The Goggles Do Nothing!
May 27, 2005 7:04 AM Subscribe
The worst Superhero costumes ever? "It's not every day that we see a hipster ape grabbing a dude's ass." So True.
This is like those VH1 shows where they have 'comedians' make unfunny comments about very funny things.
posted by crank at 7:17 AM on May 27, 2005
posted by crank at 7:17 AM on May 27, 2005
Christ, Numinus looks exactly like Whoopie Goldberg - missing eyebrows and all. That officially makes it a shitty FPP.
posted by j.p. Hung at 7:21 AM on May 27, 2005
posted by j.p. Hung at 7:21 AM on May 27, 2005
one does not simply post a link to sa
Wow. I knew one of the Metacops would rap my knuckles with a ruler but I didn't figure it would be in the very first comment.
Keep up the good work, naxos!
On preview: but j.p. Hung! Hipster Apes!
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:25 AM on May 27, 2005
Wow. I knew one of the Metacops would rap my knuckles with a ruler but I didn't figure it would be in the very first comment.
Keep up the good work, naxos!
On preview: but j.p. Hung! Hipster Apes!
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:25 AM on May 27, 2005
"There are certain nerds that complain that comics aren't taken seriously enough as an art form. In this edition of Fashion SWAT, we're going to show you why those people are idiots."
Hey! I AM one of those nerds that complain that comics aren't taken seriously enough as an art form, so this Doctor Thorpe bonghit can blow me! Like being self-proclaimed fashion police should be taken seriously? And Doctor Thorpe? What kinda name is that? What's he a doctor of? Sewing? Physician Heal Thyself!
"Aquarian" was an awesome character in Marvel Two-In-One! I liked that comic! Okay, so George Perez drew him like the second coming of Ted Neeley. So what? That was one of his first professional gigs. His early days. He got a lot better at fashion sense by the time he and Marv Wolfman paired up for their work on Teen Titans. Those were some great costumes. Especially the girls. *wolf howls*
posted by ZachsMind at 7:31 AM on May 27, 2005
Hey! I AM one of those nerds that complain that comics aren't taken seriously enough as an art form, so this Doctor Thorpe bonghit can blow me! Like being self-proclaimed fashion police should be taken seriously? And Doctor Thorpe? What kinda name is that? What's he a doctor of? Sewing? Physician Heal Thyself!
"Aquarian" was an awesome character in Marvel Two-In-One! I liked that comic! Okay, so George Perez drew him like the second coming of Ted Neeley. So what? That was one of his first professional gigs. His early days. He got a lot better at fashion sense by the time he and Marv Wolfman paired up for their work on Teen Titans. Those were some great costumes. Especially the girls. *wolf howls*
posted by ZachsMind at 7:31 AM on May 27, 2005
Fuzzy Monster:
ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK INTO MORDOR.
it's an sa joke that is clearly lost on you. I'm also alluding to the fact that you're an idiot for posting a link to SA.
posted by naxosaxur at 7:32 AM on May 27, 2005
ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK INTO MORDOR.
it's an sa joke that is clearly lost on you. I'm also alluding to the fact that you're an idiot for posting a link to SA.
posted by naxosaxur at 7:32 AM on May 27, 2005
Fuzzy Monster, you have the prescription for the Friday blues. And Rob Liefeld apparently has an out-of-control fetish for muscular legs.
Lay off Numinus. She/it might look kind of goofy to our mortal eyes, but apparently she/it's the self-proclaimed guiding spirit of the Universe: "Her only apparent purpose is to manipulate the activities of sentient beings throughout the universe and reawaken them, to whatever degree they may be made aware, to the wonder in the universe."
Sounds like really good E to me. Or maybe she's the Beyonder's girlfriend.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:34 AM on May 27, 2005
Lay off Numinus. She/it might look kind of goofy to our mortal eyes, but apparently she/it's the self-proclaimed guiding spirit of the Universe: "Her only apparent purpose is to manipulate the activities of sentient beings throughout the universe and reawaken them, to whatever degree they may be made aware, to the wonder in the universe."
Sounds like really good E to me. Or maybe she's the Beyonder's girlfriend.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:34 AM on May 27, 2005
If super powers are measured by collar height then Iron Fist is the most powerful superhero ever.
I had to laugh. It's got to be hard to be the person assigned to coming up with a new superhero. All the good stuff's been done already. I'd like to submit The Bedazzler for your approval. She wears a Texas Tuxedo (denim jacket and jeans) that's been totally covered in colorful faux rhinestones - every square inch, encrusted. The reflection emitted from the collective power of the stones, when she stands in the light "just so", would be enough to temporarily blind any foe, thereby rending them unable to escape the scene of whatever heinous crime they were perpetrating. The only drawback is that she can only fight crime during the day, preferably a very sunny day. And at night, too, but only at major sporting events.
posted by iconomy at 7:36 AM on May 27, 2005
I had to laugh. It's got to be hard to be the person assigned to coming up with a new superhero. All the good stuff's been done already. I'd like to submit The Bedazzler for your approval. She wears a Texas Tuxedo (denim jacket and jeans) that's been totally covered in colorful faux rhinestones - every square inch, encrusted. The reflection emitted from the collective power of the stones, when she stands in the light "just so", would be enough to temporarily blind any foe, thereby rending them unable to escape the scene of whatever heinous crime they were perpetrating. The only drawback is that she can only fight crime during the day, preferably a very sunny day. And at night, too, but only at major sporting events.
posted by iconomy at 7:36 AM on May 27, 2005
one does not simply post a link to sa
Fuzzy Monster:
ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK INTO MORDOR.
it's an sa joke that is clearly lost on you. I'm also alluding to the fact that you're an idiot for posting a link to SA.
One did. Pistols at twenty paces? I am fuzzy's second, we proceed at dawn, unless you are prepared to withdraw the remark? Perhaps you were in wine? A general expression of regret would do, I must warn you, my man is deadly.
I'm laughing here fuzzy monster.
posted by Divine_Wino at 7:36 AM on May 27, 2005 [1 favorite]
Fuzzy Monster:
ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK INTO MORDOR.
it's an sa joke that is clearly lost on you. I'm also alluding to the fact that you're an idiot for posting a link to SA.
One did. Pistols at twenty paces? I am fuzzy's second, we proceed at dawn, unless you are prepared to withdraw the remark? Perhaps you were in wine? A general expression of regret would do, I must warn you, my man is deadly.
I'm laughing here fuzzy monster.
posted by Divine_Wino at 7:36 AM on May 27, 2005 [1 favorite]
naxosaxur: True enough, I didn't get that sa joke.
I'm also alluding to the fact that you're an idiot for posting a link to SA.
Oh, I picked up on that loud and clear.
Might I suggest, if you don't like this link, you choose another fine link from the hundreds available on the Meta Menu?
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:37 AM on May 27, 2005
I'm also alluding to the fact that you're an idiot for posting a link to SA.
Oh, I picked up on that loud and clear.
Might I suggest, if you don't like this link, you choose another fine link from the hundreds available on the Meta Menu?
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:37 AM on May 27, 2005
I didn't go for this one as much as the previous installments. The ganguro one was seriously disturbing.
posted by cog_nate at 7:54 AM on May 27, 2005
posted by cog_nate at 7:54 AM on May 27, 2005
I submit that The Monitor's armor-toga, lame-ass sideburns, and bizarre bald/cornrow combo go a long way towards sucking the drama out of Crisis on Infinite Earths.
(best Monitor pic I could find is here, but it requires a bit of a scroll-down)
posted by COBRA! at 8:02 AM on May 27, 2005
(best Monitor pic I could find is here, but it requires a bit of a scroll-down)
posted by COBRA! at 8:02 AM on May 27, 2005
My roommate found this article on SA the other week, with a picture of yours truly (2nd pic, scroll down).
Finding a picture of yourself online where you don't expect it is pretty strange. Or sad, when it ends up on SA. Hmmph.
posted by santiagogo at 8:09 AM on May 27, 2005
Finding a picture of yourself online where you don't expect it is pretty strange. Or sad, when it ends up on SA. Hmmph.
posted by santiagogo at 8:09 AM on May 27, 2005
The guy in the middle has about fifty times the number of muscles required to operate his body. I wonder what all the extra ones control? Can he rotate his nipples or make his eyelids flip inside out or something?
Thanks FM, that's pretty good.
posted by doctor_negative at 8:16 AM on May 27, 2005
Thanks FM, that's pretty good.
posted by doctor_negative at 8:16 AM on May 27, 2005
santiagogo, how did they get the photo? Aw you're cute. Or...were ;)
Second new superhero idea:
Shrinky Dinky Man. He's only 4 inches tall, but if he bakes himself in an oven for what seems an interminable amount of time, he can shrink himself down to 2 inches tall. No one has found any actual use for Shrinky Dinky yet, but people spend an inordinate amount of time marvelling that there's really hardly any difference between being two inches tall and being four inches tall.
His costume consists of a tshirt that says "Size Doesn't Matter" on it (although Shrinky secretly suspects that this is not true, and that women are merely placating him when they insist that it doesn't) and white tights with little pictures of EZ Bake Ovens all over them. No one said that Shrinky didn't have a sense of humor.
posted by iconomy at 8:23 AM on May 27, 2005
Second new superhero idea:
Shrinky Dinky Man. He's only 4 inches tall, but if he bakes himself in an oven for what seems an interminable amount of time, he can shrink himself down to 2 inches tall. No one has found any actual use for Shrinky Dinky yet, but people spend an inordinate amount of time marvelling that there's really hardly any difference between being two inches tall and being four inches tall.
His costume consists of a tshirt that says "Size Doesn't Matter" on it (although Shrinky secretly suspects that this is not true, and that women are merely placating him when they insist that it doesn't) and white tights with little pictures of EZ Bake Ovens all over them. No one said that Shrinky didn't have a sense of humor.
posted by iconomy at 8:23 AM on May 27, 2005
Hey, Wino, nice Aubrey/Maturin reference. Deadly, indeed.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 8:30 AM on May 27, 2005
posted by BigLankyBastard at 8:30 AM on May 27, 2005
Grazzi BLB. I reread them all every two or three years and then I cannot get them out of my head for months.
In the line of Shrinky Dink Man I have always been partial to my idea for a man who can talk to squirrels, the only problem being that squirrels are assholes. I still can't think of what to name him.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:40 AM on May 27, 2005
In the line of Shrinky Dink Man I have always been partial to my idea for a man who can talk to squirrels, the only problem being that squirrels are assholes. I still can't think of what to name him.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:40 AM on May 27, 2005
Wow, there is truly nothing new under the sun. That is amazing, thanks. I still think squirrels are assholes though.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:47 AM on May 27, 2005
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:47 AM on May 27, 2005
Dazzler had the power to turn light into sound. Or was it sound into light? Not sure why Doctor Xavier kept her around.
posted by bardic at 8:56 AM on May 27, 2005
posted by bardic at 8:56 AM on May 27, 2005
Not sure why Doctor Xavier kept her around.
Because she had to lean down to talk to him?
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 9:01 AM on May 27, 2005
Because she had to lean down to talk to him?
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 9:01 AM on May 27, 2005
Not sure why Doctor Xavier kept her around.
Um did you see her costume?
Third idea for a new superhero:
Pez Man. He has a really long neck like a giraffe. His neck is hollow. His head bends back so that he can fill his neck with large, bullion-shaped bombs. The bombs release their secret weapon upon detonating - fruit scents. Anyone who knows anything about aromatherapy knows that certain fruit scents are very calming and placating. When criminals are overwhelmed by the scent of blueberries, for example, they will immediately become very docile and easy to capture.
Pez Man's effectiveness as a crime fighter and superhero is somewhat hampered by the fact that he can never seem to get the fruit bombs in quickly enough; they always either pop back out randomly, or get stuck in his neck sideways, thereby jamming up the mechanism that releases them.
posted by iconomy at 9:08 AM on May 27, 2005
Um did you see her costume?
Third idea for a new superhero:
Pez Man. He has a really long neck like a giraffe. His neck is hollow. His head bends back so that he can fill his neck with large, bullion-shaped bombs. The bombs release their secret weapon upon detonating - fruit scents. Anyone who knows anything about aromatherapy knows that certain fruit scents are very calming and placating. When criminals are overwhelmed by the scent of blueberries, for example, they will immediately become very docile and easy to capture.
Pez Man's effectiveness as a crime fighter and superhero is somewhat hampered by the fact that he can never seem to get the fruit bombs in quickly enough; they always either pop back out randomly, or get stuck in his neck sideways, thereby jamming up the mechanism that releases them.
posted by iconomy at 9:08 AM on May 27, 2005
Kind of silly to put "Dr. Bong" up there, as, if I remember correctly, he's the villain from the Howard the Duck comics. He was created specifically as a parody of ridiculous super-villain costumes.
posted by papakwanz at 9:11 AM on May 27, 2005
posted by papakwanz at 9:11 AM on May 27, 2005
iconomy, you've got a knack for this.
And D_W: thanks for carrying my pistols to the battlefield.
On preview: somehow it makes sense that Dr. Bong would battle a giant wisecracking duck.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 9:24 AM on May 27, 2005
And D_W: thanks for carrying my pistols to the battlefield.
On preview: somehow it makes sense that Dr. Bong would battle a giant wisecracking duck.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 9:24 AM on May 27, 2005
This made me laugh so hard I snorted, then the people having a meeting in the room across the hallway all stared and I pretended to organize papers on my desk,
posted by Specklet at 9:49 AM on May 27, 2005
posted by Specklet at 9:49 AM on May 27, 2005
Fuzzy Monster, thanks to you I have finally discovered my true calling. I'm on the phone with DC comics right now. They dig The Bedazzler.
posted by iconomy at 10:08 AM on May 27, 2005
posted by iconomy at 10:08 AM on May 27, 2005
I have always been partial to my idea for a man who can talk to squirrels... I still can't think of what to name him.
I suggest Kronk.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:59 AM on May 27, 2005
I suggest Kronk.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:59 AM on May 27, 2005
I had a plan to scan in a pile of Liefeld-tastic late-90s' X-Men comics to make a site all about the various mullets the X-men had.
Alas, I do not have a scanner anymore. But, eventually, X-Mullets will come to be.
posted by Katemonkey at 2:11 PM on May 27, 2005
Alas, I do not have a scanner anymore. But, eventually, X-Mullets will come to be.
posted by Katemonkey at 2:11 PM on May 27, 2005
I don't know what's worse:
a. I didn't know about SA's verbotenosity in these parts,
b. like papakwanz, I'm all too aware of the various socioeconomic, historical, etc., reasons for the lameness of some of these characters, or
c. that the main reason I thought this link was lame was because it didn't include this guy.
posted by kimota at 3:04 PM on May 27, 2005
a. I didn't know about SA's verbotenosity in these parts,
b. like papakwanz, I'm all too aware of the various socioeconomic, historical, etc., reasons for the lameness of some of these characters, or
c. that the main reason I thought this link was lame was because it didn't include this guy.
posted by kimota at 3:04 PM on May 27, 2005
Hey, I like the Aquarian. I like Mr. Excitement from the Tick more though.
posted by Smedleyman at 5:01 PM on May 27, 2005
posted by Smedleyman at 5:01 PM on May 27, 2005
this just in: somethingawful photoshops stuff.
Don't worry, I'll post it to the front page.
posted by shmegegge at 5:38 PM on May 27, 2005
Don't worry, I'll post it to the front page.
posted by shmegegge at 5:38 PM on May 27, 2005
Uh... I think you're a little confused, shmegegge. There's no photoshopping in the above link, just ridiculous superhero goodness. Go on, click on it-- you'll see what I mean.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:31 AM on May 28, 2005
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:31 AM on May 28, 2005
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posted by naxosaxur at 7:16 AM on May 27, 2005