Grow six inches overnight!

August 6, 2003 8:56 AM

Ever wonder who would respond to penis-enlargement spam? Corporate CEOs, veterinarians and athletic coaches, to name a few.
posted by Oriole Adams (45 comments total)

Well, I can understand you might answer one of these things if you Need it... But that's why I always buy "Snap-on" tools. They're built for professional use, built for hard use, stand up to the strains of high torque, not to mention dependable, and practically unbreakable. The grips are specially designed for both comfort and safety, and wipe off cleanly, for a finish that will last for years.

So, remember, if you're not getting the most from your tool, don't try to fix it - make your next one a "Snap-On!"
posted by Perigee at 9:06 AM on August 6, 2003

Oh good... so it's not just me.
posted by Witty at 9:07 AM on August 6, 2003

As the manager of a $6 billion mutual fund, I just want to say thanks Amazing Internet Products for my new, huge penis! I'm delighted.
posted by Outlawyr at 9:07 AM on August 6, 2003

hot damn. self-employment, here i come!
posted by quonsar at 9:08 AM on August 6, 2003

God that makes me proud. Next time I'm downtown I'll have to drop by the mills and say thanks. First the Segway, now the pcikle pumping pills. What's next from downtown Manchester? Maybe they'll join forces and create a penis pump that helps you get into bed.
posted by yerfatma at 9:09 AM on August 6, 2003

Ever wonder who would respond to penis-enlargement spam? .... veterinarians....

That would explain all the well hung schnauzers I've been seeing lately.
posted by jonmc at 9:13 AM on August 6, 2003

has provided the world with a depressing answer to the question: Who in their right mind would buy something from a spammer?
"There's a sucker born every minute."
posted by thomcatspike at 9:16 AM on August 6, 2003

I live near Manchester, perhaps we should organize some sort of campaign against these spammers by reporting them to local religious groups, media groups, the police, better business, etc... Who's with me?
posted by crazy finger at 9:21 AM on August 6, 2003

An investigation (registration to Salon.com required) last month revealed that Bournival's mentor and business partner is Davis Wolfgang Hawke, a chess expert and former neo-Nazi leader who turned to the spam business in 1999 after it became public that his father was Jewish.

Spam - the next Prozac.
posted by widdershins at 9:24 AM on August 6, 2003

Sooo...pretty much all the people we've been calling "dickless wonders" all these years, right?
posted by briank at 9:24 AM on August 6, 2003

"There was a picture on the top of the page that said, 'As Seen on TV,' and I guess that made me think it was legit," said a San Diego salesman who ordered two bottles of Pinacle in early July.

Thanks for fucking everything up for the rest of us, you fucking moron.
posted by Witty at 9:25 AM on August 6, 2003

Flash mob.
posted by VulcanMike at 9:29 AM on August 6, 2003

I just can't believe the cash this twit must be clearing. Where do I sign up to be an "associate"?
posted by jalexei at 9:31 AM on August 6, 2003

good link thomcatspike
posted by monkeyJuice at 9:33 AM on August 6, 2003

"Spam spam spam spam, Spam spam spam spam, Spam, wonderfull spam!!" (Vikings drain beer mugs, collapse in drunken heaps, fall asleep staring at their crotches).
posted by troutfishing at 9:36 AM on August 6, 2003

I love the image of the chess-playing, evil-spam overlord running away from a Wired reporter...
posted by armacy at 9:40 AM on August 6, 2003

I say anyone dumb enough to fall for it deserves to get burned (not sure on the public humiliation part). The only thing that really irritates me is the spamming. Kudos to this motherfucker.
posted by angry modem at 9:45 AM on August 6, 2003

Adding inches to that penis can be a costly proposition! Here's a helpful hint: all the savvy guys I know finance their penis enlargement treatments with the money they earn from investing in Nigerian high finance deals.
posted by madamjujujive at 9:48 AM on August 6, 2003

crazy finger is on to something here. We have seen that only fighting spam with technology isn't good enough -- the fight has to expanded into the real world as well, with exposure and law-suits. Notice how the spammer in the Wired article ran away when the reporter tracked him down at the chess tournament.
Ideally, no-one would respond to spam, of course, and it would eventually die. But the morons (and mutual fund managers) of the world aren't very cooperative.
posted by Triplanetary at 9:48 AM on August 6, 2003

I always thought that a Corporate CEO wouldn't need a large penis to impress a girl.

Things I wanted to say:
I thought Corporate CEO's were already big enough pricks.
I thought Corporate CEO's already had big tools working for them.
&c.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:00 AM on August 6, 2003

Perhaps if men weren't so insecure about talking about their bodies to other men, they wouldn't feel so inadequate and competitive when it comes to their dicks.

Of course, if males were truly like this, the phrase "There's a sucker born every minute" would have entirely other meaning.
posted by WolfDaddy at 10:05 AM on August 6, 2003

" I always thought that a Corporate CEO wouldn't need a large penis to impress a girl."
The money gets them in bed, but the 15" penis with special glowing herbal healing power keeps them there.
posted by Outlawyr at 10:08 AM on August 6, 2003

yes, but how does one make their penis smaller?
posted by DragonBoy at 10:09 AM on August 6, 2003

...manager of a $6 billion mutual fund...
MidasMulligan?

DragonBoy: Live in Houston, TX
posted by i_cola at 10:10 AM on August 6, 2003

and let us never forget the tragedy of wally simmons
posted by Peter H at 10:12 AM on August 6, 2003

what IF flash mobs started turning up at places spammers hang out... what if there were 150 angry, name calling people chasing him through the corridor? what if this started happening to a lot of spammers?
posted by quonsar at 10:18 AM on August 6, 2003

yes, but how does one make their penis smaller?

Waiting for Guffman has a scene about that.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 10:27 AM on August 6, 2003

and let us never forget the tragedy of wally simmons
(thinking his post is not true or barely) Which pills did he take; the morning radio jocks in Dallas talked about these saying they worked which can be found at vitamin outlets.
posted by thomcatspike at 10:38 AM on August 6, 2003

i_cola, Your suggestion has been less successful than the pills.
posted by DragonBoy at 10:50 AM on August 6, 2003

i'd give it time dragon, i hear houston does in fact have this holistic effect

I love the image of the chess-playing, evil-spam overlord running away from a Wired reporter...
yes absolutely! that part killed me, such a funny scene. wouldnt call him an overlord tho, i got more of an image of a lumpy guy with that marmy haircut that looks like a combover but isnt. you know he had to be a total prick too, for them to include the snark of him running away in the actual article ..too f-ckin funny

thinking his post is not true or barely
thomcat, wally simmons is part of the message board message board
posted by Peter H at 11:27 AM on August 6, 2003

This explains the geeky kid running past my house with a trail of chess pieces behind him... who knew such journalistic drama happened in Merrimack?
posted by MediaMan at 11:33 AM on August 6, 2003

dgaicun presents: 10 Second Plays:

*door bell*

Tycoon: "Oh boy my pills just arrived in the mail" [walks down winding staircase of multi-million dollar masion]. "Wow, 400 bottles, I can't wait to add FIVE FULL INCHES TO [MY] PENIS!"

*crunch crunch crunch* "Hey, y'know these penis pills taste kind of like Smarties". . . *crunch . . . crunch . . . . . . crunch * . . . "waaiittt a minute" . . .

[extreme overhead shot. shouting at sky] ". . . Damn you Jewish neo-Nazis and your crooked spam empires!!!"

[fin]
posted by dgaicun at 11:51 AM on August 6, 2003

Amazing that a bunch of people for whom you would think good judgement and making sound descisions would be an integral part of their jobs, could do business with a company offering no contact details and using no security measures for financial data, but who did have "As Seen on TV" on the site.

And for such obviously bogus merchandise. Scary.

There are even more clueless people than I thought.
posted by Blue Stone at 12:04 PM on August 6, 2003

This is bullshit. There are plenty of things on the internet that enlarge my penis.
posted by Hildago at 12:32 PM on August 6, 2003

There are even more clueless people than I thought.

They need to be eradicated.
posted by Witty at 12:32 PM on August 6, 2003

This is bullshit. There are plenty of things on the internet that enlarge my penis.

Dammit Hildago are you cheating on me again? You BITCH!
posted by WolfDaddy at 1:25 PM on August 6, 2003

I'll bet a lot of these orders are from people who want to give gag gifts (to a man on the occasion of his 40th birthday, or at his bachelor party), but who don't have a clue about Internet security.

I mean, c'mon ... penis enlargement pills would make a swell gag gift!
posted by Holden at 1:25 PM on August 6, 2003

a swell gag gift

excellent.
posted by widdershins at 1:50 PM on August 6, 2003

I was thinking about this driving home and . . . shouldn't he have a lot of trouble running away from anyone? The ever-present threat of tripping should have forced him to stay and answer questions.

I'm all for the idea of publicly shaming this guy, but what would be a truly effective method? Even if one were to drive him out of his office space, that accomplishes little in the long-term.
posted by yerfatma at 2:06 PM on August 6, 2003

Death... it's the only answer.
posted by Witty at 2:41 PM on August 6, 2003

Amazing that a bunch of people for whom you would think good judgement and making sound descisions would be an integral part of their jobs, could do business with a company offering no contact details and using no security measures for financial data, but who did have "As Seen on TV" on the site.

And for such obviously bogus merchandise. Scary.

Some hopes die hard, I suppose. A rational, intelligent, educated person can want something so much that he or she is willing to set aside all that rationality and believe in magical cures. It happens all the time. And often it's ridiculous and sad at the same time.
posted by orange swan at 3:45 PM on August 6, 2003

Thank you, widdershins, thankyouverymuch. I can assure you, pun was intended.
posted by Holden at 3:53 PM on August 6, 2003

It was very good, Holden.. I was trying to figure out some way to rephrase it using "package" instead of "gift", but I couldn't.
posted by Hildago at 5:24 PM on August 6, 2003

I'm a pretty compassionate person and in a way I feel sorry for this guy having to learn this lesson as I'm sure that days ahead will be rough for him.... But I hate spammers really really bad.

I've sent mail to Braden Bournival (several times) at

[e-mail] and [e-mail]

Just to assure him my penis is fine of course.

You can contact the chess association that he is vice president of at this page which also lists his personal info...

http://www.nhchess.org/officers.htm

Also the Manchester, New Hampshire Chamber of Commerce at...

http://www.manchester-chamber.org/contact.asp

And you can file a complaint with the New Hampshire Better Business Bureau here...

http://www.concord.bbb.org/complaint.html

I can only hope more hackers are able to get into these sites and expose these people so that we can all join in and hopefully at least make a dent in the confidence they may feel in their ability to remain secretive.

Remember though... while we may like to take a baseball bat to folks like Mr. Bournival... an even handed and decently expressed opinion to the above is what will get action taken... But then again the baseball bat thing might be kinda fun too...

And lest we forget... huge Kudos to Wired for this story, write to them to say thanks!
posted by Dave Naas at 5:52 PM on August 7, 2003

So far I've only received this reply from one of the chess club officers...

Dear Mr. Naas:

I have seen the article you refer to. The Policy Board of the NH Chess Assn. will be meeting in a couple of weeks and we will discuss this matter.

For the record, I would point out that ours is an organization run entirely by volunteers. Mr. Bournival offered to help us set up our web site and we accepted that offer. However, we have no connection with his business interests. We were aware, in a general way, of what he was doing - and some of us even counseled him that he had not chosen a very wise career path - but ultimately we have no control over the private lives of our volunteers.

Sincerely, Hal Terrie (Secretary, NH Chess Assn.)


Hmmmm.... We knew the guy was a lowlife but he volunteered so we used him anyway? That just gives me chills.
posted by Dave Naas at 7:18 PM on August 7, 2003