“...in which he repeatedly referred to the penis area as “down there.”
May 31, 2016 3:35 PM Subscribe
The Many Ways The Media Gets Around Saying [Groin] By Kyle Wagner [FiveThirtyEight] It’s the oldest laugh in sports: Some poor schmoe takes a sports ball to the crotch, keels over and, once we’re reasonably sure no lasting damage has been done, the TV announcers deadpan some dad jokes while the camera pans around to giggling teammates. It’s as much a familiar sports yuk as other not-all-that-uncommon oddities, like a field player on the mound or the fat guy touchdown, only with funnier GIFs. At least, that’s how things work when the hit comes in a relatively low-stakes setting. But what happens when the stakes are raised? And just as important, when reporters are forced to write about sportsmen kicking each other in the nuts, what do they write? This week has provided some answers.
It's childish but I'll be honest. I still laugh every time I think about the fact that for 8 years the United States had a House Majority Leader named: 'Dick Armey'.
posted by Fizz at 3:39 PM on May 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Fizz at 3:39 PM on May 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
Finally! A place for me to appropriately link to my favorite NHL commentary of all time!:
"He sticks out his leg like a goaltender and...uh...well, from the second angle it doesn't look to me like it hit the knee."
"I said he got it in a bad spot."
"Not his knee, maybe his 'wee knee?'"
posted by joan cusack the second at 3:50 PM on May 31, 2016 [24 favorites]
"He sticks out his leg like a goaltender and...uh...well, from the second angle it doesn't look to me like it hit the knee."
"I said he got it in a bad spot."
"Not his knee, maybe his 'wee knee?'"
posted by joan cusack the second at 3:50 PM on May 31, 2016 [24 favorites]
There's a famous piece of BBC cricket commentary describing a player being accidentally hit in the groin when the over was very nearly finished. "He's getting up now," the commentator assures listeners. "One ball left."
posted by Paul Slade at 3:52 PM on May 31, 2016 [26 favorites]
posted by Paul Slade at 3:52 PM on May 31, 2016 [26 favorites]
Finally! A place for me to appropriately link to my favorite NHL commentary of all time
I'm so glad I waited three minutes for someone else to post that link -- I knew if it wasn't referenced in TFA, someone would share it here. Instead I watched it twice over and laughed hysterically at home.
posted by none of these will bring disaster at 3:54 PM on May 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm so glad I waited three minutes for someone else to post that link -- I knew if it wasn't referenced in TFA, someone would share it here. Instead I watched it twice over and laughed hysterically at home.
posted by none of these will bring disaster at 3:54 PM on May 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
"He pulled a groin! His own we hope."
posted by octobersurprise at 3:54 PM on May 31, 2016
posted by octobersurprise at 3:54 PM on May 31, 2016
Our stupid cultural baggage about genitalia is enraging. Knee, breast, elbow, penis, vulva. Just body parts! Argh.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:55 PM on May 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:55 PM on May 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm more concerned about the fact that CBS Sports discussed anybody's "groin" 22 times in a week. Just what kind of analysis are they doing over there?
posted by zachlipton at 3:55 PM on May 31, 2016
posted by zachlipton at 3:55 PM on May 31, 2016
Barney's movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin.
posted by AndrewInDC at 4:07 PM on May 31, 2016 [17 favorites]
posted by AndrewInDC at 4:07 PM on May 31, 2016 [17 favorites]
The Netherlands.
posted by Artw at 4:07 PM on May 31, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by Artw at 4:07 PM on May 31, 2016 [7 favorites]
groin. you bastards. groin. this was the most humiliating moment of my time in secondary (high, uk) school. a biology test where one of the questions was "where are the male genitals?" and i answered "groin". an answer so apparently fucking hilarious the (attractive, female) teacher read it out to the whole fucking class. groin. groin. groin. everyone laughing at me. you bastards. it is not the groin. it is "between the legs". fuckers.
posted by andrewcooke at 4:08 PM on May 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by andrewcooke at 4:08 PM on May 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
"Not his knee, maybe his 'wee knee?'"
The best part is how they go silent because they're obviously covering their mics while cracking up. The play-by-play comes back before they fully recover so they have to try to get it together.
posted by Existential Dread at 4:16 PM on May 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
The best part is how they go silent because they're obviously covering their mics while cracking up. The play-by-play comes back before they fully recover so they have to try to get it together.
posted by Existential Dread at 4:16 PM on May 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
My favorite instance of this was ACC football official Ron Cherry assessing a personal foul for a brutal nut punching by saying, "He was giving him the business."
That man is a national treasure. He basically makes up his own hand signals for the more obscure penalties. Fun to watch.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 4:17 PM on May 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
That man is a national treasure. He basically makes up his own hand signals for the more obscure penalties. Fun to watch.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 4:17 PM on May 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
feckless fecal fear mongering: "Our stupid cultural baggage about genitalia is enraging. Knee, breast, elbow, penis, vulva. Just body parts! Argh."
Well, if it helps your rage issues, it's not like just about every other culture has various sorts of baggage and taboo regarding body parts. Sometimes the same body parts, sometimes others.
posted by barnacles at 4:17 PM on May 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
Well, if it helps your rage issues, it's not like just about every other culture has various sorts of baggage and taboo regarding body parts. Sometimes the same body parts, sometimes others.
posted by barnacles at 4:17 PM on May 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
too much groin, not enough loins
posted by karayel at 4:21 PM on May 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by karayel at 4:21 PM on May 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Deadspin carries both “dick” and “balls,” frequently daisying the two as a complex noun.
He was kicked in the dickballs?
posted by Existential Dread at 4:21 PM on May 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
He was kicked in the dickballs?
posted by Existential Dread at 4:21 PM on May 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
In baseball I've been noticing a lot of "in a very uncomfortable place," "got hit where you don't want to get hit," and their ilk recently. If they have to be indirect, I prefer this approach — periphrasis rather than euphemism.
posted by RogerB at 4:32 PM on May 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by RogerB at 4:32 PM on May 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
Oh man, that link about Trump calling Cruz a "pussy" is absolutely structured with a punchline at the end. Nicely played, Time.
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:39 PM on May 31, 2016
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:39 PM on May 31, 2016
should be noted that the only giggling done are by those who don't own said equipment. Men/ boys know very. very early that it IS NOT a yuk yuk....."we" all feel the pain. This is universal.
posted by shockingbluamp at 4:40 PM on May 31, 2016
posted by shockingbluamp at 4:40 PM on May 31, 2016
the only giggling done are by those who don't own said equipment
Boycott the powerful, bullying female comedians, studio executives, and audiences who are responsible for the violent misandry of "Ow! My Balls"
posted by RogerB at 4:52 PM on May 31, 2016 [23 favorites]
Boycott the powerful, bullying female comedians, studio executives, and audiences who are responsible for the violent misandry of "Ow! My Balls"
posted by RogerB at 4:52 PM on May 31, 2016 [23 favorites]
"in a very uncomfortable place,"
the back seat of a Volvo?
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 5:06 PM on May 31, 2016 [18 favorites]
the back seat of a Volvo?
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 5:06 PM on May 31, 2016 [18 favorites]
"Boycott the powerful, bullying female comedians, studio executives, and audiences who are responsible for the violent misandry of "Ow! My Balls""
Or as I like to call it, "America's Funniest Home Videos."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:19 PM on May 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Or as I like to call it, "America's Funniest Home Videos."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:19 PM on May 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
Or as, the now deprecated, Bill Cosby put it:
I've been hit in the You'd better not touch certain areas of your body while you're out there on the field.
posted by ericales at 6:13 PM on May 31, 2016
I've been hit in the You'd better not touch certain areas of your body while you're out there on the field.
posted by ericales at 6:13 PM on May 31, 2016
The Nether Regions is a pretty encompassing term for both genders...
posted by jim in austin at 6:32 PM on May 31, 2016
posted by jim in austin at 6:32 PM on May 31, 2016
Related (and worthwhile) article: When will cricket have the balls not to call it the ‘groin region’?
posted by Hartster at 6:57 PM on May 31, 2016
posted by Hartster at 6:57 PM on May 31, 2016
I'm more concerned about the fact that CBS Sports discussed anybody's "groin" 22 times in a week. Just what kind of analysis are they doing over there?
no see the analysis is in the back
should be noted that the only giggling done are by those who don't own said equipment. Men/ boys know very. very early that it IS NOT a yuk yuk....."we" all feel the pain. This is universal.
I am a cis male. I have a penis and testicles. Other people with the same equipment getting sacked can, indeed, be very funny. Your experiences are not universal.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:43 PM on May 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
no see the analysis is in the back
should be noted that the only giggling done are by those who don't own said equipment. Men/ boys know very. very early that it IS NOT a yuk yuk....."we" all feel the pain. This is universal.
I am a cis male. I have a penis and testicles. Other people with the same equipment getting sacked can, indeed, be very funny. Your experiences are not universal.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:43 PM on May 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
I came to post the Wee Knee video. That is truly sublime. It's all downhill for our culture after that.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:48 PM on May 31, 2016
posted by kevinbelt at 7:48 PM on May 31, 2016
I heard this one during a cricket match:
"And there will be no dancing in ... the ballroom ... tonight"
The hesitation and the final commitment were perfect.
posted by adept256 at 8:12 PM on May 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
"And there will be no dancing in ... the ballroom ... tonight"
The hesitation and the final commitment were perfect.
posted by adept256 at 8:12 PM on May 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
should be noted that the only giggling done are by those who don't own said equipment. Men/ boys know very. very early that it IS NOT a yuk yuk....."we" all feel the pain. This is universal.
No it is not. I find crotch shots very amusing, and always have, including the ones that happened to me (though they were also very painful) before I had my balls cut off. In fact, I'm probably in a better position than anyone else to tell you that having balls or not does nothing to affect the humour of a crotch shot.
posted by Dysk at 1:13 AM on June 1, 2016
No it is not. I find crotch shots very amusing, and always have, including the ones that happened to me (though they were also very painful) before I had my balls cut off. In fact, I'm probably in a better position than anyone else to tell you that having balls or not does nothing to affect the humour of a crotch shot.
posted by Dysk at 1:13 AM on June 1, 2016
IIRC, it was an Australian Rules football commentator who coined the term “the groinal area”
posted by acb at 4:05 AM on June 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by acb at 4:05 AM on June 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Tight End Vernon Davis had opinions on the matter, but unfortunately deleted the tweet.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 5:23 AM on June 1, 2016
posted by Huffy Puffy at 5:23 AM on June 1, 2016
It gets even better when you mix in the bizarre way that commentators discuss injuries in the NFL, which they all apparently subconsciously cribbed from Al Michaels. I will never get tired of an enthusiastic talking head on ESPN telling us with a straight face that player X, who pulled a muscle last week, is "out with a groin."
posted by Mayor West at 5:38 AM on June 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Mayor West at 5:38 AM on June 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
In baseball I've been noticing a lot of "in a very uncomfortable place," "got hit where you don't want to get hit," and their ilk recently. If they have to be indirect, I prefer this approach — periphrasis rather than euphemism.
This is how Joe Castiglione handled Caleb Joseph's unfortunate foul ball(s). He kept playing, but apparently it was bad enough to require surgery, and he's DL for at least fifteen days.
posted by zamboni at 7:41 AM on June 1, 2016
This is how Joe Castiglione handled Caleb Joseph's unfortunate foul ball(s). He kept playing, but apparently it was bad enough to require surgery, and he's DL for at least fifteen days.
posted by zamboni at 7:41 AM on June 1, 2016
WHY WASN'T HE WEARING A CUP
I mean, if I were squatting with my legs spread open while someone prepares to lob something at me at ~140 km/h, I'd be insisting on plate armour
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:47 AM on June 1, 2016
I mean, if I were squatting with my legs spread open while someone prepares to lob something at me at ~140 km/h, I'd be insisting on plate armour
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:47 AM on June 1, 2016
What on earth would make you think he wasn't wearing a cup? Of course he was.
posted by RogerB at 10:27 AM on June 1, 2016
posted by RogerB at 10:27 AM on June 1, 2016
Why don't cups protect against the very thing they're supposed to be protecting against then?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:37 AM on June 1, 2016
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:37 AM on June 1, 2016
FFFM: I'd imagine (not being the owner of said equipment) that it's like wearing a helmet: it prevents direct injury, but it still dangerous to get hit on the helmet with a 90 mph fastball. Better than a direct hit to soft tissue, still damn bad.
posted by corvikate at 10:44 AM on June 1, 2016
posted by corvikate at 10:44 AM on June 1, 2016
They do. There's only so much polycarbonate can do to resist a 100 mph fastball.
posted by NoxAeternum at 10:45 AM on June 1, 2016
posted by NoxAeternum at 10:45 AM on June 1, 2016
In that case I propose a piece of 2" thick steel between the catcher's legs
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:58 AM on June 1, 2016
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:58 AM on June 1, 2016
...Whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson
Johnson?
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 2:50 PM on June 1, 2016
Johnson?
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 2:50 PM on June 1, 2016
In that case I propose a piece of 2" thick steel between the catcher's legs
Hey now, buy a gent dinner first.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 2:52 PM on June 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hey now, buy a gent dinner first.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 2:52 PM on June 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Johnson?
e.g.- Police Academy:
Chief Hurnst: They all used to be the right color, the right height, the right weight. And they all had Johnsons, Lassard!
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Johnsons?
Chief Hurnst: You know...
[motions to his groin]
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Oh, yes.
Chief Hurnst: There were Johnsons as far as the eye can see.
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Yes. And what a lovely sight it was.
posted by MtDewd at 9:22 AM on June 2, 2016
e.g.- Police Academy:
Chief Hurnst: They all used to be the right color, the right height, the right weight. And they all had Johnsons, Lassard!
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Johnsons?
Chief Hurnst: You know...
[motions to his groin]
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Oh, yes.
Chief Hurnst: There were Johnsons as far as the eye can see.
Cmndt. Eric Lassard: Yes. And what a lovely sight it was.
posted by MtDewd at 9:22 AM on June 2, 2016
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posted by NoxAeternum at 3:37 PM on May 31, 2016 [2 favorites]