ZOOMIES ZOOMIES ZOOMIES ZOOMIES ZOOMIES ZOOMIES ZOOMIES ZOOMIES ZOOMIES
December 2, 2017 10:46 PM Subscribe
When Princess Zoe the Magnificent gets the zoomies, I get the hell out of the way. Ninety pounds of Pibble coming at you at breakneck speed is a recipe for disaster in most circumstances as it is. When she's so excited that she can't stop? I've gone ass over teakettle a number of times when her big head has made contact.
Bruises or no, watching her suddenly tear around like her ass is on fire is pretty hilarious.
posted by MissySedai at 11:02 PM on December 2, 2017 [9 favorites]
Bruises or no, watching her suddenly tear around like her ass is on fire is pretty hilarious.
posted by MissySedai at 11:02 PM on December 2, 2017 [9 favorites]
A neighbor used to throw a ball across the big yard for his four dogs to chase. They'd go running after it in a close group, but one dog always got there first.
And always overshot the ball by several steps. The second dog to get there always got the ball.
I guess Dog #1 just had the zoomies.
posted by straight at 11:05 PM on December 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
And always overshot the ball by several steps. The second dog to get there always got the ball.
I guess Dog #1 just had the zoomies.
posted by straight at 11:05 PM on December 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
My mom's 17 pound mop scares me when he gets the zooms. I can't imagine ninety pounds of pit.
He likes to race around the coffee table but as his speed increases his orbit decays. First it's circular, then elliptical, then he breaks free of the table's gravity well and that's when you have to prepare to receive a floofy chest punch.
I love him.
posted by orange ball at 11:13 PM on December 2, 2017 [26 favorites]
He likes to race around the coffee table but as his speed increases his orbit decays. First it's circular, then elliptical, then he breaks free of the table's gravity well and that's when you have to prepare to receive a floofy chest punch.
I love him.
posted by orange ball at 11:13 PM on December 2, 2017 [26 favorites]
The Zoomies are a specific dog behavior, not just being the fastest dog in the pack.
Typically, you'll see short bursts of high-speed running with the dog's butt and tail tucked down tight (around here the Zoomies are called 'the bum-downs'). You'll also see random, short-duration play bows. Zoomie dogs who have recently been bathed will also roll in anything soft, including bedclothes, mud and manure (DAMHIK. And if you're lucky, in that order.)
posted by workerant at 11:17 PM on December 2, 2017 [6 favorites]
Typically, you'll see short bursts of high-speed running with the dog's butt and tail tucked down tight (around here the Zoomies are called 'the bum-downs'). You'll also see random, short-duration play bows. Zoomie dogs who have recently been bathed will also roll in anything soft, including bedclothes, mud and manure (DAMHIK. And if you're lucky, in that order.)
posted by workerant at 11:17 PM on December 2, 2017 [6 favorites]
i can think of no finer way to perish than crushed beneath the zoomies of an excited pibble
posted by poffin boffin at 11:41 PM on December 2, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:41 PM on December 2, 2017 [11 favorites]
I was shocked that there are articles advising owners to stop their dog mid-zoomies! Monsters.
Around here the most sure fire way to trigger them is to give our dog a bath. Dunno why. But it's hilarious!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:56 PM on December 2, 2017 [6 favorites]
Around here the most sure fire way to trigger them is to give our dog a bath. Dunno why. But it's hilarious!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:56 PM on December 2, 2017 [6 favorites]
Listen no one died and made me the judge of zoomies or anything but I gotta say you'd have to work pretty hard to convince me that there are better zoomies than the ones performed by a greyhound in Batman pajamas.
posted by WidgetAlley at 12:10 AM on December 3, 2017 [34 favorites]
posted by WidgetAlley at 12:10 AM on December 3, 2017 [34 favorites]
I recently jumped at the chance to dog-sit for my neighbor's beagle. Without ever having my own dog, I sure was startled at the end of the first day when the cute and playful pup started manically darting around my apartment. I thought I had lost control of the dog until his parents explained it was just the "zoomies."
Sure enough it would happen around the same time every night no matter how far we walked or how much we played each day. Like clockwork, after his last walk and not long before bed he would turn into a mix of Cujo and Bo Jackson running sideways along the outfield walls during his mad sprints in circles around my place. Then, he would bonk and turn back into a friendly little dog.
posted by This_Will_Be_Good at 1:04 AM on December 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
Sure enough it would happen around the same time every night no matter how far we walked or how much we played each day. Like clockwork, after his last walk and not long before bed he would turn into a mix of Cujo and Bo Jackson running sideways along the outfield walls during his mad sprints in circles around my place. Then, he would bonk and turn back into a friendly little dog.
posted by This_Will_Be_Good at 1:04 AM on December 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
My dog zooms like crazy every time someone arrives at our home. Each person gets their own, so beware the days when we have more than one guest.
Before, he would grab a pillow from the sofa to take with him round the house, but now he's ruined all the pillows and he will take my wellingtons instead. It's limiting my social life, but he is a good dog.
posted by mumimor at 1:09 AM on December 3, 2017 [9 favorites]
Before, he would grab a pillow from the sofa to take with him round the house, but now he's ruined all the pillows and he will take my wellingtons instead. It's limiting my social life, but he is a good dog.
posted by mumimor at 1:09 AM on December 3, 2017 [9 favorites]
Is that what they call it when baseball players do it?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:10 AM on December 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:10 AM on December 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
As I suspected, Labradors do the cutest zoomies.
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:01 AM on December 3, 2017
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:01 AM on December 3, 2017
My Mugsy FRAPs his ass off after every bath. Which was a challenge when he was being treated for heartworms, because they can drop dead if their heart rate gets high. I contained him as best I could and held my breath with every bath.
Now, though, it’s my favorite thing since the kids were toddlers and we would have the post-bath Running of The Nekkid Babbies.
My job is to provide commentary. I ask if he wants a FRAPpuccino. I ask if he wants to zoom-a-zoom-zoom in anyone’s boom boom (answer: almost certainly; dude’s a humper). While he’s rolling around in his cozy cave to dry all sides at once, I call him FRAPs Waller.
No one in my family laughs at this commentary, but I am relatively certain they understand its critical importance to the bath process.
posted by middleclasstool at 6:24 AM on December 3, 2017 [13 favorites]
Now, though, it’s my favorite thing since the kids were toddlers and we would have the post-bath Running of The Nekkid Babbies.
My job is to provide commentary. I ask if he wants a FRAPpuccino. I ask if he wants to zoom-a-zoom-zoom in anyone’s boom boom (answer: almost certainly; dude’s a humper). While he’s rolling around in his cozy cave to dry all sides at once, I call him FRAPs Waller.
No one in my family laughs at this commentary, but I am relatively certain they understand its critical importance to the bath process.
posted by middleclasstool at 6:24 AM on December 3, 2017 [13 favorites]
It's not just dogs: except for one, every cat I've owned that was under 10 got The Rips at least once a day and tore around like a hairy firework for a while. (The exception? A rescue cat who came to us crippled with osteoarthritis in three legs and her tail.)
The particularly impressive aspect of cat craziness is that if they're not overweight they do indoor parkour in all three dimensions, including short take-off/vertical landing.
posted by cstross at 6:39 AM on December 3, 2017 [29 favorites]
The particularly impressive aspect of cat craziness is that if they're not overweight they do indoor parkour in all three dimensions, including short take-off/vertical landing.
posted by cstross at 6:39 AM on December 3, 2017 [29 favorites]
I see your pittie and raise you a St. Bernard. We had a Saint whose version of the zoomies was to charge straight at you from across our (big) yard and veer off to one side at the very last second. We had to warn visitors that if he did that, you must stand very still after someone panicked and tried to dodge—right into his path.
posted by BrashTech at 6:42 AM on December 3, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by BrashTech at 6:42 AM on December 3, 2017 [6 favorites]
Ah yes, the zoomies. I grew up in a house with two great Danes. When they got the zoomies you headed for high ground because a Dane in high motion has the coordination of a drunk giraffe on roller skates, and when 180 pounds hits you at that speed it's like having the soul knocked out of your body.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 6:56 AM on December 3, 2017 [28 favorites]
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 6:56 AM on December 3, 2017 [28 favorites]
Some years back, we adopted a scraggly little old terrier from the shelter. He was a crotchety little guy, but we took him to the vet, put him on Myristol for his arthritis, and diagnosed his complete deafness, which I guess nobody noticed before because he also would not listen to people on purpose, even apparently when he could hear. Our perfect dog pit mix was a third his age and three times his size, but she's a saint, and let him walk all over her, sometimes literally, even though he didn't seem to like her much. He hadn't lived with another dog before that we know of, so he just didn't have the social skills, I guess.
Then, one day, she was looking out the front door, and the little guy strolled up, goosed her HARD with his nose, and then turned around and booked it. She ran after him and did a fantastic job of pretending not to be able to catch up, and they ran laps around the house for a good five minutes straight. From then on, until he really started to decline and lose the use of his back legs, he'd do that almost every day, making snarly growling noises the whole time.
Our perfect dog is now about 12, and she has a younger sister. They wrassle and play bitey face and run around together all the time, but every now and again, when the younger one (about 60 pounds, solid muscle and energy) still has some energy to burn off, she'll run that same track around the house, and everyone else just plasters themselves against the wall until it's over.
Zoomies are the best. (Well, upside-down bitey face is the actual best, but you need at least two dogs for that.)
posted by ernielundquist at 7:24 AM on December 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
Then, one day, she was looking out the front door, and the little guy strolled up, goosed her HARD with his nose, and then turned around and booked it. She ran after him and did a fantastic job of pretending not to be able to catch up, and they ran laps around the house for a good five minutes straight. From then on, until he really started to decline and lose the use of his back legs, he'd do that almost every day, making snarly growling noises the whole time.
Our perfect dog is now about 12, and she has a younger sister. They wrassle and play bitey face and run around together all the time, but every now and again, when the younger one (about 60 pounds, solid muscle and energy) still has some energy to burn off, she'll run that same track around the house, and everyone else just plasters themselves against the wall until it's over.
Zoomies are the best. (Well, upside-down bitey face is the actual best, but you need at least two dogs for that.)
posted by ernielundquist at 7:24 AM on December 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
The particularly impressive aspect of cat craziness is that if they're not overweight they do indoor parkour in all three dimensions, including short take-off/vertical landing.
my cat often does three-dimensional zoomies after visiting the litter box and i feel like i can relate that
posted by entropicamericana at 8:01 AM on December 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
my cat often does three-dimensional zoomies after visiting the litter box and i feel like i can relate that
posted by entropicamericana at 8:01 AM on December 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
There is plenty of supplemental material available at /r/zoomies, but you already probably knew there was a subreddit for this.
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:04 AM on December 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:04 AM on December 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
Huh, today I learned something. I'd thought zoomies were only a cat thing. Large dogs getting them does sound a bit alarming!
/unintentional poetry
posted by seyirci at 8:07 AM on December 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
/unintentional poetry
posted by seyirci at 8:07 AM on December 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
i can think of no finer way to perish than crushed beneath the zoomies of an excited pibble
The post Zoomie nap is the cutest.
posted by MissySedai at 8:26 AM on December 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
The post Zoomie nap is the cutest.
posted by MissySedai at 8:26 AM on December 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
Our nights have suddenly turned cool, and my very creaky gray-faced blind in one eye and fairly deaf boxer-chow still gets the zoomies on a cool morning. We are well into "this is probably her last winter" territory and I cherish every zoom. I don't get to see her tail up like that so much anymore.
And my old malamute-mix buddy has bad hips and can't zoom anymore (he used to be one of those with his ass trying to overtake his head), so instead he happily trots around like one of those dancing horses and we call him Trotsky. He was just doing it a few minutes ago while his dad and I were doing some yard cleanup, and he was extremely in the way and extremely proud of it.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:27 AM on December 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
And my old malamute-mix buddy has bad hips and can't zoom anymore (he used to be one of those with his ass trying to overtake his head), so instead he happily trots around like one of those dancing horses and we call him Trotsky. He was just doing it a few minutes ago while his dad and I were doing some yard cleanup, and he was extremely in the way and extremely proud of it.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:27 AM on December 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
Cannot match the pibble, or the St. B., but I know a 1.5 year-old rough collie who zooms at times with speed to achieve loft. 65 pounds of tri-color whoosh. And yes, her idea of brakes is ramming her long nose into my midsection. The whole neighborhood knows when she's a-zooming, because barking comes along for the deal. You have to let people know You Are The Happiest Creature In Ever.
posted by datawrangler at 9:00 AM on December 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by datawrangler at 9:00 AM on December 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
seyirci, when a friend's cat would zoomie, the household called it a whammy fit.
posted by datawrangler at 9:01 AM on December 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by datawrangler at 9:01 AM on December 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
Sometimes we call it The Shitheads
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 9:29 AM on December 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 9:29 AM on December 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
We call it the puppy crazies in our house.
posted by pickinganameismuchharderthanihadanticipated at 9:48 AM on December 3, 2017
posted by pickinganameismuchharderthanihadanticipated at 9:48 AM on December 3, 2017
I already have a scientific association with FRAP, so I'm afraid dog science will have to stick to the pre-existing and perfectly technical term of zoomies.
posted by deludingmyself at 10:22 AM on December 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by deludingmyself at 10:22 AM on December 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
A friend of mine once had an Irish wolfhound. It was an inspiring sight to watch that rangy body and long legs coil and uncoil like a giant spring, moving along the ground at an astonishing speed.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:01 AM on December 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:01 AM on December 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
Used to say "getting signals from the mothership" when the cats did it.
posted by The otter lady at 11:19 AM on December 3, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 11:19 AM on December 3, 2017 [10 favorites]
A few years back, when I was newly married we adopted a stray orange tabby named Harry. He was tall and had extra toes, when he got worked up he would zoom around the house like it was a race track, fully sideways, above head height. Gravity wasn't a law but a suggestion for him. Damn I miss that cat.
posted by evilDoug at 11:25 AM on December 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by evilDoug at 11:25 AM on December 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
The family dog when I was a kid would zoomy when my dad came home from work every day. I'll never forget the time she accidentally zoomied right into a table leg... She let out a big yip and just kept on going.
posted by jenjenc at 11:59 AM on December 3, 2017
posted by jenjenc at 11:59 AM on December 3, 2017
Gravity wasn't a law but a suggestion for him.
"laws were made to be broken" –cats, probably
my favorite thing about cat zoomies is when they start on a non-carpeted floor and they run in place for a second before they get traction, just like in an old cartoon
posted by entropicamericana at 12:06 PM on December 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
"laws were made to be broken" –cats, probably
my favorite thing about cat zoomies is when they start on a non-carpeted floor and they run in place for a second before they get traction, just like in an old cartoon
posted by entropicamericana at 12:06 PM on December 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
Our Kenobi (black lab/pit mix; 65 lbs) gets the zoomies sometime in the middle of the period after his walk and before bed almost every night. And also regularly at about 3 in the afternoon, when I'm in the middle of work. And also any time he's near a body of water. Or sand. And also always after a bath. And also on especially crisp fall mornings. And certainly whenever the cats antagonize him and rile him up and he knows he's not allowed to fight back. And definitely when we come home after vacation or long hiking trips (even if he's already hiked 15+ miles that day). He's an accomplished and experienced zoomer, is what I'm saying.
Our previous backyard and our current one both have clearly demarcated zoomie paths worn into them: the former was a pretty tight perimeter of the fence, but in the new larger yard he's adopted a much more complex series of figure 8's and tighter circles which only eventually expand into a full perimeter gallop.
Zoomies are the best: that tucked-under butt, the absolute insanity in his eyes, the doofy tongue lolling out of his mouth. Heaven!
Zoomies are also all the proof I need that dogs are the greatest and also the goofiest creatures ever created.
posted by Dorinda at 12:22 PM on December 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
Our previous backyard and our current one both have clearly demarcated zoomie paths worn into them: the former was a pretty tight perimeter of the fence, but in the new larger yard he's adopted a much more complex series of figure 8's and tighter circles which only eventually expand into a full perimeter gallop.
Zoomies are the best: that tucked-under butt, the absolute insanity in his eyes, the doofy tongue lolling out of his mouth. Heaven!
Zoomies are also all the proof I need that dogs are the greatest and also the goofiest creatures ever created.
posted by Dorinda at 12:22 PM on December 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
"There’s a lot we still don’t know about the zoomies" sounds like a line from Vonnegut.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:21 PM on December 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:21 PM on December 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
Post-bath zoomies are the best, except when the German shepherd decides he wants to start them before being dry, and wants to start them on the bed.
posted by corb at 3:22 PM on December 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by corb at 3:22 PM on December 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
WHAT KIND OF MONSTER IS ANTI-ZOOMIE THEY ARE THE BEST
posted by praemunire at 5:33 PM on December 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 5:33 PM on December 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
I feel we should share video evidence of our FRAPpin’ dogs.
What’s that, you want me to go first, showing my dog flipping out while we’re decorating? Okay.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:10 PM on December 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
What’s that, you want me to go first, showing my dog flipping out while we’re decorating? Okay.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:10 PM on December 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
Our long-departed duck toller did the best zoomies. Back legs overtaking front, eyes bulging, ears flipped back and inside out, turning in the smallest circles to tear back and forward, all the while emitting a hrumf-grumpf-hrumf with every gallop. For the finale, she'd find the nearest person and launch herself — front legs flailing wide — into your hip. The sound of a smallish water-dog winding herself against bone will stay with me forever.
We likened her zoomie attacks to the adventurer's nightly transition to a werewolf in the game Knight Lore.
posted by scruss at 7:17 PM on December 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
We likened her zoomie attacks to the adventurer's nightly transition to a werewolf in the game Knight Lore.
posted by scruss at 7:17 PM on December 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
Greyhound zoomies are some of the most magnificent phenomena observable. They often involve incredible high-speed movement, spins, pinwheels, and final heaving collapse (not pictured).
Goddamn, do I miss seeing this. I miss you, Cricket J. Greyhound.
posted by Graygorey at 10:40 PM on December 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
Goddamn, do I miss seeing this. I miss you, Cricket J. Greyhound.
posted by Graygorey at 10:40 PM on December 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
I would love a grey. But my wife is scared of big dogs and my son is extremely hyper-flaily, so the dog would unnerve my wife and my son would unnerve the dog. Wouldn’t be fair to any of them.
posted by middleclasstool at 5:22 AM on December 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by middleclasstool at 5:22 AM on December 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
Greyhound zoomies are some of the most magnificent phenomena observable
I thought greyhounds could only make left turns. At least that's what I tell my kids.
posted by JoeZydeco at 7:46 AM on December 4, 2017
I thought greyhounds could only make left turns. At least that's what I tell my kids.
posted by JoeZydeco at 7:46 AM on December 4, 2017
Would that I had constructed this delightful, eponysterical post.
posted by DrAstroZoom at 11:45 AM on December 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by DrAstroZoom at 11:45 AM on December 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
I wonder if zoomies are observed in the wild, among e.g. wolves, dingoes, and jackals?
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:50 PM on December 4, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:50 PM on December 4, 2017 [3 favorites]
Zoomies can hit at the worst times...
posted by The otter lady at 8:19 AM on December 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 8:19 AM on December 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
I know this is cats and dogs, but rabbit and rodents also popcorn and binky which is both fast and bouncy
posted by sweetmarie at 11:18 PM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by sweetmarie at 11:18 PM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
Okay, Metafilter, please for the sake of my cats stop posting things like this and this AskMeFi question.
posted by daybeforetheday at 10:47 PM on December 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by daybeforetheday at 10:47 PM on December 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
I want to go there
posted by middleclasstool at 7:51 PM on December 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by middleclasstool at 7:51 PM on December 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
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This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
"Zoomies" is much funner-sounding for sure.
The last thing you want your dog to get is the "FRAPs".
"FRAPs" sounds like a lot of running around frenetically looking for a container of cleanser, and a can of febreze.
I accept your thanks for not having been chosen by the universe to have posted this FPP.
posted by not_on_display at 10:59 PM on December 2, 2017 [2 favorites]