Hikea
August 10, 2016 5:20 PM Subscribe
Building Ikea furniture is hard. Building it under the influence is much, much harder.
Ikea assembly is not actually hard, but a few things make assembly (not under the influence) harder than it needs to be:
1) the instructions are more or less language free so if your predisposition is not towards visual learning that can be a hurdle
2) sometimes bits are just missing
3) sometimes there are extra unnecessary bits which can introduce confusion
posted by juv3nal at 5:36 PM on August 10, 2016 [8 favorites]
1) the instructions are more or less language free so if your predisposition is not towards visual learning that can be a hurdle
2) sometimes bits are just missing
3) sometimes there are extra unnecessary bits which can introduce confusion
posted by juv3nal at 5:36 PM on August 10, 2016 [8 favorites]
oh my god why would you take acid and assemble furniture? might as well take acid and prepare your taxes.
posted by indubitable at 5:36 PM on August 10, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by indubitable at 5:36 PM on August 10, 2016 [15 favorites]
I think if you've ever built lego sets ikea furniture is easy. Ikea furniture is also nice because you can take it apart and move with it.
posted by Ferreous at 5:36 PM on August 10, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Ferreous at 5:36 PM on August 10, 2016 [10 favorites]
Saturday I broke one of my kid's book cases while trying to move the rug out from under it. After looking at the selection at target, my wife suggested we go to Ikea - which is a drive away. Two hours later, I'm loading two loft beds for my kids (one did have a built in bookshelf) into the car. Sunday, I spent 11 hours and two gallons of water (it was hot), clearing out their old beds, cleaning the floors of their rooms (thoroughly) and building two loft beds (and - unsurprisingly, another bookshelf).
It wasn't hard work - but the fever dreams did set in probably at hour 7. I can't even imagine trying to work my way through the diagrams while tripping... that is the path to insanity...
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:41 PM on August 10, 2016 [14 favorites]
It wasn't hard work - but the fever dreams did set in probably at hour 7. I can't even imagine trying to work my way through the diagrams while tripping... that is the path to insanity...
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:41 PM on August 10, 2016 [14 favorites]
measure twice, cut once.)
If you're getting the saw out, you're probably doing Ikea wrong.
posted by octothorpe at 5:45 PM on August 10, 2016 [95 favorites]
If you're getting the saw out, you're probably doing Ikea wrong.
posted by octothorpe at 5:45 PM on August 10, 2016 [95 favorites]
Yeah, one of the nice things is that unless you make a horrible mistake and force something, you should be able to undo anything you do wrong. I've disassembled and reassembled some of my IKEA furniture 6+ times now. (Similar with moving it --- as long as you fully disassemble it every time, its pretty reliable IMHO, I've never had a piece die on me and some of my pieces are 19 years old now).
Every once in a while I've looked at getting "real" furniture, see the price tag, and turn around back to IKEA.
posted by thefoxgod at 5:52 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Every once in a while I've looked at getting "real" furniture, see the price tag, and turn around back to IKEA.
posted by thefoxgod at 5:52 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm reminded of an article which has made a few laps around the internet, showing a series of pictures of spiders' webs made by spiders which had been given various drugs. The mescaline one was weirdly precise and geometrical, the caffeine one is a jittery mess, etc.
I think they should do the same thing only with people and IKEA furniture. For science.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 5:52 PM on August 10, 2016 [11 favorites]
I think they should do the same thing only with people and IKEA furniture. For science.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 5:52 PM on August 10, 2016 [11 favorites]
Ikea furniture is also nice because you can take it apart and move with it.
I want your IKEA furniture. In my experience, you build it once, and any subsequent attempts to disassemble and reassemble result in piles of bowed, splintered, and chewed pressboard ending in tears, frustration, and a visit from Bulky Item Collection.
posted by mykescipark at 5:53 PM on August 10, 2016 [38 favorites]
I want your IKEA furniture. In my experience, you build it once, and any subsequent attempts to disassemble and reassemble result in piles of bowed, splintered, and chewed pressboard ending in tears, frustration, and a visit from Bulky Item Collection.
posted by mykescipark at 5:53 PM on August 10, 2016 [38 favorites]
When I moved house I had very lovely friends working hard to assemble my ikea dining set when we decided it was really hot and I was tasked with assembling the floor fan. The instructions had WORDS. I can handle assembling ikea stuff after a few glasses of wine but reading paragraphs of weirdly translated instructions just broke me. And there was no image of the little person throwing their hands up in despair (I can relate to you, little cartoon person!!) to cheer me up.
posted by kitten magic at 5:56 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by kitten magic at 5:56 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
There is something about assembling Ikea furniture that inspires all manner of silly behavior. Last time I had to do it my friends and I made every possible stupid screw double entendre you could possibly make and just about fell through my apartment floor laughing. Later we decided there needed to be an Ikea studies dissertation titled "Can You Hold my Nuts While I Screw Your Rack?: Ikea Furniture Assemblage as Sexual Metaphor."
posted by ActionPopulated at 5:58 PM on August 10, 2016 [25 favorites]
posted by ActionPopulated at 5:58 PM on August 10, 2016 [25 favorites]
Measure twice, cut once.
Interestingly, the etymology of this phrase doesn't come, as one would expect, from the building trades. Surprisingly, it comes from a much more rustic place, the humble bar fight.
You see, you measure twice, that is you take your opponents measure, twice. The first time you're angry, so usually you're thinking "I can take this asshole!"
The smart fighter takes his measure again, in a more realistic light.
That's when he takes out his knife and cuts once.
The world is a funny old place...
posted by evilDoug at 6:12 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]
Interestingly, the etymology of this phrase doesn't come, as one would expect, from the building trades. Surprisingly, it comes from a much more rustic place, the humble bar fight.
You see, you measure twice, that is you take your opponents measure, twice. The first time you're angry, so usually you're thinking "I can take this asshole!"
The smart fighter takes his measure again, in a more realistic light.
That's when he takes out his knife and cuts once.
The world is a funny old place...
posted by evilDoug at 6:12 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]
4) You can avoid stripping all of the screws by using the right screwdriver. All Ikea screws are Pozidriv, using a phillips bit will strip out the screw head. If you try to use a power drill to drive screws, you will strip out the particle board or plastic that you are screwing into. Do it by hand or use a power screwdriver with the torque at its lowest setting.
posted by peeedro at 6:15 PM on August 10, 2016 [20 favorites]
posted by peeedro at 6:15 PM on August 10, 2016 [20 favorites]
IKEA furniture is so hard to assemble! Airplane food is TERRIBLE! WOMEN can't DRIVE!
Also, the fact that IKEA furniture can be disassembled is entirely incidental — they've made it clear on multiple occasions that their furniture is designed to be assembled and left assembled. In fact, a dab of wood glue on each nail or peg makes their stuff pretty solid indeed, once you commit to the fact that their stuff is designed to stay assembled forever.
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:15 PM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
Also, the fact that IKEA furniture can be disassembled is entirely incidental — they've made it clear on multiple occasions that their furniture is designed to be assembled and left assembled. In fact, a dab of wood glue on each nail or peg makes their stuff pretty solid indeed, once you commit to the fact that their stuff is designed to stay assembled forever.
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:15 PM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
might as well take acid and prepare your taxes.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
posted by ostranenie at 6:18 PM on August 10, 2016 [18 favorites]
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
posted by ostranenie at 6:18 PM on August 10, 2016 [18 favorites]
*takes acid*
AIRPLANES can't DRIVE! WOMEN are hard to assemble! IKEA FURNITURE is TERRIBLE!
he treats OBJECTS like WOMEN
posted by ostranenie at 6:21 PM on August 10, 2016 [37 favorites]
AIRPLANES can't DRIVE! WOMEN are hard to assemble! IKEA FURNITURE is TERRIBLE!
he treats OBJECTS like WOMEN
posted by ostranenie at 6:21 PM on August 10, 2016 [37 favorites]
That's when he takes out his knife and cuts once.
posted by evilDoug at 6:12 PM on August 10
Potentially eponysterical, dependent on context.
posted by ostranenie at 6:23 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by evilDoug at 6:12 PM on August 10
Potentially eponysterical, dependent on context.
posted by ostranenie at 6:23 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
I want your IKEA furniture. In my experience, you build it once, and any subsequent attempts to disassemble and reassemble result in piles of bowed, splintered, and chewed pressboard ending in tears, frustration, and a visit from Bulky Item Collection.
The MDF stuff doesn't like to be taken apart and reassembled (at least not very many times), but the solid wood furniture comes apart and goes back together just fine. I wish IKEA made furniture out of reasonable plywood, which they used to do, but don't really any more.
posted by ssg at 6:23 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]
The MDF stuff doesn't like to be taken apart and reassembled (at least not very many times), but the solid wood furniture comes apart and goes back together just fine. I wish IKEA made furniture out of reasonable plywood, which they used to do, but don't really any more.
posted by ssg at 6:23 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]
Ikea is Swedish for divorce.
posted by taff at 6:34 PM on August 10, 2016 [17 favorites]
posted by taff at 6:34 PM on August 10, 2016 [17 favorites]
Well, yeah – if you take "IKEA furniture" to mean "IKEA furniture made out of cardboard and MDF", then of course it's not going to hold up well to moves and (dis|re)assembly. But that's not because it's IKEA furniture; it's because it's made of freakin' cardboard and MDF. That's why it's $60 for a giant bookshelf. Spring for solid wood (pine is generally the cheapest), and you'll be fine.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:45 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:45 PM on August 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
Back in my younger, pre-empowered days, when I didn't have the knowledge or experience to fix things myself, I woke up one morning to a dead car battery. I knew enough to know that it needed a jump. I did not know how to make that happen. I was staying at a girlfriend's apartment, and my best plan was to wait until her roommate and the roommate's boyfriend came home from their all-night bender.
They came in mid-morning, and I was greatly relieved, because now there was a MAN on the premises who could CONNECT CABLES and SOLVE THINGS!!
What I didn't know was how high he was on acid, and for how long he had been tripping. So I took him out to my car. I propped open the hood. He and I both stood there, hands on hips, in companionable and collaborative silence, contemplating the plan of attack. And finally he says -- and I am pre-emptively relieved, because here cometh wisdom -- he says, "Dude. The shapes in this engine are _totally organic_."
That was my watershed moment, my friends. Bring me something broken. I probably know how to fix it. I learned pretty early on that I would need to.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:46 PM on August 10, 2016 [81 favorites]
They came in mid-morning, and I was greatly relieved, because now there was a MAN on the premises who could CONNECT CABLES and SOLVE THINGS!!
What I didn't know was how high he was on acid, and for how long he had been tripping. So I took him out to my car. I propped open the hood. He and I both stood there, hands on hips, in companionable and collaborative silence, contemplating the plan of attack. And finally he says -- and I am pre-emptively relieved, because here cometh wisdom -- he says, "Dude. The shapes in this engine are _totally organic_."
That was my watershed moment, my friends. Bring me something broken. I probably know how to fix it. I learned pretty early on that I would need to.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:46 PM on August 10, 2016 [81 favorites]
Am I the only one who thinks it's kinda crazy for these young folks to post a video of themselves taking hallucinogens and building furniture?
I guess what I'm saying is jealous .
posted by alrightokay at 6:48 PM on August 10, 2016 [10 favorites]
I guess what I'm saying is jealous .
posted by alrightokay at 6:48 PM on August 10, 2016 [10 favorites]
"We can't stop here. This is Batsfjord country!"
posted by Devonian at 6:49 PM on August 10, 2016 [20 favorites]
the solid wood furniture comes apart and goes back together just fine.
I was going to post the secret to reusable IKEA, but I see that I've been beaten to the punch. Having said that, I recently ripped six holes in the side of an all-pine NORNÄS during assembly, due to my lack of instruction order comprehension and these weird 90° bolt/spacer things that they've started using. The upside of pine is that some decent wood glue and clamps salvaged the whole thing. No acid was involved, though.
posted by sysinfo at 6:59 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
I was going to post the secret to reusable IKEA, but I see that I've been beaten to the punch. Having said that, I recently ripped six holes in the side of an all-pine NORNÄS during assembly, due to my lack of instruction order comprehension and these weird 90° bolt/spacer things that they've started using. The upside of pine is that some decent wood glue and clamps salvaged the whole thing. No acid was involved, though.
posted by sysinfo at 6:59 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't know, my BILLY cheap-ass bookcases have lasted since 1997 and 6 moves and are always full of books. I'm not sure what makes mine so much tougher than everyone else's on this thread, but now I _really_ don't want to get rid of them.
posted by thefoxgod at 7:04 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by thefoxgod at 7:04 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]
What? Why would you ever do something so horrible to yourself. Also, acid and mushrooms but not weed? I feel pretty bad about people experiencing their first acid high while being filmed, that seems like such a waste of a trip. I like how they all give up but the editing tries it's best to disguise all of that. Show me how the frustration, make that the focal point because if you're giving people powerful drugs and then make them follow pictograms that's totally on you.
My favourite way to do Ikea is with a cheap pack of beer. I make mistakes no matter how I do it so the beer makes the work seem faster plus it makes me feel (marginally) less guilty about blaming everything that goes wrong on my cat.
posted by Neronomius at 7:32 PM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
My favourite way to do Ikea is with a cheap pack of beer. I make mistakes no matter how I do it so the beer makes the work seem faster plus it makes me feel (marginally) less guilty about blaming everything that goes wrong on my cat.
posted by Neronomius at 7:32 PM on August 10, 2016 [4 favorites]
Watching this while I'm at Exchanges & Returns at IKEA, and I wish I was on hallucinogens.
posted by Apocryphon at 7:33 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Apocryphon at 7:33 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]
I love Ikea, they also sell furniture at that Swedish meatball place!
posted by happyroach at 7:35 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by happyroach at 7:35 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]
I can't believe nobody else has looked up the stoned spiders yet. New life goal: spider drug dealer.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:38 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:38 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]
Building on (heh!) similar suggestions upthread:
- The material matters, but also check to see if the item you're considering uses the metal screw cams; these are reusable unlike some of the other joint methods. MDF is ok unless you're using the piece in a high humidity environment or you expect to disassemble and reassemble several times.
- Ikea has both 'wood effect' which is a printed vinyl sticker, and 'wood veneer' which is actual wood veneer. You want the second one.
- Pozidriv bit (or JIS in a pinch) + lowest torque on your driver + flex extension for tight spaces. It's nice to have a separate drill and driver so you don't have to keep changing bits and torque settings. (You don't have to buy that specific one)
- Wear gloves, use a sharp blade in your box cutter.
- Anything that takes knobs or pulls will be vastly improved in appearance by buying your own, and typically the hole spacing is standard.
- Anything that's raw wood will clean up nicely with a little finish grit sandpaper and some linseed or tung oil. Don't sand a veneered piece, though.
posted by a halcyon day at 7:47 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]
- The material matters, but also check to see if the item you're considering uses the metal screw cams; these are reusable unlike some of the other joint methods. MDF is ok unless you're using the piece in a high humidity environment or you expect to disassemble and reassemble several times.
- Ikea has both 'wood effect' which is a printed vinyl sticker, and 'wood veneer' which is actual wood veneer. You want the second one.
- Pozidriv bit (or JIS in a pinch) + lowest torque on your driver + flex extension for tight spaces. It's nice to have a separate drill and driver so you don't have to keep changing bits and torque settings. (You don't have to buy that specific one)
- Wear gloves, use a sharp blade in your box cutter.
- Anything that takes knobs or pulls will be vastly improved in appearance by buying your own, and typically the hole spacing is standard.
- Anything that's raw wood will clean up nicely with a little finish grit sandpaper and some linseed or tung oil. Don't sand a veneered piece, though.
posted by a halcyon day at 7:47 PM on August 10, 2016 [6 favorites]
Holy crap until today I had superimposed the (fake) video with the (apparently real!) images of the webs. I had NO IDEA that people actually got spiders high on LSD for science. More than once.
I am in the wrong busi--oh wait.
posted by quaking fajita at 7:47 PM on August 10, 2016
I am in the wrong busi--oh wait.
posted by quaking fajita at 7:47 PM on August 10, 2016
I'm not sure what makes mine so much tougher than everyone else's on this thread, but now I _really_ don't want to get rid of them.
20 years of relentless cost-cutting.
posted by madajb at 8:12 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
20 years of relentless cost-cutting.
posted by madajb at 8:12 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
I recently built a bed out of wood and woodscrews while reasonably stoned. It was satisfying in all of the places where assembling flatpack shitboard makes me question all of my fundamental decisions in life.
Psychedelics might help, now that I think about it.
posted by brennen at 8:26 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Psychedelics might help, now that I think about it.
posted by brennen at 8:26 PM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Caffeine and nicotine are both insecticides it's why spiders make such fucked up webs on them compared to acid.
posted by Ferreous at 8:29 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Ferreous at 8:29 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
> oh my god why would you take acid and assemble furniture? might as well take acid and prepare your taxes.
posted by indubitable at 5:36 PM on August 10 [5 favorites +] [!]
In this thread: people who don't realize how many professional software developers drop acid at work.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 8:43 PM on August 10, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by indubitable at 5:36 PM on August 10 [5 favorites +] [!]
In this thread: people who don't realize how many professional software developers drop acid at work.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 8:43 PM on August 10, 2016 [13 favorites]
They came in mid-morning, and I was greatly relieved, because now there was a MAN on the premises who could CONNECT CABLES and SOLVE THINGS!!
What I didn't know was how high he was on acid, and for how long he had been tripping
This One Time At Burning Man my friend and I were putting together an art car, and there was a problem that required soldering some very tiny wires on a fire ignition system. My friend did that, so I asked if he could reassemble a subwoofer cabinet I had taken apart to fix an internal short while I did something else. I came back a few minutes later to find that it was half assembled with my friend by his tent staring into a bowl of crackers. He told me he was sorry, but he'd gotten lost in the shapes.
Unbeknownst to me there had been mushrooms eaten.
The fire system worked perfectly.
Later in the week he was in a similar state on an electric art car that had broken down, and he fixed that too. It wasn't his.
I'm guessing a lot of people who go do recreational construction and logistics in the desert would be good at the acid and ikea game.
posted by flaterik at 9:24 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]
What I didn't know was how high he was on acid, and for how long he had been tripping
This One Time At Burning Man my friend and I were putting together an art car, and there was a problem that required soldering some very tiny wires on a fire ignition system. My friend did that, so I asked if he could reassemble a subwoofer cabinet I had taken apart to fix an internal short while I did something else. I came back a few minutes later to find that it was half assembled with my friend by his tent staring into a bowl of crackers. He told me he was sorry, but he'd gotten lost in the shapes.
Unbeknownst to me there had been mushrooms eaten.
The fire system worked perfectly.
Later in the week he was in a similar state on an electric art car that had broken down, and he fixed that too. It wasn't his.
I'm guessing a lot of people who go do recreational construction and logistics in the desert would be good at the acid and ikea game.
posted by flaterik at 9:24 PM on August 10, 2016 [7 favorites]
Welp, learned something about myself. I had an absolute pearl-clutching moment when I opened YouTube.
Oh, real drugs!
I thought they would just be on marijuana. I actually hesitated before watching because I wasn't sure if I wanted to watch someone tripping.
I feel like I am officially old now or something.
posted by tippy at 9:31 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
Oh, real drugs!
I thought they would just be on marijuana. I actually hesitated before watching because I wasn't sure if I wanted to watch someone tripping.
I feel like I am officially old now or something.
posted by tippy at 9:31 PM on August 10, 2016 [3 favorites]
Once in 2006 while assembling an Ikea desk* I just could not get a bolt to screw in. I tried for a really long time and eventually looked at it real careful. It turned out they forgot to make the threads spiral. Locked grooves are great for DJs but lousy for construction. They were happy to give me a new one, once I went back, but to this day I wonder how that possibly could have happened.
* tragically sober
posted by aubilenon at 10:55 PM on August 10, 2016 [8 favorites]
* tragically sober
posted by aubilenon at 10:55 PM on August 10, 2016 [8 favorites]
Anyway, on the topic of this video... it seems almost, but not quite, mean.
posted by aubilenon at 10:57 PM on August 10, 2016
posted by aubilenon at 10:57 PM on August 10, 2016
I feel terrible for those spiders. It's one thing tripping intentionally, but imagine someone slipped you some mescaline while you were desperately trying to get a job done and you didn't know what the hell's wrong with you.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:55 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Omnomnom at 11:55 PM on August 10, 2016 [5 favorites]
In this thread: people who don't realize how many professional software developers drop acid at work.
Yeah but software is kind of mind-blowing.
posted by atoxyl at 12:27 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yeah but software is kind of mind-blowing.
posted by atoxyl at 12:27 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
"Two things came out of Berkeley: acid and Unix. You think that's coincidence?"
(We;re online, so I can't do the Unix dev imitation a friend once did for me - one hand is full of uppers, one of downers Throw a handful of one into your mouth, then a handful of the other. Pout, wobble your head, go "mmm... not quite', then pop a couple more pills from either hand and say 'Ah, that's it. Let's go'.)
posted by Devonian at 2:52 AM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
(We;re online, so I can't do the Unix dev imitation a friend once did for me - one hand is full of uppers, one of downers Throw a handful of one into your mouth, then a handful of the other. Pout, wobble your head, go "mmm... not quite', then pop a couple more pills from either hand and say 'Ah, that's it. Let's go'.)
posted by Devonian at 2:52 AM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
"We were somewhere around Bårstöw on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold."
posted by chavenet at 2:55 AM on August 11, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by chavenet at 2:55 AM on August 11, 2016 [19 favorites]
- Wear gloves
This is not advice you will find many cabinet makers dispensing. You can't feel what you are doing with gloves on and it's just plain dangerous near powered blades.
Don't wear gloves and do acid kids.
posted by deadwax at 3:08 AM on August 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
This is not advice you will find many cabinet makers dispensing. You can't feel what you are doing with gloves on and it's just plain dangerous near powered blades.
Don't wear gloves and do acid kids.
posted by deadwax at 3:08 AM on August 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
So it seems like LSD is suddenly plentiful again, WTF?
posted by Meatbomb at 3:27 AM on August 11, 2016
posted by Meatbomb at 3:27 AM on August 11, 2016
(Similar with moving it --- as long as you fully disassemble it every time, its pretty reliable IMHO, I've never had a piece die on me and some of my pieces are 19 years old now).
I have had an IKEA JERKER computer desk (the legendary one which can be assembled in a variety of configurations, and which they don't make any more) for some 12 years and about five moves. With each move, the threads on the bolts (which were made of a soft metal of some sort) wear out slightly, to the point where I suspect, sadly, that I have assembled it for the last time in the last move.
posted by acb at 3:52 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
I have had an IKEA JERKER computer desk (the legendary one which can be assembled in a variety of configurations, and which they don't make any more) for some 12 years and about five moves. With each move, the threads on the bolts (which were made of a soft metal of some sort) wear out slightly, to the point where I suspect, sadly, that I have assembled it for the last time in the last move.
posted by acb at 3:52 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
I love Ikea, they also sell furniture at that Swedish meatball place!
The dill knäckebröd they sell in Europe is passable, too, if you're not in range of a supermarket in actual Sweden (in which case, go with Vilmas).
posted by acb at 3:54 AM on August 11, 2016
The dill knäckebröd they sell in Europe is passable, too, if you're not in range of a supermarket in actual Sweden (in which case, go with Vilmas).
posted by acb at 3:54 AM on August 11, 2016
So it seems like LSD is suddenly plentiful again, WTF?
Possibly this
posted by acb at 3:55 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Possibly this
posted by acb at 3:55 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
Here in Hong Kong IKEA a) delivers because no one has a car and b) assembles all your stuff in your house and c) takes all the insane non-reusable boxes and packages away when they leave because lots of us live in giant blocks of flats with trash chutes. This service adds, maybe, 5-10% to the cost of your order. It is amazing and the closest I have ever come to having a valet. That is all.
posted by mdonley at 4:05 AM on August 11, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by mdonley at 4:05 AM on August 11, 2016 [7 favorites]
We have similar service in France. Recently they added delivery via regular post for smaller things, up to and including faucets and end tables. It is wonderful. I've never yet actually been to an Ikea in person, but am mostly furnished with their stuff, otherwise with Habitat items I find on sale. (Habitat is owned by Ikea, FWIW.) I used to shop secondhand stores here, but with our Craigslist equivalents they basically disappeared :( It's been an interesting phenomenon to watch, because over here, there's no such thing as garage sales. Some neighborhoods will have organized flea markets that are essentially a neighborhood garage sale (you can sell your own stuff), but there's rarely furniture. As a result, with the disappearance of secondhand shops and emergence of Craigslist, people either go the online route or abandon items to the street. My recent find of an Érard piano in the street got me chatting about this, and it turns out that there's a decent segment of the population who just do not want to bother selling things themselves. They liked being able to call up a secondhand shop, letting them grab their stuff and getting 25-30% of the sale price. Without that option, they'd rather just leave it in the street on Bulky Item Pickup Day (it's a thing here, each city has its designated day, usually once every two weeks). I've furnished half my apartment in a Paris suburb thanks to randomly walking the streets on that day. Never bedding, but my kitchen and living room are pretty happy.
Back to Ikea – I have the cube shelves now called Kallax, that were called something else when I bought them twelve years ago. Three moves, still great, made of cardboard (no seriously, they're so solid because the shelves' insides are in actual fact made of wavy cardboard set on edge). I also have an older Billy bookcase that's awesome. Their kitchen stuff is also hard to beat. After browsing big-name home improvement stores here, you quickly realize that getting good quality stuff will cost you twice as much, while their Ikea-priced stuff is utterly terrible quality. Things like faucets that fall apart in six months, or shelving units that are bowed without anything on them in their displays. May as well go Ikea and be happy.
posted by fraula at 5:21 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Back to Ikea – I have the cube shelves now called Kallax, that were called something else when I bought them twelve years ago. Three moves, still great, made of cardboard (no seriously, they're so solid because the shelves' insides are in actual fact made of wavy cardboard set on edge). I also have an older Billy bookcase that's awesome. Their kitchen stuff is also hard to beat. After browsing big-name home improvement stores here, you quickly realize that getting good quality stuff will cost you twice as much, while their Ikea-priced stuff is utterly terrible quality. Things like faucets that fall apart in six months, or shelving units that are bowed without anything on them in their displays. May as well go Ikea and be happy.
posted by fraula at 5:21 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yet another reason why psychedelics are infinitely more awesome than alcohol: If you're drunk, you think you can do anything (including operate heavy machinery) but you really really can't. If you're tripping you think you're hilariously incapacitated, but once you try doing stuff, you find you actually can (also hilariously).
...I'd probably hide the car keys and angle grinder though.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 6:37 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
...I'd probably hide the car keys and angle grinder though.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 6:37 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Devonian, I had always heard the quote this way:
"Two things came out of Berkeley: BSD and LSD. You think that's a coincidence?"
Lived in Berkeley for years. It's not a coincidence.
posted by iandennismiller at 6:45 AM on August 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
"Two things came out of Berkeley: BSD and LSD. You think that's a coincidence?"
Lived in Berkeley for years. It's not a coincidence.
posted by iandennismiller at 6:45 AM on August 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
In this thread: people who don't realize how many professional software developers drop acid at work.
eh, I've done professional software development, and while it wouldn't be my first choice, it's at least somewhat creative and involving. Putting together flatpack furniture, like tax prep, is tedious, mechanical instruction-following.
posted by indubitable at 6:46 AM on August 11, 2016
eh, I've done professional software development, and while it wouldn't be my first choice, it's at least somewhat creative and involving. Putting together flatpack furniture, like tax prep, is tedious, mechanical instruction-following.
posted by indubitable at 6:46 AM on August 11, 2016
In this thread: people who don't realize how many professional software developers drop acid at work.
I've heard about microdosing being a thing (apparently 1/10 of a tab really gets you in the zone for coding), though would it make sense to write code on a full tab?
posted by acb at 7:13 AM on August 11, 2016
I've heard about microdosing being a thing (apparently 1/10 of a tab really gets you in the zone for coding), though would it make sense to write code on a full tab?
posted by acb at 7:13 AM on August 11, 2016
Caffeine and nicotine are both insecticides it's why spiders make such fucked up webs on them compared to acid.
Thought #1: "Well, spiders are arachnids, not insects, so..."
Thought #2: "Wait, given the sheer terror many people* face at spiders, why is there no arachnicide?"
*not me. I think they are cool.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:14 AM on August 11, 2016
Thought #1: "Well, spiders are arachnids, not insects, so..."
Thought #2: "Wait, given the sheer terror many people* face at spiders, why is there no arachnicide?"
*not me. I think they are cool.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:14 AM on August 11, 2016
Putting together flatpack furniture, like tax prep, is tedious, mechanical instruction-following.
Perhaps amphetamines would be a more useful drug for that then.
posted by acb at 7:20 AM on August 11, 2016
Perhaps amphetamines would be a more useful drug for that then.
posted by acb at 7:20 AM on August 11, 2016
When I moved house I had very lovely friends working hard to assemble my ikea dining set when we decided it was really hot and I was tasked with assembling the floor fan.
I recently assembled a pedestal fan, which was purchased to replace one that just died. As I was doing this, I thought to myself that all instructions for fans and air-conditioners which require any sort of assembly should begin with a passage something along the lines of:
Hey, there- it's probably pretty hot where you are right now, and we get that, so we're going to try to make this as easy as possible. There are some step-by-step instructions, but remember that you can stop and take a rest at any time. It's totally OK if you start to get a bit frustrated- everybody feels that way sometimes, and this is not an ideal situation to be in. Get up, take a walk around, maybe get a cool drink or something, and then come back when you feel ready. It's totally OK to ask for help, too- there's no shame in that. Remember that it's not OK to take it out on your family, roommates, or pets, though. If you need to take a drive with the a/c on, or even go and see a movie or something, that's totally fine, too.
So, sit quietly for a moment, take a deep breath, and then turn to step 1 in the instructions. And remember- it's going to be OK, and we're going to get through this together.
Ideally, this would be some sort of recording spoken by Morgan Freeman or Matthew McConaughey.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:58 AM on August 11, 2016 [14 favorites]
I recently assembled a pedestal fan, which was purchased to replace one that just died. As I was doing this, I thought to myself that all instructions for fans and air-conditioners which require any sort of assembly should begin with a passage something along the lines of:
Hey, there- it's probably pretty hot where you are right now, and we get that, so we're going to try to make this as easy as possible. There are some step-by-step instructions, but remember that you can stop and take a rest at any time. It's totally OK if you start to get a bit frustrated- everybody feels that way sometimes, and this is not an ideal situation to be in. Get up, take a walk around, maybe get a cool drink or something, and then come back when you feel ready. It's totally OK to ask for help, too- there's no shame in that. Remember that it's not OK to take it out on your family, roommates, or pets, though. If you need to take a drive with the a/c on, or even go and see a movie or something, that's totally fine, too.
So, sit quietly for a moment, take a deep breath, and then turn to step 1 in the instructions. And remember- it's going to be OK, and we're going to get through this together.
Ideally, this would be some sort of recording spoken by Morgan Freeman or Matthew McConaughey.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:58 AM on August 11, 2016 [14 favorites]
With each move, the threads on the bolts (which were made of a soft metal of some sort) wear out slightly, to the point where I suspect, sadly, that I have assembled it for the last time in the last move.
You can definitely get new bolts! Home Depot has a reasonable selection of IKEA-style hardware, among other places.
posted by ssg at 8:40 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
You can definitely get new bolts! Home Depot has a reasonable selection of IKEA-style hardware, among other places.
posted by ssg at 8:40 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Do it by hand or use a power screwdriver with the torque at its lowest setting.
AKA my best friend, FIXA.
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:49 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
AKA my best friend, FIXA.
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:49 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
I dunno, it seemed like such a sad waste of that girl's first trip to spend it putting together furniture. Watching that, I wanted to fire their trip sitter and take those two kids to the woods or something. Do it proper, kids.
posted by pleasant_confusion at 9:15 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by pleasant_confusion at 9:15 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
It turned out they forgot to make the threads spiral. Locked grooves are great for DJs but lousy for construction. They were happy to give me a new one, once I went back, but to this day I wonder how that possibly could have happened.Wait, what? That's really surprising, at least to someone who has cut threads in individual things but never seen the machines that mass-produce screws. Surely the dies that make spiral threads have an angle built into them. Maybe there's an adjustment that allows you to get that angle wrong. But, to get them wrong by exactly one thread spacing? I suppose if you get them wrong by some non-integer number of thread spacings someone's likely to catch a discontinuity during visual inspection, but if they just happen to be off by one a whole batch could get past inspection without anybody noticing. That's pretty neat! I wonder how many thousands of screws were produced before it was caught.
Though, it's more fun to imagine this is the result of industrial sabotage. "Oh yeah? Well, you can cut our vacation time, but let's see your customers try to put nuts on these screws!"
Slightly less off-topic - Watching other people interact with Ikea furniture has taught me that there really are dramatic differences in the way adult brains perceive the world. No idea if the differences are genetic or learned (or are more complicated than that division), or whether the skills that make furniture assembly easy can be taught late in life. So long as there are enough people who can assemble furniture and the people who can't are able to lead fulfilling lives, I'm not sure it's even something that needs to be taught. But, it's made me a lot less rash when deciding whether or not a students are actually trying hard in classes that benefit from mechanical intuition and the ability to interpret diagrams.
posted by eotvos at 9:27 AM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
measure twice, cut once.)
If you're getting the saw out, you're probably doing Ikea wrong.
or you're about to create some amazing art!
posted by numaner at 9:54 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you're getting the saw out, you're probably doing Ikea wrong.
or you're about to create some amazing art!
posted by numaner at 9:54 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
The guy on shrooms asked my burning question at the end of the video. "Why the Ikea thing?"
"Because 'Hikea' sounded cool."
It answers so many questions and concerns raised above. Where LSD should have been a coupla big rips from the sativa bong and shrooms several glasses of wine, where assembling furniture should have been 'traipsing through the woods' or 'sitting on the beach until sunset,'—these are explained by "it sounded cool."
Of course I'm a little crabby because D.A.R.E. dude hadn't tripped in about as long as I haven't and someone just handed him an eighth all for himself like it warn't no thing. Where do I sign up for that gig? I will build your furniture in the 45 minutes it takes for the drugs kick in and then you can drive me to the nature and I will tell you about the universe.
posted by carsonb at 10:30 AM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
"Because 'Hikea' sounded cool."
It answers so many questions and concerns raised above. Where LSD should have been a coupla big rips from the sativa bong and shrooms several glasses of wine, where assembling furniture should have been 'traipsing through the woods' or 'sitting on the beach until sunset,'—these are explained by "it sounded cool."
Of course I'm a little crabby because D.A.R.E. dude hadn't tripped in about as long as I haven't and someone just handed him an eighth all for himself like it warn't no thing. Where do I sign up for that gig? I will build your furniture in the 45 minutes it takes for the drugs kick in and then you can drive me to the nature and I will tell you about the universe.
posted by carsonb at 10:30 AM on August 11, 2016 [4 favorites]
If you're getting the saw out, you're probably doing Ikea wrong.
On the other hand, Ikea Hacking is totally a thing!
posted by tobascodagama at 10:51 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
On the other hand, Ikea Hacking is totally a thing!
posted by tobascodagama at 10:51 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Assembling furniture isn't enough to ruin acid, honestly. But doing it with a friend would be a lot a lot more fun than doing it by yourself like the poor shrooms guy.
posted by atoxyl at 11:12 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by atoxyl at 11:12 AM on August 11, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's like the "efficiency of the rocket launcher team was also very impaired" video.
posted by atoxyl at 11:14 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by atoxyl at 11:14 AM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
This is not advice you will find many cabinet makers dispensing. You can't feel what you are doing with gloves on and it's just plain dangerous near powered blades.
... except we're not talking about cabinet construction using powered blades, we're talking about assembling IKEA furniture. The only blades you need are box cutters to open all the packing material, and to that end they should be sharp. Gloves keep you from getting cardboard cuts and bashing your knuckles open.
posted by a halcyon day at 1:25 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
... except we're not talking about cabinet construction using powered blades, we're talking about assembling IKEA furniture. The only blades you need are box cutters to open all the packing material, and to that end they should be sharp. Gloves keep you from getting cardboard cuts and bashing your knuckles open.
posted by a halcyon day at 1:25 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
10-year-old webcomic alert, but: "Oh yeah. Let's get wasted and build."
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:28 PM on August 11, 2016
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:28 PM on August 11, 2016
You wanna know what makes assembling Ikea furniture difficult? In three words : wooden fucking dowels
Or more specifically : the similarity in width between the wooden fucking dowels and those weird screwbolt thingies, making it possible to bang a dowel into a hole that's meant for one of those screwbolt thingies. And the impossibility of extracting said wooden fucking dowel, necessitating some very careful drilling accompanied by the hope that your dresser/bed/whatever can stay together minus one wooden fucking dowel.
Fucking dowels.
posted by panama joe at 3:53 PM on August 11, 2016
Or more specifically : the similarity in width between the wooden fucking dowels and those weird screwbolt thingies, making it possible to bang a dowel into a hole that's meant for one of those screwbolt thingies. And the impossibility of extracting said wooden fucking dowel, necessitating some very careful drilling accompanied by the hope that your dresser/bed/whatever can stay together minus one wooden fucking dowel.
Fucking dowels.
posted by panama joe at 3:53 PM on August 11, 2016
those weird screwbolt thingies
Cam screws and cam lock nuts. This blog says Ikea has plans to replace them with something better in the future.
posted by peeedro at 4:23 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Cam screws and cam lock nuts. This blog says Ikea has plans to replace them with something better in the future.
posted by peeedro at 4:23 PM on August 11, 2016 [2 favorites]
Now I want to know what they're replacing the cam locks with.
posted by tobascodagama at 6:13 PM on August 11, 2016
posted by tobascodagama at 6:13 PM on August 11, 2016
Me too. Ikea uses butt joints reinforced with dowels and cam locks for almost everything because that's easiest for them to manufacture the materials for. So the big question is if they are going to stick with butt joints and find a new way to reinforce them, or are they working on a way to make MDF pieces that allow for a more sophisticated joint.
If you don't want to wait for the future, buy a Kreg jig, some clamps, and make your own furniture. Assuming you have some basic tools and skills you can make some pretty impressive stuff. In the past two years I've made a pine spice rack, a plywood bookshelf, a MDF desk, a pressure treated outdoor bench, and a pretty baller oak kitchen table. The catch is that you have to pay a professional to cut your materials to size, and pay for S4S lumber so every dimension is spot-on, as there is no fudge factor in joinery. But you can make neat stuff with inexpensive materials and simple tools.
Anyhow, Ikea, if you're reading this, I'd be glad to beta test your new products if you supply the drugs.
posted by peeedro at 9:36 PM on August 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
If you don't want to wait for the future, buy a Kreg jig, some clamps, and make your own furniture. Assuming you have some basic tools and skills you can make some pretty impressive stuff. In the past two years I've made a pine spice rack, a plywood bookshelf, a MDF desk, a pressure treated outdoor bench, and a pretty baller oak kitchen table. The catch is that you have to pay a professional to cut your materials to size, and pay for S4S lumber so every dimension is spot-on, as there is no fudge factor in joinery. But you can make neat stuff with inexpensive materials and simple tools.
Anyhow, Ikea, if you're reading this, I'd be glad to beta test your new products if you supply the drugs.
posted by peeedro at 9:36 PM on August 11, 2016 [3 favorites]
So it seems like LSD is suddenly plentiful again, WTF?
I've heard stories about about a sort of highway made out of some kind of fabric.
posted by ostranenie at 10:53 AM on August 12, 2016
I've heard stories about about a sort of highway made out of some kind of fabric.
posted by ostranenie at 10:53 AM on August 12, 2016
✓ A great big fluffy bear
✓ Psychedelic drugs
✓ Building stuff
✓ Dry humor
♫ These are a few of my favorite things ♪
posted by ostranenie at 10:57 AM on August 12, 2016
✓ Psychedelic drugs
✓ Building stuff
✓ Dry humor
♫ These are a few of my favorite things ♪
posted by ostranenie at 10:57 AM on August 12, 2016
oh my god why would you take acid and assemble furniture?
Go to Burning Man some time and you'll probably find out.
- I see that flaterik knows of which I speak.
posted by crotchety old git at 1:33 PM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Go to Burning Man some time and you'll probably find out.
- I see that flaterik knows of which I speak.
posted by crotchety old git at 1:33 PM on August 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'd never heard the connection between Berkeley and LSD. It appears this is an epigraph to the _Unix Haters Handbook_.
A Reddit reaction to people taking issue with the quote's accuracy clarifies and reaffirms that neither BSD nor LSD were invented/discovered in Berkeley, but that Berkeley "merely" manufactured and distributed these things as products. (To be clear, BSD was developed by CSRG at Berkeley. The distinction (quibble) is that BSD is a UNIX variant and UNIX was invented by Bell Labs.
The impossible-to-pinpoint origin and "success" of both BSD and LSD contributes to my growing suspicion that Berkeley (both the municipality and institution of higher learning) has an undeserved outsize reputation for progressivism and innovation given Berkeley's actual historical contribution to counterculture and computing.
Or something. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by mistersquid at 10:30 AM on August 13, 2016
A Reddit reaction to people taking issue with the quote's accuracy clarifies and reaffirms that neither BSD nor LSD were invented/discovered in Berkeley, but that Berkeley "merely" manufactured and distributed these things as products. (To be clear, BSD was developed by CSRG at Berkeley. The distinction (quibble) is that BSD is a UNIX variant and UNIX was invented by Bell Labs.
The impossible-to-pinpoint origin and "success" of both BSD and LSD contributes to my growing suspicion that Berkeley (both the municipality and institution of higher learning) has an undeserved outsize reputation for progressivism and innovation given Berkeley's actual historical contribution to counterculture and computing.
Or something. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by mistersquid at 10:30 AM on August 13, 2016
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(I've never understood the whole "assembling IKEA furniture is hard!" thing. Just follow the step-by-step instructions. And make sure you understand the instructions before you do stuff – measure twice, cut once.)
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:30 PM on August 10, 2016 [15 favorites]