It's not robots this time
November 8, 2017 9:11 PM Subscribe
That one interview is as deep as a whole generation of novels. What a world.
posted by bleep at 9:28 PM on November 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by bleep at 9:28 PM on November 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
Well that left me bawling my eyes out uncontrollably for a while.
Great article, but, uh, warning: you may need a box of tissues handy.
posted by motty at 9:29 PM on November 8, 2017
Great article, but, uh, warning: you may need a box of tissues handy.
posted by motty at 9:29 PM on November 8, 2017
Just at the top, this is an incredibly interesting article in which the author and subject deliberately focus on the ethical and philosophical questions raised by this line of work. So it would be cool to keep the thrust of the discussion on those issues and resist the temptation to make this about cultural differences just because this is a phenomenon that hasn't yet emerged in the cultures closest to us.
posted by Panthalassa at 9:30 PM on November 8, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Panthalassa at 9:30 PM on November 8, 2017 [7 favorites]
Wow, I'm not sure if I just read a lost Philip K. Dick short story. What a world, indeed.
posted by potrzebie at 9:30 PM on November 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by potrzebie at 9:30 PM on November 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
I was going to say “I’m pretty sure you can hire an actor to do that anywhere in the world,” but okay. It might be harder to hire an actor willing to let a girl believe for eight years that he was her actual, real dad.
posted by No-sword at 9:44 PM on November 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by No-sword at 9:44 PM on November 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
Uh. I saw a television program about this sort of Japanese practice, but it only described the rent-a-significant-other stuff and fake weddings. The full extent of everything described in the OP is mind-bending. It's like cloud computing, but for socialization.
posted by XMLicious at 9:44 PM on November 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by XMLicious at 9:44 PM on November 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Spending 8 years manipulating a child into believing that a stranger is her father is creeping me out.
posted by not_the_water at 9:52 PM on November 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
posted by not_the_water at 9:52 PM on November 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
I wonder if this is where Lanthimos got the idea for Alps from.
posted by Dr Dracator at 9:59 PM on November 8, 2017
posted by Dr Dracator at 9:59 PM on November 8, 2017
Spending 8 years manipulating a child into believing that a stranger is her father is creeping me out.
Can we not, though? This is an actual industry in which actual people work and are hired by other actual people. The sensitivity of the interviewee is manifest. The longing of their clients is too. I can understand why you would want to reduce this to 'manipulation', but it actually has zero explanatory power as an interpretation and is a deeply alienating way to engage.
posted by Panthalassa at 10:02 PM on November 8, 2017 [18 favorites]
Can we not, though? This is an actual industry in which actual people work and are hired by other actual people. The sensitivity of the interviewee is manifest. The longing of their clients is too. I can understand why you would want to reduce this to 'manipulation', but it actually has zero explanatory power as an interpretation and is a deeply alienating way to engage.
posted by Panthalassa at 10:02 PM on November 8, 2017 [18 favorites]
I can't stop thinking about this. In some way it's kind of like this idea that people are replaceable. It doesn't matter which baby is in grandpa's arms, or which guy with penis is standing up there dressed as the groom, or who's doing the bowing and scraping, as long as it gets done. But on the other hand it's also this very humane idea that no, it actually doesn't matter, so fuck 'em. They want to see you in a white dress with some rando guy, fine, fuck em. Grandpa is holding a baby. This little girl thinks she has a father. It's just about getting something done that needs to get done so that people don't get hurt. Like the interviewee says, it would be better if they didn't have to do this job at all, but I guess it serves a purpose. I think it's fascinating that he dreams about telling the truth. I just don't think having these one-sided family relationships is very healthy for either party.
posted by bleep at 10:09 PM on November 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by bleep at 10:09 PM on November 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
Can we not, though? This is an actual industry in which actual people work and are hired by other actual people.
I should have prefaced that by saying I thought the article was really good. My comment wasn’t about the industry, it was about that kid.
posted by not_the_water at 10:33 PM on November 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I should have prefaced that by saying I thought the article was really good. My comment wasn’t about the industry, it was about that kid.
posted by not_the_water at 10:33 PM on November 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think this article just broke me for the night. It was beautiful, poignant, and too many of those lines were heavy-hitting. Thank you for sharing it.
posted by Iron Carbide at 11:06 PM on November 8, 2017
posted by Iron Carbide at 11:06 PM on November 8, 2017
Can we not, though? This is an actual industry in which actual people work and are hired by other actual people.
Why should that shield it from criticism? Yes, it's a different culture, yes it's a business, and it's probably even taxed, but if this young woman ever finds out her father is actually a non invested hired actor, Jesus, that's like turning the tenth circle of hell into The Truman Show.
posted by Beholder at 11:09 PM on November 8, 2017 [33 favorites]
Why should that shield it from criticism? Yes, it's a different culture, yes it's a business, and it's probably even taxed, but if this young woman ever finds out her father is actually a non invested hired actor, Jesus, that's like turning the tenth circle of hell into The Truman Show.
posted by Beholder at 11:09 PM on November 8, 2017 [33 favorites]
Why should that shield it from criticism?
It doesn't shield it from criticism. However, it makes a certain type of reductive one line criticism particularly pointless and unhelpful.
if this young woman ever finds out her father is actually a non invested hired actor
He seems pretty invested to me. I know many people who have or had 'real' fathers less invested than him.
posted by Panthalassa at 11:15 PM on November 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
It doesn't shield it from criticism. However, it makes a certain type of reductive one line criticism particularly pointless and unhelpful.
if this young woman ever finds out her father is actually a non invested hired actor
He seems pretty invested to me. I know many people who have or had 'real' fathers less invested than him.
posted by Panthalassa at 11:15 PM on November 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
> It's like cloud computing, but for socialization.
I am glad I have on-prem friends! Wouldn't trade them for all the SaaSiness in the world.
But I mean, this isn't new, right? c.f. cat cafes, cat friends for people who don't want or can't have a full-time cat.
posted by batter_my_heart at 11:33 PM on November 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
I am glad I have on-prem friends! Wouldn't trade them for all the SaaSiness in the world.
But I mean, this isn't new, right? c.f. cat cafes, cat friends for people who don't want or can't have a full-time cat.
posted by batter_my_heart at 11:33 PM on November 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Some thoughts:
OMG the thing with the girl is terrible. I understand the reasons but...what‘s it going to be like for her when she finds out??
He seems like a really nice person.
Kind, empathetic and thoughtful. Will he ever live his own life?
I gotta wonder at the boss who doesn‘t even know the employee he‘s yelling at!
posted by Omnomnom at 11:50 PM on November 8, 2017
OMG the thing with the girl is terrible. I understand the reasons but...what‘s it going to be like for her when she finds out??
He seems like a really nice person.
Kind, empathetic and thoughtful. Will he ever live his own life?
I gotta wonder at the boss who doesn‘t even know the employee he‘s yelling at!
posted by Omnomnom at 11:50 PM on November 8, 2017
This does read like fiction. I mean, Japan and its face-saving culture might raise people who would fake a human relationship just to fulfill some ideal model, but still, this degree of refusing to maintain "difficult" human relationships is... astonishing.
Would it help the society as a whole if we all pretended we are hired actors in our roles? Doesn't Japan do that already?
posted by Laotic at 11:52 PM on November 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Would it help the society as a whole if we all pretended we are hired actors in our roles? Doesn't Japan do that already?
posted by Laotic at 11:52 PM on November 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Wow, I'm not sure if I just read a lost Philip K. Dick short story.
Murakami.
posted by D.C. at 12:51 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Murakami.
posted by D.C. at 12:51 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
So they have a photo of him in the article. And he's someone's fake "father". And this is the internet. And the girl is going to see this, yeah? I really hope that's not a picture of the actual guy...
posted by qwip at 1:56 AM on November 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by qwip at 1:56 AM on November 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
How much is true, and how much is promotion, poignant tales to attract media coverage? This is a man who is telling you explicitly that he lies constantly, as a profession.
posted by Segundus at 2:16 AM on November 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 2:16 AM on November 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
How much of this is lies, given that he's being truthful?
posted by Panthalassa at 2:18 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Panthalassa at 2:18 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
I kind of have the opposite reaction to the story of the little girl whose father he's played for years. Mostly, it's the description of who her mother asked him to portray, someone who was very, very kind and never yelled. I just, I get it. That girl will have a gigantic episode if she ever finds out. But at the same time I can't help but wish I'd had a parent like that, even if they were fake.
Also says something about how much easier it is to be 'perfect' when there's nothing at stake. Well, not nothing, money, obviously, but when it's just money, and not enough to reshape your life significantly if you need to walk away from it.
posted by logarythmic at 2:49 AM on November 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
Also says something about how much easier it is to be 'perfect' when there's nothing at stake. Well, not nothing, money, obviously, but when it's just money, and not enough to reshape your life significantly if you need to walk away from it.
posted by logarythmic at 2:49 AM on November 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
My gajillion questions and thoughts, just because I knew this article would haunt me if I didn't set them out somewhere:
- discovering the truth
Morin: Does she understand that you’re not her real father?
This kind of fabrication doesn't figure into all of the services Family Romance provides. The worker hires a double of himself; the elderly man hires a wife for himself; the women hire boyfriends for themselves. What sets the 'father' role apart is that it's being played for someone who is not the client: in this case, their daughter.
Yuichi: No, the mother hasn’t told her.
Morin: How do you think she would feel if she discovered the truth?
Yuichi: I think she would be shocked. [...] I always ask every client, “Are you prepared to sustain this lie?”
I think in these situations where the 'truth' becomes something to be 'discovered', there is the sense that the truth didn't exist all along—the phrase 'living a lie' often appears. But was a lie being lived if it was only for a couple of hours every month? And shouldn't we take into consideration the fact that the fabricators were genuinely trying to provide a positive experience for the recipient of the role—something that sets this apart from ostensibly similar situations, like hoaxes, frauds, gaslighting and catfishing?
Of course, we're compelled to place ourselves in the situation of the recipient. But there's an inherent tension here because we know the reality of their situation going in. If we didn't, it wouldn't be a thought experiment, it would be real life. Maybe we should instead think of this from the perspective of the client, and the two possible realities they can bring into being—A, in which their child lives a life with one more person to love and connect to, and B, in which they live a life without that person. What possible reason could there be to not choose A? Do the ethics therefore depend on whether the client has the money and the employee the skill to prevent A ever collapsing into B?
- the 'ideal' person
Morin: How do you determine what the ideal husband or father is?
This is just an interesting reminder of how cultures and societies—any groups, really—tend to essentialise what the 'ideal' person is, when ultimately it simply lies within the domain of personal preference, and can be subject to preferences for things as variable as attitudes to facial hair, glasses, and fashion sense, as well as seemingly much more normative (yet possibly contradictory!) preferences for kindness, wiseness, affection, sternness, talkativity, hard-workingness(?) and so forth. Morin's idea that some kind of complicated external calculus takes place is immediately vanished by Yuichi stating that it's all in the hands of the client.
Yuichi: There’s an order form where every possible preference is listed: hairstyle, glasses, beard, fashion sense ... Do you like classy or casual? Is he affectionate or stern? When he arrives, should he be talkative or tired from a long day at work?
- watching movies to learn fatherhood
Yuichi: I’m not married in real life. I have no kids. At first, I couldn’t really find in myself the kind of father that she wanted me to be. So, I watched a lot of movies about fathers, and I cultivated my persona through the movies.
Another interesting tidbit. Although ideals are highly personal, they're also culturally mediated—and our ideals are created to some degree by mixing and matching from the 'ideal characteristics' we see embodied in various forms of media, authored by such people as actors, writers and directors, and thus inherently shaped by their own personal ideals.
Also, this reveals how we learn how to perform roles such as fatherhood through our culture—there's no set of instructions we're just born with. Yuichi came into his 'father' assignment with a certain conception of fatherhood, probably drawn from a variety of cultural sources. What's particularly interesting is that he learnt how to 'perform' the alternate fatherhood that his client wanted through fiction, and movies specifically—by watching other performers. I wonder whether his original conception of fatherhood still exists within him, and what movies he watched. What would happen if we all learnt what fatherhood was solely through movies?
- money, acting and transactions
Yuichi: It’s a business. I’m not going to be her father for 24 hours. It’s a set time. When I am acting with her, I don't really feel that I love her, but when the session is over and I have to go, I do feel a little sad. The kids cry sometimes. They say, “Why do you have to leave?” In those instances, I feel very sorry that I’m faking it—very guilty.
At the top of the interview, Yuichi reveals that his entire business stemmed from an act of generosity, and an unpaid, radical one at that—pretending to be the husband of a single-mother friend who was being discriminated against. Would anyone deny this wasn't an unequivocally good thing to do? I'm sure that friend expressed her appreciation somehow. If she gave him money as a token of thanks, would there be anything wrong with that? And if so, would it still be wrong if she wasn't his friend?
Isn't it funny how money changes things? I feel like a lot of my initial discomfort stemmed from the fact that this was a business, with money changing hands. It just made things feel so... transactional. But, you know, my therapist charges me money for therapy, and I don't have any problem with that. Lots of people have argued that women should be paid for their domestic and emotional labour, and I don't have any problem with that. Why then should I have any problems with this?
- the actor's 'real self'
Perhaps the notion of 'faking it' complicates things. After all, we employ therapists to actually help us with our mental health. We want an actual bond of love between us and our partner. 'Faking it' implies there was no genuine effort or ability there to begin with. I think the language of fakeness sells Yuichi and his employees short, because they seem to me to be very invested and very skilled indeed. If the recipient appreciates their work on top of that, surely the relationship is no more fake than the patient/therapist relationship, or the teacher/student relationship, or the client/carer relationship? Who are we to tell the elderly man who employs an actor to play his deceased wife that the feelings he experiences aren't real? Or the women who hire boyfriends?
Again, I think the worries mainly stem from the uncertainty around the moral questions that are raised when this service is contracted on behalf of someone else, as in the case of the daughter I discussed earlier. Otherwise, again, I would urge a shift in conceptualisation away from 'faking it' and the actor's 'real self'. If it's so hard to determine when the performance ends and the life outside of performance begins, isn't that just because we are constantly performing for everyone we meet? Instead of having multiple lives, isn't the performer just living one extended one?
- the 'optimal outcome'
I also thought questions were raised by the fact that the company has come to develop 'optimal outcomes' for particular situations that need to be resolved. The example given in the article was, in situations where a man had discovered his wife was cheating on him, pretending that she had been having an affair with a yakuza, to deter him from pursuing the matter further past an initial confrontation. I kind of wonder how heavily they lean on presets like this and how flexible they are depending on the characters of (in this situation) the husband and wife involved, because I could easily see people becoming fearful and possibly paranoid if they are tricked into thinking their (potentially ex-)partners have connections to organised crime. How much research and follow-up do these companies do to avoid or resolve such decidedly unoptimal situations?
- what we want from relationships
Morin: Why do you think these women hire you?
It's just so interesting to me that the fact that this 'ideal boyfriend' can never be your actual boyfriend is not a deterrent to these women (or anyone who contracts a partner from this company). Not just because for me, only having someone so perfect for two hours a week seems like it would be kind of painful. It also forces us to confront the fact that our ideals are so unattainable that we have to pay people if we want to see them embodied.
Yuichi: The women typically say that in a real relationship, you’re slowly building trust. It takes years to create a strong connection. For them, it’s a lot of hassle and disappointment. Imagine investing five years with someone and then they break up with you. It’s just easier to schedule two hours per week to interact with an ideal boyfriend. There’s no conflict, no jealously, no bad habits. Everything is perfect.
The fact that people hire these actors for this purpose despite these (seeming) deterrents makes me wonder what we really get out of relationships. Is the simulacra of the ideal relationship sometimes more nourishing than a regular relationship itself? If I'm being honest, I could see how it might be. A pretty face who can make good conversation and will enjoy a date with you, who will happily say they're your boyfriend if you want them to, even if it's not true. I can see how it could be incredibly tempting.
I wonder what happens to these clients in the long run. Do they keep hiring their perfect partner forever? Do they eventually adjust their expectations and settle down with someone who will actually reciprocate? Or something else entirely?
- social media and cultivating appearances
Morin: What do you predict for the future of your business?
Honestly, this is the one use of the company's services I just can't fathom at all. Genuinely: does anyone have a thoughtful interpretation of this? I can understand the desire to have a surrogate friend or partner or fiancé(e), but not this. 'Appearing popular' just seems like a flat contradiction in terms.
Yuichi: The demand is increasing. More people, for example, want help to appear popular on social media. We had one man recently who paid a huge sum just to fly with five employees to Las Vegas and take pictures for Facebook.
- 'replacing' the dead, and creating memories
Yuichi: [...] There was one case of a man in his 60s. His wife died, and he wanted to order another copy of her. We provided that.
Isn't it interesting how differently we cope with loss? I wonder what the actors do with these provided memories, which are obviously incomplete in the sense that they will never capture what the actual experiences were for the person who once had them. Also, are these memories typically ones that were shared between the client and the deceased? Or do clients also write down memories of experiences they know their partners had, even if they weren't there for them, like childhood or any time before they met? Does the client expect to be able to raise them in a chat? Or do they expect the actor to raise them themselves? Or is the motivation simply the same as when we tell our friends and family about our experiences and history: to have the opportunity to reflect on and construct our identity, and to know that there are people in the world who can appreciate how we became the person we are today?
[...]
Morin: Did she have the same memories as the wife?
Yuichi: There are certain memories, yes. There’s a blank sheet, and the client writes the memories that he wants the wife to remember.
- employee/client rules
Morin: When your employees mimic a strong emotional connection like that—is it ever a problem that they become too emotionally attached to their clients?
I'm sure these rules have failed on more than one occasion, and would be super interested in reading the stories of people who ended up in an actual relationship with the actors they hired. Do the actors (have to) find other work? How did the simulated relationship become real? I can imagine this being the premise of a zillion psychological thrillers as much as I can imagine it being the premise of a zillion zany melodramas.
Yuichi: Attachment is a problem. So, there are rules. They cannot share personal contact information. If it’s a boyfriend or girlfriend scenario, they cannot be alone in a room. They can hold hands, but they cannot hug. No kissing. No sex.
- 'more than real': reality, unfairness, perfection
The collocation of reality, realness, curation, unfairness, injustice, balance, ideality, cleanness, and perfection in the last part of the interview deserves an entire essay in itself.
The story of the woman who rented an infant for her dying father kind of adds to this cosmological context. Like, obviously this fabricated grandchild brought happiness to her grandfather, but obviously if you bring a 'fake' infant, you're expecting your father to die and never find out. If you're expecting him to die and never find out, surely your conception of death involves the cessation of feeling and sensation, and if that's true, doesn't the few hours or days of happiness you brought him really just reflect on your desire to tie the loose ends of his life up neatly, so that you can look back and tell yourself that you gave him the best death you could?
Personally, I think this man and his company do good work. But I reckon they should abolish the language of 'more than real'. Humans have been looking to find psychological comfort within this cold, hard universe since the beginning of our existence, and this is really just a new development in that process. Let's not pretend it involves transcending reality. It is reality.
- Yuichi
Will the aspects of his business that rely on deception fail if it grows too much? If it enters the public consciousness too successfully, is there the risk that people will start suspecting that a fake wedding is being thrown, or a fake employee is apologising to them?
I wish he had explained exactly why being a groom was his favourite role. Just for the spectacle? I suppose it's probably one of the briefest, most joyous and least emotionally exhausting parts to play.
- interviewing, translation and language
What a story. Like all great ones it draws so much of its effect from its indeterminacies. The interviewer (or their editor) doesn't go too deep with his questions, engaging us by forcing us to fill in the blanks, and forcing us to scour the text for the answers to all the things we want to ask but can't.
I assume Yuichi spoke in Japanese. There are the occasional tonal fluctuations in the translation that seem kind of emotionless and corporate, and I wonder whether they're because of nuances English couldn't capture or just because Yuichi dipped into a more detached register. (Or both!)
I hope someone finds some of his clients, if indeed they want to be found, and follows up with them. What did they get out of their experiences? How did they experience the fabricated nature of it all? Do they regret anything? Would they do it again?
How long until this business travels West?
I know many people who have or had 'real' fathers less invested than him.
yea, that doesn't make it right. That girl is going to find out some day, and will be devastated. And that's also going to poison her relationship with her mother, too.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:19 AM on November 9, 2017 [8 favorites]
yea, that doesn't make it right. That girl is going to find out some day, and will be devastated. And that's also going to poison her relationship with her mother, too.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:19 AM on November 9, 2017 [8 favorites]
When I was a teenager, I used to tell my parents that they didn't want the real me and they should hire an actor to play the child they preferred because I refuse to do it.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:07 AM on November 9, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:07 AM on November 9, 2017 [11 favorites]
Uh. Fuck.
It leaves me hoping that the poor girl never finds out. He'll be at her wedding. He'll be a grandparent to her children. Not for money, at that point, but out of something like personal responsibility? This is so fucked up it's a wonder that the actors even know which way is up most of the time.
posted by lydhre at 6:48 AM on November 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
It leaves me hoping that the poor girl never finds out. He'll be at her wedding. He'll be a grandparent to her children. Not for money, at that point, but out of something like personal responsibility? This is so fucked up it's a wonder that the actors even know which way is up most of the time.
posted by lydhre at 6:48 AM on November 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
This is pretty good marketing, but if I were an editor at a newspaper I would not publish it without a lot more investigation.
I can believe that he uses a website to recruit people to be seat fillers at weddings or corporate events, but I just don't find it credible that he plans to pretend to be a girl's father for the rest of his life. It seems more likely that it's just, you know, his estranged daughter.
I can find no news sources about this guy that date from before he released a press release in February of this year touting 489 clients in 2016, but admittedly I don't really have good access to japanese-language newspapers.
posted by muddgirl at 6:50 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
I can believe that he uses a website to recruit people to be seat fillers at weddings or corporate events, but I just don't find it credible that he plans to pretend to be a girl's father for the rest of his life. It seems more likely that it's just, you know, his estranged daughter.
I can find no news sources about this guy that date from before he released a press release in February of this year touting 489 clients in 2016, but admittedly I don't really have good access to japanese-language newspapers.
posted by muddgirl at 6:50 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
This does read like fiction.
Well over ten years ago, maybe twenty, I saw a snippet on TV about two elderly Asians hiring an actor to portray their son, so they could attend a festival without attracting pity. This seems to have been going on a while.
And don't forget the long history of hiring professional mourners to attend funerals.
posted by Beholder at 6:54 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Well over ten years ago, maybe twenty, I saw a snippet on TV about two elderly Asians hiring an actor to portray their son, so they could attend a festival without attracting pity. This seems to have been going on a while.
And don't forget the long history of hiring professional mourners to attend funerals.
posted by Beholder at 6:54 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you really want your brain broken, read this in close proximity to the Vox article "America is facing an epistemic crisis."
posted by HotToddy at 7:17 AM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 7:17 AM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
I can totally understand this, and support it.
There are real human needs -- societal, emotional, physical -- which often cannot be met in one's personal set of circumstances. Those human needs may be able to be suppressed for a while, but they are indeed real and ultimately cannot be denied.
Assuming this story is true, there are people willing to address those needs on a contractual basis. Actors are willing to scratch that itch. Actors are acting, presenting a play which will relieve whatever human pressure for a while. Sometimes that play will succeed, sometimes not. Should the risk of failure prevent any attempt to relieve that pressure? So there's a lack of authenticity -- so what? We all make compromises just to get through the day as best we can. And here there are actors willing to help people do that, to cope with these pressures. They are helping people, albeit in a potentially messy way.
As for the case of the girl and the absent father (and again, assuming this is all true) -- I trust the mother to be acting in her daughter's best interests. The mother hired this actor to relieve human pressures on both the mother and the girl. The actor is doing his job, and this may seem weird from the outside. But humans are weird. Human feelings are weird. People are helping people with their human needs. Yeah, it's far from ideal, but what is ever ideal in human relations?
Dunno. I'm not feeling the sense of opposition that others have here.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:18 AM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
There are real human needs -- societal, emotional, physical -- which often cannot be met in one's personal set of circumstances. Those human needs may be able to be suppressed for a while, but they are indeed real and ultimately cannot be denied.
Assuming this story is true, there are people willing to address those needs on a contractual basis. Actors are willing to scratch that itch. Actors are acting, presenting a play which will relieve whatever human pressure for a while. Sometimes that play will succeed, sometimes not. Should the risk of failure prevent any attempt to relieve that pressure? So there's a lack of authenticity -- so what? We all make compromises just to get through the day as best we can. And here there are actors willing to help people do that, to cope with these pressures. They are helping people, albeit in a potentially messy way.
As for the case of the girl and the absent father (and again, assuming this is all true) -- I trust the mother to be acting in her daughter's best interests. The mother hired this actor to relieve human pressures on both the mother and the girl. The actor is doing his job, and this may seem weird from the outside. But humans are weird. Human feelings are weird. People are helping people with their human needs. Yeah, it's far from ideal, but what is ever ideal in human relations?
Dunno. I'm not feeling the sense of opposition that others have here.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:18 AM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
So there's a lack of authenticity -- so what?
Yeah. I keep thinking about all the generations of women who are coerced into marriage and motherhood and lifetimes of emotional labor. Nobody seems to care much about authenticity in that situation.
And the girl with a fake father...yeah I don’t know. I think a lot depends on how she finds out. If I found out something like this now, as an adult...of course it would be a rupture, but I also see it as a mother doing her best to provide her child with something the child needs. The mother is willing to sustain a lie forever, presumably, to make her kid happy. People lie to their kids all the time, routinely, for far less selfless reasons. And yet I think if I found out about something like this as an adolescent or in my early 20s, before I had a lot of relationship experience of my own outside of family, it would have fucked me up pretty badly.
And yet...you can say that about a lot of things. At least here there’s a parent who’s trying.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:33 AM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
Yeah. I keep thinking about all the generations of women who are coerced into marriage and motherhood and lifetimes of emotional labor. Nobody seems to care much about authenticity in that situation.
And the girl with a fake father...yeah I don’t know. I think a lot depends on how she finds out. If I found out something like this now, as an adult...of course it would be a rupture, but I also see it as a mother doing her best to provide her child with something the child needs. The mother is willing to sustain a lie forever, presumably, to make her kid happy. People lie to their kids all the time, routinely, for far less selfless reasons. And yet I think if I found out about something like this as an adolescent or in my early 20s, before I had a lot of relationship experience of my own outside of family, it would have fucked me up pretty badly.
And yet...you can say that about a lot of things. At least here there’s a parent who’s trying.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:33 AM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
The idea of hiring someone to be a mourner at my funeral made me unexpectedly and profoundly sad. Leaving work early to take my daughter out of school and buy her ice cream now.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 7:40 AM on November 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 7:40 AM on November 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
I'm sure these rules have failed on more than one occasion, and would be super interested in reading the stories of people who ended up in an actual relationship with the actors they hired. Do the actors (have to) find other work? How did the simulated relationship become real? I can imagine this being the premise of a zillion psychological thrillers as much as I can imagine it being the premise of a zillion zany melodramas.
this is the whole basis of professional ethics regarding dual roles in psychotherapy, which as an institution is every bit as weird and shocking as this and much more intentionally manipulative. but these issues have been exhaustively considered and worked out in a very similar context, it's hardly a brand new world of ethical questions.
the notable difference from certain types of therapy here is that the power is firmly in the hands of the clients. the actors have their own restrictions on what they will not do, but they don't make the decisions about what kind of behavior or what kind of emotional expression will be good for their customers; they receive a request and fulfill it to the extent of their abilities if they are willing to. which I think is a good thing.
I do not think the fake dad thing is defensible but a lot of decisions people make for their children are very bad. probably a lot of people would prefer a good part-time pretend dad to a terrible real full-time stepdad. then again, if this were done to me I wouldn't forgive it as long as I lived.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:47 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
this is the whole basis of professional ethics regarding dual roles in psychotherapy, which as an institution is every bit as weird and shocking as this and much more intentionally manipulative. but these issues have been exhaustively considered and worked out in a very similar context, it's hardly a brand new world of ethical questions.
the notable difference from certain types of therapy here is that the power is firmly in the hands of the clients. the actors have their own restrictions on what they will not do, but they don't make the decisions about what kind of behavior or what kind of emotional expression will be good for their customers; they receive a request and fulfill it to the extent of their abilities if they are willing to. which I think is a good thing.
I do not think the fake dad thing is defensible but a lot of decisions people make for their children are very bad. probably a lot of people would prefer a good part-time pretend dad to a terrible real full-time stepdad. then again, if this were done to me I wouldn't forgive it as long as I lived.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:47 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
How long until this business travels West?
Not soon enough for my 35th high school reunion this weekend.
not 100% kidding about this
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:05 AM on November 9, 2017 [10 favorites]
Not soon enough for my 35th high school reunion this weekend.
not 100% kidding about this
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:05 AM on November 9, 2017 [10 favorites]
pending 8 years manipulating a child into believing that a stranger is her father is creeping me out.
Can we not, though? This is an actual industry in which actual people work and are hired by other actual people. The sensitivity of the interviewee is manifest. The longing of their clients is too. I can understand why you would want to reduce this to 'manipulation', but it actually has zero explanatory power as an interpretation and is a deeply alienating way to engage.--Panthalassa
I remember reading about this guy who had two families. One of them was the 'hidden' family, though his kids didn't understand why they often had to 'hide out'. When they found out, it was absolutely devastating to the kids. It basically destroyed them. One of them killed himself. I think it is wrong to say we shouldn't look at this critically.
posted by eye of newt at 8:24 AM on November 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
Can we not, though? This is an actual industry in which actual people work and are hired by other actual people. The sensitivity of the interviewee is manifest. The longing of their clients is too. I can understand why you would want to reduce this to 'manipulation', but it actually has zero explanatory power as an interpretation and is a deeply alienating way to engage.--Panthalassa
I remember reading about this guy who had two families. One of them was the 'hidden' family, though his kids didn't understand why they often had to 'hide out'. When they found out, it was absolutely devastating to the kids. It basically destroyed them. One of them killed himself. I think it is wrong to say we shouldn't look at this critically.
posted by eye of newt at 8:24 AM on November 9, 2017 [5 favorites]
I can totally understand this, and support it.
Not me. Too many ways that an emotionally vulnerable person could be exploited. What we need to do, obviously, is more investment in social services.
posted by Beholder at 8:36 AM on November 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Not me. Too many ways that an emotionally vulnerable person could be exploited. What we need to do, obviously, is more investment in social services.
posted by Beholder at 8:36 AM on November 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Ellen Page did a Vice series about being gay in Japan. In one of the episodes they tag along with a rent-a-friend as support for someone who was coming out to their mother: https://www.viceland.com/en_us/video/coming-out-japan-excerpt/56cb6de5d66c5a3822272d09
posted by waninggibbon at 8:40 AM on November 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by waninggibbon at 8:40 AM on November 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Again, you know, I'm not saying we shouldn't look at this critically. I'm just saying that calling this 'manipulation' fundamentally does nothing to help us understand this situation. Obviously a parent doesn't hire someone to do this out of a desire to manipulate their child. Calling it 'manipulation' doesn't make sense; it's plainly a knee-jerk reaction, and I think the topic deserves better than that.
Fundamentally, the fact that people have hired these companies to do these things shows us that the ways we think about fabrication and simulation aren't universal. The fact that they are attitudes we often hold quite strongly in our part of the world makes it even more interesting that they can't be taken for granted everywhere. So I'm just trying to look at this from the perspective of someone who thinks about these things so differently, partly because I want to see if my previously-held conceptions still hold up, and partly because I think it's worthwhile to learn about the variety of ways in which people think about these fundamental questions of human experience.
posted by Panthalassa at 8:42 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Fundamentally, the fact that people have hired these companies to do these things shows us that the ways we think about fabrication and simulation aren't universal. The fact that they are attitudes we often hold quite strongly in our part of the world makes it even more interesting that they can't be taken for granted everywhere. So I'm just trying to look at this from the perspective of someone who thinks about these things so differently, partly because I want to see if my previously-held conceptions still hold up, and partly because I think it's worthwhile to learn about the variety of ways in which people think about these fundamental questions of human experience.
posted by Panthalassa at 8:42 AM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'd probably pay someone to front for me on social media
posted by thelonius at 8:45 AM on November 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by thelonius at 8:45 AM on November 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
This is pretty good marketing, but if I were an editor at a newspaper I would not publish it without a lot more investigation.
Yeah, absent any corroborating evidence—of which I see none in this article: no perspective from any one else in the company, no perspective from any employees, no perspective from any customers—I'm going to remain skeptical of a piece which consists of a single interview leaning hard on the notion of the uncanny East.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:51 AM on November 9, 2017 [8 favorites]
Yeah, absent any corroborating evidence—of which I see none in this article: no perspective from any one else in the company, no perspective from any employees, no perspective from any customers—I'm going to remain skeptical of a piece which consists of a single interview leaning hard on the notion of the uncanny East.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:51 AM on November 9, 2017 [8 favorites]
I want this service. Not for any kind of deep emotional fulfillment; just to fuck with people. Show up at church every week with a different wife, acting like nothing has changed (I don't go to church, but I guess I could hire someone for that). I want a superficially similar "me" sitting at my desk to see how many of my coworkers decide to roll with it. Or hire an entourage to follow me around like a celebrity for an afternoon. I want an Uber for engineering hilarious social situations.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 10:11 AM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 10:11 AM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
Panthalassa "I wish he had explained exactly why being a groom was his favourite role. Just for the spectacle? I suppose it's probably one of the briefest, most joyous and least emotionally exhausting parts to play."
Yuichi says in the article: "Everyone on my side is a coworker, and they’re all celebrating me. So, there is a moment when it does seem very real."
Interesting to me that his favorite role is his favorite because it seems to be the most "real"...
posted by Grither at 10:17 AM on November 9, 2017
Yuichi says in the article: "Everyone on my side is a coworker, and they’re all celebrating me. So, there is a moment when it does seem very real."
Interesting to me that his favorite role is his favorite because it seems to be the most "real"...
posted by Grither at 10:17 AM on November 9, 2017
I once had dinner plans with a coworker and his wife. For some reason I became extremely apprehensive about going solo to dinner with a couple I didn't know very well. I posted an ad to Craigslist saying, in summary, that I was looking for a woman to come as my date who would pretend to know me. In return I would cover dinner, and also it was not a real date, just a strange social-anxiety-easing exercise. To my surprise I got a number of interested replies. I made plans with the one who seemed like the best fit and we arranged to meet at the restaurant.
So I get there, and the coworker and his wife are there. My pretend date shows up and is doing great, totally acts like she knows me. I, however, am a notoriously terrible liar, so when my coworker asks me how we met there is an awkward pause and I spill the beans on the whole arrangement. Perhaps because I was blatantly honest (and also because this is now one for their "weird stories from work" playbook) it was taken well, and we had a lovely dinner. The woman pretending to be my date was likewise very pleasant and a good conversationalist.
My fake date and I ended up going on a few real dates after that and discovered that we had friends in common, because SF was a small town, and also the demographic of people who would agree to (or instigate) such shenanigans was likely vanishingly small.
In short, I kind of understand why the industry from TFA exists.
posted by grumpybear69 at 10:54 AM on November 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
So I get there, and the coworker and his wife are there. My pretend date shows up and is doing great, totally acts like she knows me. I, however, am a notoriously terrible liar, so when my coworker asks me how we met there is an awkward pause and I spill the beans on the whole arrangement. Perhaps because I was blatantly honest (and also because this is now one for their "weird stories from work" playbook) it was taken well, and we had a lovely dinner. The woman pretending to be my date was likewise very pleasant and a good conversationalist.
My fake date and I ended up going on a few real dates after that and discovered that we had friends in common, because SF was a small town, and also the demographic of people who would agree to (or instigate) such shenanigans was likely vanishingly small.
In short, I kind of understand why the industry from TFA exists.
posted by grumpybear69 at 10:54 AM on November 9, 2017 [7 favorites]
We talk regularly here on MetaFilter about gaslighting. Here's an article, for example, that was recently the subject of a front page post:
https://norasamaran.com/2016/06/28/on-gaslighting/
I've had the above article open in a tab in my browser for a few days and just got around to reading it, right after the interview featured in this post. The gaslighting article put into sharp relief the ethical problems presented in the Yuichi interview.
Is this rent-an-intimate business not the ultimate form of gaslighting? Hiring a fake parent figure, constraining their emotional responses with a contract, and presenting them to a child as authentic? Is this not a profound example of child abuse of the emotional variety? Panthalassa, you suggest that gaslighting would be different from this because "the fabricators were genuinely trying to provide a positive experience for the recipient", but it seems to me that your distinction is only relevant if we're prepared to entirely excuse the perpetrator in this scenario for failing to consider what will happen if the lie is discovered.
posted by The Minotaur at 10:55 AM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
https://norasamaran.com/2016/06/28/on-gaslighting/
I've had the above article open in a tab in my browser for a few days and just got around to reading it, right after the interview featured in this post. The gaslighting article put into sharp relief the ethical problems presented in the Yuichi interview.
Is this rent-an-intimate business not the ultimate form of gaslighting? Hiring a fake parent figure, constraining their emotional responses with a contract, and presenting them to a child as authentic? Is this not a profound example of child abuse of the emotional variety? Panthalassa, you suggest that gaslighting would be different from this because "the fabricators were genuinely trying to provide a positive experience for the recipient", but it seems to me that your distinction is only relevant if we're prepared to entirely excuse the perpetrator in this scenario for failing to consider what will happen if the lie is discovered.
posted by The Minotaur at 10:55 AM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
...aaaand on reading the article, I maybe don't understand it after all.
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:00 AM on November 9, 2017
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:00 AM on November 9, 2017
Is this rent-an-intimate business not the ultimate form of gaslighting? Hiring a fake parent figure, constraining their emotional responses with a contract, and presenting them to a child as authentic? Is this not a profound example of child abuse of the emotional variety?
Initially I was going to go for a hard nope on this. But then I realized I was doing that because, well, I grew up with a far more direct version of emotional abuse, and it felt belittling to me to raise this up as The Ultimate Form when there exists sooooo much worse.
But then it's not like we have enough detail to know just how bad the rest of what that woman may or may not be doing to her daughter is. It could be as simple as "I am too emotionally constipated to tell my daughter the truth and weather the storm" or as awful as "I have told my daughter the truth and I hold it over her regularly as well as paying for more 'father' visits which she accepts because she's just that desperate for connection". Or any other thing in between.
posted by logarythmic at 12:00 PM on November 9, 2017
Initially I was going to go for a hard nope on this. But then I realized I was doing that because, well, I grew up with a far more direct version of emotional abuse, and it felt belittling to me to raise this up as The Ultimate Form when there exists sooooo much worse.
But then it's not like we have enough detail to know just how bad the rest of what that woman may or may not be doing to her daughter is. It could be as simple as "I am too emotionally constipated to tell my daughter the truth and weather the storm" or as awful as "I have told my daughter the truth and I hold it over her regularly as well as paying for more 'father' visits which she accepts because she's just that desperate for connection". Or any other thing in between.
posted by logarythmic at 12:00 PM on November 9, 2017
This reads like one of those New Yorker "trend" articles to me. I can believe it has happened a few times, and I can believe he has a company doing this to some degree. But its not even remotely a common or normal thing in Japan. My wife has never heard about this, I've never heard any of my friends or relatives in Japan say anything about this, etc.
I don't think this says much about "Japanese culture" any more than those trend pieces say anything about "American culture" (as opposed to "a handful of people in the Upper West Side").
[edit: maybe I'm thinking New York Times? whichever does those]
posted by thefoxgod at 12:37 PM on November 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
I don't think this says much about "Japanese culture" any more than those trend pieces say anything about "American culture" (as opposed to "a handful of people in the Upper West Side").
[edit: maybe I'm thinking New York Times? whichever does those]
posted by thefoxgod at 12:37 PM on November 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
Wife: what's wrong?
Me: I just read a beautiful nightmare...
Wife: o_O
Me: what do you think emotional prostition is a symptom of?
posted by The Power Nap at 12:45 PM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
Me: I just read a beautiful nightmare...
Wife: o_O
Me: what do you think emotional prostition is a symptom of?
posted by The Power Nap at 12:45 PM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
My first immediate thought is to feel sorry for the girl. Even if she never learns the truth, her "father" is going to die when the actor retires. That's an early age, especially in Japan. Also, I wonder if a Shinto temple would allow a mock funeral with mock priests. Or will they have to build their own temple to hold the funeral?
At the same time, this is payment for emotional labor. It's not being acknowledged that way, but that's what it is. It's payment for being the attentive father, the cowed subordinate, the ecstatic groom. The actors have to put a great deal of thought into the people they become, navigating complex emotional areas and thinking first and foremost of the needs of the client (minus all caveats). I wonder if that will make people think of this as something akin to prostitution, in the "you shouldn't have to pay for that" line of thinking.
I have less trouble with the one off appearances than I do the continuing ones. Homosexuality is still taboo in Japan. In addition to that, there are large numbers of men and women who are just not getting married. So providing an out is something I support. Take a look at the above mention of Ellen Page's series- it's worth watching how the hired friend goes and calms down and comforts the mother when her son comes out to her. It would not have gone well in the end without the hired friend. In long term situations, where a person is relied on for a contract, well, that's more problematic. You are not looking for help in a specific situation, but rather contracting someone for long term emotional support without informing everyone who may be relying on them. If all parties do know this, then great, the women going on dates with an attractive young man for fun, I think that is fantastic. The situation with the girl and the actor playing her father, however, does deceive the girl in a way that will cause her a great deal of harm if she finds out and will still upset her when he retires.
posted by Hactar at 12:48 PM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
At the same time, this is payment for emotional labor. It's not being acknowledged that way, but that's what it is. It's payment for being the attentive father, the cowed subordinate, the ecstatic groom. The actors have to put a great deal of thought into the people they become, navigating complex emotional areas and thinking first and foremost of the needs of the client (minus all caveats). I wonder if that will make people think of this as something akin to prostitution, in the "you shouldn't have to pay for that" line of thinking.
I have less trouble with the one off appearances than I do the continuing ones. Homosexuality is still taboo in Japan. In addition to that, there are large numbers of men and women who are just not getting married. So providing an out is something I support. Take a look at the above mention of Ellen Page's series- it's worth watching how the hired friend goes and calms down and comforts the mother when her son comes out to her. It would not have gone well in the end without the hired friend. In long term situations, where a person is relied on for a contract, well, that's more problematic. You are not looking for help in a specific situation, but rather contracting someone for long term emotional support without informing everyone who may be relying on them. If all parties do know this, then great, the women going on dates with an attractive young man for fun, I think that is fantastic. The situation with the girl and the actor playing her father, however, does deceive the girl in a way that will cause her a great deal of harm if she finds out and will still upset her when he retires.
posted by Hactar at 12:48 PM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
I tried to verify the existence of this, or something like it, on Wikipedia, and though I had no success in the few minutes I spent looking, I did come across a fascinating article about French claquers. According to the article, in the 19th century groups of sham audience members were hired by playwrights and stage entertainers to applaud and generally create an atmosphere of having a good time during a performance. But then they became a sort of extortionate mafia, demanding protection payoffs lest they show up and boo.
posted by XMLicious at 1:11 PM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by XMLicious at 1:11 PM on November 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
her "father" is going to die when the actor retires
Or he's going to be the second deadbeat dad in her life (since the bio dad disappeared after the divorce), once the mother dies/cannot pay "about 20,000 yen per four hours, plus expenses. That’s about $200." Or what if the original father eventually resurfaces?
This is surreal. Supposedly, he's played a groom multiple times, a father multiple times, a disgraced salaryman multiple times... and leads an 800-employee company he started 8 years ago, at age 28. Which is when he began playing the now 20-year-old woman's father.
Just how big is Japan, that people aren't tripping over these actors and recognizing them across several roles? Or, someone might know an actor from their normal non-working hours, in the company of their actual families, and believe they hold a ordinary office job... Imagine being that wedding guest, utterly shocked that your nephew Daisuke's apparently keen on bigamy.
Professional mourning is an ancient practice; here's a 2016 cracked.com article on its resurgence.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:25 PM on November 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Or he's going to be the second deadbeat dad in her life (since the bio dad disappeared after the divorce), once the mother dies/cannot pay "about 20,000 yen per four hours, plus expenses. That’s about $200." Or what if the original father eventually resurfaces?
This is surreal. Supposedly, he's played a groom multiple times, a father multiple times, a disgraced salaryman multiple times... and leads an 800-employee company he started 8 years ago, at age 28. Which is when he began playing the now 20-year-old woman's father.
Just how big is Japan, that people aren't tripping over these actors and recognizing them across several roles? Or, someone might know an actor from their normal non-working hours, in the company of their actual families, and believe they hold a ordinary office job... Imagine being that wedding guest, utterly shocked that your nephew Daisuke's apparently keen on bigamy.
Professional mourning is an ancient practice; here's a 2016 cracked.com article on its resurgence.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:25 PM on November 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
This reads like one of those New Yorker "trend" articles to me.
They're known for their fact-checking, at least.
posted by thelonius at 2:12 PM on November 9, 2017
They're known for their fact-checking, at least.
posted by thelonius at 2:12 PM on November 9, 2017
They're known for their fact-checking, at least.
After more thought, I almost certainly was thinking of the NYT. Whichever the ones that get mocked mercilessly when posted to MeFi are.
posted by thefoxgod at 2:55 PM on November 9, 2017
After more thought, I almost certainly was thinking of the NYT. Whichever the ones that get mocked mercilessly when posted to MeFi are.
posted by thefoxgod at 2:55 PM on November 9, 2017
Panthalassa, you suggest that gaslighting would be different from this because "the fabricators were genuinely trying to provide a positive experience for the recipient", but it seems to me that your distinction is only relevant if we're prepared to entirely excuse the perpetrator in this scenario for failing to consider what will happen if the lie is discovered.
Mmm yeah, I slept on this and I'm much less comfortable with the situation of the unaware child than I was before. I wonder if, in hindsight, Yuichi and the mother regret not simply telling the daughter that, you know, this man is going to pick you up from school every now and then so that your bullies think he's your father and go away. Or whatever they needed to do to get the bullies off her case. Essentially, he's just going to be doing a few minding / nannying type things every now and then. (Is there any need to frame it as acting? Don't all people who work with children present a version of themselves that differs from their core identity?) And just make it clear that he's not going to be around forever.
I mean, my parents both worked long hours when I was a child, and my siblings and I had a series of nannies—5 in total. I grew close to all of them, but now, in my early 20s, I only really remember the most recent one, who mainly focused on my younger siblings and probably finished up with us when I was about 15. Obviously she's not being paid any more, but we developed a genuine friendship and I actually moved in with her and her partner for a year. We're friends on Facebook and will exchange the occasional message.
Not being Japanese or living in Japan, there are obviously cultural factors that I am unaware of. But simply hiring this guy as a nanny and making that clear to the daughter could have potentially had the same benefits for her without any of the deception. I don't understand why an approach closer to that wasn't taken.
posted by Panthalassa at 8:40 PM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
Mmm yeah, I slept on this and I'm much less comfortable with the situation of the unaware child than I was before. I wonder if, in hindsight, Yuichi and the mother regret not simply telling the daughter that, you know, this man is going to pick you up from school every now and then so that your bullies think he's your father and go away. Or whatever they needed to do to get the bullies off her case. Essentially, he's just going to be doing a few minding / nannying type things every now and then. (Is there any need to frame it as acting? Don't all people who work with children present a version of themselves that differs from their core identity?) And just make it clear that he's not going to be around forever.
I mean, my parents both worked long hours when I was a child, and my siblings and I had a series of nannies—5 in total. I grew close to all of them, but now, in my early 20s, I only really remember the most recent one, who mainly focused on my younger siblings and probably finished up with us when I was about 15. Obviously she's not being paid any more, but we developed a genuine friendship and I actually moved in with her and her partner for a year. We're friends on Facebook and will exchange the occasional message.
Not being Japanese or living in Japan, there are obviously cultural factors that I am unaware of. But simply hiring this guy as a nanny and making that clear to the daughter could have potentially had the same benefits for her without any of the deception. I don't understand why an approach closer to that wasn't taken.
posted by Panthalassa at 8:40 PM on November 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
Panthalassa: I know what you mean since my parents had a self-employed business and I often spent more time with some employees/teachers vs them just because. I admit, I never spoke to them after it was sold but at the time I felt a real connection to total strangers which helped me as a introverted child. In the end I never felt how that the relationship felt "fake" because at the moment I had a attentive grown-up who would pick me up from school, help with homework, and prepare meals for me.
FWIW: It was a lot realer than some of people who had parents but ignored their kids due to work, personality conflicts, or just weren't interested in being parents.
posted by chrono_rabbit at 6:58 AM on November 24, 2017
FWIW: It was a lot realer than some of people who had parents but ignored their kids due to work, personality conflicts, or just weren't interested in being parents.
posted by chrono_rabbit at 6:58 AM on November 24, 2017
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I'm not sure whether to be touched or feel a strange sadness. I know this kind of thing happens on a smaller scale in other contexts, but…
posted by Alensin at 9:20 PM on November 8, 2017 [2 favorites]