Oh Look It's The Hangover Ham!

January 1, 2012 9:12 AM

Atlantic Wire: Science's Best Hangiver Cures

Related: Gwyneth Paltrow's best hangover cures

posted by The Whelk (66 comments total)

Ugghhh... timely.
posted by troll at 9:15 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

With a hangiver, typing can be a challenge. ;)
posted by caddis at 9:15 AM on January 1, 2012 [4 favorites]

Thanks gwenyth, I know when I feel like dying from a hangover I always have the inclination and energy to jump from bathtubs to showers and back. At least no one said 'drink a glass of water between drinks'. Um, ok it's too late for that!!!! I will stick with ramen extra spicy and diet coke.
posted by bquarters at 9:24 AM on January 1, 2012

It hurts my own hangover to see "Gwyneth" misspelled twice in a row.
posted by hermitosis at 9:34 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

oooooooh, spicy ramen sounds good right now.
posted by subbes at 9:34 AM on January 1, 2012

Still no cure for poor typists. =\
posted by carsonb at 9:35 AM on January 1, 2012

Frozen pancake on a stick(a sort of corn dog made with pancakes and sausage) fresh from the microwave. That is all.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:41 AM on January 1, 2012

I wish I hadn't gone out to celebrate when on the verge of some sort of flu... I think I'm half hungover and half sick and it is not going well.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:41 AM on January 1, 2012

File under dog, hair of.

As a public service:

Previously.
Previously.
Previously.
Previously.
Previously
posted by chavenet at 9:42 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I once gave Han over this neuronic whip thing and I'm still in debt, probably for life.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:42 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't see "bloody mary" on either of these lists.
posted by nathancaswell at 9:48 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

It hurts my own hangover to see "Gwyneth" misspelled twice in a row.

It's actually spelled "Gwynedd."
posted by Mayor Curley at 9:50 AM on January 1, 2012

Gwnythulhu
posted by The Whelk at 9:54 AM on January 1, 2012 [11 favorites]

It hurts my own hangover to see "Gwyneth" misspelled twice in a row.

Preeskryptivyst!
posted by pracowity at 10:04 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

In my hand, as I pray to the great porcelin god.
posted by timsteil at 10:06 AM on January 1, 2012

Best Hangiver

That would be someone who gives really good Han. So Harrison Ford, basically.
posted by Grangousier at 10:07 AM on January 1, 2012 [6 favorites]

What's that, you want a handy?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:09 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

When I lived in Nashville a few years back, the local coffeeshop sold a line of locally made flavored tonics that you could add to hot water or iced soda water. They all purported to do something nice and unquantifiable -- focus, restfulness, cold relief, that kind of thing.

The hangover tonic, though, really did the trick. It had a vague fruit flavor, and when I added it to a tall glass of iced soda water, I invariably felt refreshed and awake by the time I was done, and I've never found something to equal it. I wasn't the only one who noticed it, either. Since this shop was down the block from a university, it wasn't long before you just couldn't get any of that hangover tonic after 11 am on a Saturday morning. I'd have liked to order my own, but the brand didn't have any web presence, and I've long since forgotten the name.

I am, of course, a skeptic, and I've always wondered what if anything was really in the stuff. I'm sure that the effect was partly placebo. This article makes me think that the rest of it was fructose, sodium, and water.
posted by Countess Elena at 10:17 AM on January 1, 2012

Having Spicy Alabama Onion Beer [Coffee] Chili in the fridge, ready to microwave for afternoon breakfast, was the best damn decision I've ever made
posted by crayz at 10:18 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

What's that, you want a handy?

Look snail back off cause you're just mashing it now.
posted by orme at 10:25 AM on January 1, 2012

I know a Mefite named Whelk, The
Puts an 'i' where an 'o' should be
He can post typos on the Blue
And do that crazy hangive too

Mefi told Whelk, you've ruined your post
You and that hangive have got to go
Whelk said, Mefi, don't put me down
They're doin' the hangive all over town

Well, Mefi and the doctor and Gwyneth Paltrow
All get a hangover with an 'o'
Way Out Whelk got a bad hangiver
Sure wouldn't want to be his liver

Hangive, hangive, hangive, doin' that crazy hangive

Etc.
posted by Decani at 10:37 AM on January 1, 2012 [4 favorites]

WOULD YOU ALL PLEASE STOP SHOUTING
posted by Ron Thanagar at 10:47 AM on January 1, 2012 [4 favorites]

The rules of a hangover
posted by quiet coyote at 10:49 AM on January 1, 2012

Is there a cure for the not-quite-a-hangover state where everything is just… fuzzy?

Nothing hurts, but my brain isn't quite functioning properly.
posted by spitefulcrow at 10:50 AM on January 1, 2012

Has anyone else noticed that having a BM considerably speeds up hangover relief? My theory is there's still alcohol in my intestines, slowly soaking into my bloodstream /tmi
posted by crayz at 10:55 AM on January 1, 2012

Has anyone else noticed that having a BM considerably speeds up hangover relief? My theory is there's still alcohol in my intestines, slowly soaking into my bloodstream /tmi

To really push that one into TMI territory, I find that it doesn't necessarily speed it up, but BMs are something that happen after a night of heavy drinking regardless...
posted by spitefulcrow at 10:59 AM on January 1, 2012

Dammit, body, I am trying to rehydrate you with Gatorade. Stop the madness.

crayz, it's one way to eliminate toxins. it's pretty common.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:01 AM on January 1, 2012

Didn't you guys read Everybody Poops?

A hangover and the flu at the same time are the worst. Can't even try to sleep without having to throw up.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:02 AM on January 1, 2012

Also, weed
posted by crayz at 11:04 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

After a lot of spilled water (shaky hands), casting about like a madwoman for a pan (where did I put it?) and some serious contemplation on whether or not food was just going to bring up the demons, I succeeded in my quest for a teriyaki noodle bowl. I have seen the face of God, gentlemen, and he's teriyaki flavored.
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:04 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

Today is day 417 sans alcohol. I feel fine! The wifey is veeeery hungover though. Weed has been prescribed.
posted by telstar at 11:07 AM on January 1, 2012 [9 favorites]

One of the few perks of being the evening's DD is getting up early the next morning to play video games with full volume, and then make it a point to empty the dishwasher with much clattering.
posted by Think_Long at 11:36 AM on January 1, 2012 [6 favorites]

One of the few perks of being the evening's DD is getting up early the next morning to play video games with full volume, and then make it a point to empty the dishwasher with much clattering.

evil.
posted by device55 at 11:41 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

Also... try turning the brightness level on your monitor down.
posted by not_on_display at 11:42 AM on January 1, 2012

Think_Long: "One of the few perks of being the evening's DD is getting up early the next morning to play video games with full volume, and then make it a point to empty the dishwasher with much clattering."

Oh. That was you?

Bastard.
posted by Sportbilly at 11:49 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

A homeopathic cocktail. One drop of vodka, fill glass with water. Pour out 95% of the glass, refill with water. After ten dilutions, you should be well under one part per trillion vodka. If homeopathy worked as advertised, you'd then have yourself a glass of anti-vodka.

It actually might do some good. A glass of water will rehydrate you, which is what you need most.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:03 PM on January 1, 2012 [6 favorites]

crayz: "Also, weed"

I smoked a bowl before bedtime. I felt great in the morning. For values of morning that are after noon.
posted by Splunge at 12:17 PM on January 1, 2012

Bubble & squeak did the trick this morning.
posted by unSane at 12:39 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

Huh, I always thought "bubble & squeak" was some kind of drink.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:55 PM on January 1, 2012

I thought it was a vigorous sex move.
posted by TheRedArmy at 1:19 PM on January 1, 2012

Nux Vomica
posted by seriousmoonlight at 1:26 PM on January 1, 2012

This is probably my first new years day in 15 years where I'm not hungover.

Anyway. My usual trick is one ibuprofen. The rest is caffeine, water, food, etc as required. Maybe a beer or Caesar in extreme cases.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:40 PM on January 1, 2012

blurgh.
posted by Space Kitty at 2:04 PM on January 1, 2012

It's a pity no-one ever told Shane MacGowan that the whole "Avoid Hangovers: Stay Drunk" thing was a joke and not actual advice.

True anecdote time: The wife and I once woke up hungover and she decided that it was imperative that we have biscuits and gravy. Fair enough, but there's not a good restaurant for such things within a reasonable distance so she was on her own to scare up said breakfast. Making the biscuits and gravy from scratch wasn't too insane. A lot more work than I was up for in our condition, but within the realm of possibility. What gets me is that she also had to churn the fucking butter!
posted by stet at 2:28 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I once cured a friend's hangover when I worked the coffee house, in about two minutes flat. (RIP Yab Yum). He showed up one morning, dragging his ass and groaning, head in hand. Sitting at the counter, he ordered a quadruple shot of espresso—what we liked to call the 'Colon Blow' as everyone who ordered it would shortly vanish into the bathroom. He looked like death warmed over after a hard night of drinking and god only knows what drugs. I grinned brightly at his request and said: "Sure thing! Anything else I can get you? Cup of mayonnaise and a spoon?"

I laughed a little maniacally at that and turned around to make the espresso. A minute later I catch sight out of the corner of my eye him beelining for the front door. Poor guy retched in the bushes outside.

"Couldn't get that image out of my mind," he said something along the lines of.

But after that and the espresso's well known side effects, he felt much better so I considered the evil/good factor on balance to be worth it.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 3:06 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

There really are only two solutions: 1) more alcohol the next morning, or 2) less alcohol the night before.
posted by caddis at 3:07 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

Okay, these fit the bill for alcohol-induced hangovers. But what about hangovers caused by, er, certain green substances that combust in the presence of flame? I'm talking about the hangovers that leave a thin film of fog on every neuron and synapse, making basic reasoning and any form of math impossible?

Is there a sure-fire way to vanquish the fog and jumper-start the brain during one of these?
posted by Gordion Knott at 3:36 PM on January 1, 2012

If only one could count on someone as cunning as your man Jeeves when saddled with a hangover:

"Excuse me, sir," he said gently.

Then he seemed to flicker, and wasn't there any longer. I heard him moving about in the kitchen, and presently he came back with a glass on a tray.

"If you would drink this, sir," he said, with a kind of bedside manner, rather like the royal doctor shooting the bracer into the sick prince. "It is a little preparation of my own invention. It is the Worcester Sauce that gives it its colour. The raw egg makes it nutritious. The red pepper gives it its bite. Gentlemen have told me they have found it extremely invigorating after a late evening."

I would have clutched at anything that looked like a lifeline that morning. I swallowed the stuff. For a moment I felt as if somebody had touched off a bomb inside the old bean and was strolling down my throat with a lighted torch, and then everything seemed suddenly to get all right. The sun shone in through the window; birds twittered in the tree-tops; and, generally speaking, hope dawned once more.

"You're engaged!" I said, as soon as I could say anything.

---From "Jeeves Takes Charge", by P.G. Wodehouse
posted by but no cigar at 3:43 PM on January 1, 2012 [5 favorites]

My cure: two large orders of salty french fries, one decent bong hit. Works every time.
posted by zardoz at 5:35 PM on January 1, 2012

Is there a sure-fire way to vanquish the fog and jumper-start the brain during one of these?

Coffee. Also (this will sound corny), do something productive the next day. You will feel like a genius.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 6:00 PM on January 1, 2012

Two Tylenol and a large glass of water before bedtime. Repeat the first time you wake up six hours or more later. Bolster with caffeine and a large plain bagel or similar, eaten sloooowly once you actually crawl out of bed. Maybe take another nap. Drink more water. Take a hot shower to get rid of the cigarette and booze smell in your hair/wash off the drunk sweat.

Spicy food and I have not been on speaking terms for years, sadly.
posted by emjaybee at 6:02 PM on January 1, 2012

Two Tylenol and a large glass of water before bedtime.

Do NOT do this. Tylenol is tough enough on your liver when you are sober, and when it is working overtime when you are drunk, you can do permanent damage to it. You can even die from it.

Aspirin or ibuprofen will work just as well. To repeat: NEVER take Tylenol in the context of drinking. (I've stopped using Tylenol altogether just to be sure).
posted by zardoz at 6:40 PM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

My prescription: try these things, in order, with about ten minutes inbetween. Stop when you feel like you could tackle putting together a flatpack desk with a reasonable chance at success. Water, aspirin, room temperature (but not flat, ideally) pilsner, 30 minutes walking, ginger ale (preferably Vernor's)bacon sandwich (vegetarians substitute tomatoes or avocado), bloody mary with pickle brine, oreo cream (save the cookies for later), nap, hot toddy (Mom's: double shot whiskey, lemon wedge, teaspon honey in coffee mug topped with hot water), eight hours sleep. If you still don't feel right, it is almost certainly the fault of Canterra Wine Company (manufacturers of Wild Irish Rose). You should have said something earlier, instead of wasting all that time yesterday! There's no help for you, so you'll just have to suffer.

Oh, you have to go to work? In like, ten minutes? You need the Fast Track™:

one nalgene bottle
three fingers of Irish Cream, any brand
one packet Carnation Instant Breakfast powder (vanilla preferred, so as not to upset the stomach with complex flavors)
three heaping teaspoons of instant coffee crystals
splash of orange juice or sprinkling of Tang powder
two crushed aspirin
Fill to top with milk and shake vigorously. Make this your friend until it is _finished_. Hasten that moment in whatever way you can. See if you can still find your beer bong. At lunch, have a big domestic beer and french fries with plenty of salt. After work, go immediately to bed.
posted by LiteOpera at 8:16 PM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

Fry all the things. Eat all the things. That and vegemite and cheese on wholegrain toast. Still working out how I can fry that without destroying the subtle flavour of the vegemite.
posted by Jilder at 9:30 PM on January 1, 2012

So what does it mean if, after a night of binge drinking, you don't wake up with a hangover the next morning? I very rarely get a hangover after a night of heavy drinking. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
posted by effwerd at 10:19 PM on January 1, 2012

5am the next day and I am just now starting to feel human. good god but I had a great night, followed by a horrible day. someone needs to start a 24 Pho delivery service for people like me. I would seriously pay $50 for a big bowl right now.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:14 AM on January 2, 2012

Watermelon. Lots of cold, wonderful watermelon.
posted by h00py at 7:11 AM on January 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm hungover from drinking with The Whelk right now.
posted by MrMoonPie at 7:57 AM on January 2, 2012

There is a beautiful recursion to it.
posted by The Whelk at 8:18 AM on January 2, 2012

It means that you are, even unknown to yourself, either a reptilian or a replicant.

*crosses fingers*

I hope I'm a reptilian; I could really use a planet.
posted by effwerd at 8:36 AM on January 2, 2012

h00py! That's mine too and my friends think I'm weird. I can't imagine how a greasy cheeseburger could help AT ALL but ice-cold watermelon is perfect. Fructose and water galore. I just want to rub it all over my face.
posted by robstercraw at 11:39 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is there a sure-fire way to vanquish the fog and jumper-start the brain during one of these?


Drink two shots of Black Blood Of The Earth and then run around the block as fast as you can, taking in great lungfulls of air. Everything will become tingly and bright.
posted by The Whelk at 12:29 PM on January 2, 2012

I always try to hit a Quickee Mart type place on the way home and generally force an energy drink and a bottle of Power Ade, followed by a duel mega multivitamin on getting home, followed by sweet delectable sleep...
posted by Samizdata at 1:56 PM on January 2, 2012

My suspicion is that people who try to mitigate the effect of their hangover the night before are probably also people who have a little more awareness w/r/t their actual alcohol intake, and are less likely to have stepped quite as far over the line as they've assumed.
posted by hermitosis at 3:08 PM on January 2, 2012

Truth, I rarely get hangovers anymore, cause I am aware of how much I'm drinking and take steps to mitigate that.

That or celts are immune to hangovers.
posted by The Whelk at 3:11 PM on January 2, 2012

I never used to get hangovers nor do I ever get a headache style hangover. I tend to drink a lot of water when I am drinking though which may help me out.

However, I now get a horrible stomachache that just doesn't go away no matter what I eat or drink. I found recently that antacids help somewhat, though it doesn't go away altogether. I might try the eggs and banana thing though, that might work.
posted by lizarrd at 8:39 PM on January 3, 2012