Musto

January 6, 2003 9:36 PM

Who the h*ll is Michael Musto talking about when he writes these columns? [And, furthermore, why do I read them?]
posted by adrober (20 comments total)

No one. Musto would be stupid to actually unearth true stories, only to provide information so scant as to be worthless. These are all, all, all lies.

Why do you read them? Because you have a good healthy sense of curiosity, and a measure of human optimism that forces you to believe that there is some truth behind these tales. It is misplaced.
posted by Epenthesis at 9:45 PM on January 6, 2003

Popbitch
/obligatory
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:00 PM on January 6, 2003

I would wager that it's not human optimism that hopes for the worst to be true on a scandal mongering rumorsheet such as this column, but rather a schadenfreude bordering on malice. as to the "furthermore" question above, I have no idea, adrober... I have no idea.
posted by jonson at 10:01 PM on January 6, 2003

Admittedly, his blind items are always shorter on cagey identifiers than the items other gossip columnists. Well, setting aside whatever it was that Eleanor Roosevelt said about simple minds talking about people, some of these are quite easy:

What lesbian funny lady once dated that omnisexual singer? Who plays a gay, but says he isn't so in real life (and no, it isn't the Will & Grace guy), though he went out with that male indie star for about six months, which would make him, duh, gay?

If you can't fill in those blanks, then you don't deserve to participate in shallow faggy conversations!
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:28 PM on January 6, 2003

::Bows head sadly, for he doesnt know the answer to RJ's post::
But I think the old sitcom star who called one co-star heaven, the other a delight, and the third "a cunt" must be a Golden Girl. Don't you think? The numbers add up. They really do.
posted by adrober at 10:37 PM on January 6, 2003

Which acting titan, say the whispers, likes to make a cocky on people, though he does so, sanitarily enough, with a glass table between them (though bear in mind this tidbit gets assigned to a different actor about every three years)?

Can someone please explain what the hell this sentence means? Am I just behind in my gay celebrity gossip column slang? (Note: this would not be surprising.)

I think you're right about the Golden Girls, adrober.
posted by hippugeek at 11:19 PM on January 6, 2003

Can someone please explain what the hell this sentence means?

Think number two on a glass table. Let your imagination soar.

I don't know why I read it either.
posted by hama7 at 11:34 PM on January 6, 2003

A South Park episode from a few seasons ago had Mr. Garrison teaching the children sexual positions...I learned QUITE a few new phrases myself that episode (the term for the Glass Table Stunt is related to the "dirty sanchez", but I forget the actual term). The ensuing Googling, apart from turning up a vast quantity of stuff I'd really prefer to be able to sear from my memory, brought up this little gem I doubt I ever would have found otherwise: Wooden Artist Models Demonstrating Your Favorite Positions.
posted by babylon at 11:51 PM on January 6, 2003

if i took one of those "how gay are you" tests on thespark.com and scored about a 35% shouldn't i at least know about 10% of what/who michael musto is talking about?

someone needs to run this through a translator for me b/c i'd definitely like to know who he's talking about. i like shallow faggy conversations which is probably why i got that 35%.
posted by suprfli at 12:45 AM on January 7, 2003

Wow, babylon, what a find. Whoever created it is the best kind of lunatic. Loved the Dirty Dictionary ("discussing Uganda?"). Bravo.

They even link to Mom's site.
posted by mediareport at 1:05 AM on January 7, 2003

Musto suffers from both Gayer Than Thou and NYcentricity and it's terminal. Some say 'but what a way to go' while others would say 'just go'.

The phrase 'make a cocky' sounds an awful lot like the word 'bukkake', which might explain the glass table reference as well.
posted by yonderboy at 1:12 AM on January 7, 2003

Thanks. I think.
posted by hippugeek at 2:08 AM on January 7, 2003

[And, furthermore, why do I read them?]

I don't know. Why do you post them on MeFi?
posted by matteo at 2:12 AM on January 7, 2003

The real question, adrober, is why you continue to share Michael Musto columns with us...
posted by dogmatic at 3:04 AM on January 7, 2003

Wise American English teacher once said: if a writer asks so many questions as rhetorical device and seems not to get around to answers, he is wasting your time and is a bad writer.
posted by Postroad at 3:41 AM on January 7, 2003

I looked up the South Park reference put forth by babylon. I give you...

The Cleveland Steamer

posted by putzface_dickman at 4:52 AM on January 7, 2003

> Because you have a good healthy sense of curiosity, and a
> measure of human optimism that forces you to believe that
> there is some truth behind these tales.

The same kind of optimism that brings fans to NASCAR races hoping for a fiery crash?


> If you can't fill in those blanks, then you don't deserve to
> participate in shallow faggy conversations!

Fuller can't fill in blanks. Dislocates shoulder patting self on back.
posted by jfuller at 7:34 AM on January 7, 2003

What MeFier has no idea what Musto is writing about and is leaving this thread for something more worth her employer's time?
posted by orange swan at 8:18 AM on January 7, 2003

What tired, overworked, hacklike writing technique is way overused here?

and

Who gives a shit?
posted by Vidiot at 7:47 AM on January 8, 2003

Folks who read alt.gossip.celebrities, of which I am not one, posit guesses as to blind items, and lots of their guesses are posted here.
posted by GaelFC at 3:04 PM on January 13, 2003