Little Alfredo Didn't Look So "Little" Anymore

January 24, 2006 3:30 AM

Because He Fight To Live… And He Fights Dirty As Hell! Bob developed his unique style of "dirty fighting" during his 40 years of formal training, bar brawls and street fights, bounty hunting and busting up narcotics gangs. He served his country well as a "hot-zone" combat soldier in Vietnam, worked as a private eye, a personal armed bodyguard to superstar rock groups (like Aerosmith, the Who and Led Zepplin), and a canine handler for 11 separate jurisdictions. He's also a recognized "Chi Master" - at an infamous Soldier of Fortune convention, he drove a steel rod through his forearm, tied it to a new Ford Mustang, and dragged the car 287 feet... without blood, without pain, without scarring. (Don't try this at home.)
posted by Sticherbeast (57 comments total)

This is a spoof right?
posted by A189Nut at 3:36 AM on January 24, 2006

I bet he gets his ass handed to him by Metafilter.
posted by Joeforking at 3:42 AM on January 24, 2006

And Chuck Norris, of course, made a shooing gesture and knocked him clean out of Texas.
posted by Malor at 3:50 AM on January 24, 2006

Silly.
posted by qwip at 3:57 AM on January 24, 2006

Hmm ... think maybe I'll just stick to my own patented techniques of power running-away™ or power staying-away-from-trouble™.
posted by kcds at 4:00 AM on January 24, 2006

Simple "impaling" tricks GUARANTEED to stun and amaze you…

But not as much as the guy with the paperclip embedded deep into his forehead from 16-feet away.
posted by slimepuppy at 4:02 AM on January 24, 2006

He should totally meet the One Red Paperclip guy. They could team up! "Not only can you kill a man with a paperclip, you can then turn that paperclip into a house!"
posted by antifuse at 4:07 AM on January 24, 2006

Also - somebody needs to buy these dvd's and rip them and release them on the internet, under the "Comedy" header. :)
posted by antifuse at 4:11 AM on January 24, 2006

I doubt he could handle Rex Quan Do. It was, after all, developed over two seasons of fighting in the Octagon.
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:15 AM on January 24, 2006

Did Chuck Norris use his hands and his feet?
posted by allen.spaulding at 4:15 AM on January 24, 2006

He should totally meet the One Red Paperclip guy. They could team up! "Not only can you kill a man with a paperclip, you can then turn that paperclip into a house!"

If someone threw a house at you from 16 feet away, you'd be stunned and amazed. I guarantee it!
posted by benzo8 at 4:22 AM on January 24, 2006

In my experience (having taught kung fu and co-owned a school) the most common Chi Gung employed by so-called "masters" is Exalted Bloviation.

That's not to say Bob's not a Bad Mofo™, of course.

But I would strongly advise kcds' suggested "power staying-away-from-trouble™" as the best form of self defense you can study.
posted by darkstar at 4:25 AM on January 24, 2006

You're laughing now but you won't be in 11 days when Bob destroys your package.
posted by biffa at 4:25 AM on January 24, 2006

Yes, what the heck was all that about a package?
posted by A189Nut at 4:29 AM on January 24, 2006

This monkey is not so much concerned with his package as with his peaches. This monkey doesn't want his peaches taken away.
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:35 AM on January 24, 2006

"...during his 40 years of formal training, bar brawls and street fights..."

Ever heard of Sun Tzu, Bob?
posted by darkstar at 4:39 AM on January 24, 2006

nice post.
posted by jonvaughan at 4:42 AM on January 24, 2006

God, I can't wait to impale all of your heads with paperclips.

I can't freaking wait!
posted by sic at 5:06 AM on January 24, 2006

BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!!
posted by Toecutter at 5:10 AM on January 24, 2006

Don't believe it? Well neither did I - until little Alfredo - my 5'7" 128-pounds staff editor - expertly shot and stuck a paper clip, (exactly like the one I've attached to this letter), into a rock-hard plaster wall — from across the office.

I'm amazed how the guy managed to attach a paperclip to the internet!
posted by chrid at 5:11 AM on January 24, 2006

Bob, meet Matt. Matt, Bob.

FIGHT!!!
posted by moonbiter at 5:14 AM on January 24, 2006

What Toecutter said.
posted by Fezboy! at 5:30 AM on January 24, 2006

It's that big.
posted by theorique at 5:32 AM on January 24, 2006

Heh...sensai turn a paperclip into a deadly weapon? Sensai be prosecuted and convicted for attempted murder by paperclip.
posted by mrmojoflying at 5:35 AM on January 24, 2006

I wonder if this is the same guy I saw an article on in SOF back in the early 80s who liked to prove what a badass he was by lying down and letting somebody drive a jeep over his midsection so he could demonstrate how toned his abs were.

Yawn.

My foolproof method of dealing with tough guys in bars is to look 'em right in the eye and say, "I think I'm about to puke." They always back off. Nobody wants to wind up wearing someone else's vomit.
posted by alumshubby at 6:08 AM on January 24, 2006

But alumshubby is it projectile vomit, accurate up to 20 feet?
posted by slimepuppy at 6:16 AM on January 24, 2006

I love guys like this. They're regularly exposed and made fun of over at bullshido and e-budo. Heck, here's a thread from the latter about Bob Pierce/TRS. Including a review of a pamphlet they put out. Pretty entertaining.

He would tremble before the might of the Shogun of Harlem, though.
posted by splice at 6:20 AM on January 24, 2006

Well, I have to confess. I actually googled "Dead-Eye Power Throwing" to see if I could see what this "power throwing" thing was all about, and I found this from a critique of a NewsMax ad block found on a "War on Christmas" page:

Next, hop to the advertisement on the bottom. This one is an animated graphic, so you're seeing just one of its several panels here. Yet, its message is pretty clear: The advertisers expect that NewsMax readers are likely to be sexually frustrated men who are frequently rejected by women.

Just wait until you hear what comes after the initial message appealing to men who hate rejection by women. The advertisement quickly flashes to another panel, which advises NewsMax readers that they can "discover forbidden attraction secrets the liberal media does not want you to know". No kidding. Not only are the advertisers on NewsMax betting that a lot of right wing activists are sexually incompetent, they're also pushing the claim that there is a secret sexual conspiracy by the liberal media elite to keep right wing men from learning the secrets of being sexually attractive to women. I don't have to make it up, because NewsMax broadcasts this sad truth straight its readers: Many right wing males really believe that the only reason that they aren't having as much sex as they want is that the liberal media elites are keeping the art of picking up women a secret.

Stop and think about that for a second. According to this advertisement accepted by NewsMax, if it weren't for the liberal media, right wingers all across America would be going out and having lots of promiscuous sex. Therefore, according to this strange conspiracy theory, the liberal media is all that stands between America and a right wing free love movement. To fix the problem, NewsMax is endorsing a campaign to spread the word about how have all the sex you want. If it feels good, do it, right?

[/derail]
posted by lodurr at 6:26 AM on January 24, 2006

lodurr: You may find it somewhat amusing that NewsMax - can't even remember how I wound up there - is precisely where I found this website.

Gotta say, that psychotic banner ad is awfully effective.
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:37 AM on January 24, 2006

Wait, quick impalement tricks? Do you think Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey was a student?
posted by splice at 6:38 AM on January 24, 2006

Ack, sorry I didn't check my link: Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey
posted by splice at 6:39 AM on January 24, 2006

Newsmax. LOL.

I think it's pretty sad that someone could be so deluded as to believe that liberals are effecting their sex lives. On the other hand I suppose many liberals believe that Conservatives are preventing society from being as promiscuous or gay-friendly as they would like, and that the typical 'straw woman' feminist is somewhat anti-sex, as bad as Ashcroft when you get down too it. But anti-sex feminists are only a tiny segment of the VLWC with no real sway.
posted by delmoi at 6:53 AM on January 24, 2006

"Sweep the leg, Johnny!"
posted by sourwookie at 7:16 AM on January 24, 2006

I'll listen to that nutcase once he lasts sixty seconds against Fedor Emelianenko.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:23 AM on January 24, 2006

seems at least some people are able to throw needles through glass...
posted by stilgar at 7:57 AM on January 24, 2006

ps. i saw that episode the guy really could get them to stick in glass, however he used needles and i doubt would be able to do the same with a paper clip or plastic fork. it was pretty sweet to watch. it could be used for assassinations i guess if the needle was poisoned.
posted by stilgar at 7:59 AM on January 24, 2006

Even little kids who can't tie their own shoes can use this to stick a weapon deep into targets.

now that's a good visual.
posted by ab3 at 8:07 AM on January 24, 2006

My question is whether or not he studied with Count Dante.


posted by tcobretti at 8:08 AM on January 24, 2006

posted by wakko at 8:18 AM on January 24, 2006

I PROMISE TO TEACH THIS TECHNIQUE TO ANYONE WITHOUT A BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF NEWTONIAN PHYSICS!
posted by klangklangston at 8:35 AM on January 24, 2006

Damnit. I'm too slow to run away but too weak to fight people.

I'll have to stick with curling up into a ball.
posted by craven_morhead at 8:40 AM on January 24, 2006

I wonder who would win in a fight... Bob or Marc Animal MacYoung. If they were having a sweet tank top fight, I'd have to put my money on MacYoung.
posted by hypocritical ross at 9:04 AM on January 24, 2006

Metafilter: right wing free love
posted by CynicalKnight at 9:14 AM on January 24, 2006

Paper clip? Needles? Ricky Jay could put a playing card through your skull. Oh, yeah, best use of the bold tag on the front page in ages.
posted by fixedgear at 9:18 AM on January 24, 2006

Over 80 improper uses of the quotation marks. That has got to be some sort of punctuation record outside of Archie comics.
posted by chemoboy at 9:58 AM on January 24, 2006

Metafilter: I will simply destroy your package.
posted by emelenjr at 10:22 AM on January 24, 2006

"a personal armed bodyguard to superstar rock groups (like Aerosmith, the Who and Led Zepplin"

Lemmy worked as a roadie for Jimi Hendrix....he'd kick this guys ass.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:54 AM on January 24, 2006

I'll have to stick with curling up into a ball.

I utilize this method along with expanding my quills.
posted by jalexei at 11:16 AM on January 24, 2006

Wait, there isn't a liberal conspiracy to prevent right wing jackasses from having all the sex they want? I thought it was called "feminism."

Seriously, though, isn't feminism all about empowering women so that they aren't forced to live a life subjected to the will of some right wing jackass?

That aside, I'd like to see this guy try to stop a bullet with his chi.
posted by Pollomacho at 11:29 AM on January 24, 2006

FEAR NO MAN!
I'll make you a MASTER of LLAP-Goch, ...the Secret Welsh ART of SELF DEFENCE that requires NO INTELLIGENCE, STRENGTH or PHYSICAL courage.
(geocities link - best i could find, so far)
posted by Zack_Replica at 11:44 AM on January 24, 2006

"That aside, I'd like to see this guy try to stop a bullet with his chi." - posted by Pollomacho

Ah, so you're a practitioner of 'ching-ching'.
posted by Smedleyman at 12:44 PM on January 24, 2006

You know it's really, really odd, but my wife's name is Qing Qing (pronounced "ching-ching") so I suppose, yes, I am a practitioner.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:48 PM on January 24, 2006

Pollomacho: LOL!
posted by nlindstrom at 1:41 PM on January 24, 2006

That’s even happier than carrying a warm gun Pollomacho
posted by Smedleyman at 2:02 PM on January 24, 2006

He should've just learned Ekky Thump and saved himself all that trouble...
posted by pompomtom at 4:57 PM on January 24, 2006

This link made me cry with laughter.

Seriously, I immediately distrust anyone who thinks that the only way I'll understand them is if they highlight the salient portions of their huckster's spiel.
posted by FormlessOne at 3:14 AM on January 25, 2006

The linked advertisement seemed to be based on the abilities of the supervillain Bullseye. Who knew that Daredevil's greatest nemesis learned his skills through a video course?

I looked at the main page of the site, and the guy seems to be selling other videos by Paul Vunak. Mr. Vunak is a legitimate instructor who has to be embarrassed at the ridiculous advertising for his work.
posted by tdismukes at 2:57 PM on January 25, 2006