The first butt time capsule

December 5, 2017 8:14 AM

While restoring an 18th century Spanish statue, preservationists found that Jesus' butt was hollow, containing two hand-written letters describing daily life in the region, including descriptions of food, games, diseases and the Spanish Inquisition. The original letters will be archived and copies replaced in the butt hole to preserve the priest's intentions.
posted by jeather (66 comments total)

Holy shit!
posted by Fizz at 8:16 AM on December 5, 2017 [25 favorites]

Message in a butthole.
posted by The otter lady at 8:20 AM on December 5, 2017 [96 favorites]

No one expects ...
posted by dragstroke at 8:25 AM on December 5, 2017 [8 favorites]

I hope that someone gets my
posted by darksasami at 8:26 AM on December 5, 2017 [15 favorites]

look what i found in jesus's butt
posted by indubitable at 8:29 AM on December 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

What? What? In the butt.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:30 AM on December 5, 2017 [18 favorites]

Mail ordure?
posted by pracowity at 8:33 AM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: food, games, diseases and the Spanish Inquisition
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:34 AM on December 5, 2017 [6 favorites]

Something something rectory
posted by davelog at 8:34 AM on December 5, 2017 [24 favorites]

I'm here for all the shitty jokes.
posted by Fizz at 8:35 AM on December 5, 2017 [10 favorites]

Anus mirabilis.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:36 AM on December 5, 2017 [44 favorites]

Damn near killed 'em.
posted by Glomar response at 8:39 AM on December 5, 2017 [15 favorites]

Jesus did have a lot to say about butts, like

You have heard that it was said, "Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth." But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right butt cheek, turn to him the other also. Matt 5:38–41

By their butts you shall know them. Matt 7:20

The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man has nowhere to lay his butt. Matt 8:20

Touch not my butt; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God. John 20:17

For there is no butt covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known Luke 12:2

It's even in the non-canonical writings

You read the face of the sky and butt of the earth, but you have not recognized the one who is before you, and you do not know how to read this moment. (Gospel of Thomas, 91)

And when the Lord Jesus was seven years of age, he was on a certain day with other boys his companions about the same age. Who at play made clay into several shapes, namely, asses. (Infancy Gospel of Thomas, 15)

Then Jesus said to it: Raise thyself, O palm tree, and be strong, and be the companion of my trees, which are in the paradise of my Father; and open from thy roots a vein of water which has been hid in the earth, and let the waters flow, so that we may be satisfied from thee. And it rose up immediately, and at its root there began to come forth a spring of water exceedingly clear and cool and sparkling. And when they saw the spring of water, they rejoiced with great joy, and were satisfied, themselves and all their asses. Wherefore they gave thanks to God. (Pseudo-Matthew, 20)

posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:39 AM on December 5, 2017 [23 favorites]

From the bottom of my heard I'm glad those letters were found in the end. Hopefully they give some insight into what it was like to rear children and other daily activities. Butt luckily for us, no one was an ass about the letters and everything worked out great, including having them documented for posterity.
posted by Twain Device at 8:40 AM on December 5, 2017 [27 favorites]

Neither do people write a letter, and put it inside their butts, but in a mailbox; and it gives information to those that would not look inside people's butts.

--Matthew 5:15
posted by middleclasstool at 8:42 AM on December 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

*ahem*

Jesus wiped.
posted by emelenjr at 8:54 AM on December 5, 2017 [43 favorites]

I love stuff like this, where historical figures do something that seems so lighthearted and modern. I mean, who would think that, during the time of the Spanish Inquisition, a person would do something witty and irreverent like hide a time capsule in Jesus' tush, and yet here we are. They were people too.
posted by selfmedicating at 8:54 AM on December 5, 2017 [13 favorites]

paging Faint of Butt
posted by stinkfoot at 9:03 AM on December 5, 2017 [17 favorites]

What, a Christ Asshole?
posted by zamboni at 9:07 AM on December 5, 2017 [68 favorites]

copies replaced in the butt hole to preserve the priest's intentions

I'll take "Phrases I Never Thought Anyone Would Have Cause To Say" for $200, Alex.
posted by chainsofreedom at 9:13 AM on December 5, 2017 [17 favorites]

Holy Butthole, Batman!! I had no idea the Spanish Inquisition went on that long, into the 19th century.
posted by mermayd at 9:21 AM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

I sent to my favorite priest suggesting he needs to check out the statues in his cathedral.
posted by dubwisened at 9:27 AM on December 5, 2017 [7 favorites]

This is the best thing.
posted by latkes at 9:33 AM on December 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

I am neither a theologian nor a forensic gastroenterologist, but I have to believe this discovery has something important to teach us about the miracle of transubstantiation. And fiber.
posted by nickmark at 9:37 AM on December 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

I sent to my favorite priest suggesting he needs to check out the statues in his cathedral.

...so then the mother superior says to the priest, "Yer a fine one ta' be talkin', Father O'Malley, after ye spent all Thursday fondlin' the bums of th' saints!"
posted by PlusDistance at 9:37 AM on December 5, 2017 [5 favorites]

A family friend, an archbishop's nephew (who is called father by everyone and uncle by his children? goes the old riddle), had a very illegal collection of colonial religious art, stuff from the 1500s to the 1800s, sacked from churches in Western Mexico.

So many Easter eggs. Like a little Tlaloc, god of rain, carved on San Isidro Labrador's butt.

My favorite was a note from the sculptor stuffed into a medium sized San Martín de Porres, asking the saint himself to intercede for everyone in town, except for Father Jorge, who is an asshole that never pays on time.
posted by Index Librorum Prohibitorum at 9:43 AM on December 5, 2017 [25 favorites]

Bob's Burgers needs to make a Tina-centric episode about this, stat.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:46 AM on December 5, 2017 [6 favorites]

"My children, we must document the simpler times and pass the records onto later generations, for lo, it is truly..."
"Stick it up your ass, Jesus."
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:48 AM on December 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

Hey, uh, Brother Josephus, can you take a quick look at, uh—

Well, no, no, it's going fine, I'm translating that manuscript like you asked me to, it's just—

See, that's the thing, it's, well, we only thought it said "anno domini", and—
posted by cortex at 9:48 AM on December 5, 2017 [9 favorites]

And yet, this thread lacks a "butthole" tag.
posted by Slinga at 9:51 AM on December 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

*pages Pater Aletuchus*
posted by cortex at 9:53 AM on December 5, 2017 [5 favorites]

It's great news that these letters were intact; I'd have thought that the passage of time would've rectum.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:54 AM on December 5, 2017 [9 favorites]

PUT THE JESUS IN YOUR BUTT
posted by maxsparber at 9:55 AM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Jesus wiped.

Sitting, standing, or hanging?
posted by bondcliff at 9:56 AM on December 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

Sitting, standing, or hanging?

I was gonna ask but I didn't want to stigmatize him.
posted by cortex at 10:02 AM on December 5, 2017 [7 favorites]

I'm surprised there was so little in the butt.

I guess I expected there would just be piles and piles.
posted by maxsparber at 10:04 AM on December 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

I await Chuck Tingle's opus, Pounded in the Butt by an 18th Century Chaplain Trying to Preserve Daily Life in Rural Northern Spain for the Historical Record.
posted by Copronymus at 10:07 AM on December 5, 2017 [33 favorites]

I had no idea the Spanish Inquisition went on that long, into the 19th century.

NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
posted by radwolf76 at 10:07 AM on December 5, 2017 [4 favorites]

Actually, there's a well-recognized Old Testament quotation about butts... something with a "jawbone" and an "ass", if I recall...
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:08 AM on December 5, 2017

A sphincter says what?
posted by zakur at 10:21 AM on December 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

PUT THE JESUS IN YOUR BUTT

doo-dah, doo-dah
posted by middleclasstool at 10:24 AM on December 5, 2017 [4 favorites]

I guess now we know how much a butt-load of ancient documents is...
posted by mystyk at 10:46 AM on December 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

Love the cheery "we found this in that butt!" re-enactment video in the link!
posted by Secretariat at 10:47 AM on December 5, 2017

SCROL BUTTS
posted by rodlymight at 10:49 AM on December 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

You guys are going to get us all attacked by fundament-alists.

(He says in the right thread this time.)
posted by pracowity at 10:51 AM on December 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

I sent to my favorite priest suggesting he needs to check out the statues in his cathedral.

Hope you CC'ed the bishop, because it's his cathedral.
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:54 AM on December 5, 2017

"The centuries-old statue was starting to show cracks..."

Clearly.
posted by brundlefly at 11:24 AM on December 5, 2017 [12 favorites]

how long did it take them to come up with a plausible reason for why they were butt probing jesus. that is my question.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:37 AM on December 5, 2017 [5 favorites]

A copy was made and placed back into the buttocks to preserve Mínguez's intent.

Well thank god.
posted by gottabefunky at 11:50 AM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

butts lol
posted by Melismata at 12:07 PM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

INT. CHAPEL - NIGHT
A priest is writing at a desk. A wooden statue of Jesus stands behind him.

PRIEST :
Done, at last! My thoughts and observations all collected for posterity. Now I need only a means to keep it for the ages, yet render it up to be read in the fullness of time. But lord, where might such a place be found?

A VOICE:
I’ll tell you what you can do with your thoughts...
posted by rodlymight at 12:59 PM on December 5, 2017 [7 favorites]

A copy was made and placed back into the buttocks to preserve Mínguez's intent.

This time with a flared base, so it wouldn't get lost.
posted by bondcliff at 1:01 PM on December 5, 2017 [12 favorites]

Christ, what an asshole.
posted by double block and bleed at 1:31 PM on December 5, 2017 [8 favorites]

Holy shit, double block and bleed. How did it take this long for someone to make this joke?!
posted by brundlefly at 1:53 PM on December 5, 2017

Made earlier.
posted by Melismata at 1:58 PM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Just stand outside so Chief can translate my Iraqi ass map"
posted by Room 641-A at 2:07 PM on December 5, 2017

While the butt jokes seem irresistible to most, I find it charming that he thought to do this. And that he wanted to write about daily life, not religion or anything 'noble'. It's just the kind of information that gets easily lost and that historians love.

I wish they had thought to write a second letter doing the same for the daily life of their region today and add it to the cache.
posted by tavella at 2:15 PM on December 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

Are they sure it was yellow from age?
posted by MtDewd at 2:29 PM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

That's not how butts work!
posted by Room 641-A at 2:33 PM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Jesus wiped.

Sitting, standing, or hanging?

I was gonna ask but I didn't want to stigmatize him.

resurrection usually gives you a clean slate
posted by numaner at 2:40 PM on December 5, 2017

Our Father - thine arse, a sweven
Hollowed be thy frame
posted by obiwanwasabi at 3:03 PM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

> PUT THE JESUS IN YOUR BUTT

Wait a minute.
I get to keep this hunna dolla for puttin the jesus in my butt?
Really?
Step aside.
posted by davelog at 4:35 PM on December 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

This thread is a bummer.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 4:40 PM on December 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

"Guess what!"
"What?"
"Jesus butt!"
We're all going to hell for this, you know...
posted by e-man at 10:30 PM on December 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

IT COMPELS YOU
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:28 AM on December 6, 2017

I always knew the church was talking out its ass.
posted by FatherDagon at 10:45 AM on December 6, 2017 [1 favorite]