Of course I’m a classics teacher. There’s a Parthenon behind my head.
January 26, 2015 5:31 PM Subscribe
The Jennifer Lopez vehicle "The Boy Next Door" opened this past weekend and earned a paltry 12% on the Tomatometer. There's nothing terribly unique about this number deep in the cinematic dumping ground that is January, but people are quickly taking notice on how absolutely bonkers the film really is. This starts with the trailer and then moves on to the film itself, which is that rare beast in this era of boring SyFy Channel schlock: A bad movie that never stops being fun. If you need further convincing, witness one moment from the film that was recently singled out by Slate. It's a thing of beauty.
I had no desire to see this movie until I read this post. I love movies that are so bad they're good.
posted by kassila at 5:50 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by kassila at 5:50 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
I admit I kinda do want a hardcover "first edition" copy of The Illiad for my very own now.
posted by rewil at 5:54 PM on January 26, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by rewil at 5:54 PM on January 26, 2015 [20 favorites]
Pfft. I have a first edition of the Iliad signed by Homer.
posted by languagehat at 5:58 PM on January 26, 2015 [71 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 5:58 PM on January 26, 2015 [71 favorites]
"did he punch a bee"
posted by poffin boffin at 5:59 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 5:59 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I can't wait to download a terrible camrip of this.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:59 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 5:59 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh, no. I was burned once in the "actually it's so bad it's good" department by Gigli. Never again, J-Lo.
posted by Spatch at 6:00 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Spatch at 6:00 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Uh, hey...I know you like the Classics and stuff, so I got you a rhapsode from 7th-century BCE Thebes to recite The Song of Ilium in its entirety. I hope you didn't have plans for the evening."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:05 PM on January 26, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:05 PM on January 26, 2015 [21 favorites]
I don't think a scroll should be described as "hardcover" even if it gets put into a case. I do recommend hanging out for a scribe who uses vellum rather than just settling for papyrus, though.
posted by Joe in Australia at 6:05 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by Joe in Australia at 6:05 PM on January 26, 2015
that's nothing - i have a first edition of the old testament signed by GOD
posted by pyramid termite at 6:05 PM on January 26, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by pyramid termite at 6:05 PM on January 26, 2015 [24 favorites]
Pfft. I have a first edition of the Iliad signed by Homer.
Bah: I have the special edition of that one that came in a large wooden horse.
posted by Palindromedary at 6:07 PM on January 26, 2015 [36 favorites]
Bah: I have the special edition of that one that came in a large wooden horse.
posted by Palindromedary at 6:07 PM on January 26, 2015 [36 favorites]
Screenwriting by people who have just heard words and completely divorced them from their meaning. First edition books are better, this is a book, why not make it first edition? Have your lead give their romantic interest a Stratocaster trumpet, or make a 24-carat hemp necklace.
posted by 0xFCAF at 6:09 PM on January 26, 2015 [32 favorites]
posted by 0xFCAF at 6:09 PM on January 26, 2015 [32 favorites]
> Directed by Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious)
SAY NO MORE!
posted by ardgedee at 6:09 PM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
SAY NO MORE!
posted by ardgedee at 6:09 PM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
Bah: I have the special edition of that one that came in a large wooden horse.
Mine came in a giant wooden rabbit. I think I got ripped off.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:10 PM on January 26, 2015 [15 favorites]
Mine came in a giant wooden rabbit. I think I got ripped off.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:10 PM on January 26, 2015 [15 favorites]
And I have the apple signed by Eris.
Boom! That's classics baby.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:10 PM on January 26, 2015 [23 favorites]
Boom! That's classics baby.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:10 PM on January 26, 2015 [23 favorites]
I'm not sure why everyone thinks it's hilariously unbelievable that jennifer Lopez is a high school classics teacher.
posted by empath at 6:10 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by empath at 6:10 PM on January 26, 2015
Bah: I have the special edition of that that came in a large wooden horse.
that was the little iliad, not the illiad
posted by pyramid termite at 6:11 PM on January 26, 2015
that was the little iliad, not the illiad
posted by pyramid termite at 6:11 PM on January 26, 2015
Oh man, this trailer came on before the movie I was seeing last week (Spare Parts was really cute!) and the audience howled with laughter.
posted by TwoStride at 6:12 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by TwoStride at 6:12 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure why everyone thinks it's hilariously unbelievable that jennifer Lopez is a high school classics teacher.
because she thinks a first edition of the iliad is a hardcover book
posted by poffin boffin at 6:14 PM on January 26, 2015 [46 favorites]
because she thinks a first edition of the iliad is a hardcover book
posted by poffin boffin at 6:14 PM on January 26, 2015 [46 favorites]
Why do they take such pains to avoid showing Claire’s breasts but have no problem displaying the breasts of a high school girl?
I can answer this one! Because J-Lo has the juice to stipulate in her contract that she doesn't appear uncovered while J-Random does not!
This movie sounds really terrible. I'm adding it to my netflix queue right now.
posted by Justinian at 6:14 PM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
I can answer this one! Because J-Lo has the juice to stipulate in her contract that she doesn't appear uncovered while J-Random does not!
This movie sounds really terrible. I'm adding it to my netflix queue right now.
posted by Justinian at 6:14 PM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
And I have the apple signed by Eris.
i have her hot dog buns
posted by pyramid termite at 6:15 PM on January 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
i have her hot dog buns
posted by pyramid termite at 6:15 PM on January 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
That's nothing, I have a first edition of the Necronomicon s͕͚̱̕i̮g̲̯̤̰ͅn̖̯̙̖̺ͅe̮̖̯͡d̳̳͕̥̫̕ ͓̫͙͈͎̺b͎̭͈̥̭̦̲y̷͚̜̖̳̼͔ͅ ͜ṯ̷̫h̭̘̰̭̠̥̣ẹ̫̝͖̣ ̩̠͠U͎̯̼n̼͔͉̰̩͎̠h̹̟̤̞̱̼ͅo̶̞̻͚ḻ̷̥̣̘͉̤y̬̳̱͓͞ ̀O̗̫̗̙̱͖͟n̹͜e̵̞ ̹̱̞̗̬̝̣i̭̰̙͔̜͓̪͎̭̮͈̗͙̭͎͘n̵̛̹̤̤͈̖͉͓̰̭͇͙̗̗͖̘͕͉ ̷̢̩̣̩͉̣̪͔̗̯̥̺̹̱͘͟͠ͅt̸̵̷͕̥̪̣̞̠̳̜͕̝̟̤̮ͅͅh̨̧̫̰̪̱͇é̟͖̤͇̫̪͇͟͡ ̴̨͎͎̫̫̗̮̘͉͈̳̯̺̱̺̻́b̢̨̠̲̲̳͚͚̞̠̝͓̬̟̩͈̳̝͝l͜҉̠̦͙͙̩̠̱̲̖͕͉̪͢o̪̱̪͚͘̕͜ͅͅo̶͇̥͔̲̩̻̟̱̘͖̙̜̻͙͖͔̟̕d̸̫͉͍̯̗̗̺̗̙̖̙̥͕̣͚̀ ̶҉̧̛͖͍̖̖̪̞͙̼̠̘̱͉͍̗̜̣̦͞ͅo̴̙͕̺̝͙̖͎͞f̶̮̯̙̹̳̤̥̤̩̞͔̙ ̸̱̭̯́͢͜͠ͅt̴̶̡͈͙̩͚̱̠̞̘͓̰̙̼̻̬̠̰̞͇̀͝h̸̫̫͔̞̥͕̲͕̣͡e̛̺̖̤̳̠̦̗̺̪̰̘̘͉͜ͅ ̰͇̝͕̝̘̰̞́͟͞i̢̕͏̸̷̭̦̙̱̩̬̯n̡̯̮͇̯͉̠͎͕̭̮̞̦̙̼͎̪̥̫͟ͅǹ̶̨͓̜̺̦̖̺͍̱͚̜o̡̠̫̹̳̱̪̘͕̩̩͇̝͠c̸̴̢̻̞̲͖̼͘ẹ̶̪͔̘̲̱̤̻̳͚̙̥́͘͜͟ͅǹ̢͓̻̲̘̪̭͉͓̙͈͕̪͜͟͠ͅt̶͈̙͕̩̩͓̫̤̺̼̫̩͢
posted by saturday_morning at 6:15 PM on January 26, 2015 [76 favorites]
posted by saturday_morning at 6:15 PM on January 26, 2015 [76 favorites]
(meta)i am sorry to inform metafilter of the passing of saturday_morning, who was eaten by an ancient book(meta)
posted by pyramid termite at 6:17 PM on January 26, 2015 [23 favorites]
posted by pyramid termite at 6:17 PM on January 26, 2015 [23 favorites]
"No judgments. No rules. Just us."
posted by Flashman at 6:19 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Flashman at 6:19 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
"If you've never seen a motion picture before, 'The Boy Next Door' will amaze you with its ability to project huge images of beautiful people onto a screen."
posted by argonauta at 6:20 PM on January 26, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by argonauta at 6:20 PM on January 26, 2015 [16 favorites]
But what about a first edition of David Coperfield, with one P?
posted by xedrik at 6:20 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by xedrik at 6:20 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
Oh, no. I was burned once in the "actually it's so bad it's good" department by Gigli. Never again, J-Lo.
This movie is twice as good as Gigli! 200% better.
posted by srboisvert at 6:23 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
This movie is twice as good as Gigli! 200% better.
posted by srboisvert at 6:23 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
My wife and I and another couple went to see this on opening night. As a good-bad movie I give it three Zardoz heads out of five.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:24 PM on January 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:24 PM on January 26, 2015 [9 favorites]
Do films not hire people broadly associated with the topics they're portraying to ensure against howlers like a first edition Iliad? Like a consultant of some kind, even if it's just a former teacher in this case?
Maybe Homer was guilty of this too:
"Anybody broke that many spears would be hauled in front of the captain!"
"Stealing armour? When did armour come one-size-fits-all?"
"No prince would use a bow in battle, totally unrealistic."
"The logistics of foraging are horrendous, after a year you would be starving, never mind ten. OP is a big phony."
posted by Thing at 6:28 PM on January 26, 2015 [17 favorites]
Maybe Homer was guilty of this too:
"Anybody broke that many spears would be hauled in front of the captain!"
"Stealing armour? When did armour come one-size-fits-all?"
"No prince would use a bow in battle, totally unrealistic."
"The logistics of foraging are horrendous, after a year you would be starving, never mind ten. OP is a big phony."
posted by Thing at 6:28 PM on January 26, 2015 [17 favorites]
Okay so is this first edition hilarity more or less terrible than the egregiously fake baby in American Sniper? Discuss.
posted by poffin boffin at 6:29 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 6:29 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure why everyone thinks it's hilariously unbelievable that jennifer Lopez is a high school classics teacher.
Because classics was eliminated from the high school curriculum five tax cuts ago.
posted by escabeche at 6:29 PM on January 26, 2015 [71 favorites]
Because classics was eliminated from the high school curriculum five tax cuts ago.
posted by escabeche at 6:29 PM on January 26, 2015 [71 favorites]
I have a first edition of the Iliad signed by Homer.
Hmmph. I'll bet it's autopen.
I love J-Lo and classics so this movie sounds like it was made for me. Now please, studios, make Mariah Carey a swinging Victorianist.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:34 PM on January 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
Hmmph. I'll bet it's autopen.
I love J-Lo and classics so this movie sounds like it was made for me. Now please, studios, make Mariah Carey a swinging Victorianist.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:34 PM on January 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
> Do films not hire people broadly associated with the topics they're portraying to ensure against howlers like a first edition Iliad? Like a consultant of some kind, even if it's just a former teacher in this case?
The audience for a film like this falls into two camps; those who wouldn't notice or care about the absurdity of a "first edition" of The Iliad, and those who would notice and think it's hilarious.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:38 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
The audience for a film like this falls into two camps; those who wouldn't notice or care about the absurdity of a "first edition" of The Iliad, and those who would notice and think it's hilarious.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:38 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's the same two camps that CSI writers create the hilariously bad computer scenes for, only this time for the Humanities.
posted by benito.strauss at 6:50 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by benito.strauss at 6:50 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
a plea from Noah to help him cook chickenIs that what the kids are saying these days?
Ah, Noah. I'll bet A.E. Housman would've helped you cook your chicken, too.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:56 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
The audience for a film like this falls into two camps; those who wouldn't notice or care about the absurdity of a "first edition" of The Iliad, and those who would notice and think it's hilarious.
So more or less a modern version of a cheeky talking horse?
posted by Thing at 6:57 PM on January 26, 2015
So more or less a modern version of a cheeky talking horse?
posted by Thing at 6:57 PM on January 26, 2015
films not hire people broadly associated with the topics they're portraying to ensure against howlers like a first edition Iliad? Like a consultant of some kind, even if it's just a former teacher in this case?
I find that a sign of true ignorance is an inability to even consider you might be wrong.
posted by one_bean at 7:02 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
I find that a sign of true ignorance is an inability to even consider you might be wrong.
posted by one_bean at 7:02 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
It would have been better if the first edition of the Iliad was literally an 2,500 year old amphora of Homer's speech-breath that he opened in J-Lo's face. "If you inhale deeply enough you can almost taste the diphthongs. I want you to have it."
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:02 PM on January 26, 2015 [33 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:02 PM on January 26, 2015 [33 favorites]
It's the same two camps that CSI writers create the hilariously bad computer scenes for, only this time for the Humanities.
And this is why "The Boy Next Door" is only the #2 movie in America while "American Sniper" is #1: because Camp Fake Baby is for EVERYONE.
(I'm not even kidding about the #2 thing)
posted by argonauta at 7:03 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
And this is why "The Boy Next Door" is only the #2 movie in America while "American Sniper" is #1: because Camp Fake Baby is for EVERYONE.
(I'm not even kidding about the #2 thing)
posted by argonauta at 7:03 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
J-Lo be like "mmm, dem diphthongs".
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:04 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:04 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
that's nothing - i have a first edition of the old testament signed by GOD
A year or two back I got a comped overnight in a legendary old school hotel, a place that was the very pinnacle of Edwardian glamour. It was made all the better by flipping open the Gideon Bible in the nightstand and seeing on the title page the handwritten inscription:
A year or two back I got a comped overnight in a legendary old school hotel, a place that was the very pinnacle of Edwardian glamour. It was made all the better by flipping open the Gideon Bible in the nightstand and seeing on the title page the handwritten inscription:
All the best,posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:05 PM on January 26, 2015 [107 favorites]
Jesus
Oh, the Illi-AD! Well, now I've got an old cranky man with an octopus for a face standing around waiting to impress the wife. Isn't my face red with my blood as my liquified brains run out my nose?
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:05 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:05 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Okay so is this first edition hilarity more or less terrible than the egregiously fake baby in American Sniper? Discuss.
Uh, who would give a real baby to someone that is clearly suffering from severe PTSD?
posted by ill3 at 7:09 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Uh, who would give a real baby to someone that is clearly suffering from severe PTSD?
posted by ill3 at 7:09 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm already waiting for the flophouse episode.
posted by Going To Maine at 7:15 PM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Going To Maine at 7:15 PM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
Hey, man- the Illiad was the illest account of the Trojan war.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:16 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:16 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'll bet Noah only picked up the Iliad because he heard the towers were topless.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:21 PM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by octobersurprise at 7:21 PM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
Does J-Lo get pregnant with a fake baby?
posted by vitabellosi at 7:22 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by vitabellosi at 7:22 PM on January 26, 2015
Okay so is this first edition hilarity more or less terrible than the egregiously fake baby in American Sniper? Discuss.
Aargh!
posted by vitabellosi at 7:23 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Aargh!
posted by vitabellosi at 7:23 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
ricochet biscuit: I'm now going to inscribe that in every hotel Bible I come across. And I travel frequently. Brilliant.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 7:25 PM on January 26, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by Joseph Gurl at 7:25 PM on January 26, 2015 [17 favorites]
Seriously? Hollywood is still doing bunny boilers?
posted by charlie don't surf at 7:26 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by charlie don't surf at 7:26 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seriously? Hollywood is still doing bunny boilers?
Wait till you hear about almost every other shitty genre they're still making!
posted by stinkfoot at 7:28 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Wait till you hear about almost every other shitty genre they're still making!
posted by stinkfoot at 7:28 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
On our first date, my now-wife gave me an autographed first edition of Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying. That's when you know it's true love, people.
posted by jbickers at 7:33 PM on January 26, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by jbickers at 7:33 PM on January 26, 2015 [17 favorites]
Just for posterity (for what will future generations care about when they study our civilization if not this?), I believe the credit for first mockery of the first-edition thing goes to Voice film editor Alan Scherstuhl, who tweeted about it and then mentioned it, surprisingly forgivingly, in his review.
posted by RogerB at 7:36 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by RogerB at 7:36 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
Man John Corbett gets cheated on in every movie he's in.
posted by zutalors! at 7:42 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by zutalors! at 7:42 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
@Joseph Girl just remember that J is a modern invention .
posted by gryftir at 7:47 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by gryftir at 7:47 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
So it would be 'All the best, Hesus'?
posted by Literaryhero at 7:51 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by Literaryhero at 7:51 PM on January 26, 2015
I mean shit, the bible is in English (I assume), so if Jesus was signing it in Aramaic, that would just not make sense. Might as well modernize it and write 'All the best, Kanye'.
posted by Literaryhero at 7:52 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Literaryhero at 7:52 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
When your competition for second place is Johnny Depp demolishing his last singular shred of credibility as a box office draw and a George Lucas helmed vehicle about fairies that got dumped into January two months ago, uh... sorry I forgot where I was going with that and blacked out. Anyway, Boy Next Store actually looks pretty entertaining and I'll probably watch it at some point.
posted by codacorolla at 7:58 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by codacorolla at 7:58 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
He'd have gotten her a first edition of The Epic of Gilgamesh, but the used bookstore only had the first eleven tablets.
posted by kewb at 8:00 PM on January 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by kewb at 8:00 PM on January 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
that's nothing - i have a first edition of the old testament signed by GOD
Oh yeah I have a copy of the Hebrew Bible signed by, well... I can't quite say it out loud.
posted by Turkey Glue at 8:03 PM on January 26, 2015 [28 favorites]
Oh yeah I have a copy of the Hebrew Bible signed by, well... I can't quite say it out loud.
posted by Turkey Glue at 8:03 PM on January 26, 2015 [28 favorites]
Angus? Bloaters?
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:04 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:04 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
This movie just opened, and I am already impatient for its appearance on How Did This Get Made?
posted by bakerina at 8:11 PM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by bakerina at 8:11 PM on January 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
> Do films not hire people broadly associated with the topics they're portraying to ensure against howlers like a first edition Iliad?
I heard they were going to use a Jackie Collins paperback, but it got lost in the bathroom and the back up book wasn't feeling well, so they pulled out the Ilaid, but didn't change the script.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:13 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
I heard they were going to use a Jackie Collins paperback, but it got lost in the bathroom and the back up book wasn't feeling well, so they pulled out the Ilaid, but didn't change the script.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:13 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
To be fair there are a few translations I would love to get a signed first edition of. The Michael Kandel Cyberiad comes to mind, as does Taylor's Faust.
And although it's not my favorite translation, Tolkien's Beowulf would be kind of cool.
(What all those translations have in common is that the source material was heavy in poetry and wordplay. Kandel's work is particularly impressive.)
So anyway, I don't know how it's presented in the movie but there is a slim chance that the screenwriters were just sloppy.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:13 PM on January 26, 2015
And although it's not my favorite translation, Tolkien's Beowulf would be kind of cool.
(What all those translations have in common is that the source material was heavy in poetry and wordplay. Kandel's work is particularly impressive.)
So anyway, I don't know how it's presented in the movie but there is a slim chance that the screenwriters were just sloppy.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:13 PM on January 26, 2015
Wow, this thing only cost four million dollars to make. It's on pace for 40 million dollars. That's a pretty good investment!
posted by codacorolla at 8:14 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by codacorolla at 8:14 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
This movie is twice as good as Gigli! 200% better.
Someone needs to go back to AP math.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:21 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Someone needs to go back to AP math.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:21 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
Back in the day it cost four million dollars just to kit out Jennifer Lopez's trailer on set to her satisfaction.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:21 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:21 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh, the humanities!
posted by adamrice at 8:36 PM on January 26, 2015 [48 favorites]
posted by adamrice at 8:36 PM on January 26, 2015 [48 favorites]
Man John Corbett gets cheated on in every movie he's in.
He's just got that kind of face. His eyebrows in particular are way too earnest-looking.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:42 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
He's just got that kind of face. His eyebrows in particular are way too earnest-looking.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:42 PM on January 26, 2015 [4 favorites]
The last time I went to the movies I saw Under the Skin. I'd much rather have seen this movie.
posted by fshgrl at 8:56 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by fshgrl at 8:56 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I should really upgrade. My Totally Trojan Rhino box set was a decent bargain relative to the sheer amount of material inside, but you have to wade through a ton of filler from the Cypria and Ilias Mikra to get to the good stuff. Can't beat those Rhino liner notes, though.
posted by Iridic at 8:57 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Iridic at 8:57 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wow, this thing only cost four million dollars to make. It's on pace for 40 million dollars. That's a pretty good investment!
Wrong!
posted by slater at 8:57 PM on January 26, 2015
Wrong!
posted by slater at 8:57 PM on January 26, 2015
slater: "Wrong!"
Hollywood accounting hides profit, not loss. The movie may not be profitable on paper, but it definitely looks like it was a good investment.
posted by Bugbread at 9:06 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hollywood accounting hides profit, not loss. The movie may not be profitable on paper, but it definitely looks like it was a good investment.
posted by Bugbread at 9:06 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would go see this but I can't imagine what's left after such a comprehensive trailer. It just didn't stop.
Speaking of Cohen, when is F&F being released?
posted by Ik ben afgesneden at 9:12 PM on January 26, 2015
Speaking of Cohen, when is F&F being released?
posted by Ik ben afgesneden at 9:12 PM on January 26, 2015
Ik ben afgesneden: "I would go see this but I can't imagine what's left after such a comprehensive trailer."
Maybe it does the turnaround thing, where the commercial casts her as the victim and then the movie is like "Surprise! He's a high school student who hasn't reached the age of consent! She's a rapist!"
posted by Bugbread at 9:22 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Maybe it does the turnaround thing, where the commercial casts her as the victim and then the movie is like "Surprise! He's a high school student who hasn't reached the age of consent! She's a rapist!"
posted by Bugbread at 9:22 PM on January 26, 2015 [3 favorites]
Not to make excuses but could the line be referring to a first edition of some artistically or scholarly important translation of the Iliad? Actually that seems like a more classic hollywood error, hire someone, figure out which of the hundred or so translations of the Iliad would be both suitably impressive and plausible (he brings an Alexander Pope he's probably robbed a museum, if it's one that came out in 2012 it's not that grand), then cut the line in the final edit so instead of "It's a first edition of $foo's translation of the Iliad" it becomes "It's a first edition of the Iliad".
posted by Grimgrin at 9:27 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Grimgrin at 9:27 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wonder if this could measure up to the brilliant trainwreck that is COLOR OF NIGHT.
I was all ready to dismiss THE BOY NEXT DOOR, but goddamned, these pieces have me intrigued.
posted by theartandsound at 9:36 PM on January 26, 2015
I was all ready to dismiss THE BOY NEXT DOOR, but goddamned, these pieces have me intrigued.
posted by theartandsound at 9:36 PM on January 26, 2015
I want to go see this. A movie with Hispanic leads that people are actually going to see? Woot. But the trailer was nearly panic attack inducing, so...
On the other hand, Furious 7 drops April 3, and I am so there. Pretty people, fast cars, good music, (slightly heavy handed) messages about chosen family, and a franchise shows that movies with casts made up of people of color and with good roles for women can be successful and make money? I love the F&F movies. Haters can hate, I'm still there. :)
posted by joycehealy at 9:48 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, Furious 7 drops April 3, and I am so there. Pretty people, fast cars, good music, (slightly heavy handed) messages about chosen family, and a franchise shows that movies with casts made up of people of color and with good roles for women can be successful and make money? I love the F&F movies. Haters can hate, I'm still there. :)
posted by joycehealy at 9:48 PM on January 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
He's just got that kind of face. His eyebrows in particular are way too earnest-looking.
JOHN CORBETT
ACTOR * ARTIST * FACE OF A CUCKOLD
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:56 PM on January 26, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:56 PM on January 26, 2015 [19 favorites]
I look forward to hearing about this on The Flop House.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 10:10 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 10:10 PM on January 26, 2015
"Surprise! He's a high school student who hasn't reached the age of consent! She's a rapist!"
Thanks for saying this. I couldn't find the right words. She's a teacher, he's a student, that's not okay on multiple levels.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:18 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Thanks for saying this. I couldn't find the right words. She's a teacher, he's a student, that's not okay on multiple levels.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:18 PM on January 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Cntrl+F "in my pants"
0 of 0 found
YOU DISAPPOINT ME, METAFILTER
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:24 PM on January 26, 2015
0 of 0 found
YOU DISAPPOINT ME, METAFILTER
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:24 PM on January 26, 2015
A bad movie that never stops being fun...
Sort of like Avatar or Titanic, then.
posted by Twang at 10:25 PM on January 26, 2015
Sort of like Avatar or Titanic, then.
posted by Twang at 10:25 PM on January 26, 2015
Oh, lord - dying! - I meant that it (Corbett's face as a whole; mostly the eyebrows, but also the dimples and turned-up corners of the mouth) / he connotes kindness and forbearance, and a capacity for faith (cf eyelids); just a kind of unreal, basic goodness that makes you think hardly anyone could be as nice. So, yeah, ripe for the picking, I guess
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:05 PM on January 26, 2015
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:05 PM on January 26, 2015
ACTOR * ARTIST * FACE OF A CUCKOLD
AMERICAN TRUCKS • VOICE OF FOLKSY BRANDING • NORTHERN EXPOSURE
"HIS EYEBROWS WILL BE REMEMBERED"
posted by RogerB at 11:07 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
AMERICAN TRUCKS • VOICE OF FOLKSY BRANDING • NORTHERN EXPOSURE
"HIS EYEBROWS WILL BE REMEMBERED"
posted by RogerB at 11:07 PM on January 26, 2015 [5 favorites]
I opened up the trailer twice without realizing it; so one played at a slight delay, echoing every line... I thought 'This is the most amazing arty trailer ever!' until I sadly realized what was going on.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:48 AM on January 27, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:48 AM on January 27, 2015 [7 favorites]
ACTOR * ARTIST * FACE OF A CUCKOLD
B-but isn't he cheating with his secretary every time he goes to the office?!
(My theory is that the secretary's cookies ARE EVEN TASTIER than J-Lo's.)
posted by chavenet at 2:28 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
B-but isn't he cheating with his secretary every time he goes to the office?!
(My theory is that the secretary's cookies ARE EVEN TASTIER than J-Lo's.)
posted by chavenet at 2:28 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
On our first date, my now-wife gave me an autographed first edition of Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying.
It's good, but it's no Stickwick Stapers by Farles Wickens (with four Ms and a silent Q).
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:48 AM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's good, but it's no Stickwick Stapers by Farles Wickens (with four Ms and a silent Q).
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:48 AM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
"The logistics of foraging are horrendous, after a year you would be starving, never mind ten. OP is a big phony."
penelOP pls
Alternate joke: No-one promised me an update! No-one will deliver!
No, you're quoting the wrong classic.
posted by No-sword at 3:59 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
penelOP pls
Alternate joke: No-one promised me an update! No-one will deliver!
No, you're quoting the wrong classic.
posted by No-sword at 3:59 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ryan Guzman is 27 in real life, thank goodness, I was worried he actually was 19.
posted by discopolo at 4:32 AM on January 27, 2015
posted by discopolo at 4:32 AM on January 27, 2015
I want to go to the J-Lo school of acting. Put on glasses, you're a humanities teacher. Take off glasses, you're a police officer.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:50 AM on January 27, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:50 AM on January 27, 2015 [6 favorites]
You know, it never occurred to me that the reason high school teachers are discouraged from sleeping with high school students is that the student might turn out to be Evil. Thanks for that important message, Hollywood!
posted by kyrademon at 4:56 AM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by kyrademon at 4:56 AM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
Guzman (mostly known for a few Step Up movies and Pretty Little Liars)
Those might be pretty lightweight teen movies, but at least Ryan Guzman has so far managed to avoid being typecast as a hoodlum or gang-banger as happened to his father Luis.
posted by Flashman at 5:20 AM on January 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Those might be pretty lightweight teen movies, but at least Ryan Guzman has so far managed to avoid being typecast as a hoodlum or gang-banger as happened to his father Luis.
posted by Flashman at 5:20 AM on January 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Surprise! He's a high school student who hasn't reached the age of consent! She's a rapist!"
I think he's supposed to be 19. Still inappropriate but not illegal.
I too want to see the how did this get made about it
posted by zutalors! at 5:42 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think he's supposed to be 19. Still inappropriate but not illegal.
I too want to see the how did this get made about it
posted by zutalors! at 5:42 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maybe she has one of those Romeo and Juliet Law cards in her pocket.
Except she's a classic teacher, so I guess it'd be a scroll or tablet or something.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:49 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Except she's a classic teacher, so I guess it'd be a scroll or tablet or something.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:49 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
The few times I saw the trailer for this I kept wondering, "What could be left to make a movie about? What could possibly happen in an hour and a half of film that hasn't been shown in this preview?"
Um -- isn't that what we say when we see most trailers? I mean, maybe this movie more so than most, but come on ...... when was the last time anyone saw a trailer that made you actually want to see the movie?
posted by blucevalo at 5:49 AM on January 27, 2015
Um -- isn't that what we say when we see most trailers? I mean, maybe this movie more so than most, but come on ...... when was the last time anyone saw a trailer that made you actually want to see the movie?
posted by blucevalo at 5:49 AM on January 27, 2015
Those might be pretty lightweight teen movies, but at least Ryan Guzman has so far managed to avoid being typecast as a hoodlum or gang-banger as happened to his father Luis.
According to the IMDb, this guy is not Luis Guzman's kid. If he was and this was his first role, I imagine a disappointed Luis would have then steered him into gentleman farming.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 5:54 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
According to the IMDb, this guy is not Luis Guzman's kid. If he was and this was his first role, I imagine a disappointed Luis would have then steered him into gentleman farming.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 5:54 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's like nobody ever heard about vanity pictures. Glitter? Crossroads? Anyone?
posted by Sphinx at 5:56 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Sphinx at 5:56 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's not like glitter or crossroads because jlo has been in movies before. And she's pretty good even when the movies suck.
posted by zutalors! at 6:19 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by zutalors! at 6:19 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
blucevalo: "Um -- isn't that what we say when we see most trailers?"
I dunno about "we", but as for "me", no, I don't think most of the trailers I see give away the entire plot of the movie.
posted by Bugbread at 7:08 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
I dunno about "we", but as for "me", no, I don't think most of the trailers I see give away the entire plot of the movie.
posted by Bugbread at 7:08 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
So is "I love your mother's cookies" the new "It must be weird, not having anybody cum on you"?
posted by bibliowench at 7:50 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by bibliowench at 7:50 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
JOHN CORBETT
ACTOR * ARTIST * FACE OF A CUCKOLD
Remember when it used to be Sam Neill? ALL of his movie wives were bound to stray. I remember being surprised by Jurassic Park just because no one cheated on him in it (flirting with Jeff Goldblum doesn't count).
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:53 AM on January 27, 2015
ACTOR * ARTIST * FACE OF A CUCKOLD
Remember when it used to be Sam Neill? ALL of his movie wives were bound to stray. I remember being surprised by Jurassic Park just because no one cheated on him in it (flirting with Jeff Goldblum doesn't count).
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:53 AM on January 27, 2015
The few times I saw the trailer for this I kept wondering, "What could be left to make a movie about? What could possibly happen in an hour and a half of film that hasn't been shown in this preview?"
Imagine my disappointment when this movie turned out not to be 110 minutes of two guys walking in silence. That would be this movie.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:01 AM on January 27, 2015
Imagine my disappointment when this movie turned out not to be 110 minutes of two guys walking in silence. That would be this movie.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:01 AM on January 27, 2015
James Marsden is my favorite example of this. Poor guy never manages to hold on to a significant other for a whole movie.
posted by nonasuch at 8:03 AM on January 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by nonasuch at 8:03 AM on January 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
I love movies that are so bad they're good.
Every decision to see a movie is a roll of the dice, but the "so bad it's good" gambit is riskier than most.
posted by Flexagon at 10:51 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Every decision to see a movie is a roll of the dice, but the "so bad it's good" gambit is riskier than most.
posted by Flexagon at 10:51 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why have they genderswapped Fatal attraction?
Also I suspect that this will be The Room levels of awful. I look forward to watching it with good friends, and alcohol
posted by Faintdreams at 12:21 PM on January 27, 2015
Also I suspect that this will be The Room levels of awful. I look forward to watching it with good friends, and alcohol
posted by Faintdreams at 12:21 PM on January 27, 2015
John Corbett will always be Chris Stevens to me, so this (admittedly, along with many of Corbett's other projects since the mid-90s) is pretty depressing.
Also, just in case we weren't all 100% clear on this, there is no such thing as AP Classics.
posted by naoko at 1:00 PM on January 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also, just in case we weren't all 100% clear on this, there is no such thing as AP Classics.
posted by naoko at 1:00 PM on January 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure if this movie is starting to sound good or if I'm just suffering from Helsinki Syndrome.
posted by ckape at 1:23 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ckape at 1:23 PM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
For those who were worried about the teacher/student angle, the Boy Next Door is 19 and did not finish high school and only returned to high school AFTER he starts stalking her after the affair. So the point where he transfers into the class seems like actually a pretty solid twist (relative to the scale on uses for movies like this) if you haven't seen the trailer.
That the movie went through pains to make this clear is actually weirdly comforting.
Source: something I read. I have not seen this movie. If this is incorrect, please let me know.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:56 PM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
That the movie went through pains to make this clear is actually weirdly comforting.
Source: something I read. I have not seen this movie. If this is incorrect, please let me know.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:56 PM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
(because God forbid someone thinks I'm the type of person who goes around spreading incorrect plot summaries of The Boy Next Door. I've got a reputation to protect.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:09 PM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:09 PM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
the Boy Next Door is 19 and did not finish high school and only returned to high school AFTER he starts stalking her after the affair...That the movie went through pains to make this clear is actually weirdly comforting.
Yeah that is actually pretty reassuring. I was kind of sketched out by the trailer's framing of things as "teacher fucks student, but like, it's totally not the teacher's fault and the plus the student is SO CRAZY, amirite?"
posted by naoko at 2:16 PM on January 27, 2015
Yeah that is actually pretty reassuring. I was kind of sketched out by the trailer's framing of things as "teacher fucks student, but like, it's totally not the teacher's fault and the plus the student is SO CRAZY, amirite?"
posted by naoko at 2:16 PM on January 27, 2015
Thanks for saying this. I couldn't find the right words. She's a teacher, he's a student, that's not okay on multiple levels.
I really expected to see more comments re: this point in here. Power dynamics aside, I can't help but feel that if the genders were reversed there'd be more people (here at least) having this sort of reaction. Equally squicky imo.
The "technically it's not illegal" angle doesn't sit right with me either. Why did they put him in highschool, and not have him getting a GED in college, if for no other reason than to fetishize the fact that this person is still in highschool? Is it supposed to be sexy? Ew.
...apart from that, this movie looks hilariously bad and I'd probably enjoy watching it on a sickday with a hot neocitran or something.
posted by Florian Biesik at 5:35 PM on January 27, 2015
I really expected to see more comments re: this point in here. Power dynamics aside, I can't help but feel that if the genders were reversed there'd be more people (here at least) having this sort of reaction. Equally squicky imo.
The "technically it's not illegal" angle doesn't sit right with me either. Why did they put him in highschool, and not have him getting a GED in college, if for no other reason than to fetishize the fact that this person is still in highschool? Is it supposed to be sexy? Ew.
...apart from that, this movie looks hilariously bad and I'd probably enjoy watching it on a sickday with a hot neocitran or something.
posted by Florian Biesik at 5:35 PM on January 27, 2015
Oh shoot, I confess I did not watch beyond the trailer. If I jumped to conclusions re: the student-teacher relationship... it just squicked me out that much. Apologies! <⁄sheepish>
posted by Florian Biesik at 5:44 PM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Florian Biesik at 5:44 PM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Florian Biesik, I think when, in discussion, one person makes totally reasonable assumptions based on the trailer to The Boy Next Door and the other has added input gleaned because he actively searched out articles about the movie, there is definitely call for someone to feel sheepish.
But that someone is definitely not you.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:40 AM on January 28, 2015
But that someone is definitely not you.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:40 AM on January 28, 2015
I'm not saying it's OK for her to have had sex with him as she's the teacher and he's the student, but there were some comments upthread calling her a rapist, which I disagree with since he's of age and it's consensual.
posted by zutalors! at 11:44 AM on January 28, 2015
posted by zutalors! at 11:44 AM on January 28, 2015
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posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:38 PM on January 26, 2015 [14 favorites]