О, черт!

March 16, 2018 9:59 AM

Following the recent and still unfolding incident in a cathedral city - Theresa is down with the residents while Jezza suggests caution - relations between the UK and Russia are ... not good. Sanctions have been declared, the Royal Family will be watching England get knocked out of the World Cup on TV now, and retaliation is actioned. International support is requested, the agent source is being conjectured, the UK defence minister tells Russia to "Go away" - but is largely ignored - and their embassy continues to tweet sarcastically. As yet another recent death is probably not helping, Arsenal's draw (wtf?!, more) in European football today was unfortunate. Brits currently in Russia are sighing, while those thinking of visiting have updated travel advice issued for them. (title)
posted by Wordshore (59 comments total)

Wow, that looks almost as awkward as playing at West Ham.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 10:06 AM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

So I guess the majority of the Arsenal squad will be fine but Ramsey and Jack might need to be careful. And Welbz, well, he'll waft over as soon as anyone gets within six feet of him, poison-studded football boot or not.
posted by giraffeneckbattle at 10:08 AM on March 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

On Twitter, #PutinPunishesUK:

* By putting milk in the cup before the tea.
* By renewing Southern Rails franchise for the next 100 years.
* By distributing sandwiches which look like they're in the meal deal but aren't.
* Removing the orangy bit from jaffa cakes.
* By interfering with the message so that every single item in the bagging area is unexpected.

* By changing the recycling collection days in every Local Council without prior notification.
* By emptying all Celebrations tubs and leaving only the bounties.
* By making digestive biscuits instantly dissolve in tea.
* He could send an army of people who hold eye contact and make idle conversation on public transport.
* By having Oleg and Alexander meerkats put down.

* Buys out Walker’s. Applies the Golden Wonder packet colour coding to Walker’s cheese & onion and Walker’s salt & vinegar crisps.
* By distributing a free guide to English grammar in which the use of your/you're there/they're its/it's is explained incorrectly.
* By buying the office some chocolate digestive biscuits, but they're dark instead of milk.
* Abolishes Marmite.
* By making Comrade Corbyn cycle around London wearing a 1980s shell suit from Brentford Nylons.
posted by Wordshore at 10:39 AM on March 16, 2018 [17 favorites]

By emptying all Celebrations tubs and leaving only the bounties.
wait you lost me
i mean unless they're also stuffing them with polonium
the entire internet is completely wrong about this; bounties are the best bit of celebrations tubs
posted by halation at 10:43 AM on March 16, 2018 [7 favorites]

By making Comrade Corbyn cycle around London wearing a 1980s shell suit from Brentford Nylons.


So he's not all bad then.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:46 AM on March 16, 2018 [3 favorites]

the entire internet is completely wrong about this; bounties are the best bit of celebrations tubs

Seriously?! Where do you think all the asbestos that you aren't allowed to send to landfill or the local council tip ends up?
posted by Wordshore at 10:48 AM on March 16, 2018 [8 favorites]

Don't know whether it should go here or in the Fuck thread or nowhere at all, but I've been having an Indelicates moment, and this song sums up how I feel about everything recently.
posted by Grangousier at 11:04 AM on March 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

If you have to travel to Russia from here in the UK, a few essential phrases to learn beforehand:

* Этот чай не кажется правильным.
* Товарищ Джереми посылает привет, брат.
* Вы думаете, что ваша жизнь плохая? Я сторонник Арсенала.
posted by Wordshore at 11:07 AM on March 16, 2018 [5 favorites]

Thank for your confirming my suspicion that the current state of omnifuckery in the UK justifies — nay: demands — a regular POTUS45-style megathread all its own.

And fucksake, Jezza. Really? Every time you do something that reminds me why I loved you in the first place, you immediately follow it up with some cackhanded bit of clumsy obstinance and obtusery that reminds me why I soured on you.
posted by adamgreenfield at 11:26 AM on March 16, 2018 [10 favorites]

Finally something about Arsenal besides "Wenger out!"
posted by kendrak at 11:38 AM on March 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

Fire Seumas Milne.
posted by knapah at 12:09 PM on March 16, 2018

Wondering (it's a dull evening, here in the castle) whether spies and secret agents have their own version of Tinder.

* Это ядовитый зонтик или ты просто рад меня видеть?
posted by Wordshore at 1:08 PM on March 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

It's spelled Чёрт. It means devil in Russian. And it is the almost universal curse word in Russian. Google translate has transposed the Russian universal curse word into one of the English universal curse words.

But it is an appropriate title. But this implies that a Russian is upset. Shouldn't it be an English person?
posted by njohnson23 at 1:23 PM on March 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

Buys out Walker’s. Applies the Golden Wonder packet colour coding to Walker’s cheese & onion and Walker’s salt & vinegar crisps.
By buying the office some chocolate digestive biscuits, but they're dark instead of milk.

Are these supposed to be bad things?
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:24 PM on March 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

Thank for your confirming my suspicion that the current state of omnifuckery in the UK justifies — nay: demands — a regular POTUS45-style megathread all its own.

Yes. Kinda assumed that there is often, or usually, an unofficial UK politics thread open somewhere on the blue. There's been quite a few in recent times, and it might be nice if posters tagged relevant ones with ukpolitics so MeFiBrits know where to find them.

No need to bother the overstretched mods with this, and it might fly better under the radar a little anyway without the dramafest of the Potus45 threads. As the typical comments seem to be:

* US politics thread: OH MY FUCKING GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE THANKS TO THAT ORANGE THING!!!
* UK politics thread: Huh. You only get 10 Jaffa cakes in a pack now; there used to be 12. Bloody Brexit.

...it feels apt to keep them separate in profile and visibility, perhaps.
posted by Wordshore at 1:53 PM on March 16, 2018 [12 favorites]

Have you tasted what Cadburys have done to their Easter Cakes? Its abominable, truly.

Also, I didn't realise it til this (Cheltenham Gold Cup) week, but I have a still in play bet for Jesse Norman to be next Conservative leader, so if anyone could make this happen, ta.
posted by threetwentytwo at 3:09 PM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

I saw a Wordshore post, thought "ooooh, cakes!!!", looked at it and thought "oh no, not cakes, just same awful mess" and then read it and it was about cakes after all!!!!

Surely Putin would punish the UK by, like, putting jam on all the scones in the wrong order, or substituting American scones?
posted by Frowner at 3:22 PM on March 16, 2018 [3 favorites]

→ American scones

When you stare into The Void, The Void stares into you
posted by scruss at 5:41 PM on March 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

Have you tasted what Cadburys have done to their Easter Cakes?

That will be the polonium.

In the unlikely event that lawyers acting for Cadbury or its parent company ever read this, that comment was in no way serious or accurate, and there is to my knowledge no radioactive materials in any Cadbury product whatsoever, even the eternally disappointing Cadbury Dairy Milk Buttons which could do with something added to make them interesting. (Because what is the point of them? It's just tiny circles of the dullest chocolate imaginable, sold at an exorbitant price per weight and disappointing even the youngest child, or a 49 year old man who impulse-buys chocolate upon exiting the gym.) But not polonium, I hasten to add.
posted by Wordshore at 5:46 PM on March 16, 2018 [6 favorites]

Guardian: Why Ribena fans have been left with a bad taste in their mouths.
BBC: The maker of the iconic Scottish drink Irn Bru has stopped making the original full-sugar version.
posted by Wordshore at 6:39 PM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

"BBC: The maker of the iconic Scottish drink Irn Bru has stopped making the original full-sugar version."

Thanks presumably to the world-spanning supply chain and little local demand, where I am the original 10.3% sugar recipe is still readily available.

I'm sure our Immigration Minister will welcome any Scots who feel persecuted by this as immigrants under our 'humanitarian' program…
posted by Pinback at 9:04 PM on March 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

I don't think the new recipe Irn Bru is available yet. They launched Irn Bru Extra last year, which is their Coke Zero version but where Coke have also kept the original formula and started selling smaller cans Barr's are rolling out a new version of the original.
posted by toamouse at 12:50 AM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Surely Putin would punish the UK by, like, putting jam on all the scones in the wrong order

Not possible. Any ordering you do will correct according to at least one region.
posted by Dysk at 1:53 AM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Trifle (or, is it?)
posted by Wordshore at 4:56 AM on March 17, 2018

From the Guardian article:

Murray, in a phone interview, is undeterred, determined to challenge the government line, in spite of having been subjected to a level of abuse on social media he had not experienced before.

“There is no evidence it was Russia. I am not ruling out that it could be Russia, though I don’t see the motive. I want to see where the evidence lies,” Murray said. “Anyone who expresses scepticism is seen as an enemy of the state.”

Oh dear, have we not learned from Iraq at all?
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 5:13 AM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]

Not possible. Any ordering you do will correct according to at least one region.

No, no, he will use his super powers to do the jam wrong specifically for each region, perhaps even for each house.

I feel funny about all of this - it's obvious that the Putin government means its enemies ill, it seems fairly likely that the Putin administration did poison this guy (although I don't really feel that other oligarchs have been ruled out)...and yet I am getting pretty uncomfortable with people's readiness (at least or maybe especially in the US) to ascribe anything they don't like to the person being a Russian catspaw. Putin may be smarter than the average world leader, but he's not magic and the rest of us are not robbed of free will.

It's like after 9/11, when what really took the US down was our willingness to believe in terrorists everywhere. 9/11 worked - it broke a number of fragile, important things about the US, and it seems to me that Putin has figured out that the primary lesson of the event was to push people to freak out and turn on each other.
posted by Frowner at 5:58 AM on March 17, 2018 [6 favorites]

I feel bad for our tracksuit-loving Leader of the Opposition. He could have gone along with the straight, 100%, "Putin is of course 100% to blame and mighty Britain will not tolerate this and will punish Russia right this minute!" line that many others are taking. Easy, and puts him into the coalition of nationalist outrage.

But, he didn't. He went for the calmer, principled, evidence-based approach. Same as his appearance before the last election, where he calmly dealt with angry man after angry man, angrily demanding the glee and lust of dropping nuclear weapons.

He's been playing the game of politics for decades - many decades - now. He knows how his approach will be used against him - you could see Theresa May's face light up like a three year old thinking they have seen Santa on Christmas Day morning, as he spoke. And a large chunk of the British public will go along with whatever they have absorbed from the libertarian / right wing coalition of newspapers, TV news media, and online content providers. We, and Jeremy, have been here so many times before.

But he'll keep putting principles before politics. Which is bad as it'll damage the chances of taking power away from the Tories. But good because, well, it means he is principled. Though also means that, arguably, he's too good for us; we get, and got, what we voted for.

(As a remainer, Labour voter at the last election, and future emigrant, I use the collective "we" in a very loose sense)
posted by Wordshore at 6:34 AM on March 17, 2018 [6 favorites]

As a side-point, Russia is now expelling the same number of diplomats, and closing the British Council in Russia. Over to Theresa for the next move.

Which will not include, no matter how much this escalates over how many rounds, withdrawing England from playing in the World Cup in Russia this summer. As that would not play well (no pun intended) with the considerable "white van driver" / "football supporter" demographic who vote Conservative. There's no way she will alienate that (vocal) part of her base, especially without a large majority in the House of Commons. Politics over principles.
posted by Wordshore at 6:41 AM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Shame* that demographic doesn't think ahead. Britain being forced into boycotting could've made this the world cup that got away for England, the one they totally would have won if they'd only been allowed to enter. Instead, it'll be a shaming embarrassment as ever. Something like "better to stay silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth an remove all doubt" but for football.

*Not actually a shame, hearing that idea endlessly would be very tiresome indeed.
posted by Dysk at 6:46 AM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Conflicted on a World Cup boycott from a domestic peace point of view. On the one hand, a boycott means not hearing the endless En-gur-lund stuff around match time, followed by the inevitable violence and abuse aimed at the communities of whichever team inevitably knock them out of the tournament. Perhaps not the smartest people in the land.

On the other hand, England's continued participation means that the worst of the drunken and violent supporters, who don't have travel bans and have not eaten their passports for a drunken bet, are far away at the height of summer. And perhaps, as some will be left in Russian hospitals and jails, not all of them get to return. Which is a kind of win.
posted by Wordshore at 6:59 AM on March 17, 2018 [7 favorites]

By buying the office some chocolate digestive biscuits, but they're dark instead of milk.

... no, see, you got 'dark' and 'milk' the wrong way round there, mysterious Twitter person (the link just gives me a "Sorry, that page doesn't exist" message). Next you'll be telling me that Choco Leibniz are better with milk chocolate than dark. Or Chocolate Oranges, for that matter.

Oh hey, that last link confirms something I'd suspected: not content with destroying the Creme Egg, Kraft also did something dastardly to the Chocolate Orange! "On 29 May 2016, the UK product size was reduced from 175g to 157g by changing the moulded shape of each segment to leave an air gap between each piece" (emphasis mine). I knew it, the monsters!
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 8:05 AM on March 17, 2018 [3 favorites]

If Harry Kane's injury persists until the summer, a boycott of the World Cup might be England's best option.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:12 AM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]

Next you'll be telling me that Choco Leibniz are better with milk chocolate than dark


In the best of all possible worlds, dark and milk Choco Leibniz would be equally available to those that prefer either version.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:27 AM on March 17, 2018 [6 favorites]

threetwentytwo: I have a still in play bet for Jesse Norman to be next Conservative leader

Just for one brief shining moment I thought you meant this, and now I need it to happen.

yes OK she's neither conservative nor British, but they shouldn't be quibbling at this point
posted by Pallas Athena at 11:58 AM on March 17, 2018 [3 favorites]

Dark Choco Leibniz are the greatest contribution that any philosopher has made to the world.
posted by reynir at 2:30 PM on March 17, 2018 [4 favorites]

Not sure which would offend Russia more: England withdrawing from the World Cup, or England starting Jamie Vardy up front.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 3:23 PM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Guardian: UK finance, power and water on highest alert as threat of Russian cyber reprisal grows
posted by Wordshore at 5:28 PM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

Stewart Lee, Guardian: "Last Sunday, diners from the Salisbury Zizzi were belatedly advised to burn all their clothes as a precautionary measure; as was anyone who had ever visited a Jamie’s Italian, but for different reasons. Enemies of Putin expire and nuclear threats are proliferating across the Earth. Perhaps the trademark robust diplomacy of the foreign secretary Boris Johnson, deployed via scatological limericks in his chickenfeed Telegraph column, might defuse the tension..."

BBC News: Spy poisoning: Russia stockpiling nerve agent, says malevolent arctic roll.

Independent: Salisbury spy attack: Russian official suggests nerve agent could have come from UK lab Porton Down.

Metro: How the UK’s nuclear weapons compare to Russia’s.

@MrTonyMan: (Replying to @Arsenal) New kit needed.
posted by Wordshore at 7:25 AM on March 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

Borish Johnson admits £160,000 tennis game with ex-Russian minister's wife

Most of us would happily spend that sort of money to avoid having to confront a sweaty Boris in tennis shorts, but them Rooskies are made of sterner stuff. Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is this bizarre?

(I see Craig Murray has now decided that it's Really Important that Porton Down won't say that it's sure the Novichok was made in Russia, presumably because he thinks small amounts of organic chemicals normally conform to EU country-of-origin labelling and have barcodes stamped on their carbon atoms, or something. I actually have his book on Alexander Burnes, and it's very good, but it's silent on neurotoxin synthesis.)
posted by Devonian at 7:41 AM on March 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

I read the Craig Murray article last night. His views have been echoed in my Twitter and Facebook feeds over the last couple of days. Right now, I do not know what to think. If I were to wear a tinfoil hat, I'd say that the state has experience of getting Salisbury police to toe the line . But hey, I don't think it really matters if jam goes on before the cream or not. I prefer my scones with butter.
posted by popcassady at 4:32 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

There's no arguing with conspiracy theorists. Motive, means and history absolutely point squarely at the Russians committing a major criminal act in the UK, and I am quite mystified with the glee at which some on the left - and among the Scottish nats - are playing up the pro-Putin line. Do they not see what he's been doing for decades to his own people? The man is monstrous.
posted by Devonian at 8:16 AM on March 19, 2018 [4 favorites]

It's not just the UK. One of the reasons I am feeling pretty icy towards the current self-defined 'left', despite my natural politics being close to that than the mainstream, is that they seem entirely happy to play kissyface with monsters.
posted by tavella at 10:07 AM on March 19, 2018 [5 favorites]

George Osborne, enjoying his prolonged period of revenge on his enemies. Which, apparently, is everyone.
posted by Wordshore at 10:57 AM on March 19, 2018

Good to hear Osborne and his paper will be campaigning for the Lib Dems in future, then. Except, of course, that will never happen. Sigh.

Happy to be proven wrong.
posted by Quagkapi at 2:24 PM on March 19, 2018

Seen on twitter: "We need a new centerist party... because no one is voting for the current centerist party!"
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:31 PM on March 19, 2018

Apart from in Scotland, where most people vote for the centrist party.
posted by Devonian at 2:49 PM on March 19, 2018

Telegraph: Jacob Rees-Mogg to fling fish from trawler on Thames in protest for fishermen 'betrayed' by May's Brexit deal

(yes, that is the actual headline)

(JRM is actually going to hold a fish? In his bare, aristocratic hands? I call bullshit)
posted by Wordshore at 4:05 PM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

He'll probably have Nanny do it.
posted by pipeski at 4:52 PM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

Not *quite* sure if this is the thread for it, but on Carole Cadwalladr's Twitter feed:

> Facebook have confirmed that auditors and legal counsel acting on behalf of the company were in the offices of Cambridge Analytica this evening until they were told to stand down by the Information Commissioner. These investigations need to be undertaken by the proper authorities - Damian Collins, MP for Folkestone & Hythe, 10:06 PM - 19 Mar 2018

So, in light of the weekend's stories on massive data breaches from Facebook and their apparently long-term relationship with the election/referendum-fixing Cambridge Analytica, Facebook sent their own team to CA's offices before the UK authorities could get there, to check the evidence *ahem* data had been deleted.
posted by Quagkapi at 5:56 PM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

Rees-Mogg criticised over firm's Russian bank investment

Fishier and fishier.
posted by Grangousier at 6:18 PM on March 20, 2018

Craig Murray has posted a response to all the negative reporting of his analysis.
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 8:19 PM on March 20, 2018

Nigel Farage's Brexit Fish Flinging Stunt Ends In Police Chase Down The Thames
posted by Dysk at 7:49 AM on March 21, 2018

Compare and contrast to the BBC's coverage.
posted by Dysk at 7:52 AM on March 21, 2018

Craig Murray outed an alleged rape survivor live on TV. I'm fed up having to be the person to point this out, but he has never apologised for this, and shouldn't be being cited here, unless people are happy with his attitudes on rape.
posted by Flitcraft at 5:34 PM on March 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

‘It’s got me’ – lonely death of Soviet scientist poisoned by novichok - a Guardian article by Andrew Roth and Tom McCarthy.
posted by misteraitch at 8:39 AM on March 22, 2018

Brexit insider claims Vote Leave team may have breached spending limits
posted by Grangousier at 12:16 PM on March 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

That Brexit Insider story is well worth reading - it ties together a lot of loose ends and is utterly compelling. And of course, here are our old friends the Mercers, Cambridge Analytica, and a whole host of lying bastards lying like bastards.
posted by Devonian at 2:58 PM on March 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

Can we talk about how the government responded, though? This is despicable. "The Government wielded power in the worst way possible to out Brexit whistleblower Shahmir Sanni"
posted by CatastropheWaitress at 10:37 AM on March 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

BBC News The precise source of the nerve agent used to poison a former Russian spy and his daughter has not been verified, according to the head of the Porton Down defence laboratory.
posted by popcassady at 9:38 AM on April 3, 2018