We've even got broadband, but we use rope instead of string for that.

January 31, 2005 9:34 PM

Web design guru versus the telemarketers: designer Andy Clarke has posted his experiences with vendors of telephone services, windows, kitchens and advertising, as well as selected lines from other encounters; if the web-design thing doesn't pan out he may have a future in comedy...
posted by ubernostrum (16 comments total)

Also try:
The blood. It's coming from my eyes. Do you know what that means? can you help?
Just keep repeating - Kay? Kay? Kay?
Hold on I taking a dump! Follow with grunting.
Keep asking questions - what is your name? what are you calling about? what is your name again?
Jimmy is that you? Jimmy? JIMMY! ANSWER ME.
Just keep saying hello? hello? hello? Bastards won't answer me! and hang-up.
posted by arse_hat at 9:47 PM on January 31, 2005

I usually hang up before the computer pushes me to the next telemarketer anyway. It's a crucial 1.5 seconds, but that pause is there.
posted by Plinko at 9:51 PM on January 31, 2005

If you have a bit of time start listening to the pitch. After about 15 seconds ask “hey is that you Bill/Carol? (as gender dictates). When you get a confused response reply with “Bill/Carol I know it’s you!” When you get a response – “Bill/Carol you low-life shit you promised to love me forever and take care of me! I hate you”. Continue until they hang-up.
posted by arse_hat at 10:00 PM on January 31, 2005

Many of you may have seen it before, but there is loads of fun to be had with the anti-telemarketing counter script.
posted by sourwookie at 11:00 PM on January 31, 2005

I take it the UK does not have a national do-not-call register? I haven't had a single telemarketer call in the approx. 2 years my number has been on that list.

Charities, on the other hand....
posted by pmbuko at 11:11 PM on January 31, 2005

I've been amazed at the number of telemarketers I've been able to get to agree to my claim that all additional conversation with me will be billed at $4.99 per minute.
Now I need to consult a lawyer to see if I can actually get away with billing them.
posted by HTuttle at 11:54 PM on January 31, 2005

what - do we live in a world of fucking maniacs?
posted by luckyclone at 11:55 PM on January 31, 2005

I usually hang up before the computer pushes me to the next telemarketer anyway. It's a crucial 1.5 seconds, but that pause is there.

Too bad many non-telemarketers also use the same technique.
I'm currently battling American Express over just such crappy and insulting method of contacting me. If it's really an important call, then why is it not important enough for them to have a live person on the line immediately?
posted by HTuttle at 12:00 AM on February 1, 2005

In the UK, we have the Telephone Preference Service, which has been around longer than the USA's Do-Not-Call register. It's worked pretty well for me. As far as I know it doesn't have the loophole of letting charities call either.
posted by salmacis at 12:36 AM on February 1, 2005

Has anyone tried answering the phone, agreeing to get whomever they are looking for (asking them to hold on for a minute) and just putting the phone down?
posted by notmtwain at 1:31 AM on February 1, 2005

notmtwain: I used to do that before the do not call list. Now it doesn't really come up anymore.
posted by aubilenon at 1:43 AM on February 1, 2005

Does anyone besides me sort of miss messing with the telemarketers since the DNC list???

those little rascals! :)
posted by HuronBob at 2:19 AM on February 1, 2005

I'm on the TPS register, so I get less than one telesales call a month -- typically from tape-recorded messages in a heavy American accent (i.e. overseas). Those that aren't are usually disguised as a "survey" (exempt from the core TPS requirements, or at least they are if they drop the call before the TPS-registered recipient twigs to what's going on).

Next time I get a live one I'm going to try to remember that I am Suicidally Depressed. "Sob. Oh God, you're my only hope. Nobody else has spoken to me for weeks. I've got these tablets. Do you think I should take them? I hope it doesn't hurt. I'm going to take them now unless you keep talking to me ..."
posted by cstross at 2:44 AM on February 1, 2005

I don't have a home phone, just a cel. At the moment, it's still illegal to telemarket to a cell phone. A home phone would just be an extra bill I don't need.
posted by Eideteker at 5:20 AM on February 1, 2005

A lackey from the local newspaper tried to get me to subscribe to their rag. I asked numerous questions as to content and finally said "That sounds great. Does this special apply to the braille edition?"
No, they have no braille edition. In tones of frustration I asked "What use is a printed newspaper to a blind person like me?"
I actually received apologies from that telemarketer.
posted by page404 at 9:08 AM on February 1, 2005

I actually used the "I don't have a phone" line once, and got the telemarketer to hang up on me.

In the wake of do-not-call, though, I've been getting scads of automated calls telling me to call such-and-such a number. I assume these are come-ons, and by getting me to call them, they'd be sort of clear of the do-not-call rule. I've also gotten one-ring hangups on my cellphone that (I think) are commercial come-ons designed to get me to call them back, counting on the fact that I've got caller ID.
posted by adamrice at 9:34 AM on February 1, 2005