Fun with Puns

August 6, 2003 11:15 AM

Tom Swifties! "I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon. Oh, the pun-ishment.
posted by kcmoryan (281 comments total)

"That's an ugly hippopotamus!" said Tom hypocritically.
Hee hee hee. Hippos are always funny.
posted by pizzasub at 11:31 AM on August 6, 2003

Unfortunately, this list seems to value quantity over quality -- I'm sure there are some good ones in there, but I didn't have sufficient patience to find them.

Also, "I will not serve the queen," Tom said arrogantly.
posted by mattpfeff at 11:48 AM on August 6, 2003

Am I the only one here that once wanted to write a Tom Swifty good enough to be published in Boy's Life?

I usually couldn't do anything better than "And two plus two is four!" Tom added.
posted by gluechunk at 12:15 PM on August 6, 2003

Hah! I'd forgotten all about Tom Swifties. Thanks for posting this.

It's fun to mess with the book titles too:

"Tom Swift and His Thermo-Prostate Dynamatron!"
posted by MrBaliHai at 12:50 PM on August 6, 2003

"I spent the night with the girl's baseball team!" Tom said asininely.
posted by joaquim at 2:13 PM on August 6, 2003

"I have no underwear," Tom said expansively.

"My extreme emotional instability arises from a psychoneurosis," hissed Eric.

"Do you call this a musical?" asked Les miserably.

I adore Tom Swifties. I used to write a text game using horrid puns for a chat service, and these were always the worst. Loved, I was. Tee hee.
posted by snarkywench at 2:20 PM on August 6, 2003

"I'm experimenting with homosexuality," said Tom half in earnest.
posted by alms at 2:40 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"I'm experimenting with necrophilia," said Tom in dead earnest.

"There's a lot of MDMA at this festive gathering," said Tom, speaking ex parte.
posted by staggernation at 3:07 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I'm going to Hefner's circumcision," said Tom hubristically.
posted by staggernation at 3:18 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Those Europeans have a crappy particle accelerator," said Tom discerningly.

We're all going to regret this soon.
posted by Skot at 3:29 PM on August 6, 2003

"I'm flat broke," Tom said innocently.
posted by eriko at 3:32 PM on August 6, 2003

"My foot fell asleep," Tom said haltingly.
posted by mattpfeff at 3:59 PM on August 6, 2003

A couple of mine:

"There's no room for your cargo!" bellowed Tom frightfully.

"I want to gamble too, but I'm flat broke," murmured Tom in envy.
posted by CountZero at 5:04 PM on August 6, 2003

"Gee, baby, I'm sorry I didn't last very long," Tom ejaculated.
posted by interrobang at 6:53 PM on August 6, 2003

"Sure, I'd love to dance with Fred Astaire," Tom said gingerly.
posted by Oriole Adams at 7:40 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"...and I still say my dog's in season," argued Tom heatedly.
posted by Oriole Adams at 7:41 PM on August 6, 2003

"Numbers? not to or for, no. Three, five and nine you, see; these (n)umbers are the ones. oh, seven, too \iii/," quipped thom oddly.
posted by yhbc at 7:55 PM on August 6, 2003

"This thread is silly," needled Tom.
posted by Opus Dark at 8:04 PM on August 6, 2003

"I try to avoid the Tom Hanks movie where he plays the dumb guy," Tom said with gumption.
posted by bradlands at 8:32 PM on August 6, 2003 [3 favorites]

"I hope I win this eBay auction for the team of cheerleaders," Tom said rabidly.
posted by bradlands at 8:32 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"It's like I'm stuck in a giant video game, and I have to buy my way out" Tom said patronizingly.
posted by bradlands at 8:33 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I suck," Tom said vacuously.
posted by bradlands at 8:33 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I'm dressed up as a bear" Tom inferred.
posted by bradlands at 8:34 PM on August 6, 2003 [4 favorites]

"I'm a mutant. You shouldn't touch me," said Tom, roguishly.
posted by bradlands at 8:35 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"I'm an exorcist," said Tom dispiritedly.
posted by bradlands at 8:35 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I've had it up to here with these red parasites!" Tom cried, rusticly.
posted by bradlands at 8:36 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"I don't get these," Tom said humorlessly.
posted by yhbc at 8:36 PM on August 6, 2003 [3 favorites]

"This kid is just plain dumb!" cried Tom asymptotically
posted by bradlands at 8:36 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I'm going to the farmer's market to see if they have any cod," Tom said, standoffishly.
posted by bradlands at 8:37 PM on August 6, 2003 [5 favorites]

"Ms. Blanchett is once again totally immune to anthrax!" Tom reciprocated.
posted by bradlands at 8:37 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"Worship my scrotum," said Tom sacriligiously.
posted by bradlands at 8:38 PM on August 6, 2003 [16 favorites]

"Look at this view!" Tom said atavistically.
posted by bradlands at 8:38 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me," Tom said humanely.
posted by bradlands at 8:39 PM on August 6, 2003 [3 favorites]

"She returned from her trip to Jupiter's moons with something extra," Tom said periodically.
posted by bradlands at 8:39 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I've just mailed Paul Weller a letter" Tom said postmodernly.
posted by bradlands at 8:40 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"That's where I used to burn bodies" Tom said and, with that, expired.
posted by bradlands at 8:41 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"My leg fell asleep and now it feels funny," Tom said haltingly.
posted by bradlands at 8:42 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"They call me the Ripper," said Jack horrendously.
posted by bradlands at 8:42 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"Let me check and see who I have to kill next" Tom said fatalistically.
posted by bradlands at 8:43 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I just hope Matt leaves my thomcatspike joke," yhbc said cuttingly.
posted by yhbc at 8:43 PM on August 6, 2003

"I stuck my tongue in the blades once, just to see what it would be like" said Tom fantastically.
posted by bradlands at 8:43 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I only vote for candidates who are good friends with prostitutes," Tom said electrically.
posted by bradlands at 8:44 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"Gay people are born that way," Tom said homogenously.
posted by bradlands at 8:44 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I won't be able to make up my mind whether to play golf or go see Hamlet" Tom foreordained.
posted by bradlands at 8:44 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"That'll finally get rid of that figure skater," Tom said unwittingly.
posted by bradlands at 8:45 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"My congressman can hang from a tree branch by his tail," said Tom reprehensibly.
posted by bradlands at 8:45 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I slipped and drank a beer thirty-nine days in, so I'm starting all over again," Tom relented.
posted by bradlands at 8:46 PM on August 6, 2003 [3 favorites]

"Our voices all sound the same," said Tom equivocally.
posted by bradlands at 8:46 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"You're enthusiastic," Tom intuited.
posted by bradlands at 8:46 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"My dad dresses like a girl" Tom said transparently.
posted by bradlands at 8:47 PM on August 6, 2003 [4 favorites]

"This soil is still too acidic," Tom repeated.
posted by bradlands at 8:47 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I can't believe I'm dancing with Calista Flockhart!" exclaimed Tom frugally.
posted by bradlands at 8:48 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"That tuna just saved our planet," said Tom superficially.
posted by bradlands at 8:48 PM on August 6, 2003 [11 favorites]

"The Skipper died," Tom exhaled.
posted by bradlands at 8:49 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"What do you think of the that cartoonist Rall? He makes me sick", said Tom disgustedly.
posted by bradlands at 8:49 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Matilda sure likes BassMaster.com," Tom said efficiently.
posted by bradlands at 8:50 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"This iPaq has a terrible operating system," Tom winced.
posted by bradlands at 8:50 PM on August 6, 2003 [3 favorites]

"You idiot, I'm damn sure we've got fewer than a dozen teeth altogether!" Tom said tendentiously.
posted by bradlands at 8:51 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Why did I ever want a dozen children?" Tom brooded.
posted by bradlands at 8:51 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Okay, the tuna one was funny, but still ..." yhbc said neu-ingly.
posted by yhbc at 8:52 PM on August 6, 2003

"Believe it, baby -- I'm so good in bed that women pay me," Tom proclaimed.
posted by bradlands at 8:52 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I thought about buying a house, but decided it was too risky for me," Tom said preferentially.
posted by bradlands at 8:53 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"I stuffed the Velvet Underground drummer into a vase," said Tom mournfully.
posted by bradlands at 8:53 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"I love late 70s glam rock," said Tom adamantly.
posted by bradlands at 8:54 PM on August 6, 2003 [7 favorites]

"This line spacing is the bomb," said Tom emphatically.
posted by bradlands at 8:55 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"My former girlfriend from Warsaw is going to fall into a pit," Tom extrapolated.
posted by bradlands at 8:56 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I have such small feet," Tom weeped.
posted by bradlands at 8:56 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"My last girlfriend is doing sound effects work now" Tom exfoliated.
posted by bradlands at 8:57 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I'm wearing my new wedding ring!" said Tom with abandon.
posted by bradlands at 8:58 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"But what was the cause of death?" asked Tom, wide-eyed.
posted by bradlands at 8:58 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"I got this ball-point pen from a Yugoslav friend," said Tom acerbically.
posted by bradlands at 8:58 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I've never heard of analingus," said Tom, tongue in cheek.
posted by bradlands at 8:59 PM on August 6, 2003 [5 favorites]

"I love the fresh smell of this floor cleanser," Tom opined.
posted by bradlands at 9:00 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I'm glad that I can make a living writing shell scripts," said Tom properly.
posted by bradlands at 9:01 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"There we were, almost out of the big house, when -- BOOM -- our bodies merged!" explained Tom confusedly.
posted by bradlands at 9:01 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"It saddens me that welfare only reaches a few. Everyone should be on welfare," said Tom dolefully.
posted by bradlands at 9:03 PM on August 6, 2003 [3 favorites]

"I have frosted the treepeople," said Tom enticingly.
posted by bradlands at 9:04 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"This educational grant keeps me sane," said Tom pellucidly.
posted by bradlands at 9:05 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I wish to court your living room," said Tom woodenly.
posted by bradlands at 9:05 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"I heard the Russian ruler was a switch-hitter," Tom claimed bizarrely.
posted by bradlands at 9:06 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"When I was done with them, Vaughn, McMahon and Lombardi weren't worth a penny," Tom said convincingly.
posted by bradlands at 9:07 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I will not buy anything ahead of time," said Tom unprepossessingly.
posted by bradlands at 9:07 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I wish I hadn't sold my NES," Tom said disconsolately.
posted by bradlands at 9:08 PM on August 6, 2003 [9 favorites]

"I am against microscopic hairs," conciliated Tom.
posted by bradlands at 9:08 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"We could pass the secret messages inside the agents' food containers!" cried Tom inspirationally.
posted by bradlands at 9:09 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"All we hear is radio ga-ga," Tom said mercurially.
posted by bradlands at 9:09 PM on August 6, 2003 [3 favorites]

"What a stupid set of rankings," Tom adumbrated.
posted by bradlands at 9:10 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Professor, your new weather machines ensures that no one will ever fly a kite again," said Tom disgustedly.
posted by bradlands at 9:11 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I am packed amongst fish delicacies!" cried Tom insouciantly.
posted by bradlands at 9:12 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I think, therefore I am," the camping gear said existentially.
posted by bradlands at 9:12 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Be vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits," said Tom, befuddled.
posted by bradlands at 9:13 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I keep track of all my conquests," Tom boasted ballistically.
posted by bradlands at 9:14 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Apparently, donkeys talk about Eastern philosophy all the time," said Tom brazenly.
posted by bradlands at 9:14 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"27.34 grains!" exclaimed Tom dramatically.
posted by bradlands at 9:15 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I'm not sure I can get over my shoe fetish," Tom balked.
posted by bradlands at 9:15 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I'll never be one of the cool kids," said Tom hypnotically.
posted by bradlands at 9:16 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I heard that guy with The Police has a bad back," Tom said trustingly.
posted by bradlands at 9:17 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Can I borrow your apartment?" Tom asked flatulently.
posted by bradlands at 9:18 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Women's suffrage was a mistake," said Tom devotedly.
posted by bradlands at 9:18 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"Keep that infernal racket down! I'm trying a new dipilatory cream in here," Tom shouted ordinarily.
posted by bradlands at 9:20 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I don't want to install Windows, Linux, and OS/2 Warp!" Tom said morosely.
posted by bradlands at 9:24 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"Bring me the pope and Galadriel!" Tom pontificated.
posted by bradlands at 9:25 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"This weighs precisely 480 grains," Tom announced.
posted by bradlands at 9:26 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I follow function," Tom said formally.
posted by bradlands at 9:27 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I need a breath mint," Tom asserted.
posted by bradlands at 9:27 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Reading this sci-fi magazine cures my erectile dysfunction," said Tom omnipotently.
posted by bradlands at 9:28 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"F=MA," Tom said forcefully.
posted by bradlands at 9:29 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Yes doctor, it's a nice day, but I prefer to have my fillings done in the office," Tom said incidentally.
posted by bradlands at 9:29 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Have some pretzels," barfed Tom.
posted by bradlands at 9:30 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"I was dating a gynecologist, and I think she gave me mono!" said Tom obstreperously.
posted by bradlands at 9:31 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Improv comedy creeps me out," Tom said skittishly.
posted by bradlands at 9:35 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I hate flying through Chicago," Tom said inordinately.
posted by bradlands at 9:36 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"And so there I was, surrounded by a quartet of grizzlies!" said Tom, with forbearance.
posted by bradlands at 9:36 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I weally wuv the bones in my foweawm," said Tom wistfully.
posted by bradlands at 9:37 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"This colander was owned by Hitler's girlfriend," said Tom evasively.
posted by bradlands at 9:38 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"The giant insects were shocking at first, but we've learned to live with Them," said Tom tolerantly.
posted by bradlands at 9:39 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"My two favorite 1998 movie trailers featuring an actress playing Queen Elizabeth I are those of Elizabeth and Shakespeare in Love," Tom adjudicated.
posted by bradlands at 9:39 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I swear upon my mother's grave - I will kill Scott Stapp!" Tom decreed.
posted by bradlands at 9:40 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I really love gefillte fish, noodle kugel and kreplach," said Tom judiciously.
posted by bradlands at 9:41 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I am here with my friend Hamlet," said Tom with disdain.
posted by bradlands at 9:41 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I am familiar with all demonic history," Tom said imploringly.
posted by bradlands at 9:42 PM on August 6, 2003

"I wish to hear nothing of your so-called 'Comedy Jam'," said Tom, turning a deaf ear.
posted by bradlands at 9:43 PM on August 6, 2003

"I swear to you, I saw cattle on the runway at Bergstrom Airport," said Tom austerely.
posted by bradlands at 9:44 PM on August 6, 2003

"I dropped my toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
posted by daveadams at 9:45 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I was once run down by a frog riding side-saddle on my old TV show," croaked Lee hoarsely.
posted by bradlands at 9:45 PM on August 6, 2003

"I think we need to run the funeral scene again," Tom rehearsed.
posted by bradlands at 9:46 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I still haven't gotten my K-1's from that idiot fiduciary," Tom said mistrustfully.
posted by bradlands at 9:48 PM on August 6, 2003

"Could you get me a trephine at the store?" asked Tom, boringly.
posted by bradlands at 9:49 PM on August 6, 2003

"I resent your insinuation that I am a Communist spy!" Tom hissed.
posted by bradlands at 9:50 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness!" Tom howled.
posted by bradlands at 9:51 PM on August 6, 2003

"I have a mitral valve prolapse," said Tom brokenheartedly.
posted by bradlands at 9:52 PM on August 6, 2003

"I can't believe what a bitch you are, Mom," Tom sobbed.
posted by bradlands at 9:53 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Acting is great, but I want to move on to other things," Tom said directly.
posted by bradlands at 9:53 PM on August 6, 2003

"Darling, there is nothing so fabulous as a little finely chopped onion in your quiche," Tom minced.
posted by bradlands at 9:54 PM on August 6, 2003

"I jutht hate thethe thilly loopth," Tom lisped.
posted by bradlands at 9:55 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Is there a sale on spray paint, man?" Tom huffed.
posted by bradlands at 9:55 PM on August 6, 2003

"I'm going to measure how far that insect can walk," Tom said pedantically.
posted by bradlands at 9:56 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"We are going to turn this ship left twice in a row!" Tom reported.
posted by bradlands at 9:56 PM on August 6, 2003

"I've invented a fabulous new device for attatching doors to frames, but nobody will look at it!" Tom whinged.
posted by bradlands at 9:59 PM on August 6, 2003

"Horses don't fuck donkeys," said Tom mulishly.
posted by bradlands at 10:00 PM on August 6, 2003

"I'm going to take your pilaf away if you kids don't behave better," said Tom derisively.
posted by bradlands at 10:01 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I don't know why exactly, but you are just not a good neighbor," said Tom defensively.
posted by bradlands at 10:06 PM on August 6, 2003

"We heartily approve of this laundry detergent!" the crowd all temperately cheered.
posted by bradlands at 10:06 PM on August 6, 2003

"I guess I'd better dig up that body," said Tom disinterestedly.
posted by bradlands at 10:07 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I guess I lose this round. But hey, you know what they say," replied Tom winsomely.
posted by bradlands at 10:08 PM on August 6, 2003

"If only someone would come along and, I don't know, something and dhine me," whined Tom.
posted by bradlands at 10:08 PM on August 6, 2003

"What fools these mortals be," said Tom puckishly.
posted by bradlands at 10:09 PM on August 6, 2003

"I wouldn't drink that wine if I were you; you never know what they might have put in it," Tom said, vindictively.
posted by bradlands at 10:10 PM on August 6, 2003

"Would you like to see my Marv Albert impression?" Tom asked backbitingly.
posted by bradlands at 10:11 PM on August 6, 2003

"Better close up the windows; it looks like there's a storm coming," said Tom, shuddering.
posted by bradlands at 10:11 PM on August 6, 2003

"You forgot to add some of the numbers," Tom said presumptuously.
posted by bradlands at 10:12 PM on August 6, 2003

"Looks like Gary's not going to get another term in office," the voters said reconditely.
posted by bradlands at 10:12 PM on August 6, 2003

"I'll never thank you for that croissant!" said Tom mercilessly.
posted by bradlands at 10:13 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I think I'm going to be in pain very soon," Tom preached.
posted by bradlands at 10:14 PM on August 6, 2003

"My body is falling apart," said Tom incoherently. "Won't someone put me back together?" he called out gloomily.
posted by bradlands at 10:15 PM on August 6, 2003

"Wow, there's a second thing I have to cast out of mine own eye," said Tom remotely.
posted by bradlands at 10:16 PM on August 6, 2003

"Rachael is not my favorite Blade Runner character -- not by a long shot," said Tom prissily.
posted by bradlands at 10:17 PM on August 6, 2003

"Why, that's a portable house!" Tom said attentively.
posted by bradlands at 10:18 PM on August 6, 2003

"I just shoved a digital watch up my nose," Tom sniffled.
posted by bradlands at 10:18 PM on August 6, 2003

"I have had a successful solo career," said Paul Simon artlessly.
posted by bradlands at 10:19 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I believe Mr. Ripken is infested with mites," said Tom callously.
posted by bradlands at 10:19 PM on August 6, 2003

"Hi, I'm Justin Timberlake," Tom said n*sincerely.
posted by bradlands at 10:20 PM on August 6, 2003

"Dustin Diamond is the greatest actor ever!" Tom screeched.
posted by bradlands at 10:21 PM on August 6, 2003

"Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow! Baby, shake it!" Tom leered.
posted by bradlands at 10:22 PM on August 6, 2003

"I really enjoy this one section of Highlights for Children," Tom said gallantly.
posted by bradlands at 10:23 PM on August 6, 2003

"Madeline, I was also in that movie!" said Tim Curry inclusively.
posted by bradlands at 10:25 PM on August 6, 2003

"I regret my adolescence," said Tom routinely.
posted by bradlands at 10:26 PM on August 6, 2003

"Did you hear that dhartung got a sex change?" asked Tom redundantly.
posted by bradlands at 10:26 PM on August 6, 2003

"I do believe there's a supporting argument under that old rock," Tom said profoundly.
posted by bradlands at 10:27 PM on August 6, 2003

"What do you mean I can't use this metal spatula on the Teflon?" Tom panicked.
posted by bradlands at 10:27 PM on August 6, 2003

"Well, I never went blind," said Tom handily.
posted by bradlands at 10:28 PM on August 6, 2003

"What do you call a fat monarch?" asked Tom unthinkingly.
posted by bradlands at 10:29 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"Who put the Exxon Valdez in this Ball jar?" asked Tom cantankerously.
posted by bradlands at 10:30 PM on August 6, 2003

"The executioner aimed way too low," Tom said defeatedly.
posted by bradlands at 10:30 PM on August 6, 2003

"Why, it's the baby Moses!" exclaimed Tom reedily.
posted by bradlands at 10:31 PM on August 6, 2003

"Will you still love me when I take over the government?" Tom cooed.
posted by bradlands at 10:32 PM on August 6, 2003

"So, I'm trying to defeat three no-trump?" Tom whistled.
posted by bradlands at 10:32 PM on August 6, 2003

"I'm here to pay off my phone bill!" Tom bellowed.
posted by bradlands at 10:33 PM on August 6, 2003

"I wonder which road I should take...?" thought Tom frostily.
posted by bradlands at 10:34 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"This is what happens after the Arab women stop singing," Tom postulated.
posted by bradlands at 10:35 PM on August 6, 2003

"I haven't answered questions in a fan chat-room since I was on Night Court," Markie posted.
posted by bradlands at 10:37 PM on August 6, 2003

"I have written a condensed edition of The Raven," said Tom politely.
posted by bradlands at 10:38 PM on August 6, 2003

"I will only say 'Fee' and 'Fo'," said the giant defiantly.
posted by bradlands at 10:38 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I like to play frisbee," Tom discussed.
posted by bradlands at 10:39 PM on August 6, 2003

"You tock!" Tom said meticulously.
posted by bradlands at 10:40 PM on August 6, 2003

"Thank God we converted to metric," Tom expounded.
posted by bradlands at 10:42 PM on August 6, 2003

"Why, yes, I directed A Nightmare on Elm Street," said Wes cravenly.
posted by bradlands at 10:43 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Why do you need two signatures?" asked Tom resignedly.
posted by bradlands at 10:43 PM on August 6, 2003

"Dorothy's aunt was from Warsaw," said Tom polemically.
posted by bradlands at 10:44 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"bradlands seems to like this thread," mr_crash_davis said without using any adverbs.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:44 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I have exactly six beers," said Tom brutally.
posted by bradlands at 10:44 PM on August 6, 2003

"I wish you would stop sleeping with members of both sexes," Tom said ubiquitously.
posted by bradlands at 10:45 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"I like the cut of your . . . whatever that is," Tom gibbered.
posted by bradlands at 10:46 PM on August 6, 2003

"Missed it by that much," Tom said smartly.
posted by bradlands at 10:46 PM on August 6, 2003

"You got some 'splainin' to do," Tom said lucidly.
posted by bradlands at 10:47 PM on August 6, 2003

"Someone has exsanguinated me!" cried Tom huskily.
posted by bradlands at 10:51 PM on August 6, 2003

"We can solve all our problems by eating the Irish babies," Tom said swiftly.
posted by bradlands at 10:52 PM on August 6, 2003 [2 favorites]

"There is no cabal," Tom said, bereft.
posted by bradlands at 10:53 PM on August 6, 2003

"Where did Brad go?" Tom asked fruitlessly.
posted by thirteen at 10:58 PM on August 6, 2003 [1 favorite]

"Matt made me take a Meta-TimeOut", Brad said outlandishly.
posted by wendell at 11:57 PM on August 6, 2003

"They're going to do a MetaTalk thread complaing about this one, too," said Ana grammatically.
posted by wendell at 11:59 PM on August 6, 2003

"I always support MeFites with very small user numbers", Wendell metastasized.
posted by wendell at 1:21 AM on August 7, 2003

"Wendell nailed it", said Tom pointedly.
posted by taz at 2:53 AM on August 7, 2003

"I am such a devil," said taz maniacally.
Your namesake is my favorite Looney Tunes toon... even his saturday-morning re-incarnation: any 'kids' cartoon that based characters on Bing Crosby (as "Dad"!) and Woody Allen (a character named Wendel), not to mention the real John Astin, had some real sub-surface subversiveness to it...
posted by wendell at 3:44 AM on August 7, 2003

"has my example meant nothing ?" sgt.serenity wailed.
posted by sgt.serenity at 4:00 AM on August 7, 2003

"Sarge, your pun is undone" said Tom openly, "what you should really say is, 'has my example meant nothing,' asked sgt. serenity blankly."
posted by taz at 4:15 AM on August 7, 2003

"sgt.serenity annoys me", Tom rankled.
posted by wendell at 4:28 AM on August 7, 2003

"I do want to keep my job," Grey Davis recalled.
"I want his job", Arnold totally recalled.
"Vote for me 'cause I'm diff'rent", Gary Coleman stroked.
"Don't forget me," Arianna huffed.
"Buy my thongs" Georgy panted.
"You know what I'll do," Brian Flemming said resignedly.
"Politics needs more nudity " Larry Flynt barely spoke.

okay, I've done enough damage...
posted by wendell at 4:52 AM on August 7, 2003

"I keep buying coffins on Ebay," Tom said morbidly.
posted by grumblebee at 5:08 AM on August 7, 2003

"We've only mastered half the game," said the Table Tennis coach weepingly.
posted by grumblebee at 6:39 AM on August 7, 2003

I'll never give you back your nose!" Tom told the elephant trunculently.
posted by grumblebee at 6:40 AM on August 7, 2003

"You should never have left Northern Exposure," Tom will say tomorrow.
posted by vraxoin at 7:35 AM on August 7, 2003

"either you love this thread or hate this thread", tom said choicely.
posted by quonsar at 8:19 AM on August 7, 2003

"Muslims hate this thread," Elle said.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:05 AM on August 7, 2003

"Civil_D gets a gold star", said Tom Siriusly.
posted by taz at 11:18 AM on August 7, 2003

"I think Rush is the greatest band ever!" said Tom lovingly.
posted by Snyder at 11:16 PM on August 7, 2003

"I think Rush is the greatest band ever!" said Tom giddily.
posted by wendell at 11:56 PM on August 7, 2003 [2 favorites]

"I think Rush is the greatest band ever!" Tom said slowly.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 1:06 AM on August 8, 2003

Some basics:
"I'm awed by evergreens," Tom opined.
"I am California," Tom stated.
"I love doze French stuffed pastries," Tom decared.
"This yard needs another layer of moss," Tom repeated.
"Do you think I'm gay?" Tom queried."'
"Can you meet me in the chorale?" Tom inquired.
"Senator Kennedy always puts me to sleep," Tom snorted.
"We don't put that promise in our advertising anymore," Tom exclaimed.
"I love to Vogue," Tom proposed.
"Blackened food is immoral" said Tom sincerely.
posted by wendell at 1:30 AM on August 8, 2003

"Rush is a band, too?" Tom dittoed.
posted by wendell at 1:32 AM on August 8, 2003

"I love the TV show where they re-design rooms," Tom said decorously.
"I love the TV show where they voted away the comics'," Tom said standoffishly.
"I love the TV show with the remorseful vampire," Tom said bloodlessly.
"I love the TV show with the gay guy and the straight gal," Tom said willfully and gracefully.
"I love the TV show about the secrets of teeth," Tom said incidentally.
"I love the TV show about the famous chef's new business," said Tom in a rococo style...

Ladies and gentlemen: Tom SwifTV's...
posted by wendell at 5:41 AM on August 8, 2003

"The customer is always right," Tom said peremptorily.
posted by aws17576 at 10:41 AM on August 8, 2003

"I'm adding Wendell's Swifties to my collection," said Brad copiously.
"I already downloaded Brad's Swifties to my database," Wendell squealed.
"Well, maybe not all of Wendell's Swifties; some of them really suck," Brad orated.
posted by wendell at 6:46 PM on August 8, 2003

Well, it's a little late. But just because I can:

"Didi's Evita now? I -- damned I am! Eh? The maiden mad I won at Ives? (I did!)" Tom said palindromically.

Oh, and:

"Dentists, shmentists. My cavities will heal themselves," Tom said recalcitrantly.

"This cave system is really something," Tom said sublimely.
posted by aws17576 at 5:03 AM on August 9, 2003

*cough* none said cacophonously
posted by none at 7:05 AM on August 9, 2003

"Throwing up is funny," Tom gagged.
posted by wendell at 5:34 PM on August 10, 2003

"Putting my head in a clamp makes me change my mind", Tom revised.
posted by wendell at 5:36 PM on August 10, 2003

"The way cartoonists censor their profanity is so @#$%&!" Tom swore comically.
posted by wendell at 5:39 PM on August 10, 2003

"Are you now or have you ever been a melted cheese sandwich?" Tom was grilled.
posted by wendell at 5:41 PM on August 10, 2003

Ladies and Gentlemen, Schoolhouse Rockies...

"Conjunction Junction, what's your function?" Rocky added.
"Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, get your adverbs here!" Rocky verbalized.
"I'm just a Bill," said Rocky in legalese.
"Three is a magic number," Rocky tripped.
posted by wendell at 5:47 PM on August 10, 2003

"Yes, I'm a hacker," Tom coughed.
posted by wendell at 6:42 PM on August 10, 2003

"Wish I could sing like that legendary country singer named Williams", Tom hankered.
posted by wendell at 9:28 PM on August 10, 2003

And now, the Hitchhiker's Swifties to the Galaxy...

"I translate for Arthur", the babelfish said incidentally.
"Musty harmless", said Ford imperfectly.
"Never seen a need to panic", said the book, without a hitch.
"Don't bug the author", said Douglas adamantly.
posted by wendell at 10:37 PM on August 10, 2003

"Your abs are like Kansas," Tom flattered.
posted by wendell at 11:08 PM on August 10, 2003

"Submitted for your approval", Rod Serling said underhandedly.
posted by wendell at 4:23 AM on August 11, 2003

"Shit shit shit", Tom cackled.
posted by none at 12:42 PM on August 11, 2003

"Can you see me?", asked Tom insightfully.
posted by none at 11:43 AM on August 12, 2003

"Can you hear me now?" Tom said, giving the hard sell.
posted by wendell at 12:04 PM on August 12, 2003

"Where's the beef?" Tom steered the conversation.
"Coke is the real thing!", Tom collated.
"Yeah, real fair and balanced," said Tom foxily.
posted by wendell at 12:09 PM on August 12, 2003

"Arghh! vampires", Tom cried cryptically.
"I'm afraid of blubber", Tom wailed.
"Where is my f'ing saucepan", Tom panicked.
posted by none at 1:04 PM on August 12, 2003

"I bought this cleaner I saw on TV!", Tom sid oxymoronicly.
posted by wendell at 1:33 PM on August 12, 2003

"Death to windmills", Don said quixotically.
"Just dump it anywhere", Tom said literally.
posted by none at 1:35 PM on August 12, 2003

"This fertilizer is awful", Tom said forlorn.
posted by none at 1:42 PM on August 12, 2003

"I know this is illegal but my wife loves blubber", Tom wailed.
"There appear to be some apples missing Adam", God insinuated.
"Its dark in here", Tom said delighted.
posted by none at 1:53 PM on August 12, 2003

"I didn't eat your gold leaf", Tom said guiltily.
posted by none at 3:45 PM on August 12, 2003

"None of the above," Tom pointed out.
"I can't get none", Mick said satisfactorily.
"Alone together", Tom said to none.
posted by wendell at 7:09 PM on August 12, 2003

"This thread is dead," Tom said gravely.
posted by norm at 2:30 PM on August 13, 2003

"You're all going to hell for this!" Tom said punishingly :D
posted by kliuless at 7:54 PM on August 13, 2003

"I was SURE this thread was dead!" Tom cried, mortified.
posted by norm at 6:59 AM on August 14, 2003

"This thread will live on as long as this semi-defective pump continues to operate in my chest," Wendell said, wholeheartedly (but not really).
posted by wendell at 3:27 AM on August 21, 2003

These are all so good (except for the ones that are really lame, of course), and yhbc's thom joke was especially rich. But this reminded me, while we're on the subject of Tom Swifties, that Robert Anton Wilson, in one of the Schrodinger's Cat books (the second?) suddenly lapsed into Tom Swifties as the narrative form for half a chapter, while the story continued "normally." I only recall this because the section ended with the rest of the group leaving and one guy's line "'Wait, I'm coming too," he ejaculated."
posted by soyjoy at 7:15 PM on August 21, 2003

"Watch out for that candle!" Tom quickly shouted.
posted by amandaudoff at 7:36 AM on August 30, 2003

"Do you smell fish?" asked Tom cunningly.
posted by carfilhiot at 3:54 PM on September 1, 2003

"I've just turned eight!" giggled Tom childishly.
posted by carfilhiot at 3:56 PM on September 1, 2003

"I'm gay!" Tom shouted.
posted by carfilhiot at 12:09 PM on September 2, 2003

"my car is really old" said Tom slowly
posted by carfilhiot at 9:26 PM on September 3, 2003

"i dont think this will provide much shelter" ventured Tom hesitantly.
posted by carfilhiot at 9:29 PM on September 3, 2003

"Board games make me horny" whispered Tom risquely.
posted by carfilhiot at 9:32 PM on September 3, 2003

"There are many reasons for visiting a brothel" Tom broadly declared.
posted by carfilhiot at 9:39 PM on September 3, 2003

"I seem to have sex on the brain" deduced Tom instinctively.
posted by carfilhiot at 9:43 PM on September 3, 2003

"Don't worry Tom we all have" cackled Tom schizophrenically
posted by carfilhiot at 9:48 PM on September 3, 2003

"Obscure references from Tintin and Gollum won't be understood" reasoned Tom precisley.
posted by carfilhiot at 9:54 PM on September 3, 2003

"That was as funny as a one legged dog" muttered Tom lamely.
posted by carfilhiot at 10:02 PM on September 3, 2003

"what would happen if I dug a hole and filled it with water....?" Tom pondered.
posted by carfilhiot at 5:43 AM on September 4, 2003

"That Chelsea defender is a load of rubbish" Tom decided.
posted by carfilhiot at 5:47 AM on September 4, 2003

"dash dash dash dot dot dot dash dash dash" said Tom with remorse.
posted by carfilhiot at 5:51 AM on September 4, 2003

"My bicycle has a flat" said Tom tiredly.
posted by carfilhiot at 5:55 AM on September 4, 2003

"Well make the top ten most commented threads yet" said Tom constructively.
posted by carfilhiot at 10:25 AM on September 4, 2003

"Still 49 posts to go" Tom added.
posted by carfilhiot at 10:27 AM on September 4, 2003

"We'll need to post 24.5 posts per day" Tom pointed out.
posted by carfilhiot at 10:49 AM on September 4, 2003

"That might be tough to do" said Tom mistakenly.
posted by carfilhiot at 10:53 AM on September 4, 2003

"I 0wnz0r3d Sarge with my BFG" said Tom gibberishly.
posted by carfilhiot at 2:29 PM on September 4, 2003

"I've decided to become a vegetarian" Tom revealed.
posted by carfilhiot at 2:34 PM on September 4, 2003

"I'mth writhing an AI pwogram" Tom lisped.
posted by carfilhiot at 2:41 PM on September 4, 2003

"Where did carfilhiot go?" asked Tom metaphorically.

or something.
posted by wendell at 12:21 AM on September 5, 2003

"I want to run into the guy who played Captain Kirk", said Tom shatteringly.
posted by wendell at 12:24 AM on September 5, 2003

"carfilhiot has returned" Jack advanced.
posted by carfilhiot at 6:22 AM on September 5, 2003

"But I'm afraid of heights" Tom complained.
posted by carfilhiot at 6:24 AM on September 5, 2003

"Your butt is nice" Tom confirmed.
posted by carfilhiot at 6:26 AM on September 5, 2003

"I like to have a few beers before the show" said Tom melodramatically
posted by carfilhiot at 6:29 AM on September 5, 2003

"Wendell, wherefore art thou?" Tom literally asked.
posted by carfilhiot at 6:34 AM on September 5, 2003