How NOT to write metaphors

April 22, 2004 8:22 AM

"She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword," and other allegedly actual similes and metaphors from student essays, mangled like pigeons on Baltimore light rail tracks.
posted by brownpau (29 comments total)

some of those didn't seem that bad to me, while others were just hilarious... this one was gold though:

"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m.at a speed of 35mph."

Thanks for the great link.
posted by lotsofno at 8:30 AM on April 22, 2004

This post made me laugh like a hyena scavenging rotten meat on the Serengeti. Thanks brownpau.
posted by vito90 at 8:36 AM on April 22, 2004

It's tough to say since they're taken out of context, but I think some of these are probably supposed to be funny, and quite a few of them were, intentionally or not. Thanks bp.
posted by Ufez Jones at 8:38 AM on April 22, 2004

I love these! Even though the bowling ball metaphor is a rip-off of Douglas Adams when he wrote "The ship hung in the air in exactly the same way that a brick doesn't."
posted by Robot Johnny at 8:40 AM on April 22, 2004

This is very old, but never ceases to make me smile.

My favourite?

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

Classic.
posted by ralawrence at 8:45 AM on April 22, 2004

'S funny, thanks brownpau!
posted by carter at 9:00 AM on April 22, 2004

These are very funny, but aren't by students.
posted by sonofsamiam at 9:00 AM on April 22, 2004

Oof, thanks for catching that, sonofsamiam. I am as shamed as an AxMe poster who doesn't Google first.
posted by brownpau at 9:05 AM on April 22, 2004

What, "not at all" you mean? *grumbles*

bloody lazy bastards
posted by fvw at 9:19 AM on April 22, 2004

Hip hop is great for the resurgence in metaphor and simile.

"I'll unload on you like finished laundry", for example.
posted by the fire you left me at 9:22 AM on April 22, 2004

It's nice that, much like a newly renovated wall, we have a good outlet for such things.
posted by chicobangs at 9:34 AM on April 22, 2004

The star-crossed lovers one is cribbed from an old Bulwer-Lytton contest, if I'm not mistaken.
posted by me3dia at 9:35 AM on April 22, 2004

I love these - good examples of the comic metaphor so often used by Douglas Adams, Alexei Sayle, etc. Great link!
posted by BigCalm at 10:36 AM on April 22, 2004

Clever clever clever. Well, some of them, anyhow. I think I've seen these before, but they make me smile nonetheless. My favorite:

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:48 AM on April 22, 2004

I miss Douglas Adams :(
posted by xmutex at 11:04 AM on April 22, 2004

It's nice that, much like a newly renovated wall, we have a good outlet for such things.

Much like a steak for a spoiled child at a fancy restaurant, chico, well-done.
posted by Ufez Jones at 11:13 AM on April 22, 2004

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

I don't even know what that's trying to say, but I love it nonetheless. Especially since centipedes only have 30 legs. I think that's what makes it so beautiful.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 12:18 PM on April 22, 2004

I especially love this one: "John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

Genius.
posted by vorfeed at 12:33 PM on April 22, 2004

His metaphor was strained, as strained as the wonton soup which had recently passed through his mustache.

He constructed the similie as awkwardly as a novice carpenter constructs an poor simile.

Humor frequently flowed from him, because he was bulimic.
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:08 PM on April 22, 2004

i just cried.

genius.
posted by Frasermoo at 1:27 PM on April 22, 2004

These similes are like your date on prom night. Yeah.

It's way more fun to make 'em yourself instead of watching other people have all the fun.
posted by chicobangs at 1:35 PM on April 22, 2004

I think the world would be a better place if more students actually had such an off-kilter sense of humour.
posted by The God Complex at 1:46 PM on April 22, 2004

Especially since centipedes only have 30 legs.

They get more legs with age. According to this, the average centipede has 70 legs.


posted by bingo at 4:37 PM on April 22, 2004

Er, I mean this.
Durned Opera.
posted by bingo at 4:41 PM on April 22, 2004

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Classic.
posted by seanyboy at 4:45 PM on April 22, 2004

This is really brilliant, of course. I do love, "Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre."

(Which is actually an interesting approach to metaphor, the humor of it aside. Not to kill the good mood, but it is often useful to call attention to the falseness of your metaphor; Neruda, writes, in I explain some things, "and the blood of the children ran simply / through the streets, like children’s blood" which says more than any metaphor could. But yeah, this link is great.)
posted by rafter at 4:53 PM on April 22, 2004

Glorious! I shivered with delight like a naked man shivering as he walks home at midnight in Glasgow in December--only from delight.
posted by squirrel at 5:16 PM on April 22, 2004

Like cable in Mongolia, I don't think I get it.
posted by chicobangs at 5:27 PM on April 22, 2004

I detect several there that are either slightly altered from Douglas Adams' work, or at the very least, heavily influenced by him. I miss him too :-(
posted by dg at 10:50 PM on April 22, 2004