WHAT HAPPENED ARE YOUR LITTLE BOOBIES LEAKING?

March 9, 2015 8:45 AM

Tales of Whoa: My attempt to document a lifetime of embarrassments and missteps. [via mefi projects]
posted by Anonymous (48 comments total)

“I’m just trying to keep the chapstick out of the hole”

I am laughing and crying and I want to hide under my desk. Holy fremdschämen Batman.
posted by sparklemotion at 9:03 AM on March 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

These are great, but I'm really about to write a macro that replaces "and" and "but" with periods, and maybe drop in commas randomly... It takes an obscene amount of effort for me to parse sentences containing absolutely nothing to break them up.
posted by MysticMCJ at 9:08 AM on March 9, 2015 [11 favorites]

Don't get me wrong, totally worth the parsing effort - "jimmy" and "three things" just put me in tears.
posted by MysticMCJ at 9:14 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

I've enjoyed all of them so far and then I got to Jolie and I too have been guilty of interacting with a stranger using information that they have no way of knowing I know for no reason other than that it's amusing to me to do so. Except now I'll be thinking twice about that every time from now on.
posted by komara at 9:15 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

I say this in the best way possible, but this reminds me of the writing style in Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian. In this case, it's with humor instead of graphic violence, yet retaining the existential despair of being on the wrong end of life.
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:24 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Joey Lawrence fans, prepare for disappointment.
posted by dr_dank at 9:42 AM on March 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

my nice dress also smells like goat cheese, and you more or less know why but it does involve fewer genital bashings.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:52 AM on March 9, 2015

Really wonderful, very funny insights.
posted by Oyéah at 9:56 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Having spent some time rereading TIME FOR SOME STORIES (self link because the old link I had is now a misdirected ad) this weekend, these are great in sort of the opposite way.
posted by maryr at 9:58 AM on March 9, 2015 [7 favorites]

Metafiler: Joey Lawrence fans, prepare for disappointment.
posted by maryr at 9:58 AM on March 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

That's my college roommate and the dude that introduced me to MeFi. Solid dude.
posted by The Michael The at 10:09 AM on March 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

Laughing so hard. Court St Trader Joe's.

Oh. Laughing.
posted by bilabial at 10:21 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Mildly amusing. Thanks. Also, is the annoying writing style required?
In addition, get off my lawn.
posted by spock at 10:27 AM on March 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

I read these last night and thought they were great. The writing style is a little head-melting when you're reading them one after the other, but I took them to be in the style of someone blurting out embarrassing anecdotes to people. "Omg this thing and then that thing and then he said and I wanted to die!"
posted by billiebee at 10:33 AM on March 9, 2015 [5 favorites]

You should definitely move out of Brooklyn though.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:14 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

All the parenting ones are very much in my wheelhouse.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:19 AM on March 9, 2015

"Three Things" got me good, too.
posted by GrapeApiary at 11:29 AM on March 9, 2015

I think I've met Obadiah Porkchop's beardy dad. YES, BUT CAN YOUR KID USE THE CAT WATER TO MAKE BREAKFAST YET? NO? I THOUGHT SO.
posted by lydhre at 11:39 AM on March 9, 2015

Is it possible for MeFi to help fund a subscription for this needy person to the Punctuation of the Month club?
posted by BlueHorse at 11:55 AM on March 9, 2015 [4 favorites]

Yeah, I've been seeing a similar underpunctuated style used on Twitter lately, as orthographic shorthand for "Ugh I'm feeling kinda awkward about this thing but fuck it I'm just gonna say the damn thing so uh yeah here goes."

Which I guess it's useful to have shorthand for, at least on Twitter, because that's already 113 characters right there.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:56 AM on March 9, 2015

The writing style is perfect and shouldn't change. He writes in the exact same way that I do when I am emailing (b/c god knows you can't do this in person over the phone) a friend to relate this kind of story. You need to get the story out but you also don't want to have to think about it at all lest you relive it in your mind so pausing to consider punctuation is right out.
posted by sparklemotion at 11:58 AM on March 9, 2015 [9 favorites]

People who are complaining about lack of punctuation: have you been on non-metafilter internet lately? It's all the rage and, as nebulawindphone says, often intended to convey awkwardness.

I found these hilarious. Like giggling-at-my-desk-but-trying-not-to-so-I-end-up-squeaking-which-is-definitely-more-attention-grabbing hilarious.
posted by lunasol at 11:59 AM on March 9, 2015 [4 favorites]

I mean, long tweets sometimes get underpunctuated anyway, regardless of tone, just because the writer needed to shave off a character or two.

But in fact I've sometimes found myself re-writing an already short tweet to remove some punctuation, just because fully punctuated it felt too formal and considered and not AUGH I AM HAVING FEELINGS ABOUT THIS enough.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:00 PM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

also oh fuck now i am far too conscious of my punctuation choices and it sort of feels like being aware of my own tongue
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:04 PM on March 9, 2015 [7 favorites]

The lack of punctuation makes it harder to read, so I didn't really read more than one or two.
posted by destructive cactus at 12:06 PM on March 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

Like giggling-at-my-desk-but-trying-not-to-so-I-end-up-squeaking-which-is-definitely-more-attention-grabbing hilarious.

And that's why I had to stop at the Ariana Huffington one. I'll save these for home - especially so I can make the type nice and big to read, which stops the punctuation being an issue for me.
posted by gladly at 12:19 PM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

These are wonderful.

As someone who lives in the neighborhood and regularly embarrasses myself in public, I hope I'm featured in one of these someday.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 12:24 PM on March 9, 2015

So good - all good (maybe Salt Spray especially).
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:37 PM on March 9, 2015

What is with the zeitgeist? This is very This Is Not Happening, except a lot more self-deprecating.
posted by dhartung at 12:51 PM on March 9, 2015

Neat idea. But the actual content has a lot more "OMG choads / homeless guys / tampons amirite?" than genuinely embarrassing moments or introspection. Seems like there's a missing entry on being a jerk to one's neighbors and then humble-bragging about it online.
posted by eotvos at 1:28 PM on March 9, 2015

Really? I thought it was more like a slapstick Camus by way of Larry David type of thing.
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:42 PM on March 9, 2015

Started reading, but the fremdscham kicked in too hard and I had to back out.
posted by tdismukes at 1:48 PM on March 9, 2015

now laughing hysterically at the idea of "i am currently obliviously tick-infested" being the new thing in Brooklyn Humblebrags
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:01 PM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

I totally get that it's supposed to be endearing but I read it and it reminds me of why punctuation exists and I just begin reading it in the voice of Maria Bamford's agent and it's a horrible gimmick and must be annihilated and I hate it I loathe it I abhor it and suddenly it's wonderful and gorgeous and the Spring and Christmas and at once it's repellent, it's a nightmare, a crime against grammar, an affront to writing in general and blogging in particular, a churlish gimmick best left to third graders' essays and Allen Ginsberg and oh god make it stop make it stop no more please
posted by ostranenie at 2:37 PM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

and that’s how I took on my alter ego of the guy who gets driven from Manhattan to shop at the Trader Joe’s on Court Street AKA history’s least relatable person.

Hahaha!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:49 PM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

a lot more "OMG choads / homeless guys / tampons amirite?" than genuinely embarrassing moments or introspection

I wasn't really looking for introspection and I'm mostly just enjoying how the well of "living in New York City is a psychotic experience" never really runs dry.

Plus come on, comic deftness like "the second-most embarrassing limo ride I’ve ever taken" is a thing of beauty.
posted by psoas at 3:30 PM on March 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

Is it possible for MeFi to help fund a subscription for this needy person to the Punctuation of the Month club?

Look, science has shown that some people only need one period a year now.
posted by maryr at 3:39 PM on March 9, 2015 [4 favorites]

Obadiah Porkchop is the name of my spirit animal's therapist.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 3:46 PM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE AND PENIS AND BUTT?”

I am so stealing that.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:48 PM on March 9, 2015

Well count me as a fan of the style. It builds momentum hilariously and reads like those punctuation-less, no caps emails you get from friends when something hillarible has happened to them and they just have to get it out as soon as possible so you can respond with the appropriate emoticons and/or your own stream of consciousness and then for just a moment you'll both feel less alone.
posted by yasaman at 5:44 PM on March 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

dumpy mound of beard and entitlement

Wow, an FPP about someone I know!
posted by Dip Flash at 6:15 PM on March 9, 2015

You can be a fan of the style, sure. But you're wrong. It's wrong and it's bad and you should feel wrong and bad for not liking it. You are a bad person because you like it and your favorite ________ suck(s). Also, hamburger.
posted by ostranenie at 7:36 PM on March 9, 2015

Why are the cashiers asking where s/he lives? I never did that when I rang up groceries; it seems creepy, kind of.
posted by MsDaniB at 7:42 PM on March 9, 2015

Really, “I’m just trying to keep the chapstick out of the hole” is the perfect phrase for any awkward silence, not just elevators.
posted by 445supermag at 9:44 PM on March 9, 2015

You can be a fan of the style, sure. But you're wrong. It's wrong and it's bad and you should feel wrong and bad for not liking it. You are a bad person because you like it and your favorite ________ suck(s).

Your argument is rendered unfit by your usage of punctuation and capitalization.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:05 PM on March 9, 2015

Why are the cashiers asking where s/he lives?

I find Trader Joe's cashiers can be much more inquisitive/intrusive than your typical grocery store cashiers. I think it's part of their whole "We're super perky and friendly" schtick. Personally, I wish they had a dedicated checkout line for "I'm having a bad day/long day/shitty year so please don't talk to me and if possible avoid all eye contact."

I would use that line always.
posted by litera scripta manet at 10:55 PM on March 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

Oh also, I loved all of these stories. I could not stop laughing at the Uniqlo one and the bad thing come in threes. Like, I was afraid I might wake up my roommate.

I'm usually a total stickler for grammar and punctuation, but I wasn't at all bothered by the writing style. Maybe I just spend too much time on the internet.
posted by litera scripta manet at 10:58 PM on March 9, 2015

Jeez, this is unbelievably flattering, thanks so much everyone. It's so exciting to have something I made posted on Metafilter!

maryr - You're absolutely right to bring up Dave Secretary, my stories are obviously very derivative of (and inferior to) his.

Hi Mike!
posted by saladin at 6:45 AM on March 10, 2015 [9 favorites]