44 Medieval Beasts That Cannot Even Handle It Right Now

August 28, 2014 7:38 AM

44 Medieval Beasts That Cannot Even Handle It Right Now

From MeFi's Own Flashboy

posted by Grangousier (42 comments total)

Know this feel.
posted by phunniemee at 7:42 AM on August 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

That's not a basilisk, it's a cocktraice
/pedant
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 7:47 AM on August 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

ahahahaha man what was UP with those artists? The crocodiles and lions I get, but surely they've seen a mule before?
posted by rebent at 7:48 AM on August 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

What's wrong, manticore....woah oh woah woah woah woaaaaah

(With apologies to Tom Jones)
posted by ian1977 at 7:51 AM on August 28, 2014 [14 favorites]

Medieval artists were emo as fuck, waaaaaaaay emo before you were.
posted by Fizz at 7:52 AM on August 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

Inscribe a mark here to have skilled artists create copies of this tapestry and deliver them to all those listed in your VassalBook.
posted by Behemoth at 7:56 AM on August 28, 2014 [16 favorites]

This almost reads like a clickhole article...is Buzzfeed becoming self-aware?
posted by johnnydummkopf at 7:57 AM on August 28, 2014 [14 favorites]

Many of the beasts have an expression that I always associate with the guy in the lower left here.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:58 AM on August 28, 2014 [8 favorites]

I kinda feel the same way today; maybe I could turn one of these in to a bewildered boar mask to wear to my next meeting?
posted by ldthomps at 7:59 AM on August 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

That's not a basilisk, it's a cocktraice

Basilisks (from the Greek βασιλίσκος/basiliskos) are also known as Amphysian Cockatrices.
/pædagōgus
posted by Smart Dalek at 7:59 AM on August 28, 2014 [15 favorites]

Touche. Obv you can see where I was schooled ;)
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 8:07 AM on August 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

This almost reads like a clickhole article...is Buzzfeed becoming self-aware?

The premise struck me as rather The hyphen Toast dot net–like.
posted by kenko at 8:11 AM on August 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Does anybody know the actual meaning of these 44 images?
posted by Flashman at 8:12 AM on August 28, 2014

I assume the author is your son, so why not just ask him?
posted by kenko at 8:13 AM on August 28, 2014 [14 favorites]

Metafilter cannot handle this right now.
posted by clvrmnky at 8:16 AM on August 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Touche. Obv you can see where I was schooled ;)

It's ok, not everyone had the means to attend Madame Crawthorne's Finishing Academy of Mythical Beastery
posted by threeants at 8:26 AM on August 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Does anybody know the actual meaning of these 44 images?


"Copying and illumination is extremely boring."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:48 AM on August 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Does anybody know the actual meaning of these 44 images?

"Coming up with listicle content is easy if your standards are low."
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:57 AM on August 28, 2014 [3 favorites]

Ha! I thought these were hilarious. Maybe not everyone's cup o' tea but tickled me.
posted by Mister_A at 9:04 AM on August 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

"No but seriously, fuck dragons." I kinda loved all of these.
posted by Cocodrillo at 9:08 AM on August 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Does anybody know the actual meaning of these 44 images?

Well, after all these years, viewing these it finally, and disagreeably, occurs to me that the absolute ubiquity of images of cats playing fiddles reflects not only the cat-like screechiness of the sound of the fiddle, but also the likelihood that it was strung with catgut, and that to the pre-modern mind this explained the screechiness, because by using catgut, you captured part of the essence of the animal.

By the same unlogic (not illogic), the bear in a boat on the sea playing the bagpipe is probably not a bear at all, but a seal:

The bag ("tuulekott", "magu", "kott", "loots", etc.) was usually made of the stomach of a grey seal in the western and northern parts of Estonia and on the islands. Most valued were the stomachs of large old seals. The bag that was made of a seal's stomach, was not spoilt either by aridity or by humidity. A bagpiper of the Hiiu island is known to have said that if his bagpipe (made of a seal's stomach) became wet, it sounded richer because the seal is a sea animal.

posted by jamjam at 9:27 AM on August 28, 2014 [9 favorites]

As a social justice warlock, I find this list offensively eurocentric.

Or, to put it another way, This ahuizotl CANNOT deal with this right now.
posted by Panjandrum at 9:40 AM on August 28, 2014 [7 favorites]

this oni JUST CAN'T EVEN
posted by threeants at 9:54 AM on August 28, 2014 [4 favorites]

Well, after all these years, viewing these it finally, and disagreeably, occurs to me that the absolute ubiquity of images of cats playing fiddles reflects not only the cat-like screechiness of the sound of the fiddle, but also the likelihood that it was strung with catgut, and that to the pre-modern mind this explained the screechiness, because by using catgut, you captured part of the essence of the animal.

Catgut is not made with cat guts, but rather with sheep or goat (or other cattle) guts.
posted by slkinsey at 9:56 AM on August 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Considering the depictions of elephants, giraffes and the like, I'm not absolutely sure that the illustrators would know that...
posted by YAMWAK at 9:59 AM on August 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

I just had 2 out of 3 officemates look over to see what I was cackling at. Thanks for the much-needed, its-almost-Friday-before-a-long-weekend break!
posted by Fig at 10:04 AM on August 28, 2014

Is there a Poe's law for click-bait listicles?
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 10:10 AM on August 28, 2014

This is great. Really great.
posted by brundlefly at 10:12 AM on August 28, 2014

"Check out hundreds of illustrations of sharks created over the past several hundred years in the BHL Sharks! Collection." (From the Biodiversity Heritage Library)
posted by brundlefly at 10:17 AM on August 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

Catgut is not made with cat guts, but rather with sheep or goat (or other cattle) guts.
posted by slkinsey

Very interesting point.

However:

The ancient Egyptians and Babylonians and the later Greeks and Romans used the intestines of herbivorous animals for much the same purposes. The origin of the term catgut is obscure; it is not known if the intestines of cats were ever put to such uses.

If catgut never actually was cat guts, I would be very tempted to argue that the term originated and became popular because of the resemblance of the sound of the fiddle to the screeching of cats -- in a kind of back attribution similar to folk etymology.
posted by jamjam at 10:41 AM on August 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

YES GOOD
posted by Zerowensboring at 10:56 AM on August 28, 2014

Not only did I like the link, but this thread has trigger a semantic satiation event in my brain that has caused catgut to suddenly become the most appalling word in the English language.
posted by maxsparber at 11:11 AM on August 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

Considering the depictions of elephants, giraffes and the like, I'm not absolutely sure that the illustrators would know that...
posted by YAMWAK

Another excellent point; the medieval luthier's guild was so secretive (a characteristic it had in common with many guilds) that it has proved very challenging to reconstruct period instruments:

A knowledge of the luthier arts is required as a starting point. Study of the materials, tools and methods are necessary as well as stepping backward through history with the craft, arts, and science or the luthier to learn of the changes, losses, and retained knowledge of the past. Examination of instruments from other cultures, where the instruments have not changed or changed little since the Middle Ages, is the next step toward unveiling the hidden guild secrets of musical instrument making. The luthiers of the Arabic culture in the 9th century give us some details of construction that European luthiers held dearly secret.

So people in general were probably left to draw their own conclusions about what animal the strings came from.
posted by jamjam at 11:16 AM on August 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

The blending of medievalism and lulz culture is so perfectly pitched towards this one acquaintance of mine that I can't believe this wasn't commissioned by her. She is currently constructing syllabi on medieval literature and filling it with as many just-old-enough-to-be-embarrassing meme references as she can. I cryeth.
posted by Beardman at 11:42 AM on August 28, 2014 [5 favorites]

In fairness to this list, that basilisk and the snakes is how I feel about work almost every day.
posted by khaibit at 12:05 PM on August 28, 2014 [2 favorites]

If catgut never actually was cat guts, I would be very tempted to argue that the term originated and became popular because of the resemblance of the sound of the fiddle to the screeching of cats -- in a kind of back attribution similar to folk etymology.

Unlikely. Not to mention that fiddles don't sound anything like screaming cats.
posted by slkinsey at 12:21 PM on August 28, 2014

These. On a scale of one to even I can't.
posted by sourwookie at 12:31 PM on August 28, 2014 [1 favorite]

You canne lede a bafilisk to watyre but you can't even.
posted by sourwookie at 12:34 PM on August 28, 2014 [13 favorites]

"bishop, i am sure you can see the problem for yourself - these monks are simply eating too many of those special mushrooms"
posted by pyramid termite at 12:39 PM on August 28, 2014

Not to mention that fiddles don't sound anything like screaming cats.

You must not have spent much time around anyone trying to learn how to play country music on a fiddle -- or cats, for that matter:

caterwauling, cat·er·wauled, cat·er·wauls
1. To cry or screech like a cat in heat.
2. To make a shrill, discordant sound.
3. To have a noisy argument.

how can you annihilate all your skill in playing by making use of a miserable screaking, caterwauling fiddle like that ?

Christina's caterwauling fiddle solo was too mournful, even for a creature that had spent most of its nights in darkened alleyways moaning at the moon ...

The wet cat and wet fiddle, They made such a caterwauling, That the cow in a fright Stood bolt upright Bellowing now, and bawling;

Hereupon Dick Harness imitated the squeaking of pigs and caterwauling of cats upon his fiddle, so as to set everybody laughing, except Opposition Bill, who pretended to be very sulky.

posted by jamjam at 1:26 PM on August 28, 2014

Well I loved it. I have decided that it sums up today. And this is seriously how I feel about Mondays.
posted by Athanassiel at 12:08 AM on August 29, 2014

I came here looking for a laugh. Boy, did I get one! Thanks!
posted by the_royal_we at 4:24 AM on August 29, 2014