All of us abuse the hand sanitizer:

July 19, 2002 2:22 PM

All of us abuse the hand sanitizer: True porn clerk stories.
posted by muckster (32 comments total)

lol, there are some good reads in here... thanks for the link.
posted by lotsofno at 2:30 PM on July 19, 2002

The author of this was actually recently on This American Life, and makes this very quote.
posted by malphigian at 2:33 PM on July 19, 2002

i read through the whole thing. thanks, muckster. retail seems like a hard job, and i've lucked out in not having to work at such a job. imagine working at an actual porn store? it's not just videos you have to watch out for, and the freaks are multiplied.
posted by moz at 3:10 PM on July 19, 2002

Jesus, this is a great read. Hey everyone! Go read this, dammit! She's smart and funny!
posted by Skot at 3:25 PM on July 19, 2002

you rabbit-humper! i was JUST about to post this. stupid me for reading all of it first. :(
posted by jcterminal at 3:33 PM on July 19, 2002

She has great style, a new site to keep an eye on.
posted by rotifer at 3:58 PM on July 19, 2002

My recently-deceased uncle worked as a graveyard-shift porn clerk to support himself while he was going to school in Phoenix in the 80's. After reading all the entries from this link and comparing them to the stories I remember my uncle telling me, I can conclude that the major difference between then and now is VHS has become DVD. Other than that it sounds pretty much the same. I really wish he was still alive, I know this is one post he'd have enjoyed immensely.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:59 PM on July 19, 2002

One of my best friends used to work in the porn room of a popular video store north of campus, she too had some harrowing tales to tell. The character types are familiar. Porn has become the armpit of contemporary culture, that awkward intersection separating the hand from the heart and the head. Great writing, and I hope - whatever else is sacraficed at $6.50/hour - inspiration remains.

Donate if you can :) they could obviously use a hand...
posted by priyanga at 4:17 PM on July 19, 2002

separately, they couldn't get porn, but together they were unstoppable. - from the Symbiots.
posted by ODiV at 4:22 PM on July 19, 2002

And besides - do we really need to raise another generation of men who can't deal with pubic hair?

Amen!
posted by kush at 4:40 PM on July 19, 2002

When I was in college I worked at a video store with a rather large porn section, so I really, really enjoyed reading those stories. I definitely remember some of our, er... regulars, like the guy who would come in on our "rent two, get one free" day and, every time, would pick out two porn flicks and a Alfred Hitchcock movie. And he would never rent anything else.
posted by nstop at 4:50 PM on July 19, 2002

I knew Hitchcock was good, but I didn't know he was that good.
posted by mattpfeff at 5:16 PM on July 19, 2002

The person that thought David Cop-A-Feel was the best porn title that aped a real movie obviously hasn't heard of Three Men and a Maybe.
posted by WolfDaddy at 5:31 PM on July 19, 2002

Whoa there, WolfDaddy-o. The greatest porn title of all time that borrows from a major-studio release is either E3 the Extra Testicle or Romancing the Bone, with Saving Ryan's Privates a close third.

However, feel free to substitute almost anything on this list, they're all pretty good.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:58 PM on July 19, 2002

(aside : I mentioned this link on my blog yesterday, but I just retrofitted the trackback URL into my post just to check out the new functionality, and yes, it does work. Cool.)
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:14 PM on July 19, 2002

This post rocks. My fave line of what I've read so far?

"Nobody's thought of an answer yet, and we're not really sure we want to toss him for loitering. He is, after all, just putting on makeup.

But why in our porn section? It has such harsh fluorescent lighting."
posted by Windigo at 6:26 PM on July 19, 2002

I don't understand why she was digging at the guy, Mr. Pig, for "abusing" the punch card system, it's the store that has the dumb system. Why would any renter keep the damn card after getting six punches? It's not a "scam" because he's not trying to trick anyone, he's exploiting a loophole perhaps, but it's not like he's faking the punches or anything.
posted by bobo123 at 6:41 PM on July 19, 2002

When oh when will the porn industry accept my pitch for the sci-fi porn epic, In Da Panties Day?

Oh, and this is a great link. Plus it's hosted on a pretty cool site that provides lots of resources for people interested in improv.
posted by toddshot at 6:42 PM on July 19, 2002

Okay, who can identify with one of the customer types?

C'mon, be honest...
posted by tommasz at 6:48 PM on July 19, 2002

That's Shaving Ryan's Privates, Crash.

Okay, howabout Indian Joan and the Temple of Poon? That's one's better than the one on the list you submitted.

Title-wise, anyways, I wouldn't know about content ;-)
posted by WolfDaddy at 7:18 PM on July 19, 2002

Yeah, yeah, I of course meant shaving. Screw the spell-checker, I want a context-checker.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:27 PM on July 19, 2002

The canonical example, lately, seems to be Forrest Hump. I've heard it half a dozen times.

But this gave me a new adjective to use: plateheaded. Hardly any results in google ...
posted by dhartung at 9:03 PM on July 19, 2002

I've heard of a porn flick called "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Breast", but frankly I don't know if it's an actual movie or just a joke name...
posted by clevershark at 9:17 PM on July 19, 2002

excellent link. i'll be up for hours reading this. damn good writing too.
posted by sixtwenty3dc at 9:52 PM on July 19, 2002

We've been over this people. The canonical example is Edward Penis-Hands.
posted by NortonDC at 10:33 PM on July 19, 2002

Very witty, and right on, based on my own experience as a video store clerk.
posted by bingo at 11:17 PM on July 19, 2002

LoL, my gf and I joke 'bout David Cop-a-Feel every now and then, didn't actually think it was something real...
posted by hobbes at 11:30 PM on July 19, 2002

::says in a madeline l'engle tone::

well, there is such a thing as a clockwork orgy..
posted by lotsofno at 12:16 AM on July 20, 2002

best quote:

"When you're scrutinizing the charming cover art of White Trash Whore the last thing you want is to be chastized by a booming voice from above."
posted by rhyax at 12:23 AM on July 20, 2002

Delightful link.

I hate it when people chip away at our likelihood to cut a good person a break. Especially when they�re just trying to save up for the next entry in the Stop! My Ass is on Fire! series.
posted by Zurishaddai at 1:14 AM on July 20, 2002

my boyfriend works part time at a porn shop, but only because he ends up raking in almost $9/hour there, and most jobs in town pay about $6/hour.

i had him read this and he thought it was great :) he said he's going to print it out and leave it at work for everyone to read
posted by mabelcolby at 11:44 AM on July 21, 2002

On that wage, I'd be saving some more money. Hand sanitizer is expensive.

A $0.99 bottle of 70% USP rubbing alcohol does the same job but without the "replenishing" quaities of sanitizer. Make it almost identical by adding a $1.50 2 L bottle of hand cream.

Did I just say hand cream?

Ooops.
posted by shepd at 9:55 PM on July 21, 2002