After that, he digs you a grave

October 7, 2005 9:23 AM

Another Starwars kid? (AVI, no sound)
No, this man claims to be a Spetsnaz instructor, being deadly with an entrenching shovel. "The Spetsnaz soldier loves his spade. He has more faith in its reliability and accuracy than he has in his Kalashnikov automatic.".
posted by springload (38 comments total)

"22 inches of mayhem!...It's a foxy shovel that loves a fight!" (Flickr self-link)
posted by Asparagirl at 9:27 AM on October 7, 2005

MEET The Shoveler!
posted by wfrgms at 9:28 AM on October 7, 2005

"22 inches of mayhem!...It's a foxy shovel that loves a fight!"

So much one can do with a shovel.
posted by Peter H at 9:31 AM on October 7, 2005

Do not smock the entrenching tool.
posted by sciurus at 9:33 AM on October 7, 2005

In high school, my friends and I had an entire bit about how you can really fuck someone up with a shovel. I thought I was so clever for ending with "and then you dig them a shallow, shallow grave." Apparently I was not so original.
posted by patgas at 9:43 AM on October 7, 2005

Any meme that's tagged as "The Next Star Wars Kid" immediately loses any value. The Star Wars Kid was great because it was inadvertantly great. This "get in on the ground floor of the next big email chain!!" shit just bores me.
posted by Plutor at 9:50 AM on October 7, 2005

There are lots of dangerous things around you at all times. In my experience, people have little clue just what that hoe or garden rake that they're swinging around is capable of doing to somebody's head. So excuse me if I'm unsurprised that a military shovel can be used like a war club...
posted by lodurr at 9:50 AM on October 7, 2005

He looks more like any other kung-fu dude demoing some Nunchucks.

You mean like this?
don't worry, he's okay, he's okay - Filed under "Still a classic"
posted by Peter H at 9:51 AM on October 7, 2005

Ah yes, the Spetsnaz ...

All the cool, dress up vibe of the Navy Seals, but with none of the concern for innocent combatants; viz. Moscow theater standoff, Beslan school hostage crisis and their stellar work in Chechnya.

Actually they're kind of typical for Soviet/Russian "tactics".

"You want the bad guys out of that hamburger place? Sure. And watch, no more than 25 - 30% civilian casualties. Tops!"
posted by Relay at 9:54 AM on October 7, 2005

Random kung fu video. (mpg)
posted by eatitlive at 9:56 AM on October 7, 2005

MEET The Shoveler!

God gave me a gift. I shovel well.
posted by davelog at 9:57 AM on October 7, 2005

Plutor: Relax. I don't mean he's The Next Starwars Kid. He just does some moves in that style, and he does them with a shovel, and he's very serious about it. I think it looks funny.
posted by springload at 10:01 AM on October 7, 2005

Baby, you shovel better than any man I've ever known. But that does not make you a superhero.
posted by melimelo at 10:06 AM on October 7, 2005

bondcliff, I think it's the made-for-tv version of All Quiet On the Western Front where there's a pretty cool scene involving just this. The dialogue is something along the lines of "Blades are for sissies. Real men use spades!"
posted by bardic at 10:09 AM on October 7, 2005

"No, this man claims to be a Spetsnaz instructor"

Sp...az instructor?
posted by insomnia_lj at 10:12 AM on October 7, 2005

i remember seeing a veteran of stalingrad, telling the camera about how good a spade was as street fighting there and that he killed 'a lot' of germans that way. whatever you might think of the link, i will always have the deepest respect for those veterans
posted by quarsan at 10:17 AM on October 7, 2005

e-tool brute' ?
posted by nervousfritz at 10:20 AM on October 7, 2005

Relay - that's Alpha Group, part of the KGB. The real Spetznaz are not an anti-terrorist unit, they are more akin to the US Special Forces or SAS. Whilst the wiki article I linked to refers to them as "spetznaz" that is just the same as applying the catch-all term "Special Forces" to units like Army Rangers. Actual spetznaz are controlled by the GRU, whilst the KGB run Alpha Group et al are referred to as OSNAZ.

I'm going to shut up now because knowing all that was really, really sad.
posted by longbaugh at 10:59 AM on October 7, 2005

longbaugh - I thought that the Alpha Team was a group culled from within the ranks of the Spetznaz, but I could be wrong.

I haven't kept as close a watch on this stuff since the Soviet Union broke up; it's like trying to keep track of a bunch of toddlers on big wheels.
posted by Relay at 11:06 AM on October 7, 2005

GRU and KGB have always been separate and rivals Relay. Spetznaz falls under Military Intelligence (GRU) whilst the KGB had it's own troops (border guards etc) which it recruits for Alpha Group and Vympel etc. A good analogue would be with GSG9 which is Germany's Anti-terrorist group and comes from the Border Police. Spetznaz would be like the KSK, the Army special forces unit.

Now I'm definitely going to shut up before I scare anyone.
posted by longbaugh at 11:18 AM on October 7, 2005

Just makes we want to go Indiana Jones on his ass and shoot him in the face while he's flipping around his little shovel.
posted by JeffK at 11:30 AM on October 7, 2005

Hey Springload, that last link there is one of the most delightful and chillingly lunatic pieces of prose I have ever read. Wow.

This is a book about people who throw spades and about soldiers who work with spades more surely and more accurately than they do with spoons at a table. They do, of course, have other weapons besides their spades.

posted by Divine_Wino at 12:12 PM on October 7, 2005

lodurr - yeah, a lot of Eastern martial arts involve (modified or not) farming tools easily available to peasants. There are also a lot of examples of farming implements quickly converted to war tools from Western medieval era.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 12:15 PM on October 7, 2005

Ive watching American Dad. Star Wars Kid, to my amusement, was in that too :)
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 1:01 PM on October 7, 2005

You go to war with the shovel you have not with the shovel you want.

Aside from being effective as a weapon there's a pretty good psychological effect of charging someone and swinging a freakin' shovel! As in, you know that guy's totally nuts.
posted by fenriq at 1:10 PM on October 7, 2005

I dont' see anything in the video.

(camo joke)
posted by tomplus2 at 2:32 PM on October 7, 2005

I like Asparagirl's foxy shovel ad a lot!

urbanwhaleshark: Yes, it never seems to die out. I get a hint of bad conscience for bringing him up. That kid really deserves to be left alone.

Divine_Wino: Glad you like it. Regarding accurate shovel throwing, I found some guys over at martialtalk.com drooling over this picture.
posted by springload at 2:42 PM on October 7, 2005

IMHO, a safer, yet potentially more (psychologically) dangerous weapon, would be the rake, as lodurr says. You simply drop it on the ground and run away.
Then somebody runs up and steps on the end and gets hit in the face. heh.

fenriq: that guy's totally nuts.
Right, but what's crazier than a guy running at you with a rake?
posted by Tacitus at 3:42 PM on October 7, 2005

All the cool, dress up vibe of the Navy Seals

Don't they dress up like the French?
posted by ninebelow at 3:48 PM on October 7, 2005

I've been thinking for years about making up a mock web site for a 'tactical fighting spork magazine', but then I realized I'd be shooting fish in a barrel making fun of guys like this.
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:53 PM on October 7, 2005

'tactical fighting spork magazine'

For accuracy, that should probably read "adjustable range urban tactical combat multipurpose ingestion implement (night-sights, kung-fu grip, and close-quarters target acquisition system optional)" or ARUTCMII(nskfgcqtaso) for short.
posted by Jon-o at 5:28 PM on October 7, 2005

Dig it.
posted by SPrintF at 6:07 PM on October 7, 2005

My old man knew a guy that was forced to use his entrenchment tool as a weapon in Vietnam. I guess it worked. Though less than ideal. The story goes - he ran out of ammo for his rifle and his side arm and his knife got stuck or snagged in a guy who subsequently ran off into the night with it buried in his side. He was left to bashing in skulls until the rest of his Montagnard team caught up.

PS. Spets is so over rated. Essentially they are better marketing tool for quack fitness routines and goofy martial arts instruction than a Special Forces group.
posted by tkchrist at 8:26 PM on October 7, 2005

You want the bad guys out of that hamburger place?

The Russians do not have hamburger technology.
posted by Krrrlson at 8:35 PM on October 7, 2005

In light of this link, I'd definitely want this guy to have my back in any combat situation.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:00 PM on October 7, 2005

I can't tell if this is for real or not, but I knew an ex-Spetsnaz here in the States who liked to go spear-hunting during deer season. Shooting the critters wasn't challenging enough to be interesting anymore.
posted by alumshubby at 7:40 AM on October 8, 2005

Rambo VIII: The Gardener
posted by mecran01 at 7:06 AM on October 9, 2005

The Spaznuts. Meh.

Reminds me of that scene from the Untouchables though where Connery asks Kostner why he's carrying a gun and he says he's a treasury agent and Connery lets him go. Kostner asks him why he didn't check his ID and make sure he really was a treasury agent.
"Who would claim to be that...who was not?"

Heh.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:54 AM on October 10, 2005