Do not snuggle up it is not on bed

January 26, 2019 8:33 AM

Do not snuggle your hedgehog. Do not snuggle your wombat. Do not snuggle a tiger. Do not snuggle your backyard chickens. Do not snuggle your rashy cat. Do not snuggle a naked and blind baby squirrel. Do not snuggle your consulting detective. Do not snuggle your cell phone. Do not snuggle your hormonal cockatiel. Do not snuggle... um?
posted by jessamyn (73 comments total)

I’m snuggless.
posted by Segundus at 8:38 AM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

I think dogs are still OK for snuggling.
posted by jessamyn at 8:40 AM on January 26, 2019 [8 favorites]

Do not snuggle your wombat

Hey, everyone needs snuggles.
posted by w0mbat at 8:40 AM on January 26, 2019 [19 favorites]

The Russian one is a cute way of saying "don't tailgate."
posted by doctornemo at 8:46 AM on January 26, 2019 [6 favorites]

No, dogs are not OK for snuggling.
Diseases tend to be host specific in that it is not to their advantage to KILL their normal host as that would disrupt their life cycle and they would die out.
They would have no compunction about killing any animal that is in competition with their normal host
posted by Burn_IT at 8:47 AM on January 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

OH. Do not rest your head on my bumper it is not a bed. I like it.
posted by Glinn at 8:55 AM on January 26, 2019 [8 favorites]

They would have no compunction about killing any animal that is in competition with their normal host

u ok buddy
posted by poffin boffin at 8:58 AM on January 26, 2019 [52 favorites]

Not sure why it never occurred to me that live chickens may have salmonella. I will likely still attempt to pet my friends' backyard chickens, though.
posted by lazuli at 9:01 AM on January 26, 2019 [5 favorites]

While you are not snuggling your wombat, may I suggest also not snuggling your koala?
posted by eirias at 9:05 AM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

I am snuggling my cuddly cat right now. Me under blanket, him on top, good fire going, all cosy. Till he realises it is part din times anyway.
posted by biffa at 9:06 AM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

This is all deeply disappointing.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:12 AM on January 26, 2019 [6 favorites]

Okay, so whom can I snuggle?
posted by Vesihiisi at 9:21 AM on January 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

I feel like hedgehog-snuggling might be uncomfortable even without the threat of salmonella.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:22 AM on January 26, 2019 [7 favorites]

Everyday I'm snugglin'.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:24 AM on January 26, 2019 [20 favorites]

I didn't choose the snug life, the snug life chose me.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 9:31 AM on January 26, 2019 [13 favorites]

No snuggling, no buggering, what can you do with a hedgehog then?
posted by Hactar at 9:32 AM on January 26, 2019 [9 favorites]

Hedge it?
posted by Vesihiisi at 9:36 AM on January 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

Hedgehog don't normally have venomous spines. They have been observed chomping up venomous creatures and even cigarette butts and spreading the results on their spines.

I wouldn't be surprise that this is why they end up with Salmonella on their spines. They probably put it there.
posted by eye of newt at 9:37 AM on January 26, 2019 [16 favorites]

That cat article was written by a person who has never been owned by a cat.
posted by phlyingpenguin at 9:47 AM on January 26, 2019 [9 favorites]

Do not snuggle your panda. Do not snuggle your armadillo.
posted by scruss at 9:49 AM on January 26, 2019

you ≠ boss of me
posted by Quindar Beep at 10:02 AM on January 26, 2019 [9 favorites]

The snuggle is real.
posted by srboisvert at 10:13 AM on January 26, 2019 [21 favorites]

He was a little dog named Snuggles.
posted by wordless reply at 10:14 AM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

Do not snuggle Happy Fun Ball.
posted by dephlogisticated at 10:24 AM on January 26, 2019 [11 favorites]

Do not snuggle... um?

IF YOU CAN READ THIS COMMENT
YOU ARE TOO DAMN CLOSE
OR PLEASE SCRATCH MY BACK
posted by not_on_display at 10:43 AM on January 26, 2019

Do not snuggle your pocket pet!

(Snuggles Mouse Jane Bennet and Mouse Elizabeth Bennet anyway.)
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 11:03 AM on January 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'll be damned if anyone is going to tell me not to snuggle my dog. Death first.

When it comes to the cat, there's not really much choice. When she wants to snuggle, it's snugglin' time.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:06 AM on January 26, 2019 [15 favorites]

Persephone is a hedgehog of my personal aquaintance. Did you know hedgehogs can scream if they object to something, such as having their scratchy scratchy nails clipped? You do now.
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 11:09 AM on January 26, 2019 [7 favorites]

/edit: link is to just a cute pic, not Persephone screaming her tiny outrage.
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 11:11 AM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

guess I won't try to pet the neighbors chickens (they are really cute and make cute little noises...)
but just try to stop me from snuggling my cats...just try!
posted by supermedusa at 11:13 AM on January 26, 2019

You can pet a tiny bewildered dinosaur, just wash your hands after.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:17 AM on January 26, 2019 [10 favorites]

Also: Do not snuggle your small child who’s caught a preschool pestilence, or you will have to cancel all your plans and spend the weekend sleeping.
posted by centrifugal at 11:32 AM on January 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

Please pet your neanderthal, they get lonely in the winter.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 11:40 AM on January 26, 2019 [14 favorites]

This thread is a verbal snuggle for geeks.
posted by desuetude at 11:44 AM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

Snuggling is on top my to do list
posted by infini at 11:45 AM on January 26, 2019

What about the void? Is it still ok to snuggle the void?
posted by loquacious at 11:49 AM on January 26, 2019 [19 favorites]

I'm pretty sure I would be unable to contain myself if I were within arms' reach of a wombat. I'd hug it.
posted by sarcasticah at 11:53 AM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

From the CDC website regarding salmonella and hedgehogs:
"A common supplier of hedgehogs in this outbreak has not been identified."
posted by arachnidette at 11:59 AM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

This is why I had a baby - unlimited snuggles!
posted by spicytunaroll at 12:07 PM on January 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

Scenes from the Class Snuggle in Beverly Hills
posted by praemunire at 12:33 PM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure I would be unable to contain myself if I were within arms' reach of a wombat. I'd hug it.

That is how my sister got bitten by a wombat.

(actually we both pet it just fine, things went wrong when my sister dropped her coat on its head and tried to grab it back. So definitely don't do that)
posted by stillnocturnal at 12:51 PM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

Making a note: don’t drop stillnocturnal’s sister’s coat on a wombat’s head. Got it.
posted by moonmilk at 1:05 PM on January 26, 2019 [11 favorites]

Today I snuggled: a snake (ok I just held it) a chameleon, a Chinese Water Dragon, a Komodo dragon, an iguana, a tortoise, a baby crocodile and a tiny tiny frog. The frog peed on me. It was a good day.
posted by billiebee at 2:06 PM on January 26, 2019 [14 favorites]

help there is a floofy cat in my lap demanding snuggles what do i do?
posted by loquacious at 2:12 PM on January 26, 2019 [7 favorites]

oh god it is purring help
posted by loquacious at 2:12 PM on January 26, 2019 [23 favorites]

1. Vesihiisi, I am available for snuggles; hell, I will come to your city and deliver them at your convenience (some limitations apply; see fine print for details).
2. Oh sweet spicytunaroll, I have some bad news about those unlimited baby snuggles. Enjoy them while you can.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:48 PM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

See also: redback spiders.

More of a dangle than a snuggle, though.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:13 PM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

When you snuggle the Abyss, the Abyss snuggles you back.

If you snuggle an abbess, there will need to be Confessing later.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:39 PM on January 26, 2019 [9 favorites]

I'm not even allowed to snuggle my own cat, the freeloadin' little fuzzball.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:40 PM on January 26, 2019

I am not snuggling my cat, but my cat is definitely snuggling me.
posted by stillnocturnal at 3:43 PM on January 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

Based on what I know about how microwaves interact with molecules and how cats interact with beds, I refuse to remove either cellphones or cats from my list of things that can be snuggled. (I'm open to argument when it comes to the rest.)
posted by eotvos at 4:28 PM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

FREE SNUGGLES HERE
ALL ARE WELCOME
TOTALLY NOT RASHY
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:38 PM on January 26, 2019 [10 favorites]

ok I bravely ran away and hid in my bed but it followed me and has assumed some sort of nearly spherical shape and has me pinned down by my legs and I can't seem to move.

oh god is it laying eggs?
posted by loquacious at 5:53 PM on January 26, 2019 [5 favorites]

I got to pet a VERY SWEET, VERY SOFT white rabbit named Icicle today. He even hopped over to say hello first! He had a little pink nose that went "SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF!"

Also I like petting animals for adoption at the local pet store, because when I get home my cats come over for a pet and then stop dead, take big sniffs of my hand, and glare at me. I have to talk them back into snuggling my pet-cheating self.
posted by lazuli at 6:05 PM on January 26, 2019 [10 favorites]

I remember at UU youth cons, which were basically bible camp for hippy kids, there would generally be a room in the church basement which was just dim lights and cushions on the floor and a bunch of hippy kids snuggling on the cushions in a big pile. You could just go in there, spend some time in the puppy pile, and leave when you were ready.

It was awfully nice.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:06 PM on January 26, 2019 [8 favorites]

I joined a UU church a couple years ago and I have never been so consistently hugged by people in my life. Snuggle your UUs!
posted by lazuli at 7:54 PM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

Do not snuggle the Doctor in the Dreamy Boom Boom
posted by slater at 8:07 PM on January 26, 2019

Our chinchilla doesn't like snuggles but he does like scritches. I hope I'm safe.

As I read through the post before clicking on anything, it felt like a nighttime story poem or story. Then I started clicking and realized Ah, this is a cautionary tale. Then...

Do not snuggle your consulting detective.

I cannot articulate why at the moment, but seeing that this linked to a very appropriately titled fanfic made me very happy. Maybe because it was so different from the rest of the links, yet still relevant. Maybe because it reminded me of my favorite detective fanfic.

The snuggle is real.

No joke -- last night I was looking at Frida Clements' book The Snuggle Is Real.

Thank you for the creative post!
posted by rangefinder 1.4 at 9:32 PM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

Do not snuggle your backyard chickens.

This is good advice if your backyard chickens, like mine, cannot tell the difference between a human eyeball and a juicy mollusc.
posted by flabdablet at 12:37 AM on January 27, 2019 [4 favorites]

Apparently even Steve Irwin was bitten by a wombat. I have never been able to find a clip of this, but it was the inspiration for Ursula Vernon to begin Digger.
posted by Hactar at 2:06 AM on January 27, 2019 [2 favorites]

I joined a UU church a couple years ago and I have never been so consistently hugged by people in my life.

Wow, I had no idea. Oh golly, someone should start a UU church in Sweden. I get hugs at my home Al-Anon meeting, which is awesome, but apart from that it's like Swedes have not heard of cuddles unless you are cohabitating. Sigh.

In a report on expat life, Sweden ranks #4 for health and well-being as a nation but #39 for personal (misspelled as personnal) happiness, which does not surprise me. Snuggling is key to personal happiness for many of us, and factors hugely in the health and well-being category as well. At #65, Sweden is dead last in the finding friends category. So that sucks. Plus I cannot have pets where I live.

TL;DR: Single in Stockholm seeks innocent snuggles; sex delightful but wholly optional. Okay hive mind, go do your magic.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:12 AM on January 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

in Stockholm

Yep, here's your problem.
posted by Vesihiisi at 4:25 AM on January 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

Do not snuggle your backyard chickens.

This is good advice if your backyard chickens, like mine, cannot tell the difference between a human eyeball and a juicy mollusc.

One of mine managed to get a soft contact out of my eye, with collateral damage (of course). I had fun in the ED a) explaining what happened and b) explaining that no, my wife did not beat me.
posted by tommasz at 5:37 AM on January 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

Our pet hen used to ride around on the neighbor kid's shoulder like a movie pirate's parrot. (Didn't hurt that he fed her worms up there.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:21 AM on January 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class snuggles.
posted by drlith at 7:40 AM on January 27, 2019 [6 favorites]

Oh golly, someone should start a UU church in Sweden.

To be fair, I live in Northern California, which is a pretty huggy place, so I can't vouch for the cross-cultural hugginess of UUs, but the church is still the place I get weekly hugs from multiple people, some of whom I've not previously met. I was talking to a friend/acquaintance at social hour after a service about how I was having a rough time, and she hugged me and then said, "Oh, you need a Paula hug," and then brought over Paula, whom I had never met, and said to Paula, "lazuli needs a hug," and Paula gave me the best hug ever. And then she walked back to her previous conversational partners.
posted by lazuli at 7:43 AM on January 27, 2019 [6 favorites]

To be fair, I live in Northern California, which is a pretty huggy place, so I can't vouch for the cross-cultural hugginess of UUs

I live in don't-touch-me New England and my sister went to UU youth cons there pretty regularly also and they are a very huggy bunch.
posted by jessamyn at 9:52 AM on January 27, 2019 [2 favorites]

My cat sleeps with his upper body on the pillow by my head. Part of the reason to have cats, as far as I'm concerned, is that they'll come and sleep on the bed with me.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:52 AM on January 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

For people looking for human snuggles, partner dancing (ballroom, swing, that sort of thing) is a good bet for finding huggy humans. Contra dancing is not partner dancing, as far as I can tell, but seems to have a large overlap with UUs, at least around here, so it's likely a good bet, too.

I took my harnessed cat for a walk today (I swear I don't know how I turned into one of these people) and we walked over to my neighbor's very sweet horses. My cat was NOT having it. I picked him up so that he could snuggle against the horses' muzzles, and the horses did the moochy-lip/snorty-nose thing that I would count as the horse equivalent of a snuggle, but the cat was adamantly opposed to cross-species snorgling. The horses remained placid. I put the cat down so that he could eat grass while glaring at me, and I scritched the horses and pulled up some grass for them to eat. I took the cat home, and gave him treats, and told him he was brave for meeting the horses, but I think he has yet to forgive me. (He ate the treats, though.)
posted by lazuli at 6:12 PM on January 27, 2019 [4 favorites]

My cat will spoon with me under the covers, and in fact will ask to do so by pawing at the blanket until I lift it up for her. She wants to go under and out again and then back under a few times and then she wants to sit under there for a while like a little freak, but eventually she will melt into a little spoon. The second I move a muscle though, that's it, snuggle time is cancelled.

The dog (not really my dog; my parents' dog) will also spoon. He is 120+ lbs, which is basically person-sized. You have to convince him not to lay facing toward you in a tangle of slobbery claws and dog breath, but once he's situated he'll snuggle like that for hours, with every appearance of relief. He is a somewhat anxious and clingy dog, and I think the snuggling does him good.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:49 PM on January 27, 2019 [3 favorites]

Update: Horse-shunning cat is purring next to me, belly up. I am apparently forgiven.
posted by lazuli at 7:41 PM on January 27, 2019 [3 favorites]

* cats snuggling a sheep
* cats snuggling a cow
* cat snuggling a capy
* cat snuggling a shibe
* cat snuggling a lizard
posted by Vesihiisi at 4:08 AM on January 28, 2019 [4 favorites]

Do not get kisses from a sheep.
posted by terrapin at 7:27 AM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]