The Moose Cleanse

February 8, 2013 2:38 PM

Remember, it's not about "not eating" human food. It's about eating more pondweed.
posted by Tesseractive (31 comments total)

I love this and intend to foist it on all my friends who are otherwise critical thinkers, who dive headlong into whatever's the latest fad diet or dietary restriction. (Pass that gluten down my way, thanks.)
posted by scratch at 2:51 PM on February 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'd really like to try the moose cleanse, but I'm afraid I'd get into a rut.
posted by drlith at 2:53 PM on February 8, 2013 [18 favorites]

a heaping bowl of dust bunnies and floss I pulled out of the garbage can.

i am not a fat shamist but man are u eating for two?? skip the floss and u'll find your weight chakras aligning in no time. btw, i've just had a chai nasal douche and it REALLY makes you less hungry even if u dont pass out
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:56 PM on February 8, 2013 [13 favorites]

i'm favouriting this. consider it fanmail from some flounder.
posted by ecourbanist at 2:57 PM on February 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

i've just had a chai nasal douche

This is awkward because I often find myself waiting for the L train not far down the platform from chai nasal douche. If I see the two of you at a social event I'll plan to feign ignorance.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 3:00 PM on February 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

Does it involve biting sisters?
posted by blue_beetle at 3:02 PM on February 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

"Glossier antlers"
posted by windykites at 3:04 PM on February 8, 2013

i am not a fat shamist

I read this as fat shamanist (e.g. a shaman who deals with fats) and it still parsed fine.
posted by curious nu at 3:05 PM on February 8, 2013 [16 favorites]

posted by Greg Nog

Greg, I've seen your posts on here for years, but I think this is the first time I realized your username is a pun. And I realized it when I was going to make my own pun on it.

Well played. ;)

posted by Celsius1414 at 3:05 PM on February 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...
posted by iamabot at 3:26 PM on February 8, 2013 [7 favorites]

Oh yeah, this old chestnut. We called this the Northern Exposure Diet back in college, although as the author states it's technically a cleanse, not a diet. I had a roommate that was into this, and I'll tell you...there's a reason why moose are solitary creatures. A steady diet of pondweed and bark takes an olfactory toll on those around you. Showering doesn't help, either -- a wet moose still smells like a moose.
posted by mosk at 3:26 PM on February 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Winter is always a tough time to start a moose diet, as you may find yourself drawn to roadways, to lick salt that is used as a snow and ice melter.
posted by orme at 3:29 PM on February 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

Winter is always a tough time to start a moose diet, as you may find yourself drawn to roadways, to lick salt that is used as a snow and ice melter.
posted by orme at 3:29 PM on February 8 [+] [!]

I try it every year, but fermented crab apples still clinging to frosted branches get me every time. Those damn things are impossible to quit.
posted by Stagger Lee at 3:39 PM on February 8, 2013 [4 favorites]

You know how the human gut isn't adjusted to eating gluten? Well, do you know what human ancestor species were eating before they were eating things that don't have gluten? Pondweed. The moose cleanse just makes plain evolutionary sense.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 3:40 PM on February 8, 2013 [5 favorites]

I don't know, I'm a little skeptical. It sounds like the moose cleanse is great for getting rid of toxins, and I'm very encouraged to hear that pondweed is gluten-free, but how will I know whether the moose cleanse is right for me until I know whether it also prevents inflammation?
posted by strangely stunted trees at 3:41 PM on February 8, 2013 [5 favorites]

the best part of the Moose Cleanse? Alcohol is permitted!
posted by vespabelle at 3:45 PM on February 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

And of course, don't forget to hydrate. Sometimes people do forget, and then they die of dehydration. It's very sad and entirely avoidable. Write it down if you have to, but drink water every day. No exceptions, no excuses.

Revolutionary advice. I wonder if it will catch on.
posted by leftcoastbob at 3:55 PM on February 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...

A Møøse once bit my sister ...
posted by scalefree at 4:17 PM on February 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Bro, do you even graze?
posted by sourcequench at 4:32 PM on February 8, 2013 [4 favorites]

Okay, I'm really, really confused. Barth served some odd items to Moose and the gang, but I don't remember her chowing down on birch bark and pondweed. Were you supposed to eat the slime, maybe?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:47 PM on February 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Moose rarely journal.
posted by eustatic at 5:14 PM on February 8, 2013

"Because moose don't have upper front teeth, you'll want to make sure to avoid using yours whenever possible in order to extract the maximum possible benefits from your food. Instead, the moose has a very sensitive prehensile lip that helps them grab hard-to-reach plants and distinguish between twigs and shoots. You'll want to do the same."

Oh man, this is golden. I'm laughing my weird nubbin moose tail off and sending it to everyone I know who has ever seen a moose. Or gone on a cleanse.
posted by Grandysaur at 5:25 PM on February 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh come on. Clearly, this author is just a shill for the pondweed and birch farmers! There's nothing in here about the potential dangers associated with the Moose Cleanse, or even the fact that scientific evaluation has been done by Anti-Moose diet groups to show that it contains far too much plant matter.

Everyone knows eating plants is dangerous! Plants have evolved for millions of years to generate toxins to prevent themselves from being eaten by animals. Thus, every time you eat a plant, you're ingesting those toxins. Let alone the chlorophyll! We don't even understand how chlorophyll works chemically - how could you even think to eat something that isn't even completely understood in terms of how it might react with your body chemistry!

Of course, meat is just as bad, because these animals eat nothing but plants or other animals, which builds up concentrations of toxins in the tissues!

I've been living off a synthetic food developed by a group of nutrition scientists in the 1960s that is composed of nothing but pure nutrients and water! Notice that this pure, toxin free food has been kept off the market and given a bad image by modern "medical" doctors and historical accounts of its tests.

Sure, it tastes pretty bland, but that is healthy for your tongue as it needs a rest from tasting things, and prevents any possibility of upsetting you with unpleasant tastes in your food.
posted by strixus at 6:01 PM on February 8, 2013 [6 favorites]

I am intrigued, but I need to do further research as this may conflict with my current nutritional lifestyle choice.



I must consult my physician plumber.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:15 PM on February 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

I prefer the mousse cleanse.
posted by nathancaswell at 6:27 PM on February 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

A Supple And Wise Douglas Fir

That's what I will name my next child. Or dog. All 6 of those words.
posted by surplus at 7:24 PM on February 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

i am not a fat shamist

I read this as fat shamanist (e.g. a shaman who deals with fats) and it still parsed fine.

That's okay, I read it as "Fat Satanist" and it parsed fine for me, too. Seriously, we're talking about a third of my friends here.
posted by KingEdRa at 9:04 PM on February 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

This is why I only eat shit.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:11 PM on February 8, 2013

Now the part everyone seems to want to talk about. Black flies.

Really, this potential drawback is not to be underestimated, particularly if your work requires you to be in the public eye. I'm not sure what the organizers of that regional sales conference were hoping for from their keynote, but let's just say we were all lucky there was Calamine lotion in the swag bags.
posted by gompa at 10:19 PM on February 8, 2013

I've eaten a lot of moose meat in my time (it's splendid), but I never considered Delving to the Eternal Source of Moosiness.

I'm in!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:04 AM on February 10, 2013

BTW 'eaten a lot of moose' is [NOT CODE]
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:49 AM on February 10, 2013