38 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I know what you mean. Whenever I see Quentin Tarantino's head, it always reminds me of a wedge of cheese.

I can't really explain it. But the connection - having been made - apparently can not be unmade.

Since we're sharing, I once heard someone say they thought John Mayer looked like Fozzie Bear. It was like an epiphany. Now, I can't find any pictures of John Mayer where he looks anything like Fozzie Bear. But his image in my mind? Dead ringer.
posted by peep at 10:41 AM on March 11, 2010

When I was a kid I wanted to make a movie with interesting characters and an engaging plot, something that would draw you in and get you to care about what you were watching. Then, about 50 minutes in, nuclear war breaks out, and you're left totally hanging.

I have good news for you!
posted by cashman at 10:42 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

And RNC chairman Michael Steele also looks like a muppet.
posted by ericb at 10:44 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Went to imdb.com, started reading the synopsis. It said:

A romantic drama set in New York City during the summer of 2001,

And I thought, "Oh no you didn't!"

Stopped reading, clicked the spoiler link in the FPP, and, yes, they did.
posted by DreamerFi at 10:44 AM on March 11, 2010

Oh Details Magazine, the magazine for men who enjoy half-naked glamor shots of other men but are unable to articulate why.
posted by The Whelk at 10:45 AM on March 11, 2010 [13 favorites]

Relax guys. The original ending tested poorly, so they reshot it. Now he rides the building down to the ground and then steps off it into his waiting girlfriend's arms, and they both walk off into the sunset, holding each other and laughing, an enormous cloud of dust billowing up behind them into the shape of a heart.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:46 AM on March 11, 2010 [24 favorites]

I can't believe all you people are making light of a movie with an actual, adult love story and -- whatever you may think of it -- an incredibly emotional ending. Have we finally sunk so low that any kind of human emotion is suspect? That anything sad is automatically bathos and anyone who can love is automatically an idiot?

I'm ashamed to be part of metafilter. That's all I have to say.

PlusDistance hits "enter" and walks away from his computer, crying. Suddenly, a rogue circus elephant smashes through the wall and tramples him to death.

DO NOT GIVE AWAY THE SHOCKING ENDING OF THIS POST.
posted by PlusDistance at 10:46 AM on March 11, 2010 [16 favorites]

Astro Zombie: I thought they drive off into some mountains with a voice over saying they'll live happily ever after,
posted by The Whelk at 10:47 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

So am I the only one who read that interview and instantly went "coked to the gills"? I can't be,
posted by The Whelk at 10:48 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

This sounds remarkably like a romantic drama screenplay I wrote where the third-act twist is they both get eaten by dinosaurs.
posted by Rory Marinich at 10:48 AM on March 11, 2010

Yes, regardless of anything, I will always kind of love Pattinson for those interviews about Twilight. They're fantastic.

Yeah I don't know whether to hate him or love him for so cynically cashing in on something that he loathes. It's certainly a thing, though.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:49 AM on March 11, 2010

I have good news for you!

No, no, a real nuclear war. One that wipes out the characters and leaves everything unresolved and empty and gone.
posted by Pope Guilty at 10:50 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

The real spoiler is when Robert Pattinson's character shows up on the island in LOST and kills Claire to protect Kate. Then he falls in love with Sawyer. Who's a werewolf.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:51 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

My nuclear war not man enough for you? Harumph!
posted by cashman at 10:52 AM on March 11, 2010

No, no, a real nuclear war. One that wipes out the characters and leaves everything unresolved and empty and gone.

It happens in the first reel and the rest of the movie is just a long steady shot of a dying landscape and quietness forever and ever. You know, like a Tarkovsky movie.
posted by The Whelk at 10:52 AM on March 11, 2010 [5 favorites]

Their meeting is orchestrated by Tyler's roommate, Tate, played by Aiden Hall.

Let me get this all straight. So Edward Cullen is playing a guy named Tyler who rooms with a guy named Tate who is played by someone named "Aiden" in real life.

Does it say explicitly that they attend NYU or are we just supposed to recognize that from the Tate-Tyler-Aiden stuff?

Emilie de Ravin? Emily of the Ravine? Like a swamp monster?
posted by anniecat at 10:52 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

Emily Von Swamp Monster, of the New Hampshire Swamp Monsters.
posted by The Whelk at 10:54 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

> No, no, a real nuclear war. One that wipes out the characters and leaves everything unresolved and empty and gone.

I have good news for you!

Well, kind of...
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:54 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

The Swamp Monster's coming out party for Emily was to die for.
posted by Babblesort at 10:55 AM on March 11, 2010

A spoiler? the ending or the entire film?
posted by Postroad at 10:56 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

No, no, a real nuclear war. One that wipes out the characters and leaves everything unresolved and empty and gone.

I'd love to see a movie like this, by the way. That's how they used to do it. Just end shit. Gallipoli style, Beneath the Planet of the Apes "In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead" style ending. No concern for your emotions. Just bam. Love that.
posted by cashman at 10:56 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

One of my best friends insists on calling Minnie Driver "Maxi Passenger," and I can't express how much I hate him for it.

In the same vein, I cannot hear the name John Travolta without thinking "Tron Javolta."
posted by brundlefly at 10:57 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

b2walton: "I hate it even more when Entertainment Weekly gives away the twist in Kick Ass in a tiny blurb under a picture."

Haha. Man I hope that movie is better than I know it will be.
posted by graventy at 10:58 AM on March 11, 2010

In the same vein, I cannot hear the name John Travolta without thinking "Tron Javolta."

If I ever made gay porn films I was going to call myself Jay Aggenda.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:59 AM on March 11, 2010 [9 favorites]

What do you call yourself in the straight porn films?
posted by Babblesort at 10:59 AM on March 11, 2010

Astro Zombone.
posted by The Whelk at 11:00 AM on March 11, 2010

You know, I've come to the conclusion that if something is good enough it can't really be spoiled. I mean, you can't escape from the classics - like this comment

Rosebud is the sled!
posted by briank at 11:21 AM on March 11

Reminded me that reading classic Peanuts cartoons in the late 70s "spoiled" Citizen Kane for me before I even knew what it was (reaction at age 8: what in the hell is funny about that?!). Was the movie "ruined" for me? Of course not. The fact that I knew the ending was a minor issue when I finally watched it.

Calling the revelation of a piece of shit ending to a piece of shit movie a "spolier" is, as has been alluded to upthread, redundant. Just as one cannot polish a turd, neither can one spoil it.
posted by nanojath at 11:03 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

If I ever made gay porn films I was going to call myself Jay Aggenda.

Fellatio Boneblower here.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:03 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

What do you call yourself in the straight porn films?

Oral Ajority.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:04 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

Max Hardsome.
posted by The Whelk at 11:05 AM on March 11, 2010

Was the movie "ruined" for me? Of course not. The fact that I knew the ending was a minor issue when I finally watched it.

Yeah, because seriously, if the reason your movie is good is that there's a twist at the end, your movie is not good.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:05 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

Robert Pattonson is quite the method actor.

Unfortunately, that method consists of looking like he's fighting back a bowel movement.
posted by dr_dank at 11:12 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

I need to share something with you all: when I first read the link, where they gave away the SEKRIT ENDING OMIGOD, I was pissed. 9/11 exploitation is a sore spot with me.

But then I read all of the glorious snark in here, and by the time I got to the end of this comment thread, I was feeling much better. The Blue Hath Done Laid The Smackdown and I am happy again. Thank you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:14 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

"I think all movies should end with the entire cast dying in a bus plunge."

So, The Italian Job?

Personally I think this twist is great. It demonstrates that just maybe people will get over this event. And if it is indeed a teen movie even better. Best to indoctrinate the up coming generation with the attitude that this was just another bad thing that happened no worse than the host of other bad things that happen every year.
posted by Mitheral at 11:16 AM on March 11, 2010

Perhaps they could have called it Muslims Vaporized my Boyfriend! Too subtle?
posted by Grangousier at 11:25 AM on March 11, 2010 [5 favorites]

When I was a kid I wanted to make a movie with interesting characters and an engaging plot, something that would draw you in and get you to care about what you were watching. Then, about 50 minutes in, nuclear war breaks out, and you're left totally hanging.

That's like the first minute of Dawn of the Dead.
posted by jimmythefish at 11:27 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Am I the only person who thinks Robert Pattinson is inherently gross and unattractive? Maybe it's just the tall, skinny, fey, pretending-to-be-a-tortured-artist-while-admitting-he's-really-depressed-and-actually-talentless "pity me! love me! fuck you, I hate you anyway, plebe" thing he's got going on.

I'd love to watch him die -- but not even for free, not even for Claire.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:29 AM on March 11, 2010

Why not have him die in a car crash or a train accident, or of cancer like all those movies in the 70s?

Love means never having to say wake up sheeple.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:30 AM on March 11, 2010 [8 favorites]

No, no, a real nuclear war. One that wipes out the characters and leaves everything unresolved and empty and gone.

My memory is a little fuzzy on this one, but there was a CBC radio sit-com called "Rumours and Boarders" about a family and their elderly boarder, a crotchety old lady. The show was just a light-hearted family comedy with the occasional slighty goofy sit-com situation and ran for years. And then one day, after following the mildly humorous trials and tribulations of this family for years, they were sitting outside watching fireworks on Canada day and suddently a great big meteorite smashed into the town (in Alberta, I think) and wiped them (and most of the prarie provinces) all out.

The episode ended with a voice-over narrator from the future talking about how things were disrupted for a while with the great disaster, but the meteorite crate became a lake and the area turned into an excellent tourist area.

Totally unexpected ending. I was in the lab, counting beetle larvae for a trial I was running when that played, and it totally caught me off guard. WTF.

Damn, I would like to listen to those again, just to listen if there was anything building up to it that I missed, or if it was just as out-of-the-blue as I remember.
posted by fimbulvetr at 11:31 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

One of my best friends insists on calling Minnie Driver "Maxi Passenger," and I can't express how much I hate him for it.

I only have myself to blame for MacroHard.
posted by jimmythefish at 11:31 AM on March 11, 2010

Personally I think this twist is great. It demonstrates that just maybe people will get over this event. And if it is indeed a teen movie even better. Best to indoctrinate the up coming generation with the attitude that this was just another bad thing that happened no worse than the host of other bad things that happen every year.

Tragic events like the attack on Pearl Harbor, Hiroshima, the Oklahoma City bombing and 9/11 are memorialized with good reason. Insipid movies can (and do) trivialize them, but I would certainly hope that we don't forget to teach the wider political and historical perspective beyond that. An attack against a country shouldn't be considered equivalent to a natural disaster.
posted by zarq at 11:33 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'd love to watch him die

Well Voldemort killed him that one time.
posted by Tenuki at 11:34 AM on March 11, 2010 [6 favorites]

So.... Too soon to discuss Shutter Island?
posted by Artw at 11:34 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Love means never having to say wake up sheeple.

I once knew somebody who owned a banana hammock shaped like an alligator, which played the theme from Love Story when you pressed on its snout. It was the damndest thing.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:37 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

So.... Too soon to discuss Shutter Island?

Don't do it here, because I haven't seen it yet and I want to be able to keep making dumb jokes in this thread.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:38 AM on March 11, 2010

I know what the trick-ending is just by the penumbra of the comments here. Without admitting what it is, I was thinking of great twisty endings I'd like to tack onto the end of Remember Me, instead, including:

1. He WAS the ghost!
2. IT'S A COOKBOOK!
3. OMG, SHE'S a HE!
posted by jabberjaw at 11:40 AM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

Is it sick of me that the spoiler makes me want to see this more, i love ludicrious endings (cf Orphan)
posted by PinkMoose at 11:40 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

When I was a kid I wanted to make a movie with interesting characters and an engaging plot, something that would draw you in and get you to care about what you were watching. Then, about 50 minutes in, nuclear war breaks out, and you're left totally hanging.

Here you are.
posted by kickingtheground at 11:41 AM on March 11, 2010

> No, no, a real nuclear war. One that wipes out the characters and leaves everything unresolved and empty and gone.

I have good news for you!

There's also this.

SPOILER ALERT: everyone dies in a nuclear war at the end.
posted by TedW at 11:41 AM on March 11, 2010

It's actually the future! The very tall building is the stairwell out of the eco-dome!
posted by Artw at 11:42 AM on March 11, 2010

Call me out if I'm wrong, but as I heard it this wasn't the end of the movie, but rather it continued on for a bit and dealt with the loss.
posted by flatluigi at 11:42 AM on March 11, 2010

Alternative ending ideas:

• The movie and the ending exist as they do now, in slate-gray romantic bathos, but it opens with the Empire State Building and closes with R-Pats dying when the ESB is leveled in a terrorist attack on 9/11. It ends with the titlecard "REMEMBER ME." Nothing else about the movie suggests that this is in any way an erroneous read of history.
• R-Pats pulls off his human-mask, revealing that he's actually a crying eagle. He turns to the camera and asks the viewer, basso profundo, "BUT WHAT WILL YOU DO TO AVENGE ME?" just before the ending.
• R-Pats sees the oncoming plane and tears off his shirt. His heart shoots pink beams of love at the plane, sending it flying into the Hudson River. Everyone lands safely, thanks to the expertise of Captain "Sully" Sullenberger. R-Pats and the Girl kiss. Happy ending. It's not until the drive home that viewers realize that not only is that ending psychotic for the obvious reasons, but it carries the bizarre implication that Sully was behind the 9/11 attacks.
• Same ending as now, except the World Trade Center is shown to be in Hawaii and is instead attacked by the Japanese.
• Director Allen Coulter personally shits on as many graves as he can.

posted by Sticherbeast at 11:42 AM on March 11, 2010 [28 favorites]

So.... Too soon to discuss Shutter Island?

Robert Pattinson is this generation's Leo DiCaprio.
posted by zarq at 11:42 AM on March 11, 2010

So.... Too soon to discuss Shutter Island?

I have to admit, the twist wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. And the film overall was much better than I was expecting.

My memory is a little fuzzy on this one, but there was a CBC radio sit-com called "Rumours and Boarders" about a family and their elderly boarder, a crotchety old lady. The show was just a light-hearted family comedy with the occasional slighty goofy sit-com situation and ran for years. And then one day, after following the mildly humorous trials and tribulations of this family for years, they were sitting outside watching fireworks on Canada day and suddently a great big meteorite smashed into the town (in Alberta, I think) and wiped them (and most of the prarie provinces) all out.

Wow, that's awesome! Now I wish that was how Corner Gas ended. Though I actually liked the series finale quite a bit, a meteorite strike makes everything better.
posted by kmz at 11:42 AM on March 11, 2010

You know what would have made this ending so much more tragic? They should have placed the twist ending right at the beginning of the movie, so that the viewers would have had to suffer the whole 90 minutes or however long this piece is, in the knowledge that there will be no happy ending to this story (even though this is what it would seem to be building up to), and yet still clinging on to the hope that everything would turn out well in the end...but no, the actual ending would still be the same (except longer and more painful).
posted by daniel_charms at 11:44 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

The spaceship lands next to a statue of Abraham Lincoln.... AS A MONKEY!
posted by Artw at 11:44 AM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

I have to admit, the twist wasn't exactly what I thought it would be.

Sadly I would say the opposite.
posted by Artw at 11:45 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

Why not all three?
posted by The Whelk at 11:46 AM on March 11, 2010

I would like to point out that both Remember Me and Reign Over Me were movies in some significant way about 9/11 where the ad campaigns did not mention this subject matter at all. What's up with that?

Do 9/11-themed movies get greenlit because it's a topic of interest, but then this aspect is downplayed in the ad campaigns when the distributor doesn't want to advertise "that 9/11 movie"? Or does the idea of springing 9/11 on people as a surprise plot element actually strike filmmakers as a good idea?
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:49 AM on March 11, 2010

Samuel L. Jackson staged 9/11 for his own amusement, Robert Pattinson is already dead, and the trees in Central Park kill everyone else. The End.
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 11:50 AM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Now I wish that was how Corner Gas ended.

Funny you mention that, but I thought the exact same thing when I watched the finale of Corner Gas. I was kinda hoping that they would pull off something like that. I loved that show, but a great big meteorite strike can't be beat.
posted by fimbulvetr at 11:51 AM on March 11, 2010

Dun- Dun - DUUUUUNH!

Bet you didn't see that coming!


Seriously this is like the worst idea ever. Hey by the way BRUCE WILLIS IS FUCKING DEAD TOO AND SPEAKING AS A HETEROSEXUAL MAN I THINK HES MORE SEXIER THAN GLITTERVAMP ANYWAY.
posted by Mister_A at 11:51 AM on March 11, 2010

I would like to point out that both Remember Me and Reign Over Me were movies in some significant way about 9/11 where the ad campaigns did not mention this subject matter at all. What's up with that?

It's a conspiracy by the ^Re.* Me$ Cabal
posted by kmz at 11:54 AM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

Samuel L. Jackson staged 9/11 for his own amusement

yes, but what's the spoiler?
posted by archivist at 11:56 AM on March 11, 2010

Root Beer tastes like toothpaste there I said it.

And cilantro tastes like a Band-Aid. AND Robert Pattison DOES look like a foot. On Jon Stewart, everyone seemed really swept up by the concept of him being handsome, and all I could think of was wow, this guy is creepy pale and his face... just doesn't look right. And now I know why.

I fear that in another ten years the definition of handsome will be a face like a plate of week-old sushi.
posted by kinnakeet at 11:58 AM on March 11, 2010

Tenuki: "Well Voldemort killed him that one time."

I like to mock Dumbledore's bathetic eulogy for him from the movie:

He was good, and true, and limber, and punctual...
posted by Joe Beese at 11:59 AM on March 11, 2010

So, it's like an Emo version of The Fighting Sullivans, only not based on a true story. Huh.
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:01 PM on March 11, 2010

Samuel L. Jackson staged 9/11 for his own amusement

yes, but what's the spoiler?

There were snakes on the motherfucking planes.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:02 PM on March 11, 2010

Why not have him die in a car crash ...

In a Toyota.
posted by ericb at 12:03 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Anyway, if you're wondering which end to hold, do NOT hold the secreting end.
posted by Mister_A at 12:03 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Why not have him die in a car crash ...

In a Toyota.

Too soon.
posted by Mister_A at 12:03 PM on March 11, 2010

There were snakes on the motherfucking planes.

Anyway, if you're wondering which end to hold, do NOT hold the secreting end.


I've learned a lot today.
posted by archivist at 12:06 PM on March 11, 2010

Edward Pattinson dies of 9/11 at the very end of Remember Me

Wait, wait, wait. He dies of 9/11? Is that a new cause of death?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 12:08 PM on March 11, 2010 [4 favorites]

The whole thing baffles me. Why would anyone write a movie with an unrelated storyline that just, BAMN, ends that way?

The Village Voice review makes some references to "Flash-forward 10 years, to the halcyon days of the Strokes and whatever other significant events happened in NYC circa 2001" and "Tyler's so bummed he can barely enjoy himself while watching escapist pre-9/11 multiplex fare like American Pie 2."

The movie could be a commentary on the shallowness of pre-9/11 life in NYC compared to the aftermath? Dunno. Maybe the message is the standard conservative one: "9/11 changed everything."

Robert Pattinson is this generation's Leo DiCaprio.

I'm not that well versed in either, but DiCaprio seemed like a better actor at that age. (This Boy's Life, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, The Basketball Diaries). I'm not sure I see the comparison. Chris O'Donnell?
posted by mrgrimm at 12:12 PM on March 11, 2010

But we don't want to think ourselves as flies, or see fly love stories.

sure we do, roger (OMG SPOILER)
posted by pyramid termite at 12:13 PM on March 11, 2010

***BZZZT! Oh no! I am a 9/11 bot!***
posted by Artw at 12:17 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Edward Pattinson dies of 9/11 at the very end of Remember Me

Now that's funny and all, but you could do a really good 9/11 movie where someone dies "of" 9/11–dies by degrees from the toxins inhaled or injuries sustained... a meditation on mortality and suffering... now that's drama!
posted by Mister_A at 12:18 PM on March 11, 2010

And all I can say is wow...can they get any more exploitative?

Yes.

Here is one way:

Instead of the boyfriend and girlfriend, they're two girlfriends, so we get lots of "hot" girl-girl action in the worst, Skinimax, sense of the phrase. Also, maybe one of them is black, but not like an actual black woman, just a Foxy Cleopatra caricature but played completely straight because the filmmakers don't know better.

Anyway, as the film is ending Girlfriend One calls Girlfriend Two at work and as always within 14 seconds they're deep into phone sex. So the scene alternates between them taking off their clothes and diddling themselves 'n'that, and the Girlfriend Two decides to stand up for some reason and walk over to the window of her office, so she's standing up bare-ass nekkid rubbing her boobs on the windows and playing with herself and as she badly pantomimes an orgasm, SMACK GOES THE AIRPLANE.

The shot of the wing impacting her office will be done in such loving slo-mo that it will take 9 minutes and 11 seconds.

Here is another way:

Boyfriend is an asshole workaholic jerk, but he falls down or has a car wreck or whatever and this makes him mentally disabled. Naturally, now that he's free of the corrupting influence of normal intelligence, he becomes both moral and happy even though he's demoted from being CEO and brain surgeon to janitor. And he's happily janitating someone's office who used to be his employee who he treated badly, and the person is mean to him, but they resolve their differences for some reason and as the former employee realizes that he's learned a valuable lesson and the boyfriend moves on to more happy janitating, BLAMMO.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:20 PM on March 11, 2010 [19 favorites]

All I want to say is after the first time I read a comment online saying Robert Pattison looks like a foot, I cannot unsee it.

BEHOLD!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:20 PM on March 11, 2010 [8 favorites]

I know what you mean. Whenever I see Quentin Tarantino's head, it always reminds me of a wedge of cheese.

And Renee Zellweger's face is like a sticky bun.
posted by Jody Tresidder at 12:21 PM on March 11, 2010

Wait, wait, wait. He dies of 9/11? Is that a new cause of death?

Not at all.
posted by cashman at 12:21 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm not that well versed in either, but DiCaprio seemed like a better actor at that age. (This Boy's Life, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, The Basketball Diaries). I'm not sure I see the comparison. Chris O'Donnell?

I'm not much of a DiCaprio fan, although I also haven't seen any of the three movies you mention. He strikes me as a bit of a one- or two-mode actor. He plays "intense" and "devious underdog" well. But I've never thought him particularly impressive.

I was thinking more along the lines of his becoming a teenage heartthrob following Titanic.

Was Chris O'Donnell ever much of a heartthrob?
posted by zarq at 12:22 PM on March 11, 2010

Wait, wait, wait. He dies of 9/11? Is that a new cause of death?

Yes. Pattinson is nine-elevened to death at the end of this movie.
posted by brundlefly at 12:26 PM on March 11, 2010

First I thought the guy who dies ( Robert Pattison ) was actually Patton Oswalt so I was happy with the ending. Now that I realize that they tricked me, I am outraged with the exploitation of 9/11. By the way, I get mixed up a lot.
posted by digsrus at 12:27 PM on March 11, 2010

Just as one cannot polish a turd...

WRONG!
posted by Splunge at 12:28 PM on March 11, 2010 [5 favorites]

Dolly Parton is working 9/11, working hard to make a living...
posted by Artw at 12:29 PM on March 11, 2010

How about a 9/11 ghost story? That would be scary as fuck.

Or else really lame.
posted by Mister_A at 12:31 PM on March 11, 2010

One good thing about this movie: no sequel
posted by bonehead at 12:32 PM on March 11, 2010

cashman raises an interesting point: Did 9/11 ruin hip-hop?
posted by Mister_A at 12:34 PM on March 11, 2010

It now seems to be semi-obligatory in books and comics set on an alternate earth to at some point reveal that the WTC is still standing and some other landmark has been blown up, often as a "suprise! it's an alternate earth!" moment.
posted by Artw at 12:35 PM on March 11, 2010

Mister_A Hip Hop was ruined by 1911, which was the year it became too commercial.
posted by Artw at 12:36 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's too bad those comics can't go Dun- Dun - DUUUUUNH!

when that happens. You could put a sound chip in though I guess.
posted by Mister_A at 12:36 PM on March 11, 2010

Rudy Giuliani's 2010 Christmas List:

- Remember Me DVD
- six-pack of hand lotion
- 9/11 commemorative towel
posted by brain_drain at 12:38 PM on March 11, 2010 [7 favorites]

First I thought the guy who dies ( Robert Pattison ) was actually Patton Oswalt so I was happy with the ending.

Holy crap, you just gave me the best idea for a remake of Twilight that would absolutely fucking rule.
posted by quin at 12:39 PM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

Whenever I hear or read Remember Me I think of this.
posted by Mister_A at 12:39 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

How about a 9/11 ghost story? That would be scary as fuck.

Sounds sort of like this.
posted by brundlefly at 12:40 PM on March 11, 2010

Yeah that would be one way to do it, brundlefly.
posted by Mister_A at 12:47 PM on March 11, 2010

Rudy Giuliani's 2010 Christmas List:

- Remember Me DVD
- six-pack of hand lotion
- 9/11 commemorative towel

-Michael Steele to return his phonecalls.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:47 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

If there's one thing 9/11 needs, it's a Weekend at Bernies style comedy.
posted by Artw at 12:53 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Tenuki: "Well Voldemort killed him that one time."

I like to mock Dumbledore's bathetic eulogy for him from the movie:

He was good, and true, and limber, and punctual...

I just now, just this second realized Pattinson was Cedric Diggory. Huh, I actually did think he was somewhat attractive as Diggory, but have never ever found him attractive otherwise and didn't even see the resemblance.
posted by Mavri at 12:56 PM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

Yeah only Bernie's a charred and smoldering corpse! Or a shattered bag of bones with a flattened head. Wait I'm getting things all mixed up with Beetlejuice now.
posted by Mister_A at 12:56 PM on March 11, 2010

Edward James Olmos leaves a tiny origami unicorn on the table at the end.
posted by generichuman at 1:07 PM on March 11, 2010 [6 favorites]

I keep intending to see Little Ashes, which looks like the greatest art history alternative universe slashfic ever. That is my confession of the day. Otherwise, if Pattinson is going to go around nattering about his vagina allergy, he should just, you know, come out already. It's less undignified.

But ColdChef? Nobody is all up in social media like 12 year old girls. Your nieces have already heard about the ending; trust me on this. They may be hoping it's another Titanic weepfest, so don't be surprised if the ending is actually why they want to see it.
posted by jokeefe at 1:17 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

But ColdChef? Nobody is all up in social media like 12 year old girls. Your nieces have already heard about the ending; trust me on this. They may be hoping it's another Titanic weepfest, so don't be surprised if the ending is actually why they want to see it.

Ditto this. It's tragedy porn, for the junior Lifetime Network set.
posted by availablelight at 1:22 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

heyho, let's go, that's exactly it!
posted by Mister_A at 1:33 PM on March 11, 2010

brundlefly: "How about a 9/11 ghost story? That would be scary as fuck.

Sounds sort of like this."

That book so creeped me out as a teenager. I know I have it around here somewhere. I never throw away a book.
posted by Splunge at 1:38 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I wish it was called NEVER FORGET ME
posted by braksandwich at 1:46 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

Now he rides the building down to the ground

Like this?
posted by kirkaracha at 1:51 PM on March 11, 2010

...and then, after the entire scenario is played out and Emily de Ravin walks away from his grave, the funeral director looks at his coffee mug and sees that it's a promo mug for Twilight featuring Robert Pattinson, Emily de Ravin suddenly stops limping, and as she gives a wry grin to the camera the funeral director and the audience realize simultaneously that THE SMOKE MONSTER IS 9/11
posted by shakespeherian at 1:56 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

...created by the 9/11 dust generated by the Spielberg War of the Wars explodo ray.
posted by Artw at 2:11 PM on March 11, 2010

War of the Wars was, like, way too warry for me.
posted by Mister_A at 2:14 PM on March 11, 2010 [3 favorites]

Much better than Roses of the World.
posted by Artw at 2:16 PM on March 11, 2010

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT!

The War to End All Wars both wins and loses.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:50 PM on March 11, 2010

robocop is bleeding: "I would pay 20$ to go see a movie called Horrible Things happen to Edward Cullen. It would be a two hour montage of Cullen-torment inspired by Wile E. Coyote, The Big Book of Bunny Suicides, and 3,000 years of Man's inhumanity to Man."

SAW? With Pattinson as the victim???
posted by symbioid at 2:52 PM on March 11, 2010

One good thing about this movie: no sequel

But, duh! Prequel!
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:15 PM on March 11, 2010

The War to End All Wars both wins and loses.

And then the Whore of the War stabs him in the back and runs off with the treasure.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:17 PM on March 11, 2010

This is nothing. The Daily Show and the Colbert Report are not on Hulu anymore. My queue looks so empty every morning.
posted by pecknpah at 4:18 PM on March 11, 2010 [2 favorites]

And then the Whore of the War stabs him in the back and runs off with the treasure.

I thought that was Yossarian in Gone with the War.
posted by Splunge at 4:22 PM on March 11, 2010

I LOVE IT WHEN MOVIE ENDINGS ARE RUINED. It's so chaotic in its seeming resolution of the unknown.
posted by unknowncommand at 5:39 PM on March 11, 2010

So, I'm late to the party here. Did I miss anything? Secret ending? He fixes the cable?
posted by Mcable at 6:07 PM on March 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

you know, i was sad this wasn't going to be a movie version of christopher pike's classic 1989 book of the same name. when's he gonna get his day?
posted by misanthropicsarah at 6:17 PM on March 11, 2010

ALL LINKS SPOILERIFFIC LIKE "WHOA!"

Black Rob?
posted by eddydamascene at 10:03 PM on March 11, 2010

“Note to script writers: historical tragedies do not make good endings. They could potentially be good openings, but bad endings.”

Apropos of good openings, I kind of liked Delillo's Falling man.
posted by adoarns at 10:47 PM on March 11, 2010

Did I miss anything? Secret ending? He fixes the cable?

Don't be fatuous.
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:00 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

you know, i was sad this wasn't going to be a movie version of christopher pike's classic 1989 book of the same name. when's he gonna get his day?

You'd think he'd be too busy scooting around the galaxy in his starship to get any writing done.
posted by misha at 6:51 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh man, I loved Christopher Pike. I would totally pay to see THAT movie.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:21 AM on March 12, 2010

This was hilarious and subtle, but sadly fixed.
posted by graventy at 8:11 AM on March 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

JoKeefe - Little Ashes was theoretically good, but one of those movies where the director is more interested in pretending to be the cinematographer in slow-mo than actually telling a story. Enjoy the clips on YouTube- they're the best parts of the movie. Campionesque without the Jane Campion POV.

(PS, The Haunted Airman is on my Netflix queue, so if you were tempted by that bit of Rpattzabilia, I can let you know if that's worth watching as well.)
posted by headspace at 8:16 AM on March 12, 2010

Black Rob?

I'm glad I wasn't the only one. Whoa.

(whoa!)
posted by mrgrimm at 8:43 AM on March 12, 2010

90,000 get
posted by tehloki at 8:48 AM on March 12, 2010

I am so, so sorry
posted by jtron at 9:12 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Man I hope that movie [KickAss] is better than I know it will be.

I was put off of it as soon as I saw the trailer in which the would-be superheroes are wearing capes. And I said, Really? Capes? Did we not see The Incredibles?

Superheroes who existed and wore capes before The Incredibles may continue to wear them under a grandfather clause, but no new superheroes should be wearing them unless they are also supposed to be complete idiots.

As to the original topic, I have absolutely no objection to spoiling bad movies. Good movies with twists should not be spoiled for those who do not wish to be spoiled, not because the movie becomes bad if you know the twist in advance, but because it's a different experience watching it with or without knowing. As for bad movies, I'm reminded of Ebert's review of The Life of David Gale, which he absolutely savaged (0 stars). His initial review didn't spoil it ("The secrets of the plot must remain unrevealed by me, so that you can be offended by them yourself, but let it be said this movie is about as corrupt, intellectually bankrupt and morally dishonest as it could possibly be without David Gale actually hiring himself out as a joker at the court of Saddam Hussein.") but in a subsequent Q&A column a reader asked, why not spoil it if it's so bad, to which Ebert basically replied, hmm, you're right, and went ahead and revealed the ending. (Gale has framed himself for a murder so he would be executed, then revealed to be innocent, in an attempt to increase opposition to capital punishment.)
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:49 AM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

I always think those commercials with the bars on top are for DVDs and am perplexed I can't remember the movie coming out in theaters. Don't ask me why. Did DVDs start the trend or something?

Also, you can have your character die tragically and unexpectedly at the end without invoking an actual catastrophe.
posted by Eideteker at 12:02 PM on March 12, 2010

headspace-- thanks for the offer. I'm not particularly a Pattinson fan, except for his public disdain of Twilight, which made me laugh.

Little Ashes was theoretically good, but one of those movies where the director is more interested in pretending to be the cinematographer in slow-mo than actually telling a story. Enjoy the clips on YouTube- they're the best parts of the movie.

Further confession: I just want to see the pretty boy angsty makeout scenes. A quick spin around the internet tells me that I am not alone. There is an underserved market here; is Hollywood paying attention?
posted by jokeefe at 12:03 PM on March 12, 2010

Sorry, TPS, it's a good likeness and all, but the Twilight vampires don't have fangs.
posted by jabberjaw at 12:32 PM on March 12, 2010

but the Twilight vampires don't have fangs.

Waitaminnut.

So I've only seen one scene from the Twilight movie. It's this scene (embedded about halfway down). It's my favorite scene from any movie, ever.

We later learn that he was overcome with an incredible, nearly uncontrollable desire to rip out her throat and drink her sweet, sulky blood on the spot, but what it really looks like is a guy who probably needs some alone time in the bathroom, and a fresh pair of pants.

Are you telling me that Mr. Cullen can't, in fact "rip out her throat"?
posted by muddgirl at 12:39 PM on March 12, 2010

"I was put off of it as soon as I saw the trailer in which the would-be superheroes are wearing capes. And I said, Really? Capes? Did we not see The Incredibles?

"Superheroes who existed and wore capes before The Incredibles may continue to wear them under a grandfather clause, but no new superheroes should be wearing them unless they are also supposed to be complete idiots."

That's crazy talk. There must be be dozens of ways to construct a tear away cape. Just because some fashion designer has a thing against capes doesn't mean everyone going forward needs to avoid them.
posted by Mitheral at 1:27 PM on March 12, 2010

There must be be dozens of ways to construct a tear away cape.

There are also at least two superheros where the cape is actually essential to their skills; Batman uses his to glide and Spawn uses his to... well, everything.

I guess I subscribe to the book of "Give me a good reason for a sup to need a cape, and I'll buy it. But if it's just a fashion statement, leave it off."
posted by quin at 1:38 PM on March 12, 2010

"Oh, how I want to frolic naked through his hair."
posted by elizardbits at 1:39 PM on March 12, 2010

My cape is made out of duct tape. It can do anything.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:42 PM on March 12, 2010

When I was in school I knew a guy who thought it was the cape that enabled a superhero to fly, and for this reason believed that Batman was able to fly. This kind of thinking still causes me to become enraged.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:35 PM on March 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

This kind of thinking still causes me to become enraged.

That made me laugh way too hard.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:10 PM on March 12, 2010

I just saw the film this afternoon... I had only seen the Front Page Post so I managed to get to theatre having no clue as to the ending other than it was controversial enough to generate 200+ comments. I pretty much saw it so I read and post in this thread.

- I liked it but not enough to really recommend it. I'm a sucker for tragic melodrama, it is so overwrought it reminded me of Japanese or South Korean films where Romantic=Someone Dies generally.

- There are so many spoilers over the internet the only people who didn't know the ending were me and some girl in the back of theatre who screamed "Nooooo!" at the big reveal.

Do they make it clear in the movie what year it is?

- I feel like an idiot for not guessing the ending. The first scene is a flashback that showed the Twin Towers in the background, but I've come to expect any flashback to pre-9/11 New York to include that (such as in the film Munich and the American version of Life on Mars). I wish I remembered the date given to the flashback at the beginning and I think there might of been misdirection in that one character lies about her age. Also, President Bush is giving a speech in the background of one scene.
posted by bobo123 at 6:26 PM on March 12, 2010

There are also at least two superheros where the cape is actually essential to their skills; Batman uses his to glide and Spawn uses his to... well, everything.

Yes, that's why I allowed a grandfather clause for pre-Incredibles heroes. Not to mention that the physics of Batman using his cape as a quasi-parachute/glider are highly suspect at best. Ever notice how big hang-gliders and parachutes are in real life? Yeah. There's a reason for that. Batman's cape wouldn't cut it. We'll let him get away with it since he's been doing it for 70+ years, but new heroes don't get that indulgence.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:51 AM on March 13, 2010

Another person who wishes this had been about the Christopher Pike version, which I fucking loved when I was a tween.

Although I'd sooner see a film adaptation of his Final Friends trilogy, which was where I learned about valium and contraceptive sponges and which didn't have all that weird-ass new age/alien stuff that I vaguely remember as ruining the third Remember Me book and has now got me wondering if Christopher Pike has any links to Scientology.
posted by the latin mouse at 4:09 PM on March 14, 2010

I kind of want to bring them just so I can watch their little hearts shatter at the end. Does that make me a bad uncle? -ColdChef

Yes. I'm not kidding.
posted by soelo at 11:05 PM on March 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

So R-Pattz dies in 9/11, the camera pulls back to show the cloud rising over manhattan. It has a silver lining.
posted by biffa at 2:28 PM on March 21, 2010

...and then Doctor Doom cries.
posted by Artw at 2:34 PM on March 21, 2010 [3 favorites]

...because he didn't think of it first.
posted by The Whelk at 4:09 PM on March 21, 2010

Ever notice how big hang-gliders and parachutes are in real life? Yeah. There's a reason for that. Batman's cape wouldn't cut it. We'll let him get away with it since he's been doing it for 70+ years, but new heroes don't get that indulgence.

Issues like this are why I need to track down a copy of Becoming Batman.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 6:06 PM on March 21, 2010

Blue Öyster Cult would seem to have us believe that Edward looks like a foot as the result of a blood-born illness contracted via vampirism. Also, he infected his victim with cow-face.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:19 PM on March 27, 2010

Speaking of BOC, you know who could beat Batman?

Joan Crawford!
posted by Splunge at 11:14 PM on March 27, 2010