Edible Arrangements

December 16, 2016 2:47 PM

There are lots of exciting ways to eat an apple. You can bake it in a pie, you can slice it up into small pieces, you can eat it whole, or, for some added flavor, you can do what this couple is doing and eat it straight from the loins of your lover. [SLC]

SLC = Single-Link Cosmopolitan, not Salt Lake City, do not be confused

posted by beerperson (93 comments total)

"Gotta stay woke when it comes to stocking your vagina like it's a Whole Foods."

Ahahahahahahaha *weeps for humanity*
posted by zarq at 2:48 PM on December 16, 2016 [9 favorites]

she posted her experience to Reddit because she has some concerns, like, "Can this make him or I sick?"

Of greater concern, what made her think she could follow a verb with the nominative form of the first-person pronoun?
posted by the sobsister at 2:50 PM on December 16, 2016 [51 favorites]

we are now taking a trip on the stop train
posted by Countess Elena at 2:52 PM on December 16, 2016 [8 favorites]

No.
posted by pxe2000 at 2:55 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

huh
posted by Grandysaur at 3:00 PM on December 16, 2016

[more inside]
posted by beerperson at 3:00 PM on December 16, 2016 [48 favorites]

FUCKING EW.
posted by slagheap at 3:01 PM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

It's good that Cosmo mentioned one of the reasons why this is such a bad idea: fruit sugars in close proximity to the vagina (especially for hours every day) can increase one's chances of yeast infections.
posted by zarq at 3:03 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

FUCKING EW.

You know my motivation
Given my reputation
Please excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude

But tonight I’m fucking ew
Oh, you know
posted by beerperson at 3:04 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

That's not why I feel sick.
posted by adept256 at 3:05 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Let's go back to my place and engage in an activity that's never been studied by medical science.
posted by griphus at 3:05 PM on December 16, 2016 [22 favorites]

So maybe like,try a kiwi...or some other fruit that has skin you don't eat.

1) One does eat the skin of a kiwi
2) Texture! With all those spiny hairs it would feel like a brillo pad!
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 3:07 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

Ah, time to bust out the ol' straight mouth smiley. One of the hardest working emojis in my emojidex.

😐

It just says everything I can't right now.
posted by phunniemee at 3:08 PM on December 16, 2016 [42 favorites]

Sexy sexy toxic shock syndrome.
posted by rhamphorhynchus at 3:11 PM on December 16, 2016 [5 favorites]

Cray-cray in the vajayjay
posted by acb at 3:12 PM on December 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

Cider inside her.
posted by adept256 at 3:13 PM on December 16, 2016 [18 favorites]

sometimes you just have to accept that your relationship isn't worth saving
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:13 PM on December 16, 2016 [17 favorites]

Cider inside her.

You have both an ascorbic and ascerbic sense of humor.
posted by hal9k at 3:15 PM on December 16, 2016 [29 favorites]

One more "what is happen" for 2016, why the fuck not
posted by Kitteh at 3:16 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

It's not directly mentioned in the link but I'm pretty sure this is that modern Victorian couple too
posted by beerperson at 3:17 PM on December 16, 2016 [17 favorites]

Insert (!) Vitamin C joke here.
posted by hal9k at 3:20 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

List of fruits that seem more appropriate for this type of thing, strictly based on the way their names sound:

kumquat
quince
honeydew melon
goji berries
Surinam cherries
velvet tamarind
Malabar plum
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:22 PM on December 16, 2016 [17 favorites]

: fruit sugars in close proximity to the vagina (especially for hours every day) can increase one's chances of yeast infections.

I think it gave me a yeast infection just reading about it and I don't even have a vagina.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:22 PM on December 16, 2016 [22 favorites]

Those "helpful suggestions" are super dumb, though.

"use barrier devices as such condoms or plastic wrap to avoid bacteria/yeast access to sugars in the fruits/vegetables"

If the dude wanted "apple in a condom" flavor, he would just put an apple in a condom and put it in his pocket.

"if you're not going to use condoms, choose fruits/vegetables with a especially waxy skins such as some apples or cucumber that function somewhat like a barrier"

She's not putting a whole gorram apple up her wahoo, is she? It's gotta be a slice of apple, right? And I know this is probably a failure of imagination but I don't think one could walk around with a whole cucumber smuggled away in one's treasure box.

Don't offer piffle suggestions, Cosmo, in an effort to seem GGG – just say 'no.'
posted by amanda at 3:23 PM on December 16, 2016 [9 favorites]

As American as vaginapple pie
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:23 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

great, now i have this image of trump asking melania to put one of his hairpieces in her grabbable 🤢

people i just had a pierogi, i dont need this

OH GOD PIEROGIS IN VAGINAS STOP BRAIN STOP Y DIS HAPP
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:24 PM on December 16, 2016 [5 favorites]

"Honey, did I ever tell you you're the apple of my . . . ummm . . . "
posted by The Bellman at 3:26 PM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

great, now i have this image of trump asking melania to put one of his hairpieces in her grabbable

As 'merkin as vaginapple pie.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:28 PM on December 16, 2016 [8 favorites]

It's not directly mentioned in the link but I'm pretty sure this is that modern Victorian couple too

My William Carlos Williams parody machine just started whirring so fast it tore itself apart while PLMUS and ICEB0XX flashed across its display.
posted by Copronymus at 3:29 PM on December 16, 2016 [27 favorites]

I think it gave me a yeast infection just reading about it and I don't even have a vagina.

You should get one, they're great for storage
posted by beerperson at 3:31 PM on December 16, 2016 [27 favorites]

hole foods
posted by The Vice Admiral of the Narrow Seas at 3:32 PM on December 16, 2016 [45 favorites]

If the dude wanted "apple in a condom" flavor, he would just put an apple in a condom and put it in his pocket.

Was gonna suggest that I'd she could talk hon into that, she should not tell him and just put it in a condom and put it in her pocket and then I remembered women probably don't have big enough pockets for this and God damn fucking patriarchy just never ends
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:32 PM on December 16, 2016 [14 favorites]

I look forward to the eventual bevy of "how is babby alergiac to stroberry if I put strawbetty in Virginia???;" yahoo answers queries.
posted by phunniemee at 3:32 PM on December 16, 2016 [11 favorites]

But like why stop at fruit? It's warm, just cook whole meals up there.
posted by phunniemee at 3:34 PM on December 16, 2016 [6 favorites]

None of the things I'm thinking right now is a thing I want to be thinking.
posted by phunniemee at 3:35 PM on December 16, 2016 [20 favorites]

Banana
posted by HuronBob at 3:38 PM on December 16, 2016

I'm just going to favorite the post and make these comments my evening reading.
posted by curious nu at 3:39 PM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

Chalk up another journalistic win for Cosmo. I also give full marks to the other article suggested in the sidebar: "Ten Surprising Things Guys Love About Sixty-Nining."
posted by MACTdaddy at 3:46 PM on December 16, 2016

I think it can be useful, when evaluating an activity, to say to oneself "How would I explain this to an Emergency Medical Technician should one be necessary?"

I encourage others to consider this point of view.

Also: a KIWI? Time to ride the nopetopus.
posted by Vatnesine at 3:56 PM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

I have eaten
the plums
that were in

you know what? no
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:57 PM on December 16, 2016 [62 favorites]

I think it can be useful, when evaluating an activity, to say to oneself "How would I explain this to an Emergency Medical Technician should one be necessary?"

Given the vast number of people around and the inevitability of a lot of outré kinks existing, I would imagine that the typical EMT response to pretty much any sort of accident involving foreign objects in orifices would be extremely unlikely to be shocked incredulity, and far more likely to be a barely noticeable rolling of the eyes, as if to say "you're the third one this week"
posted by acb at 4:11 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Life hack: if you don't want to carry a lunchbox around all day or risk bruising your lunch fruit, turn your lover into a bento with this simple trick!
posted by a halcyon day at 4:15 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

This is like watching natural history in real time. There are so many foods out there that make me wonder about the people who discovered them. Like, who was the first person who came across some super stinky cheese and said "yeah, I'm going to scrape the mold off and go to town on this with some bread?" What was their story? Speaking of, what's the story of the very first apple here? But there are more important questions still: shouldn't this be called apple herloin?
posted by feloniousmonk at 4:17 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

"Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating a Christmas pie;
He put in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said 'What a good boy am I!"

Can't believe nobody's brought this up yet with it being the holidays and all.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 4:26 PM on December 16, 2016 [9 favorites]

I now have a totally different understanding of what went down in the Garden of Eden.
posted by naju at 4:30 PM on December 16, 2016 [9 favorites]

DTMFA = D(on't eat) the motherfucking A(pple)
posted by naju at 4:37 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: None of the things I'm thinking right now is a thing I want to be thinking.
posted by Faintdreams at 4:37 PM on December 16, 2016 [5 favorites]

Man, straight people sex is icky.
posted by Nelson at 4:48 PM on December 16, 2016 [3 favorites]

Like most teenagers in the 1980s, I had a bunch of Penthouse Magazines and enjoyed reading the Forum. I remember one of them was written from the woman's point of view, talking about going out for a special date with her man. At one point early in the story, as she was getting ready for the date, she wrote "...and right before I left, I slipped a piece of cherry candy in my [vagina]."

And that was the last she mentioned of the cherry candy! The date continued, they came home, they fucked in all the ways people fuck in those articles, his ten inches of throbbing man meat filled her with love juice, yadda yadda, but no more about the cherry candy.

Did it fall out? Did she remove it? Did he find it while he was "hungrily feasting on her love tunnel?" Did he unknowingly push it in further?

I've never forgotten that story and I worry that the candy is still in there.

Carry on.
posted by bondcliff at 4:48 PM on December 16, 2016 [33 favorites]

This is not the most creative, interesting, and/or distasteful thing I've come across sex-wise in my lifetime, but it does have me wondering if anything is considered too private to share with the world anymore.
posted by she's not there at 4:50 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

Uh! Pen-Vagina-Apple-Pen!
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:58 PM on December 16, 2016 [11 favorites]

List of fruits that seem more appropriate

Perhaps gooseberries, too?

You should get one, they're great for storage

Not quite a crisper but it will do...in a pinch.

As for keeping anything in place up thar for all day long--I can't imagine the kegels it took to achieve this. Oh my: double-entendre alert.
posted by datawrangler at 4:58 PM on December 16, 2016

Cray-cray in the vajayjay

Brae-brae?
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:00 PM on December 16, 2016

*insert witty sous vide joke here*
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 5:28 PM on December 16, 2016 [4 favorites]

Rule 34?? sous vide apple pie
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 5:32 PM on December 16, 2016

[John Cleese voice]

... with a melon?

[/John Cleese]

Seriously, though, she is going to get an epic yeast infection and if they take as little care as they seem to, she's going to pass it on to him, and then there will be no question of making the kink safe anymore because neither of them will want to have sex ever, ever again.
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 5:32 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

A while back my housemate's homemade cider exploded all over the bathroom while we were both out of town and when I came home the entire house just reeked of vinegary cider-ness. That's what came to mind when I read this.
posted by dudemanlives at 5:38 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

On the first local paper I worked on, our opposition had a problem page. We were pretty certain the staff wrote both the problems and the answers, and every week when it came out, we'd have a hoot, gathering round while someone read the whole lot aloud.

Then one week there was a letter from a woman whose husband liked her to leave things "like belts and ceramic objects" in her vagina and she was starting to get fed up of this and wondering whether she'd be out of order to ask if they could stop with the belts-and-ceramic-objects-stuffing.

I've never decided whether that made it more or less likely that the letters were genuine.
posted by penguin pie at 5:45 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

But like why stop at fruit? It's warm, just cook whole meals up there.

AskMe: Help me make dinner sous-sous-vide! Anyone have recipes that will cook at right around 37 degrees Celcius? Is this in the food temperature "danger zone???"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:07 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

Usually metafilter gets in there before I do, but I'm moderately surprised not to see a "fruit of the womb" gag. Perhaps the posts on use of correct terminology re: genitalia and reproductive systems are finally bearing fr...er, paying off.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 6:15 PM on December 16, 2016 [10 favorites]

This is just to say...
posted by Reyturner at 6:19 PM on December 16, 2016 [2 favorites]

I have eaten
the plums
that were in

your assbox
and which you
were probably shaving
for cosmos

forgive me
they were derrierlishous
so sweat
and so old
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:25 PM on December 16, 2016 [10 favorites]

Ten Surprising Things Guys Love About Sixty-Nining."


Is unexpected fruit salad on that list?
posted by nubs at 6:26 PM on December 16, 2016 [7 favorites]

But like why stop at fruit? It's warm, just cook whole meals up there.

Apparently my grandparents used to cook a lot of meals on road trips using the car's engine block, but happily I've never been told any stories of "up there" cooking.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:31 PM on December 16, 2016

This was how wine was invented wasn't it?
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 6:50 PM on December 16, 2016

Ok, I guess I'm just naive, but where does the stick go?
posted by Room 641-A at 6:57 PM on December 16, 2016

Uh, bondcliff, at least it wasn't a Jolly Rancher.

some of you know what I'm talking about and I am sorry
posted by a halcyon day at 7:18 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

And I know this is probably a failure of imagination but I don't think one could walk around with a whole cucumber smuggled away in one's treasure box.

Absolutely a failure of imagination - my life experience directly suggests that it is possible.


I used to work for a grocer's, so I've seen tiny little cucumbers with my own eyes.
posted by Dysk at 7:35 PM on December 16, 2016 [5 favorites]

I'm surprised nobody's mentioned the infamous Mom's Apple Pie album cover.
posted by jonp72 at 7:44 PM on December 16, 2016

To clear everyone's palate, I'll share this other weird fruit-related kink that is surprisingly, pleasingly erotic: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=brviYyaw51M
posted by sleepingwithcats at 8:19 PM on December 16, 2016

1) One does eat the skin of a kiwi
2) Texture! With all those spiny hairs it would feel like a brillo pad!

In the next issue of Cosmo, learn how to turn shaving a kiwi fruit into a sexy game!
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 10:21 PM on December 16, 2016 [1 favorite]

So is this eponysterical?
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:28 PM on December 16, 2016

Yo dawg, I heard you like warm apple pie so we put Pink Lady bits in your lady's pink lady bits.
posted by emelenjr at 10:32 PM on December 16, 2016 [10 favorites]

Man I leave this site for like a month and this is what I come back to.
posted by teponaztli at 12:55 AM on December 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

in her grabbable 🤢

My new, most disturbing, euphemism.
posted by bendy at 1:17 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

This new shtick where MetaFilter pretends the sex articles in Cosmo aren't all written by some dude who has never seen a woman naked is hilarious.
posted by straight at 2:17 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

Ah, time to bust out the ol' straight mouth smiley. One of the hardest working emojis in my emojidex.

😐

It just says everything I can't right now.

🍎🚫➡🌮🕳!!!
posted by sebastienbailard at 2:40 AM on December 17, 2016 [7 favorites]

WORST IS IT SAFE TO EAT THIS ASKME EVAR.
posted by chavenet at 2:51 AM on December 17, 2016 [4 favorites]

Vaginal foodstuffs previously.
posted by TedW at 3:12 AM on December 17, 2016

I've never forgotten that story and I worry that the candy is still in there.

Don't worry; if it was a Penthouse letter, the candy was never in there.
posted by ogooglebar at 5:04 AM on December 17, 2016

This is not the most creative, interesting, and/or distasteful thing I've come across sex-wise in my lifetime

Nor even the most distasteful food-related one.

Another board (now long-defunct) I lurked on had an in-joke about a sexual practice involving using raw bacon to induce vomiting, and thus apparently epic muscular contractions.

It had originally been a Belle & Sebastian fan board. Those nice twee indie kids, with their bowl haircuts and books and knitting; who would have guessed?
posted by acb at 6:17 AM on December 17, 2016 [3 favorites]

Vaginal foodstuffs

I see what you did there.
posted by Kabanos at 8:47 AM on December 17, 2016 [2 favorites]

Assuming it's not a troll, the original reddit user's posting history is completely heartbreaking. It starts in November 2015, with a post to r/twox, "How do I offer my husband an alternative way to measure my beauty?":

Our marriage is going on to its 7 years, and for reasons that are completely my fault, I have gained weight, and my hair has started to turn gray.

My husband doesn't much care for me, and when we do spend time together, it is normally in the living room watching TV and playing games. However, it is during TV time, I have the most stressful time, because as pretty young woman come on, he compares me to them, and uses their beauty, body, and youth to measure my beauty. Naturally I can no longer compete, if I had any chance to begin with when I was in my early 20s, just before we got married.

I want to help my husband learn to measure my beauty a different way, like my personality, loyalty, etc. I was hoping maybe there is a way to do this. Would anyone have some advice or suggestions, or had similar experience and came out a winner?

UPDATE: I'm very saddened by the mannerisms and insults people are throwing at my husband. I was looking for advice, though he might not be perfect, neither am I. I am also open to hearing people's take on this situation, but I felt given the nature of this subreddit, I could achieve this without having to deal with the nasty comments.

Here's an example response comment, all four of which are defending her husband: "We are all built differently. Getting married involves two people making a choice. I made my choice, and I want to do the best I can for my husband."

Follow that with the post about the fruit, four months later. The only followup questions from her are asking how she can reduce the risks to herself, and the redditors asking if she actually enjoys the activity, since it sorta sounds like she doesn't, are left with no response.

Finally, six weeks after that, a now-deleted post (damn you r/relationships) with the title "UPDATE: Me [32 F] with my husband [29 M] of seven years were having marriage issues, but now we completely in love again!!" with no prior post (probably also deleted).

Wherever you are, u/morninglost, I hope you really are happy and healthy.
posted by j.r at 9:18 AM on December 17, 2016 [7 favorites]

I've never forgotten that story and I worry that the candy is still in there.

It was a cough drop, technically. A Lewd-ins.
posted by maryr at 10:19 AM on December 17, 2016 [6 favorites]

5 grapes, same as in town.
posted by j_curiouser at 12:11 PM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

Fruit Of The Lewd^(R): We fit (inside) America
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:07 PM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

OH GOD PIEROGIS IN VAGINAS STOP BRAIN STOP Y DIS HAPP

WAIT I THOT THE PLURAL OF PIEROGI WAS JUST PIEROGI NOW I DON'T BELIEVE NUTHIN' SEE YOU IN LAW SCHOOL

I CAN ALSO ACCEPT PIEROGIM BECAUSE I AM THAT BROAD MINDED
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:11 PM on December 17, 2016 [5 favorites]

Ctrl+F "Napoleon"
posted by klangklangston at 4:34 PM on December 17, 2016

OH GOD PIEROGIS IN VAGINAS STOP BRAIN STOP Y DIS HAPP

Whole new meaning to the term 'soup dumplings'.

You're welcome.
posted by spinifex23 at 5:24 PM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]

WAIT I THOT THE PLURAL OF PIEROGI WAS JUST PIEROGI

One pierogus, several pierogi
posted by acb at 4:42 AM on December 18, 2016

prize bull octorok: "I have eaten
the plums
that were in

you know what? no"

Juicy, yes. Cold, no.
posted by Samizdata at 9:26 AM on December 18, 2016

I don't know what all this nonsense is about "singular" pierogi, as if one could stop with just one pierog. You people are sick.
posted by Westringia F. at 8:51 AM on January 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

It's good that Cosmo mentioned one of the reasons why this is such a bad idea: fruit sugars in close proximity to the vagina (especially for hours every day) can increase one's chances of yeast infections.

Holy hell, Cosmo has reformed!!!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:29 AM on January 10, 2017