Flowcharts that are actually useful
August 19, 2009 5:53 PM Subscribe
Holy Taco has created a series of flowcharts that are actually useful. They have flowchart guides for losing your virginity, determining if a date will end in sex, describing 90% of porn movies, and lying to your girlfriend.
If only all of life could be summed up so succinctly.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Consensus seems to be that "super creepy" is the keyword for these charts. -- cortex
Anyone able to find the flowchart to Keyra Augustina's Ass?
posted by gman at 5:58 PM on August 19, 2009
posted by gman at 5:58 PM on August 19, 2009
For some strange reason, I really wanted these to be funny. Oh well.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:59 PM on August 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:59 PM on August 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
|Are you using a flowchart to determine whether you are having sex tonight?|
- YESY ->
|You are definitely not having sex tonight|
posted by Midnight Rambler at 6:02 PM on August 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
- YESY ->
|You are definitely not having sex tonight|
posted by Midnight Rambler at 6:02 PM on August 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
For the 'losing your virginity' chart, why are these the two options:
1. Get a girl drunk and have sex with her.
2. Get a girl drunk until she passes out and then have sex with her (and then go to jail, oops!)
Where's option three:
3. Don't be a sexist asshole, find an awesome girl that you connect with, and have all sorts of crazy monkey sex of your dreams, and remember every single moment for all eternity because you were totally sober.
I'm not going to even address the other little problems with this chart. I'm sure others will have it covered.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:04 PM on August 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
1. Get a girl drunk and have sex with her.
2. Get a girl drunk until she passes out and then have sex with her (and then go to jail, oops!)
Where's option three:
3. Don't be a sexist asshole, find an awesome girl that you connect with, and have all sorts of crazy monkey sex of your dreams, and remember every single moment for all eternity because you were totally sober.
I'm not going to even address the other little problems with this chart. I'm sure others will have it covered.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:04 PM on August 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'd guess all of life could be summed up that succinctly for the fratty-boom-batty types that came up with these.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:05 PM on August 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Countess Elena at 6:05 PM on August 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
You are male or matronly, I guess, since "handsome" isn't generally used to describe women not of a certain age.
If it's a first date, if you are incredibly rich or handsome, you will have sex tonight (apparently).
If it's not a first date, if you are going to prom, you will have sex tonight.
Otherwise, the only way you will have sex tonight is if your date is too drunk to stand (even if you're incredibly rich or handsome—that trick apparently only works on the first date).
I think they might have mislabeled the "are you a rapist?" flowchart.
posted by kenko at 6:05 PM on August 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
If it's a first date, if you are incredibly rich or handsome, you will have sex tonight (apparently).
If it's not a first date, if you are going to prom, you will have sex tonight.
Otherwise, the only way you will have sex tonight is if your date is too drunk to stand (even if you're incredibly rich or handsome—that trick apparently only works on the first date).
I think they might have mislabeled the "are you a rapist?" flowchart.
posted by kenko at 6:05 PM on August 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Could this be more sexist?
Probably, but I'd rather not imagine what that would look like.
posted by oddman at 6:05 PM on August 19, 2009
Probably, but I'd rather not imagine what that would look like.
posted by oddman at 6:05 PM on August 19, 2009
Can you get chloroform?
That's not "super creepy sex." That's rape.
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:07 PM on August 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
That's not "super creepy sex." That's rape.
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:07 PM on August 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
I like my Holy Taco with a side of flags.
posted by porn in the woods at 6:12 PM on August 19, 2009
posted by porn in the woods at 6:12 PM on August 19, 2009
Dude, how could you possibly ever think this would go over well on Metafilter of all places.
posted by kbanas at 6:13 PM on August 19, 2009
posted by kbanas at 6:13 PM on August 19, 2009
|Is your username reenum?|
YES->
|Does the girl read Metafilter?|
YES->
|You are definitely not having sex tonight|
posted by Midnight Rambler at 6:13 PM on August 19, 2009 [5 favorites]
YES->
|Does the girl read Metafilter?|
YES->
|You are definitely not having sex tonight|
posted by Midnight Rambler at 6:13 PM on August 19, 2009 [5 favorites]
oh, and this is material rejected by Cracked.com
posted by porn in the woods at 6:13 PM on August 19, 2009
posted by porn in the woods at 6:13 PM on August 19, 2009
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posted by dejah420 at 5:57 PM on August 19, 2009 [5 favorites]