My cheese toastie brings all the boys to the park

January 9, 2019 4:44 PM

Daily Mirror: “A council has banned cheese toasties from being sold by a new park vendor over fears that a hot food van could attract intimidating motorbike gangs or antisocial yobs.” Bristol Live (same): “It’s hot food rather than fast food. It will be more like cheese toasties.” Metro: “Councillor Claire Hiscott also believes it will ‘lure’ children into skiving off school.” (tweet)
posted by Wordshore (128 comments total)

Truly, the cheese toastie is like onto the Beast of the Last Days.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:52 PM on January 9, 2019 [9 favorites]

Good grief, what is the vendor putting in those toasties to cause such havoc - cocaine??
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:53 PM on January 9, 2019 [7 favorites]

If... this is the worst problem England has (reader it is not) England should be a paradise. Since when does a grilled cheese sandwich lead to truancy and gang behavior?
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 4:54 PM on January 9, 2019 [16 favorites]

Incidentally, "the irresistible lure of the cheese toastie" is my next sockpuppet name.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:56 PM on January 9, 2019 [28 favorites]

You know what's really great? A cheese toastie, but you put chili flakes / a crumbled dried chili under the cheese before cooking it. It's comfort food like a regular toastie but tastier and more exciting.
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:58 PM on January 9, 2019 [16 favorites]

I could go for a good cheese toastie; do I have to wait until school is in so I can skip out to get one?
posted by nubs at 5:01 PM on January 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

Cheese toasties sound way too cute to incite violence. I had no idea. And how about those bangers, they're surely illegal in this town.
posted by waving at 5:02 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

Cheese toasties are a gateway food. You let them in, the next thing you get are the hardcore violence inciters like pizza or burgers and chips.

Then come the crusty jugglers.

Really, this is for the greater good.
posted by nubs at 5:05 PM on January 9, 2019 [16 favorites]

“Councillors have instead agreed to allow cold food and hot drinks such as tea and coffee to be sold by the vendor...”

I have never uttered these words before: I think this is government overreach.
posted by greermahoney at 5:14 PM on January 9, 2019 [23 favorites]

First they came for the park based cheese toastie vendors but I said nothing as I was not a park based cheese toastie vendor.
posted by Damienmce at 5:16 PM on January 9, 2019 [15 favorites]

It sounds like the nearby cafes are jealous or worried and calling in the favors from the council.
posted by Brian B. at 5:17 PM on January 9, 2019 [18 favorites]

As a cheese loving motorcyclist I feel discriminated against.
posted by rodlymight at 5:23 PM on January 9, 2019 [6 favorites]

I've spent 30 minutes researching this and I still don't understand the difference between a grilled cheese and a cheese toastie? Can someone help me out???
posted by backlikeclap at 5:33 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

Maybe they think 'cheese toastie' is a euphemism for a grilled cheese sandwich.
posted by Thella at 5:34 PM on January 9, 2019 [6 favorites]

I have no true knowledge of the Platonic Cheese Toasty, but I imagine it's sliced cheese, melted on a single piece of toast in something similar to a toaster oven until the cheese bubbles, and said cheese is lightly browned. A grilled cheese has two slices of bread, both buttered on the outside then sliced cheese in between. This concoction is then placed on a cast iron flat skillet and toasted till brown, flipped, and further toasted.
posted by BlueHorse at 5:44 PM on January 9, 2019

The savoury reek of municipal corruption is not unlike that of the cheese toastie, and will brook no competition from park-based upstarts.
posted by simra at 5:50 PM on January 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

I really love cheese toasties. I'm gonna have a cheese toastie for my dinner, and then I am going to burn down a nunnery and piss against a tree in a public park.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:53 PM on January 9, 2019 [15 favorites]

Then come the crusty jugglers.

I... Do I want to know what that is? Probably not, do I? Ok nvm.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:54 PM on January 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

Everyone knows cheese toasties are just a gateway to Cornish pasties. When does it stop?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:02 PM on January 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

I have no true knowledge of the Platonic Cheese Toasty

Cheese toastie is a grilled cheese sandwich, sometimes with more melted cheese added to the top (as per headline pic), done in a frying pan or a sandwich press (or jaffle maker - but that is strictly a cheese jaffle).

A single piece of toast with (melted) cheese on it is cheese on toast, and is actually done under the grill in the oven, so AU/UK cheese on toast is more of an honest grilled cheese than the US "grilled cheese", which is done in a frying pan or skillet (thus, a cheese toastie).

I can go on if you'd like.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:03 PM on January 9, 2019 [20 favorites]

FYI I know cheese toasties are bilateral between AU and UK, but I don't know if cheese on toast is actually called cheese on toast in the UK. I do know it's what my English mother calls cheese on toast though. But perhaps that was for the benefit of the family. Cheese on toast in England may very well be called melty dodgers, or Kensington plates.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:11 PM on January 9, 2019 [24 favorites]

Cold food, on the other hand, is repellent to both gang members and schoolchildren alike. In the 80s LAPD police helicopters dropped popsicles in an attempt to quell the Crip/Blood rivalry in key parts of the city.
posted by axiom at 6:11 PM on January 9, 2019 [16 favorites]

Cheese on toast in England may very well be called melty dodgers, or Kensington plates.

Now you're just making things up.
posted by octothorpe at 6:15 PM on January 9, 2019 [7 favorites]

‘Historically we had antisocial behaviour, not just motorbikes, from young adults gathering with alcohol and causing a disturbance.

So as I read it, they're worried they're going to have an outbreak of Quadrophenia because of some cheese on bread.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:16 PM on January 9, 2019 [10 favorites]

Now I want a cheese toastie
posted by mumimor at 6:16 PM on January 9, 2019 [3 favorites]

I just tamped down the cravings from the ramen thread. Now this.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:17 PM on January 9, 2019 [8 favorites]

Cheese on toast in the UK is sometimes called mousetraps, or Welsh rarebit.

Cheese toastie is the correct name for a 'grilled cheese'. Australians call cheese toasties jaffles because they are barbarians. They call the thing you make them in "jaffle irons" or "jaffle makers" instead of their correct name, "toastie pie makers" or "the cheese toastie thingie".
posted by lollusc at 6:21 PM on January 9, 2019 [12 favorites]

Besides- we all know the real crime wave sweeping England- fucking in hedges!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 6:23 PM on January 9, 2019 [3 favorites]

Welsh rarebit is not the same thing as just cheese on toast. It's a more specific, better variety of same, in the same way that restaurant ramen is not the same thing as maruchan.
posted by axiom at 6:36 PM on January 9, 2019 [7 favorites]

You know what's really great? A cheese toastie, but you put chili flakes ...

Hello. Welcome to [ALL COOKING AT MY HOUSE].
posted by sexyrobot at 6:47 PM on January 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

I can go on if you'd like.

You'll probably need to translate "grill" to "broiler", for our American cousins, lest they all head out to the yard.
posted by pompomtom at 6:51 PM on January 9, 2019 [13 favorites]

fuck now I'm hungry

thanks a lot England
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:03 PM on January 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

This thread is the best thread. This thread is the panacea for those metatalks.

Also, as a stupid American, I thought Welsh Rarebit was some kind of rabbit dish. Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning... about all the names for grilled cheese?
This is important stuff! I could find myself in a foreign land, hungry, wanting a grilled cheese and only seeing some rabbit dish on the menu!

Srsly, tho. How is something called “rarebit” not meat?
posted by greermahoney at 7:05 PM on January 9, 2019 [6 favorites]

Ugh, "broil". "Broil" is either something you do to some eggs because you're being funny, or you put the kettle on to "broil", or it is a thing on the side of your neck that you lance with a sewing needle in the bathroom. It has no place being synonymous with "grill". Nobody ever said "mmm, broiled cheese" or "cheese broilies" and if they did they oughta be banned from this park as well.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:14 PM on January 9, 2019 [6 favorites]

your comment seems to imply that there may somewhere be a person wou does/did say "mmm broiled eggs" tho
posted by some loser at 7:17 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

You only need a cheese broilie when it's raining, I believe. In any case, this will just push people sell out Slough Hampers after school hours.
posted by boo_radley at 7:17 PM on January 9, 2019 [5 favorites]

Ugh, "broil". "Broil" is either something you do to some eggs because you're being funny, or you put the kettle on to "broil", or it is a thing the side of your neck that you lance with a sewing needle in the bathroom.

Maybe you're making a funny that I'm not getting, but "broil" and "boil" are two very distinct things, and I'm not sure you could lance a broil in any meaningful way.

Or is this another one of those "separated by a common tongue" things that comes up amongst us English speakers?
posted by nubs at 7:18 PM on January 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

Many's the long night I've dreamed of cheese—toasted, mostly.
posted by valkane at 7:20 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

In Australia we broil our spaghetti until it is al dinkum.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:23 PM on January 9, 2019 [29 favorites]

sounds fair.
posted by valkane at 7:26 PM on January 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

Srsly, tho. How is something called “rarebit” not meat?

It's the Welsh, rarebit is not even like the ten thousandth weird linguistics thing going on there. They have a village called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for christ's sake.
posted by axiom at 7:31 PM on January 9, 2019 [12 favorites]

Fair point.
posted by greermahoney at 7:32 PM on January 9, 2019

The correct way is to put both slices of bread butter-side down on the griddle/skillet and watch for the cheese to melt on one side and when it does you close the sandwich, which is now done perfectly on both sides, and remove it for eating.

What? No. Just no. Are you also some milk in first person?
posted by greermahoney at 7:35 PM on January 9, 2019 [7 favorites]

Given the confusion upthread on the topic of Australian toasted sandwich items:

A toastie is two slices of bread with cheese and probably some other ingredients in between (ham, salami, tomato, etc.). It is toasted under the griller (which is the smaller enclosed part of a freestanding stove, and which I believe our American cousins call a 'broiler'), or a sandwich press. It may also be called a toasted sandwich or toasted [ingredient/ingredients] sandwich, and thus [ingredient/ingredients] sandwich. If made under a griller, it can sometimes be called a grilled [ingredient/ingredients] sandwich.

A jaffle maker or jaffle iron is used to make jaffles, which have crimped edges formed by pressing the bread crust tightly together and toasting them. Jaffles are heated to very high temperatures and the filling is often liquid - hence the need for a sealed crust. Biting in to a jaffle is a kind of Russian roulette - it will almost certainly be too hot and cause a painful burn.

Toasties and jaffles are not fried in a pan on the stove. Frying in a pan on the stove is not grilling. A cheese sandwich fried in a pan on the stove is by definition not a 'grilled' cheese sandwich, because a griller is not involved.
posted by prismatic7 at 7:35 PM on January 9, 2019 [7 favorites]

Cereal. Some monsters pour milk into the bowl before they put in the cereal.
posted by jeather at 7:39 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

i’ve learned to pour milk (or cream) into the mug or cup before adding tea (or coffee). This solves two problems; the dairy doesn’t scorch from the heat of the added liquid, and you don’t need a spoon to stir.
posted by valkane at 7:46 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

In Australia we broil our spaghetti until it is al dinkum.

My mother, who is, bless her heart, not a good cook, multiple times during my youth boiled spaghetti so long all the water burned away and she scorched it. She would just serve us the top, unscorched part.

This holiday, as I was home, she offered to make pasta. She makes pasta in the microwave, in this sort of contraption. I was like, ok, fine, but can you stop it a minute or two early, because I like my pasta a little less soft? She rolled her eyes but said sure. As she served it up, she remarked that she didn’t cook it as long as she normally would, just for me. Friends, she cooked it for 20 minutes. It was cappellini.
posted by greermahoney at 7:46 PM on January 9, 2019 [9 favorites]

I did once force myself to eat two boxes of Froot Loops as finger snacks because they were giving away a Han Solo In Stormtrooper Armor (With Removeable Helmet) action figure with two box tops. But that was mostly a stoner snack / acquire plastic object exercise.

hippybear, you are the most pure and beautiful soul on Metafilter.
posted by prismatic7 at 7:48 PM on January 9, 2019 [11 favorites]

Milk into WHAT first? I can't think of anything I even put milk IN.

Tea.
posted by greermahoney at 7:48 PM on January 9, 2019

20 minutes in a microwave? we call that durum broth.
posted by valkane at 7:49 PM on January 9, 2019 [6 favorites]

i’ve learned to pour milk (or cream) into the mug or cup before adding tea (or coffee).

Heathen. Which way do you face in the shower?
posted by greermahoney at 7:50 PM on January 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

both.
posted by valkane at 7:53 PM on January 9, 2019 [6 favorites]

Rarebit is what Welsh rabbit hunters eat when they don't catch any rabbits, per the Joy of Cooking. And who am I to argue with that logic?
posted by ananci at 7:57 PM on January 9, 2019 [10 favorites]

I can accept that!
posted by greermahoney at 7:59 PM on January 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

A Brief History of Welsh Rarebit
Whilst in truth it was probably enjoyed by a large portion of the British nation, the Welsh were seen to have an especial fondness for the gastronomic mixture of cheese and toast. A 16th-century tale tells how God asked Saint Peter to get rid of the Welsh from heaven, as they kept causing a ruckus. Saint Peter stomped outside the Pearly Gates and shouted ‘caws pobi!’, to which all the Welshmen duly tumbled out excitedly, allowing the gates to be slammed shut behind them.
posted by mumimor at 8:11 PM on January 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

A toastie is two slices of bread with cheese and probably some other ingredients in between (ham, salami, tomato, etc.). It is toasted under the griller

No no no, you can't put a toastie under the grill. How would you even close such a monstrosity? And if it's not closed, it's just cheese on toast. Even if it does have other things in under the cheese, like onion or vegemite or tomatoes god help us they make everything all soggy and the cheese doesn't melt properly and you give yourself 3rd degree burns from the tomato juice shooting you in the face.

A toastie, by definition, has to be made in the toastie maker, with its crimped edges and whatnot.
posted by lollusc at 8:18 PM on January 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

(Also for the Welsh Rarebit deniers, sure you can do all kinds of fancy shit to a Welsh Rarebit but my mum (English) uses the term as a general cheese on toast word, and she knows what she is talking about.

Also: Although the term is often used simply for a slice of bread topped with cheese and put under the grill [...])
posted by lollusc at 8:22 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

I too have fallen down the Welsh Rarebit hole once upon a time. Probably because of Bugs Bunny. Stouffer’s used to sell a frozen cheese sauce under that moniker, they probably still do, but I haven’t checked recently. John Thorne did a whole monograph on toast, toasted cheese, etc. etc. I forget which book it was in. But it was good.
posted by valkane at 8:27 PM on January 9, 2019

All the shops do cheese toasties in panini presses now, though, and I'm sure we can all agree that is a vastly inferior method.
posted by lollusc at 8:35 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

your comment seems to imply that there may somewhere be a person wou does/did say "mmm broiled eggs" tho

Who doesn't serve broiled eggs with their steamed hams??
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:49 PM on January 9, 2019 [7 favorites]

I don't think anyone has so perfectly explicated my internal typology of toasted sandwiches as prismatic7 just did. Sorry lollusc!
posted by Panthalassa at 8:54 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

It's fine, panthalassa. I think the problem is that Australians brought in this extra word, 'jaffle' and then they had to come up with some pretend reason why a jaffle and a toastie are different, hence the weird 'under the grill' toastie variation. If you don't have the word 'jaffle' in your (much more reasonable) dialect in the first place, there is no need for this nonsense.

But I understand how you suffer and I applaud your creative cognitive solutions.

bloody Australians
posted by lollusc at 9:21 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

Let he who hath had a drop-bear jaffle cast the first stone.
posted by ninazer0 at 9:35 PM on January 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

Since a jaffle is sealed at the sides, it is no longer a sandwich. It is actually a type of dumpling.
posted by solarion at 9:37 PM on January 9, 2019 [12 favorites]

Foodways Pilgrim on various cheese rabbits; it also discusses English monkey, which I've seen in several editions of The Joy of Cooking.
posted by brujita at 9:41 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

Since a jaffle is sealed at the sides, it is no longer a sandwich. It is actually a type of dumpling.
Isn't it more like a pie? Which I think looks genius: a thing that makes pies out of sarnies!
posted by mumimor at 9:41 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

They jaffle to compensate for all the horrid deadly creatures on their island continent.

I'm just gonna go ahead and pretend like you mean "men" here, hippybear.

OK, so, the best grilled cheese (cheese toastie, welsh rabbit, whatever) was kinda covered in that movie? Chef? With Jon Favreau? The one where Roi Choi was the food consultant.

So, I'm gonna describe how it works, then you can call me out. This is kinda like what hippybear was talking about, but bear with me (heh).

So. you use whatever fat you want: butter, olive oil, mayonnaise, I don't care. Here's what you do.

Heat up a skillet. I use a lodge cast iron because I'm a hipster like that. You can melt the butter in the skillet, or you can spread softened butter on the bread. Or mayo, if you're a hard-core diner geek. Anyway, the point is, use thickish bread, and put them in the skillet fat-side down. Here's a little sidebar.

We are neither grilling or toasting, we are frying.

Okay, keep that heat low, and get those slices nice and GBD (golden-brown delicious). Now, here comes the clever part. We're gonna add more fat to the non-cooked side of the bread, and we're gonna add cheese to the cooked side.

Any cheese. A mix, I don't care. The point of this whole exercise (which people paying attention already realize) is we're making all four side of the bread crunchy, thus doubling our crunchieosity.

So, put what ever aged-dairy you have on hand, sandwiched between the already cooked sides of your two slices and then cook the other two sides by flipping, watching carefully. Twice as crunchy, twice as fattening, twice as delicious.

They do this in the movie, but I'm pretty sure the editing was f'd-up because Hollywood. Even Favreau gets stuff wrong. I kinda remember a DVD extra where Roy explains it, but anyway, it's a good movie. Cheers.
posted by valkane at 9:44 PM on January 9, 2019 [14 favorites]

That's not a toastie either though, valkane. That's, I don't know, an omelette.

Or best case scenario it's a toast sandwich.

It's exhausting having to be the toastie police all the time.
posted by lollusc at 9:57 PM on January 9, 2019 [9 favorites]

This thread led to two pieces of cheese toast. Just sayin' ...
posted by Windopaene at 10:38 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

moloko plus for the ultraviolence
posted by temancl at 10:53 PM on January 9, 2019

Jaffles are quite different because you can do an egg one.
posted by pompomtom at 11:17 PM on January 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

I prefer Alton Brown's Rabbit/Rarebit, or at least I did in the days before too much cheese made me terribly ill without three lactose pills. Maybe not the most authentic, but absolutely delicious.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 11:40 PM on January 9, 2019

There was an entire plot line on Love Island about a man feeling smothered by his girlfriend cutting up his cheese toastie for him, and I am very embarrassed I know this because the show is very silly and problematic and I am definitely not watching it right now in another browser window -- but my point is, it proves that cheese toasties lead inevitably to discord.
posted by en forme de poire at 12:19 AM on January 10, 2019 [5 favorites]

I am from Bristol originally and this (probably sensible public health initiative) makes me sad. Bristol has a proud cheese tradition. 95,915 hundredweights of cheese were imported via Bristol in 1883 (source). That's about 4870 double-decker 'buses, to use the unit discussed on the fatberg thread. The city has a Cheese Lane and Cheese Lane Shot Tower (another link). There are cheese-headed bollards in the docks. (You'll be glad to know that "The temptation to describe other types of quay furniture, such as capstans, has been avoided in this study".) There is also the Cold Homes Energy Efficiency Survey Experts (CHEESE) Project. A Bristol cheesemonger was best cheese shop in the UK in 2017. There was an exploding cheese incident after the war. Bristol University has researched cheese.

brujita, that's a great link, thank you. I am not sure whether I would want to try a Portugal Rabbit. (I would probably give it a go in the interest of research.)
posted by paduasoy at 2:06 AM on January 10, 2019 [4 favorites]

I knew I loved Bristol for all the right reasons.
posted by prismatic7 at 2:17 AM on January 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

I love those reasons, too.
posted by prismatic7 at 2:52 AM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

This is all your fault.
posted by lollusc at 3:01 AM on January 10, 2019 [4 favorites]

That is clearly cheese on toast. The topic under discussion is the cheese toastie which, I note, you have falsely equated to the cheese jaffle. Your excellent food choices are not anyone’s fault but your own.
posted by prismatic7 at 3:52 AM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

Jaffles are the best. Broiler? Frying pan? Pfft. I mean, if you want an inferior version and too much cleanup, sure. But jaffles are a) quick, b) self-sealing, c) will burn the shit out of your mouth so has an acceptable danger rating for Aussie food, d) have cool patterns on top, e) are in triangles (the only acceptable shape). In conclusion: jaffles = heaps good.
posted by E. Whitehall at 3:54 AM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

Slight derail, but pooh-related placenames in Bristol.
posted by paduasoy at 3:56 AM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

I know that is cheese on toast. But that has also been a topic of discussion here and the toastie maker is difficult to clean.
posted by lollusc at 4:02 AM on January 10, 2019 [3 favorites]

Jaffles are quite different because you can do an egg one.

You can, but then the clean up is even less fun. The only messy toastie that is worth it is the baked bean and cheese one.
posted by lollusc at 4:05 AM on January 10, 2019

cheese toasties lead inevitably to discord.

For a long time we owned two different sandwich toasting devices, a traditional-style sandwich toaster (aka a jaffle-iron I guess), and a sandwich-press/panini-press because neither of us were willing to back down about which one was the Proper way of making a cheese toastie. In the end I got rid of the sandwich press because we really didn't have the storage space for both and my other half ate more toasties anyway. Nowadays if I want a toasted sandwich I'll just make cheese on toast then put another slice of toast on top. I did discover that the sandwich toaster can be used to very quickly make little triangular cakes which is pretty cool.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:11 AM on January 10, 2019

I lived not that far from Monk's Park for a few years, and it always seemed relatively salubrious to me. I was never terrorised by motorcycle gangs, at least.

From the Mirror article: 'planning and development officer Sue Long [...] said "We're very mindful of what will work within a park. We're looking to replicate coffee and ice-cream rather than a burger or chips van. That's not something we would consider'" Perhaps it didn't seem ridiculous to her when she said it, but in print it just looks daft.

the Welsh were seen to have an especial fondness for the gastronomic mixture of cheese and toast: well, Bristol being just across from Wales, perhaps this is measure is just a sneaky piece of Welshism, designed to deter an influx of Taffs now the Severn Bridge tolls are no more...
posted by misteraitch at 4:35 AM on January 10, 2019

Jaffle rhymes with waffle, right?
posted by glonous keming at 4:56 AM on January 10, 2019

Raffle, but I don’t even know if or how Americans might pronounce raffle.
posted by pompomtom at 5:02 AM on January 10, 2019

I think they pronounce it "Laura/Sarah".
posted by lollusc at 5:06 AM on January 10, 2019 [10 favorites]

I’m an emotional food person, and it’s currently winter time. Which one of these is best to make in my pajamas at 7 PM?
posted by gucci mane at 6:23 AM on January 10, 2019 [3 favorites]

I, having just joined this entertaining conversation, have always imagined a toastie what I have always called a toast tidy (toas-tite), which is the best grilled cheese in the whole wide world and should indeed be illegal in parks and other recreational areas for fear of riots.
posted by Sophie1 at 6:37 AM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

When I saw the headlines, I thought for sure the toastie vendors would be brown immigrant people.
posted by slogger at 6:57 AM on January 10, 2019

Raffle, but I don’t even know if or how Americans might pronounce raffle.

I believe it's "Throatwobbler Mangrove"
posted by nubs at 7:19 AM on January 10, 2019 [4 favorites]

If I may summarize: bread and cheese, when browned and melted respectively, are delicious; some believe dangerously so. Combined, they go by many hilarious and misguided names, most of which may be blamed on strange local contractions and diminutives, as well as Australians.

The important thing is to use mayonnaise instead of butter on the outside. You're welcome.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 7:24 AM on January 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

Skiving off school and getting some hot food, eh? Story!

My first high school was near Oakland Gyros. I skipped school to that place on the regular during my sophomore year, usually from 7th hour study hall, and they made a mean grilled cheese (the cook probably used mayo!). It was cheap; a platter with fries, a pickle and a Coke set me back $3.50. It was the high school that was unsafe. Gangs rumbled in the park behind the school, and sometimes huge fights broke out in the hallways, girls as well as boys, and sometimes both at once.

A girl in one of these gangs didn't like me on sight from the first day of 10th grade art class. A few days later, she challenged specs-wearing, nerdy-ish me to a fight after school. I refused. For almost 2 weeks she'd show up at my locker to taunt me, and I thought, "Well, let's get this over with. Maybe I'll only get a bloody nose." At the appointed hour, she literally jumped me as I walked past a bench; there were no preliminaries. When she went for my face, though, that's when she caught hands, as the kids say, and it ended pretty much in a draw when she tired out. Her boyfriend arrived at the end and laughed at her for picking on me: I was ~4' 5" and 80 pounds. She, OTOH, was ~5' 7".

I was let alone after that, but that's when I began skipping 7th hour to go at Atomic Records or Oakland Gyros. I also started arrangements to transfer to another school. For 11th and 12th grades, I went to a rich, suburban HS where the students' cruelty towards one another was mainly psychological, as befitting their social status. And it was (relatively) near a Kopp's Frozen Custard, so if I wanted to skive off, which I did do a few times, I could have a fantastic chocolate shake to go with my grilled cheese and fries.
posted by droplet at 7:37 AM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

but you put chili flakes / a crumbled dried chili under the cheese before cooking it

... or, sprinkle some bacon bits... or... a slice of deli meat (turkey, ham), a little mustard, but then perhaps you have gone too far, and this is now a .... "Monte Cristo"...
posted by jkaczor at 7:46 AM on January 10, 2019

... or, sprinkle some bacon bits... or... a slice of deli meat (turkey, ham), a little mustard, but then perhaps you have gone too far, and this is now a .... "Monte Cristo"...

I believe you would need to dip the break in an egg/milk mixture first to achieve a Monte Cristo, would you not? I am, however, a fan of adding bacon to grilled cheese.

In all honesty, call it what you want and eat it.
posted by nubs at 7:52 AM on January 10, 2019

The middle-class panini press does have one advantage over the jaffle, namely that the chesse gets the opportunity to leak out around the edges. This produces that special state of cheese where it bubbles and goes orangey-brown and crispy, and can be peeled away at just the right moment and used to garnish the toastie with a sort of cheese tuille or brandy snap, if you will.

I have a friend who microwaves a big piece of cheddar, pouring off the fat as it cooks, until left with a sort of cheese-based crepe. It's very nice.
posted by pipeski at 7:54 AM on January 10, 2019 [5 favorites]

To muddy the water a bit more, I learned my grilled cheese technique on a large commercial griddle so it was technically a griddle cheese sandwich . I replicate this at home using an electric skillet to make skillet cheese sandwiches...
posted by jim in austin at 8:17 AM on January 10, 2019

Let he who hath had a drop-bear jaffle cast the first stone.

Sounds like a dance: "Everybody do the Drop-Bear Jaffle!"
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:53 AM on January 10, 2019 [4 favorites]

This thread would be very educational if you knew which parts were facts and which parts were completely made up. In cheap diners, the broad, hot, flat metal surface is called a "grill" and that is what a grilled cheese sandwich is made on. At home, the best you can do is a frying pan, but it's not the same. There is nothing so wonderful as watching a skilled grill chef make four or five different dishes at once on the grill. I order Phillie cheese steaks just to watch the grill chef at our cafeteria make it while simultaneously making a hamburger and a cheese flauta. He's the best.
posted by acrasis at 9:07 AM on January 10, 2019 [4 favorites]

In cheap diners, the broad, hot, flat metal surface is called a "grill"

Ahh, I've been wondering for quite a while why it was a "grilled cheese" and not a "fried cheese", given frying is not what I understood the American English "grilling" to mean.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:14 AM on January 10, 2019

So... let me see if I get the translations right...

From US english -> UK english:

Grill -> Cook on a barbecue or other flat metal surface, maybe even a pan if it's a toastie
Broil -> Grill, like how you make cheese on toast
Grilled cheese -> A cheese toastie, cooked a bit funny (like barbecued or cooked in a pan)
Cheese -> Yellow stuff a bit like cheese, but not quite.
posted by pipeski at 9:43 AM on January 10, 2019

This produces that special state of cheese where it bubbles and goes orangey-brown and crispy, and can be peeled away at just the right moment and used to garnish the toastie with a sort of cheese tuille or brandy snap, if you will.

Alright, that tears it. Grilled cheese for lunch today it is.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:00 AM on January 10, 2019

In America at least, "broiling" is done in an oven, with the heat coming from an overhead element. In this context, "grill" is the same as "griddle" (although in other contexts "grill" is also used for cooking over an open flame, just to keep things interesting).
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:16 AM on January 10, 2019

The cheese tuille is called a frico, and they are very easy to make in the oven with a silicone baking mat, in a nonstick pan, on a sandwich press, or in the microwave. They are an excellent treat on their own, as a carrier for dip, crumbled as a crouton-alt on salads, you can put them inside a subsequent sandwich (even a grilled cheese, if you wanted a sort of cheeseception).

There is a Sacramento burger joint that puts a cheese skirt on its burgers, extending out all over a plate. Or all over a styrofoam takeout clamshell, if you happen to get one at the Sac airport because you just want something to eat and look there's a burger place, and so you don't know until you sit down and open the box that there's a SHEET OF CHEESE in there, and honestly after having my own WTF moment it was a good 30 minutes of joy sitting there watching other people's faces as they opened their boxes.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:17 AM on January 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

See, the issue I think we're all having is that toasting is a dry process - no fats involved. So making a toasted sandwich would, to me, imply that the bread would be toasted separately (in a toaster) before being assembled with the cheese. And then it would be served in a toast rack, of course.
posted by backseatpilot at 11:14 AM on January 10, 2019

valkane: Okay, keep that heat low, and get those slices nice and GBD (golden-brown delicious). Now, here comes the clever part. We're gonna add more fat to the non-cooked side of the bread, and we're gonna add cheese to the cooked side.

Any cheese. A mix, I don't care. The point of this whole exercise (which people paying attention already realize) is we're making all four side of the bread crunchy, thus doubling our crunchieosity.

Lunch status update: I just did this double-browning trick while making a grilled cheese and it's awesome. You have forever changed how I make grilled cheese.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:14 AM on January 10, 2019 [3 favorites]

For clarity (perhaps), The Week article on the news story includes:

The vendors of the food van “argued that it would be serving hot food, not low-quality fast food”, and “cheese toasties (grilled ham and cheese sandwiches) were cited as an example of the type of food it would sell, not the usual burgers and fries”, says RideApart.

Of course, it may be a moot point in a few months time for, under 'What will the UK government officially ration first in 2019', Paddy Power are offering 17/1 on it being cheese.
posted by Wordshore at 11:23 AM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

It seems there is a surplus of American Cheese, so that is a problem easily solved.
posted by mumimor at 11:34 AM on January 10, 2019

I know, I'm trolling. Sorry. Normally I'm a polite person.
posted by mumimor at 11:35 AM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

"American cheese" is neither American, nor cheese. Discuss.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:40 AM on January 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

"American cheese" is neither American, nor cheese. Discuss.

What is there to discuss in a statement of fact?
posted by nubs at 11:51 AM on January 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

I don't know, I was just feeling a little verklempt and needed a moment.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:03 PM on January 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

How to Make 8 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches at Once
posted by Bodechack at 12:07 PM on January 10, 2019

I don't know, I was just feeling a little verklempt and needed a moment

Give me a call, we'll talk, no big whoop.
posted by nubs at 12:17 PM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

In cheap diners, the broad, hot, flat metal surface is called a "grill" and that is what a grilled cheese sandwich is made on.

They may be called that but a commercial grill has a raised grooved surface that leaves grilling marks on foods, including sandwiches, and channels away cooking fats. Commercial griddles with their flat smooth surfaces are far more flexible and prevalent. Don't try to scramble eggs on a grill.

"American cheese" is neither American, nor cheese. Discuss.

It is American because the FDA defined it. It is 100% cheese assuming that no qualifiers appear after the word "cheese" ("food" or "product" normally). It is a blend of two or more real cheeses, often colby, monterey jack and/or cheddar, to alter the flavor and/or meltability as compared to a single "varietal" cheese...
posted by jim in austin at 12:24 PM on January 10, 2019

Oh I know, I was just going for a cheap SNL-reference joke.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:59 PM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

In America at least, "broiling" is done in an oven, with the heat coming from an overhead element

Yes, in BrE that's "grilling". The broiler is a BrE "grill". The confusion is that in AmE, "grilling" can mean two other ways of cooking, neither of which is BrE grilling/AmE broiling.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:01 PM on January 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

Since when does a grilled cheese sandwich lead to truancy and gang behavior?

My youthful experience of hanging out at various Waffle Houses in the Southeast US suggests that Grilled Cheeses are borderline, but the real gateway to criminality is the hash browns.
posted by thivaia at 1:33 PM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

... or, sprinkle some bacon bits... or... a slice of deli meat (turkey, ham), a little mustard, but then perhaps you have gone too far, and this is now a .... "Monte Cristo"...

I believe you would need to dip the break in an egg/milk mixture first to achieve a Monte Cristo, would you not?

As Gabrielle Hamilton demonstrates here, for a Monte Cristo you dip the entire sandwich in egg custard before frying.
posted by dnash at 2:52 PM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

It was Grace Kell's sandwch, the Monte Christo, and it has powdered sugar on top.It is served with syrup.
posted by Oyéah at 5:54 PM on January 10, 2019

What I'm hearing is that the Monte Cristo is a French Toast sandwich.
posted by nubs at 6:19 PM on January 10, 2019 [2 favorites]

No, that's just a Christo.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:47 PM on January 10, 2019

I kinda feel like I've lost the thread; what effect does a Monte Cristo have on juvenile delinquency and motorcycle gangs? Is it a threat or a menace?
posted by nubs at 7:50 PM on January 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

Did you hear that whooshing noise about half an hour ago, hippybear? That was the sound of your joke going straight past my head.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:14 PM on January 10, 2019

i’m just going to let the Mitre weigh in with their “toasties menu”
posted by mollymillions at 9:36 PM on January 10, 2019

Tis clear enough the cheese toastie is very like a tree.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:04 AM on January 12, 2019

And that food truck over there, they also make them

The council is trying to ban them, so fuck 'em
posted by nubs at 8:18 AM on January 12, 2019

Which one of these is best to make in my pajamas at 7 PM?

A bit too late to be of any value to you now, but cheese in pajamas is technically a "cheese sleepie".
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:34 PM on January 13, 2019 [1 favorite]