I'm Getting Really Tired Of My Mysterious Flakey Friend

June 23, 2015 10:59 AM

Everyone has that one friend, the one you meet in college before you’re better at choosing friends. The one friend who’s simultaneously fun and exciting and overwhelming and unreliable. Jen is my flaky friend.
...
Once she wore an eyepatch for a month. Never explained why. Classic Jen.

She was a good friend, but her friendship was always a one-way street. She’d call you on the phone, or send you an email, or slip a letter into your shopping bag without you noticing. Inviting her places was a crapshoot; either she wouldn’t show or she would crawl in through the window hours after everybody else had left. Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from her for weeks, and then bam! She’d call me out of the blue to say I’ve got two tickets to the summer opening of the MoMa, do you wanna go? I’d always say yes, partly for the free stuff, and partly to hear her say You’re such a good friend.

It was flaky, but it was friendship. But even friendship has limits. [via mefi projects]
posted by filthy light thief (96 comments total)

Her friend sounds like an asshole.
posted by kurosawa's pal at 11:09 AM on June 23, 2015

It took me a minute...That's a good one, nice and dry...
posted by Annika Cicada at 11:10 AM on June 23, 2015 [13 favorites]

Everyone has a friend that, if they didn't exist, John Hughes would have to invent them.
posted by dr_dank at 11:10 AM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

The friend I had like that, turned out she was a secret alcoholic and dealing with serious childhood trauma she never told me about.
posted by jb at 11:14 AM on June 23, 2015 [8 favorites]

You never know what is happening behind someone's smile and goofiness.
posted by jb at 11:15 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

the best part of the toast article are all the people who commented without having read it, and i predict this will also be the best thing about this post.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:15 AM on June 23, 2015 [107 favorites]

This refers to a cultural thing I should recognize, I suspect.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 11:16 AM on June 23, 2015 [17 favorites]

the best part of the toast article are all the people who commented without having read it,

Actually, it sounds like most of them did read it, many of them twice.
posted by chavenet at 11:20 AM on June 23, 2015

This refers to a cultural thing I should recognize, I suspect.

There are the references you should recognize as general tropes, and others you could if you're aware of specific characters and their universes. The comments in the article and on the MeFi project post call some of them out, and I added a few as tags.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:22 AM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

Friends like these can really set you up. It sucks to be killed by such disappointment.
posted by Hutch at 11:22 AM on June 23, 2015 [12 favorites]

Re-reading this, I appreciate it even more and also I'm really worried about the cat.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:24 AM on June 23, 2015 [15 favorites]

This drawer's just full of slightly darker black turtlenecks
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 11:24 AM on June 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

This is really well-written and funny.

I'm so glad The Whelk is becoming a famous person, it's well-deserved.
posted by kate blank at 11:28 AM on June 23, 2015 [18 favorites]

Her friend sounds like an asshole.

For a mollusc, The Whelk has always seemed pretty good at signalling his maleness to the humans around him.
posted by howfar at 11:28 AM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]

Next up, Will Graham tells us about his flaky friend Hannibal.
posted by lagomorphius at 11:30 AM on June 23, 2015 [8 favorites]

I hope in a few months when I search for the tag 'SubtleAvengersFanfic' this will be the first of many posts.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 11:32 AM on June 23, 2015 [8 favorites]

Ok, I'll ask the dumb question: so her friend is a criminal mastermind and keeps trying to frame her? Is that it?
I'm not quite getting the point.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:34 AM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

On preview: oh, I know nothing about Avengers. Carry on.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:36 AM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

I am an old guy so sometimes things and references go right over my head straight to my kids. When I read this in projects, I really liked it (voted for it!) even without recognizing any of the fanfic references or inferences. This is a good article on its own.

Thanks TheWhelk.
posted by AugustWest at 11:36 AM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

No, her friend is an International Lady of Mystery, which includes specific references but also is a fun read as coming from the viewpoint of the (convenient?) friend of such a Mysterious Person.

Very well done, The Whelk, indeed.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:39 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm too embarrassed to admit I have no clue what this is referencing so I have decided it would be better off if I didn't comment in this thread.
posted by bondcliff at 11:40 AM on June 23, 2015 [17 favorites]

Somehow it took me all the way to the upside-down stamp before I realized something was up.
posted by BurntHombre at 11:44 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Irrational hatred... treacherous... "First correction, I am Swiss." Ohhhhhh
posted by Apocryphon at 11:45 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Wait, for a thing posted to MetaFilter, there is entirely too little information about the cat. Please go back and ad 2-3 adorable paragraphs. Thanks.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:46 AM on June 23, 2015 [10 favorites]

oh hey Whelk this friend of yours, this...Jen, she sounds a lot like my, ah, cousin. You wouldn't happen to have a recent address or any recent ca-razy nicknames she's been using, huh? I need to TRACK HER DOWN so...we can discuss what we're getting for grandma this Christmas.
posted by kagredon at 11:48 AM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]

Two people on the toast pointed out the one I thought was huge and obvious, the postage stamp from Charade/Truth About Charlie.

The cat is fine. It is living a life of successful cat burglary.

(And yes it took real restraint not to call them black tacticalnecks at the end there)
posted by The Whelk at 11:49 AM on June 23, 2015 [16 favorites]

and his name is Mister Fancy Britches.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:50 AM on June 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

This is hilarious.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 11:50 AM on June 23, 2015

This makes me want to read more Bandette.
posted by thecjm at 11:51 AM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

when i grow up i wanna be the whelk
posted by NoraReed at 11:53 AM on June 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

I strongly got Alias out of this, especially with the hair change comments. Very enjoyable, definitely one of those things you want to make people read before they see any of the comments.
posted by KirTakat at 11:56 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I would really, really like to see an annotated version of this, because even though I see a lot of the references, I'm sure there are others that go over my head (and that you all see different references than I do).
posted by anastasiav at 11:59 AM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

This is obviously what Natasha Romanoff was doing when she went off to find herself post-Captain America: Winter Soldier. I would read many thousands of words of this and/or watch many movies.

As a great parallel series, I would also read and/or watch the shit out of something that was just about post-Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes doing some slightly more literal finding himself while, like, taking a foods of the world tour of the US inspired by watching too much Food Network in the shitty motels he stays in while on the run from Hydra. So while Steve and Sam Wilson are on a grim quest to find him and take vengeance against Hydra, Bucky Barnes is having a nice relaxing quest to find the best taco truck in LA and recover his memories. He gets an instagram account and makes like he's an average twenty-something "just trying to figure some shit out, y'know?" He's not anyone's flaky friend, he's that guy fellow twenty-something travelers meet and think "He just seemed really sad and mysterious, you know? Like he'd been through some shit? I think he was a vet, trying to get his head straight after the war. Anyway he was really hot, I totally would have hit that, but he did not pick up on my signals at all. I still follow him on instagram though!"
posted by yasaman at 11:59 AM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]

Ahahaha, knowing nothing about The Avengers, I read this and thought "wow Jen is one heck of an eccentric alcoholic!" Reminded me of a friend.
posted by Matt Oneiros at 12:00 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

You don't actually need to have any current pop cultural knowledge at all to enjoy this, you just need to know that spies exist.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:01 PM on June 23, 2015 [20 favorites]

This is obviously what Natasha Romanoff was doing when she went off to find herself post-Captain America: Winter Soldier. I would read many thousands of words of this and/or watch many movies.


I am intrigued by the tragic/comic potential of Natasha trying to take a break from spy craft and just be but NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP HERSELF from getting caught up in like at least 3 international schemes at a time and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
posted by kagredon at 12:04 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

I should remember to look at tags.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 12:08 PM on June 23, 2015

although all the "not getting it" comments now make me wonder if there's a lot of spies/international criminals flying under the radar because their oblivious friends assume they're just kind of inconsiderate
posted by kagredon at 12:12 PM on June 23, 2015 [24 favorites]

This is obviously what Natasha Romanoff was doing when she went off to find herself post-Captain America: Winter Soldier. I would read many thousands of words of this and/or watch many movies.

After being initially confused about the Natasha you were talking about, it makes me wonder whether the writers of Black Canary meant her name to be a homage portmanteau of Natasha Fatale and Boris Badanov.
posted by rtimmel at 12:13 PM on June 23, 2015

Great little story with some cheekily fun references. My initial hope was that Jen's enigmatic appearances were the result of her being a hallucinatory alternate personality.

BTW if someone knows of a good-quality novel with a female TD-style character, I will pay you in gold and Turkish delight.
posted by The Zeroth Law at 12:13 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

The only reference which I think is actually obscure is changing the date of the huge American Natural History Museum jewel heist from 64 to 54 and shifting Modesty Blaise's knock name "Princess" to "contessa" to kind of split the difference between her and Diana Rigg's contessa in OHMSS - Mayday bar is off a riff on Grace Jone's Bing girl and is an actual (good!) cocktail bar in Florence.

The turtleneck line is a tribute to the ubiquity of the outfit in spy thrillers, and Agent Archer Sterling's obsession with them to the point of having claimed to invent them (also, his code name? duchess. layers man, layers.)
posted by The Whelk at 12:17 PM on June 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

>result of her being a hallucinatory alternate personality.

I thoughtt this was going to link to Femme Fatale TBH
posted by The Whelk at 12:19 PM on June 23, 2015

This was really well done. I got absolutely *none* of the references but still put it together at the end, and it still works great.
posted by doctor tough love at 12:30 PM on June 23, 2015

I thought it was Selina Kyle fanfic, given the references to purse swapping, jewels and cats. Not enough leather though, I guess.
posted by bonehead at 12:32 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Even as I was reading the first part of the article, I was still assuming Jen would turn out to be bipolar; and the story would get all dark and sad when she ended up dead, or in jail or an asylum. I'm glad I was wrong.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:49 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

kagredon: although all the "not getting it" comments now make me wonder if there's a lot of spies/international criminals flying under the radar because their oblivious friends assume they're just kind of inconsiderate

I think the flaky ones would get noticed more quickly than the quiet, bookish sorts who had some dull-sounding government job where they had to travel under the guise of going to work with other governments to establish new agricultural trade agreements or find a good translator and conference hall for a new embassy outreach effort. They'd come back and start talking about how hard it is to find someone who can translate agricultural lingo or understands the importance of the politics of seating arrangements, and you'd just start nodding and ask "did you have time to see the sites?" To which your friend would say "nope, maybe next time. This time it was all work. We had a really strict time table." You'd feel a bit sorry for your friend, always jetting around but never having fun, and then you'd think about something else, never prying farther into details of the trip.

I have a relative who we named "The Tosser." He is a relatively nondescript gentleman, quiet and considerate, but he has gone on a number of overseas government trips to help countries set up retirement systems or something. We joked that he was really a spy, but he laughed as if it were a silly thing to say. But we gave him the nickname when we had a chance to visit him while he was traveling for work. It all came together for us when we went to where was staying, and it was a dull apartment complex, but his apartment had someone else's name on the door, and the phone had an extra earpiece, so an extra person could listen in, or perhaps the person could record a conversation without having a tape recorder heard by the other party. Then he mentioned being stopped by customs somewhere for his salad serving utensils, which we assumed were his calling card. You know "we found the guy dead, neck snapped, a quick death. And there were salad tongs on his chest. We knew it must have been The Tosser." We all laughed even more this time, but he's older now, and we haven't really joked about that for a while.

Oh my god, I just realized that "setting up retirement plans" wasn't necessarily a lie, but a euphemism for contract killing.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:56 PM on June 23, 2015 [46 favorites]

Whelk, one of your comments on there mentioned this was inspired by a story a friend of yours told you about someone who would take off to different countries suddenly. A friend of mine told a similar story about her ex-boyfriend's dad. He'd take off to all these different countries with barely any warning. She said he visited practically every country that had some sort of revolution or major political issue (like every Arab Spring country, and some others) and whenever he'd come back from those countries they'd be in turmoil. This reminded me of that a lot even if I didn't get the references (I thought the turlenecks were because she was an art history snob, they're typically used as a stereotypical hipster trope e.g. the hipsters in the cartoon Mission Hill).
posted by gucci mane at 1:01 PM on June 23, 2015

I like The Whelk and I don't care who knows it.
posted by maxsparber at 1:04 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I hope this doesn't sound mean, but imma just say it: if you don't know jack about the Avengers or Black Widow (or whatever character this is about) I wouldn't suggest taking the time to read it.

It's not badly written, but it reads like an actual first person essay/character study and then it just kind of ends with a fizzle. (I assume that ending has a lot more punch if you're in on the joke.) Again, not trying to be a hater, and the problem is clearly that I was just not the right audience for this. But if somebody had told me upfront that it was a fanfic for some franchise I don't follow, I could have saved myself some time.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:12 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Oh, and I see the Avengers references in the tags over there, now. Serves me right for not looking them over first, but I was stuck in a doctor's waiting room and reading on my phone.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:15 PM on June 23, 2015

it was a fanfic for some franchise I don't follow

lucky for you it is not! so you can read it or not without having to worry.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:17 PM on June 23, 2015 [5 favorites]

Holy fuck, I missed the point of this entire article. face palms
Even down to the narrator's gender.
posted by kurosawa's pal at 1:21 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Again, not trying to be a hater, and the problem is clearly that I was just not the right audience for this. But if somebody had told me upfront that it was a fanfic for some franchise I don't follow, I could have saved myself some time.

yeah by my count there are approximately 1.5 explicit Black Widow references ("Natalie from legal" and Liho, potentially), shuffled in with references to a bunch of other things and some generic spy pastiche. There are all kinds of reasons you may not have enjoyed it but lacking obscure fan knowledge is not one of them.
posted by kagredon at 1:31 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Heeeeeey buddy" was totally Lana from season 1 of Archer.


Uh. Right?
posted by Thistledown at 1:33 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yeah: I also know fuck-all about The Avengers/ Black Widow, and I still thought this was magical. Yay, The Whelk!
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 1:40 PM on June 23, 2015

As a great parallel series, I would also read and/or watch the shit out of something that was just about post-Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes doing some slightly more literal finding himself while, like, taking a foods of the world tour of the US inspired by watching too much Food Network in the shitty motels he stays in while on the run from Hydra. So while Steve and Sam Wilson are on a grim quest to find him and take vengeance against Hydra, Bucky Barnes is having a nice relaxing quest to find the best taco truck in LA and recover his memories.

My housemate and I outlined a fic neither of us has written, in which Sam, Steve, and Nat are exhausting themselves traveling the world, following clues and and always just missing Bucky wherever they go, and in the evening, when they get back to whatever shitty place they're sleeping, they watch this live kitten cam for a cuteness break. And in the end it turns out that Bucky has been settled in Brooklyn the whole time, fostering kittens and working with mental health professionals, and it's his kitten cam they've been watching.
posted by not that girl at 1:56 PM on June 23, 2015 [8 favorites]

You don't actually need to have any current pop cultural knowledge at all to enjoy this, you just need to know that spies exist. - poffin boffin

My favorite is spyfic piece is Subnormality #162
posted by the man of twists and turns at 2:05 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

yeah by my count there are approximately 1.5 explicit Black Widow references ("Natalie from legal" and Liho, potentially)

Those are references I'm supposed to get, even if I don't pay much attention to the Marvel universe? (A quick Googling of "Natalie from legal" brings up some fanfiction and some totally unrelated stuff, with this Toast story as the second link. So even if I was determined to find out who the heck "Natalie from legal" was, it seems like I've got a little work to do.)

Some people are saying it's about Black Widow, some people are saying it's a riff on spy characters in general. In any case, it seems to be a collection of inside jokes for people who are into whatever the heck this thing is.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:09 PM on June 23, 2015

As I read this, I seriously thought it was about obnoxious hipster friends. You know, the ones that use retro cigarette holders, talk about that year they spent after college backpacking through Thailand, and throw parties where minor celebrities mingle with the local drag queens and bohemian artists? The ones who always seem to have money and never have a job?

Now I just realize that the only real difference between obnoxious hipster and international superspy is the arsenal. And maybe the drag queens.
posted by evilcupcakes at 2:13 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

I didn't get any of the inside jokes either, but the spy/heist tropes were pretty obvious, and I enjoyed it. It ain't your cup o' tea, and that's fine.
posted by KGMoney at 2:13 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

Those are references I'm supposed to get, even if I don't pay much attention to the Marvel universe?

No, like literally every other person in this thread has said, you don't need those references to get the overall joke. I'm not even sure if Liho was a deliberate reference, since having a black cat is not a terribly specific thing, but that panel is super cute and I will take any excuse to post it. Lighten up, Francis.*

(*"Lighten up, Francis" is a line said by Warren Oates's character in the 1981 movie Stripes. Here it is being used to indicate that I think you are being kind of self-serious about something that really doesn't warrant it.)
posted by kagredon at 2:16 PM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]

Heeeeeey buddy" was totally Lana from season 1 of Archer.


Maaaaybe

( the Black cat isn't an intentional specific reference, just a general, cat burgler/catwoman riff)
posted by The Whelk at 2:19 PM on June 23, 2015

I liked the precise behavioural observation of the body of the story more than I liked the trick ending.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:20 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Lighten up, Francis"

SEE i only know this from supernatural, this story is only for supernatural fans now.
posted by poffin boffin at 2:21 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

The "Natalie from legal" references Black Widow's alias in her first appearance in the MCU in Iron Man 2, when she was Tony Stark's new PA Natalie Rushman. It's just a little easter egg like all the other references to specific spies/catburglars.
posted by yasaman at 2:30 PM on June 23, 2015

Honestly, I don't watch spy movies, never mind avengers. It took me two reads and a hint by someone online to sort ofget what was going on.
My point in asking was not to shit on the story, I've just been dying to find out what I was missing ever since I read it on the Toast, and I was too shy to PM The Whelk, so I'm glad this was posted!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:33 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Here it is being used to indicate that I think you are being kind of self-serious about something that really doesn't warrant it.

"Self-serious" is kind of vague, and thus hard to defend myself against. But I've already spent longer on this thread than I spent reading the story, and my original point was that I kind of regretted spending my time on a story that was clearly an inside joke for people who are into things I'm not into. Other people apparently get something meaningful out of the climactic revelation that (spoiler warning!) this flighty young lady has a drawer full of black turtlenecks. Fine. Enjoy.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:02 PM on June 23, 2015

I'm a comic book person, albeit not a superhero reader, and I too had no idea what it was about until someone here said it was a marvel thing. That said, I have friends like this...I may *be* a friend like this on some days. Oh dear, I've said too much, haven't I?
posted by dejah420 at 3:03 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

This is obviously thinly veiled memoir. Deplorable.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:07 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I enjoyed it in one way the first time I read it, and then I got the joke and started over, enjoying it in an entirely different way. That's a pretty neat trick.

(also I know nothing about the Avengers and it is still clever if you have absorbed any media featuring spies made since, like, 1960?)
posted by buriednexttoyou at 4:50 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: it seems to be a collection of inside jokes for people who are into whatever the heck this thing is.
posted by happyroach at 5:15 PM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]

I have deliberately avoided any movies involving people in capes who are not Jack the Ripper, and still thoroughly enjoyed this piece about the oblivious guy and his jet-setting art thief friend who plays him like a fiddle. Sometimes you don't have to get the intended meaning of a story to really, really like it.

Also:

“He-e-e-ey buddy”

I read this in Pauly Shore's voice, which made me shout-laugh.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 5:31 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm not implying that somebody would have to be an idiot to enjoy the story. I'd appreciate it if folks returned the favor for those of us who didn't get/enjoy it.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:11 PM on June 23, 2015

yeah, I'm pretty confused too...obviously she's a spy. But I still don't get the ending.
posted by serena15221 at 6:42 PM on June 23, 2015

I put this in weensy-text because spoilers and I can't remember the mouseover thing. Sorry to anyone using a text-to-speech but ISTR that rot13 is verboten?

After altering her appearance to appear more like the author, Jen sent the author to go "feed the cat" so that the Russians she heard would kill her and think it was Jen.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:28 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]

He'd take off to all these different countries with barely any warning. She said he visited practically every country that had some sort of revolution or major political issue (like every Arab Spring country, and some others) and whenever he'd come back from those countries they'd be in turmoil.

He sounds like the male equivalent of War from Good Omens.

Anyway, flaky friends be flaky. You gotta learn that they're there only when they want to be, take them as they are, and never buy them refundable tickets. Only drop-in shit on the spur of the moment for those folks.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:05 PM on June 23, 2015

Manic pixie dream friend! (And yeah, I didn't get what it was about, either, but it was good anyway.)
posted by limeonaire at 8:15 PM on June 23, 2015

So far no one's pinged on the asymmetrical earrings but that's more a heist/thief reference.
posted by The Whelk at 8:37 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Holy fuck, I missed the point of this entire article. face palms
Even down to the narrator's gender.

Well, maybe you didn't get the gender wrong? As far as I can tell, the gender of the narrator is never explicitly defined. It seems like people are assuming the narrator is a man because of the male byline, but that's not necessarily the case. I saw the narrator as a woman in my first reading, but re-reading it, I could just as easily see the narrator as a man.

The Whelk, was the ambiguity of the narrator something you were going for?
posted by mokin at 8:51 PM on June 23, 2015

Is this the story about Cap and Tony on the couch
posted by shakespeherian at 8:53 PM on June 23, 2015

do you mean the one where they're watching say yes to the dress
posted by poffin boffin at 8:57 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I figured the writer of the piece was a woman so the last stinger made sense but I also didn't want to make it explicit -- the fact that it would be that ambiguous didn't actually occur to me until it was posted and people assumed it was a dude cause byline..
posted by The Whelk at 9:51 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

Is this the story about Cap and Tony on the couch

That was super romantic shut your mouth.
posted by The Whelk at 9:52 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

The Whelk is fast becoming my favourite comedic author without opposable thumbs.
posted by But tomorrow is another day... at 10:13 PM on June 23, 2015

(also, this was a continuation in theme of I'm Getting Really Tired of Living In This Quaint English Village)
posted by The Whelk at 11:19 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

My flaky friend always introduces himself by last name and is very particular about his drinks. He frequently refers to his girlfriends by porn names, but he's too classy to be sleeping with actual prostitutes, I think. I think he works in a family business or something, always jetting off across the world at his aging mother's behest. He did teach me to be impeccably dressed at all times, so I guess he imparted some life wisdom in me.
posted by simen at 12:34 AM on June 24, 2015

> Her friend sounds like an asshole.

For a mollusc, The Whelk has always seemed pretty good at signalling his maleness to the humans around him.

It's fiction, right? It works better if the protagonist is a woman who looks roughly like the cat burglar (selected for that reason). "Because we’re about the same height and weight [...]" and "The only unusual thing about it was that she’d recently cut and colored her hair more like mine." and so on. The sort of woman who could be left holding the bag when the cat burglar vanished.
posted by pracowity at 12:35 AM on June 24, 2015 [4 favorites]

also, I would appreciate one about a collector of rare old books from Providence, Rhode Island
posted by simen at 12:51 AM on June 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

I really enjoyed this and haven't yet read any writings from TheWhelk that didn't improve my day.

Bravo.
posted by Faintdreams at 6:42 AM on June 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

also, I would appreciate one about a collector of rare old books from Providence, Rhode Island

I would be happy to consult on the grad student who accidentally finds herself working in a mad scientist/evil villain's lab. She'd probably just think they had DOD funding.
posted by maryr at 8:20 AM on June 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

"They're screaming let us go but I'm like, you signed the release mouthy test subject."
posted by The Whelk at 9:42 AM on June 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Amount of stuff I know about the Black Widow: She is a Marvel character that exists and I guess she is a secret agent or something I dunno, the last piece of superhero stuff I bought from Marvel was the omnibusses of Kirby's Fourth World.

Amount that I enjoyed this story: I giggled a lot starting about a third of the way through when it became obvious to me that the narrator's friend was a cat burglar or a secret agent or something and that the narrator was completely oblivious to this fact.

I keep on finding myself flirting with the Cat Burglar Arts. I think the universe is setting me up for a twisted reveal that I am secretly the narrator's friend and I'm somehow oblivious to this.
posted by egypturnash at 12:09 PM on June 24, 2015

"Turns out she was a spy," John said, whelkishly.
posted by ostranenie at 6:06 AM on June 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

It's fiction, right? It works better if the protagonist is a woman who looks roughly like the cat burglar (selected for that reason).

I'm so glad I'm not the only one here who's like, "Why does everyone keep saying spy when it's obvious she's a cat burglar/art thief?"
posted by psoas at 3:19 PM on June 25, 2015

It's fiction, right? It works better if the protagonist is a woman who looks roughly like the cat burglar (selected for that reason).

I think you're probably right. I assumed that the protagonist was a man, just because it's non gendered and the author is male, but I think the better reading is that the protagonist is female, at least from the hair thing. I did feel, however, like I got and liked the general joke without quite grasping the specifics, so my agreement on this point is possibly not worth much.
posted by howfar at 4:36 PM on June 25, 2015

The ultimate inspiration for this, the Archer Spec Script I wrote , is available here

"Totally brother touching!"
posted by The Whelk at 10:53 PM on July 21, 2015 [1 favorite]