Squeak squeak squeak squeak...

September 9, 2014 1:56 PM

Mattress Types and Sex Suitability: Ratings and Comparisons Based on 471 Mattress Owner Experiences
posted by not_on_display (26 comments total)

The question is how many combinations of discretion and bouncy were tried on each mattress to get those ratings. For some people, quality bounce at discreet levels matters more than uninhibited, potential bounce.
posted by michaelh at 2:16 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

I would like to see a similar comparison of dining room tables.
posted by bondcliff at 2:18 PM on September 9, 2014 [13 favorites]

not_on_display:

I find this post both interesting and useful. Thank you for sharing it on Metafilter's front page. May the road rise to meet you, and may your endeavors be ever successful.

With the highest regards,

Sex-Doer McBone
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 2:25 PM on September 9, 2014 [11 favorites]

lol, reloaded the mefi main page and that long link was already visited-colored, I was all "what's the deal with a link I visited showing up, I already visited that link, I wanted NEW LINKS"
(i just very recently bought a mattress)

we went memory foam and it's been quite nice, I find it sleeps a little hot tho. not-sleeps pretty hot as well if you know what i'm sayin'
posted by ghostbikes at 2:43 PM on September 9, 2014

also that chart made me REALLY want a latex mattress when we were shopping for them, it's too bad they're so expensive.

I'd like to see one of those comparisons for bed frames actually. the one i got was mad cheap but makes the occasional horrifying noise if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time.
posted by ghostbikes at 2:46 PM on September 9, 2014

haha, ghostbikes, I just had the same experience. We ordered a new memory foam mattress last week - I was assured the newer models don't sleep all that hot, but I'll know for sure soon.
posted by piyushnz at 2:47 PM on September 9, 2014

I would like to see a similar comparison of dining room tables.

Also kitchen counters, carpets, couches, stairs, bathtubs, washing machines, uhhh, roof tiles...
posted by Librarypt at 2:47 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

from Don't Point That Thing At Me, by Kyril Bonfiglioli:

Bed is the only place for protracted telephoning. It is also excellently suited to reading, sleeping and listening to canaries. It is not at all a good place for sex: sex should take place in armchairs, or in bathrooms, or on lawns which have been brushed but not too recently mown, or on sandy beaches if you happen to have been circumcised. If you are too tired to have intercourse except in bed you are probably too tired anyway and should be husbanding your strength.

posted by Ian A.T. at 2:47 PM on September 9, 2014 [5 favorites]

...golf course putting greens...
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:51 PM on September 9, 2014

Please do not use the armchairs, unless you first put a cover of some kind on them, for god's sake your guests have to sit there.

Those of you who like knitting, maybe you can make a sort of sex-antimacassar for this purpose.
posted by emjaybee at 2:56 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

Add me to the "huh, I've already visited this link" chorus.
posted by obfuscation at 3:01 PM on September 9, 2014

sexi-macassar, emjaybee.
posted by 1adam12 at 3:07 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

♫I just bought a waterbed
Filled up with Elmer's glue
posted by jfuller at 3:57 PM on September 9, 2014

They didn't mention "kitchen floor of your ex"
posted by clvrmnky at 4:03 PM on September 9, 2014

Those of you who like knitting, maybe you can make a sort of sex-antimacassar for this purpose.

Due to my retro lube preferences, this is actually just an antimacassar in my case.
posted by howfar at 4:25 PM on September 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

Screwing on memory foam is like having sex in quicksand blegh.

sex-antimacassar

Something something heavy metal knit core band something
posted by The Whelk at 4:30 PM on September 9, 2014

Those of you who like knitting, maybe you can make a sort of sex-antimacassar for this purpose.

I've been in more than a few houses with plastic-covered furniture in the living room, which always crinkles unpleasantly when you sit on it.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:50 PM on September 9, 2014

Can someone explain this "sleeping hot" property mentioned above? Not a concept I'm familiar with, and I just moved to a new apartment which came with a memory foam mattress. I agree that it feels like quicksand; I get around by swimming through the memories.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 6:30 PM on September 9, 2014

i just very recently bought a mattress

So did I. I found this chart afterwards though.
posted by jessamyn at 6:42 PM on September 9, 2014

When I was 13, my dad bought me a new bed. He got the mattress directly from a friend of his, who runs the area's largest Bedding supplier. This is the same guy who chatted with a Gambino at the local Outback Steakhouse.

Anyway, ol' Bob had his guys deliver the mattress directly to the house. I was home after school with my neighbor, known then as Frog, when the truck backed up. I opened the garage, let them carry it in. Frog was looking over the mattress as I was thanking them and closing the door.

"Cool," I said. "New bed, yay. Wanna help me put it together?"

"Matt," said Frog. "MATT"

"What?"

"LOOK AT YOUR FUCKKEN MATTRESS MAN" says Frog.

And there at the foot of the mattress, what I had thought to be a Restonic mattress label, was in fact a custom tag that read:

MIDNIGHT EXPRESS
FAST FEEDER MODEL
TWO UPS FOR EVERY DOWN
THE BEST FUCKING MATTRESS IN THE WORLD

I treasured that bed my entire adolescence, I can tell you.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:04 PM on September 9, 2014 [12 favorites]

I would like to see a similar comparison of dining room tables.

Waitasec... Hold up... I've eaten dinner at your house... Your mother was there, too...

Mods: is there something you can do to erase this FPP from all of existence and memory?
posted by not_on_display at 11:06 PM on September 9, 2014 [4 favorites]

Air mattresses are not in the Pareto-optimal set as they are dominated by innerspring. Likewise, waterbeds are dominated by latex beds.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 4:16 AM on September 10, 2014

As the owner of a Tempurpedic I'm interested in these wonderful new positions that the article claims. Because otherwise the mattress pretty much sucks for the hanky panky.
posted by Runes at 5:12 AM on September 10, 2014

Everyone has told me that Tempurpedics are awful for the love-times, but we have one and I haven't found it to be any more (or less) difficult than on a normal bed.

we went memory foam and it's been quite nice, I find it sleeps a little hot tho.

We got a cooling mattress pad and it really works.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:10 AM on September 10, 2014

I loved my memory foam mattress until I found a girl I loved more. We are happy owners of a latex mattress now.
posted by donnagirl at 6:32 AM on September 10, 2014 [1 favorite]

Sleeps hot = becomes or feels hot when you sleep on it, I believe..
posted by Drexen at 9:28 AM on September 10, 2014