Like Zorro on Doughnuts.

December 8, 2005 1:05 PM

He looks like Zorro on doughnuts. Noel Gallagher berates White Stripes' Jack White for writing a song for a Coke ad (more here), saying it was as bad as doing an ad for McDonald's: "Jack White has just written a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts, I don't believe in adverts. He's meant to be the posterboy for the alternative way of thinking." But as the article notes: "Noel and his brother Liam are believed to be pocketing a six-figure sum from Toshiba for endorsing its 803 MP3 mobile phone."
posted by josephtate (74 comments total)

ceases to be in the club

what club, Noel? the club of has-beens who did one beautiful record, once, 11 years ago? that club?

oh, and I miss your wife's column in the Sunday Times about your shopping sprees and designer toilet paper, Noel. that was really rock'n'roll
posted by matteo at 1:15 PM on December 8, 2005

And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts

Ha ha ha. I like the White Stripes, but that is fully brilliant.
posted by Divine_Wino at 1:17 PM on December 8, 2005

"He ceases to be in the club. And ... I don't believe in adverts."

Wow. What a fucking moron. "The club"? Heh. And odd that he doesn't believe in adverts as I've certainly seen ads for Oasis albums and tours.

I think it's cool that White wrote the song for Coke rather than allow them to use an existing song which would already have associations for fans. I'd certainly rather see that in the future than hear another Dylan or Beatles song used to pimp a bank or sports shoe.
posted by dobbs at 1:18 PM on December 8, 2005

Jack got off easy. At least Noel didn't wish AIDS on him.
posted by xmutex at 1:19 PM on December 8, 2005

and yes he is big fucking hypocrite since he is a born sellout and looks like a snapping turtle on Heinekens and yayo. Still a good line.
posted by Divine_Wino at 1:20 PM on December 8, 2005

That's the second physical description of Jack White to make me laugh today. The other came from a friend who somehow had never seen what they looked like until last night:

"The guy in the band also has a pencil thin mustache and really looks like he should be a molester by trade. "
posted by COBRA! at 1:21 PM on December 8, 2005

When Noel Gallagher speaks, I tune out.
posted by NationalKato at 1:23 PM on December 8, 2005

what matteo said.
posted by dig_duggler at 1:25 PM on December 8, 2005

Where is the next Mark Chapman when you need him?
posted by longbaugh at 1:26 PM on December 8, 2005

when was the last time anything noel gallagher said, wrote, did or sang was worth paying attention to? 1994? Christ.
posted by spicynuts at 1:31 PM on December 8, 2005

"selling out" is a bourgeois conceit; but "zorro on doughnuts" did make me laugh. it's true, it's true!
posted by jcruelty at 1:34 PM on December 8, 2005

In addition to endorsing Toshiba phones ol' Noel also endorsed Sky Box Office film channel and happily warbled on a TV commercial with the Chemical brothers ("Let Forever Be"). He's got stuck into plenty folk about adverts before though, Kylie, 50 Cent and so on. Good man!
posted by brautigan at 1:44 PM on December 8, 2005

from the article: Gallagher also said he did not believe in ads and did not need the cash. However, Noel and his brother Liam are believed to be pocketing a six-figure sum from Toshiba for endorsing its 803 MP3 mobile phone.

"Zorro on doughnuts," however, is indeed fucking brilliant.
posted by scody at 1:48 PM on December 8, 2005

Damn, meant to underline the bit about "not believing" in adverts. Is that like not believing in Beatles, Noel?
posted by scody at 1:49 PM on December 8, 2005

Noel Gallagher is an ass, and his band is overrated.

and rock and roll Coca-Cola ads are a rock tradition, everybody from Tom Jones to the Blues Magoos to The Who did 'em back in the 60's. (I have the mp3's to prove it)

You think you're better than the who, Noel, you little putz?
posted by jonmc at 1:52 PM on December 8, 2005

These are my favourite types of stories, everyone is wrong, and there's plenty of scorn to go around.

But if Noel convinces one impressionable kid to forgo The White Stripes due to some sure to be shitty Coke advert, then I say Oasis have done their first good work in a decade.
posted by Keith Talent at 1:53 PM on December 8, 2005

Jack White resides a good hundred floors above Noel Gallagher in the Tower of Song. That said, he does look like Zorro on doughnuts. Hee.
posted by EarBucket at 1:55 PM on December 8, 2005

Is it just me or does no one seem to want to see the advert before they comment in this thread? If anyone does happen to know if it is online somewhere, that would be great.
posted by benightedly_heedful at 2:00 PM on December 8, 2005

Liam and Noel better watch their mouths, or end up like Jason Stollsteimer. It's Neil and Axel all over again.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:00 PM on December 8, 2005

Where is the next Mark Chapman when you need him?

That should go in the comment hall of fame. What timing!
posted by smackfu at 2:02 PM on December 8, 2005

Noel Gallagher? I thought he was dead. Seriously. Oh well.
posted by R. Mutt at 2:06 PM on December 8, 2005

Oh, and the Jack White - Loretta Lynn album, Van Lear Rose, is amazing.
posted by R. Mutt at 2:10 PM on December 8, 2005

Noel's just disappointed and bitter because he originally thought it would be a jingle for cocaine.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:11 PM on December 8, 2005

This is a little strange , coming from the guy who ripped off the melody of a Coke ad (I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing) for his second single (Shakermaker).
posted by kersplunk at 2:11 PM on December 8, 2005

I can't say that I like the White Stripes, but I can say that I fucking hate Oasis. The Gallagher brothers main talent seems to be talking shit about other people, whilst not possessing any kind of self-criticism. If they'd stop slagging everyone else off and instead looked at their own inadequacies, then they might just produce another good record.
posted by ob at 2:15 PM on December 8, 2005

I have a lot of time for Noel Gallagher, not because his band is all that great, but simply because he's a music fan like I am and on occasion he can be both very funny and very perceptive.

Just because old has-beens like Oasis are selling out does not let Jack White off the hook - doing tunes for Coke fucking sucks.
posted by dodgygeezer at 2:15 PM on December 8, 2005

God bless the Gallaghers...

DW: Ricky Gervais told me there's a story that Liam thinks Spinal Tap are a real band. Is that true?

NG: Yeah, he thought they were real people. We went to see them play in Carnegie Hall. Before they played, they came on as three folk singers from the film A Mighty Wind. We were laughing and he said: 'This is shit'. We said: 'No, those three are in Spinal Tap. You do know they are American actors?' 'They're not even a real band?' 'They're not even English! One of them is married to Jamie Lee Curtis.' 'I'm not fuckin' 'avin that,' he says, and walks off right up the middle of Carnegie Hall. He's never watched Spinal Tap since. He'd seen the film and loved it and thought they were a real band.

posted by Robot Johnny at 2:15 PM on December 8, 2005

You think you're better than the who, Noel, you little putz?

he doesn't, probably. but at least he's not a paedophile
posted by matteo at 2:19 PM on December 8, 2005

"You know, when I'm done ranting about elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian government that uses the media in order to keep people stupid, my throat gets parched. That's why I drink orange drink"

- Hicks
posted by longbaugh at 2:24 PM on December 8, 2005

I like the White Stripes. If Jack wants to make Coke ads, well, um, okay. I guess.

Whatever.

(How's that for an insightful comment?)
posted by meh at 2:27 PM on December 8, 2005

311 would kick them all in the ass.
posted by bardic at 2:31 PM on December 8, 2005

You think you're better than the who, Noel, you little putz?

he doesn't, probably. but at least he's not a paedophile

Pete Townshend Can't Explain
posted by scody at 2:32 PM on December 8, 2005

I think Noel's just trying to establish himself as the alpha male of the bargain bin.
posted by gigawhat? at 2:40 PM on December 8, 2005

Things I'd Like to See #309: Jack White thrashing Noel Gallagher with his cane and top hat.
posted by StarForce5 at 2:42 PM on December 8, 2005

But if Noel convinces one impressionable kid to forgo The White Stripes Oasis due to some sure to be shitty Coke advert, new release, then I say Oasis have done their first good work in a decade.
Damn Straight.

I have a lot of time for Noel Gallagher, not because his band is all that great, but simply because he's a music fan like I am and on occasion he can be both very funny and very perceptive.
Really? Every time I hear a Noel or Liam quote, they're usually insulting a band I enjoy.
posted by muddgirl at 2:58 PM on December 8, 2005

Hahaha, Noel Gallagher thinks people give a damn about what he thinks. Hahaha!
posted by fenriq at 3:23 PM on December 8, 2005

Liam and Noel better watch their mouths, or end up like Jason Stollsteimer.

if you were in a band whose main claims to fame in their day were the fights they picked with other musicians, and you felt you needed to get back in the limelight or at least get a little press to keep the public from totally forgetting you ever existed, who would you pick a fight with today?

jack white seems the logical choice to me.
posted by 3.2.3 at 3:30 PM on December 8, 2005

OK, whatever on Pete (sad to be disilussioned by childhood hero etc), but Noel's not better than Tom Jones either, dammit.
posted by jonmc at 3:34 PM on December 8, 2005

lowering the bar much, huh giovanni?
;)
posted by matteo at 3:41 PM on December 8, 2005

Ha ha ha. I like the White Stripes, but that is fully brilliant.

"selling out" is a bourgeois conceit; but "zorro on doughnuts" did make me laugh. it's true, it's true!

That said, he does look like Zorro on doughnuts. Hee.

"Zorro on doughnuts," however, is indeed fucking brilliant.

Can someone explain this to me?
posted by dgaicun at 3:45 PM on December 8, 2005

Ok, nevermind. He just looks a lot different since the last time I thought about this band.
posted by dgaicun at 3:51 PM on December 8, 2005

"Zorro on doughnuts,

by the way, I read today that Dunkin' Donuts (the whole company) is for sale. maybe Jack'll buy it and eat it all
posted by matteo at 3:52 PM on December 8, 2005

maybe Jack'll buy it and eat it all

hahaha, now I have an image of Jack sitting on the floor of a Dunkin' Donuts store, surrounded by mountains of crullers and with powdered sugar clinging to his mustache.
posted by scody at 3:56 PM on December 8, 2005

I love how by heroined-out rock star standards this is considered obese.
posted by dgaicun at 3:59 PM on December 8, 2005

lowering the bar much, huh giovanni?

hey, give Tom his due, man. Sure, he's a lounge singer, but he's a great lounge singer, and he oozes charm from every orifice. If "What's New Pussycat?" dosen't make you smile, then you have no soul. And yes, I would take Tom over the cliche mongering bores in Oasis. But I do like the White Stripes.
posted by jonmc at 4:16 PM on December 8, 2005

Tom also does a really nice cover of Prince's "Kiss."
posted by jonmc at 4:21 PM on December 8, 2005

Noel Gallagher should really listen to the lyrics Tool's 'Hooker With A Penis' sometime. The part that's most relevant to Noel's little rant is when Maynard James Keenan sings;

Well now I've got some
Advice for you, little buddy.
Before you point your finger
You should know that I'm the man,

And if I'm the man,
Then you're the man, and
He's the man as well so you can
Point that fuckin' finger up your ass.

All you know about me is what I've sold you,
Dumb fuck.
I sold out long before you ever even heard my name.

I sold my soul to make a record,
Dip shit, And then you bought one.
posted by Effigy2000 at 4:55 PM on December 8, 2005

Yeah, Coca-Cola ads suck, but the body of work and they way these guys carry themselves speaks volumes more than to whom they sell out.

Every interview I've seen with Jack White (the man who is currently sitting on the King's throne of rock n' roll and has every right to be as arrogant as he wants), he comes off as a smart, sensitive, humble artist who cares a lot about his work. Every interview I've seen with Gallagher (this one included I guess) he comes off as an ass.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 5:24 PM on December 8, 2005

Things I'd Like to See #309: Jack White thrashing Noel Gallagher with his cane and top hat.

I'd put it up a little higher on my list, seeing as how he's beaten the shit out of a fellow musician before. (And looked so dapper in his mug shot!)

I don't know if I agree with the whole coke ad thing, but I'm going to wait until the ad airs before I pass judgement. I like that he isn't using an already released song for it though.

Every interview I've seen with Jack White (the man who is currently sitting on the King's throne of rock an' roll and has every right to be as arrogant as he wants), he comes off as a smart, sensitive, humble artist who cares a lot about his work. Every interview I've seen with Gallagher (this one included I guess) he comes off as an ass.

Took the words right out of my mouth. Gallagher talking shit about the White Stripes doesn't faze me because that's all he does these days anyway. He's washed-up and picks targets who will get him the most attention. (I think he did the same thing with Franz Ferdinand earlier this year)
posted by kosher_jenny at 5:48 PM on December 8, 2005

Noel it is White Stripes not Wide Ties dammit.

Champagne Supernova? Nope more like a Pub Ale Shooting Star.
posted by HyperBlue at 6:01 PM on December 8, 2005

Jesus, was Noel BORN with those fucking eyebrows?
posted by scody at 6:15 PM on December 8, 2005

The Wikipedia entry on Gallagher has a whole subsection for his op-ed career.
posted by dhartung at 6:23 PM on December 8, 2005

Yes, scody. Noel has always been blessed with his glorious brows.
posted by nonmerci at 6:24 PM on December 8, 2005

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned the song "Shakermaker" off of Oasis' 1994 debut "Definitely Maybe", which ripped off the Coca-Cola jingle in a big way.

As much as I love me some middle Gallagher, he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on as far as criticizing Jack White goes.
posted by nonmerci at 6:29 PM on December 8, 2005

Now that I think about it, Jack White is exactly the type of guy who would be aware of the rich legacy of rock and roll Coke ads (this is to his credit) and that's exactly why he's doing it.
posted by jonmc at 7:26 PM on December 8, 2005

longbaugh, oh do the Hicks indictments get ever-more scathing:

"Here's the deal, folks. You do a commercial - you're off the artistic roll call, forever. End of story. Okay? You're another whore at the captialist gang bang and if you do a commercial, there's a price on your head. Everything you say is suspect and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd falling into my drink."
posted by dgaicun at 7:54 PM on December 8, 2005

Here's the deal, folks. You do a commercial - you're off the artistic roll call, forever.

Like Elvis Presley, Ernest Hemigway (he did a Ballantine beer ad), Run DMC, Bob Dylan, the Jefferson Airplane, The Who, The Beatles, and the list goes on and on...

Enjoy your self-satisfaction, Bill, it's what you had to compensate for not being funny.
posted by jonmc at 7:57 PM on December 8, 2005

NG: He ceases to be in the club.

Why the hell would J White (or any intelligent, creative artist ) want to belong to your "club" ?
posted by R. Mutt at 8:08 PM on December 8, 2005

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned the song "Shakermaker" off of Oasis' 1994 debut "Definitely Maybe", which ripped off the Coca-Cola jingle in a big way.

But someone, kerplunk, has.

As for the club, I'm not all surprised that Noel still cares about this highschool level nonsense. His arch rival (or one of them) Damon Albarn is far more musically relevant than he, and always was. This is a bloke who mistook sales for musical ability, at least when it came to his band.

That said, such judgements, are of course, relative.
posted by juiceCake at 8:22 PM on December 8, 2005

jon, and let us not forget.
posted by dgaicun at 8:38 PM on December 8, 2005

My favorite semi-recent groan, was Zack de la Rocha on the cover of Vanity Fair modeling a designer Calvin Klein army shirt that was indistinguishable from the 50c used ones I got from the surplus store in highschool. Fight that machine, Zack!

Its like Bill Hicks though, I'll take talented hypocrisy and sanctimony over unpretentious mediocrity any day. And Rage Against the Machine (or whatever its called now) hasn't been much lately, mmmm mmm.
posted by dgaicun at 8:57 PM on December 8, 2005

Jack's just doing this because Coke is red and white. It's diabolical really; every time you see a can of coke you'll get a subliminal urge to buy a Stripes CD.

And btw, the unibrow twins still suck.
posted by Devils Slide at 10:57 PM on December 8, 2005

Like Elvis Presley, Ernest Hemigway (he did a Ballantine beer ad), Run DMC, Bob Dylan, the Jefferson Airplane, The Who, The Beatles, and the list goes on and on...

All of whom did it when their careers were in the toilet and their meaningful creative output was effectively over.

As for Bill Hicks not being funny -- well, I guess that's why he had to come over here to get a decent audience. Pearls before swine and all that...
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:04 PM on December 8, 2005

Well, we owed you for Benny Hill.
posted by Devils Slide at 12:05 AM on December 9, 2005

Bill Hicks for Benny Hill? Gotta love that exchange rate.
posted by longbaugh at 2:05 AM on December 9, 2005

Hah... Zorro on Doughnuts. Love it! I liked The White Stripes 2 albums ago, but I just can't seem to get back into them.

I actually kinda like the new Oasis album... Lyla is one catchy tune!
posted by antifuse at 3:09 AM on December 9, 2005

dang... my font tag got stripped. Boo for preview not reflecting what will actually show up in the comment! :(
posted by antifuse at 3:20 AM on December 9, 2005

I love Coca-Cola.
posted by srboisvert at 3:32 AM on December 9, 2005

If he makes a good song for the ad, then it makes the world a better place. Simple.

Glad to see I'm not the only one who can't get into "Satan." Put down the damn xylophone mallets and play a guitar!
posted by ibmcginty at 5:22 AM on December 9, 2005

All of whom did it when their careers were in the toilet and their meaningful creative output was effectively over.

Actually, Elvis did a doughnut ad in the 50's, the Who's radio Coke ad was in the mid-60's as was the Airplane's Levis ad and Run DMC did an Adidas spot at the peak of their popularity, too.

Any other half-assed theories you'd like to try?
posted by jonmc at 6:42 AM on December 9, 2005

Shouldn't the issue be whether the Coke song that gets written is any good? Who cares who pays for the guy to eat, whether it's a corporation or 10 million teenagers' parents?
posted by cardboard at 7:41 AM on December 9, 2005

Yag! That photo of Meg White makes me want to reschedule my "list" this weekend. Christ, who to replace her with?
posted by Ogre Lawless at 3:22 PM on December 9, 2005

Jack's just doing this because Coke is red and white. It's diabolical really; every time you see a can of coke you'll get a subliminal urge to buy a Stripes CD.

Perhaps you were just being snarky, but this is kind of interesting to me, actually... it wouldn't shock me if this were true, frankly.
posted by tristeza at 4:04 PM on December 9, 2005

I was only being half snarky. After all, they're named after a brand of candy.
posted by Devils Slide at 6:27 AM on December 11, 2005