Wave your arms to let the animal know you are human.

July 12, 2013 10:10 AM

How to protect yourself if you come across a curious bear.
posted by dirtdirt (73 comments total)

The Kids in the Hall had some excellent advice on this topic.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 10:15 AM on July 12, 2013 [7 favorites]

Wrong. We would have accepted .300 Win Mag or greater as an answer. Or bear spray. Or both.

I'm glad "stay calm" is included as advice.
posted by craven_morhead at 10:16 AM on July 12, 2013

And, above all, stay calm. Right. Got it.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 10:16 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

Out-run your hunting partner.
posted by DU at 10:17 AM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]

That eye thing was ferocious. She has a future in Bollywood.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 10:18 AM on July 12, 2013 [11 favorites]

This is great -- does anyone remember a similarly campy news report that made the rounds a few years ago where they dramatized a bear attack or sighting in a residential neighborhood or something using a cardboard bear (I think? Or maybe a guy in a bear suit?). I have a very strong but vague memory of this.
posted by eugenen at 10:21 AM on July 12, 2013

Wait, a "massive, 300 lb" bear? I could take him.
posted by DU at 10:22 AM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]

does anyone remember a similarly campy news report that made the rounds a few years ago where they dramatized a bear attack or sighting in a residential neighborhood or something using a cardboard bear


No, but our friends at the Tokyo Zoo have some very helpful advice on what to do if you encounter a berserk rhino.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:25 AM on July 12, 2013 [4 favorites]

Again, AGAIN I get for to make with the joke: (clears throat)

That is the worst thing I've ever heard ursine.
posted by hal9k at 10:26 AM on July 12, 2013 [7 favorites]

....does anyone remember a similarly campy news report that made the rounds a few years ago where they dramatized a bear attack or sighting in a residential neighborhood...

"This is what the bear probably looked like...except real.."
posted by prinado at 10:26 AM on July 12, 2013 [11 favorites]

"Wave your arms to let the animal know you are human."

Why would I want to let the bear know I'm chewy on the outside, crunch on the inside?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:27 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

So bears understand the difference between humans and other animals, but don't recognize you as human until you wave your arms? Of course this all presupposes that knowing you are human won't make them more likely to attack. They may have gotten a taste for human blood, "Wasn't really hungry, but can't pass up human"
posted by Ad hominem at 10:28 AM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

Coincidentally this also works for inlaws, door to door sales people, and toddlers.
posted by iamabot at 10:31 AM on July 12, 2013 [10 favorites]

Never mind that video. You need to understand what kind of bear you're up against. Playing dead is recommended with grizzlies and brown bears, but not with black bears or polar bears. Details. (Also has advice for dealing with sloth bears, spectacled bears, sun bears and giant pandas.) Way better video embedded on that page. Good luck.
posted by beagle at 10:34 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Wave your arms to let the animal know you are human."

Wouldn't the screaming give it away first?
posted by orme at 10:35 AM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

Playing dead is like a rumor that bears spread.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:37 AM on July 12, 2013 [5 favorites]

Also has advice for dealing with sloth bears, spectacled bears, sun bears

I... seriously?
posted by eugenen at 10:38 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wouldn't the screaming give it away first?

you could still be a goat
posted by Ad hominem at 10:38 AM on July 12, 2013

I Am Curious (Bear)
posted by Legomancer at 10:40 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

Here's the things I've done when I've encountered bears.

Bear in the bushes outside the movie theatre.

Friend: That's a really big dog in there.
Me after peering.: Um no I think that's a bear.
Other friend.: Get out. A bear wouldn't.....
Bear walks in front of us, across the steps and ambled into a stand of trees.
"Well shit. That one sure has no worries..."

Tree Planting. Walking along a path. Rounding a corner and meeting a bear coming my direction.

Me and Bear: Shit
Me in my head, "Aw crap. Fuck this. Okay do I have any food in my bags? If so I gotta drop them. No I don't okay.
Bear .....
Me .....
Bear .....
Me .....
Bear ......
Me in my head, "Okay this is not going to work. I gotta do something. Alright here's the plan I'm gonna move slowly and start to back away..." I move my arm...
Bear: 'Ah! It moved. I'm outta here.' Bear turns and runs the way it came. I turn and do the same.

Tree Planting: In an area off by myself. It's like a key hole field of tall grass, surrounded by the forest with big piles of logs/slash in the middle.
Me: Planting along minding my own business when I see a small animal. Oh I wonder what that is? Oh shit it's a bear cub!! Okay where's Mom. Mamma bears and cubs are bad news. Can't see Mom. Oh shit there are two cubs. WHERE THE HELL IS MOM? I start to slowly and cautiously make my way to the place I can get out of this block...when...duh duh duh dum... there's Mom....
between me I my exit and I between her and her cubs. Not a good situation here Jalliah.
Okay stay calm. Momma you stay calm too.

Mamma Bear: Looks...

Me in my head: Okay Momma I'm just going to go sideways and climb up as high as I can get on this big pile of logs. I'm sending you vibes that I mean no harm. I climb.
Mamma rejoins her cubs. None of them even act like I'm there. I then spend the next two hours sitting on that pile of logs as Momma and cubs wander around foraging. I swear they were laughing at me.


Staying over at a friends house:

Friend and as far as I knew several roommates went to work. I'm sitting reading on the couch. I hear someone rustling in the kitchen. Oh I guess someone is home after all. I'll just get up and go say hi...OMG THERE IS A BEAR IN THE KITCHEN. WTF!.
I turn away and make a beeline back to the living room while thinking to myself, 'now who the heck do you call when you have a bear in the house?" I end up going onto the deck where I could move to peek through the window. I see the bear is gone. Phew. It must have took off when I did. I go back inside and notice the bathroom window is open. I figure that's where it came home.
My friend comes home. I tell them a bear came into the kitchen through the bathroom window.
Friend: Again? Fuck we keep telling everyone to keep that window closed.

Here ends a few of the tales with me and bears.
posted by Jalliah at 10:40 AM on July 12, 2013 [184 favorites]

What if it's hairy gay bears, do you still wave your arms?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:40 AM on July 12, 2013

NOTE: They neglected to mention this advice will not work with drop bears. The only strategy for dealing with a drop bear is to stand inside a hoop snake.
posted by iamabot at 10:43 AM on July 12, 2013 [11 favorites]

Do I scream and throw things at the bear before or after I'm staying calm?
posted by marxchivist at 10:44 AM on July 12, 2013

My friend comes home. I tell them a bear came into the kitchen through the bathroom window.
Friend: Again? Fuck we keep telling everyone to keep that window closed.

what
posted by Aizkolari at 10:44 AM on July 12, 2013 [5 favorites]

I....seriously?

Seriously.
posted by beagle at 10:46 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

I was more expressing surprise that that thing exists on earth than that it might attack somebody.
posted by eugenen at 10:49 AM on July 12, 2013

Note to self: do not go anywhere, at all, ever with Jalliah (aka The Bear Magnet).
posted by yoink at 10:58 AM on July 12, 2013 [12 favorites]

Here's a safety tip: Always hike wearing a bear suit. You can just wave at any real bears you see and they'll think, "Do I know that guy?" If it's mating season, point to your head and mime like you have a headache.
posted by orme at 10:59 AM on July 12, 2013 [31 favorites]

What if it's hairy gay bears, do you still wave your arms?

Only on retro-70s nights.
posted by bonehead at 11:02 AM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]

Note to self: do not go anywhere, at all, ever with Jalliah (aka The Bear Magnet).

A bear came into my yard just last week. My dogs went crazy and it ran up a tree.
Would you like to come over for dinner some time?
posted by Jalliah at 11:05 AM on July 12, 2013 [4 favorites]

We get bears on a weekly basis. I was taking pics of a cub in a tree with mama bear sitting underneath—aww! I was 75' away when mama snorted and smacked the ground towards me. I did not back away slowly, wave my arms or throw my shoe. All that bear saw was ass and elbows as I parkoured (first time) over the railing and in the house.
posted by I'm Doing the Dishes at 11:07 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

Sometimes you eat the bar...sometimes the bar eats you
posted by pappy at 11:07 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

What if it's hairy gay bears, do you still wave your arms?

Yes, in the air.

Like you just don't care.
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:08 AM on July 12, 2013 [20 favorites]

My father in law hand feeds black bears honey from a (bear-shaped, obviously) bottle. We have photographic evidence.

I think he's insane but apparently norther New Hampshire is, well, live free or die trying to feed bears.
posted by lydhre at 11:26 AM on July 12, 2013 [4 favorites]

Tree Planting.

ah yes, tree planting. Ground zero for Close Encounters Of The Bear Kind.

Most memorably- 5 of us standing around a truck hopelessly honking the horn and yelling to scare off a massive black bear. Bear did not give a fuck. He/she proceeded to climb on top of a bunch of tree boxes and dance, crush/fling as many seedlings as possible, sit down to serve itself a buffet of three lunches, and then take one girl's iPod for dessert back home I guess. That girl was pissed, to say the least.
posted by mannequito at 11:31 AM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]

Dasein: Following the advice in that video could get you killed. If you're attacked by a black bear, playing dead will get you eaten. Black bears feed on carrion.

Bears are smart enough to know the difference between carrion and a human who just laid down on the ground. What's your hypothetical alternative? They can outrun, outclimb, outswim, and outfight any human on the plenet.

The reality is: you're not trying to convince them you're dead, you're actively presenting no threat whatsoever. Even looking a predator in the eyes is a form of challenge; thus the effectiveness of "playing dead".

Presenting no threat whatsoever, and not running (which can trigger their prey-chase instincts), while counterintuitive to our fear reflexes (and much ridiculed by the macho set), is one of the best possible actions for a bear that doesn't retreat upon seeing you.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:36 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

A bear came into my yard just last week. My dogs went crazy and it ran up a tree.
Would you like to come over for dinner some time?

Hmmm, not sure how to interpret this.

You invited the bear for dinner. If I come over, once I enter your yard, will your dogs chase me up a tree?

The bear was chased up a tree and still remains in the tree. Will the bear drop on my head while your crazy dogs are barking at me?

You disposed of the bear in the tree. Will we be having bear for dinner?

Thank you for your dinner invitation. Your yard sounds lovely and shady. I'm sure your dogs are friendly, as is your bear. I believe I will be eating left-over pizza tonight. Maybe some other time.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:06 PM on July 12, 2013 [7 favorites]

What if it's hairy gay bears, do you still wave your arms?

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:23 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

Here's a safety tip: Always hike wearing a bear suit. You can just wave at any real bears you see and they'll think, "Do I know that guy?" If it's mating season, point to your head and mime like you have a headache.

Warning: Bears are cannibals.

So maybe bring a whistle or something.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:28 PM on July 12, 2013

No way, IAmBroom. I am forever scarred from reading a book (think it was called The Bear's Embrace) several years ago while I was recovering from a bad bone break and high as a kite on painkillers.

The woman attacked by a bear in the book described the sounds made as a bear is chewing on your skull. VERY descriptively. I would not be willing to give a bear the chance to chew on my head, I'd rather go down fighting.

I will punch a bear in the junk to not have to hear it making me a chew toy.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 12:43 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter: I will punch a bear in the junk
posted by Mister Moofoo at 1:00 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

I have found in the case of black bears in the Great Smoky Mountain National Park and nearby Cherokee National Forest that bears are pretty mellow.

Ripping off Jalliah...

Me: Happily cooking a hot dog, in my campground, la la la.
Bear: La la la, walking around just chilling, "Oh look, there's a fire! And Hotdogs!"
Me: Oh shit! A Bear!! Must do something, "Hey there Mr. Bear."
Bear: SHIIIT! She knows my name. Must flee!!! Runs away like a crazy bear.


Me: Walking through woods, la la la. Oops, there's a bear.
Bear: Walking through woods, la la la. Oops, there's a person!
Me and Bear: Shit!
Bear: I'm just gonna walk away, it's my woods, but I'm walking away because I saw that guy who made all those silly Charmin commercials and I've got a score to settle.
Me: I'm just gonna stand here quietly and when I get home I have terse email to write to that guy who came up with those silly Charmin commercials.

Bear: rummaging in trash can next to campground....mmm....cheetos.
Me: going to the "bathroom" in the middle of the night....is that a bear? Oh yup. Ok.
Bear: mmm.....sandwiches...
Me: looks at sign on side of trashcan "BEAR PROOF".
Bear: snicker.
posted by teleri025 at 1:01 PM on July 12, 2013 [6 favorites]

What you do also depends on the type of bear.

I remember the joke they used to tell hikers in Glacier park. "Bears will typically avoid humans, so wear small bells that make a noise as you walk, so they can hear you and get away. If a brown bear is going after your camp food, wave your arms and yell or bang a pan and it will usually run off. Don't EVER do this with a grizzly bear. You can tell if grizzly bears are in the area from their scat (poop)." "How do I know if it is grizzly bear poop?"

"If you shake it you can hear the sound of small bells."
posted by eye of newt at 1:14 PM on July 12, 2013 [18 favorites]

Ok so what do I do here.
posted by Coda at 1:20 PM on July 12, 2013

Me: looks at sign on side of trashcan "BEAR PROOF".

Oh, I think it proved the presence of that bear pretty damned well. What's your beef?
posted by yoink at 1:25 PM on July 12, 2013 [10 favorites]

A female friend and a female friend of hers were camping in New Hampshire. They were sleeping outdoors in sleeping bags. My friend was woken up by a noise, turned over, and saw a bear standing on all fours right over her friend. "Oh shit," she thought. Suddenly up flew a fist that nailed the bear right in the nose. The bear reared up and ran away. From that time on when her friend had problems with her kids she reminded them that she beat up a bear.
posted by njohnson23 at 1:28 PM on July 12, 2013 [19 favorites]

If the bear does start to eat you, try to get it to eat you all in one piece, and then cut yourself out from inside with a chainsaw.
posted by jbickers at 1:32 PM on July 12, 2013 [11 favorites]

and then cut yourself out from inside with a chainsaw.

Bearnado.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:44 PM on July 12, 2013 [6 favorites]

I haven't laughed this hard at a thread in a long time. Thanks, everyone.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 1:57 PM on July 12, 2013

I'd sort of like the original news report to be scored with this song.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:02 PM on July 12, 2013

This has been making the rounds amongst my friends: Bear Climbs Tree to Investigate Hunter.
posted by workerant at 2:05 PM on July 12, 2013 [10 favorites]

Thanks to Bill Bryson's Walk in the Woods I read Bear Attacks. it taught me some useful facts:
-Playing dead is a bad idea if your bear is attacking you to eat you.
-You can scare off a bear eating you with a helicopter.
-Never go into the woods ever.
posted by squinty at 2:26 PM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]

Actually as I recall, traditional advice is to bring a straight razor and pray. And if the Lord won't help you, for goodness sake, he better not help that b'ar.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 2:32 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

Ghostride The Whip: so what you're saying is, shaved bears are harmless
posted by irrelephant at 2:41 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

This has been making the rounds amongst my friends: Bear Climbs Tree to Investigate Hunter .

That is simultaneously terrifying and funny. The bear is like "sup bro, why is everyone in this tree, anything good up here? Nah this tree sucks. Bear out"
posted by Ad hominem at 2:45 PM on July 12, 2013 [5 favorites]

The reason why you try to fight off a black bear instead of playing dead is that when black bears do attack, it is often predatory. Black bears rarely attack to defend food or young.

Brown/grizzly bears are more aggressive than black bears and often attack in defense of a food stash, its young, or when surprised. When a brown bear/grizzly attacks the best thing to do is to play dead so you are no longer a threat. In the unlikely event that it begins to eat you, then you fight back.

Also, grizzlies and brown bears are the same species. However, brown bears are larger coastal bears. Grizzlies are smaller inland bears.
posted by Beardsley Klamm at 2:54 PM on July 12, 2013

This may be too classic of an internet question to even be asked but can a handgun really stop a grizzly bear?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:59 PM on July 12, 2013

There's actually quite a bit of literature out there comparing the efficacy of pepper spray to firearms. Attacks often happen within seconds, so my opinion is that your odds might be more favorable by blasting a cloud of pepper spray versus trying to squeeze off a well placed round. If you have time to anticipate an attack from a significant distance a firearm might be more effective than pepper spray. Of course either option is dependent on the individual not shitting oneself and then fainting.
posted by Beardsley Klamm at 3:11 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

Plus bonus polar bear fur and meat, which you don't get with bear spray. ;)

This presumes you're in some lawless locale. Polar bears are on the US endangered species list which means you can't lawfully possess their parts even if you legally take them in Canada. Most places with regulated hunting usually have a prohibition against unpermitted (non-licensed, off-tag, out-of-regs) takes no matter the cause, though there are a few state-level exceptions for roadkill.

You out far enough in the sticks you'd be fine: just don't wear that new coat to town.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 3:27 PM on July 12, 2013

Read Bear Attacks: Their Cause and Avoidance. It'll help cure you of your .357 and bear spray fantasies. Unless you're damn lucky, those things just antagonize the bear.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:33 PM on July 12, 2013

Sigh. I'm not talking about exceptionally experienced hunters. But I don't care to have this argument. Read the three-inch thick tome discussing every documented bear attack in the past century, then tell the city kids to carry a gun or spray. Wish them good luck with that. They'll need it.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:42 PM on July 12, 2013

Christ jesus, way to abuse the edit window, dude.

Peace 2u2, out.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:42 PM on July 12, 2013

My sole point is that a gun is not a sure way to stop a bear, that there are numerous documented attacks in which a gun was of no help at all, ditto spray, and that reading BA:TCAA should be quite enlightening to those venturing off into the wilderness. The more you know, the safer you'll be.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:48 PM on July 12, 2013

Yeah something else to be aware of is if it comes down to you and a bear, you need to be careful because some of them know karate. They're also terrible at surgery, if that comes up.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:04 PM on July 12, 2013 [4 favorites]

I heard they passed med school… barely.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:41 PM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]

eye of newt: "If you shake it you can hear the sound of small bells."

Tshirt version of this joke.
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 12:25 AM on July 13, 2013

DU: "Out-run your hunting partner."

who is standing there being calm.
posted by Samizdata at 12:20 AM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

mannequito: "Tree Planting.

ah yes, tree planting. Ground zero for Close Encounters Of The Bear Kind.

Most memorably- 5 of us standing around a truck hopelessly honking the horn and yelling to scare off a massive black bear. Bear did not give a fuck. He/she proceeded to climb on top of a bunch of tree boxes and dance, crush/fling as many seedlings as possible, sit down to serve itself a buffet of three lunches, and then take one girl's iPod for dessert back home I guess. That girl was pissed, to say the least."

Bear damage isn't covered under AppleCare?

Weak.
posted by Samizdata at 12:34 AM on July 14, 2013

bitter-girl.com: "No way, IAmBroom. I am forever scarred from reading a book (think it was called The Bear's Embrace) several years ago while I was recovering from a bad bone break and high as a kite on painkillers.

The woman attacked by a bear in the book described the sounds made as a bear is chewing on your skull. VERY descriptively. I would not be willing to give a bear the chance to chew on my head, I'd rather go down fighting.

I will punch a bear in the junk to not have to hear it making me a chew toy."

Instructional diagram.
posted by Samizdata at 12:36 AM on July 14, 2013

Samizdata: Bear damage isn't covered under AppleCare?

Weak."

sure, just go get it back for her!

Drive up to Mackenzie, BC, head about 86km North on the Connector Loop (make sure not to get smashed to small shit by the logging trucks and crazy foreign workers moving large pieces of steel to build the mine), turn left on That Other Logging Road, drive another 45km, turn onto That Other Other Logging Road, drive to the end, walk through the clear cut, and follow the dark evil bear path that trails down into the woods.

Thhhhhanks!
posted by mannequito at 2:44 AM on July 14, 2013

If you encounter a polar bear, keep these tips in mind:

-Good luck. Polar bears are the biggest bears on Earth, and they're much harder to scare than brown or black bears. The best strategy is to avoid meeting them in the first place.

-Don't give up. Unfortunately, neither playing dead nor fighting back works as well against polar bears as against their smaller relatives. They're often more interested in eating you than in neutralizing you as a threat, so playing dead might just make their job easier. Fighting back is pretty useless, too, but if you find yourself rolling around the tundra with a one-ton polar bear, you don't have much to lose.

Welp.
posted by vibratory manner of working at 10:00 AM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

one ton, holy fuck.

Metafilter: It's coming right for us!
posted by smidgen at 8:44 PM on July 14, 2013

Sequestration May Be Worsening Bear Problem At Wisconsin Park
posted by homunculus at 10:12 AM on July 17, 2013