I'm Gonna Dip Sulu's Balls In It

June 15, 2013 9:52 AM

What do you do with 55 gallons of lube? George Takei knows. Scroll down for his scintillating review.
posted by DecemberBoy (57 comments total)

"Now, how to spray the lube on the excited on-lookers? Why, by water pump gun, of course. To test out our delivery mechanism, we purchased a drum for our back yard and set up a slip and slide. I had Brad charge toward me down the slide, and I fired at will. It helped to imagine he was a Klingon Bird of Prey: Target that explosion and FIRE."
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:52 AM on June 15, 2013

'How I Became Amazon's Pitchman For A 55-Gallon Drum Of Personal Lubricant'
posted by cjorgensen at 9:55 AM on June 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

Oh my God, it gets even better. Why? WHY is there a 55 gallon drum of lube?
posted by DecemberBoy at 9:58 AM on June 15, 2013

It is more than OK to be George Takei.
posted by jaduncan at 9:59 AM on June 15, 2013 [7 favorites]

Target that explosion and fire!
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:02 AM on June 15, 2013 [5 favorites]

Good grief, a $1263 item on Amazon and they use an poorly Photoshopped version of the product?
posted by crapmatic at 10:04 AM on June 15, 2013

Not to be anti-Takei, but the review from the Fertility Specialist for Pachyderms is funnier.
posted by Nelson at 10:08 AM on June 15, 2013 [3 favorites]

That lube is one of my favorite Amazon items, ever. I brought it up on the blue a few months ago, actually.
posted by yellowcandy at 10:09 AM on June 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Is the lube pump Amazon Primed?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:13 AM on June 15, 2013 [6 favorites]

Ain't no lube "pump" with a 55 gallon drum. More of a lube "torrent".
posted by DecemberBoy at 10:17 AM on June 15, 2013

Surfin' safari on a torrent of lube 'til her daddy takes her T-bird awayyyyyy
posted by DecemberBoy at 10:18 AM on June 15, 2013

Reminds me, I was watching a guy talk about guns on Youtube, he had his gunsmithing bench right there, he was talking about changing trigger pulls or something, and I noticed a bottle of gun oil on his bench. I am not sure if it has a function outside of interpersonal utility, maybe it does. Maybe this guy beats off at his reloading arbor.
posted by Teakettle at 10:18 AM on June 15, 2013

Some times you need a loudspeaker, a Barry White CD and a 55 Gallon drum of Lube.


I lolled.
posted by MartinWisse at 10:28 AM on June 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

There should be a "Lube Refill and Wrestling Dome" camp at that thing in the desert.
Or if you'd a camp for wrestling in jello you could call it That Thing in the Dessert.
posted by jeffburdges at 10:34 AM on June 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

...I noticed a bottle of gun oil on his bench. I am not sure if it has a function outside of interpersonal utility...

It has an interpersonal utility? (Googles) Uh oh, I think I've been doing it wrong.
posted by 445supermag at 10:35 AM on June 15, 2013

Gun Oil is a great lube, though, for human use.

As for why 55 gallons, all I can think of is large scale "Therapy" or maybe "Re-bottling and reselling." Or there was those two Ask Mes where a person asks about covering an air mattress in lots of lube for really slippery sex.
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:37 AM on June 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

Do you want to know how hard I worked not to let the curser get anywhere near that "buy now with 1 click" button.....
posted by HuronBob at 10:44 AM on June 15, 2013 [4 favorites]

Also, was this featured on Worst Things for Sale or something? As that's an eclectic mix of product recommendations, Amazon.

I like to imagine a story around the customers those are built around. This morning, I looked for some hardware to fix a bad dresser drawer track, and saw that Sanka coffee crystals were recommended, and I thought of a nice old master craftsman, who is watching his caffeine intake as he gets older.

These items, I just picture a Home Shopping Network addict who also hoards and who is probably a bit unhinged, as well, seeing as to how they have a circumcision simulator kit.
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:44 AM on June 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Also, it comes from Endless Custom Parts, which means this is but one component of a grand machine.
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:45 AM on June 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed...
posted by homunculus at 10:51 AM on June 15, 2013 [3 favorites]

One more on the list of 'Reasons Why I Love Metafilter'.
posted by a halcyon day at 10:52 AM on June 15, 2013

I can't wait or the emails from Amazon now that I've clicked on the Porn Valley-sized lube barrel. Maybe they'll give me a deal on buying 2800+ bottles of little bottles of Astroglide.
posted by birdherder at 11:00 AM on June 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Customers who viewed this item also viewed ...

and a Large, Gender-Neutral Asian.

Whatever party these guys are throwing, I want an invite.
posted by bibliowench at 11:00 AM on June 15, 2013 [5 favorites]

I'm surprised by the high price. It would be cheaper if they sold it in bulk. I'll wait until they release a three pack.

hm.
posted by Glibpaxman at 11:06 AM on June 15, 2013

I'm sorry if this is considered self linking
posted by DecemberBoy at 11:18 AM on June 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

Kink.com uses 55 gallon drums of personal lubricant, though I don't know if it's this brand. Apparently that's one of the highlights of the Armory Tour which I will hopefully be taking when I get back to San Francisco later this year.
posted by localroger at 12:14 PM on June 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Thank god for this product. Do you know how embarrasing it is to buy 55 gallons of lube at Rite Aid? Now I can have it discreetly delivered to my home by a discreet freight service.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 12:18 PM on June 15, 2013

Now I can have it discreetly delivered to my home by a discreet freight service.

"Of course, it's company policy never to imply ownership. We have to use the indefinite article, "a consignment", never … your consignment."
posted by jaduncan at 12:24 PM on June 15, 2013 [3 favorites]

So, there's a thing I guess is a sex club in the adjoining neighborhood. It has lots of little alcoves and rooms and areas one might call semi-public (in the context of the club premises, not the surrounding environs) fuck zones.

I can certainly see it having a use for all sorts of bulk sex stuff, same as a burger joint putting out ketchup and mustard in reusable containers, or a Chinese restaurant with the reusable Kikkoman pourers. Just, you know, like reusable hand soap dispensers.

*splort splort*

Then at the end of the night wipe 'em down or dunk 'em in ... Something?

Or single-serve throwaway bottles you sell at the snack bar?
posted by mph at 12:25 PM on June 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Reminds me, I was watching a guy talk about guns on Youtube, he had his gunsmithing bench right there, he was talking about changing trigger pulls or something, and I noticed a bottle of gun oil on his bench. I am not sure if it has a function outside of interpersonal utility, maybe it does. Maybe this guy beats off at his reloading arbor.

"Gun jammed. 2/5"
posted by jaduncan at 12:28 PM on June 15, 2013

mph, somehow I knew you were in Portland.
posted by no relation at 12:56 PM on June 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

I love that someone told me about this today over brunch, and I came on metafilter and here it is. Metafilter, why are you so quick? It's nothing to be ashamed about. It's perfectly normal. I'm sure a lot of other websites do it too.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 1:08 PM on June 15, 2013

WHY is there a 55 gallon drum of lube?
And why can't I get it at my local Costco?
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:45 PM on June 15, 2013 [4 favorites]

Perhaps worth mentioning, it is not as surprising to see personal lube packed in 55-gallon drums as it is to see those drums in a retail channel like Amazon.

Nearly everything you think of as being sold in little bottles or tubes starts off in drums or larger carriers like rail cars or silos. Drums and supersacks (4 x 4 x 6 foot cloth sacks used for powdered solids) are shipped on pallets for industrial delivery when full tankers are a bit too big. (There are larger liquid containers, similar to the liquid equivalent of supersacks that are pallet sized, but they're much more expensive and less frequently seen than drums.)

Things like ketchup, lube, and olive oil end up in drums because the facilities that make and purify them usually don't also do retail packaging, which is a much different industrial affair. I have worked on the scales that are used to fill drums with Monsanto's Roundup weed killer (non-diluted full strength). The manufacturing plant doesn't put the stuff in the cute bottles you see on their retail ads, so the stuff has to be shipped to the bottling plants that do. Each drum is worth around $50,000.

You would probably not be able to receive your shipment of lube in a residential neighborhood, and you'd find that the shipping charges are nontrivial -- probably a few hundred dollars -- if you can receive it at all. You'd also need a forklift or a loading dock and pallet jack to handle it.
posted by localroger at 2:01 PM on June 15, 2013 [5 favorites]

DecemberBoy: "Oh my God, it gets even better. Why? WHY is there a 55 gallon drum of lube?"

Why not?
posted by Splunge at 2:10 PM on June 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

localroger: "Perhaps worth mentioning, it is not as surprising to see personal lube packed in 55-gallon drums as it is to see those drums in a retail channel like Amazon."

I totally agree, but I have to say - at that level, it's not really "personal" lube anymore, is it? It's more like... social lube. Maybe public lube.
posted by koeselitz at 3:10 PM on June 15, 2013 [7 favorites]

A friend of mine once offered me one of these that was maybe a tenth full. Unfortunately, I was at his place picking up an order of feed and didn't have room in the truck for it. In retrospect, I should have just made another trip so that I could embrace the identity of "Guy Who Has A 55-gallon Drum Of Lube." That would be a cool identity, probably. The identity of "Guy Who Accepted A Mostly Emptied Drum Of Lube From A Guy Who Couldn't Really Explain Why He Had It" would be less cool.

When I got home my wife asked how my trip went and I said, "Oh fine, Harleybob tried to give me a nearly emptied barrel of lube."

"Why would be want that?"

"Food grade."

"Oh yeah, good point. Why didn't you take it?"

"No room in the truck."

"Bummer."

And that's the story of how I let an industrial-sized barrel of lube slip through my fingers.

This story, BTW, is literally and entirely true.
posted by stet at 3:28 PM on June 15, 2013 [11 favorites]

And that's the story of how I let an industrial-sized barrel of lube slip through my fingers.

I see what you did there.
posted by localroger at 3:38 PM on June 15, 2013 [4 favorites]

this thread is best thread for sick day. many thank yous.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 4:23 PM on June 15, 2013

"Oh fine, Harleybob tried to give me a nearly emptied barrel of lube."

Yes, my name is bob, yes, I have a Harley... If it enhances my reputation in any way for you to picture me as you read that story, please feel free to do so.
posted by HuronBob at 5:21 PM on June 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

And that's the story of how I let an industrial-sized barrel of lube slip through my fingers.

How big are your fingers? My imaging mechanism is throwing an error code on this....
posted by HuronBob at 5:23 PM on June 15, 2013

KHAAAAAAAN! oooo, khan!
posted by not_on_display at 6:12 PM on June 15, 2013

"Food grade."

I technically know the reason for "Food grade", but in my tired state, all i can picture is them trying to force huge chunks of steak or other food down without chewing, so they dip it in the lube first. O_o
posted by usagizero at 8:51 PM on June 15, 2013

You can get smaller containers at Home Depot. With a name like "Cable Pull" they're not foolin anyone.
posted by boilermonster at 8:53 PM on June 15, 2013

Yes, my name is bob, yes, I have a Harley... If it enhances my reputation in any way for you to picture me as you read that story, please feel free to do so.

It does make you look slick.
posted by zippy at 10:08 PM on June 15, 2013

oneswellfoop: WHY is there a 55 gallon drum of lube?
And why can't I get it at my local Costco?

You can, but you have to buy a whole case of them.
posted by IAmBroom at 2:39 AM on June 16, 2013

There is an awesome answer in an ask mefi thread mccarty.tim linked :

J-Lube Powder : A concentrated powder that dissolves easily in water. This effective obstetrical lubricant is completely inert and non-irritating. [One $12] 10 oz bottle makes 6-8 gallons of lubricant.
posted by jeffburdges at 5:55 AM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

You would probably not be able to receive your shipment of lube in a residential neighborhood, and you'd find that the shipping charges are nontrivial -- probably a few hundred dollars -- if you can receive it at all. You'd also need a forklift or a loading dock and pallet jack to handle it.

Or specify inside delivery & lay out delivery dock restrictions ...
posted by tilde at 6:29 AM on June 16, 2013

Or specify inside delivery

Most general purpose freight companies do not offer inside delivery. That's a specialty for furniture because it's often sent to non-industrial destinations, and furniture is very light compared to other similar sized freight. They typically use light duty box trucks with hydraulic lifts mounted on them; neither the trucks nor the lifts can handle normal density freight.
posted by localroger at 6:33 AM on June 16, 2013

And food service industry.
posted by tilde at 2:01 PM on June 16, 2013

And food service industry.

Yes, for finished product distribution. You won't find many carriers that will pick up from Amazon and bring a 55 gallon drum to your residential doorstep though.

Have been working with a company that does this kind of shipping for 30 years, and have had plenty of things sent to the shop instead of my house for exactly this reason.
posted by localroger at 6:30 PM on June 16, 2013

Or specify inside delivery

Isn't that after you get... I mean... how could you...

::Norman co-ordinate::

ZZZZT
posted by Splunge at 8:04 PM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

Residential! Doh, forgot that caveat ...
posted by tilde at 10:29 PM on June 16, 2013

Save $1015.40 oh yeah!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 5:27 AM on June 17, 2013

Corporate team building exercises would be more fun if they used this.
posted by stormpooper at 7:30 AM on June 17, 2013

I had Brad charge toward me down the slide, and I fired at will. It helped to imagine he was a Klingon Bird of Prey: Target that explosion and FIRE. What I didn't expect was that Brad's forward momentum would cause him to crash into me, upending the entire drum along with us. Utter chaos.

All I can think about is how horrible this could have turned out. Had he died, his gay ghost would never live this down.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 7:32 AM on June 17, 2013

stormpooper: "Corporate team building exercises would be more fun if they used this."

So would billing departments. They could get a bulk discount, too.
posted by Splunge at 4:55 PM on June 18, 2013